- 6 months ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service.
00:19Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world.
00:25Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes.
00:28Tonight's special guest, Bert Gordon, the mad Russian of radio.
00:32And starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:42Hey, Abbott!
00:45Well, Costello, here it is, the last program of 1943 and you're late again.
00:49Now, where have you been?
00:50Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me.
00:52No.
00:52Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for Christmas present.
00:55And the dog just took a great big bite out of me.
00:58Where did he bite you?
00:59Well, if I'd have been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers.
01:05Where did this happen?
01:07Well, let me see now.
01:08Where did this happen?
01:08In a crowded streetcar.
01:10It's the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
01:16Look, uh...
01:17No, never mind that.
01:18What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
01:20Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
01:23Yes, I remember Strongheart.
01:24Well, this was his brother.
01:25Weak stomach.
01:29Listen, I'm not talking about that.
01:31What does the dog breed?
01:32What does this breed?
01:33Yes.
01:34He breeds to his nose, like you and me.
01:36No, no, no, you dummy.
01:38What type of a dog is he?
01:39A spit?
01:40No, but he drools a little.
01:43Look, there are different types of dogs.
01:45Such as setters and pointers.
01:47That's it, Abbott.
01:48That's what he is.
01:49He's a setter pointer.
01:50A setter pointer?
01:51Yeah, he sits all day and points at the icebox.
02:00Hey, that's the dog now, Abbott.
02:01He's out in the hall.
02:02Come on, Rover.
02:04Come on, Rover.
02:05Come on in the door.
02:09I said come in the door, not through the door.
02:15Like Costello.
02:17Lou, this is a wonderful dog.
02:19Yeah.
02:21Listen to him.
02:23It's my luck to get a dog with asthma.
02:26I'll cut that out.
02:27I'm going to show you how to handle dogs.
02:29Come here, Rover.
02:30Tell me, how much is one and one?
02:33Did you hear that, Costello?
02:34I missed it.
02:35I was here.
02:35I'll try again.
02:36Rover, how much is two and two?
02:41I told you he was a smart dog.
02:42I'm going to see if he's really smart, Abbott.
02:44Rover, what time is it?
02:47Quarter to four.
02:49Costello, isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of?
02:59A talking dog.
03:00Talking dog.
03:01Where do I get the phone?
03:01Hello?
03:02Yes?
03:03What?
03:03Oh, you don't think so, eh?
03:05Ha, ha.
03:05Uh, okay, smarty.
03:06Goodbye.
03:08How do you like that, Abbott?
03:09That was a friend of mine.
03:09He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog.
03:12Who's your friend?
03:12Oh, just the horse.
03:18Come in and make it funny.
03:19It's costing camels a lot of money.
03:24Oh, it's Ken Niles.
03:25Well, if it isn't the spirit of 76 pounds.
03:31Oh, yeah?
03:32Look who's talking.
03:33Listen, fat boy.
03:34Why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front?
03:37Ha, ha, ha.
03:39Very funny, Skinny.
03:40Very funny.
03:41Now, Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny.
03:44He's not skinny, eh?
03:44He once worked in an olive factory.
03:46He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimento in after him.
03:48Ha, ha, ha.
03:50But pay no attention to Costello, Ken.
03:52I'm ashamed of him.
03:53He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas.
03:56Yeah, and what's more, he didn't even thank her for it.
03:58Oh, yes, I did.
03:59I even kissed your wife on top of her head.
04:01Why didn't you kiss her on the lips?
04:03Her head is much smoother.
04:06Oh, I heard that remark, Costello.
04:08Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.
04:11Me?
04:11A shrimp?
04:12Yes, you're a shrimp.
04:13You only clump to my chin.
04:15Which one?
04:18Oh.
04:18Oh.
04:19Oh, Costello.
04:20Oh, are you suggesting that I look old?
04:22Oh, don't look now, but your social security slip is showing.
04:28Costello, how can you talk like that to Mrs. Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas?
04:32When you gave her nothing.
04:33Oh, I don't know why you'd say nothing.
04:35Didn't I give her a picture, get her picture published in a paper?
04:37Yes, but look where they put it.
04:39In the racing news.
04:41Well, ain't that the dope sheet?
04:45Oh, just look at this picture.
04:47Read what it says under it.
04:48Oh, I don't think that...
04:48Oh, look what it says.
04:50This nag showed great promise as a three-year-old, but is now running in cheap company.
04:56Costello, that's an insult.
04:57It most certainly is, and I'm leaving.
04:59Then take the dog Rover with you.
05:00Every time he looks at me, he bites me.
05:02Oh, that's silly.
05:03Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth.
05:04I know that.
05:05They're all in my leg.
05:06Oh, you can't talk that way about Rover.
05:10Why, I love that little dog almost as much as I do Kenneth.
05:13Even more.
05:14You gave him a longer leash.
05:15Come on, Rover.
05:19I'm taking you home.
05:20And don't even look at Mr. Costello.
05:24Get out of here.
05:25Get out of here.
05:26Albert.
05:27He bit me again.
05:31Take your foot out of Rover's mouth.
05:32You're trying to choke him.
05:33Costello.
05:38Costello, leave that dog alone.
05:39He won't leave me.
05:40Let my foot out of there.
05:41That's the last straw, Costello.
05:42Just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover.
05:45You'll regret this.
05:46I'll drag you through every court in the land.
05:48I'll even take you to the Supreme Court.
05:50And I'll stand before the judge and tell him I'm sorry.
05:53And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?
05:55Ah!
06:03Well, come on, Costello.
06:09Let's get busy.
06:10Come on.
06:11Let's get busy.
06:12Mrs. Niles will be here soon with the wand for your arrest for choking that dog.
06:15Albert, I'm telling you before now, I didn't choke the dog.
06:17He bit me.
06:18I know that, but you'll need a lawyer.
06:20Ah, we've got to find a good barrister.
06:22A what?
06:23Don't you know what a barrister is?
06:24Oh, yeah.
06:24I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid.
06:27Now, don't be silly.
06:28A barrister is a legal expert.
06:29The greatest barrister of all times was Gladstone.
06:32I suppose you've never heard of Gladstone?
06:34Oh, sonny, I heard of Gladstone.
06:35My uncle had Gladstones, but he had to have them cut out.
06:39How can you talk nonsense when you may have to face a...
06:42Listen, will you listen to me, please?
06:43Yeah.
06:44How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars?
06:48And where do you expect to get the money?
06:49Well, what do you say, where do you expect to get the money?
06:51You know where I expect to get the money.
06:52What do you mean?
06:53You're going to help me out.
06:53How can I help you?
06:54I'm a pauper.
06:55A pauper?
06:56Congratulations.
06:57What is it, a boy or a girl?
07:00Never mind that.
07:01I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money.
07:03Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming.
07:04Now, this is the end of the year.
07:06No more after this.
07:07What do you mean?
07:08You know, 365 days in a year.
07:09Well, I know that.
07:10I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole year's salary.
07:13Wait a minute.
07:14365 days with $365.
07:15Wait a minute.
07:16You owe me a dollar a day or something like that.
07:17Just a minute.
07:17Let's straighten this out.
07:18Pay me out.
07:19Just a minute.
07:19You say you work 365 days for me, and you want to be reimbursed.
07:22Look, I don't want to burst anything.
07:25Just give me my money.
07:27365 bucks.
07:28I'll get out.
07:28Pin over some of those Morgenthau mash notes.
07:31All right, look.
07:33Now, don't get excited.
07:34Take it easy.
07:35Now, listen.
07:35How many hours a day did you work?
07:37Eight hours a day.
07:37And how many hours are there in a day?
07:39Look, now, Abbott, don't try to put anything over on me.
07:41There's 24 hours in a day, all but February, which has 28.
07:46You're absolutely right.
07:47There are 24 hours in a day.
07:48But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day.
07:52Is that right?
07:52Well, that's according to the way you figure it.
07:54Well, one third of 365 is about $121.
07:58So you actually only have $121 coming to you.
08:01That's the way I reckon it.
08:04You sure are reckon it.
08:06Come on, get it up.
08:07Give me the dough.
08:08Well, you did have $121 coming to you, but...
08:11I knew there was a but in it.
08:12But you didn't work Sundays, did you?
08:14No.
08:14I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie.
08:17All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year.
08:20You're deducted 52 from $121, which leaves $69 coming to you.
08:25You're sure of that?
08:25Positive.
08:26You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.
08:29Now, that's mighty nice, of you, to look out for my interest.
08:32I might as well look out for yours.
08:34You already wrecked mine.
08:37Come on, Abbott.
08:38Give me the money.
08:39Get up something, will you?
08:40All right, I'd be glad to give you the $69.
08:42But...
08:42Oh, hold on to your hats.
08:43Here we go again.
08:45Look, Abbott.
08:45Give me a couple of dollars.
08:47How's that?
08:47Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturdays.
08:50Isn't that right, partner?
08:52Partner.
08:52Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner.
08:55Look, will you give me a dollar?
08:56I'll still...
08:57Give me a half a buck.
08:58Now, wait a minute.
08:59Wait a minute.
08:59Just a second.
09:00Just a minute.
09:00Now, wait a minute.
09:00Where was I?
09:01You just had a toe hole on my $69.
09:03Oh, yes, yes.
09:04A half a day on Saturdays.
09:0552 Saturdays in a year.
09:06One half of 52 is 26.
09:09So you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of $43.
09:14Sum of?
09:14Yes, sum of.
09:15If I get some of it, I'll be lucky.
09:18Look, Abbott.
09:19Give me a quarter.
09:20Will you let me have a quarter?
09:21Give me 20 cents.
09:22Well, now, wait a minute.
09:23I'm going out of here with something.
09:24Now, wait a minute.
09:25Just a minute.
09:25There's still a balance of $43.
09:27But...
09:28Stop butting.
09:29You're getting my goat.
09:31But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you?
09:34Oh, yeah, yeah.
09:34That's 14 days.
09:35Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of $29.
09:41Look, Abbott.
09:42Will you give me a dime?
09:43Is that asking too much?
09:44Will you give me anything?
09:46Listen, I'd give you the $29, but...
09:49Now I know it as good as you do.
09:51How much time did you take off for lunch?
09:53Oh, this is going to run into money.
09:55I took off one hour a day.
09:56Very well.
09:56Three hundred and sixty-five hours is equal to 15 days, I take it.
10:00You might as well take it.
10:00You've taken everything else.
10:03Well, 15 for $29, 14, but...
10:06Now I know it better than you do.
10:07Look, Abbott.
10:08Give me some...
10:08Will you give me a nickel?
10:10What do you mean?
10:10Give me four pennies.
10:11What do you mean, give me a four pennies?
10:14Look, can you spare a rack biscuit?
10:15Now, listen.
10:16Maybe you've got an odd mothball.
10:20A mothball?
10:21Look, is it asking...
10:22Give me a sardine.
10:23Go ahead.
10:24Mrs. Niles is going to have me in a can anyway.
10:26Just a minute.
10:28Just a minute.
10:28Let's straighten this thing out.
10:29There are 13 holidays in the year which you didn't work.
10:32And as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the
10:37exact sum of $1.
10:38Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you.
10:40Nice work, Abbott.
10:41I need money for a lawyer because Mrs. Niles is going to throw me in jail, and you're
10:44giving me only a dollar.
10:45Let's have no more words about it.
10:47One measly dollar after I work enslaved for you for a whole year.
10:50I always pay my obligations.
10:52Here's your dollar.
10:53I wouldn't mind, Abbott.
10:55I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.
10:58I need more than a dollar.
11:00I got another mouth to feed.
11:01Now, listen.
11:02Your troubles are not my...
11:03Wait a minute.
11:04You what?
11:05I have another mouth to feed.
11:07Another mouth to feed?
11:08You never told me that.
11:10I know it.
11:11Why, you've been with me all this time, Costello, and now you tell me you have another mouth
11:14to feed?
11:15I didn't want Winshiel to hear it.
11:18Why didn't you tell me that before?
11:20I was ashamed.
11:22Oh, you fortunate fellow.
11:23That's nothing to be ashamed of.
11:25I was only kidding about the other money.
11:27Here.
11:27Here's your $365.
11:29And to show you that my heart's in the right place, here's $50 of my own.
11:33You should be so happy.
11:35What is it?
11:36A boy or a girl?
11:37A goldfish.
11:38Get out of here!
11:40Costello, Costello, where are you?
11:45Here I am, Abby!
11:47Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute of the place you want to arrest.
11:49But don't worry.
11:50I hired a lawyer to defend you.
11:52I got my own personal mouthpiece.
11:54You mean your wife?
11:55No, no.
11:57When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth, and lays down
12:02the law.
12:02That's still your wife.
12:05There.
12:06There's the man who choked my dog, that little fat one.
12:08This is Oliver Storchese of the Animal Aid Society.
12:11Mr. Storchese, arrest that man.
12:13Very well, Mr. Costello.
12:14You're under arrest.
12:15What's that?
12:15Come with me.
12:17I won't.
12:18Oh, darn it.
12:19Nobody ever wants to come along.
12:23Now, leave us face it.
12:24You either come with me, or pay the usual fine of one dollar.
12:27Oh, just a dollar.
12:28Did you hear that, Abby?
12:28I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar.
12:30Hey, Mr. Storchese, I'd be glad to get...
12:32Just a minute, Costello.
12:34Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt.
12:36Shut up, Abby.
12:36Now, wait a minute.
12:38Just a minute.
12:39I hired a lawyer for you, after all.
12:40I can get out of this for a dollar, Abby.
12:41Just a minute.
12:42I've hired your lawyer.
12:43He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor, and an expert of jurisprudence.
12:48His very voice has been known to spellbide in a jury.
12:52I can hear him now say...
12:53How do you do?
13:01Costello, this is your attorney, Burt Gordon, the mad Russian.
13:04Gentlemen, my card.
13:06Let me read that.
13:07Burt Gordon, attorney at law, DBTC.
13:10What does a DBTC mean?
13:11Don't bend the card.
13:14Listen, Costello.
13:15The Russian's going to give you some advice.
13:17No, that is correct.
13:19Mr. Castoria, there are...
13:21There are two courses in giving legal advice.
13:26Of course and because.
13:29Of course, you don't have to take my advice.
13:31And because if you do, you'll have to pay for it.
13:36Hey, yeah, but this guy ain't no lawyer.
13:39Don't say that.
13:40Dad, don't say.
13:41When I went to college, they gave me a five-betta-kappa key.
13:46Does it fit the hole in your head?
13:47Please, Costello.
13:50He's no college man.
13:52My dear you.
13:54I'll have you understand.
13:55I went to Vassar.
13:57Vassar's a...
13:57That's a school for girls.
13:58A girl school.
13:59I found it out one day when I was...
14:01supporting the laundry.
14:05Now, stay here, Mr. Costello.
14:07Get me another lawyer.
14:10That's cheaper one.
14:11Mr. Costello, I'm waiting.
14:12Are you going to pay the fine of one dollar or not?
14:14Okay, here's your dollar store, Chief.
14:16Just a minute, Mr. Cancemallow.
14:20I forbid you to pay that particular dollar.
14:23Well, he's very fortunate to get off with just a dollar after the way he insulted me.
14:27Why, but he choked my little dog a tear, ran down my cheek.
14:31Yes, ma'am.
14:31I took one look at your face and ran right back up again.
14:35Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian?
14:37Yes, why not?
14:38You see, from the legal point of view, if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular.
14:45Perpendicular?
14:45What does that mean?
14:47How dare you?
14:49Oh, this is ridiculous.
14:51Come, Mr. Storchese.
14:52We're taking this case to court.
14:53Wait a minute.
14:54Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles.
14:55I'm going to pay the dollar.
14:56It's too late.
14:59Now, look what you did, Abbott.
15:00You and your phony lawyer.
15:02Don't be silly.
15:03The Russian is one of the greatest lawyers in the world.
15:05That is correct.
15:06In my first case, I defended Dreyfus.
15:08Dreyfus?
15:09Alfred Dreyfus of Devil's Island?
15:11No, reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island.
15:17Say, uh, Mr. Castile.
15:21Don't, uh, don't worry about a thing when I'm here.
15:24I'm a great intellectual.
15:26My stock and trade is brains.
15:28You got a funny-looking sample case.
15:29Now, stop those remarks, Costello.
15:33Get a load of his ears.
15:34What's wrong with him?
15:35Looks like the wind is blowing from his back.
15:39That's very funny.
15:40Very funny?
15:41Yeah.
15:41You think it's funny?
15:42Yeah.
15:43Didn't I see you flying over Pomona?
15:45No, it was Glendale.
15:47Oh, what happened?
15:49Didn't happen to our dog.
15:51Logan, will you please take this dollar, Russian?
15:53Go down to the court and settle the case?
15:55Oh, remind that body.
15:56Remember the words of that old saying.
15:58Haste makes.
15:59Go ahead.
16:00There's more.
16:07Well, come on, Costello.
16:08Let's get down to the court and fight this case.
16:10We'll win in no time.
16:19Court of common pleas now in session.
16:21Case of Niles versus Costello.
16:22Mr. Gordon may question the defendant.
16:23Thank you, Your Honor.
16:24Now, Mr. Cantelio...
16:26Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
16:33I do.
16:33I object!
16:37You object!
16:38I didn't say nothing yet!
16:39Costello, shut up.
16:40You keep out of this.
16:41Abbott, get me out of here, will you?
16:43Will you pay the dollar?
16:44Your Honor, you have heard the testimony.
16:46How can you call my client guilty?
16:48But I didn't call him guilty.
16:49Then why are you wasting my time?
16:53The court finds the defendant, Luke Costello, guilty, and the fine is $1 or 30 days.
16:57We won't pay the fine, Costello.
16:58No, we'll appeal the case to a higher court.
17:01I got plenty of time.
17:03You just got some for me, too.
17:06Abbott, will you please give the man a dollar?
17:08Please give him a dollar?
17:17Supreme Court's now in session.
17:19First case, Niles versus Costello.
17:20Prisoner will step to the bar.
17:21Costello, are the chains heavy?
17:32No.
17:32Would you mind holding this hundred-pound ball?
17:36Abbott, get me out of here.
17:39Please, pay that one measly dollar.
17:44Order in the court.
17:45Remember, I am justice.
17:47And I'm justice, too.
17:49Justice who?
17:50Just as good as you are.
17:52You can't speak that way to me, young man.
17:54I've been sitting on this bench for 20 years.
17:57Oh, just naturally lazy, eh?
17:59Wait.
18:00Wait.
18:00Let me handle this case.
18:02Mr. Cantelope.
18:08Please tell the judge and jury the story of your life.
18:12Okay.
18:12Ladies and gentlemen.
18:14That's enough.
18:15What a short life.
18:17Your Honor, my client would never hurt a dog.
18:20Mr. Corniello.
18:24Tell the judge about your own little dog.
18:27Okay.
18:28I once had a little dog.
18:30Did he have long, wavy hair?
18:33Uh-huh.
18:34And did he have a cold nose?
18:36Uh-huh.
18:37And did he have very big ears?
18:40Oh, yes.
18:40Papa!
18:41That's it!
18:55Your Honor, I would like...
18:58Your Honor, I would like to ask my client just one question.
19:04Request granted.
19:06Mr. Castellanos.
19:09Tell me something.
19:10Where were you on the night of December 23rd, 1943?
19:14I was home.
19:14You should have been with me.
19:15I had a wonderful time.
19:17The defense rests.
19:19Alcatraz, here I come!
19:21The court has considered the new evidence in this case.
19:24Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia,
19:29after which he bit two people who died immediately.
19:32Therefore, new Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree,
19:36and it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile.
19:43Abbot, please pay the dollar!
19:46Right this way, gentlemen.
19:56Only five minutes with a prisoner.
19:58Abbot, get me out of here.
20:00Costello, listen.
20:01We've got some moves for you.
20:02Absolutely.
20:03I just came from the capital.
20:04I saw the governor.
20:05What did he say?
20:06Pay the dollar.
20:08That's what I've been trying to tell you.
20:09Now, now, don't get excited, Costello.
20:11Mrs. Niles, what are you doing here?
20:13Well, Mrs. Storchese and I went to the governor, paid the dollar,
20:16and now everything's all straightened out.
20:18Costello, you're a free man.
20:20Gee, the only friend I got, thanks, Mrs. Niles.
20:22Yes, Costello, we're sorry it all happened,
20:24so as a surprise, we brought a friend of yours to see you.
20:27Say hello to Mr. Costello, Rover.
20:29Rover?
20:31Costello, Costello, you...
20:33He's bit me again!
20:33Costello, you've...
20:34He's bit me!
20:35Costello, you've got your foot in the dog's mouth.
20:37You're choking Rover again!
20:39Costello, you're under arrest!
20:40That'll cost you a dollar!
20:41Don't pay the fine!
20:42We'll take it to the highest score!
20:44Here we go again!
20:45Let me out of here!
20:48Get me out of here!
20:51Get back!
20:52Pay the dollar!
20:54Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
20:57And now, here's Abbott and Costello with the final words.
20:59Thanks, Ken.
21:00We're a little late,
21:01so I'll just say good night and a happy New Year to you all.
21:04Be sure to tune in for another great Abbott and Costello show next week at this same time,
21:18when our guest will be Judy Canova.
21:21And remember, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke,
21:25get Camels.
21:26More flavor helps Camels hold up pack after pack.
21:29And now, this is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant holiday from Hollywood.
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