- 2 days ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program
00:13Listen to the rhythm of Will Osbern and his orchestra
00:18The great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews
00:21And that happy, heavy, hippie little horseman
00:25Who, when asked to pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby
00:27Glanced at his racing form and calmly said
00:30There you are, Costello
00:49I've been looking all over for you, all week
00:51I telephoned your house Tuesday night
00:52And somebody answered and said you were taking a bath
00:55You know I'm lost already?
00:56Right at the beginning, gang
00:57Somebody
00:59Never mind, this is no
01:03This is no kidding, somebody deliberately told me that you were taking a bath
01:08Somebody said that I was taking a bath?
01:10I called up Tuesday night
01:11Tuesday night?
01:11Yes
01:12Brother, did you have the wrong number?
01:14Well, look, my wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on Main Street this morning
01:18What were you doing in a tattoo parlor?
01:19Well, I got lost it for my girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil
01:21Yes
01:22You know, the one that's in the Army?
01:22Yeah
01:23So I had a picture tattooed on my back
01:24You had Tessie's picture tattooed on your back?
01:26Oh, yeah
01:27Sure
01:27And I had me tattooed on my chest
01:29Look, see it?
01:30Wait a minute, Costello
01:31I don't see you on your chest
01:33Am I back there with Tessie again?
01:35Talk sex, Costello
01:38I understand that Tessie is going to get out of the Army next week
01:42Oh, that's right, Abbott
01:42And she's going back to her old job posing for a designer
01:44He uses Tessie's knees for models
01:46He uses Tessie's knees for models?
01:48What does he design?
01:50Doorknobs
01:50Doorknobs
01:51Wait a minute, Costello
01:53Costello, just a minute
01:57Turn around, let me see that picture of Tessie on your back
01:59Go ahead, turn around
02:00Aha, I thought so
02:03She's knock-kneed
02:04Tessie is not knock-kneed
02:05Well, her knees are touching
02:06She just stands that way
02:08Of course, she hasn't got any garters
02:09I
02:09Look, Costello
02:12Costello, if you're so crazy about Tessie
02:15Why don't you marry her?
02:17Well, I don't believe in marriage, Abbott
02:19Marriage is like soup
02:20Marriage is like soup?
02:21Sure
02:21By the time you get through spooning, it cools off
02:23That's ridiculous
02:30Well, always, Abbott
02:31You know, I don't know if Tessie wants to marry me or not
02:34You see, she's also in love with nine other guys
02:36Tessie is in love with you and nine other guys
02:38Yeah
02:38You should have been there the day Tessie left for the army
02:42What do you mean?
02:42It was beautiful
02:43The ten of us chipped in and bought her an engagement ring
02:45Wait a minute, I understand you had a little spat with Tessie before she left
02:51Well, what was it about?
02:52She got mad at me because I stole a kiss
02:53Oh, now that's silly
02:54Why should Tessie get mad because you stole a kiss?
02:56I stole it from her sister
02:57And you know something?
03:00That's the first girl I kissed since last Christmas
03:03Oh, Costello, you mean that from last Christmas till now you kissed just one girl?
03:08How do you count for that?
03:09Oh, I guess I'm just a wolf
03:10I can't control myself
03:13I can see that
03:14I'm a cat
03:15I'm lower than a cat
03:16I'm an old Studebaker
03:17With no fog lights
03:20All right
03:20Just cut that out, Costello
03:22The trouble with you is that you wear your heart on your sleeve
03:25That's a lie
03:26I might have a little liver and onions on my vest
03:28And a smudge of tapioca on my trousers
03:30But I ain't got no heart on my sleeve
03:32No, no, Costello
03:33I only meant that you are fickle
03:35I'm what?
03:35You're fickle
03:36Fickle
03:37I never touch the stuff
03:38I've never been fickled in my love
03:41Now, look
03:41I'm not referring to drinking
03:43I'm referring to love
03:44Do you know what love is?
03:45Oh, sure
03:46Little pigeons make love
03:47Butterflies make love
03:48Yes
03:48Oysters make love
03:50Wait a minute
03:51Oysters make love?
03:52You'd be surprised what goes on inside them shells
03:54No
03:54Costello, you don't appreciate romance
04:03You know, you don't
04:05Really, Lou
04:06You don't appreciate romance at all
04:08Oh, when I was courting my wife
04:10There was a big grandfather's clock in the living room
04:12Who used to sit and listen to it tick
04:14And it said
04:14Take your time
04:16Take your time
04:18Take your time
04:19Yeah, but things are different now, Abbott
04:20Today, when a fella sits in Apollo with his girl
04:22There's an alarm clock on the mantel that says
04:24Get together
04:25Get together
04:25Get together
04:26Get together
04:26Get together
04:27Get together
04:27Ah, I'll never figure that old grandfather's clock
04:30It's a great memory, though, Lou
04:37That old grandfather's clock
04:38The day we were married is stuff
04:40Stuff?
04:41Yep
04:41Your wife must have looked at it
04:43I guess
04:43Ah, yeah, wait a minute
04:44Are you insinuating that my wife's face would stop a clock?
04:48Well, it ain't running, is it?
04:48Eh
04:48Look, forget about the clock, Costello
04:51What happened to your romance with that tall, red-headed girl?
04:53Oh, you mean lean against her?
04:54Yes
04:54Oh, well
04:56We're married and happy
04:58Married and happy?
04:59Yeah, she's married and I'm happy
05:00I'm glad she married somebody else
05:03The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money
05:06Well, marrying for money is better than getting married for no reason at all
05:09Ah, Costello
05:10When I married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match
05:14Match is right
05:15She struck you and you went out like a light
05:16Well, at least I'm not hen-pecked
05:19Hen-pecked?
05:20Before you were married, you used to snore in your sleep
05:21Now you're cackled
05:22No, no, no
05:23Now that's not true
05:24Before I was married, everything was lovely
05:25I'd sneak into the parlor
05:27And I'd catch her in my arms
05:29Now you're sneaking into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket
05:31I
05:31Oh, forget about my marriage, Costello
05:33I'd like to get you straightened out
05:35Now, Tessie Tinfoil is not the girl for you
05:37Tessie is too, uh, blasé
05:39To what?
05:40Blasé
05:41Tessie's too blasé
05:42Blasé
05:42She's got more than two blasés
05:44Tessie's got a red blasé and a green blasé
05:46And she's got a yellow blasé
05:48She wears them with her checkered shirté
05:51Skirté
05:52Under the cote of her sute
05:54No, no, no, no
05:55There's too many things in it
05:56No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
05:57Dummy
05:58When I say she's blasé, I mean Tessie's sophisticated
06:01Sophisticated?
06:02That's right
06:03How do you like that?
06:03And she promised to me that she'd stay on the wagon
06:05Listen, you innocent, please
06:07When I say a girl's blasé, I'm not referring to her clothes
06:10Anyone who is blasé is sophisticated
06:12And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated
06:14It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication
06:17Where he or she becomes blasé
06:19Oh, when you say a girl's blasé, you're not referring to her clothes
06:22No
06:22And anyone who is blasé is sophisticated
06:24And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated
06:26It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication
06:28Where he or she becomes blasé
06:30Now you've got it
06:31Now I've...
06:31I don't even know what I'm talking about
06:33Get him out of here
06:33Say, Costello
06:44Hey, wouldn't this be a dandy day to go to the beach?
06:46Oh, yes
06:46If we had a telephone call, we could call up some girls
06:49If we had a nickel
06:50And if we knew any girls
06:52There you go again, girls, girls, girls
06:53Can't you think of anything better than girls?
06:56There's something better
06:56Oh, look, Costello
06:58Hey, there's Connie Haynes
07:00Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go to the beach?
07:02Okay
07:02Oh, Connie, Connie
07:03Hey, Connie
07:04How would you like to go to the beach with me, huh?
07:06Well, Mr. Costello, honey
07:07I don't know if I should
07:09I suppose you all want to teach me how to swim?
07:11Oh, nothing like that
07:12Well, uh, you all won't try to hold my hand?
07:17Oh, you know me better than that, Connie
07:18And you won't hug me or kiss me?
07:21Oh, gee, Willikers, no
07:22I mean, after all, I...
07:23I, I, I, I...
07:23I promise I won't
07:27Then what are we going for?
07:29Then what are we going for?
07:32We're going for something
07:34Well, goodbye, Mr. Costello
07:37Honey
07:38All right, homie
07:40Well, Costello
07:41That kid murders me
07:42Now, wait a minute
07:43You certainly got turned down fast by Connie
07:45Well, maybe she's sure
07:46Because I broke a date with her Saturday night
07:48I was supposed to meet her at 7 o'clock
07:49What happened?
07:49I waited around till 11
07:50She didn't come, so I just threw her up, that's all
07:52I wish Connie would go to the beach with us
07:54Because she's, she's got the cutest bathing suit
07:56What's it like?
07:57It's made of two pieces of string
07:58Held together by a handkerchief
07:59Well
08:03It's too bad Connie's not going
08:06Come on
08:07Get your trunks, Costello
08:08And let's go to the beach
08:09My trunks?
08:10Yes
08:10Why should I take my trunks?
08:11I don't want to move
08:12I just want to go swimming
08:12Well, you swim in trunks, don't you?
08:15I do not
08:15I swim in the water
08:16Just like anybody else
08:17Never mind
08:18I'll rent you a swimming suit
08:19Would you wear a rented suit?
08:21That depends where it's rented
08:22And the size of the rent
08:24No, no
08:24Come on, Costello
08:25Let's get started
08:26I'll get some lotion to rub on you
08:27So you won't sunburn
08:28Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Abbott
08:30I never burn
08:30I just take a nice, healthy, even blister
08:33Well, come on, Costello
08:43There's nobody around
08:44So get into your suit
08:45Ah, isn't the beach beautiful?
08:47Just look at the birds
08:48Flying over the water
08:49Oh, I wrote a poem about them birds
08:50I'll recite it
08:51Go ahead
08:52A wonderful bird is the seagull
08:54Which can fly quite as high as an eagle
08:56They sit on the sand
08:58And sometimes they stand
09:00But you can't tell a he from a she-go
09:02Hey, hey, Costello
09:05Here comes a cop
09:06Hey, you guys
09:07This is a private beach
09:08You can't swim here
09:09It's against the law
09:10Why don't you tell me before I got undressed?
09:11Well, there's no law against undressing
09:13Look, let's go
09:16Look, let's go
09:18Let's go over beyond those ropes, Costello
09:20That's the public beach
09:22Look at that beautiful redhead
09:24I'm going over there
09:25And teach her to swim
09:26Suppose she knows how to swim
09:28Then I'll let her teach me
09:29Hey, Addie
09:31Give me my pail and shovel
09:32Right here is the spot
09:33Where I covered Ruby Pool
09:34Queue up with the sand last Sunday
09:36Well, what do you want your shovel for now?
09:38Well, I figure it's about time to dig her up
09:39I love Costello
09:41Hey, look at that fat lady
09:42In that rubber bathing suit
09:43Oh, them rubber bathing suits
09:44They're made for fat ladies
09:46They got a five-way stretch
09:47Five-way stretch?
09:48Yeah, up and down
09:49Back and forth
09:50And a shelf
09:51To take care of the surplus
09:52Hey, Costello
09:54Look at that man over there
09:56Feeding donuts to his horse
09:57Can you imagine that?
09:58Hey, you mister
09:59What's the idea
10:00Of giving all them donuts
10:00To your horse?
10:01I just want to see
10:02How many he'll eat
10:03Before he asks
10:05For a cup of coffee
10:06Hey, what are you doing
10:10On the beach
10:11With that horse?
10:12Well, you see
10:12I came down here
10:13To go swim
10:14To go swim
10:16To go swim
10:18Swimming?
10:19No, fishing
10:20Did you catch anything?
10:25No
10:26You see, my wife was with me
10:28And the fish took one look at her
10:30When they saw how badly I was hooked
10:33They wouldn't bite at all
10:35All right, all right
10:38Never mind him, Costello
10:40Why don't you go into the water?
10:41You've always bragged to me
10:42That you were such a great life saver
10:44Now, come on
10:44I am a great life saver, Abbott
10:46And I'll prove it to you
10:47I can save anybody
10:48Anybody at all
10:49Anybody want to be saved?
10:50Anybody at all
10:51Would like to be saved?
10:52Help, help
10:53Save me, save me
10:54Are you a man or a woman?
10:55Woman
10:56How old?
10:57Fifty-seven
10:57Anybody else want to be saved?
11:03Never mind
11:03The lifeguard got her
11:04Lucky for you, son
11:07Now, look, Costello
11:09When you go into the water
11:09Stay close to the life boy
11:11Stay close to the what?
11:12The boy
11:12Stay close to the boy
11:13That's the safest thing
11:14Stay close to the boy
11:15That may be the safest thing
11:17But if you want to have some fun
11:18You've got to stay close to the girls
11:19Costello
11:20Girls have nothing to do
11:21With this kind of a boy
11:22The kind of a boy, I mean
11:23Will keep you up
11:24But what do you know?
11:25What is the boy's name?
11:26The boy has no name
11:28It's just a plain red and white boy
11:30A red?
11:30I mean, this boy is anchored
11:31To a sandbar
11:32And it has a bell
11:33What is that bell boy doing in the bar?
11:35Nothing
11:36The boy is not in the bar
11:38The boy is on the bar
11:40He'd probably crawl up there
11:41To steal some pretzels
11:42No, no, no
11:42That boy is on the bar
11:46To keep people from going on the rocks
11:47So he finally learned his lesson
11:49Why didn't his mother
11:50Keep him out of that bar?
11:51This boy hasn't got a mother
11:52Hasn't got a mother?
11:54No
11:54That did it
11:55What do you mean?
11:56Abbott, you have gone too far
11:57I didn't mind when you said
11:58That the girls will have nothing to do
11:59With this poor boy
12:00And I was only mildly surprised
12:02When you told me
12:02That he was half red and half white
12:03I said nothing
12:04When you pushed him up
12:05On top of that bar
12:06To steal pretzels
12:06When the bartender's back was turned
12:08But when you tell me
12:09That that poor boy
12:11Has no name
12:11And no mother
12:12You have not only
12:14Besmirched the stank
12:16To be of the American home
12:17But you have passed
12:19Aspergions
12:20On the good name
12:20Of the campfire boys
12:22Of troop number 35
12:24USA
12:24Patterson, New Jersey
12:26Get him out of here
12:26I'll bring you up
12:27Costello, what are you doing
12:36With that horseshoe?
12:37I'm going to throw it
12:37Over my left shoulder
12:38And make a wish
12:39I wish that Hedy Lamarr
12:40Was the head of a giraffe
12:41And I was the body
12:42Oh, now that sounds silly
12:43That's ridiculous
12:44Why should you wish
12:45That Hedy Lamarr
12:46Was the head of a giraffe
12:47And you were the body?
12:47I always wanted a long neck
12:49With Hedy
12:49Costello, you've got to
12:52Get girls off your mind
12:53Why don't you walk
12:54In the park at night
12:55And admire the stars?
12:56You mean like Betty Grable
12:56Lana Turner and Dorothy L'Amour?
12:57No, no, no, no
12:58I'm talking about
12:59Heavenly bodies
12:59Brother, we're both
13:00Talking about the same thing
13:01Well, look
13:02Someday you're going
13:04To get in trouble
13:04Chasing girls
13:05And you'd better
13:05Keep away from that
13:06Young divorcee
13:07That lives next door to you
13:08You'll never get
13:09To first base with her
13:10I did get to first base
13:11With her, Adam
13:12What happened?
13:12Her ex-husband
13:13Was on second
13:13Hey, dummy girls like her
13:16Are a dime a dozen
13:16Yeah, a dime a dozen?
13:17Yeah
13:18Well, here's a nickel
13:19Get me sick
13:19I think you've got
13:21Women on the brain
13:22Last night in your sleep
13:23You kept hollering
13:23For Ingrid Bergman
13:24Well, Ingrid Bergman
13:25Happens to be my favorite actress
13:26Since I saw her
13:27In that bathing beauty picture
13:28You saw Ingrid Bergman
13:29In a bathing beauty picture?
13:31What was it called?
13:32For Whom the Bath Towels
13:33Costello, please
13:37Do you dream of women
13:38Every night?
13:39Not every night
13:39Well, that's better
13:40Sometimes I take a nap
13:41In the afternoon
13:41Come in
13:44Oh, there you are
13:46You fat, impudent little slob
13:47That's me
13:49Yes, you
13:51Costello, last night
13:52I dreamt that I went out with you
13:54You did?
13:54Yes, and I've never been
13:55So insulted in my life
13:56Take that
13:57Now, the next time
13:59I dream about you
14:00Maybe you'll act like a gentleman
14:01How do you like that?
14:05The next time she's dreams
14:06She's got a date with me
14:06I ain't even gonna show up
14:07Well, Costello
14:10I'm convinced
14:11That your dreams
14:12Are the cause
14:12Of all your girl troubles
14:14And we've got to find out
14:15What they mean
14:15Gee, I wish we could
14:16Really, you do
14:17I'm glad you said that, Costello
14:18Because we have with us tonight
14:19The world's greatest authority
14:20On dreams
14:21Ah, good evening, gentlemen
14:22I am the world's greatest
14:23Dream analyst
14:24Professor Melonhead
14:25Ahem
14:26Known professionally
14:28As Dreamboat Melonhead
14:30Dreamboat Melonhead
14:32Dreamboat
14:32Looks like somebody
14:33Plucked all the feathers
14:34Out of your crow's nest
14:35Young man
14:37Are you trying to infer
14:39That my head is bald?
14:40Infer?
14:41If you put your head in fur
14:42It would look like
14:43An oversized mothball
14:44Hey, Addie
14:45Get a lot of that
14:46Slippery dome
14:46I've seen ostriches
14:48Sitting on better looking
14:49Things than that
14:49No, Costello, please
14:50And you get results
14:52I know, I know
14:52Please
14:53You should make
14:56You should make
14:57Cracks about the professor's head
14:58If his head ever cracks
14:59I'll make an omelet out of it
15:01Look, gentlemen
15:02We're wasting time
15:03Professor Melonhead
15:04Can you tell us
15:05What causes Costello
15:05To dream about girls?
15:06Of course, Abbott
15:07Tell me, Costello
15:08Do you dream about girls
15:10All the time?
15:10No
15:11Only when I'm asleep
15:12My good
15:13Now I'll have to have
15:14A little of your case history
15:15Do any other members
15:16Of your family
15:17Have peculiar dreams?
15:18Yes, my uncle
15:19Artie Steffens
15:20Last night he dreamed
15:21He was pulling the weeds
15:22Out of his garden
15:22Ah, he dreamed
15:23He was pulling weeds
15:24Out of his garden
15:25What happened?
15:26When he woke up
15:26His wife was as bold
15:28As an eagle
15:28All right
15:33Now let's get back
15:33To you, Costello
15:34What type of girls
15:36Do you dream of?
15:37Beautiful girls
15:37Beautiful
15:37Once I dreamed
15:38A beautiful, gorgeous blonde
15:39And when I put my arms around her
15:40Something electric
15:41Passed between us
15:42A shot?
15:42No, she slipped a light bill
15:44Into my pocket
15:44Oh
15:44Well, Professor
15:46Professor Melonhead
15:49Have you found out
15:50What causes Costello's dreams?
15:51Well, Abbott
15:52My superficial diagnosis
15:53Tells me that Costello's dreams
15:54Are caused by contraction
15:56Of the nerves in his head
15:57Making his brain
15:58Two tenths
15:59My brain is two tenths?
16:01Yep
16:01Two tenths
16:02The size of a normal brain
16:04Melonhead
16:06For two tenths
16:07I'd suck you right in the push
16:09All right
16:10Now, Costello
16:10Now, I will attempt
16:11To remedy your condition
16:12By massaging your head
16:13First, I will stuff cotton
16:15Into your auditory canal
16:16Then, I will pack your cranium
16:18In cracked ice
16:19Tighten your cerebrum
16:21Loosen your cerebellum
16:23And then
16:24I will rub horse liniments
16:26Into your medulla oblongata
16:29Oh, you wouldn't dare
16:38You haven't got the nerve
16:42Oh, now, Costello
16:43A person's equilibrium
16:44Is often an important factor
16:46In the cause and effect
16:47Of dreams
16:48Therefore
16:48I will have to test
16:50Your equilibrium
16:51Melonhead
16:52If you as much as lay
16:53One finger on my equilibrium
16:55I will call my money
16:56No, no, no
16:59To test your equilibrium, Costello
17:00I want you to climb up
17:01This step ladder here
17:02And balance yourself
17:03On the top step
17:04Go ahead
17:05Well, that's very silly
17:05But I'll go
17:06Here I go
17:06Ah, Costello is now
17:08Climbing the ladder
17:09He's up 15 feet
17:10He's up 30 feet
17:12Keep climbing, Costello
17:13Now he's up 75 feet
17:15Costello has now climbed
17:17Up to 100 feet
17:19Now
17:19Wait a minute, Professor
17:21That step ladder
17:22Is only 9 feet tall
17:23Oh, my goodness
17:24What a mistake
17:25Costello
17:25Costello
17:26Come down here at once
17:28Woo-hoo
17:46Woo-hoo
17:47Action now
17:50Cut it out
17:51Woo-hoo
17:54Hey, Ed, what happened?
17:56Costello
17:57Costello
17:57Do you realize
17:58You climbed up 100 feet
18:00And that ladder
18:01Is only 9 feet high?
18:03Now
18:04He tells me
18:05Oh, let me out of here
18:06Let me at that melon head
18:07Will you?
18:08Let me at the melon head
18:09And now
18:23Here, Bud Abbott
18:23Is Costello
18:24To the final work
18:25Now, Costello
18:25I think I figured out
18:27A cue up for your mania
18:28For chasing girls
18:28I've asked Tony Haynes
18:29To give you a nice
18:30Big kiss
18:31Hey, Abbott
18:32That ought to cure me
18:33Go ahead, Tony
18:34Well, pack her up, Mr. Costello
18:36And I'll kiss you
18:37How do you feel now, Mr. Costello, honey?
18:49I feel fine
18:50But that sailor
18:51In the first row
18:52Just fainted
18:53Good night, boys
18:54This is the
18:55Armed Forces Radio Service
18:56Thank you
18:58Thank you
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