- 10 minutes ago
Two boys duck into a movie theatre to escape a cop, and find themselves in the pre-war Army. This is a Lux Radio Theatre debut for Abbott and Costello. It is a story of life in an army camp, some highly imaginary army camp, for a tent flap opens and Abbott and Costello blow in with a draught! But of course any similarity between this play and life in the armed forces is purely coincidently. Stars, Bud Abbott as Smitty and Lou Costello as Herbie, with Benny Rubin as sergeant Collins, Lynne Carver as Judy and Jean O’Donnell as Bob.
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00:00Lux presents Hollywood.
00:15The Lux Radio Theater brings you Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Buck Privates.
00:21Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.
00:30Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen.
00:36To a producer, one of the most gratifying sounds in the theater
00:39is what may be classified academically as the ventral rysis.
00:44But backstage we have a slang name for it that I'll call the tummy laugh.
00:49Past masters at producing this phenomenon are tonight's stars,
00:54Bud Abbott and Lou Costello,
00:56who hit Hollywood with the force of a hurricane less than a year ago.
01:00The picture that put them over was Buck Privates,
01:03which Universal made in the ordinary course of the studio schedule.
01:06Suddenly one day, everybody on the lot from office boy to president
01:10woke up to the fact that gold had been discovered in Universal City.
01:15Buck Privates had panned out as a bonanza.
01:17And that's the play we've picked for Abbott and Costello's debut in the Lux Radio Theater.
01:21It's a story of life in an army camp,
01:25some highly imaginary army camp,
01:27where a tent flap opens and Abbott and Costello blow in with the draft.
01:32But of course, any similarity between this play
01:35and life in the armed forces of the Republic is purely coincidental.
01:41Hiding behind the curtain now are Abbott and Costello,
01:43so we'll raise it for the first act of Buck Privates,
01:47starring Bud Abbott as Smitty
01:48and Lou Costello as Herbie,
01:51with Benny Rubin as Sergeant Collins,
01:54Lynn Carver as Judy,
01:55and Gene O'Donnell as Bob.
01:57September the 14th, 1940.
02:07Congress passes the first peacetime selective training act
02:10in the history of our nation.
02:15From the farms they come, and from the factories,
02:18from quiet villages, from roaring cities,
02:20the youth of America on the march,
02:22swelling the ranks with volunteers.
02:24Step right up, fellas!
02:26Volunteers in this line, draftees over there!
02:28Keep it moving, fellas!
02:30That's an army recruiting station
02:31in a vacant movie theater
02:33with a long line of men outside.
02:36But just down the street
02:37are two boys who haven't heard the news yet.
02:40These two boys don't know what day it is.
02:42One of them doesn't even know what time it is.
02:45They're up to their old tricks,
02:46selling neckties on street corners.
02:49Now, gather around me, gents.
02:50Just a little closer.
02:51Thank you, thank you.
02:51That's fine.
02:52Now, gents,
02:52I don't want to give you any sales talk,
02:54but never in my life
02:56have I ever had the opportunity
02:57of presenting such merchandise.
02:59Look at these neckties.
03:00Steal that material!
03:01Uh, pardon me,
03:01will you please step aside, mister,
03:03and let that little fat boy in.
03:04Uh, like to buy a tie, sonny?
03:06Hey, yes, sir!
03:07How much money have you got?
03:08I got in a vicinity of $28.
03:10Oh, you've got $28.
03:11In a vicinity.
03:12In the neighborhood, I got three bucks.
03:13Then you have three dollars.
03:15Yes, sir, roughly speaking.
03:16When you smooth it out, I got a buck.
03:18Wait a minute, just a minute.
03:18Then you have a dollar.
03:19I got a dollar.
03:19All right, just hand it over, please.
03:21The gentleman buys ten ties.
03:23Ten for a dollar is cheap.
03:25I'll take ten of them.
03:26Hey, fatty, how can he sell ties that cheap?
03:28Oh, that's easy, mister.
03:29We ain't got no overhead.
03:30We ain't even got a license to sell ties.
03:32I get it now.
03:33You two guys are working in cahoots.
03:34The whole thing's a jib.
03:35Those ties ain't even worth a nickel.
03:37I'm gonna call a cop.
03:38Hey, often...
03:38Now, look what you did.
03:40Grab those ties,
03:40and let's get going before the cops come.
03:42Come on, hurry up.
03:42We'll hop in that green and white taxi cab.
03:44All right.
03:45Step on it, driver.
03:45We're trying to get away from a cop.
03:46Now, ain't that just dandy?
03:48Smitty, it's a cop.
03:49We're in a police car.
03:50Let me out of here.
03:52Stop you.
03:53Come back here.
03:54Come back here.
03:59All right, men.
04:04Keep moving.
04:05Volunteers in this line.
04:06Drafty's over there.
04:08Volunteers in this line.
04:09Drafty's over there.
04:10Drafty's over there.
04:12Oh, boy.
04:13Come on, Harvey.
04:13You got the ties?
04:15I got them.
04:15Boy, we sure got away from that dumb cop.
04:17Come on, we've got to hide somewhere.
04:18Hey, Smitty, let's hide in the movies.
04:20What movies?
04:20That line over there.
04:21They must be going in to see a picture.
04:23Looks like it.
04:23Well, let's get in line and buy a couple of tickets.
04:25Okay.
04:26Excuse me, brother.
04:27Hey, what's the idea?
04:28I want to get in line.
04:29Well, get in the back where you belong.
04:31Oh, tough guy, huh?
04:32You want to fight?
04:33Take your coat off.
04:34All right, my coat's off.
04:35Now what?
04:36It's much cooler this way, ain't it?
04:37No.
04:39Please cut it out, Herbie.
04:40No fighting.
04:41Let's get the tickets.
04:41Okay.
04:42Hey, look.
04:43Look at the way they dress the ticket seller.
04:45Like a soldier.
04:46Hello, fellas.
04:47What can I do for you?
04:48Oh, that's good.
04:49We want to know how much it costs to get in.
04:51Not a thing, boys.
04:52As a matter of fact, we're going to give you $21.
04:54You're going to give us $21?
04:56Uh-huh.
04:57Bank night.
04:58Hey, giving any dishes away?
05:00Nope.
05:01Tin plates.
05:01Tin plates?
05:02That's a novelty, Smitty.
05:03Now we can start a new set.
05:05Sure.
05:05Come on.
05:06Step inside.
05:06Hurry up, Herbie, or we won't get a seat.
05:08Okay.
05:09Hey, you sure?
05:10Yeah, you sure.
05:10What picture's playing in here?
05:12What picture?
05:13You're in the army now.
05:15Oh, that's well.
05:16I never saw that picture.
05:17Hey, Joe.
05:18A couple of new customers.
05:19Well, fine, fine.
05:20Hello, boys.
05:21Drafty?
05:22No, not a bit.
05:23You feel drafty, Smitty?
05:24Not me.
05:25I feel very comfortable in this joint here.
05:28Well, good.
05:29Now let's get you registered.
05:30Yeah, come on.
05:30Let's get registered before the drawing starts.
05:32Ah, you think you're going to win, huh, Smitty?
05:34Sure.
05:34Sure.
05:35Sign right here, please.
05:36Oh, please.
05:37Oh, boy, what polite uses.
05:39Shh.
05:39Quiet, please.
05:40And now let me have your signature right here, please.
05:43I'd be delighted.
05:44And I hope I win.
05:47Everybody is so happy around here.
05:50Well, congratulations, men.
05:52We're glad to have you in the army.
05:54We're very glad to be in the army.
05:56What army?
05:57Let me out of here.
05:59Come on, gangway.
06:00Head out.
06:00Get me out.
06:01Just a moment.
06:02Yeah, just a moment.
06:04Oh, Smitty, the same cop.
06:06Yeah, it's the same cop.
06:08What's the matter, officer?
06:09I owe these guys a pinch.
06:10Come on, boy.
06:11Wait a minute.
06:12They're in the army, officer.
06:13You can't touch them now.
06:14There.
06:14You see, wise guy?
06:15So you're in the army, eh?
06:19Well, I'm joining up myself tomorrow.
06:22I'll be seeing you, boys.
06:27Hey, Smitty, I'm laughing.
06:31What am I laughing at?
06:32All right, men.
06:44Here are your orders.
06:46Report at the high street armory at seven o'clock.
06:49You leave the railway station at nine.
06:51Until then, dismiss.
06:54What happened?
06:55The officer dismissed us.
06:56You mean we're fired before we even get started?
06:59Oh, no.
06:59We have time off till seven o'clock.
07:01Hello, fellas.
07:01Got a match?
07:02Sure, here.
07:03Thanks.
07:03My name's Martin, Bob Martin.
07:05Hiya, neighbor.
07:06I'm Smitty.
07:07This is Herbie.
07:07Hello, Herbie.
07:08Were you drafted, too?
07:09No, sir.
07:10I'm involuntary volunteer.
07:12Oh, well, Martin, will you get my hat?
07:14I left it in the other room.
07:15I think you'd better get it yourself, Mr. Parker.
07:17What's that?
07:18I'm not working for you anymore.
07:19Now, look, Martin, I thought we had it understood.
07:21If we happened to get in the same company, I wanted you to keep right on with your job.
07:25I'll pay you, of course.
07:26Thanks.
07:26But we're just a couple of buck privates now.
07:28You won't need a chauffeur, Mr. Parker.
07:30All right, Martin.
07:31Martin, I won't be in very long anyhow.
07:33But maybe if you behaved yourself, I could get you out of me.
07:36Through your father, I suppose.
07:37Well, he has a little influence in Washington, you know.
07:40What do you say?
07:40I'm not having any thank you.
07:42I'll serve my time like everybody else.
07:44Go ahead.
07:45Mr. Parker, I've worked for you for two years, haven't I?
07:48That's right.
07:48It's been quite an experience.
07:49I've carried you upstairs and put you to bed any number of times.
07:52Yes, but why bring that up?
07:53Remember that night I froze both my ears waiting for you?
07:56And that accident you had when I took the rap and went to jail for you?
07:59Look, Martin, let's not reminisce.
08:00Yeah, but we're in the army now, so I think it's about time I tendered my resignation.
08:03Very well, tender it.
08:04Yes, sir.
08:05Would you mind putting up your hands, Mr. Parker?
08:07Anything to oblige an old friend.
08:08So long, Mr. Parker.
08:15I'll see you at camp.
08:16Well, what do you think of that?
08:18You know, Smitty, that gives me an idea.
08:21Yeah, what?
08:22I've been working for you for six years.
08:24So?
08:24Now we're in the army.
08:26Well...
08:26And it's all your fault.
08:27What do you mean?
08:28So I'm going to tender you my resignation.
08:32Herbie.
08:33Herbie.
08:34You hit me.
08:36Smitty, just help me.
08:37I didn't mean it.
08:37I must be going out of my head.
08:39Yeah.
08:39You're my best friend.
08:40Not now.
08:41I didn't realize that I hit you.
08:42I don't know.
08:42Oh, Smitty.
08:43Never mind.
08:44I'll never get away with it again.
08:45I know you won't.
08:46Please, Smitty.
08:47Do me a favor, will you, Smitty?
08:49No.
08:49Hit me right in the chin and make me happy.
08:51I will not.
08:52Oh, Smitty.
08:53No!
08:54Don't let me go through life with that on my mind.
08:56Hit me right in the push, will you, Smitty?
08:58Make me happy.
08:59Right in the kisser.
09:01All right.
09:05And I had to coax him to do it.
09:08And when you hear that whistle, hop to it.
09:18Now fall out until train time.
09:19All right.
09:20Cigarette, soldier, compliments of the army.
09:25Judy!
09:25Bob!
09:26Judy, great.
09:27What are you doing here?
09:28Why, I joined the army.
09:29Go on.
09:30No, really.
09:30I'm a camp hostess now.
09:32We're going to add the feminine touch.
09:33Hey, that'll make being drafted more popular.
09:35I think it's pretty popular right now.
09:37Yeah.
09:37Cigarettes, Bob?
09:38Thanks.
09:38See you later.
09:39See you later, Judy.
09:40Chewing gum?
09:41Apples?
09:42Oh, hello, soldier.
09:43Hello, miss.
09:45Like some cigarettes?
09:46No, ma'am.
09:47Well, how about an apple?
09:48Have you got a lollipop?
09:50I'm sorry.
09:51Why?
09:51You like lollipop?
09:52Oh, I'm just a sucker for those things.
09:54Cigarettes?
09:55Apples?
09:56Hey, you know what, Smitty?
09:57Gee, she's a nice-looking soldier.
09:58Oh, stop looking at her.
10:00I was only looking at her to see if she was looking at me to see if I was looking at her.
10:03Oh, keep quiet.
10:05What do you always pick on me for?
10:07How are you doing, soldier?
10:08Oh, hello.
10:09Hello, cigarette?
10:10Thanks.
10:11My name's Randy Parker.
10:12Hi, Mr. Parker.
10:13I'm Judy Gray.
10:14Well, see you at camp.
10:15Oh, now, wait.
10:16Don't go.
10:17Oh, but I have to.
10:18I'm on duty.
10:19A hostess' first duty is to keep the soldiers happy.
10:21I won't be unless we get better acquainted.
10:23We'll have plenty of time to become acquainted.
10:25Oh, but I'll be out of the army in a week.
10:27Sit down.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:28Come on.
10:29Will you please let me go?
10:30Not until we're better acquainted.
10:31Please.
10:32What goes on here?
10:33What's the matter, Judy?
10:34Oh, it's nothing, Bob.
10:34Just a fresh recruit trying out the manual of arms.
10:37Forget it.
10:38Judy, I'm running out of gum.
10:39Do you have any?
10:40Coming, Patty.
10:40I'd better tell you something, Parker.
10:42Stay away from that girl.
10:43I'll take my own gum, any thanks?
10:44Maybe on Park Avenue, but not in the army.
10:46Keep away from Judy.
10:48I'm ready!
10:50Fall in!
10:51Fall in!
10:51Come on, Dice.
11:06Come on, Dice.
11:07Do your duty.
11:08Seven for Papa.
11:09Come on.
11:09Just this once.
11:10And there they go.
11:11Ha!
11:11Freedom and Weed, boys.
11:12Seven and Atch.
11:13Come on, put your money down, boys.
11:15Put your money down.
11:17Hey, Smitty!
11:19Hey, Smitty!
11:22Hey.
11:23Hello, Smitty.
11:24How are you?
11:24Hello, Herbie.
11:25What are you doing?
11:26Your pal Smitty just gave us a lesson in dice.
11:28Oh, yeah?
11:29How do you like that?
11:30Playing dice on a choo-choo train?
11:31Yeah.
11:31Oh, boy.
11:32What is that?
11:33Dice.
11:34Dice?
11:34Mm-hmm.
11:35What's dice?
11:36That's a game.
11:37What do you mean?
11:38Dice game.
11:38You ever play a game of dice?
11:40Oh, no.
11:41Not me.
11:42You play games.
11:43Oh, I play games, but I don't play that game of dice.
11:45What do you play?
11:46I play ice pie, and I play post office, and then I play jacks.
11:50Jacks?
11:50I'm up to my foursies.
11:51Oh, no, no, no.
11:53This is a real game.
11:55You see, there's numbers on there from one to six.
11:57You roll them out.
11:58Now, if you should roll a six and a one, that's seven.
11:59That's a natural.
12:00You win.
12:01If you should roll a five and a two, that's seven.
12:03That's a natural.
12:03You win.
12:04If you should roll a four and a three, that's seven.
12:06That's a natural.
12:06You win.
12:07That's all you do is win?
12:08Well, no.
12:09Oh, you can lose, too.
12:11Well, yes, if you throw, like, two ones, that's crap, she'll lose.
12:14If you throw two sixes, that's crap, she'll lose.
12:17In other words, seven you win, and crap, she'll lose.
12:19And you can win, and you can lose.
12:21That's all there is to it.
12:23Nice game.
12:23You want to play it?
12:24I'd love to.
12:24All right, there you are.
12:25There's a dice.
12:26Now, wait a minute before you roll them out.
12:28Of course, if you roll them out and you make a seven, what do you win?
12:32Nothing.
12:32Well, now, you don't want to win nothing, do you?
12:34Not if I can help it.
12:35Well, certainly not.
12:35So I'll tell you what we'll do.
12:36We'll each put $10 down.
12:38Then when you make your seven, see, you pick up $20.
12:41Oh, we each put $10 down?
12:42That's it.
12:42Smitty.
12:43What?
12:44Don't call this gambling, will you?
12:45No, no, no, no.
12:46I don't want my mother to find out about this.
12:48Oh, don't worry about that.
12:50We'll call it bank night.
12:51All right, we'll call it bank night.
12:53Okay, go ahead.
12:54Now, what do I do with these square things?
12:56You just roll them out, and if you should throw a seven, you win, and crap, you lose.
13:00Throw them out?
13:00That's all.
13:01Here I go.
13:02Never played the game, huh?
13:03Put your $10 down.
13:03There you are, it's down.
13:04I mean, you had it in your hand.
13:05I want it down.
13:06There it is, there it is.
13:07Down on the floor.
13:08It's down now.
13:08Keep it down.
13:09All right, now, don't get it.
13:10Get your foot off it.
13:10All right, all right, all right.
13:11Get your foot off it.
13:11All right, all right, all right.
13:13Stay clear at that ten.
13:14All right, there you are.
13:14It's all cleared.
13:15Go ahead, roll them out.
13:22Wait a minute, wait a minute.
13:23I forgot to tell you.
13:24Don't pick up the money right away.
13:25I've got to pick up the money now.
13:26Not now, not now.
13:26You pick it up later.
13:27Oh, you want me to wait until the money gets up to my chin?
13:30Then I ship it down by truck.
13:32That's the idea, yes.
13:34Well, how do you like the game so far?
13:35It's good.
13:35You like it?
13:36Never played it, huh?
13:37No, sir.
13:38All right, well, what do you want to shoot for now?
13:40Fade that.
13:41Keep your hands to yourself.
13:42What do you mean, fade that?
13:44Well, don't slap me in a face.
13:44I thought you told me you never played this game.
13:46Well, it ain't a bit nice.
13:47Now, keep your hands to yourself.
13:48I don't like it, that's all.
13:49You told me...
13:49You've got no right to slap me in a push.
13:51Just a minute.
13:51You told me you never played this game.
13:52I never played the game before, and that's that.
13:54Now, wait a minute.
13:54Keep your hands where they belong.
13:55Wait until you get that fade that.
13:56It just got to me out of thin air.
13:57What do you mean, out of thin air?
13:58I just thought of it, and I said it.
14:00Is it wrong?
14:01No, it's too darn right.
14:03Are you sure you never played this game?
14:05Yes, sir.
14:07I'm surprised at you, Smitty, for you even to doubt.
14:10Doubt!
14:11All right, all right, never mind.
14:12Doubt!
14:13All right, I'll take another chance.
14:14Hey, uh, roll them out.
14:15Go ahead, forget about it.
14:17Seven, you win, crap, you lose.
14:18Same thing.
14:18And I want to remind you once more, now, keep your hands to yourself, because I don't like
14:21that thing.
14:21Don't make those remarks, I don't like them.
14:22You can kick me, don't slap me.
14:24Never mind, I'll use my own judgment.
14:26Go ahead.
14:26Now, I throw them out again.
14:27Throw them out again.
14:29Whee!
14:30Seven again.
14:31Mm-hmm.
14:32I'm lucky.
14:33Yes, well, I guess it's beginner's luck.
14:36All right, well, what do you want to shoot now?
14:37Well, let her ride.
14:39Wait a minute!
14:40Wait a minute!
14:41Just a minute!
14:41Smitty!
14:42Just a minute!
14:42I'll tell you, now, keep your hands to yourself, but don't go for that, now.
14:44Don't give me that.
14:46Now, come on, now, speak up like a man.
14:47Now, boot me around, but don't slap me.
14:48Just a minute.
14:49Now, don't go for that.
14:50Don't tell me you got that up.
14:50I'll quit the army, so help me.
14:51Just a minute.
14:52Don't tell me.
14:52I'll resign.
14:53I quit.
14:53You can't quit.
14:54I had a better offer from the Navy.
14:55Now, wait a minute.
14:55Just a minute.
14:55Let me get out of here.
14:56Just a minute.
14:57Now, wait a minute.
14:58Don't tell me you got that out of thin air.
15:00Where'd you get it?
15:01Come on, where'd you hear it?
15:01I heard it at the clubhouse.
15:12And they was all around the table, and they had lumps of sugar with some numbers on them.
15:16Yes.
15:16Dots.
15:17And they was throwing them out.
15:18And they was yelling those kind of things.
15:20Oh, oh, oh.
15:21But you didn't play in the game.
15:22Oh, no, sir.
15:23Oh.
15:24I was too young.
15:25Oh, I...
15:25I'm just a boy.
15:26Oh, I know that.
15:27They wouldn't let me play.
15:28Well, I understand it now.
15:28That's all right.
15:29No hard feeling.
15:30No.
15:30Starting Tuesday, I'm going out with girls.
15:32Why, sure.
15:33Why, sure.
15:34Yes.
15:35Here you are.
15:35You see, those kind of things, when I say those things, I'm at the age where I pick them up fast.
15:39I know that.
15:39I know that.
15:40I appreciate that, too, because you're a smart boy.
15:41You can't blame me for that.
15:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:44Go ahead now, roll.
15:44But keep your hands to yourself.
15:47All right, now, no more arguments.
15:48Everything's lovely.
15:49All right?
15:50Yes.
15:50Go ahead.
15:50Roll them out.
15:51Same thing?
15:52Same thing.
15:52Seven you win.
15:53Perhaps you lose.
15:53It's a good game.
15:54You like it, don't you?
15:54Yeah.
15:55That's the boy.
15:55Yeah, go.
15:56See the money piling up?
15:57Yeah, in my direction, too.
15:58That's right.
15:58Go ahead.
16:00Whee!
16:01Eleven.
16:02Mm-mm-mm-mm.
16:03Mm-mm-mm-mm.
16:04You never did say nothing about eleven.
16:05Oh, that's right.
16:06Well, eleven don't mean anything.
16:07No?
16:08No.
16:09Personally, I don't know why they put those numbers on the dice.
16:11I guess they had a lot of room, so they put extra dots on them.
16:13That's it.
16:14That's it.
16:15I'll tell you what we do.
16:15What?
16:16We'll call eleven intermission.
16:18Intermission.
16:18Say, that's a good name for it.
16:19But go ahead.
16:20I'll give you another chance.
16:21Intermission.
16:21Intermission.
16:22Now, I roll them out again?
16:22That's right.
16:23Can you give me another chance?
16:24Sure.
16:25You're a regular kid, Smitty.
16:26Sure, right.
16:27Go ahead.
16:27That's my pal.
16:29Go ahead.
16:29Yeah, go.
16:30That's the boy.
16:31Whee!
16:32Four.
16:33Little Joe.
16:34Little Joe, eh?
16:37I got that.
16:38Now, Smitty, I'll tell you.
16:39Don't give me that.
16:40No more slap me in the face now.
16:42Uh-huh.
16:43I don't go for that, that's all.
16:44Little Joe.
16:46Clubhouse, eh?
16:47I'll fix you in that clubhouse.
16:48Pick up those dice.
16:50Not until you say please.
16:51Pick them up.
16:51Say please.
16:52Pick them up.
16:53Well, it's a good thing you didn't say it.
16:55Now, wait a minute.
16:56Just before you roll them out.
16:57If you should roll a seven before you make that four, you'll lose.
17:00Yes, ma'am.
17:01Yes, what?
17:01Yes, sir.
17:02That's better.
17:02You've got to be one or the other.
17:03All right, never mind.
17:04Go ahead.
17:04Just roll the dice out.
17:05Don't forget, seven, you lose.
17:07Four is your point.
17:09Whee!
17:09Three, you lose.
17:10How come?
17:11Well, what did you roll the first time?
17:12Four.
17:12What did you just roll?
17:13Three.
17:13Well, four and three is what?
17:14Seven.
17:15Now, you lose.
17:15Oh, you add them up.
17:16Oh, you didn't learn that at the clubhouse, did you?
17:18You never said nothing about add them up, Smitty.
17:20All right, never mind.
17:20Now, we'll play it.
17:21Smitty's cheating.
17:22Never mind.
17:23Smitty's cheating.
17:24Now, we'll play it my way.
17:27You're going to use my money now?
17:29Why not?
17:29You've used mine long enough.
17:31Yes, sir.
17:31Come on, put it down.
17:32Okay.
17:33Put it all down.
17:33I'll put it all down.
17:34Put it all down.
17:35Can I count it?
17:36Well, count it if you want.
17:37$20 bill, another $20 bill, another $10 bill, another $20 bill.
17:40Yeah.
17:42What'd you throw out there?
17:43Somebody put a buck in here.
17:44All right.
17:45Go ahead.
17:46Here they go.
17:47Watch them.
17:48There we are, Herbie.
17:49Ha!
17:50Eleven.
17:50That's a winner.
17:51Eleven.
17:51That's a natural.
17:52See, eleven is a winner.
17:52No, no.
17:53Leave the money down.
17:53Now, wait a minute.
17:54Leave the money down, Smitty.
17:56That's a natural.
17:56That's eleven, isn't it?
17:57Yes.
17:58Intermission.
18:01I'll give you another chance.
18:02You were good to me.
18:03I'm good to you.
18:04All right.
18:04All right.
18:04Here they go.
18:06There you are.
18:06Six.
18:07Six is the point.
18:08Six.
18:08Here they go again.
18:09Watch them.
18:10There you are.
18:10Six right back.
18:11I win.
18:11Leave the money alone.
18:12Wait a minute.
18:12Wait a minute.
18:12Leave the money alone.
18:13You lose.
18:14No, I don't lose.
18:14What'd you roll the first time?
18:15Six.
18:15What did you just roll?
18:16Six.
18:16Six.
18:17Six.
18:22Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille.
18:37Act two of Buck Privates, starring Bud Abbott as Smitty and Lou Costello as Herbie.
18:42The Buck Privates, 15,000 strong, have arrived at camp.
18:53They're not an army yet, but in those straggling ranks is the raw material of a mighty fighting
18:59force.
19:00On the parade ground, Company K stands at attention as an officer passes down the line.
19:05As I said before, I'm Captain Williams' commanding offer of this company, and I'm just as new to
19:10you as you are to me.
19:11But we all have the same job ahead of us.
19:14A great many people are counting on our success.
19:17People from all walks of life who are giving to this great national defense program just
19:23as much as you or I.
19:25No one expects you to be seasoned soldiers overnight, but we're going to do everything
19:30we can to help you in every possible way.
19:33And I believe that if we all work together, that we'll make K Company a unit of which any
19:38regiment can be proud.
19:40Sergeant Callahan.
19:40Yes, sir.
19:41Appoint acting corporals and assign the men to their tent.
19:43Yes, sir.
19:44All right, men.
19:45Count off.
19:46One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
19:51All right.
19:51All right.
19:52Who's next?
19:53All right.
19:54All right.
19:55So it's me.
19:56Thirteen.
19:57Who likes a number like that?
19:59Come on, men.
20:03Come on, men.
20:07Come on.
20:07Get those bunks made up.
20:09Taps blew five minutes ago.
20:10Now get to work.
20:10Come on.
20:11That's a nice job, Parker.
20:12I never knew you made your own bed at home.
20:13I must have forgotten to tell you.
20:15Hurry up, Harvey.
20:15Make up that bed.
20:16Fine thing.
20:17Twenty-one bucks a month to be a chambermaid.
20:19Men.
20:20The new sergeant.
20:21What kind of a place is this?
20:23Clean up that mess.
20:24Hey, Smitty, that voice sounds familiar.
20:27Hey, too familiar.
20:28It's that cop, the one who was going to pinch us.
20:30Come on.
20:30Let's get out of here.
20:31Grab your stuff, quick.
20:32Well, well.
20:33Look who's here.
20:34So you two boys are in my section, eh?
20:36Not anymore.
20:37We're resigning.
20:38Come on, Harvey.
20:39There you are.
20:40Where do you think you're going?
20:42To collect my social security.
20:43You can't collect your social security until you're 65.
20:46Seeing you, I age 35 years.
20:49Put that grip down.
20:50Put it down.
20:51All right.
20:51All right.
20:52Now go over there and climb into that bunk.
20:55Sergeant.
20:55Yeah?
20:56I got a confession to make.
20:57Well?
20:58I ain't got my nightie on yet.
21:00Get in that bunk!
21:01All right!
21:03Smitty, I don't think that guy likes me.
21:06Quiet!
21:07Hey, you.
21:07What's your name?
21:08Parker.
21:09Where did you learn to make up a bunk?
21:11Military school.
21:12Why didn't you tell the first sergeant?
21:13He might have made you an acting corporal.
21:15You can have the whole army.
21:16By next week, I'll be through with it.
21:17Well, you're the one they've been talking about, eh?
21:20The dude with all the drag.
21:21That's me, Sarge.
21:22Well, drag yourself into that bunk!
21:24You got a long day ahead of you tomorrow.
21:26And everybody quiet!
21:28Stay that way.
21:30Sergeant.
21:31Yeah?
21:32Will you tell me a bedtime story?
21:34Shut up!
21:34All right!
21:36All right!
21:36All right!
21:45And this is the recreation hall.
21:47Soldiers are privileged to come to the recreation hall whenever they're off duty.
21:50You know, it's very nice of you to show me around, Miss Gray.
21:53Yes, I'm sure you'd never found it yourself, Private Parker.
21:55Oh, never.
21:57Look, Judy, I want to talk to you.
21:59How about forgetting what happened at the station?
22:01I've already forgotten it.
22:02Well, it was your own fault, you know.
22:04My fault?
22:05Certainly.
22:06You shouldn't be so beautiful.
22:07Hey, Private Parker!
22:09Yes?
22:09Private Parker!
22:10I got a message for you.
22:11Captain Williams wants to see you.
22:12Oh, that's fine.
22:13Maybe hurt from the old man.
22:14I better go, Judy.
22:15Of course.
22:16Now, you wait here.
22:16I'll be right back.
22:17Say, Herbie, who gave you that message?
22:19I happen to know that Captain Williams just left camp for the weekend.
22:22I got a message for you, too.
22:23You have?
22:24That guy over there, Bob Martin.
22:26He wants to see you.
22:26Okay, Herbie, I'll take over now.
22:28Thanks, pal.
22:29Say, what is this?
22:30You may not know it, but you've just been rescued.
22:32I've what?
22:33Mm-hmm.
22:33The captain doesn't want to see Parker, but I want to see you.
22:36Oh, the old army gamer.
22:38Come on outside, Judy.
22:39I want to show you the more.
22:40All right, Bob, but I've got to come right back.
22:42Oh, boy.
22:43I feel just like Cupid.
22:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:47Oh, there you are.
22:51How are you, Herbie, old boy?
22:52How are you, Smitty?
22:53How are you doing?
22:54I'm doing pretty good.
22:55You know, you're looking great, fella.
22:56You know, I was just standing over there thinking, now there's a real soldier.
23:00Yes, Herbie, you are.
23:02Really, Herbie.
23:02You look swell and uniform.
23:03You know I'm proud to be your friend.
23:04You can stop right there.
23:05I ain't got a penny.
23:06No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Herbie.
23:08Every time you talk like that, it's going to cost me something.
23:09Now, wait a minute, Herbie.
23:10I didn't ask you for any money.
23:12I know, but you got that look in your eye.
23:15No, no, no, no.
23:16Now, did I ask you for any money?
23:17Now, listen, you cleaned me up in that crap game, didn't you?
23:20You gave me a lesson, that's all I know.
23:21Now, by the way, will you do me a favor?
23:23Here it comes.
23:24I know it.
23:25What is it?
23:25Herbie, I'm broke.
23:27You'll blow me a few bucks, will you?
23:28How many bucks is a few bucks?
23:30Very little.
23:31All I need is $50.
23:32$50?
23:33Mm-hmm.
23:33Smitty, I can't lend you $50.
23:35Oh, yes, you can.
23:35No, I can't.
23:36All I got is $40.
23:37All right, give me the $40.
23:39Okay, here.
23:40Fine.
23:41Now, you owe me $10.
23:42Okay, I owe you $10.
23:43Mm-hmm.
23:43All right.
23:44Wait a minute.
23:45Smitty, how come I owe you $10?
23:47Well, what did I ask you for?
23:48You asked me for $50.
23:50And how much did you give me?
23:51And I gave you $40.
23:53So, you owe me $10.
23:54Excuse me.
23:55That's right.
23:55That's okay.
23:57Why, you owe me $40!
23:58No, no, no, no.
23:59Don't change the subject.
24:00I'm not changing the subject.
24:01You're trying to change my finances.
24:03Come on now, Smitty.
24:03Give me back my $40.
24:04No, right here.
24:05Take it.
24:06There's your $40.
24:07Now, give me the $10 you owe me.
24:09Okay, here.
24:10I'm paying you on account.
24:11On account?
24:12On account?
24:13I don't know how I come to owe it to you.
24:14Oh!
24:15Well, if that's the way you feel about it, that's the last time I'll ever ask you for the loan of $50.
24:20Just a minute, Smitty.
24:21Don't get sore at me, will you?
24:22Why not?
24:23How can I lend you $50 now?
24:25All I got is $30.
24:27Well, give me the $30 and you'll owe me $20.
24:31This is getting worse all the time.
24:32What do you mean?
24:33First I owe you $10.
24:34Now I owe you $20.
24:35Why do you run yourself into debt?
24:37I'm not running in.
24:38You're pushing me.
24:41I can't help it if you can't handle your finances.
24:44I do all right with my money.
24:45You're doing all right with mine, too.
24:46Now, wait just a minute.
24:48Now, look.
24:48I asked you for the loan of $50 and you gave me $30.
24:50So you owe me $20.
24:51$20 and $30 is $50.
24:53No, no, no.
24:55$25 and $25 is $50.
24:57All right, all right.
24:58Here's your $30.
24:59Now, give me back the $20 you owe me.
25:01I don't know.
25:02Something's wrong.
25:02I don't know what it is, but something's screwy.
25:04You're a fine guy.
25:06I don't want my pal $50.
25:07How can I lend you $50?
25:08All I got now is $10.
25:09Well, listen.
25:10To show you that I'm your pal, do you want to double that money?
25:14Goodbye, Smitty.
25:14I'll see you around.
25:14Now, listen.
25:15Go on.
25:16Go on.
25:16I'll see you some other time.
25:16Go on.
25:17Now, wait a minute.
25:17Wait a minute.
25:17I don't want that kind of money.
25:18Only up and up with me all the time.
25:20You know that.
25:20Now, look.
25:21Take a number.
25:22Any number at all from 1 to 10.
25:23And don't tell me.
25:25I got it.
25:26Is the number odd or even?
25:27What's 3?
25:28Now, don't tell me.
25:29Oh, I told him.
25:29I told him.
25:30I'm not supposed to tell you.
25:31And I told you.
25:32See, I don't want that kind of money.
25:32Am I truthful?
25:33I don't want that kind of money.
25:34Am I truthful?
25:35That's right.
25:35I don't want that kind of money.
25:36I shouldn't tell him.
25:36No.
25:37I'm truthful, though.
25:38I know, but I'd be cheating you that way.
25:40Yeah.
25:40Now, come on.
25:40Let's start all over again.
25:41Let's start all over again.
25:42Now, take a number.
25:42I got it.
25:43Now, is the number odd or even?
25:44Even.
25:45Ah.
25:45Is the number between 1 and 3?
25:47No.
25:48Between 3 and 5?
25:50I think I got him.
25:52Is the number between 5 and 7?
25:55Yeah.
25:55Number 6?
25:56Right.
25:56All right.
25:57I win.
25:57Give me the 10.
25:58Thanks.
25:58Kirby, old boy.
25:59Thanks a lot, Debbie.
26:00How did he do that?
26:08Come in, Parker.
26:10You're not here to see Captain Williams again, are you?
26:12No, sir.
26:12I'm supposed to see the general this time.
26:15Just a minute.
26:17Private Parker's here, sir.
26:19Oh, yes.
26:19Send him in.
26:23Private Parker reporting, sir.
26:24At ease.
26:26Well, Parker, I believe you know this gentleman here.
26:28I believe so.
26:29Hello, Dad.
26:30How are you, my boy?
26:31Well, let me see you.
26:32Well, you're looking better than your letters indicated.
26:35I feel fine.
26:36I thought you'd forgotten about me, Dad.
26:38Did you fix everything up in Washington?
26:39Well, I had a little difficulty, but everything is arranged.
26:42Oh, that's fine.
26:43Why don't you take a look around the grounds while I get out of my uniform?
26:46I can't, son.
26:47Why not?
26:48Because I have to return to Washington at once.
26:50And because you're not getting out of that uniform.
26:52But you just said that you...
26:53And I just fixed everything up.
26:55Well, I have.
26:56Parker, it seems that your father has a little more respect for army life and army institutions
27:01than you have.
27:01If you...
27:02Excuse me, sir.
27:03I don't understand all this.
27:04It's not very difficult, Randy.
27:06This camp may be short of a sport roasters and chorus girls, but it's excellently equipped
27:10to make a man out of a playboy.
27:12You're going to stay here and put in your time.
27:15And you're going to like it.
27:16One, two.
27:25One, two.
27:26One, two.
27:27One, two.
27:28Detail.
27:29Halt.
27:29Well, men, in all my experience, you are the six dumbest rookies I've ever had the misfortune
27:36of grilling.
27:37Oh, gee.
27:38Thanks, Sarge.
27:39Quiet!
27:40Who, me?
27:40Step out here, yes, you.
27:43Listen, how can you be so stupid?
27:46I don't know.
27:46It just comes to me natural.
27:49Well, there's something else coming to you, and I'm going to see that you get it.
27:52Private Smith?
27:53Right here, Sergeant.
27:54Smith, you seem to know what this is all about.
27:55I want you to take these men and work with them all day and see if you can work some sense
27:59into them.
28:00I'm exhausted!
28:01Yes, sir.
28:02Oh, boy.
28:03Hi, Smitty.
28:04You're going to be the captain, huh?
28:05Detail.
28:06Attention.
28:06It's all right, fellas.
28:07Don't get nervous.
28:08He's my pal.
28:09Anything I want to do, it's okay with me.
28:10You?
28:11Wipe that smile off your face.
28:14Are you kidding?
28:15Attention, you.
28:16Look, pal.
28:17It's me, Fat Herbie.
28:18Quiet!
28:20One more word out of you, and I'll slam you into the jug.
28:23Okay.
28:24Go ahead, Smitty.
28:24You want to be a big man?
28:25You want to be the captain?
28:26Shut up.
28:26Go ahead.
28:26You're the captain.
28:27You're the general.
28:28What are you doing?
28:28You're the commander.
28:29I'm promoting you in a hurry.
28:30What are you doing?
28:31What am I doing?
28:32What are you doing?
28:32I'm talking to myself.
28:33I don't talk so loud.
28:34Well, I've got to hear what I've got to say.
28:35Quiet!
28:37Count off.
28:38One, two, three.
28:39Bingo!
28:40Stop it!
28:40You behave yourself.
28:42You understand?
28:43I won't warn you again.
28:44Now, get your chin up.
28:45Get it up!
28:46All right, don't hit it.
28:47It's getting up.
28:47Get it up!
28:48Don't hit it.
28:48What are you hitting me under the chin for?
28:50I'll do as I want.
28:51Throw out your chest.
28:52Huh?
28:53Throw out your chest.
28:54Yeah, well...
28:55Throw it out!
28:56Get it out.
28:57Way out.
28:57Way out.
28:59Way out.
28:59Throw it out.
29:00I'm not through with it yet.
29:01Quiet!
29:02What kind of talk do you give me here?
29:06You just keep quiet.
29:07I'll do the talking.
29:08Go ahead.
29:09You do the talking.
29:09Go ahead.
29:09That's right.
29:10Hey, report me.
29:11Go ahead.
29:12Never mind that.
29:12Put me in a brig.
29:13I don't care.
29:13I'll put you someplace.
29:15Right shoulder.
29:17Arms!
29:18I said right shoulder arms.
29:20That's your left shoulder.
29:22I'm left in it.
29:22Get it over there.
29:23It feels better over here.
29:25Get it over there.
29:27Never saw such a temper on a guy.
29:29Big man.
29:30Quiet.
29:30Okay, it's over there.
29:31Keep quiet.
29:32It's over there.
29:32I put it on the other side.
29:33Now, keep it over there.
29:33What difference does that make what side you put it on?
29:35Leave it over there.
29:36The bullets are going to come out the same way.
29:37Never mind that.
29:38What I know about a gun anyway.
29:39You were told.
29:40I don't know anything about a gun.
29:40You were told how to handle a gun.
29:42Gives me a gun.
29:43He says, go ahead, shoot at Will.
29:44That's all you have to do.
29:45Three million guys on the other side.
29:47I've got to pick out a guy named Will.
29:48Never mind.
29:49Never mind.
29:53Why don't you give me a gun like that Sergeant Collins has got?
29:56What do you mean?
29:57He's got a nice gun.
29:59Shoots bullets for three miles and throws rocks.
30:01The rest of the way.
30:02You just...
30:03Detail.
30:06Left shoulder arms.
30:07Right shoulder arms.
30:08Left shoulder arms.
30:09Right shoulder arms.
30:09Left shoulder arms.
30:10Right shoulder arms.
30:10All right.
30:11All right.
30:11All right.
30:12Make up your mind.
30:14I'm going home.
30:15Come back here.
30:15I forgot something.
30:16I'm going home.
30:17What did you forget?
30:17I forgot to stay there.
30:18Never mind that.
30:20Get with it.
30:20Right shoulder arms.
30:21Left shoulder arms.
30:22Right shoulder arms.
30:22Left shoulder arms.
30:23Quiet.
30:23Quiet.
30:23Right shoulder arms.
30:24Left shoulder arms.
30:25Do it as you're told.
30:26What do you think I'm toting here on machine guns?
30:27Quiet.
30:28Brr.
30:28Brr.
30:29Brr.
30:29Brr.
30:30It's discouraging.
30:31Quiet.
30:32Present.
30:34Arm.
30:35Okay.
30:35Take it.
30:37What do you think you're doing?
30:38I'm presenting it to you.
30:40I don't want it.
30:41Go on.
30:41Take it.
30:42I don't want it.
30:42You asked for it.
30:43No, I didn't ask for it.
30:44Well, then I don't want it either.
30:45Throw it down.
30:45Pick up that gun.
30:46Take that gun up.
30:47Pick it up.
30:48Not until I get ready.
30:49Pick that gun up.
30:50I said not until I get ready.
30:52And I said pick that gun up.
30:56I think I'm ready.
30:57I think you are.
31:00Then stop pointing that gun at your temple.
31:03Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
31:05Why not?
31:05It ain't loaded.
31:06Look.
31:07See?
31:08Burby, take that gun away from your temple.
31:09Too many.
31:10You scared?
31:10It ain't loaded.
31:11Look.
31:12Burby, drop that gun.
31:14Okay.
31:16Burby.
31:16Burby.
31:17Burby.
31:18Don't faint.
31:19Don't faint, Burby.
31:20It's too late.
31:27Hello, Judy.
31:28Oh, hello, Private Parker.
31:30You going my way?
31:31Thanks.
31:31No, I'm waiting here for someone.
31:32Oh.
31:33Well, if you're waiting for Private Martin, I'm afraid he won't be able to keep his date with you.
31:37Oh.
31:37Oh, I think I understand.
31:39The captain wanted to see him?
31:41Not exactly.
31:42He's shooting with the company rifle team, and they're having some sort of a contest.
31:44Oh, yes.
31:45I heard.
31:46With those boys from Tennessee.
31:47But I thought you were the star of the team.
31:49Well, I wasn't until this morning, and then the strangest thing happened.
31:52My wrist.
31:53I could hardly move it.
31:54I told Captain Williams about it, and he replaced me with the sixth man on the score sheet.
31:57Oh, and Bob was the sixth man, of course.
32:00Of course.
32:02Well, how does your wrist feel now?
32:03Why, it's much better, thanks.
32:05In fact, it's completely cured.
32:06In other words, you walked out on your teammates just to chisel a date with me, is that it?
32:10Well, you're a lot more attractive than a target.
32:12I think you ought to know something, Mr. Parker.
32:14I don't think it will matter to you, but the men you sold out bet every cent they had on
32:18the team.
32:19That means on you.
32:20They did?
32:21They never mentioned it to me.
32:22They...
32:23All right.
32:24I'll make their losses good.
32:26With what?
32:27Money?
32:27What else can I do?
32:28It's just that easy for you, isn't it?
32:30Well, I'll tell you one thing.
32:31There's no price tag on loyalty or friendship.
32:33I didn't ask for this uniform.
32:34Why should I take it seriously?
32:35After what you did today, the only friend you'll have in camp is a guy that looks at
32:39you out of the mirror.
32:40And if he had any sense, he'd keep as far away from you as I'm going.
32:43Wait a minute.
32:44Judy, wait.
32:48We'd have won if Parker had shown up.
32:49Yeah, that gag about hurting his hand, that was a hot one.
32:52Cost me every nickel I had.
32:53I'd bet ten bucks on that guy.
32:55Let me see.
32:55Ten out of twenty-one?
32:56I ain't going to get rich that way.
32:58Hello, fellas.
33:00I'm sorry we lost the rifle match.
33:02What do you mean, we?
33:03I want to make your losses good.
33:04Just tell me how much you dropped.
33:06I think I'll take a walk.
33:07There's a strange smell around here.
33:09Oh, wait a minute.
33:09I said I was sorry.
33:10What do you want me to do, backflips?
33:11Yeah, wise guy.
33:12And we're just the boys who can flip.
33:13Don't you suck him, Harry.
33:14I had that pleasure myself once, and I'd like another crack at him now.
33:17All right, Martin.
33:18Let's go.
33:19Go on.
33:19Go get him.
33:20Oh, wait.
33:20Don't fight.
33:21Don't fight now.
33:22No, stop.
33:23I don't want to see anybody get hurt.
33:24Now, don't interfere, Herbie.
33:25I got to interfere, Smitty.
33:26Somebody's going to get hurt.
33:27Stop it.
33:28Will you fall out before somebody gets hurt?
33:30Oh.
33:31Oh.
33:31I'm sorry, Herbie.
33:33There.
33:33You see?
33:34He got me.
33:35He sucked me right in the eye.
33:37I told you not to interfere.
33:38Look out, fellas.
33:39Here comes the sergeant.
33:40What's going on in there?
33:41Hey, boys, cut it out.
33:42The sergeant.
33:43Jiggers.
33:43Jiggers.
33:43The sergeant.
33:44What is this?
33:45What's the matter in here?
33:46Nothing at all, Sarge.
33:47Nobody was fighting in here, honest.
33:48Now?
33:49Then how'd you get that black eye?
33:51What black eye?
33:52Have I got a black eye?
33:53Listen, you.
33:54I don't know what's going on in here, but I'll bet you are in the middle of it.
33:58You said it.
34:00Well, cut it out, see, or you'll find yourself on KP.
34:02Now, I want it quiet in here.
34:04I don't want to hear another peep out of you guys, or there's going to be trouble.
34:09What an army.
34:11What a sergeant.
34:12Give me liberty or give me death.
34:15Benjamin Franklin or vice versa.
34:18I'm getting sick of it, Smitty.
34:19All right, all right, all right.
34:20I don't know why he's always picking on me.
34:22Don't, don't feel so bad, please.
34:23That guy sucked me right in the eye.
34:25Well, it's your own fault.
34:26Not around it, mind you.
34:27Right in it.
34:27I know it.
34:28Here, Herbie.
34:29You can listen to my radio.
34:31Thanks, Smitty.
34:31It's all right.
34:32You're the only friend I got around here.
34:36Who's doing that?
34:37Who's playing that radio?
34:39Nobody.
34:39It's playing by itself.
34:40Well, turn it off.
34:42Turn it off!
34:43All right!
34:43The men have to get up at 5.45 in the morning.
34:46Now, keep it quiet in here.
34:47See, Smitty?
34:49See what I mean?
34:50Go on and play the radio.
34:51Now, wait a minute.
34:52You heard what the guy said.
34:53He said, keep it quiet.
34:54Don't play the radio.
34:55Oh, what are you worrying about?
34:57He's only the sergeant.
34:58What's the matter?
34:58You scared of him?
34:59No.
35:00Go on, play the radio all you like.
35:01Play it loud.
35:02Okay.
35:02What did I just tell you?
35:08Didn't I tell you that the men were sleeping?
35:10Didn't I tell you they've got to get up at 5.45 in the morning?
35:12Now, don't play it.
35:14Okay.
35:15Is there any more noise in here?
35:17I'm going to get good and sore.
35:19Now, quiet.
35:22Go on and play the radio.
35:23Smitty, the man said, don't play it in parentheses, he said it.
35:29Go on.
35:30Go on.
35:31Play the radio.
35:32Listen, you're an American citizen, aren't you?
35:34Yes, sir.
35:34And this is a free country, isn't it?
35:36Sure.
35:37And what are you worrying about?
35:38Go on and play the radio.
35:39If he comes in here again, I'll tell him off.
35:41You will?
35:42Sure, I will.
35:43Don't forget now.
35:44Tell him off.
35:45You just leave it to me.
35:48Shut that thing off.
35:50Shut it off.
35:52Listen, you.
35:52Go ahead, Smitty.
35:53Didn't I tell you not to play that thing?
35:55Didn't I tell you that the men were asleep?
35:57Smitty, what are you going to tell him?
35:58Shut up and you listen to me.
36:00Wait a minute, Sarge.
36:00My friend's got something to tell you.
36:01Smitty.
36:02He ain't going to tell me anything.
36:03He's asleep.
36:04Asleep?
36:05Smitty.
36:06Smitty, wake up.
36:07Don't go to sleep with me in a time like this.
36:09Smitty.
36:10Leave him alone.
36:12Okay.
36:13Now, look, you.
36:14I'm going to give you one more chance.
36:16But don't get funny, see?
36:18All right.
36:18One more crack out of you, and I'll shake you up like a terrier shakes a rat.
36:23Yeah?
36:24I'd like to see you do it.
36:25Oh, you...
36:26That wasn't me!
36:27That wasn't me!
36:28I didn't say a thing, brother!
36:30I heard you.
36:31You said you'd like to see me do it.
36:32I didn't say that.
36:33No, I didn't.
36:33Well, who said it, then?
36:34Who said it?
36:36Smitty, wake up.
36:37Will you wake up?
36:38Leave him alone.
36:39Mr. Sarge, he wants a tight or something.
36:41Shut up.
36:41Smitty!
36:45Stay quiet with that whimpering.
36:47Now, look, you.
36:48Close your mouth.
36:49I can't.
36:52I'm getting very annoyed with you.
36:55Why don't you behave?
36:58Why don't you be quiet like your buddy here?
37:01Yeah.
37:01He's quiet, all right.
37:03But he talks in his sleep.
37:05Now, remember, don't open your mouth, because if you do, I'm going to close it for you.
37:11Now, this is your last chance, buddy.
37:13All right.
37:14One more wise remark, and I'll punch you right in the nose.
37:17I'd like to see you do it.
37:18Oh, no, no!
37:20Why don't you say it?
37:21That wasn't me!
37:22I heard you say it.
37:23Let it go!
37:24Let it go!
37:25Smitty!
37:27Smitty!
37:28Let me go!
37:29Let me go!
37:29We pause now for station identification.
37:42This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
37:59In just a moment, Mr. DeMille will bring our stars, Bud Abbott and Luke Costello, back to the microphone for Act Three of Buck Privates.
38:11Now, Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone.
38:13Curtain rises on the third act of Buck Privates.
38:22Several weeks have gone by, and the boys from Company K are rounding into form.
38:25The sergeant says that some of them are born soldiers, but the two of them never should have been born at all.
38:32He refers, of course, to Herbie and Smitty.
38:34Now, in the recreation hall, there's a boxing match about to begin.
38:38Our two Buck Privates are in the front row.
38:44Just a minute, men.
38:46In the next match, Private Bill McGuire of L Company challenges any man, particularly any man from Company K.
38:54Wait a minute, just a minute.
38:57All right, men of Company K, are we going to let him get away with that?
39:01No.
39:02Are we?
39:03Certainly not.
39:04Somebody from our company should volunteer to fight him.
39:06Atta boy, Herbie.
39:09All right, boys.
39:10Okay, we've got our volunteer.
39:12Let's go.
39:12Wait a minute, wait a minute.
39:14What volunteer?
39:15Who volunteered?
39:15Why, you did, Herbie.
39:16That was only a suggestion.
39:18Come on, come on.
39:19Take off your shirt.
39:19Wait a minute, Smitty, stop.
39:21I don't want to fight that fella.
39:22I ain't even mad at him.
39:22You mean to say you're scared of that little guy over there?
39:25I mean to tell you that I am.
39:26Don't be silly.
39:27Here he comes now.
39:27Look at him.
39:28Oh, hello, soldier.
39:30Hey, who are you?
39:32I'm the fella you're going to fight.
39:34May the best man win, old man.
39:36Smitty.
39:36So long, sir.
39:37Is that the guy?
39:38That's the guy.
39:39How much does he weigh?
39:39Oh, 118.
39:41118?
39:41Yeah.
39:42Let me at him.
39:44At him, boy.
39:45I'll murder the brochure.
39:46Sure you will.
39:47Hey, Smitty.
39:47What?
39:47I can picture myself now.
39:49The whole place is crowded.
39:50Yes.
39:50I'm coming down the aisle.
39:51I jump in the ring.
39:52That a boy.
39:52I throw off my robe.
39:53Yes.
39:53And the whole crowd lets out a terrific roar.
39:55Well, what happened?
39:56I forgot to put on my pants.
39:58We've got time for crunks.
40:00Sit down in this corner.
40:01Let me at him, will you?
40:01Now, listen, kid.
40:02When you get out there in the ring, when you get him out there alone, you understand?
40:05Give him that old one, three.
40:06One, three.
40:07One, three.
40:08Yeah.
40:08What happened to two?
40:09Two you get.
40:09That's what I was afraid of.
40:12And there's been a little change.
40:15A change, he says.
40:16Private McGuire's been taken sick.
40:18We're going to substitute Roaring Bill McGonagall, former contender for the heavyweight championship
40:24of the world.
40:26Let me out of here.
40:28Get me out of here.
40:30Sit down.
40:31Sit down.
40:31Smitty, don't hold on.
40:32Let go.
40:32Stop it.
40:33You can't run now.
40:35Just give me a chance and watch me.
40:36Now, listen.
40:36You're staying right here now.
40:37Quiet.
40:38All right, Herbie.
40:39Step up here.
40:40I'm referee in this bout.
40:41Oh, that's fine.
40:42McGonagall, come here.
40:44Where's the guy I'm going to work?
40:45Let me out of here.
40:48I'll bust him in little pieces.
40:50This is the guy right here.
40:51Him?
40:59Hey, Smitty.
41:01I'm getting out of here before they take me away in a white wagon.
41:03You mean an ambulance?
41:04I don't mean the good humor man.
41:07All right, boys.
41:08You know the rules.
41:09No holding any clinches.
41:10Break clean and no hitting below the belt.
41:11You mean I can't hit him like that?
41:14Ow.
41:14Ow, ow, ow.
41:16No, no.
41:16You can't hit him like that.
41:18And you cannot do this either.
41:20Ow.
41:21Ow.
41:21Oh, but I can do this.
41:24Can I?
41:24Ow.
41:25They're killing me, Smitty.
41:26Yeah, all right.
41:27But you cannot do this.
41:29Ow.
41:30Ow.
41:30Ow.
41:31Ow.
41:32All right, now.
41:33Shake hands, boys.
41:34I don't have to.
41:35My hands are shaking already.
41:37Now go back to your corners and come out fighting.
41:39Now go ahead.
41:43Go right after him, Herbie.
41:44Stop the fight.
41:45Stop the fight.
41:46Well, what's the matter?
41:47I'm winded.
41:48Get in there and fight.
41:50Herbie.
41:52Herbie.
41:53Herbie, why don't you stop some of those punches?
41:55You don't see any of them getting by, do you?
41:58Hey, Smitty.
41:59Come on.
42:00This guy is yellow.
42:01What's the matter?
42:02He won't come down on the floor and fight like a man.
42:04Get up.
42:04Come on.
42:05Get up and fight.
42:05You can't lose.
42:06You've got a horseshoe in your glove.
42:08Then that guy must have the rest of the horse in his.
42:13Oh.
42:14One.
42:16Two.
42:16Three.
42:29Herbie.
42:31Herbie.
42:32Oh.
42:32Herbie, old fellow.
42:33Wake up, pal.
42:33Wake up.
42:34Oh.
42:35Come on.
42:35Wake up, Herbie.
42:36Wake up.
42:37That's the boy.
42:38Is it over?
42:39Hmm.
42:39It's all over, pal.
42:41You know something?
42:42I hear birds singing.
42:43Well, sure.
42:44It's morning, pal.
42:45Oh, morning?
42:46Mm-hmm.
42:46What morning?
42:47Tuesday.
42:48What day was the fight?
42:49Friday.
42:50Friday?
42:51Mm-hmm.
42:51I had a long rest, didn't I?
42:56Everybody out.
42:57Roll out.
42:58Come on, Herbie.
42:59On your feet.
43:00Company K, full marching order in 15 minutes.
43:03Yes, sir.
43:04Company K, full marching order in 15 minutes.
43:07Hey, what goes on?
43:08I'm going on maneuver.
43:09What's maneuver?
43:09It's like a sham battle.
43:10A sham battle.
43:11I should have stayed in bed.
43:20Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience.
43:22This is Terry Masson, speaking to you directly from the central observation point for the most
43:27extensive army maneuvers ever attempted by the United States in peacetime.
43:31From my post, I can see several miles of the battlefield.
43:34I'm looking through my glasses now towards Skyleton Cliff, one of the points of defense for the
43:38Blue Army.
43:39It's a huge hill of granite with only one possible means of approach, the west side.
43:44The other sides are sheer drops of 100 to 200 feet.
43:48It's a neat problem for the Red Army.
43:49Come on, Harvey.
43:58Keep walking.
43:59Hey, I can't walk no further, Smitty.
44:01My feet are killing me.
44:02No wonder.
44:03You've got two left shoes on.
44:05Is that wrong?
44:05Oh, certainly.
44:07Why, you're dumb.
44:08I don't know what's wrong with you, Smitty.
44:10You certainly are dumb.
44:11And to prove to you how dumb you really are, suppose you had $10 in one pan's pocket and
44:15$5 in the other pan's pocket.
44:17What would you have?
44:18The captain's pants on.
44:19No.
44:20Silly answers.
44:21Ask me something with a little sense to it.
44:23Will you answer it?
44:23Yeah.
44:24All right, look.
44:25All right, say you're 40 years old.
44:27You're 40 years old and you're in love with a little girl, say, 10 years old.
44:30This one's going to be a pimp.
44:31Now, wait till I finish it.
44:32Now, I'm going around with a 10-year-old girl.
44:33Well, wait a minute.
44:34You've got a good idea where I'm going to wind up.
44:36Now, just a minute.
44:36Just a minute.
44:37Look.
44:37You're 40 years old and you're in love with this little girl, 10 years old.
44:40Now, you're four times as old as the girl.
44:42You couldn't marry her, could you?
44:43Not unless I come from the mountain, Dallas.
44:46You're 40.
44:47She's 10.
44:47You're four times as old as the girl.
44:49So, you wait five years.
44:51Now, the little girl is 15.
44:52You're 45.
44:53Now, you're only three times as old as that little girl.
44:55So, you wait 15 years more.
44:56Now, the little girl is 30.
44:58Now, you're 60.
44:59Now, you're only twice as old as that little girl.
45:00She's catching up.
45:01Yes.
45:02Now, here's the question.
45:03How long do you have to wait before you and that little girl become the same age?
45:06Now, wait a minute, Smitty.
45:07That whole thing is ridiculous.
45:08Nothing ridiculous.
45:08If I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me up.
45:10What do you mean?
45:11She'll wind up older than I am.
45:12What are you talking about?
45:12And she'll have to wait for me.
45:13Why should she wait for you?
45:14I was nice enough to wait for her!
45:23Herbie, Smitty, come on.
45:25Hiya, Randy.
45:26What's cooking?
45:26Listen, you fellas have got to help me.
45:28Bob Martin's up on Skylerton Cliff.
45:29What's he doing up there?
45:30He tried to climb up and pull a surprise attack on the Blue Army.
45:32He got halfway up and slipped.
45:33Wait a minute.
45:33Don't tell me.
45:33I can't stand it.
45:34No, he's all right, but he twisted his leg or something.
45:36He's stuck on a ledge up there.
45:37Well, what are you going to do?
45:38I'm going to climb up to the ledge of the rope, but I'll need some help.
45:40Somebody's got to climb up with me.
45:42Now, who's it going to be?
45:43Who's it going to be, Herbie?
45:44Well, here we go again!
45:56Almost done, Martin.
45:58Can you hold on a little longer?
45:59Sure.
46:00Smitty!
46:01I'm right down here.
46:03Come on, you're doing fine.
46:04Hey, Herbie!
46:05Hold onto that rope up there.
46:07I got it!
46:08Watch it, Smitty.
46:09Smitty.
46:09Well, we made it.
46:14Martin, are you all right?
46:16Sure.
46:17I'm fine.
46:17Come on.
46:18I'll get you back to camp.
46:19You just about saved my life, mister.
46:21Forget it.
46:21We're in the army, aren't we?
46:23Anyway, I didn't want to see you miss that date with Judy.
46:25Well, maybe we ought to keep it together, huh?
46:27Thanks.
46:28Come on.
46:28Let's go.
46:29Hey, Smitty!
46:30Watch out for the rope!
46:31Hey!
46:32What are you doing up there?
46:33I'm throwing the rope down.
46:34Look out!
46:35No, no, no, no, no.
46:36Wait, wait.
46:36Don't throw that rope.
46:37Look out below.
46:38Love, listen, you dope.
46:40How do you expect to get down without the rope?
46:42I never give it a thought.
46:43Smitty!
46:44Get out!
46:45Get out!
46:46Kirby.
46:47Kirby.
46:47How did you get up in that tree?
46:49How did I get up in the tree?
46:51I sat on it when it was an acorn.
46:53I sat on it when it was an acorn.
47:02Look, boys, here's Randy Parker.
47:05Hello, Randy.
47:05Hello.
47:06Come on, I'll buy you a soda.
47:07Soda nothing?
47:08I'll buy you a man's drink.
47:09A double molting.
47:11I thought you guys were broke.
47:12Broke?
47:13Hey, does this look like we're broke?
47:14Look at all that dough.
47:15Oh, where'd you get it?
47:16Well, we just about busted the blue army at 10 to 1.
47:18Hey, Randy, when are you getting out of the army?
47:20Oh, I thought I'd change my mind about that.
47:22I'll get out when my time's up.
47:24That's the stuff.
47:24Hello, Randy.
47:25Oh, hello, Judy.
47:26I've been hearing things about you from Bob.
47:29May I have this dance, soldier?
47:30May you have this what are we waiting for?
47:34Come on.
47:35Very nice guy, that Randy.
47:36Yeah, you know, that's really something,
47:37overcoming the handicap of being a millionaire.
47:39Gee, Smitty, I wish I was handicapped like that.
47:42Well, well, boys, how are you?
47:44Say, did I clean out the blue army?
47:46Look at the dough I have, fellas.
47:47Hey, that's not bad, Sarge.
47:49Go on, Herbie.
47:50Show them what we won.
47:51Yeah.
47:52Hey, Sergeant, look what we won.
47:53Well, that's quite a roll, too.
47:55Say, Herbie, tell me, did you ever shoot dice?
47:59Dice?
48:00Yeah, dice.
48:02But you know, it's a little game.
48:04No kidding.
48:05Yeah.
48:05Would you like to step outside with me for a minute?
48:08Thank you, Sarge.
48:09I would be very happy to accept your most cordial invitation.
48:13Herbie, how can you do it?
48:15Ha, ha, ha, ha.
48:16I'm a bad boy.
48:19In just a moment, our stars will return for their curtain call.
48:35Now, here's Mr. DeMille with our stars.
48:40Company, attention.
48:43Privates Abbott and Costello.
48:44Step forward for a curtain call.
48:46Gentlemen, you gave a distinguished performance.
48:49Distinguish.
48:50Now, wait.
48:51Now, no, no, no, no.
48:52Abbott.
48:53What kind of talk is that?
48:54Now, now, now, wait a minute.
48:55Is that French or something?
48:55Now, now, now, now, no.
48:57Mr. DeMille means you were great.
48:59You were terrific.
49:00Colossal, stupendous.
49:01Only fair, huh?
49:02I, no.
49:04Oh, no, Lou.
49:05Tonight you take your place in the Lux Radio Theater
49:08beside such artists as Irene Dunn, William Powell,
49:11Myrna Loy, Ronald Coleman, and Hedy Lamarr.
49:14I take my place beside them?
49:16That's what he said.
49:17Right next to Ronald Coleman.
49:19You can be next to Ronald Coleman.
49:21I want to be next to Hedy Lamarr.
49:25Lamarr.
49:25All right, all right.
49:26Lou, Lou, please.
49:28Remember, you must be dignified.
49:29Now that you're a great actor.
49:31I beg your pardon?
49:32I am sorry.
49:33Woo!
49:34Get the pork on me.
49:35Woo!
49:36You should be sorry.
49:38I'm a bad boy.
49:40I'll never win the Academy Award.
49:42Of course not.
49:43I'm answering for you, Abbott.
49:44Of course not.
49:54The Academy Award.
49:56The Academy Award usually goes to a great dramatic performance, Lou.
50:00You're a buffoon.
50:01Now listen here, kid.
50:02No more cracks like that.
50:03Now wait a minute.
50:05After all, Mr. DeMille, I don't go to that kind of stuff.
50:07Now wait a minute.
50:08You don't see me.
50:08I may be a little chubby, but I'm no buffalo.
50:10Now wait a minute.
50:11What do you mean?
50:13But the kid made a remark.
50:14He told me I'm a buffalo.
50:15Oh, he did nothing of the kind.
50:17He said a buffoon.
50:18He means you're funny.
50:19Comical.
50:20I'm afraid he's impossible.
50:22I wash my hands with him.
50:24I knew he'd get Lux in here somewhere.
50:28You win, Lou.
50:30By the way, what are you fellas doing next Monday night?
50:33Why, not a thing, Mr. DeMille.
50:35But don't you think it's a little too soon to...
50:38Now, now, wait a minute.
50:38We have a fine play scheduled for next week.
50:41It's Blood and Sand.
50:43One of the screen's great love stories.
50:46You remember the 20th Century Fox picture with Tyrone Power
50:49and all the exciting scenes he played in the arena
50:51after he became the greatest bullfighter in Spain?
50:55You're sure you fellas aren't busy?
50:56No, but what I want to know is
50:58which one of us plays the part of the bullfighter.
51:00Now, now, wait a minute.
51:02You thought I wanted you to act next week.
51:04No, gentlemen.
51:05I was just going to urge you not to miss the play
51:07because our stars will be Tyrone Power and Annabella.
51:13Oh.
51:13Oh.
51:15But, Mr. DeMille,
51:16if anything should happen to Tyrone Power,
51:18you know where to reach me, don't you, brother?
51:22Oh, brother.
51:24Good night, folks.
51:26Good night.
51:32You tell Tyrone Power you're available.
51:39Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes,
51:42join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night
51:45when the Lux Radio Theater presents Tyrone Power and Annabella
51:49in Blood and Sand.
51:52This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you
51:54from Hollywood.
51:59Ladies and gentlemen,
52:00have you heard about Gracie Allen's new radio program?
52:03Well, then listen to this open letter from Gracie herself.
52:06Dear everybody,
52:07George and I just love open letters.
52:09They're so nice and airy.
52:10We love all kinds of open things,
52:12like the big open spaces all over the West,
52:14especially Paul Whiteman's West,
52:16the West he wears when he conducts the orchestra on a new show.
52:19Besides Paul,
52:20we've got Bill Goodwin,
52:21Senior Lee,
52:22and Jimmy Cash.
52:23So open up your loudspeaker,
52:24won't you,
52:25and let us in with our new show?
52:27Signed,
52:28Gracie.
52:28Yes,
52:29be sure to listen to the new program
52:31starring George Burns and Gracie Allen
52:33tomorrow night,
52:34Tuesday.
52:35See your newspaper for time and station.
52:38Bud Abbott,
52:38and Lou Costello
52:39appeared tonight
52:40through the courtesy of Chasen Sandburn.
52:42They will soon be seen
52:43in the new universal picture,
52:45Keepin' Flying.
52:47Our music was directed by Louis Silvers,
52:49and your announcer
52:50has been Melville Roig.
52:58This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
53:03Tapey Das!
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