- 2 days ago
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00Listen to the rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra.
00:06The swingy singing of Connie Haynes.
00:09And that brave youth who bore through snow and ice.
00:13A banner with this strange device.
00:15Hey, I'm that!
00:30Whoa! Whoa, peanut butter!
00:34Whoa, peanut butter!
00:36Costello, Costello, what in the world have you got there?
00:38A horse, what do you think it is?
00:40It's a horse, isn't it?
00:40It's a horse.
00:41What does it look like?
00:42A hip-hop puppet to have my arm in a bus?
00:43No.
00:45Costello, tell me the truth now.
00:46Where did you get that horse?
00:47Oh, Abbott, I bought it for a dollar and a half from a fellow that was wearing a white suit.
00:50And in anything, this horse is a hero.
00:53What do you mean?
00:53He won the Distinguished Service Cross.
00:55Look, it says right on his blanket, DSC.
00:58Distinguished Service?
01:00Yeah, he won it.
01:00That means Department of Street Cleaning.
01:05You mean that fellow in the white suit was a street cleaner?
01:08Certainly.
01:09No wonder when I first spoke to him, he gave me the brush.
01:11Well, Costello, you've got to cut out this nonsense.
01:15Now, last week you bought a dog, this week you bought a horse.
01:17Now, the next thing you know, you'll buy an elf.
01:19I did buy an elephant.
01:20Huh?
01:21I bought an elephant, Abbott.
01:22What do you mean?
01:22But I had to give him back.
01:23Why?
01:23They wouldn't let me bring him home on a streetcar.
01:25Oh, Costello, take that horse out of here right now and give him back to the man.
01:29Go ahead.
01:30No, Abbott.
01:30Come on.
01:30Please don't.
01:31Yes.
01:31Don't make me give him back.
01:32Abbott, I love animals.
01:34I want to keep him.
01:35Don't make me give Peanut Butter back.
01:37He's the sweetest, nicest horse I ever met.
01:40Come here, Peanut Butter.
01:43That's a nice girl.
01:45That's a pretty girl.
01:47Peanut Butter, give Abbott a great big kiss.
01:49Sure cools you off, don't it?
01:58Costello, take that horse outside right now and turn him loose.
02:01Wait a minute.
02:01Wait a minute, Abbott.
02:02No, I can't do that.
02:03Peanut Butter is hungry and I've got to feed him.
02:05Hey, what does the horse eat?
02:06The horse eats his father.
02:08He eats his father?
02:09Certainly.
02:10Well, that's fine.
02:11And what does the horse's father eat?
02:12He eats his father.
02:13Well, what do you know?
02:15And what does the horse's mother eat?
02:16She eats her father.
02:18What are they, cannibals?
02:21Certainly not.
02:22Every horse has to eat his father.
02:24Oh, I see.
02:25He eats his father.
02:26Yeah.
02:26And then his father eats his father.
02:27That's it.
02:27And then his mother eats her father.
02:29And the next thing you know, there won't be no fathers left for Father's Day.
02:37No, no, no, no.
02:39You dummy, to feed a horse, you take a bag and put his father in it.
02:42Does he stand for it?
02:43Certainly.
02:44You mean you put his father in a bag?
02:46That's right.
02:46And you hang his father on his nose.
02:49Now, ain't that a pretty picture?
02:51A horse walking around with his father hanging on his nose.
02:54Will you talk, sense, Costello?
02:56Now, if you intend to keep that horse around here, you'll have to take care of him yourself.
03:00You're going to be the horse's groom.
03:01I'm going to be the horse's what?
03:02His groom.
03:03You said you loved the horse, didn't you?
03:04Yeah, but I don't have to marry him.
03:07Look, Costello, when I say groom, I mean you have to curry the horse.
03:11I have to what?
03:12Curry.
03:12Curry.
03:13Curry the horse?
03:14That's right.
03:15He's big enough to walk himself.
03:20Now, look, Abbott.
03:21I'm going to take Peanut Butter out to Hollywood Park, and I'm going to enter him into races.
03:25The track is pretty muddy.
03:26Do you think he'll be able to race?
03:28What, is he a mutter?
03:29A what?
03:30I said, is he a mutter?
03:31How can he be a mutter?
03:35Ain't a she always a mutter?
03:36Well, certainly not.
03:37Sometimes a he makes a better mutter than a she.
03:40What do you know?
03:43Look, Abbott, suppose a mama horse has little horses.
03:46Don't that make her a mutter?
03:48Well, that depends on her feet.
03:49You learn something new every day, don't you?
03:51No, Costello.
03:52A mutter is a horse that likes to run in mud on account of having sore feet.
03:56Well, in that case, I guess Peanut Butter is a mutter because I saw him limping on his two front feet.
04:00Oh, I see he's having trouble with his forelegs.
04:03Why, certainly, because when...
04:05What'd you say?
04:06I said he's having trouble with his forelegs.
04:08I just got through telling you he was only limping with his two front legs.
04:14Costello, your horse's forelegs are in front.
04:16His forelegs are in front?
04:18Yes.
04:19What are those things in the back?
04:21What do you...
04:22Look, you don't understand.
04:24Your horse has forelegs in front and hind legs in back.
04:27Forelegs in the front and hind legs in back?
04:29That's right.
04:30What'd I got, a centipede?
04:33Look, Costello, your horse only has four legs.
04:36I know, I know, but he only races on three of them.
04:40What does he do with the other legs?
04:41He trips the other horse.
04:44Costello...
04:45He's a dirty horse?
04:46I can imagine that.
04:47He chees.
04:48Yes, I can see that.
04:49But look, Costello, that broken-down horse doesn't belong on a racetrack.
04:52Who'd ever bet on a nag like that?
04:55Look it.
04:55I would.
04:56You would.
04:56I'm going to take all my money out of my piggy bank.
04:59I'm even going to sell my erector set and my ping-pong paddles.
05:03You're going to sell all that for what?
05:04And my miggles and marbles, and I'm going to put every cent of my money on my horse.
05:08Now, that's ridiculous, Costello.
05:09Putting all your money on a horse.
05:11Big gamblers don't do that.
05:12Oh, no?
05:12No.
05:12Who was the biggest gambler that ever lived, did it?
05:14And just who was the biggest gambler that ever lived?
05:17Lady Godiva.
05:18Lady Godiva was a...
05:19Lady Godiva.
05:20Lady Godiva was a gambler?
05:21Yep.
05:22She put everything she had on a horse.
05:24I...
05:24Oh, oh, oh, peanut butter.
05:42Costello, where did your horse learn that dance step?
05:45Oh, he's a horsetess at the Hollywood canteen.
05:47Look, look, look, look, not horses.
05:53You mean hostess.
05:54Oh, all right, Costello, come on.
05:56Here we are at the Hollywood racetrack.
05:57Now, we've got to see one of the officials and register your horse.
06:00Why register him now?
06:01The election's over.
06:02No, no.
06:03He don't want to vote anyway.
06:04Ah, you dummy.
06:05In order to enter your horse in the race, you've got to show his pedigree.
06:09For instance, who was your horse foaled by?
06:12I beg your pardon?
06:13Who was your horse foaled by?
06:15He wasn't foaled by anybody.
06:17He's a very smart horse, Robert.
06:19No, no, no, Costello.
06:20Smart horse is no dummy.
06:21No, no, no, no, you don't understand.
06:22You've got to tell them all about your horse, his age, his weight, and your horse's height.
06:27Do you know...
06:27Do you know your horse's height?
06:29Oh, sure.
06:29I know him very good.
06:30He's a very good friend of mine.
06:31Who's a friend of yours?
06:32Horse's height, the band leader.
06:33Oh.
06:36I know him very good because I run around with his brother because I'm height.
06:40Now, cut out the nonsense.
06:42Come on, let's see if we can find a jockey to ride your horse.
06:44Hey, hey, hey, I'm so grandy.
06:46As a jockey, I'm a dandy.
06:48Ooh, ooh.
06:49Well, it's our old friend, Kitzel.
06:54Oh, my hello, Mr. Rabbit, and you too, Mr. Cosmello.
06:58Ho, ho.
07:01My goodness, I haven't seen you in a long distance.
07:05I understand, I understand that you're looking for a jockey.
07:09Uh, now, just a minute, Kitzel.
07:10Are you trying to tell us that you know how to ride a horse?
07:13Do I know how to ride a horse?
07:16Ha, ha.
07:16I'm laughing.
07:17I see that.
07:19Why, for you information, I just got finished riding a horse across the whole country, from
07:24New York to Hollywood.
07:26Hoo, hoo.
07:27I worked for days and days until the seat of my trousers were worn sea and land.
07:31Here I am.
07:32You finally came through.
07:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:37I finally came through.
07:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:43Uh, listen, Kitzel.
07:43Listen, Kitzel.
07:44Just a minute, actually.
07:45That's my line.
07:45Yeah, please.
07:46Just a minute.
07:47Uh, Costello.
07:50Uh, Kitzel, Costello has just bought a horse, and he's looking for a good jockey.
07:54Well, well, look no further, because I'm just the man you're looking at.
07:59You know I lost only one race this year, and that was because my horse was scratched in the
08:05handicap.
08:06Well, that's a very tender spot.
08:07Anybody that gets scratched in the handicap.
08:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Costello.
08:12The handicap is like a derby.
08:13Kitzel, did you ever ride in the derby?
08:15No, I always wear a stocking cap.
08:18Look, Kitzel, you ain't gonna ride my peanut butter.
08:20I'm gonna get my kid, brother Sebastian, to ride him.
08:23Well, you're making a big mistake, because I'll have you to know I won the Dixie Handicap
08:29riding on that famous horse, Ocean Cracker.
08:32Ocean Cracker?
08:33Yeah, I never heard of him.
08:35He's the father of CBS here.
08:37Oh, my goodness.
08:40I can see that you know very little about horses.
08:43Oh, yeah?
08:43Well, let me tell you something, Kitzel.
08:44I hang out with all the famous cowboys.
08:47Last night, I shot craps with Pink Ryder.
08:49Pink Ryder?
08:50Pink Ryder.
08:50Costello.
08:51I thought it was Red Ryder.
08:52It was, but I faded him.
08:53Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen, I can see that you doubt my ability as an equestionaire.
09:06Yes, I can see it.
09:08But I'm going to give you a sample of my fancy riding on my own horse.
09:12You see, that's him over there with the wooden saddle.
09:15You ride a horse with a wooden saddle?
09:17Oh, certainly.
09:18I like a wooden saddle.
09:20Watch me jump into it.
09:23Ow!
09:23Steve-er!
09:24Oh, wait.
09:31Hey.
09:32Hey, Costello, look.
09:33Here comes your little brother, Sebastian.
09:34Ah, hello, Louie.
09:36Hello, Uncle Bud.
09:37Hello.
09:37I'm all ready to ride Peanutbutt in the big race.
09:40I brought along a special saddle.
09:41Do you call that a saddle?
09:42Yeah.
09:43That looks like one of your mother's old girdles.
09:45It is.
09:46And if I see no horse that's going to lose, I can let him out in the stretch.
09:51All right, all right.
09:53Costello, you go over and register your horse while I teach Sebastian how to ride.
09:57You ain't going to teach me nothing.
09:59Sebastian, you'll listen to your Uncle Bud.
10:01I won't.
10:02You will.
10:03I won't.
10:04You will.
10:05I won't.
10:06You're going crazy.
10:07You will.
10:07I won't.
10:09Well, that was a photo finish.
10:11Oh, go on, Costello.
10:13I'll take care of Sebastian.
10:14You go ahead.
10:14Okay, see you later.
10:15All right, go ahead.
10:16Now, Sebastian, we're going to give the horse a workout.
10:18All right?
10:19Now, hold still, Peanutbutter.
10:21Atta boy.
10:22Now, Sebastian, put that harness over his head.
10:25That's it now.
10:26Now, give him a bit in the mouth.
10:28Give him a what?
10:29Give him a bit in the mouth.
10:31Give him a bit in the mouth?
10:32Yeah.
10:33What kind of English is that?
10:35You mean give him a bite in the mouth?
10:37Never mind that.
10:39Now, now you've got the bridle on.
10:41What happens to the rain?
10:42They go away when the sun comes out.
10:44No, no, I mean the rain's on the horse.
10:46Oh, let it rain on the horse.
10:48What do you want me to do?
10:49Hold on.
10:49Umbrella over him?
10:50Sebastian, why must you always be a smart aleck?
10:53I don't know.
10:54Ah, your brother is depending on this horse race.
10:56He's depending on this horse to win it.
10:58And what are you doing?
10:59What are you doing?
11:00You stand here and ridicule this poor old horse.
11:03A horse that probably has a large family.
11:06He wants to win this race and go back to his green pasture, don't you think?
11:10Then you won't help him.
11:11What's the matter with you?
11:12I don't know.
11:13Oh, you don't know.
11:14Uncle Bud, I don't know.
11:15Oh, you don't know.
11:16I guess I possess a cruel streak.
11:20I've got a what nature.
11:21I have no consideration for dumb animals.
11:26I should run the race and let the poor old horse shit in the cattle.
11:31I'll say you should.
11:32But why do you continually persist in doing these things?
11:36Oh, I'm a bad boy.
11:39Good afternoon, racing fans, and welcome to the Hollywood track.
12:06The races will start in 15 minutes, and we hope you'll have a wonderful day here at
12:11the cleaners.
12:12I mean, at the race track.
12:15And above all, ladies and gentlemen, beware of pickpockets.
12:19Don't let them get your money.
12:21Save it for us.
12:24Hey, Abbott.
12:25Hey, Abbott.
12:26We're in trouble.
12:27What do you mean?
12:27I just came from the stable.
12:28They don't want to let my horse run.
12:30They said he wasn't in condition.
12:32Who told you that?
12:32The track vegetarian.
12:33And not vegetarian, you dope.
12:35That's veterinarian.
12:36Veterinarian?
12:37Yes.
12:37That's what my grandfather is.
12:38Your father is a horse doctor?
12:39No, my grandfather.
12:40He's a veterinarian.
12:41A veterinarian in the Spanish-American War.
12:43Oh, talk so.
12:44What did the doctor say was wrong with your horse?
12:46He said he was bugs.
12:47He said he had the crickets.
12:49He didn't say crickets.
12:50Your horse has rickets.
12:51Rickets?
12:52That's what my father drinks every night.
12:53Your father drinks rickets?
12:54Yeah, slow gin rickets.
12:56Oh.
12:57Pastelish, quiet.
12:58Here comes the doctor now.
12:59Good afternoon, gentlemen.
13:00I am Dr. DeZaro, the racetrack veterinarian.
13:03Well, I'm glad to meet you, doctor.
13:05Is it true that Costello's horse can't run this afternoon?
13:07Well, I suppose he could run if he had the proper medical treatment.
13:11I'll tell you what you do, Costello.
13:12Run over to the drugstore and get a tomb of satiris, a little capteries,
13:15and a waterfabricinomite to take the seat of the horse.
13:21Then you buy a hypodermic needle and shoot the medicine in the left corner right above the crease.
13:25Between the capteries, you bring all the floors.
13:27Don't buy any casperies because that'll be the seat.
13:30Then you push in the shoulder for this right and put it right below the twan.
13:34I beg your pardon?
13:35I said you put it right below the twan.
13:38I could never do that to my horse.
13:41You've got it, Costello.
13:42Now take your pencil and write this down.
13:44Dear druggers.
13:45Yes.
13:46Please give Costello one tube of satiris with a little drops across
13:49and one bottle of cascet to hit this terrain
13:51and a jar of fastly salt-breathed cascet to hit this terrain
13:55Now, have you got that written down?
13:57I got it all for one part.
13:58What part did you miss?
14:00The part that comes after dear druggers.
14:05That's because you're not paying any attention, Costello.
14:07Yes, I simply told you to get a little bit of a satiris for all the price
14:10that you can rope on the case.
14:12I could tell you to get some half-refraised for the hit this terrain,
14:14but why should I bear this all to me?
14:16You agree with me, sir.
14:17I'm not it.
14:17And I know what I'm talking about.
14:20You and nobody else!
14:24Costello, how dare you insult the doctor?
14:27I can't understand you.
14:29You can't understand me!
14:31Listen to him!
14:35This is the most outrageous thing I've heard in all my life.
14:38I'm a graduate of the Veterinarian College of Francis-Strauss.
14:41You know where my effort is?
14:41Well, at seven miles, turn to the race, go to the class,
14:44there's a great big set of race, and you order it up a cent.
14:46I took medicine for eight years.
14:49Yeah, but you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth!
14:54Costello, please.
14:55Don't give me that...
14:56Now, cut that out or the doctor won't treat your horse.
15:01That's right, young man.
15:02Do you realize that your horse is suffering from a very severe case of
15:05twiddle-sauper-flint-lilt?
15:06Well, that...
15:08It could be worse.
15:10You might have stabbarees of the morphine princes out there,
15:12talking with a hip-a-stitch...
15:13You know that that...
15:18That...
15:19When he's in that condition,
15:21well, he's liable to walk up to the track and...
15:22He wouldn't dare!
15:27Anything but fill up on center, yeah!
15:31All right, never mind.
15:32Look, never mind, Costello, doctor.
15:34Go ahead and get the horse ready for the race, please.
15:36Very well.
15:37Where shall I send the bill?
15:38Now, it's my turn.
15:40Bring your bill to room 509 in Valdee Pong,
15:42stupid turn-for-floor building at the corner of Tick-A-Legger's show.
15:44It's right near Circus, a big six-trail street.
15:47Okay, I'll be there.
15:48Where?
15:49You said it.
15:51What did I say?
15:53I mean, hey, Abbott, was that guy real or am I dreaming?
15:56I mean, I know it seems silly, but I'm pinching myself.
15:58Young man, you're pinching me.
16:01I'm not so silly after all.
16:05Attention, everybody.
16:07The horses are at the post for the first race.
16:09Come on, Costello.
16:10Your horse doesn't run till the last race.
16:12Let's make a few bets on the other races.
16:13Racing forms!
16:14Get your racing forms!
16:15How about a racing form, young man?
16:17A what?
16:18I have the racing form.
16:19Well, keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice it.
16:24Costello, this woman is a bookie.
16:25She's a bookie?
16:26Yes.
16:27Who?
16:27Abbott!
16:27Let's get out of here before her husband comes.
16:29I'm afraid of him!
16:30You're afraid of her husband?
16:31Yeah, everybody's afraid of the bookie, man.
16:34Oh, what?
16:36Quiet, Costello.
16:37Let's make a bet.
16:38Yes, how about placing a bet with me?
16:40What race are you running in?
16:43I'd have won the last race of my...
16:45Oh, what do you mean?
16:47All right, look, come here.
16:49Costello.
16:51Never mind, hire.
16:52The first race is about to start.
16:54I'll take your bet.
16:55You're going to take my bet?
16:55I'll take your bet.
16:56Okay, you have it.
16:56I'll bet $2.
16:57Here's the money.
16:58The race is over.
16:59You lose.
17:00Wait a minute.
17:00Wait a minute.
17:02What kind of a bet was that?
17:04The race is over.
17:05You lose.
17:05What kind of a race was that?
17:06What's wrong?
17:07A one step?
17:08Come on, run that race over again.
17:10I want to see it.
17:10Pipe down, pipe down.
17:11Now, on the next race, I want you to double up.
17:14Double up?
17:15I ain't even straightened up from the left.
17:17I mean, I want you to bet $4.
17:19You want me to bet $4?
17:20Yeah.
17:20$4 is my eye.
17:21My eye.
17:21That's a good horse.
17:22It's a bet.
17:23They're off.
17:24The race is over.
17:24You lose.
17:24Will you wait on the net?
17:27Stop, stalking.
17:29Accidents will happen.
17:30Maybe the horse got dust in his eye.
17:31You don't know.
17:32You know what dust is.
17:33Yeah, dust is mud with the juice squeezed out.
17:35Yeah, right.
17:36Now, in the next race...
17:37There ain't going to be no next race.
17:39But listen, there's only two horses in the next race.
17:41Jelly Bean and Lollipop.
17:42You bet on each horse and you can't lose.
17:44Well, maybe that's right.
17:45Certainly that's right.
17:45Jelly Bean and Lollipop.
17:47Two horses.
17:47I'm a sucker anyway.
17:48Yeah.
17:49Two horses.
17:49I bet on each horse.
17:50That's right.
17:51I can't lose.
17:51How can you lose?
17:52Okay, here's $20 on Jelly Bean.
17:53Yeah.
17:54And here's $20 on Lollipop.
17:55Good.
17:55Good.
17:55The horses are at the pool.
17:56Right.
17:57They're off.
17:58Look, Lollipop first.
18:00Jelly Bean second.
18:00Come on, Jelly Pop.
18:02You mean Lollipop.
18:04I mean Jelly Pop.
18:05I'm betting on that tour.
18:06Wait a minute.
18:07They're rounding the turn.
18:08Lollipop first.
18:09Jelly Bean second.
18:11The stretch, Lollipop first, Jelly Bean second.
18:14They're under the wire.
18:14And the winner, Hershey Bar.
18:20Hershey Bar.
18:22Now, ain't that the nuts?
18:25Now, just a minute.
18:26In the last race...
18:27That was my last race.
18:28But wait a minute, Costello.
18:29There's only one horse in this last race.
18:31Oh, one horse in this race.
18:31Certainly.
18:32You sound like one of them racetrack trouts.
18:35No, no, no.
18:35Trout, trout.
18:36All right.
18:37But I wouldn't make it out of bed if there was no horses in a race.
18:39But, Costello, it's your own horse, Peanut Butter.
18:41Peanut Butter?
18:41Yeah, one horse.
18:42Hey, Abbott.
18:42You mean my own little horse, Peanut Butter?
18:44Yes, yes, yes.
18:44That's different.
18:45I'm going to bet everything I've got on Peanut Butter.
18:47Here, Abbott.
18:48What?
18:48Put $10 on the nose.
18:49$10 on the nose.
18:50$10 on the tail.
18:51$10 on the tail.
18:52Here's another $10.
18:52Put it under the saddle.
18:53What for?
18:54In case he comes in sideways.
18:56Look, you can't lose.
18:57It's a one-horse race.
18:58One-horse race.
18:59Look, they're off in a bunch.
19:01Wait a minute.
19:03How can one horse be off in a bunch?
19:05Hey, wait a minute.
19:05At the half, it's Peanut Butter.
19:06Come on, Peanut Butter.
19:07At the three-quarters, Peanut Butter.
19:11Peanut Butter spread out, Peanut Butter.
19:15In the stretch.
19:16And the winner, Peanut Butter.
19:18Oh, hooray.
19:19I win.
19:20I win.
19:20Peanut Butter win.
19:22Give me my money.
19:23Just a minute, folks.
19:24It's a photo finish.
19:26Photo finish?
19:27One horse in a race.
19:29How can it be a photo finish?
19:31Lollipop just came in from the last race.
19:36He must be one of Bing Crosby's horses.
19:39Look, Abbott.
19:40Look over there.
19:41No wonder I lost.
19:43What's the matter?
19:43Here comes my little brother, Sebastian, riding on Peanut Butter.
19:47What's the matter with that kid?
19:49Look at the way he's riding.
19:51He's riding underneath the horse.
19:54Sebastian, you should have won that race.
19:57What was the idea of riding underneath the horse instead of on top of him?
19:59Well, it was Dr. Nazaro's order.
20:02Dr. Nazaro told you to ride under the horse?
20:04Yeah.
20:05He said the horse was sick, and he told me to watch his stomach.
20:08Oh, please.
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