00:00And that's why the French don't wash.
00:05Okay, boys, so we be having anything else?
00:08I'll have what Brad Pitt's having.
00:11Yeah, you find me Brad Pitt, I'll serve it up.
00:15Now let's talk about Brad Pitt.
00:17Did you see he was People Magazine's sexiest man alive this year?
00:21What does that mean?
00:22That John John Kennedy isn't so sexy anymore?
00:26I'm not so impressed with Brad Pitt.
00:29I don't think he's even that good-looking.
00:31Doesn't matter what you think, Oswald.
00:32This is bigger than us.
00:33It's People Magazine.
00:34It's been decided.
00:38Well, if you don't think Brad Pitt's good-looking,
00:40then what guys do you think are good-looking?
00:43I don't know.
00:45You can only look at them when they're not looking at you.
00:48What?
00:50We're talking about movies.
00:52What the hell are you talking about?
00:53I don't know.
00:55I don't want to talk about this anymore.
00:56No, no, no, no.
00:58This is interesting.
01:01Let's say you were in prison.
01:05Now, all the women have been killed by a mysterious disease.
01:11Plus the fact that your parents, very understanding.
01:14Who do you pick to be your cellmate?
01:25Liam Neeson.
01:28Hi, lad.
01:29Hey, well, shit.
01:30You know, the thing about this conversation is
01:32we are not talking about Brad Pitt.
01:34Huh?
01:35No.
01:35We're talking about the women Brad Pitt gets.
01:38Man, what I could do with those women.
01:39Yeah, you can drive right to Brad Pitt's house.
01:44You know, the beautiful thing about sitting in this bar here in Cleveland
01:47is that not one of these women has a chance in hell of meeting Brad Pitt.
01:51So, here's to us.
01:54Their cold little splash of reality.
01:59Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.
02:03Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.
02:07We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.
02:11Moon over Parma tonight.
02:13Ooh, looking sharp.
02:21Feeling sharp, Lewis?
02:22Don't touch me, man.
02:23You'll cut yourself.
02:25Man, what a party.
02:26Can't believe you guys are still here.
02:28Hey, look.
02:29It's tomorrow.
02:30When are you guys going home?
02:32I don't know about Lewis,
02:33but I'm still waiting for you to pay me my money.
02:35Oh, well, get comfortable, pal.
02:37You are the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.
02:39Go under your mobile.
02:40You're one step ahead of an angry mob.
02:41Hey, I'm only charging you 50 bucks.
02:44People pay me 150.
02:46People like your snappy patter between the songs?
02:49Ah, come on.
02:50They love that.
02:50Here's one for all the lovers in the crowd.
02:53How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?
02:57Thanks for the help, Lewis.
02:58Man, what a mess.
03:00Yeah, look.
03:00I'll finish this room,
03:01but then I've got to get home and change for work.
03:03We're doing drug testing today.
03:05Drug test, huh?
03:06That must be a big problem at a chemical company.
03:08Well, nine out of ten times,
03:11if someone fails a test,
03:12it's a drug code product.
03:13Oh, it'll make a great advertising slogan.
03:16Drug code.
03:17Come on, all your friends are doing it.
03:20Hey.
03:22You got it to the non-generic beer.
03:24Okay, okay, sorry.
03:26Lewis and I will buy some more beer.
03:27Hey, let's try that new drive-thru liquor store
03:29at Brook Park and Ridge.
03:31Man, a liquor store with a window on the side
03:33where you can buy whiskey, beer,
03:35whatever you want while you're driving.
03:37God bless America.
03:40Just the thing for that drunk driver
03:42who's constantly on the go.
03:45Hey, no time to stop at Real Bar.
03:46I got things to do today.
03:48Places to go, people to hit.
03:50Busy, busy, busy.
03:51Poof.
03:53Coming.
03:56Hey, Kate.
03:57Hi.
03:58Sorry I missed the party.
03:59By the time I decided I wanted to live,
04:01I had figured everyone had gone home.
04:04Oh, you missed a great one, Kate.
04:05Hey, did you know that if the Domino's guy
04:08doesn't get back in an hour,
04:09they call the police?
04:11That great Barry fired me this morning.
04:13For what?
04:14For being late.
04:15Oh, that sucks you drive in together.
04:20That's only because we live together.
04:21But, you know, that's over.
04:22I threw him out last night.
04:24Hold it.
04:25I'm getting something.
04:27You live with your boss.
04:29You broke up with him.
04:30And he fired you the very next day.
04:34Hello, Rip, please.
04:35You're not gonna believe me.
04:37Why are guys like that?
04:39I mean, you tell them it's all over
04:40because the simple biological fact is,
04:43yes, size does count a little.
04:48I mean, it's not like I wasn't the best receptionist
04:51of stupid damn bi-sh I've ever had.
04:52Why would he hire me in the first place?
04:53Wait, I have Mr. Obvious.
04:55I'm lying, too.
04:59He gave me the job so we could sleep with you.
05:01Well, then he's pretty stupid
05:03because I slept with him before I got the job.
05:11Hey, Kate's here.
05:12Kate, did you bring us breakfast?
05:13Yeah, where's breakfast?
05:15Breakfast.
05:16Breakfast.
05:16Breakfast.
05:17Hey, it's Ken Carton.
05:20Would you hit them with your shoes
05:21so we can talk about me?
05:22What happened to you?
05:23I just got fired.
05:25I'm sorry, Kate.
05:26Well, at least you still have Barry.
05:28Oh.
05:29Sorry, Kate.
05:30You know, this could be the best thing
05:31that ever happened to you.
05:32You're way better than those dead-end jobs
05:34you keep taking.
05:35I mean, look at me.
05:36When I first took a job as a sales clerk,
05:38I never thought it would lead to a career.
05:39But now I'm Assistant Director of Personnel.
05:43I have a position of indirect respect
05:45and oblique power.
05:48You think you can use some of that power
05:50to give me a job?
05:51Come on, Kate.
05:52You know I can't hire friends.
05:54But I hate you.
05:56I've always hated you.
05:58Everybody hates me when they want a job.
06:01You know what?
06:02I saw this same thing on the X-Files.
06:04One alien hires his friend alien
06:06to help dominate the Earth.
06:08Sure enough, his friend arrives late,
06:10doesn't know how to work the gamma ray machine.
06:14Next thing you know,
06:15they're both washing dishes on Venus.
06:18Lewis.
06:19Huh?
06:21I don't know where to start.
06:24Come on, Drew.
06:25I would be perfect in a department store.
06:26You know I'd work my ass off.
06:29You hear that?
06:30It's the 802 honk.
06:31It's my anal retentive carpool.
06:33I got a carpool.
06:34Think about it.
06:35Okay.
06:36You're lying.
06:38Hey, 41.
06:49You know, Larry,
06:50right about now I got interviews
06:51stacked up in the office.
06:52Pretty much like you got angry motors
06:54stacked up behind you.
06:55Do you think you could fire up
06:56the bullet train here?
06:57I don't like driving that fast.
06:59It's not safe.
07:02Hey!
07:03Look at that fat guy walking.
07:04Wow, look at that, will ya?
07:11Learn veterinary medicine through the mail.
07:14Man, I hate to be a dog in that house.
07:18Mail's here.
07:18God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God.
07:22I just lost my dog.
07:25My kids haven't stopped crying for two days.
07:31Mind if I turn on the radio?
07:32Let me check.
07:33All in favor of turning on the radio?
07:37You know, I've been in this carpool for three weeks,
07:39I haven't won one vote.
07:40How come you get to decide when we vote?
07:42Who voted on that?
07:43I've been in some carpools,
07:44they actually get out of the car laughing and singing.
07:46This is like a funeral,
07:47where they're not in a hurry to bury the guy.
07:50My aunt's had a funeral.
07:52We all had a nice time.
07:53The food's always good there.
07:55Oh yeah, we've got to try something.
07:57We don't even know what to eat.
07:59There's a swan.
08:01I'm not even dancing.
08:02Finally!
08:03Finally, something we can all talk about.
08:12It's how the dog die.
08:14Hey, uh, how much is the monthly incentive for joining the carpool?
08:25Forty-five.
08:26Big ol' dollars.
08:27Man, that only leaves me ten bucks for bullets.
08:31Not getting any better, huh?
08:33You won't use the carpool lane.
08:34I used to get here in a half an hour.
08:36Now I have to get up a half hour earlier just to get here ten minutes later.
08:39Sure, Cleveland's here is better, but I'm stuck in a car with seven people who just had breakfast burritos.
08:46Did Mr. Bell call yet? Does he know I'm late?
08:50Good luck, Drew.
08:51From here on out, I don't know you.
08:55Carrie, it's Bell. You there?
08:57Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. Just going through my files.
09:00Wouldn't happen to be the cosmetic counter applications.
09:02Yes, sir, you must be psychic.
09:04Hey, guess how many fingers I'm holding up?
09:10I need that position filled by Monday, Carrie.
09:12Customers are complaining that they have to wander from counter to counter looking for help.
09:16Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. You know, it's always a pleasure to talk...
09:21Lois, can you send back my first interview, please?
09:24Sure.
09:25Yes, Mr. Bell. Right away, Mr. Bell.
09:27How's the heart, Mr. Bell?
09:28Oh, that's too bad, Mr. Bell.
09:29Boom!
09:30Drew.
09:31Yes?
09:33Mimi Bobeck.
09:34I'm here for the interview.
09:37Nice to meet you, Mimi.
09:38What department are you applying for?
09:40Cosmetics.
09:43Okay, great.
09:44Can you sit down?
09:49Let's see here.
09:51Two years in phone sales.
09:53Darkroom assistant.
09:56Reader for the blind.
09:57I'm also single, if that helps.
10:01Not me.
10:05I mean, you know, we don't count marital status either way.
10:08Now, you know, we will be interviewing quite a few people for this job.
10:11Oh, well, so that's that. Well, nice meeting you.
10:14Uh, excuse me?
10:15That's the code.
10:16Interviewing quite a few people means forget it.
10:18Just like, thanks for stopping by means we don't want to see you ever again.
10:22That's not what I was saying.
10:23Cut the crap, Mr. Carey.
10:24I know what you're thinking.
10:26You have to be one of those classically good-looking women to sell cosmetics.
10:30Oh, no, not necessarily. Your looks are just fine.
10:33Did I say they weren't?
10:34Uh, I was hoping somebody had.
10:40Well, how does it work, Mr. Carey? Huh?
10:42Some empty-headed bimbo walks in here and you feel something in your groin and they get the job?
10:47What?
10:48What other requirements didn't I meet?
10:49Wasn't my skirt short enough?
10:50Didn't I bend over enough during the interview?
10:53What does it take to get someone as sexist as you to hire me?
10:55Uh, you know, you're, uh, certainly under consideration, so that . . .
11:03What's your boss's name?
11:04I can find out if you don't tell me.
11:06Look, his name's Mr. Bell.
11:07Mr. Bell.
11:08I think you're making a big mistake here.
11:10You know, you're not being judged by anything but your application.
11:12Hey, I see you speak Spanish.
11:15You're in really big trouble, you know that?
11:18I didn't come in here to be insulted by some crew-cut jerk
11:21who thinks this job is his own personal beauty contest.
11:24You're a pig!
11:28We'll call and let you know.
11:32Thanks for stopping by!
11:39Hey!
11:40Everybody ready to go?
11:41Drew's not home yet.
11:42How'd the drug test go?
11:43Well, I couldn't wait.
11:44Now I gotta do a makeup.
11:47Can I look at the job front?
11:48Make nothing.
11:51Come on, ask me about my day, I dare ya.
11:53Alrighty, Drew.
11:54How was your day?
11:55Ah, you're not sincere enough.
11:56You!
11:57You asked me about my day.
11:58Okay, Drew.
11:59How was your day?
12:00So you wanna know how my day was, huh?
12:02It was lousy.
12:03It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
12:07That's a bad day.
12:09My God, what happened?
12:10Oh, some crazy woman I interviewed complained to my boss and I got reamed.
12:14You, Mr. Employee of the Month?
12:17Hey, you're damn right I'm Employee of the Month and you know why?
12:19Because I do my job well and I treat everyone fairly.
12:22This woman called me a sexist.
12:24Do you know how many forms you have to fill out when someone calls you a sexist?
12:26Eight.
12:27What'd you do, harass her?
12:28No, I didn't harass her.
12:29So she wanted it?
12:30No.
12:31All she wanted was a job in the cosmetics department.
12:32Hmm.
12:33But I couldn't hire her.
12:34She came in looking like something my nephew colored.
12:35Oh, there's an opening at the cosmetics department?
12:37Yeah, but not for her.
12:38There's too many mirrors.
12:39You know what really ticks me off is I'm up for promotion in a few weeks.
12:42Now I gotta bust my hump to get over this black mark.
12:44Oh, I gotta bust my hump to get over this black mark.
12:47You know what really ticks me off is I'm up for promotion in a few weeks.
12:59Now I gotta bust my hump to get over this black mark.
13:01Hey, you know I'm not looking to buy a Ferrari, but I'd like to get a few paychecks ahead.
13:05Maybe actually give something to charity instead of just lying about it on my taxes.
13:10It's a rush.
13:11Hey, I set goals for myself, man.
13:13I got deadlines.
13:14I don't wanna find out I got my high school reunion coming up.
13:16I only got six months to make something out of myself.
13:18What am I gonna do?
13:19Be in an alley?
13:20Come on, seven.
13:21Daddy needs a loose leg to get a new career.
13:23Come on, baby.
13:24I need some hair right now.
13:26Man, it's killing me.
13:29I know exactly what you're saying, Drew.
13:31My pharmaceutical company is doing big things.
13:34Any day now at Drug Co. could be the day that we come up with that new miracle drug.
13:38And it's gonna be the guys that work around the clock that get all the credit.
13:42You know what?
13:43I wanna be one of those guys.
13:45Lewis.
13:46Huh?
13:47You're the maintenance man.
13:50Start wearing one of those masks when you sweep up, will you, buddy?
13:58Ah, neat.
14:00Hey, you know, pal, that cheeseburger's gonna give you a heart attack.
14:04What?
14:05I'm gonna swallow that damn thing.
14:07Doesn't the government regulate this stuff?
14:10Thank God for you, sir.
14:12I almost had a moment of joy.
14:16Safety Nazi, get lost.
14:19You know, Drew, you're still a little on edge.
14:21Gee, you think so?
14:22Well, there's only one way to tell.
14:24Let's do a little stress test.
14:26You know, Drew, stress management is the key to longevity.
14:30I've always found that sensory deprivation usually does the trick.
14:34You're in total darkness, gradually relaxing every muscle in your body
14:39as you lie in a warm pool of water.
14:43Uh-oh.
14:44I gotta pee.
14:47They don't let him back from those tanks.
14:50Oh, my God, there she is.
14:52Who?
14:53My interview with a vampire.
14:56Wow.
14:57She wants to sell makeup?
14:59Well, she should know something about it.
15:01She certainly buys enough of it.
15:04Man, what I'd like to say to her.
15:06Well, what's this then?
15:08After a hard day of screwing qualified applicants out of jobs?
15:12It's Miller time!
15:15Drew, no need to respond.
15:17Just ignore her.
15:19Let it go.
15:20Oh, and you must be the trash that got the job.
15:23Don't get up.
15:24I don't want to see where his hand is.
15:26If you need any help, remember, I used to be a rodeo clown.
15:34You know what?
15:35I'm not gonna stoop to her level.
15:37I'm just gonna tell her the truth.
15:39Somebody's got to.
15:40Excuse me, Miss Bobeck?
15:41Oh, great.
15:42You ruined my day.
15:43Now you're gonna ruin my night.
15:44Ruined your day?
15:45You almost got me fu-
15:46Listen.
15:47Can we talk honestly?
15:48Just a couple people in a bar.
15:49No interviews, no suits, nothing.
15:50Just regular folks, okay?
15:51What are you bothering me for?
15:52Can't you get laid here either?
15:53Look, I didn't come over here to upset you because if you start to cry and your makeup starts to run, I don't have that kind of time.
16:11I just want you to consider the possibility that I might be you. I mean, I couldn't hire you for any job in that story. I mean, you're just a nasty person.
16:21So, my looks had nothing to do with it.
16:28I said we were gonna be honest and, uh, yes they did. A little bit.
16:35Oh no, you're not sexist. You're just stupid.
16:38Hey, sometimes appearance matters. You know what? I'm never gonna model Speedos. I look like a Bart LePere with a rubber band wrapped around the bottom.
16:46But that's life. You go out and you find something you're good at and you quit blaming everybody else.
16:53Well, when you put it like that, bite me, jackass.
16:59Hey, Drew. He's a good looking friend.
17:05Can't you come up with something more original, Lewis? She hears that all day long.
17:09Gee, you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for in this position. Haven't you ever had a job anywhere?
17:21Listen, uh, I have to fill this job in an hour or so. Why don't you go wait out in the lobby and I'll talk to the supervisor.
17:28Thank you so much.
17:29No, thank you. Oh, God. Fill this out. Approved by your supervisor. That's me. And thank you, Natalie.
17:36Get out of here by five. Go over to Oswald's house. Burn it down. That'll be his little stress test. And I'll have a vent.
17:41Kate! Hey. What are you doing downtown? You got an interview?
17:45Yeah.
17:46Man, you were shooing. He looked great. Hey, you wanna go out for a bite to eat? I can leave early. I just filled the job.
17:51No, you didn't. Come on. Just take ten minutes to consider me.
17:55No. This will screw up our relationship. It's even worse than when friends have sex, you know, because at least then you had sex.
18:04Excuse me, Drew. The carpool took a vote. We all chipped in for this bus pass. It's our little way of saying we're sorry things didn't work out.
18:12What? You can't get me out of the carpool. I can go back to the bus. Who am I supposed to drive in with?
18:17The carpool took a vote. We don't care.
18:21I'll be in your carpool.
18:23Excuse me. Yes, Mr. Bell.
18:27Listen, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I saw a young woman in the lobby who seems perfect for the cosmetics count. Young, well-dressed.
18:35I know, Mr. Bell.
18:36She's wearing a tight blue suit. Come and get me pumps. You cannot miss this girl.
18:41I don't want to take a drink of water. I nearly choked on my...
18:46Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. I know I only have 45 minutes. I'm right on top of it. I'll do it right away.
18:51I can't do this. What if I have to fire you when I'm sure I'm going to have to? How are we supposed to be friends after that?
18:58You won't have to fire me. You could kill me. How's that?
19:02Yeah, it may solve some problems, but, you know, it may create others.
19:06Come on. You said yourself that I should work in a nice place where I could get ahead for once.
19:10Nobody is going to hire me for this kind of job with my background in body shops.
19:15You are the only one that would give me a chance. What do you say?
19:33What am I supposed to tell Natalie? She was really looking forward to having a resume.
19:41Look, uh, just in case the boss asks, do you have any special qualifications that make you better for the job than, you know, Natalie?
19:49I could beat the crap out of her.
19:51Yeah. Physical superiority is something you always look for in a good cosmetic salesperson.
19:57Not so much of a friend.
20:02Wow, look at it come down. Is that our chocolate ready yet?
20:05Coming right up.
20:08Real nice of you to give Kate that job, Drew.
20:10Well, you know, it was the only decent thing to do.
20:12She threatened you?
20:13Yeah.
20:16Yeah, Drew, you're too good to us.
20:19You don't have any pie?
20:21Sheep, bastard.
20:22Look sharp.
20:25Employed person in the room.
20:29I need your help. I have to decide what perfume samples to push tomorrow.
20:40Evening passion.
20:42Morning musk.
20:43What do you have around midday?
20:46Come on, help me.
20:52Just my luck. I get the hand that's been petting the wet dog.
20:56You're not helping, Drew.
20:57Ugh, you've been kissing that dog, too.
21:02Get out of here.
21:04You know what? This calls for a celebration.
21:08So, who's coming with me?
21:12You just go ahead, buddy. We'll wait in here.
21:14All right.
21:17But you don't know what you're missing.
21:24Look at that dumb son of a gun.
21:29Hey!
21:44We're going bowling.
22:00So don't lose your insulin.
22:02Moon over karma tonight.
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