- 2 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, Mike, are you studying again?
00:05Do you realize how depressing that is to come home to?
00:08Depressing is coming home to an empty lasagna tray?
00:12Touché, Michael.
00:15It's just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here.
00:19I'm having the worst dry spell ever.
00:20My dry spell's lasted 20 years, but go on.
00:23I mean, in New York, if you see a pretty girl,
00:26you can just walk right up to her, you know?
00:27But here, they're all in cars.
00:29They go whipping past me at like a million miles an hour.
00:32You know, like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me,
00:36so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.
00:40$800 for a U-turn?
00:42Yeah.
00:44We may have been on a freeway at the time.
00:49I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.
00:51Well, you could go to bars.
00:53No, I'm getting too old for that.
00:55Plus, I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in.
01:01Oh, by the way, if Ramone calls, I am not here.
01:03Come on.
01:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
01:40look at this world is a freaking joke cargo pants of five minutes ago the world is a freaking joke
01:49the thing about the celebrity hairstylist i went to cosmetology school with that girl
01:53and she was terrible she burned way more hair than i did and i burned some hair
01:59now i have to read about her living the glamorous life and rubbing elbows with celebrities
02:03that should be me you cut my hair i'm on tv no offense but you're only slightly more famous than
02:08my client who shot her husband hello giant plate of sandwiches joey listen oh hey michael didn't even
02:18see you there hands off these are for my book club tonight book club here in my own home god it's like
02:27i'm living at the playboy mansion stay away from the sandwiches watch your mom
02:40i can't believe this it's so upsetting when people with with less talent than you are more successful
02:45yeah like that dog from my beer commercial couldn't catch a frisbee on cue works all the time
02:50you know you should ask your agent to hook me up she has lots of famous clients that need to get
02:56their hair done just show her my portfolio i am sure she will be impressed well i could show it to
03:00her but i'm not so sure she'll be impressed i mean all the hairstyles are modeled by michael even the
03:04women's so that dorothy hamill haircut with the heavy makeup we're lucky he's not burying bodies in the
03:12backyard joey what are you doing here why aren't you out there getting work uh didn't have any
03:25auditions today oh sure put it all on me what's that oh it's a portfolio of hairstyles what
03:35oh who's the model what i'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket and snack on
03:48him all day that's my nephew well we can see who has the looks in your family
03:58anyway my sister is a hairdresser and that's her portfolio i was hoping maybe you could
04:04show it to some of your clients oh absolutely hi halle berry my client has a sister who's a barber
04:21could she do your hair for the oscars
04:26what'd she say
04:27joey joey i'm not here to do you personal favors let me explain how this agent thing works first
04:37you become famous and then i'll kiss your ass
04:43but until then let's keep it strictly professional okay sorry i understand leave the pictures of the boy toy
04:57oh well hello are you here for book club i am now what did you think of this week's book i found it
05:09extremely fictional joey joey can i just talk to you for one second uh yeah sorry
05:20what are you doing you didn't tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club
05:24you gotta let me in look i don't know hey come on michael you can't keep me out of a room full of
05:30women if i was in charge of a room full of boring stuff i'd let you in look look this isn't one of
05:35those book clubs where people just come to mingle all right it's it's a place to discuss literature
05:39not pick up girls oh my god jane's here jane hi michael i brought an ice cream cake that's great
05:47that's great it's great to see you uh great book huh so great i thought it was a little slow at the
05:51beginning but great overall i mean did you think it was great the cake is cold my hands are getting
05:55numb oh not a place to pick up girls huh jane no way no are you kidding no i would never great great
06:09great great great great great great great great all right i love her so much
06:17so ask her out no book club has a strict no dating rule and i'm the president she's my vice president
06:22the scandal would tear our administration apart michael you have to seize this moment the love between
06:30two nerds is a rare and fragile i want to i can't go against the rules without a motion being passed
06:37so i'll make a motion no you're not a member there's an approval process well i motion you
06:41suspended on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book club's headquarters
06:46i second the motion the motion is passed i motion for a presidential exemption to the no dating rule
06:51i second the motion the motion is passed i motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right
06:56now motion denied mr chairman you're out of order
07:00great book club tonight lively discussion and i got five phone numbers yeah the girls are crazy about
07:12you what's your secret well there's no trick women just want to be listened to so when they talk i
07:19pretend to listen and go like this
07:20hey so how'd it go with jane did you ask her out no just because i want to wait till next week's
07:28meeting so i can set the mood you know so i picked a romantic book and i asked her to come over right
07:33before just to help me write out the discussion questions nice nice what's the book jane austen's
07:39pride and prejudice it's a tale of manners and courtships set in 19th century rural england
07:43i hope you enjoy reading that joey if you're gonna be in this book club you have to read the
07:48book the whole notion of stop that stop it hey guys so is the agent going to send me any clients
08:00no actually bobby's been very busy so i don't know if you should expect the call your agent she did call
08:06really yeah it was weird she called me her little chicken nugget then made a bunch of slurping noises
08:13that's just show biz talks i can't believe you don't know anyone famous if you hadn't turned
08:19down that hit show you'd have so many connections that could help me right now yeah that's what i
08:23regret most about that decision hey i'm sorry to bug you but uh did you get some of my mail by mistake
08:30i didn't get my people magazine and the post office said they delivered it today
08:37gina weren't you reading that earlier what's the problem i'm not good enough to steal your magazine
08:41no it's okay i think it's upstairs have a seat i'll go get no that's okay you don't need to leave us
08:46alone so tell me do you this isn't a social hour what famous people do you know oh well um my college
08:58friend jessica is married to a big time movie producer so does she wear really expensive gowns
09:02and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres yeah all the time she goes to one like every week
09:06oh you're lying to impress me no i'm not lying she's a really good friend of mine you're right
09:14i'd like to see you ask her to let me do a hair for her next premiere all right i will wait what just
09:19happened i'm really good i swear i just need a chance if you call her and set it up i'll be nice to you
09:27for how long name your terms two weeks done i should have said three and now you're down to one oh
09:36hey hello hey listen tonight at book club don't have diane sit next to maureen why i may be dating
09:48both of them exclusively oh my god that's jane all right i'll get out of your hair until book club
09:55starts i'll be in my room reading the book and listen to some soft rock hits of the 70s can you
10:00believe someone threw this out oh hi whoa come in i'm sorry you just you look great thanks you look
10:14i don't know i can't see without my glasses i probably shouldn't have driven here
10:19so uh did you enjoy the book oh yeah yeah it's pretty romantic very
10:32so i wanted to ask you don't mind me just grabbing a snack reading makes me hungry
10:36so i was i was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of book club oh okay like uh
10:58maybe we could strike the no dating rule from the bylaws oh yes let's do that okay okay uh consider it
11:04stricken okay great so we can date people in book club yes we can so what's up with your uncle
11:11i'm sorry well do you think he would go out with me he mentioned he was single last time and i was
11:17hoping you could say something for me i'm gonna go read in the courtyard give you two some privacy
11:22four down 371 to go hey hey i just wanted to tell you guys to be sure to watch tv tonight i just did alex's
11:40friend's hair for a premiere and she's gonna be on the red carpet oh how'd it go oh i was a little nervous
11:45at first she's a very fancy lady she was drinking martinis and sitting with the legs crossed but then
11:53i got into it and instinct just took over i did this beautiful old hollywood style updo congratulations
11:59all right i'm gonna go tell michael no no no no no no he's in there with the girl okay he's in there
12:04with the girl and you're reading books what is this freaky friday all right i guess i'll go tell
12:09blondie how it went uh call her alex you promised you were gonna be nice yeah only one more day of
12:14that and some stuff is gonna happen five minutes left i gotta buckle down hey little snail
12:28hi joey diane maureen now you two know each other oh yeah we're good friends i did not know that
12:39hi joey what's up listen michael i didn't exactly finish the book okay so don't call on me you're
12:49unbelievable what what's the matter did you ask jane out no i didn't ask her out she wants to go out
12:59with you oh dude i'm so sorry obviously i would never totally screwed this up for me i didn't mean to
13:06i barely said two words to her you didn't have to you came to last week's meeting with your game
13:10face on looking to score and it worked all right you're like a big blob of sex and you you've oozed
13:16your charm all over the girl i like i am not a sex blob okay and this is not my fault look i'm sorry
13:23if she likes me but i didn't do anything wrong i should never have let you in
13:30should we get started yes come joey let's go talk about the book we all read nothing past page four
13:36hey i wanted to call and tell you what a great book club is starting everybody book club
13:54okay so who wants to start i thought joey what did you think of pride and prejudice
14:00let's hear it what were some of the central themes
14:06uh uh well pride was one yeah and of course prejudice which is wrong oh yeah
14:18uh uh-huh and what did you think of darcy she was good darcy's a man
14:24but not in the modern sense is that what you're saying joey uh yes it is yes it is maureen thank you
14:31that's interesting that's very interesting
14:39he didn't read the book the only reason he's here is to pick up women now in the interest of
14:43maintaining the integrity of book club i motion that we kick joey out who seconds
14:50come on he didn't read the book neither did i me neither i shot a movie there was a movie
14:56did anyone here read the book you put too much pressure on us michael a book a week it's just
15:04really gotten very stressful how is reading stressful reading is fun it's fine okay okay let's uh turn
15:13this into a hostage situation if you want me to leave i will no you know what i'm just gonna go
15:26okay it's almost time for the big premiere it made popcorn nice place oh who's a knockout in the
15:37tiara oh that's my sister nancy she was queen of the rose parade you're cute but maybe you shouldn't
15:43stand next to her in family pictures yeah that's what my mom says i really appreciate you helping me out
15:52i mean i know i mess with you sometimes but it's just for fun oh yeah that is fun
16:00so this is actually kind of nice being friendly maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a
16:06week i physically can't oh my god it's on
16:13george cooney i would wear him down to a nub
16:15yeah i would have bunches of sex with him oh my god i think that's jessica's husband getting out of
16:25the limo oh my god this is exciting oh there she is oh wow she actually looks really good uh uh not
16:32that i'm surprised i mean when i said actually i didn't mean what what's wrong she took it down what
16:41that wasn't the style i gave she must have taken it out in the limo she hated it
16:49i can't believe this oh i'm so sorry i knew when i walked in there i was out of my league but i
16:57spent two hours trying to fake it oh no um they're there
17:03i can't believe i ever thought i could do this i just don't fit in with rich people they look down
17:10on me they always have and they always will with their grammar and their leg crossing
17:18hey don't be saying that girlfriend
17:24okay look i grew up with money and i don't look down on you
17:28if anything i envy you oh come on it's true i wish i were as strong and as confident as you
17:35and if it were me i would be more than happy to have you do my hair
17:41really you mean that absolutely
17:46so can we do it right now now oh now seems so soon
17:52look michael it's joey i know you're mad but i hope you come home soon so we can talk about how
18:03you're feeling and work this out and also if you get a chance to pick up some tacos or something on your
18:08way home that'd be great hey look uh i know you're upset because jane liked me all right but i hope you
18:24know i would never come between you and a girl all right and i really did not mean for that to happen
18:30no i know you didn't that's the problem
18:37what
18:40it's gonna happen whether you try or not you know anytime i actually get a girl and bring her home
18:44she'll take one look at you and she'll forget i'm even here hey come on give yourself some credit
18:50michael you have so many gifts that i don't have you're really smart people respect your opinion about
18:57stuff that's a great thing maybe you know i'd still rather have your gifts
19:06yeah me too
19:10but believe me you are on your way to big things okay because you're only going to get better with
19:16girls and stuff but i'll always suck at math you know in like five years you are going to be a force
19:23to be reckoned with yeah in five years you'll be 40.
19:36you get a lot of your mother in you don't you
19:41okay ladies and gentlemen modeling an original gina tribbiani hairstyle called the nice and nasty
19:47i'll give you alex garrett whoa now that's a neighbor
19:58come on get your camera i want to get some pictures you look so different i can't believe
20:03you own an outfit that's slutty hey that's mine i wear that to church
20:10you're very nice to be such a good sport can i tell you something i love it
20:14i feel like julia robertson pretty woman you know she was a hooker right yes i have to go look at
20:24myself in the mirror again oh joey i've got great news oh did i get that commercial no i bought a horse
20:39joey come on i gotta get to school oh hi i'm michael
20:48have a seat joey i completely forgot there's a residual check for you in the accounting department
20:59why don't you go grab it all right okay i'll be right back i'll be right back
21:09so michael how do you feel about full frontal nudity
21:21i'm not an actor oh yes i know
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