- 3 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Five minutes, everybody.
00:03Okay, who's ready to put on a show?
00:06Oh.
00:08Oh, that's the spirit.
00:10How could you do this to me?
00:12Why did you book me here?
00:14L.A., what were you thinking?
00:16They're all out there, the biggest names in Hollywood,
00:18with their knives drawn.
00:19What if they hate me?
00:20Sweetheart.
00:21They're gonna hate me.
00:22Darling, they're gonna love me.
00:23Look at me.
00:24My pants are too tight.
00:25My heels are too high.
00:26My ears are clogged.
00:27I can't hear you.
00:28Your lips are moving.
00:29What?
00:30What?
00:31Darling, do you want something to sit on your stomach?
00:34Yes, I do.
00:35Cheetos.
00:36No, no.
00:37No, no, no.
00:38Put it down, honey.
00:39I haven't eaten all day.
00:40Sweetheart, you had three pork chops and a pineapple in the car.
00:43Just for energy.
00:45Break a leg, babe.
00:47Oscar.
00:48What, what?
00:49Oscar.
00:50No, I have to go talk to the band.
00:51No, just do the circle with me.
00:52What circle?
00:53The pre-show circle of love and positivity.
00:55Oh, God, all right, all right.
00:56All right.
00:57Oh, dear Lord in heaven, bless me and my show.
00:59Please let the Imodium kick in before I make my answers.
01:03Please don't put any celebrities in the front row where I can feel their thinly veiled resentment.
01:08Please let the band be sober.
01:10And for God's sake, please let the show come down before Popeyes closes.
01:14Amen.
01:15Yes.
01:16Amen.
01:17Hey, Mom.
01:18Oh, sweetheart.
01:19Oh, you knew I'd be nervous when you came to support me.
01:23Come on.
01:24You'll be great.
01:25Anyway, Herbie wants a picture with you.
01:27Herbie?
01:28Oh, is this your date?
01:31Yeah.
01:32Wow, gee, I can't tell you what an honor this is.
01:34I have all your albums.
01:35I've seen all your movies.
01:37Really, I'm your biggest fan.
01:38Oh, isn't that sweet?
01:40He's gay.
01:42Dad!
01:43Oh, what?
01:44What did I say?
01:46Okay, honey, what is it tonight?
01:48Supremely overconfident or riddled with anxiety?
01:51How did I get this far?
01:53I have no talent.
01:54Relax.
01:55Okay.
01:56You're a pro.
01:57You've been doing this for 30 years.
01:5930 years?
02:01You're right.
02:02I'm a relic.
02:03I'm ancient.
02:04You could teach me in one of your classes.
02:06You know what?
02:07You go right out there and you tell them, I'm retiring.
02:08Tell them I'm drunk.
02:09Tell them I'm full.
02:10Then I can go to rehab and I can stage a great big comeback.
02:13Except I don't want to come back.
02:15I want to quit.
02:16Why won't you let me quit?
02:19Fine, so quit.
02:21You want me to quit?
02:23How can I quit?
02:25This is all I know.
02:26This is who I am.
02:27This is what I do.
02:28You might as well ask the fish not to swim and the birds not to fly.
02:30So don't quit.
02:31I have no intention.
02:32Good.
02:33Now go knock them dead.
02:35Farewell.
02:36Then it's a good day to die.
02:38I'm happy.
02:39I haven't yet.
02:40I've been a special one.
02:41You've got a good day.
02:42You've got to have friends.
02:43You've got to have friends.
02:44I've got to have friends.
02:47You've got to have friends.
02:48You've got to have friends.
02:50You've got to have friends to make that day last long.
02:53To make that day last for my eyes and friends for this song
02:59Someone came and took them away and left the dust till the dawn
03:06Da-da-da-da Friends
03:20Connie? Connie, what's wrong?
03:23I just saw Patti LaBelle. She's got a chicken leg
03:27Where'd she get that?
03:29From a chicken? What's the matter with you?
03:31I'm starving! Young man!
03:33Can I go home now?
03:35No, you can't. The mayor wants to have his picture taken with you and a bag of garbage
03:39When did I become the queen of compost?
03:42It was your idea
03:44Yeah, that's your excuse for all my ideas
03:46Oh, young man!
03:48Listen, do me a favor and go find my purse, would you?
03:50I think I still have a fat burger in there
03:52Yes, I think you do
03:54Oh, I'm not even gonna try
04:00Danny!
04:01Hey, babe! Great show!
04:02Oh, thank you!
04:03Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
04:06You were the best! It was so great!
04:08I'm a dentist!
04:12How you been? What you been up to?
04:13Oh, I'm gonna do a new TV series
04:15You're kidding!
04:16Oh, that's fantastic!
04:17Oh my God, those shoes are fabulous!
04:19My shoes?
04:20Oh, they're wonderful!
04:24Yeah, well anyway, I was gonna call you because I thought it would be great if you did a guest spot on my show
04:29Really?
04:30Really?
04:31Yeah, yeah, there's a part in it that you're perfect for
04:33Sounds interesting, we'll talk
04:34Yeah, I'll send you a script tomorrow
04:35And then we'll talk
04:36Then you do it?
04:37And then we'll talk
04:38That's good, okay, I called him
04:39All I had to do was ask you
04:40You're my girl, eh?
04:41Ugh, Pamela Lee have you no shame!
04:48Take the damn plate
04:49I look like the last 20 minutes of For the Boys
05:08You look pretty good to me
05:10All right, baby, what's it gonna be tonight?
05:12Lady or the Tramp?
05:16Honey, you've been away for two months
05:18At this point a hefty bag would do it
05:21You know what?
05:22Forget it
05:23I'm beat
05:24And my stomach, oh my goodness
05:27You know, it wouldn't kill DeVito to put a couple of vegetables on his plate
05:34You gonna do his show or what?
05:35Oh, I don't know
05:37I love him, but I just don't know if I should do TV
05:43You did Seinfeld
05:44Oh, but that was Seinfeld
05:48But really, if I keep taking these guest spots, pretty soon I'll have my own series
05:54And then I might just as well kill myself
06:00You know, I wouldn't mind a little tramp
06:03Ooh, wifely duties
06:07Mine is a wide and heavy load
06:10I can't tell you how many nights on the road I long to look into your eyes and say
06:18Darling, I'm hungry, I'm tired
06:20Feed me, hold me, make me happy
06:24Isn't that from The Rose?
06:28No!
06:29Yes
06:30You know, that scene right after you call your mother in the phone
06:32Okay, okay
06:36You know, I was nominated for that
06:37Here we go
06:38Sally feel my ass
06:43Oh, you know, I miss you when you're away
06:45Really?
06:46Mm-hmm, go figure
06:47You know, I miss you too
06:50I'm so torn
06:52I mean, I love you, I love the road
06:55But I have to be brutally honest
06:56I'm 35, I can't go on forever
07:00But tonight, I'm so happy to be home
07:03And I'm so happy to be in my own bed
07:06And I'm so, so pleased you want me for your little tramp
07:10Roy?
07:13Roy?
07:15Roy?
07:27Roy?
07:35And now, back to Norma Ray
07:40Good morning, sweetie
07:45Hiya
07:46She up yet?
07:47We're in a frying bacon next door with the windows open
07:51Give her a minute
07:55I thought we said no TV at breakfast
07:57No, no, no, no, that was me, I turned it on
07:59Just wanted to see if there was anything about the concert last night
08:02Hey, Oscar, good morning
08:03What are you doing here?
08:04We've got to run over some stuff for that benefit tomorrow
08:07Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
08:08The Divine Miss M wound up her tour here in Los Angeles
08:11Among the star-studded crowd, Mr. Danny DeVito in the audience
08:15And here now this morning, enjoy the show, Danny
08:17Oh, she's a goddess
08:19There is a mention of the two of you in today's Variety
08:22Your new television series and Bette making a guest appearance
08:26Kind of a romantic chemistry, is she gonna play your love interest?
08:29Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Bette plays my mother
08:37Give me this, just give me this
08:39Where, where, where
08:40Oh!
08:41DeVito says neato, Bette's my mom
08:45Okay
08:46Okay
08:48What about the TV?
08:49She didn't see it
08:50But what if she did see it?
08:51She saw it, she saw it
08:52We're all adults
08:53We will handle it
08:54Not to worry
08:55There we go
09:08Hi, hon, how are you feeling?
09:09Like a fossil in heels
09:13Well, I have to get to school
09:14I'll give you a ride
09:15Oh, good lord, these aren't my shoes
09:22Oh, Connie
09:24I know
09:25Oh, Connie, Connie, Connie
09:27I know, I know, I know
09:29I'm a lifetime movie
09:30I know
09:31What?
09:32Remember that time we had cramps?
09:34We watched that thing with Michelle Lee
09:37Where she fell asleep at the wheel
09:39And they had to reconstruct her face
09:41And they made her look just like Michelle Lee
09:43Only nobody recognized her
09:44Because she was Michelle Lee before
09:45Only now she was Michelle Lee
09:47And then
09:49Oh, wait a minute
09:50It wasn't Michelle Lee at all
09:51It was Joan Van Ark
09:54Which one of them was on Knott's Landing?
09:55Both of them
09:56Oh, then I have no idea
09:59But the point is, she looked fabulous
10:01And I'm calling her plastic surgeon
10:03Why?
10:04Why not?
10:05Oh, honey, you don't need it
10:06Oh, Connie
10:08Dear, sweet Connie
10:09Get your head out of my tuchus
10:10And hand me the card
10:11And hand me the card
10:14Ma'am?
10:18Hello?
10:19Yes, I'd like to make an appointment
10:20To see Dr. B. Dre
10:22Today?
10:25Three months?
10:26Oh, my God
10:27My chin will have skid marks
10:30Please?
10:31Oh, please
10:32Please, it's an emergency
10:34A share-sized emergency
10:36Oh, thank you
10:38Ten o'clock, yes
10:39My name?
10:41Oh, uh, Connie Randolph
10:42What? Me?
10:44Can't say it's for me
10:45It'll be all over town in five minutes
10:46I guess you're right
10:47Besides, it's so much more believable
10:49If we say it's for you
10:50You
10:57Primony
10:58You could serve a Seder on those things
11:02Hey, remember that old Cosmo test
11:03To see if you were perky enough?
11:05Where you stuck a pencil under your breast
11:06See if it drops to the floor?
11:07The very same
11:08Hand me one of them things
11:09Oh, all right
11:21Thank you so much
11:23Wait a doggone minute
11:26Miss Randolph?
11:27Yes?
11:28Hello, I'm Dr. B. Dre
11:29Oh, hello
11:32Have a seat
11:33Let's take a look
11:34Hmm
11:37Oh, now you've frightened her
11:39Oh, Connie, you're trembling like a leaf
11:40Put your head between your legs, darling
11:42Breathe, breathe
11:44Quiet from Dios, Connie
11:47She has an irrational fear of all things medical
11:50Her mother was jilted by a podiatrist
11:52But say, let's not waste the appointment
11:54As long as we're here
11:55How about hypothetically you give me an estimate?
11:58What exactly were you thinking?
11:59Well...
12:00Excuse me, do you mind if I take some notes?
12:01Oh, oh, no, not at all
12:13So, what did you have in mind?
12:15Oh, nothing drastic
12:16You know, a little in here
12:17A little out there
12:18Up, down, lift, tuck
12:19You know
12:20Remember when they redid Disneyland?
12:23Fine
12:24Just to give you some idea
12:26Starting with the ground floor
12:28Uh-huh
12:29Ground floor
12:30Pull this in a little
12:31A little more
12:32A little more
12:33A little more
12:34Okay
12:35Doctor, I just wanna look good, not whistle
12:38And moving upstairs
12:42Careful, Doc
12:43These girls are half my act
12:49Pull this back
12:53This
12:54Ooh
12:55Gee, I... I look so surprised
13:06And the mouth
13:07Hmm
13:08Well, there you have it
13:12What do you think?
13:13I'm a goddess
13:14Wow, it must be so killer having her as your mom
13:27Trust me, that's just her act
13:29In real life, she's like anybody else's mom
13:31Hey!
13:32Sup, Miss Girl Woman?
13:35Oh, God
13:36Hey, girlfriend
13:38Can I get a what-what?
13:40Yeah, what are you wearing?
13:41And what are you doing here?
13:43I just thought we could maybe, like, hang?
13:46Look, Mom, we're...
13:47Please!
13:48Don't call me Mom
13:49We're pals
13:50Call me Bet
13:51No!
13:52I'll call you Bet
13:53Beat it, Herbie
13:54You got it, Bet
13:55Listen
13:56You don't think this outfit's a little too young for me, do you?
14:00Yes
14:01Me either
14:02So, what are the kids eating these days?
14:04Pizza?
14:05Yeah, Mom, pizza's pretty happening
14:06I heard that
14:08See?
14:09Isn't it cool to have a mom who's more like a bud?
14:12So I did a little break dance in front of your friends
14:14What the big?
14:19Yo, Oscar
14:20Sup?
14:25I think I've figured out that Gershwin medley for the benefit tomorrow
14:28Gershwin
14:29Fe
14:31Excuse me
14:32Well, he's fine for what he does
14:33I just think maybe we should branch out a little bit
14:36To what, he asked fearfully?
14:38Oh, I don't know
14:39Something a little more now
14:40A little more with it
14:41A little more me
14:42Anthrax
14:44Hole
14:45Kid Rock
14:46Kid Rock?
14:47Yeah, Kid Rock
14:48Don't you think it's a good idea?
14:49No
14:50Me too
14:52How about this one?
14:53And he just says
14:54Ba-Di-Da-B
14:55Ba-
14:57Ba-
14:58Ba-
14:59Ba-
15:00Ba-
15:01Ba-
15:02Ba-
15:03Ba-
15:03Ba-
15:16Ba-
15:17Ba-
15:18Ba-
15:19Ba-
15:20You know, I went to Juilliard.
15:22Yeah, once.
15:25On a date.
15:27And!
15:28Ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-diggie-diggie-diggie says the boogie says up jump the boogie.
15:33Again!
15:34Ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-a-diggie-diggie says the boogie said up jump the boogie.
15:38Again!
15:39Ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-a-diggie-diggie-diggie.
15:42Wait just a damn minute! How many more?
15:44Four.
15:45Oh, my God!
15:46Well, change that chord or something, would you? It's awful.
15:49And!
15:50Ba-ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-diggie-diggie-diggie said the boogie said up jump the boogie.
15:56Ba-ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-diggie-diggie-diggie says the boogie says up jump the boogie.
16:01Ba-ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-diggie-diggie-diggie says the boogie says up jump the boogie.
16:06Ha!
16:07Ba-ba-ba-ba-dang-a-dang-diggie-diggie-diggie says the boogie says up jump the boogie.
16:11Up jump the boogie.
16:12Jump the boogie woogie.
16:13boogie-woogie, boeta, boeta, bang-a-tang, I took the boogie-woogie now.
16:27All right, I'm officially declaring this Danny DeVito thing a crisis.
16:31I mean, if this were an island, we'd all be lashing ourselves to a palm tree.
16:35Somebody's got to go up there and tell her to knock it off.
16:38All right.
16:40What... what on earth are you doing?
16:42Trying to outrun my ass.
16:47Right, OK, well, I've just come in to say one thing, and you're not going to like it,
16:51but you're damn well going to listen. Do you understand?
16:53Yes.
16:57Oh, I love America.
16:59I do, I do. I'm crazy about this country.
17:01Didn't think I would be, but here I am.
17:03Yes, I love your people and your ball games and your Bill of Rights.
17:08Love your Bill of Rights.
17:10Because I can speak, I can assemble, and I don't have to incriminate myself, which is lovely.
17:19Anyway, I just wanted you to know that, and now you do. So...
17:24So don't you forget it!
17:28OK, listen to me.
17:30I have been your manager for how long, and we have been friends way longer than that.
17:34If I can't be honest with you, who can?
17:36Which is why, and I don't say this as godmother to your only child,
17:41nor do I hold a grudge that you introduce my first husband to his first husband.
17:45Through it all. The ups, the downs, the good times, the bad times.
17:50Here we are. Here we are right now, and I just have to tell you.
17:53What?
17:56There's cake in the fridge.
18:00Well, it wasn't pretty, but it needed to be said.
18:03That's it. Get in there, close the deal.
18:09You two are so full of crap.
18:15You know, when I was a kid, we lived at the bottom of a hill.
18:18And every day I would look up there and I would say,
18:20Boy, I bet it would take a hundred years to climb that hill.
18:23What is the matter with you all? Am I the only sane one around here?
18:30Don't you want to know what's on top of the hill?
18:32No.
18:46What the hell is this contraption?
18:48It's Swedish.
18:49Yeah, how much does it cost?
18:51It's Swedish.
18:54Look, all the glamour of a leather bar without the two drinks minimum.
19:00Why are you letting this Danny DeVito thing get to you?
19:03What Danny DeVito thing?
19:05What are you talking about?
19:06What are you talking about?
19:08This, you, today, the doctor's office, the mall.
19:12Where is all this coming from?
19:13Where do you think it's coming from?
19:15You fell asleep on me.
19:17When?
19:18Think back.
19:19Last night.
19:20All tramped up and nowhere to go.
19:25Oh, jeez.
19:26Is that what all this is about?
19:27Oh, it's a good story.
19:29Heard it a million times.
19:30Go out on the road.
19:31Come back and find your life blown away like dust and weed.
19:35Hey, that's from Beaches.
19:36No, it ain't.
19:37I made it up myself.
19:41See, poetry is my business.
19:44Let me get this straight.
19:47I fall asleep and you decide that means you're old?
19:50Well, what else could it mean?
19:53Well, maybe I'm old.
19:54Maybe I was tired.
19:59Maybe I have a mistress.
20:01You have a mistress?
20:02No.
20:03It's Sally Field, isn't it?
20:04No.
20:06Get me off this thing.
20:07I've been looking for an excuse to kill her for 20 years.
20:11I'm coming for you, Gidget.
20:12All right.
20:13I'm gonna tell you about the hill.
20:14Oh, my God.
20:15Yeah.
20:16Anything but the hill.
20:18So, it's Christmas.
20:19And I get on my new bicycle and I start pedaling up the hill.
20:22But it's icy and my legs hurt and...
20:26You know, I'm huffing and I'm huffing and I'm gonna get up that hill.
20:31But I keep slipping...
20:36I keep slipping back and I keep falling down.
20:41But you know what?
20:44I get to the top of the hill.
20:47And?
20:49And it was still easier than a day with you.
20:55But it was worth it.
20:58Because it was the most incredible, beautiful view I'd ever seen.
21:04That's just great.
21:06So I'm the hill.
21:08No.
21:09You're the view.
21:12Oh.
21:14But you couldn't even stay awake long enough to kiss me goodnight.
21:18Oh, honey, I've been kissing you for 15 years.
21:22So what?
21:24Are you done?
21:27You want me to kiss you?
21:29Come here, I'll kiss you cross-eyed.
21:31Mm-hmm.
21:32Baby, you're the greatest.
21:33Isn't that from the Honeymooners?
21:34Mm-hmm.
21:35Mm-hmm.
21:36Baby, you're the greatest.
21:37Isn't that from the Honeymooners?
21:39In time, the Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble, they're only made of clay. But our love is here to stay.
21:56Mm-hmm.
21:57Mm-hmm.
21:58Mm-hmm.
21:59Mm-hmm.
22:00Mm-hmm.
22:01Mm-hmm.
22:02Mm-hmm.
22:03Come on, everybody.
22:04Grubs on.
22:05Honey?
22:06Yeah?
22:07What Danny DeVito thing?
22:08Mm-hmm.
22:09Mm-hmm.
22:10Mm-hmm.
22:11Mm-hmm.
22:12Mm-hmm.
22:13Mm-hmm.
22:14Come on, everybody.
22:15Grubs on.
22:20Honey?
22:21Yeah?
22:22What Danny DeVito thing?
22:39Is anything about me?
22:46Yeah?
22:48We're not going down.
22:52Nobody is but Jaguar.
22:55Yeah?
22:56accord ш dozo!
22:59G�ute pelvic floor!
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