- 1 week ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh
00:19Disgusting more wonderful
00:26Hey morning roomie
00:28so
00:30Tell me about last night. What about it? I heard a girl's voice coming from your bedroom. Oh
00:36Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that. Come on stud. Oh, she's still here. Wow
00:43Somebody's really taken to the bachelor life
00:49Yeah
00:51Good morning, Joey you spent the night in his room. Please tell me she didn't sleep in your bed
00:56I slept on the floor. Don't worry. I thought everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy like you
01:01That was one drawing I did
01:04What are you doing here? Well two in the morning? I realized Michael didn't have his white noise machine
01:08So I brought it over. He can't sleep without his sounds of the jungle. That's why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys
01:15Wait a minute if joy didn't let you in. How did you get in last night mom? I let myself in you have a key
01:22Yes, I made one for emergencies when you turn down that hit show. It was a very dark time for you
01:27I thought you might do something drastic. I wasn't gonna kill myself. Really didn't even think about it
01:32Mom, maybe you shouldn't have a key. I mean the whole reason for this move is so I could have some independence
01:39Yeah, I don't know how comfortable I am with you just coming over whenever you want. I mean, what if I have a girl over?
01:44Yeah, what if I have one? Will you stop being silly? We're trying to have a conversation
01:49Fine if it's such a big deal you can have the stupid key back
01:52That was too easy you have another one good job Nancy Drew
02:03How many more do you have we can do this all day
02:22?
02:33?
02:35?
02:38?
02:44?
02:45Hey, Alex.
02:47Hey. Look at you, all dressed for work.
02:49Hello.
02:51You know, I played a lawyer once, yeah.
02:53I object. No further questions.
02:55How can this be a jury of his peers
02:57when five of the jurors are androids?
02:59So the movie's in the future?
03:01No, no, this was like three years ago.
03:03Oh, my.
03:05Say, I hate to bother you with this,
03:07but my husband's out of town
03:09and normally I would ask him,
03:11but what do you think looks better with this?
03:13Hair down or hair up?
03:15Uh, definitely up, yeah.
03:17Your hair is nice, but I like it better back
03:19so that I can see your face.
03:21Oh.
03:23Yeah, I played a husband once, too.
03:25Okay.
03:27Oh, my God. Another one of these?
03:29What?
03:31A note from the super.
03:33No unsanctioned grills allowed.
03:35Please remove your grill from the patio.
03:37I can't believe this.
03:39How am I supposed to make a hamburger?
03:41Well, you could use a frying pan.
03:43No, just, just don't.
03:45Does everybody get these notes?
03:47Yeah, yeah.
03:48The super's kind of a hard ass.
03:49Oh.
03:50You get a lot of notes?
03:51Me?
03:52No, but I don't do anything wrong.
03:53I'm kind of a good girl.
03:55Oh.
03:56I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing.
04:01Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.
04:03Yeah.
04:04And maybe don't even do it then.
04:06Okay.
04:07Okay.
04:11Gina.
04:12Huh.
04:13Haven't seen you in minutes.
04:15Don't worry.
04:16I'm just about to leave.
04:17I'm not gonna bother you.
04:18Michael!
04:19Your snack is ready!
04:21In a minute!
04:22I'm in the middle of something!
04:24Well, hurry up!
04:25I gotta get going!
04:26I'm so glad I moved out here!
04:33Here's your snack, baby.
04:34I gotta get back to the salon.
04:35Ooh, an hour and a half under the hair dryer.
04:37I hope someone's not dead!
04:42Can you believe her?
04:43She's here all the time.
04:45Yeah, well, she loves you.
04:47Yeah, but it doesn't even feel like I moved out.
04:49I thought living with you, we'd have this crazy single life.
04:52You know, the two of us out meeting girls.
04:55I mean, I know how you are with women.
04:56You do?
04:58Sure, it's the first memory I have of you.
05:00We came to New York for this big family party.
05:02All the girl cousins flocked to you.
05:04I mean, I know nothing ever would have happened with them.
05:06No, not even once before I knew that was wrong.
05:11I guess I just thought if I lived with you, then I'd have a chance to learn a few things.
05:15You know?
05:16Oh.
05:17What?
05:18That's really sweet.
05:19You want to learn stuff from your uncle?
05:21Well, yeah.
05:22That's new for me, you know?
05:23I've never been the one to teach someone something.
05:25I was always the one who...
05:28No, never learned anything either.
05:32So are we up to it?
05:33Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
05:34You came to the right guy.
05:35I have so much knowledge to give.
05:38I mean, you don't really have a dad around, and I don't have any sons.
05:43So we can go to a bar tomorrow night.
05:45Cool.
05:46I've never done that before.
05:48Oh, you'll have a blast.
05:49Yeah, I remember the first time I went to a bar and hit on girls.
05:52Were you my age?
05:53Close to it.
05:54What, like 18?
05:55Eleven.
05:56Oh, I feel so lonely.
06:06Oh, hello, handsome.
06:14Joey.
06:15Hey.
06:16How was school?
06:17Great.
06:18How was...
06:19what you do?
06:22Good information.
06:23I had a really big audition today.
06:24Oh, yeah?
06:25How'd it go?
06:26I don't know.
06:27I got lost.
06:29Oh.
06:30We got some more notes from the super.
06:31Oh, man.
06:32This guy will not leave me alone.
06:34Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard.
06:37Huh.
06:38Yeah, they can.
06:39I did it.
06:40Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire.
06:43Why not?
06:44Uh, maybe because when it's wet, it's see-through.
06:47Hey, how about that?
06:49Yeah.
06:50Hey.
06:51Hey.
06:52Hey.
06:53Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill, so I made you a list of places around
06:57that make good burgers and also a couple of my favorite restaurants.
07:00Oh, yeah.
07:01And there's your pee-pee.
07:06This is great.
07:07Hey, thanks for doing this.
07:08Oh, say, Alex, have you met my nephew, Michael?
07:10Uh, not officially, no.
07:12It's nice to meet you, Michael.
07:13Yeah, golly, yeah.
07:14Uh, ha, hi, wow.
07:18That's clammy.
07:24Hey, why don't you save some of that magic for tonight?
07:27Hey, you know any of these places?
07:32Um...
07:34This is weird.
07:35What?
07:37The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the handwriting on the notes from the Super.
07:40Check it out.
07:41It's the same.
07:42You know what that means?
07:44Alex and the Super had the same handwriting teacher!
07:49Uh, or...
07:51Uh, Alex and the Super!
07:53Or, Alex and the Super have a secret-
07:55No, no.
07:56You had it.
07:57Right?
07:59Wait a second.
08:00Wait a second.
08:01If Alex is the Super, that means she lied to me.
08:05That sucks!
08:09The same handwriting teacher.
08:10Oh, golly.
08:11Hi.
08:12Gee.
08:13Wow.
08:15Okay.
08:16God, it took you forever to get ready.
08:18Just like an hour and a half.
08:19Usually takes Mom, like, two hours.
08:20That is because she is a woman.
08:21Something which you are not.
08:23Well, you look really nice.
08:25I am also not a woman.
08:26We don't do that.
08:27But thanks, yeah.
08:28Okay, come on.
08:29Let's go.
08:30Wait, let me just make sure I got everything.
08:31I got some money.
08:32I got my fake ID.
08:33Oh, uh...
08:34Yeah, these are cool.
08:35Uh, some guys at Caltech made these.
08:36They're impossible to tell apart from the real thing.
08:37But, I did have a lot of money.
08:38I got my fake ID.
08:39Oh, uh...
08:40Yeah, these are cool.
08:41Uh, some guys at Caltech made these.
08:42They're impossible to tell apart from the real thing.
08:43But, I did have a little fun with it.
08:44Check out the name.
08:45Nils Bohr?
08:46The famous physicist.
08:47He developed...
08:48No, thanks.
08:49Nope.
08:50Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher,
08:51I feel like we should talk a little bit about your rap.
08:54Okay?
08:55Okay.
08:56Now, we have to take your greatest weakness,
08:57Aaron Thiel.
08:58Oh, thanks.
08:59Oh, thanks.
09:00Oh, thanks.
09:01Oh, thanks.
09:02Oh, thanks.
09:03Oh, thanks.
09:04Oh, thanks.
09:05Oh, thanks.
09:06Oh, thanks.
09:07Oh, thanks, yeah.
09:08Okay, let me just make sure I got everything.
09:10I got some money.
09:11I got my fake ID.
09:12Oh, thanks.
09:13I got my intelligence.
09:14Then turn that into a strength, okay?
09:16Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?
09:18Uh, I know physics.
09:20No, next.
09:21Uh, I enjoy cubing.
09:22What's cubing?
09:23That's when people share different strategies
09:25to solve Rubik's Cubes.
09:26Eh, next.
09:27Uh, also speed cubing.
09:29Eh, eh, eh, next.
09:31Uh, I'm pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.
09:34That's like stars?
09:36Right.
09:37Yeah, okay.
09:38Yeah, that could work.
09:39Yeah, yeah, okay.
09:40You take a girl outside,
09:42you show her the stars.
09:44Very romantic.
09:45Maybe it gets a little chilly.
09:47You slip your arm around her, huh?
09:49You're starting to feel like another teacher I had.
09:51Yeah.
09:52Uh, he got fired.
09:53Oh, right.
09:54Are you ready?
09:55Yes.
09:56Let's go.
09:57All right.
09:58Hey, guys.
09:59It's me.
10:00What are we gonna do?
10:01She's gonna wanna come with us.
10:02Uh, uh, pretend we're not here.
10:05Hey.
10:08Don't make me use my key.
10:14Hey.
10:15Hey.
10:16Look at you two all dressed up.
10:18Good job.
10:19Where are we going?
10:20Uh, nowhere.
10:21Nowhere.
10:22Just hanging out.
10:23Just a quiet night at home, Ma.
10:24Well, I know you're going out, Michael.
10:25You got your shoulder pads on.
10:29You're not a woman from the 80s.
10:34So?
10:35What's going on?
10:36Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street.
10:39Sounds like fun.
10:40I'm in.
10:41Uh, yeah.
10:42I don't know.
10:43I'm not sure you should come, Mom.
10:45We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls.
10:49Oh, then you definitely want me there.
10:51I happen to be a great wingman.
10:52Remember when I hooked you up with Cousin Marie?
10:54Yeah, thanks a lot.
10:55You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?
11:00What's up?
11:01Come on.
11:02Let's go.
11:03This is gonna be fun.
11:04The three of us out together.
11:05You know, I really think it might be better for the two of us to do this alone.
11:11Oh.
11:13Okay.
11:14I understand.
11:15No.
11:16Well, just for tonight, we can all do something tomorrow.
11:18Yeah.
11:19No, it's fine, really.
11:21I mean, if you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that.
11:24Mom.
11:31I feel terrible.
11:32I know.
11:33I know.
11:34You know, I forget how sensitive she can be.
11:41Oh, my gosh.
11:43And classy.
11:48I say don't you know.
11:51You say you don't know.
11:53I say you don't know.
11:54Okay.
11:55Alright, great.
11:56I'll give you a call.
11:58않는 that is how it's done.
12:02Wow!
12:03You got her number?
12:04That girl was gorgeous.
12:05Yeah, yeah.
12:06She lives in Long Beach.
12:07Where's that?
12:08Uh, you take the 10 to the 4 or 5 of the 710?
12:10Sorry, Betty, it's not to be.
12:13So how do the girls from L.A. compare to the girls from New York?
12:16Uh, well, it's a little early, and I don't want to jinx it,
12:18but they may be trash here.
12:21All right, the first thing you want to do
12:22is find someone you're attracted to, right?
12:24You see anyone you like?
12:25Uh, well, the lady bartender's certainly attractive.
12:28Oh, good eye, good eye.
12:30No chance.
12:32No.
12:33Bartenders get hit on constantly,
12:34so there's a very high level of difficulty.
12:37You, uh, might want to start with that sorority girl over there
12:39whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.
12:42I don't think so.
12:44She doesn't look very smart.
12:45Oh, no.
12:46Maybe you won't co-author a book together.
12:50That girl, she looks, uh, interesting.
12:54Great, okay, go talk to her.
12:57All right, here we go.
12:59You put them back in,
13:01maybe someone here wants a woman from the 80s.
13:04Sorry, we got an anonymous call that you're underage.
13:08I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
13:09You got a call about me?
13:11Well, the woman said to look for the handsome genius
13:12accompanied by the Tony Danza-esque older gentleman.
13:18Gina.
13:19I can't believe this.
13:20Come on, let's go.
13:21I was just about to score.
13:25Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza?
13:28Hey, good enough. Come on.
13:29Hey, guys.
13:40Are all the girls you picked up coming separately?
13:43I can't believe you.
13:44You called the bar?
13:46Why?
13:47Why?
13:47Because you shouldn't have been there.
13:48I never drank alcohol before I was 21.
13:50No.
13:55She's right, yeah.
13:56I just, I, I, I can't, never mind.
14:00No, no, no, no, no, Michael, you're upset.
14:02You tell your mother how you feel.
14:03It's just, okay, I wanted some time away from you
14:06and that, I don't think that's too much to ask.
14:08You ruined my night, Mom, and Joey's,
14:10and that's selfish.
14:11Good, good, you're getting it out.
14:12What else, what else?
14:13I hate that you made me take flute lessons.
14:15Uh, okay, we're going a little wide now.
14:19Let's bring it back.
14:20Bring it back.
14:21I just, I can't believe you couldn't give me
14:23one night on my own.
14:28Look, I'm sorry, but you have to understand,
14:31you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.
14:33Well, then you haven't had my monkey dream.
14:35I was afraid when you moved out,
14:42you wouldn't want me to be a part of your life anymore
14:44and it would just be the two of you
14:45going out and having fun without me
14:46and now that's what's happening.
14:48Hey, Gina, come on now.
14:49I just don't understand why I can't come too.
14:52Aren't I a fun, Mom?
14:53Didn't I buy a case of beer for you and your friends
14:55on your 18th birthday, huh?
14:56Yeah, then you drank it yourself
14:58and heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.
15:03Come on.
15:04Just give me a chance.
15:06Let's try it one night.
15:07It'll be an experiment.
15:09Like the thing you put in the fridge
15:10that Joey ate.
15:11Delicious.
15:14Okay, I guess we could try it.
15:16Plus, I can help you with the women.
15:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:20I'm actually handling that, all right?
15:22I'm kind of his teacher in that area.
15:24That must be a pretty involved course.
15:27How you doing?
15:28How you doing?
15:29How you doing?
15:34Well, worked on every one of your friends.
15:50Hey.
15:51Hey.
15:52I, uh, got another note from the super.
15:55What an idiot.
15:56Spelled unacceptable with two Cs.
16:01That's how you spell unacceptable.
16:03Interesting that you'd know that.
16:04Oh, so how are you?
16:08You doing well?
16:09Yeah, I'm fine.
16:10Really?
16:10Just fine?
16:11You're not great?
16:11Or, say, super?
16:15All right, Joey.
16:15What's up?
16:16I'll tell you what's up.
16:17Your game is over, okay?
16:18You can't fool me.
16:19I know you're the super.
16:20Or his handwriting teacher.
16:24The super?
16:26Where did you even get that?
16:27Okay, enough.
16:28If you don't admit you're the super right now, I'm gonna...
16:31I'm gonna break this chair.
16:33Okay, all right, fine.
16:34I'm the super.
16:35Uh-huh.
16:36Oh!
16:38I am really worked up right now.
16:42Well, now you know.
16:43It's out in the open.
16:44So why did you lie in the first place?
16:45No, I didn't lie.
16:46You never asked me directly, and I just didn't volunteer the information.
16:49Okay, the lawyer logic isn't gonna work with me, all right?
16:52Or any other kind of logic, for that matter.
16:53Look, I didn't tell you I was the super, because I thought we were getting along, okay?
17:01Well, it felt good, because everybody in this building hates me and my stupid notes.
17:06They...
17:07They call me the notesie.
17:12It's not funny!
17:14And the crazy thing is, it's not even my job.
17:17It's my husband's job.
17:18But he's away a lot, so I have to do it.
17:20And if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it well.
17:22So I guess you're just gonna have to go ahead and hate me like everybody else.
17:27Hey.
17:30I don't hate you.
17:33You don't?
17:35You should.
17:37I mean, I leave these annoying notes, and I made you take away your grill.
17:42Yeah, but...
17:44Look, I don't know many people out here, okay?
17:47I mean, I got my family, but they're kind of nuts.
17:51Okay?
17:51I could use someone normal.
17:54And you show a lot of promise.
17:57Really?
17:59That's so nice.
18:00I don't know what to say.
18:02I think I'm gonna cry.
18:04You have got yourself some mood swings.
18:06So, uh, are we good?
18:13Yeah.
18:13Yeah, we're good.
18:17You want to give me another note, don't you?
18:19It's the last one.
18:19I promise.
18:20I mean...
18:21But I didn't...
18:24Oh, yes, I did.
18:25Yep.
18:25This is gonna be great, Michael.
18:34There are lots of cute girls here.
18:36Hmm, except for her.
18:37What a tramp.
18:38That's a mirror, Gina.
18:41I'm not talking about me.
18:46All right, Michael.
18:46First thing we gotta do is pick out some good prospects.
18:49Now, you're gonna want to play the numbers.
18:51What do you mean?
18:52Well, it's important to choose someone
18:54at the same level of hotness as yourself.
18:56You could go two points either way,
18:58but I wouldn't do much more than that.
19:00For example, I'm a nine, okay?
19:03So, I can hit on a seven
19:05or a hypothetical 11.
19:09Okay?
19:10Another option for me is a four and a five.
19:13Okay?
19:14Three threes.
19:16And I wouldn't recommend this.
19:18Nine ones.
19:19Okay, so, what number am I?
19:25Six.
19:27Wow, honest.
19:28Okay.
19:29Okay, all right.
19:30Why don't you start with that seven right over there?
19:31She looks nice.
19:32Well, you can't just send them out.
19:33He doesn't even know what to say.
19:35No, no, no.
19:35We covered that.
19:36Remember, Michael?
19:36Talk about the stars.
19:37Oh, honey, if you're gonna talk about the stars,
19:39I'm gonna have to downgrade you to a four.
19:43You got a better idea?
19:44Yes, I do.
19:46Does this place have a mechanical ball?
19:47Well, women really like to see how a man moves.
19:50All right, yeah.
19:51Mom!
19:53All right, forget the stars, all right?
19:54On to plan B.
19:55The accidental bump.
19:56Ready?
19:58Oh, sorry.
19:59I...
19:59Oh, hi.
20:02Don't listen to him.
20:03You know, I think it'll be easier if you sit here
20:04and I bring you girls.
20:06What do you like?
20:07Big chest?
20:07You know, I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl
20:10and start talking.
20:12Okay, just make sure you're nice to her.
20:14Yeah, but not too nice.
20:15Compliment her.
20:16Ignore her.
20:18Compliment her, then ignore her.
20:19Yeah.
20:21Okay.
20:22Make sure you ask her name.
20:23And then call her a different name.
20:26And make eye contact.
20:27Yeah, but don't stare at her.
20:28You want to seem interested.
20:30But completely bored.
20:32Just be yourself.
20:33No, no, pretend to be somebody else.
20:36Okay, I think I'd like you to leave.
20:38What?
20:39Why?
20:39It's just, it's a lot of advice.
20:41It's putting a lot of pressure on me.
20:42And I think I'll just do better if I'm by myself.
20:46Oh, okay.
20:48Wow.
20:50Okay, I guess we better go.
20:54Damn it, that is me.
21:03I can't believe Michael's still not home yet.
21:05No, it's taken a while.
21:07Think that means he's scored?
21:09No.
21:14I really wanted to help him with this stuff,
21:16but it was hard.
21:18Can I tell you a secret?
21:21He's weird.
21:23Can I tell you a secret?
21:24I know.
21:26This is so different from us.
21:28I mean, can you imagine having trouble
21:30with the opposite sex?
21:31The only thing that ever slowed me down
21:33was that little bastard.
21:36And he's, he's so smart.
21:39Where does he get that from?
21:41I don't know.
21:42I mean, it's like he's some alien
21:43sent from another planet
21:44to make me feel stupid.
21:45Well, I'm here now, okay?
21:48So the dummies outnumber the aliens.
21:53I just, I feel bad, you know?
21:55I'm his uncle.
21:56I really want to help him with something.
21:58And if I can't help him with girls,
22:01I don't know what else I got.
22:02No, you are helping him.
22:03I mean, he's out on a Saturday night.
22:05Normally, he'd be at the library studying.
22:08Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library,
22:09I am going to kill him.
22:13Hey!
22:14How'd it go?
22:15I got a phone number
22:17from a solid five.
22:20Hey!
22:21Yo!
22:22All right!
22:23So, you're going to call her?
22:27I think so.
22:28Call her now.
22:29No, no, no.
22:29Wait three days.
22:31Oh, you wanted to know you like her.
22:32No, play hard to get.
22:34Take her to dinner and a movie.
22:35Bring her a slice and some porn.
22:39Joey, that's disgusting.
22:41Worked on all of your friends.
22:42I don't know, Michael.
22:48I think this stars thing could work.
22:50Okay.
22:51I'll give it a shot sometime.
22:53Try it now.
22:56Come on.
22:58Okay.
22:59Well, um...
23:02That's the Perseus cluster.
23:04Okay?
23:04It's one of the most massive objects
23:06in the entire universe.
23:07Kind of makes you feel small, doesn't it?
23:09It does, Michael.
23:10Continue.
23:11Well, it's, uh...
23:15It's 320 million light-years away.
23:18The universe is so vast and empty.
23:21It makes me glad that we have each other.
23:29What are you doing?
23:31I'm a nine!
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46:39
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44:55
21:35
21:39
21:38
45:25
45:13
46:31
45:05
44:42
44:30
45:35
46:02
45:14
44:09
47:03
44:41
44:13
45:29