- 5 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, sorry I'm late.
00:02I was up all night preparing for my lawsuit,
00:04you know, about that allegedly sexist cartoon I put up.
00:07I'm defending myself, so I'd like to announce
00:10that the Drew Carey Legal Defense Fund
00:12is now accepting donations for court costs.
00:15Well, after 20 bucks, you get a front row seat in the courtroom.
00:18After 50 bucks, you get to sit on my lap in the electric chair.
00:21Oh, well, thanks for letting me in your carpool.
00:24Well, we needed another member
00:25since Bergman and Housewares fell off the wagon.
00:28Oh, it's too bad.
00:30I drink beer, but I'm only killing time until my intervention.
00:34We're not alcoholics.
00:36This is the ex-smokers carpool.
00:38Oh, good for you.
00:40How long has it been?
00:41No talking!
00:47Hey!
00:49Gee, sorry.
00:52How's it going back there?
00:55Didn't say no singing.
00:57The only said no talking.
00:59How's it going back there?
01:02I need a piece of nicotine gum.
01:05I have some chiclets, if that'll help me.
01:10Man.
01:12Next week, I'm getting a ride with the alcoholics.
01:14They may not always get to work,
01:15but at least have fun trying.
01:21Oh, Johnson.
01:23Uh, those are candy cigarettes.
01:25That's part of my therapy.
01:26Here, I'll take those.
01:28No, Johnson.
01:29These smell like real cigarettes to me.
01:31Unfiltered, extra tar.
01:32They don't even have a warning label.
01:34Come on, come here.
01:34Come on, come on.
01:36Come on, come on, come on.
01:36Come on, come on, come on.
01:36Come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:37Come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:38Now I'm Mr. Popularity all of a sudden, huh?
01:41Now we're going to do things my way.
01:44Ready?
01:45For Drew's a jolly good fellow.
01:48For Drew's a jolly good fellow.
01:50For Drew's a jolly good fellow.
01:52Big finish, come on.
01:54And so say all of us.
01:57Moon over palm, I'll bring my love to me tonight.
02:01Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.
02:05We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.
02:09Moon over parma tonight.
02:16Hello, Philip.
02:17Yeah, this is Drew Smith from the Cleveland Bar Association.
02:21Yeah, I'm calling all the lawyers to make sure that they're up to snuff on the laws.
02:28So, pop quiz, how would you defend a guy who's being sued by another employee for putting
02:33up a cartoon of a caterpillar and making it with a french fry?
02:37Yeah, yeah, that's the one, uh-huh.
02:40Okay, Maxwell versus Thomas, 71, right, 1971, overturned and appeal, all right, appurtenances
02:47notwithstanding.
02:48Can you spell appurtenances for me?
02:51Oh, wait, I can't keep it, wait.
02:53Listen.
02:54Listen, can you just tell me the name of a good kielbasa, you know, hot dog stand right
02:58by the state court building?
03:00Uh-huh, thanks.
03:01Okay, you pass this time, but just watch it.
03:06Hey.
03:07How's it going, Drew?
03:09Well, after a great deal of legal research, I came up with a strategy.
03:13I got $10,000 and a fake beard in my car.
03:15Anybody want to go to Canada?
03:17I'm never going to win this case.
03:19There's too much to go through.
03:20I can't find anything in those books that'll help me.
03:22How did your research go?
03:23Well, good news.
03:24I did find one case where someone who wasn't a lawyer managed to successfully defend themselves
03:29in court.
03:29Now, it was back in 1692, McIntosh...
03:33McIntosh versus Salem.
03:35Lewis, this wouldn't happen to be a witch trial, would it?
03:38Well, it doesn't specify.
03:39But this McIntosh woman got all her charges dropped by allowing herself to be burned to
03:44death.
03:45So it can be done.
03:48And the bad news?
03:49Freedom of speech protection doesn't apply to cases of sexual harassment.
03:53How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon?
03:56Define sexual harassment for me.
03:57Well, simply put, sexual harassment is any unwelcome sexual advance.
04:02That's every sexual advance I make.
04:06Oh, Drew, I know a lot of women who would find your sexual advance is perfectly welcome.
04:11Oh, yeah?
04:11Give me your best three.
04:13Three?
04:14You want three?
04:16Three?
04:16How about you?
04:17Did you get any dirt on this woman?
04:18Well, I followed her like you said, and I got a lot of pictures.
04:24Okay.
04:25This is some litter I think Nora dropped.
04:29This is a parking meter that ran out right after Nora drove off.
04:34These are some real young kids smoking.
04:37This is a ghetto.
04:39This is hatred.
04:41And this is hunger.
04:44What does any of this have to do with Nora?
04:46Nothing.
04:49I'm sorry, Drew.
04:49I couldn't find anything.
04:51Well, I might as well get this over with.
04:53I need a big favor from you guys.
04:55On the off chance that I lose this case, I want to make sure my assets are protected.
04:58So, Kate, I need you to sign here to take the title to my car.
05:03And, Louis Buddy, I need your signature here to take over the deed to my house.
05:07Oh, I don't know, Drew.
05:09I was hoping my first home might be something a little nicer.
05:18Wow.
05:19Toy of the Month, Salesman of the Year.
05:21This is a very impressive resume, Mr. Schultz.
05:23I just have one last question.
05:26What did you think of that cartoon?
05:29Uh, it's funny.
05:30Very clever.
05:32Well, I just said that because, see, here at Winford Lauder, we just don't want the best salesman.
05:35We want the salesman with the best sense of humor.
05:39People without humor cause trouble.
05:42Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
05:48Ah, but I shouldn't.
05:50Come on, you can tell me.
05:51Oh, it's a bit off color.
05:53I won't tell.
05:55Okay.
05:56Three guys going to a bar, Mr. Schultz.
05:59Uh, priest, a rabbi, and a kraut.
06:04Uh-huh.
06:05I'm sorry, did I say kraut?
06:06I meant a priest, a rabbi, and, uh, Indian.
06:10American Indian or Indian from India?
06:14Both.
06:15Gotcha.
06:18Actually, it was a priest, a rabbi, a kraut, two Indians, three feminists, a dolphin, a gay guy, and a
06:23honky.
06:26Go on.
06:27Mr. Schultz, welcome to Winford Lauder.
06:33Oh, Drew, I've got a little something for you.
06:36Yeah, I got a little something for you, too, but the other one's jammed in the chamber.
06:43You know, I think, uh, I think Hitler's in that joke, too.
06:45Take it easy, pal.
06:46You got the job.
06:48Mimi, is this thing for real?
06:50New company policy.
06:51Any big words you want me to explain?
06:54You can't force people to take down all their personal stuff just because it might offend somebody.
06:58Calendars, religious symbols, personal photographs.
07:00This covers everything.
07:02Not quite.
07:03You're still here.
07:05Oh, like you could throw me out.
07:08I'd like to try.
07:16Wait.
07:17Let me call the Nature Channel so I can get this one on tape.
07:25Hey.
07:26Hey.
07:27Thanks for coming.
07:28Oh, all right.
07:29So, uh, do I look like a lawyer?
07:31Yeah, if you're debating Lincoln.
07:34Well, I think I look good.
07:36I'm hoping the other lawyers wear clam diggers.
07:39You're gonna do great.
07:40I am so proud of you right now, man.
07:43I mean, this is scary as hell.
07:45You're defending yourself against real lawyers knowing next to nothing about the justice system.
07:51And then some judge who's a complete stranger is gonna decide your fate.
07:56Wow.
08:00Oh, those kabasas aren't sitting so good right now.
08:12Mr. Carey, I just, uh, want to wish you good luck before we get started.
08:16I gotta admire somebody with the courage to defend themselves.
08:19Well, you don't need a lawyer when you have truth on your side.
08:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:26That's just God bowling.
08:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:31Uh, I'm screwed.
08:35All rise for the Honorable Judge White.
08:42morning everyone please be seated if the prosecution has an opening statement it may
08:48begin uh before that your honor i'd like to motion that this case be dismissed on the grounds that
08:52it's just another nuisance lawsuit that's wasting taxpayer money and your valuable time which could
08:58be better spent modeling given that this is a case about sexual harassment would you like to
09:06rephrase that mr carey it was the modeling part right uh just don't take that down hey uh stop
09:12typing knock it off i said knock it off the person who types this is an idiot
09:25sit down mr carey thank you you're welcome
09:31your honor the prosecution will present a preponderance of evidence
09:35that the defendant mr drew carey harassed the plaintiff miss nora o'doherty by forcing her
09:41to read offensive material included in a company memo and this led to the creation of a hostile work
09:46environment thank you thank you if the defense has an opening statement you may begin your honor
09:53i will show that this case is completely ridiculous we'll all have a good laugh and then drinks are on
09:57me hey miss bobek would you mind telling us your reaction when you saw the cartoon i thought it was
10:06sexist the french fry was saying no but the caterpillar was forcing her objection your honor the witness is
10:14expressing opinion regarding the gender of the french fry the cartoon doesn't say whether the fry is
10:18female yes but the french fry is being mounted yes but men can be mounted you know some men
10:26sustained
10:27woohoo yeah
10:31sorry your honor it's just you know it's my it's my first objection
10:35no further questions
10:39the defense may cross-examine
10:41uh miss bobek if that is your real name
10:47would you mind telling the court exactly what you told me in the court hallway
10:50right before we started this morning and remember there were witnesses
10:59i said i think you're a disgusting pig and i hate your guts with an all-consuming passion
11:07after that i'd do anything i have to to get you put away after that you four-eyed butt weasel
11:17your honor i'd like you to consider this witness's testimony impeached
11:21and i'd also like to request a 10-minute recess because well that hurt
11:28dr singer in your opinion as a psychiatrist does miss o'doherty suffer from any of the symptoms
11:33commonly associated with being a victim of a hostile workplace
11:35yes she suffers from all of them
11:40no further questions your honor
11:46dr singer would you mind telling us exactly you know what those symptoms are
11:51well uh the victim often suffers a loss of self-esteem
11:54they may feel abused worthless and have difficulty performing their job
11:59that's half the country on a monday
12:02is it possible that she suffered from these symptoms before she saw the cartoon
12:06well it's possible but in light of that cartoon i don't see how it's like dr singer did you even
12:11see the cartoon that offended miss o'doherty yes
12:14well then tell the truth did you find it funny no
12:18really not a little bit not even a chuckle or a smirk
12:20no
12:22well then dr singer just what do you find funny
12:26paulie shore
12:29no further questions your honor
12:33and what was your reaction when you saw the cartoon miss o'doherty
12:37how did it make you feel
12:38i felt harassed
12:42sexually
12:45and it made my workplace feel very hostile
12:49and did this affect your performance on the job
12:52oh not at first but then he put that cartoon up on the wall of his cubicle and i had
12:58to face it
12:58every day i couldn't stop thinking about it i couldn't sleep i couldn't eat
13:08that caterpillar is smiling
13:14your honor i request a short recess this has been very difficult
13:18granted the court will take a 15 minute recess
13:29hey call me crazy but i think we got
13:37damn if i wasn't deep enough already the judge is tough for lawyers a shark
13:41and these suspenders are chafing my nipples
13:48and norah with that crying i mean come on she must have been on ball night rehearsing that
13:52well two can play that game when i testify tomorrow just give me the signal and the tears will pour
13:58tell you crying has gotten me out of fights and speeding tickets and really bad sex
14:02there's a great story behind that one but it's uh it's not flattering
14:07no drew i can make myself sneeze i can vomit at will
14:13listen thanks guys but i don't think it's going to come down to that i mean uh i don't think
14:17things
14:17are going that badly what do you guys think i'm wondering if a lap pool would fit in your backyard
14:23what are you talking about oh drew wanted to protect his assets so he signed his car over to
14:28me and his house over to lewis oh it's just a legal maneuver oswald they're not really getting anything
14:37oh i see you can't give anything to two of your friends while i can't be trusted with nothing
14:46oswald i'd be honored if you took my stereo you can listen to it over my new house
14:52come on i'm not gonna lose i got everything under control
14:57hey drew because of you i had to take down my girls on corvette's calendar
15:02i just want to say i support your right to be a moron all right
15:07i could take him does anyone doubt i could take him no no no
15:14you know if you were half the man she is you wouldn't keep taking this
15:20look jimmy it's been a long day so just back off okay hey drew let me know if you find
15:26any of these
15:27fries attractive i've been waiting to tag this guy since high school through and now that he's
15:32had 30 beers i think i could take him no laws wall just ignore him
15:41my leg fell asleep go ahead i'll watch the table
15:51was mr carey aware of what time we were starting today yes your honor
16:05mr carey would you care to explain this to the court oh it's really just a long story has nothing
16:10to do with the case what are the charges aggravated assault but you know enough about me your honor
16:16i'd like to get things rolling along because i have another hearing in an hour
16:22call your first witness the defense calls miss kate o'brien
16:31sorry we couldn't bail you out man the judge wanted you to cool off for a night in the tank
16:35that's okay oswald jail made me stronger and i learned that which doesn't kill you will
16:39protect you for two cartons of cools mr carey
16:45miss o'brien uh what is your opinion of the defendant's character he's great he's really
16:52sweet and good-natured i'd say he's one of the most wonderful guys in the world really
16:59do you think the defendant is handsome remember you're under oath objection irrelevant
17:05i was just trying to add a little levity your honor i believe that's why you're here in the first
17:09place get on with it uh miss o'brien you work at the winford louder department store were you
17:17offended by that cartoon offended let me tell you something i consider myself to be modest
17:23and old-fashioned but when i saw that cartoon i was peed my pants
17:30hell i was thinking about having that sucker tattooed on my objection
17:35she's your witness mr carey not anymore she ain't you can have her see if she does any better for
17:41you as long as i have known drew i've never heard him tell a dirty joke he's never said a
17:47disparaging
17:48word to a lady he's kind to animals and not just the cute ones and those the defendant give to
17:57charities yes he certainly does i didn't mention that because i didn't want to embarrass him you see
18:03you see he's also the humble most humble man i know and this is your unbiased opinion
18:11you're not being paid nor are you under any financial obligation to the defendant not anymore
18:19no further questions your honor yes no i mean yes could you repeat the question do you swear to tell
18:31the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth you know what no further questions your honor
18:42in summation we've established that miss o'doherty was forced to view the cartoon and has suffered
18:47the indignities of a hostile workplace your honor i know you will award the damages we request i only
18:53hope that will put an end to the trauma thank you the defense may offer its closing argument i think
19:00it's time we see what all the fuss is about oh give me a break your honor this is outrageous
19:09my client
19:10shouldn't have to face this obscenity i ask that she be allowed to leave the courtroom the plaintiff may
19:14be excused
19:18boy was it me or was she dragging this whole place down mr carrie i do not want to hear
19:24another emotional
19:25outburst all right then here's my closing statement this is insane oh here's a joke that won't offend
19:32anybody a person and a person walk into a place there that's it thank you has everyone in this country
19:38lost their sense of humor jeez what are we living in china you know the guy at tanaman square he
19:42wasn't
19:42trying to stop a tank he was trying to tell a funny knock knock joke knock knock who's there a
19:48big ass tank
19:52and in summation lighten up people
19:58the court accepts that as your statement bailiff retrieve the plaintiff for the verdict
20:05what do you think oh yeah i think when you see that little cartoon on a memo it's one thing
20:09but when
20:10you blow it up like that god it's disgusting
20:20i've reached a decision
20:22the court finds that the plaintiff was forced to view material that she considered offensive
20:27oh man mr carrie may i digress for a moment to tell you that the person who did most damage
20:33to your
20:34case was you hey kate was pretty bad at any rate given that the material in question is a cartoon
20:42about
20:43a caterpillar making advances towards a french fry the court finds that this was not so egregious as
20:49to create a hostile workplace and therefore the judgment is for the defendant mr carey case dismissed
21:09hey congratulations you guys didn't have to go to all this trouble oh no trouble at all we didn't get
21:14the idea until you ordered the burger and well the candle's been in this ashtray for weeks how'd you
21:19make a wish buddy i wish that intolerance and censorship be vanquished by the forces of truth justice and
21:26liberty oh now since that'll never happen cindy crawford's in a wool bikini and i'm a moth
21:35you know there's still one thing i'm curious about the the whole plausibility of this confused attraction
21:44thing a caterpillar a french fry now technically this caterpillar should not be aroused because this
21:54french fry is not exuding any pheromones he's headed towards it hey is that another caterpillar i see in
22:02front of me kind of oily but hey the bar's about to close
22:08it's not easy being a crinkle cut french fry all the good fries are either married or gay
22:13look at that the caterpillar's going for it oh all right uh
22:21just me or is anyone else getting turned on
22:29it's just me
22:34we're going bowling so don't lose red soul and moon over parma tonight
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