- 6 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Basketball is war.
00:04To lose is to die.
00:06Last Saturday, we got killed.
00:10I am ashamed to be your coach.
00:14Should we turn in our uniforms?
00:16Should we just give up?
00:17Should we admit we're losers?
00:19Or should we stop the lollygagging
00:21and start playing some basketball?
00:24Now listen up, ladies.
00:26I'm not doing this for my health.
00:27I don't do anything for my health.
00:32I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good.
00:35I got better shorts, shorts you'll never see.
00:40No, I am doing this for the Winford Lauder department store.
00:43And if I'm going to volunteer my time,
00:45I want to see some effort.
00:46I want to see sweat.
00:48I want to see blood.
00:49I want to see someone get hurt.
00:53Do you understand me?
00:55Yeah.
01:00I can't hear you.
01:01Yes, Mr. Curry, sir.
01:05That's better.
01:07Now I'd like you all to say hello to your new assistant coach,
01:10Miss Kate O'Brien.
01:12Hello, Miss O'Brien, sir.
01:17Call me Kate.
01:17Hi.
01:18I used to play basketball, and I used to be ten years old,
01:21so feel free to ask me about anything.
01:23And don't pay attention to Drew.
01:25He's just a big ol' teddy bear.
01:27Kate, don't rub my stomach.
01:29When we're in a business meeting, do I come up to you and honk your breasts?
01:36listen up ladies some of you got a little winded last game so uh we're gonna start this practice
01:41off with 10 laps yes patricia i can't run today i just got my ears pierced and they hurt
01:50i can't run today i just got my ears pierced and they hurt
01:54all right if it hurts that bad why don't you just grab your little dolly and go home
01:59freeze so now you can run get back there
02:06you can all thank patricia here for five more laps
02:11okay and then ice cream at my place and then i've got home movies of drew singing the lead in
02:16pirates
02:17of penzance don't baby him kate they'll be thanking me next friday when they're fighting the enemy
02:22drew we're playing chuck e cheese yeah well we let our guard down for baby gap we all know what
02:28happened there we're gonna win this game with these we're gonna win this game with these
02:34we're gonna kick some chuck e cheese
02:39moon over palm i'll bring my love to me tonight guide her to cleveland underneath your silvery light
02:48we're going bowling so don't lose her insolent moon over parma tonight
03:01drew is it ready yet yeah come on man the bronze game is almost on hey i never made my
03:06mom's beer
03:06chili before and i want to make sure i get this right now it's time for the secret ingredient turn
03:10your
03:16heads
03:16see drew sounds like you just poured your beer in
03:21coming
03:24hey guys hey you remember my sister janet
03:27hi
03:30hey hey look she brought us a kid this is gonna look great in the backyard
03:33and this is my daughter monica whoa someone we know reproduced
03:41so uh janet what are you doing back in town well monica has never seen snow so i decided to
03:46pack
03:46up all our things and move back to cleveland yeah you know uh a lot of people come to cleveland
03:50for
03:50the snow but it's the slush that keeps them here well it's not the only reason the insurance
03:54company she works for is paying her big bucks to relocate yeah the last statistician ran off and
03:59left his wife and their 2.5 kids billy amy and jump well you sure look a lot better than
04:07you did
04:07when you were 15. well things have changed since high school not for me i still look like my high
04:12school yearbook picture well at least you got rid of those dorky glasses you mean his birth control
04:18glasses don't knock them they worked god it's good to see you again i really missed you
04:29so monica ready for some of the infamous uh carry all meat beer chili it's got beef chicken pork and
04:36all the roadkill we could carry i'm a vegetarian so where all the animals we killed to put in here
04:44i've seen videos where they shoot cows in the head with bolt guns sometimes they miss and they
04:48have to keep shooting until a cow dies it's really good hey monica you play basketball i don't
04:57like sports you don't like sports and you don't eat meat why do you get up in the morning you
05:02know
05:02what maybe you don't like sports because you've never been on a team coached by me and drew yeah
05:07monica all the girls love it it's real laid back you know it's just it's just about fun i think
05:12it's
05:12a great idea monica man when i was a kid i was really into sports yeah she won all the
05:16trophies at
05:17summer camp summer camp i forgot about that you guys were really hot and heavy that whole summer yeah she
05:23was
05:23hot and he was heavy game's up oh why don't you girls grab a bunch of napkins and uh me
05:29and the
05:30guys will bring the chili in why'd you guys break up anyway oh she dumped me for a guy with
05:35the bigger canoe
05:39so uh damn it's looking pretty good yeah has a nice kid yeah i like her so uh she seen
05:48anybody true
05:49she's 10 years old i was talking about janet oh well uh actually i'm kind of worried about janet you
06:00know
06:00it's been a couple years since the divorce and i want her to turn into some kooky old lady who
06:04takes
06:04and stray animals and sleeps out of bed a rotting newspaper well how is your mom she's good thanks
06:17okay mimi just uh give me my messages and lay on the insults i'm busy drew there was just this
06:22lengthy
06:22contract from the temp agency i'll take care of it oh all right thanks have a nice day
06:33what did you say you didn't let me finish i was gonna say have a nice day i hope you
06:38swallow your
06:38tongue
06:40no you weren't you were being pleasant and that's where you went wrong give me that number
06:48dear mr carey we appreciate your business blah blah blah
06:53on the occasion of hiring your 100th temp from us please accept these tickets for yourself and two
06:57guests to the rolling stone benefit concert at the rock and roll hall of fame
07:07you're getting stronger i can feel it someday we may be equals until then
07:21joe you're supposed to meet us for lunch in the lobby lewis is still out there wait i have
07:25something in this envelope that's gonna make you guys fall in love with me all over again
07:28who is free saturday night to go see the rolling stones oh no thanks i'm not that big of a
07:35fan
07:36but kate it's it's the rolling stones well name one song of their last album
07:42but it's the rolling stones hey i got a dj job but i may get off early oh yeah how
07:48early well you
07:49never know it's a senior citizen's dance you play records until someone falls
07:54wait a second why don't you ask janet oh she'll never go out with me you know i'm she's a
07:59senior
08:00and i'm a junior come on you know you want to you've always had a crush on her and it's
08:06a good time
08:06you're not seeing anyone please i'm already using that excuse for not exercising come on drew she's
08:12just getting over her divorce she probably wants to ease back into things with a nice stable guy
08:16yeah when you're just getting back on the horse you don't want your first race to be the kentucky
08:19derby yeah what am i the petting zoo you know drew it wouldn't hurt you to get back in the
08:26saddle too
08:27i mean the only other person out there is lisa you can't see her maybe i'm saving myself for it
08:34and this lisa that you like but don't actually see can other people see her is she here now
08:48shut up i can't see her because she works for me well then there's no reason that you shouldn't go
08:54out with janet she's coming off a bad divorce it's a perfect time she doesn't know a lot of people
09:00anymore in cleveland her kid needs a dad she's limping drew you can separate her from the herd
09:08okay talk me into it but if she rejects me who rejects you your sister he's gonna ask her out
09:14no
09:15way why not because you're my best friend can't date my sister how would you like it if i dated
09:22your
09:22mom guys guys guys lewis there's nothing wrong with you're dating your sister drew i think it's
09:28a wonderful idea yeah but what if it doesn't work out if she dumps you it could be really awkward
09:34if you dump her there'll be nobody to comfort her because everyone will be too busy trying to catch
09:39the monkeys that are flying out of my butt
09:52lewis it's just a harmless little date there's there's nothing to get excited about fine ask her
09:57out fall in love get married have a sunset ceremony i see pastels maybe a giant turtle
10:07it'll be just one big drew and janet party and i'll be the mayor of loveland
10:13oh god i hope that doesn't run in the family
10:20thanks for a great night drew yeah first i thought it'd be a problem sitting next to that big speaker
10:26but it turned out okay i think your smoke alarm's going off
10:35no i think it's us
10:39no monica's going to be really upset that she fell asleep and didn't get to say good night to you
10:42yeah well you know i'll see you around yeah well good night all right
11:08what are you doing here uh keeping an eye on the table stay stay
11:19well it's killing me how'd the date go uh we had really great seats you could almost see the angel
11:23of death right behind keith richards not the concert the date oh rotten she was really into
11:30numbers and statistics and pretty much bored me 72 of the time
11:36but monica had a good time me and i showed her around the rock and roll hall of fame and
11:39uh
11:40i even showed her how someone could choke on her own vomit you would think these rock stars would
11:46know the right way to throw up they date models
11:52anyway i think monica and i really hit it off i mean i think she's going to join the basketball
11:56team
11:56and i'm going to take her to the mall next weekend we're going to count fat people
12:00i'm sorry it didn't work out drew you had such a big crush on her yeah and the real shame
12:05is now
12:06i'll never get to see those monkeys fly out of lewis's butt
12:14good afternoon lisa good afternoon drew i'll need those requisition forms this afternoon sure
12:20i'll have them on your desk by five
12:25i cheated on you
12:29you mean there's someone else you're not having a relationship with
12:34who isn't she well she's not you i uh i had a dream about you last night i had a
12:42dream about
12:43you last night you were on fire and i put you out with a big hose
12:52then you turn into my mother and my hands fell off i don't know what it means
12:58it means you shouldn't repeat your dreams to anybody ever i'll need those forms in triplicate
13:04that's not a problem
13:07you know this is crazy we steal these little moments together just to torture ourselves
13:11about this relationship we can't have same time tomorrow you bet
13:17uh i'll be uh i'll be dreaming about you
13:22i'll be dreaming about you too i'm not wearing any underwear
13:29you're gonna have to work on this drew yeah
13:41surprise
13:42holy crap i mean
13:44hi what are you doing well we thought it would be a nice second date if we bought your lunch
13:48at work
13:50oh this is so embarrassing you know i already had a picnic for breakfast
13:55you know drew everything just clicked last night maybe it was fate that brought me back from california
14:01but it's just so weird i haven't thought about you in years and now i can't stop thinking about you
14:06are you sure have you really tried oh you're not getting rid of us that easy look uh maybe this
14:12is the kind of thing we should keep to ourselves i mean not between us i mean you keep it
14:15to yourself
14:16i keep it to myself yeah tuna salad or chicken salad oh this looks good hey look it's the power
14:24rangers
14:25that was tasty all right get out of here nothing more to see show's over let's go
14:32hit it it may not be spring it may not be fall it doesn't matter we're having a ball
14:38do you know why no tell us why it's possible you see like getting down on one knee so say
14:45goodbye
14:46to boohoo and hello to our new friend
14:53thank you
14:56one more time
15:03are you sure chili is good after five days
15:08mine tastes kind of tangy or metallic
15:15it's kind of bubbly i think you've created some sort of chili liqueur
15:23could you guys just help me with my problem here i gotta find a way to tell lewis's sister i'm
15:28not
15:28interested i don't want to hurt her feelings or his hey it was just the first date why don't you
15:32wait
15:32the second or third third date will have an opening act calm what's the gentlest way either of you
15:39ever broke up with somebody oh well i'm really not that good at it there are 43 guys who still
15:44think
15:44i'm going out with them you know i don't get it what is it about me that she finds so
15:50overwhelming
15:50i mean it's not power it's not money it's not looks you've got something better than those things
15:57true what do you have what you know no i don't yeah you do no i don't tell me well
16:07shut up and let
16:08me think of something
16:15hey hey look it's janet's brother lewis you remember good old reasonable lewis
16:21what you doing oh just eating chili you want some i got lots of leftovers
16:25no more chili drew i would have a bowel movement in four days
16:32until that happens i feel i'm a threat to those around me
16:36i guess i was wrong about you and janet i hear you two really hit it off lewis buddy i
16:40don't know
16:40how to break this to you but what are you talking about she's got this whole relationship built
16:44up in her head that doesn't even exist i don't think so drew i think you must have said something
16:48to her to lead her on yeah i think i said something to lead her on i think it was
16:51ginsune height
16:54lewis there's absolutely nothing going on between us nothing yeah right it's like that summer you
16:58made out with her it was 20 years ago we were playing spin the bottle the bottle came between
17:02her and some girl we called one lip guys guys don't fight it's nobody's fault this is insane i mean
17:10look what's happening here this is exactly what i didn't want because of my sister i'm arguing with my
17:15best friend drew carey come here drew no come here no i don't want to come on friend no i'm
17:26afraid
17:32if you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you not even your glasses remember i'm a
17:39janitor i know how to dispose of things instead of threat you want me to sing it to you
17:51well he's just a little excited i'll reason with him at the wedding
18:05that was very good but didn't we agree that when you come up on the right hand side of the
18:09basket
18:10you'd use your right hand i can't use my right hand today's backwards and my right hand is my left
18:16pretty cocky for someone under 50 pounds aren't you all right five push-ups
18:21this breaks it's your fault you should listen to drew you should shut up hey okay hey 15 push-ups
18:28why should i have to do 15 push-ups when i bet you can do one shut up i bet
18:33he can do 50 push-ups who
18:35is paying you to kiss his butt well at least his butt is prettier than your face all right that's
18:44it everybody hit the showers come on let's go true true trust me you've ensured your place in many
18:52future therapy sessions try to relax would you buddy you can go too now monica no i think i should
19:00run
19:00some laps i got a little winded during our third hour practice yesterday hey coach oh you look good
19:07in shorts oh hey i do a step workout you know step to the refrigerator step to the couch repeat
19:14sounds like monica doing oh great just uh you know a little excitable that's all sometimes she gets
19:19carried away what'd she do oh nothing specifically it's just that you know she just got in a fist fight
19:23defending my physical fitness that's not choosing your battles too wisely no she likes you i like her i
19:28love kids i'm great with them see you monday you know there are a lot of different ways to approach
19:37a relationship 99 of the people would choose a long slow courtship let's take it slow let's get to know
19:45each other then there's that one percent that just cut through all that crap and say you want to get
19:49married yeah look this is really hard to say especially since i've never been on this side of
19:58the conversation before but here goes you're a really nice guy and it's not the haircut
20:07but i don't think it's going to work out i'm sorry it was the picnic wasn't it
20:13well it wasn't just the picnic i mean we hardly even know each other i don't know what to say
20:19drew
20:19i realized i was moving kind of fast and that there wasn't a lot of chemistry between us but
20:24thought eventually we could grow into each other my days of shooting for the moon are over i mean
20:30there's nothing wrong with settling you're taking this really well it's too bad all the stats said that
20:39you would have been the perfect father really yeah very stable according to the charts at our
20:45company odds are you'd stay in your same job for the next 15 years really and you would never cheat
20:51on me because you're destined to have only one more sexual partner really and you'd be there for monica
20:58at least until she finishes college and then we get a divorce heart attack all right we'll tell monica
21:10so i guess this qualifies as our first dinner day yeah this is great driving around beautiful night
21:17stars are out you can eat these fries that fell in the bottom of the bag here let me feed
21:22them to you
21:24watch your fingers
21:28man i'm glad we found a way to work this out yeah how else we gonna be able to spend
21:32time together
21:34oh i'm sorry i must have dozed off oh my god it's been two hours what kind of a carpool
21:41is this
21:41and why is there a fry in my hair oh you know we got stuck in traffic and then there
21:47was all that
21:47construction plus you know the sobriety checkpoint drew got nervous and said i'm drunk it didn't help
21:54it you said you were being held hostage and your dead mother was in the back seat
21:58oh please i know what's going on i've been doing frank and footwear for years
22:05well uh this is me oh i'll uh i'll walk you to the door wait a minute i won't live
22:12long enough for
22:13you to walk her to the door fine i guess i uh i'll turn out to see you tomorrow not
22:18unless i don't see
22:19you first bye see you tomorrow so you want to get home in a hurry hang on to your teeth
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