- 1 week ago
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FunTranscript
00:01I'm bringing coffee because he likes coffee. It's really sloffy. That rhymes with coffee.
00:23Hey, Larry, what's up? Can I borrow your boom box? Oh, sure. What you need it for? No reason.
00:29I'm not going to do anything bad with it. Do you still have that catapult you built?
00:34Jane's got it. What do you need a catapult for? No reason. See ya.
00:42Did you catch that? Yeah, I thought so, too.
00:48Oh, I'm bringing coffee.
00:51So, uh, what do you think, Counselor? Do I have a case?
00:53Looks like a slam dunk to me.
00:54Good evening. Hi. You slipped and fell on a wet floor? The convenience store owner is liable for that.
01:00Oh, what convenience store?
01:01The Speedy Mart up the street.
01:02Oh, the one owned by that nice couple from Cambodia.
01:06The wife's a riot. She has a great Seinfeld impression.
01:09Where are your suckle?
01:16Do you, um, do you remember what time this was?
01:18Yeah, it was, uh, a little after 2 a.m.
01:20Because that's when they kicked you out of O'Shaughnessy's.
01:22Were you drinking at O'Shaughnessy's?
01:24No, no. I was there for the fine Irish cuisine.
01:29Well, excuse me, but if you were drunk when you fell,
01:32maybe you shouldn't be suing Mr. and Mrs. Verpump.
01:35Mr. Marsh, were you drunk?
01:37Nah, not really. That's why I stopped for a six-pack.
01:41Well, I don't want to judge you here,
01:43but don't you think you share responsibility for slipping and falling?
01:46That's for the court to decide, Dharma.
01:47They'll apportion responsibility.
01:49But, Greg, if Mr. Marsh doesn't assume responsibility for his life,
01:52how is he going to grow as a human being?
01:55She's got you there.
01:58What about your neck? All the pain and suffering?
02:01Now he's got you.
02:05You see?
02:06Sit up straight, head above heart, above hiney.
02:09Good.
02:11Oh, my God. Yeah, there's your problem.
02:19How's that?
02:20Whoa.
02:22That's amazing.
02:24You're welcome.
02:24Just remember, this is temporary.
02:26The real problem is your life,
02:27and as soon as you assume responsibility for it,
02:29you'll be able to change it.
02:31Do you think I drink too much?
02:34Do you think you drink too much?
02:37Yeah.
02:41I should call Mr. Verapong and apologize
02:44for throwing up in his freezer case.
02:47There's a phone in the living room.
02:52Wow.
02:53Now I understand why you love the law.
02:55You really get to help people.
03:17Well, anyway, long story short,
03:19that's why I sleep naked after I play basketball.
03:22Patricia, did I mention that Gregory's in private practice now?
03:26Oh, really?
03:27Mm-hmm.
03:28I'm looking for someone to handle my divorce.
03:30You and Guillermo are getting divorced?
03:33Dumb.
03:33Patricia and Guillermo are not married.
03:36Oh.
03:37So he's not a tennis pro,
03:39he's a tennis pro.
03:41Did he add a hell of a tennis pro?
03:43Big strapping fellow.
03:45Anyway.
03:46Really improved her game,
03:47I noticed right away.
03:50He was a...
03:51An actual tennis pro.
03:53You are a very sexy woman.
03:57Thank you, Guillermo.
03:58And I am a very sexy man.
04:02I'm teaching him English.
04:04Well, bravo.
04:07Mrs. Richfield,
04:08I'd be happy to take a look at your case.
04:10Oh, that would be wonderful.
04:12It's really very cut and dried.
04:14Not one of those divorces with messy emotional issues.
04:17Well, stop by and we'll start the paperwork.
04:20Well, I think this worked out marvelously for everyone.
04:24Especially Ralph Richfield.
04:25He'll be able to get one of those condos down at the marina.
04:30You are a very sexy man.
04:34Thank you, Guillermo.
04:37Let me give you our address and phone number.
04:39Hello?
04:40Am I the only one here concerned that a marriage is ending
04:43and there are no emotional issues?
04:45Yes.
04:48How long were you and Ralph married?
04:5025 years.
04:51Wow.
04:52Where did you meet him?
04:53At a dance.
04:55He asked you to dance?
04:57No, actually, I had to ask him to dance.
05:03He was so shy.
05:05You fell in love with him right there, huh?
05:11Yes.
05:16Okay, well, I guess you won't be needing to dance.
05:21Woo-hoo!
05:23Clean Sheet Day!
05:25Oh, boy, don't you love Clean Sheet Day?
05:27They're all crisp and 100% dog hair-free.
05:33Huh?
05:35That's it?
05:36That's how you celebrate Clean Sheet Day?
05:38You're like the Grinch who stole Clean Sheet Day.
05:42Dharma, I'm reading.
05:46VCR instruction manual?
05:49Uh-huh.
05:52You're mad at me.
05:52I'm not mad.
05:54The veins in your temple are pulsing.
05:55I'm not mad.
05:56Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub.
05:58You want to know what's bothering me?
06:00I will tell you what's bothering me.
06:01Wait!
06:02What's the rule?
06:03Dharma!
06:04We agreed we don't poison the marital bed with arguing.
06:07We're not arguing!
06:09I think we are.
06:12All right.
06:14Okay, go ahead.
06:15I am trying to start a legal practice,
06:17and it's a little difficult when you keep fixing my client's problems.
06:24Okay, so these people who come to you, you don't want to help them?
06:26Of course I want to help them, but, you know, in a court of law,
06:29with motions and maneuvering and a shark-like ferociousness
06:32masked by boyish good looks.
06:36Boy, you've really thought this through, haven't you?
06:39A girl wrote it in my yearbook.
06:42Okay.
06:43I think I get it.
06:45Even though I don't think it's the right kind of help,
06:48I should let you help them.
06:50Yes.
06:51Fine.
06:52I'm sorry.
06:53Don't worry about it.
06:54Okay.
06:56Sorry, I care about people.
06:57All right, get up.
06:58What?
06:58What did I say?
06:59What?
07:02I care about people.
07:03I care a lot.
07:04That's why I got into the law.
07:06I use the law to protect people.
07:08I know you do, honey.
07:09That was a snide comment.
07:10I apologize.
07:14I really respect and admire what you do.
07:22But you have to admit, Greg, in an ideal world, we wouldn't need lawyers.
07:26Get up.
07:30Larry, please come to bed.
07:32He's got to pay.
07:33Good neighbors don't resolve their disputes with violence.
07:36I'm not using violence.
07:37I'm using Ted Nugent.
07:43Please don't pass.
07:45You're being a child.
07:47He's started.
07:51I have missed me.
07:57Hey.
07:58Dharma, I have a client coming over any minute.
08:01I know.
08:02I promise not to be here, but I have to wait for the shower because Pete and Jane are using
08:05it.
08:05Why?
08:06Because they like to have sex in the shower, and their hot water's not working, and it's
08:09really tough for Pete when the cold water hits.
08:11Got it.
08:16It's funny because she says he's fine in the ocean.
08:21Hi.
08:22Mr. Norton, come on in.
08:23This is my wife, Dharma.
08:25Hi.
08:25Nice to meet you.
08:26Nice to meet you, too.
08:27And that is the last you will hear out of me.
08:31I didn't realize you worked out of your home.
08:33Yeah, I have an office down the hall, but some friends of ours are, um, why don't we
08:37just have a seat here?
08:39I'm a little nervous.
08:40There's a lot of money involved.
08:42Understandable.
08:43Um, so, how can I help you?
08:45I want to sue my mother.
08:47Your mother?
08:48See, she forced me to go partners with her in this restaurant.
08:52Forced you?
08:53I can't say no to her, which is why my wife left me.
08:57Anyway, I noticed some discrepancies in the books, so I went into mother's room.
09:02You live with her?
09:04She lives with me.
09:05I see.
09:06In her house.
09:08Anyway, if she needed money, she just could have come to me.
09:12Lord knows, I worship the ground that woman walks on.
09:14You don't need to sue your mother.
09:16You just need to get out of that house and start a life for yourself.
09:19Who knows?
09:19Maybe then your wife will come back to you if you cut the damn apron strings.
09:25But then again, I'm not a lawyer.
09:29It reminds me of mother.
09:34You're gonna be sorry you used all your toilet paper.
09:39Siri, what are you doing?
09:41Nothing.
09:44Hey, thanks for your help, good buddy.
09:46I'll take it from here.
09:49Oh, no.
10:00Uh-oh.
10:02Larry, you're cleaning this up.
10:05Why?
10:06It's your goat.
10:10You sure you want to do this?
10:12It was so much fun having you work at home.
10:14Yeah, it was fun for me too.
10:16Um, but I think that this will project a more professional image.
10:25Cute secretary, does she type?
10:27I have to share a bathroom at the dance studio across the hall.
10:29It's only a problem after juice break.
10:31All right, well, I just hope this isn't because of me.
10:34Absolutely not.
10:35I just need a quiet place without distractions.
10:39Uh, there's somebody, somebody in there, honey.
10:46Maybe it's a little bit because of you.
10:50Wow.
10:52These are some really crappy offices.
10:56Did you watch your mouth in front of the ballerina, Pete?
10:59I saw her.
10:59That's why I said crappy.
11:02What can I do for you, Pete?
11:03I need a lawyer.
11:05You are a lawyer.
11:07I'm a crappy lawyer.
11:10Why do you need a lawyer?
11:12Nothing in our apartment is working.
11:14I want to sue the landlord.
11:15What?
11:16You're going to sue Mrs. Spinoza, Pete?
11:18She's such a sweet old lady.
11:20You promised.
11:22Yes, I did.
11:22I'm sorry.
11:24Go ahead, Pete.
11:25Anyway, you know, she won't return any of our calls,
11:27so I want to sue her for $1.3 million.
11:33How did you arrive at that figure?
11:35Well, the stove doesn't work, so we've had to eat out a lot,
11:38you know, and took cabs.
11:40I tipped big, you know that.
11:42And the terrible emotional damages.
11:45That's the .3.
11:46I mean, you know how humiliating it is
11:47when you're trying to do it in the shower
11:49and the cold water hits you.
11:50Stop.
11:52Pete, I'm going to refer you to one of my esteemed colleagues.
11:55You want me to get a lawyer out of the Yellow Pages?
11:58Or a plumber or a psychiatrist, whatever you need.
12:01Wait a minute.
12:01Pete's not going to be one of your clients?
12:03Can I have him?
12:04Sure, but you have to keep him outside.
12:07Hey, let's come on, Petey.
12:13Juice break.
12:17You sure you don't want some biscotti?
12:20I can't eat them.
12:22Maybe when I can afford new teeth.
12:24Dunk them, you old crybaby.
12:27Now fix our shower.
12:29Jane, that is no way to talk.
12:31No, no, she's right.
12:33I promised to fix the shower.
12:35I called the plumber, but he no call back.
12:38What about the stove?
12:39The stove hasn't worked for three months.
12:41Oh, that's terrible.
12:43I cook for you.
12:45What time you eat dinner?
12:47Like 6, 6.30.
12:48Pete, we left 100 messages on your machine.
12:52You never call us back.
12:53I'm sorry.
12:55I don't know how to work at that phone machine.
12:58You press the damn button is how.
13:01Sophia, this is a primo.
13:04I'd be a little late.
13:05I have to pick up my new glasses,
13:06and then I hop on the cable car,
13:08and I'm coming home to you.
13:10My poor primo.
13:13They gave him the wrong glasses.
13:15And when the cabler car come,
13:18he up too soon.
13:20That message is all I have left of him.
13:23Yeah?
13:24Well, if you don't fix our stuff,
13:26I erase the set.
13:27Okay, no.
13:29Nobody is erasing anybody.
13:31Now, why don't you let me handle this?
13:32Hey, uh, Mrs. Spinoza,
13:33were you going to bring dinner over,
13:35or should we come back later?
13:36He don't.
13:40Oh, primo, why you leave me?
13:43Oh, okay.
13:46Come, come, come.
13:47Sit down.
13:48Sit down.
13:49Do you want some tea?
13:52Okay.
13:54Sugar?
13:55Just a little.
13:56All right.
14:00A little more.
14:04A little more.
14:07That's too much.
14:10Okay.
14:13Here we go.
14:14That's too full.
14:17Sorry.
14:21What's that?
14:24You know what?
14:24This will be mine.
14:26Now, listen.
14:27I know we can handle this without a lawsuit.
14:30Oh, I hope so.
14:31But Pete and Jane are not the only tenants
14:33in the building who are having a problem.
14:35I know.
14:36I'm a terrible landlady.
14:38Oh, don't say that.
14:40It's true.
14:42It's just that there's so much repairs
14:44and no money to fix.
14:46Well, let's talk about that.
14:48When was the last time you've raised the rent?
14:50Oh, you people are like my own children.
14:53I no can tell anybody I raise the rent.
14:57Well, you don't have to.
14:58I'll tell them.
14:59You do that for me?
15:00Absolutely.
15:01Is there anything else you need?
15:05This is too cold.
15:10Hey.
15:11Oh, hi, Larry.
15:12Come on in.
15:13Well, well, well.
15:16Very fancy.
15:17Thanks.
15:19Desk?
15:20Chair?
15:21You got a copying machine?
15:23Right over there?
15:23Right.
15:30What are you doing?
15:31Get off of there.
15:32Hey, hey, hold on.
15:33I just need a couple of pictures
15:34to paste in my neighbor's window.
15:37I come right in here.
15:40Whoa.
15:40I can't believe you let strangers
15:42sit on your toilet.
15:45It's hard to believe.
15:46Um, just out of curiosity,
15:47did your neighbor ask for these pictures?
15:50You bet he did.
15:51He destroyed my property,
15:52vandalized my home,
15:54sprayed water in Abby's face.
15:56Oh, my God, why?
15:57Craig, who knows why crazy people do things.
16:02Have you considered taking legal action?
16:04What do you mean?
16:05Well, we could get a restraining order
16:06on him, for starters,
16:06and then, uh, you know,
16:07maybe sue him for damages.
16:09You think I have a case?
16:10Absolutely.
16:11All right.
16:12Let's do it.
16:17Here.
16:19Take a picture.
16:20It'll last longer.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Mrs. Spinoza?
16:29Be right there.
16:31Okay.
16:31I brought you a list
16:32of all the stuff
16:33that needs to be repaired.
16:34I fixed some of the things myself,
16:35but you're still gonna need
16:37a, uh, plumber
16:38and electrician
16:39and someone from the zoo,
16:40because I think we've got
16:41some kind of super rats
16:42living in the basement.
16:43I swear one asked me
16:44for a cigarette.
16:46That sounds terrible.
16:49Good luck.
16:51What do you mean, good luck?
16:54Uh, those are the last two.
16:57Here's a stupid question.
16:58Going somewhere?
16:59I'm going on a cruise.
17:02Really?
17:03I thought you were broke.
17:04I was,
17:05but then a beautiful angel
17:08raised everybody's rent.
17:12What about everything
17:14that needs to be repaired
17:14in the building?
17:16Uh, no.
17:19What do you mean, no?
17:21I thought about it,
17:23and then I decide
17:24a cruise would be
17:26a lot more fun.
17:29But I promised
17:30all of the tenants
17:31that everything
17:31would be taken care of.
17:33Madonna,
17:34they're going to be
17:35mad at you.
17:38No.
17:42Hey,
17:43I guess we'll talk about
17:44everything when you get back.
17:46You are coming back, right?
17:48Am I just a big dope?
17:53Over the zinnias,
17:55through the shrubs,
17:57look out, hot tub.
17:59Here it comes.
18:02It worked!
18:03It worked!
18:04What's going on?
18:06You want to know
18:06what's going on?
18:07I'll tell you what's going on.
18:08That jackass counter-sued me.
18:10That's okay.
18:10I expected that.
18:11We'll still win.
18:12You haven't done anything.
18:15You didn't do anything,
18:16did you, Larry?
18:18I want to talk to my lawyer
18:19before I say anything.
18:20I am your lawyer.
18:22What is that thing?
18:23Who said it was a catapult?
18:26Larry, have you seen
18:27my laundry soap?
18:28What do you mean?
18:29I mean, I bought
18:30a 20-pound box of laundry soap
18:31from the co-op
18:32and I can't find it.
18:34I'm sure it'll turn up.
18:36Larry, 20 pounds
18:37of laundry soap
18:38doesn't just fly away.
18:39It might.
18:40We don't know that.
18:42Am I missing something here?
18:44Please tell me
18:45you didn't catapult
18:46the laundry soap
18:47into your uncle's backyard.
18:49Uncle?
18:49You didn't tell me
18:50that your neighbor
18:51was your uncle?
18:51He's my uncle.
18:52And he flooded
18:53my Y2K shelter.
18:54You have a Y2K shelter?
18:55Not anymore.
18:56You flooded your shelter
18:57because you tapped
18:58into his phone line.
18:59How can it be
19:00his phone line
19:00when it was
19:01in my backyard?
19:02Why did you tap
19:03into his phone line?
19:03I wanted a phone
19:05in my shelter.
19:05I can't believe
19:06you didn't tell me
19:07any of this.
19:08You seem so excited
19:09about having a case.
19:11I didn't want
19:11to ruin it for you.
19:17So what's our next move?
19:42Why didn't you answer
19:43the phone?
19:44Because it's just
19:44another death threat
19:45from one of our neighbors.
19:46Why do you have
19:47soap on your shoes?
19:48I was over at your folks.
19:49I met your great-uncle Herb.
19:51Oh.
19:52He doesn't like your father.
19:54Yeah, that goes way back.
19:56I can't believe
19:57I'm going to take up
19:57the court's time
19:58because two bucketheads
19:59can't talk to each other.
20:01Yeah, well,
20:01at least you're not
20:02Grandma Geppetto's
20:03little sucker puppet.
20:10Can I interest you
20:12in a tenant-landlord case
20:13that requires
20:14some shark-like
20:14ferociousness?
20:15Sure.
20:16How about a long-standing
20:16family feud
20:17between a couple of lunatics?
20:18Oh, I love these.
20:19Come on,
20:20we'll get started
20:20in the morning.
20:21Okay.
20:29There she is!
20:31There she is!
20:33It's for you!
20:34It's a marino!
20:38Calm down, calm down.
20:43You want a sewer?
20:45Yeah!
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