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00:00Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where everything could be settled with a handshake?
00:04Hi, I'm Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
00:07Maybe someday it will be that simple.
00:09But until then, if you have a legitimate legal problem,
00:12you need an honest, reputable advocate.
00:15Someone you can trust.
00:20You may never need me, but aren't you glad to know I'm here?
00:24I know I am. Whoa!
00:26Oh!
00:28Let's take it to your last line, Mr. McGillie.
00:33And action.
00:38You may never need me, but aren't you glad to know I'm here?
00:46Oh, he's not going to do the whole thing?
00:50But aren't you glad to know I'm here?
00:53I know I am. Oh!
00:54Could I just say yam?
00:57I think I'm hungry. I probably said that because I think I'm hungry.
01:01But aren't you glad to know I'm here?
01:03I know I am.
01:05I know.
01:07I am.
01:11Oh, what's the line?
01:13Yam!
01:16I know I am.
01:17Yes!
01:18Oh! Oh, you didn't say cut then.
01:20But aren't you glad to know I am here?
01:22Ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:23He said yam!
01:26But aren't you glad to know...
01:29...I'm here?
01:31I'm sorry.
01:32I'm sorry.
01:33I'm sorry.
01:34I really am.
01:56You may never need me, but aren't you glad to know I'm here?
01:59I know.
02:00I know I am.
02:01Yes! Take 26. Nailed it.
02:03Ow!
02:05Well, uh...
02:07What'd you think?
02:08Gregory, how could you do this to me?
02:10Sorry, exactly what did I do to you?
02:12I don't even know where to begin.
02:14I just... I... Edward?
02:18Well...
02:18We have done everything for you!
02:21We sent you to the finest schools.
02:23You could have been anything you wanted to be.
02:24And here you are, selling yourself on television like some sort of a... magic mop.
02:30Okay. Dad?
02:32Well...
02:33You see? You've broken your father's heart.
02:35Just because he did a commercial?
02:37I... I agree with Edward.
02:39Advertising causes desire.
02:41Desire causes discontent.
02:43And discontent causes suffering.
02:45Therefore, the cause of all suffering...
02:47...is advertising.
02:50And war and disease.
02:53I'm sorry, Greg.
02:55I think you're encouraging people to litigate the same way gun commercials encourage them to shoot each other.
03:00There are no gun commercials.
03:02Small victory.
03:04And bullets.
03:05Bullets cause suffering.
03:08Hold on a second.
03:09Don't you think I know that most of the lawyers that advertise on television are sleazy ambulance chasers?
03:15But why can't a lawyer with integrity show people that there's another choice out there?
03:19So that when someone's being oppressed by injustice, Larry, they can call me for help.
03:24And maybe I'll make a little money doing that.
03:26Unless there's something wrong with the free market system, Dad.
03:29Well...
03:30Soon that phone is gonna ring.
03:31And at the other end is gonna be someone who really needs my help and has nowhere else to turn.
03:39Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.
03:45Whoa.
03:46Freaky.
03:48Let me.
03:49Let me.
03:51Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
03:53How may I direct your call?
03:56Please hold.
03:56I'll see if he's in.
03:58Pa, pa, pa.
04:02Thank you for calling.
04:05Your call is very important to us.
04:07And will be answered in the order in which it...
04:09Uh, Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
04:12Oh, yes.
04:13The commercial.
04:15Thank you very much.
04:17How can I help you?
04:19Mm-hmm.
04:20Um.
04:21Dharma, it's for you.
04:23They, they, they, they want you to be in their commercial.
04:28Hello?
04:29Oh, thank you.
04:31Yes, it was my first commercial.
04:34No, I don't have an agent.
04:36But I do have a lawyer.
04:38I'm gonna have you talk to him.
04:41They liked my work.
04:44I can't believe I'm gonna be in a beer commercial.
04:47Listen, Dharma, we need to talk about how to handle these negotiations before these guys come in.
04:51Anaconda Ale.
04:52The being that squeezes the life out of you.
04:57Come on, be serious.
04:59There's a lot of money involved here.
05:01Anaconda Ale.
05:02Hide your pets.
05:03Shh.
05:06Are you done?
05:08Sadly, yes.
05:10Okay, now listen.
05:11When, ooh, when your loved ones say,
05:13A, A, reach for Anaconda Ale.
05:19Now, in family size.
05:25Done.
05:26While we're here, I'm not your husband, I'm your lawyer,
05:29which means you have to trust me to handle the negotiations.
05:31I trust you completely.
05:32They're gonna want to get you for nothing,
05:34and I want to get you the best deal possible,
05:35so there might be a lot of back and forth,
05:37it might get a little heated.
05:38Are you trying to turn me on?
05:40Just let me do the talking.
05:42These, these, these TV ad guys can be pretty slick.
05:44Because you are.
05:46Hi-ya!
05:47I am so sorry we kept you wearing.
05:49It's my fault.
05:50I was on the phone with my mom.
05:52It's her birthday.
05:54Pretty slick.
05:55Hi.
05:55I'm Greg Montgomery.
05:56This is my client, Dharma.
05:58Montgomery.
05:59No relation.
06:00I'm Jay, and this is Adam.
06:02This is very exciting.
06:04We have been killing ourselves
06:05trying to find the right woman to be our spokesperson.
06:08And then yesterday, I turned on the TV,
06:09Channel 63 or something way up there,
06:12and...
06:13I saw your commercial.
06:15And that's why you're here.
06:16Well, maybe we're here.
06:19Or maybe we're running late.
06:23For the sake of argument, let's, uh, say we're here.
06:25What exactly would be the terms?
06:27It's scale payment plus residuals.
06:30Ka-ching!
06:31Darn it.
06:34Maybe ka-ching.
06:35Could be ka-ching.
06:36We'll know when we get here.
06:40I-I think that what my client's saying is, uh,
06:43you've made a nice opening offer.
06:45It's kind of our only offer.
06:47Oh, also, we should ask if you're okay working with, uh,
06:50a six-foot snake.
06:52A six-foot snake?
06:53Like, this just keeps getting better and better.
06:58Excuse us for a moment.
07:01You're-you're making it difficult for me to negotiate.
07:04Great.
07:05I would do this for a box of donuts and a poke in the eye.
07:08I would do this for a box of donuts and a poke in the eye.
07:14We may not be as far apart as I initially thought.
07:27I've been shipwrecked on this island for three weeks.
07:29I didn't know anyone else was here.
07:31If that's so, what can I get you?
07:33You wouldn't happen to have an anaconda ale, would you?
07:36Coming up.
07:41Do you have an opener?
07:42Do I have an opener?
07:45Get it!
07:46Do I have an opener?
08:16Let me know when you're ready for another.
08:28Anaconda Ale.
08:29Hide your pets.
08:32Anaconda Ale.
08:34Anaconda Brewing Company.
08:34Anaconda Wisconsin.
08:36Let's go!
08:38Come around on me, everybody!
08:41Anaconda Ale!
08:42Hide your pets!
08:45Wasn't she great?
08:47That's my girl.
08:48Goodbye.
08:49Excuse me, but what happened to advertising being the root of all evil?
08:53Evil can evil.
08:54My kid's on TV.
08:57So how are you going to spend all that money?
08:59Well, I'd like to do something for the community, you know?
09:02Give something back.
09:03Good for you.
09:04Yeah.
09:04You know that vacant lot down the street?
09:06Yeah.
09:07I'm thinking Ferris wheel.
09:09Whoa!
09:10But first, I'm going to pay back the loan Greg took out for his law commercial.
09:13No, honey, I'll pay back the loan with the money I earned.
09:15Why don't we pay it back with the money I earned?
09:16Because the money you earn is yours.
09:20So what's the money you earn?
09:22That's ours.
09:24Okay, I don't want to rock the boat here, because I think I'm getting a pretty sweet deal.
09:28But can you explain that to me?
09:30Sure, it's simple.
09:31The money you earn is yours, and the money I earn is ours.
09:34Wow, it's so much clearer when you repeat exactly what you just said.
09:39All I'm saying is that I'd be more comfortable paying my bills with the money I earn.
09:45Because I'm a woman?
09:46No, no, it has nothing to do with that.
09:48It's just that the money you earn is your money, and the money I earn is ours.
09:58Hey, Pete, that $500 in my savings account, is that mine or ours?
10:02That's gone.
10:21Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
10:24Yes, I am.
10:25Yes, I'm very happy with my long-distance carrier.
10:29No, I'm not interested in a friends and family package.
10:32Frankly, I'm more in touch with them than I want to be.
10:35Let me ask you a question.
10:36Do you have a reach-out-and-smack-someone program?
10:52Awe!
10:54Awe!
10:56Awe!
10:56Awe!
11:03Awe!
11:23It's not chasing if it's parked.
11:30Hold the door!
11:32Hey, I know you.
11:33You're the guy from the lock commercial.
11:36Mwah!
11:39Good news, I finally got a case.
11:41Oh, honey, that's great.
11:42If I'd known, I would've used tongue.
11:45Anyway, you know how you say the universe provides?
11:47Well, the universe provided a pothole,
11:49and this guy fell in it and broke his foot.
11:50And I just happened to be there.
11:51I didn't have to chase him or anything.
11:53Well, that is good news.
11:55Anyway, I brought you these, Ben.
11:57I wanted you to share in my success.
12:08Hey, hey, hey.
12:09I have some good news, too.
12:10I just got my first paycheck from the commercial.
12:13Please tell me you didn't buy a Ferris wheel.
12:16Oh, no, that was just crazy talk.
12:18Those things are pricey.
12:21But I did get
12:22ski ball, pop a shot, whack-a-mole, and one bumper car.
12:25One bumper car?
12:26Yeah, I'm not sure how much fun that's gonna be.
12:28But I had some money left over, so I bought you a present.
12:32Oh, honey, you didn't have to do that.
12:33Why not?
12:34You bought me these flowers.
12:36Ta-da!
12:40You bought this for me?
12:41Uh-huh.
12:42Biggest one that fit through the door.
12:46I really love these flowers.
12:58Perfect!
13:10Hey, I heard you got a...
13:14Oh, sweet mother of God.
13:27Yeah.
13:29Does it have a good picture?
13:30I don't know.
13:32What are you waiting for?
13:33Let's turn it on.
13:34Let's worship it.
13:36I can't.
13:37Why not?
13:38I don't know.
13:38I just can't.
13:40Oh, okay.
13:43Your wife got you a big gift with her big giant paycheck,
13:47and you're afraid that if you accept it,
13:49then that means you're no longer a real man.
13:51Pete, not now.
13:53Listen, buddy, you're thinking about this all along.
13:56So you're not a real man.
13:58Who cares?
14:02Please go away.
14:04The sweetest two years of my life
14:06was when I was living with that rich old broad down in the marina.
14:09Eating like a king,
14:10driving around town in her Chrysler Imperial.
14:13She used to buy me little outfits.
14:16It's a big deal.
14:17Once a week, you know...
14:18Stop it!
14:21She was a dried up old Gila monster,
14:22but let me tell you something.
14:23She did things young gals will not do.
14:27Come on, turn it on!
14:29No!
14:29Why not?
14:30There's nothing good on!
14:31Who cares if it's good?
14:32It's big!
14:35Pete, please.
14:38All right, man.
14:42Uh...
14:42Let me tell you something
14:43me and the boys used to say around the marina.
14:46If she wants it more than once a week,
14:47you ask for a car.
14:52In your name.
14:55Is he, like, new to it 24-7?
14:58No, actually.
14:59I don't even think he's turned it on.
15:00But, anyway, he's been pretty distracted
15:02with getting his law practice going,
15:04so I thought these would help cheer him up.
15:06Oh!
15:08What'd you get, a port?
15:10Nah, guys don't like to see
15:11an 80-inch diagonal penis in their living room.
15:16Hey.
15:17Where's the new TV?
15:18Uh, I returned it.
15:20What? Why?
15:21It was way too big for the apartment.
15:24So I'll buy you a smaller big one.
15:26No, that's okay.
15:26I don't need you to buy me a TV.
15:28What's that supposed to mean?
15:29It means if I need a TV,
15:31I'll go and buy myself a TV.
15:34Jane, I think you better go.
15:36Uh-oh, Mom and Dad are gonna fly.
15:38Jane.
15:39I'll be at Grandma's.
15:44Dharma, don't make a big deal out of this.
15:46It's just a TV.
15:47That I bought because I love you.
15:49And I thank you very much for it,
15:51but I got you a complete refund,
15:53so now you can spend that money on yourself.
15:55I don't want a refund.
15:56I want to spend the money on you.
15:57And I don't want you to,
15:59so let's just drop it.
16:00No, I'm not gonna drop it.
16:02What about all the presents you bought for me?
16:03Oh, should I go return these earrings
16:05and get a refund so you can...
16:06If you're gonna be childish,
16:07we can't have this coming.
16:08Childish?
16:09Oh!
16:10Jane!
16:11I'm not being childish.
16:13I bought you a present
16:14and you just returned it.
16:16That is the meanest thing you have ever done.
16:19Well, you know what?
16:19Maybe I'm just mean.
16:20Yeah, maybe you are.
16:43Mama.
16:44For a club!
16:48You want to take a whack at me with that thing?
16:52No.
16:56Listen, this...
16:57This isn't about the TV.
16:59The TV is just a symbol of another issue or issues.
17:08Okay.
17:14For the first time in my life, I'm failing.
17:24I thought I could start this practice without any help from anyone.
17:28No referrals from my parents, no money from the trust fund.
17:31And I've fallen flat on my face.
17:34You know, the commercial was a stupid idea.
17:36The only client I have, I actually did have to chase
17:39because the ambulance started to pull away.
17:45Why didn't you tell me any of this?
17:48Because, um, things were going so well for you.
17:51I didn't want to bring you down
17:53and I didn't want you to think you were married to a loser.
17:56Oh, you stupid, stupid mole!
17:59How could you think that I would think that?
18:02I love you!
18:08I know.
18:10I'm sorry.
18:12I understand.
18:15Thank you for telling me all this.
18:20Thank you for letting me.
18:28I can't believe you bought all this stuff.
18:30Well, enjoy it while you can. Tomorrow it's gone.
18:33Why?
18:34I'm trading it all in for a used tilt-a-whirl.
18:40I can't tell you how relieved I am that we got all this out in the open.
18:43Me too.
18:44So you're fine with me having them bring the TV back?
18:47Oh, God, no.
18:48Why not?
18:50Honey, it's just...
18:51Your money is your money.
18:54And my money is our money.
18:57I really am getting this now.
19:01It's supposed to be dumb.
19:04Thanks for understanding.
19:05You're welcome.
19:06Oh, excuse me, can I have the check, please?
19:08What are you doing?
19:09Baby steps.
19:10I'm using a small piece of my money as our money.
19:13No, this is my way of apologizing.
19:16I'll buy dinner.
19:16If you really want to apologize, you'll let me buy you dinner.
19:21I don't see how this is any step towards anything because I have no problem with you buying me dinner.
19:26It's just, you know, dinner.
19:27Good.
19:28I'll take that when you're ready.
19:35Why don't you give me your card and I'll put it in here so we can see it.
19:37Don't touch that check.
19:38I'll take that.ìœ
20:22We all set here?
20:24I'm getting this.
20:28That's my birthday.
20:31Why didn't you say so?
20:33We have a birthday!
20:39No way.
20:43It's not my birthday.
20:45My wife is buying me dinner.
20:47Baby steps.
20:48No big deal.
20:49And if we're fine with it, we certainly don't owe you people an explanation.
20:52Let's go, honey.
20:54We're going now.
20:55That's a decision she's made, and I'm okay with it.
20:59Really.
21:02I think you handled that very well.
21:08Oh, you think dinner's free?
21:14Let me know when you're ready for another.
21:17Let me know when you're ready for another.
21:26That's where he's crawling into my pants.
21:28Yeah, he's up there.
21:28Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:29Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:29Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:29Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:29Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:30Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:30Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:31Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:32Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:32Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:33Oh, you're ready for another one.
21:33Oh, you're ready for another one.
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