- 24 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00What are they doing here?
00:03Can I talk to you?
00:04Yeah, Greg, we can talk.
00:05Because this is officially the Montgomery Finkelstein Weekend of Heal.
00:10Can I talk to you right now?
00:12Love each other, kill each other, tie each other up, and paint each other blue, I don't care.
00:16You are on your own, Greg and I are leaving.
00:40Okay, Dorman, just hit the gas gently and let's see if we can get it rocking.
00:44Okay.
00:46Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
00:50Are you pushing?
00:52Not at the moment.
00:55You know what, you need a break.
00:57Why don't you do this and I'll push.
00:58No.
00:59Why not?
01:00Because if you actually managed to push us out, I could never have sex with you again.
01:08You know, the road's not that far away.
01:14When all this melts in a couple weeks, we'll be able to drive right on up.
01:18There's a plan.
01:21Guess this is a good time for me to apologize for trying to get our parents together.
01:25And driving us off the road.
01:27And whatever else you got, bring it on.
01:29I mean, don't worry about it.
01:32It's all okay.
01:34I guess I should give them a call and let them know where we are.
01:37Are you crazy?
01:38They might come.
01:40All right.
01:42I'll call triple A.
01:43Tell them we're stuck on the corner of snow and tree.
01:51There's no sign of them.
01:54I don't know why you keep checking.
01:56They're not coming back.
01:57Maybe they were afraid they might accidentally break something and get yelled at.
02:02Are you saying it is my fault that they left?
02:05No, Kitty, he's not saying that.
02:08Because our family doesn't indulge in the blame game.
02:12Like you do.
02:14Explain to me how you can take the moral high ground when your idea of communication...
02:18Nobody tells me what moral ground I can be high on.
02:20And I don't want to hear about it.
02:21Oh, knock it off.
02:23The children are right.
02:24We're a bunch of babies.
02:26I'm surprised they didn't hightail it out of here years ago.
02:29Are you saying that we've acted unreasonably?
02:31We have.
02:33And they have.
02:34Well, certainly not on a par.
02:36I don't think there's a clear winner, but hang on to your ticket, Kitty.
02:42Now, the children love each other.
02:44And it looks like we're going to know each other for the rest of our lives.
02:47So let's just figure out how to get along.
02:49We've been carrying stuff around for years.
02:51Let's get it out in the open.
02:56All right.
02:57I'll go first.
02:58Fingal Seam, what the hell is the deal with that ponytail?
03:07I had to go to the top of the hill to get a signal,
03:09but AAA says they'll be here within a couple of hours.
03:12Look, I found Larry's survival kit.
03:158-track tapes.
03:17Space food sticks.
03:18I think I can carbonate the jerky for you.
03:23I'm really sorry about how my parents behaved.
03:26I think their belief that no one can really own property makes them bad house guests.
03:31Well, my parents aren't exactly the best hosts.
03:34You know, they're difficult people to warm up to.
03:35I know I never have.
03:37Every moment of my life was turned into some kind of protest.
03:41The theme for my sixth birthday party was U.S. out of Central America.
03:46Worst gifts.
03:48For my sixth birthday, my parents called me from Tahiti to wish me a happy fifth birthday.
03:55When I pointed this out, my dad tried to convince me it had something to do with the international date
03:59line.
04:00With ice cream, did you get the sugar cone or the seaweed cone?
04:04Uh, well, your parents are definitely out there, but, you know, they were involved.
04:09They were around.
04:10If I had to choose, I'd go with what you had.
04:12You would?
04:13Yeah, I mean, I might skip the foreign policy birthday parties and the homeschooling and the hemp pants, but, uh...
04:19Whoa, hang on.
04:21What's wrong with homeschooling?
04:23Well, you turned out fine, but, you know, we're gonna have a family someday,
04:27and we're gonna have to figure out what's best for our kids.
04:30What exactly is best for our kids?
04:32All I'm saying is that there are good schools, and I'm sure we can find something that you'd be comfortable
04:36with.
04:37And what if we can't?
04:38Well, I'm sure we can send them to one.
04:41A way?
04:43You mean, like, to boarding school?
04:44Hey, I went to boarding school. It's not the worst thing in the world.
04:47Excuse me, aren't you the person who once said boarding school is the worst thing in the world?
04:53My point here is that we should keep our options open.
04:57Except for my option.
04:59Boy, I can't believe you got us stuck in the snow.
05:06Boy, I wish the kids were in here with us.
05:09Oh, to hell with them. They're party poopers.
05:12I know. They have been a little high-strung lately.
05:15One wonders what to do.
05:17One wonders. One wonders.
05:20I love the way you talk, kitten.
05:23Uh-oh. Vinito, finito.
05:26Oh, no. No, I'll get some more.
05:28Where is it?
05:30It's in the room where the wine is.
05:33Barry, let me ask you a question.
05:35All that free love stuff in the 60s, did it really go on, or was it all a lot of
05:40media hype?
05:41It wasn't.
05:42Well, it was a pretty wild time. A lot of parties, a lot of naked bodies. It's all hard to
05:45remember the details.
05:47Yeah.
05:59Captain, what happened?
06:01What is it? What?
06:04Murderers.
06:07Oh, what a relief. I thought you dropped a bottle of wine.
06:14Marlene, the woman that was here from the SEC?
06:17Yeah.
06:18I was writing a follow-up letter about our meeting, and I was thinking about enclosing a little gift.
06:22What size do you think she takes in lingerie?
06:25Look at that page. She's a federal agent.
06:27So you see a federal agent, and I see a woman reaching out for love and affection.
06:32Maybe a black-laced teddy.
06:34Excuse me, you were looking for a Peter Kavanaugh?
06:36That would be me.
06:37Department of Justice?
06:37Yes. Based on information we've received, we're launching an investigation of Montgomery Industries.
06:42I suggest you retain an attorney.
06:49Relax, Pete. They may just be reaching out for love and underwear.
06:56You warm enough?
06:58Yeah.
06:59I think I'm going to turn off the engine for a while.
07:02There's no way to know how much gas we have left without a gas gauge.
07:04Yeah, Larry took it out because he kept getting it confused with the speedometer.
07:10What are you writing?
07:12Come back here. I'll show you.
07:19So, we both got so bent out of shape about the homeschool-private school thing,
07:23I came up with a better way for us to work this stuff out.
07:26What is it?
07:27It's a hat full of parenting problems.
07:30I'll start.
07:33Okay.
07:34Our five-year-old wants to sleep in our bed because he thinks there are ghosts under his bed.
07:40I would let him.
07:41I mean, he may be manipulating us, but it could also be a real ghost.
07:47What would you do?
07:49I don't want to play this game.
07:50Yes, you do.
07:55Okay, here's a good one.
07:56He's 14.
07:57He says he's going to band practice, but then we're doing the laundry and we find a ticket stub to
08:02an R-rated movie.
08:04Well, let's see if I can get the A-track working.
08:07I say we apologize to him for not creating an environment where he's comfortable enough to tell us the truth.
08:13Tell me, you don't apologize to a child who's lied to you.
08:15Yeah, but what was his other choice? We obviously backed him into a corner.
08:18Oh, God, I hope I found that ticket stub accidentally. I hope I wasn't snooping.
08:23That's ridiculous.
08:24Okay, we'll come back to this one.
08:27Oh, he just got caught shoplifting.
08:30That kid's a mess.
08:33Kids shoplift, right?
08:34Not if you punish them when they lie and sneak into R-rated movies.
08:37Is that your solution to everything?
08:39You punish him?
08:40Come on, kids need boundaries.
08:42This probably all started when you let him sleep in our bed after he saw ghosts.
08:46This is good, huh?
08:49Okay.
08:50Uh-oh, Greg, you're probably going to want to sit down for this one.
08:53Now, before I tell you, let me just point out that you got him the goldfish and you got him
08:59the tennis racket.
09:07Oh!
09:09Judas Priest.
09:11How long do you intend to stay out here? You'll catch your death.
09:14Then you can stuff us and mount us on the wall with the rest of our animal brethren.
09:20That would be quite the conversation piece.
09:23I told you we should have opened the cheap stuff.
09:28You know, Ab, it is kind of cold.
09:32Larry, I stood beside you for your protest.
09:35All I'm saying is, what if we jumped back in the hot tub, warmed up a bit, and then if
09:41you still felt this way, we could come right back out here.
09:44What do you think?
09:47Hey, hey, Montgomery, how many deer did you kill today?
09:55Hey, hey, Montgomery, how many deer did you kill today?
10:01He can pierce his eyebrows? You're going to let him pierce his eyebrows?
10:07They're his eyebrows.
10:08When he's 18, they're his eyebrows. Until then, they're my eyebrows.
10:12You let him get a tattoo.
10:13Because he was over 18, and he was in the Navy.
10:16He was only in the Navy because you sent him to military school.
10:19No, it was boarding school, and if you recall, he didn't go because you wanted him to take a year
10:23off to find himself at 14.
10:25Pick another one.
10:26Mom.
10:29Okay, he's 16 years old, he's very much in love, and he wants to borrow the car to drive down
10:35to the beach so he and his girlfriend can lose their virginity together.
10:41He told us this?
10:45He told me he's still mad at you for making him take back that tuba.
10:50Well, no to the car, and the rest of it is his business.
10:53Aren't we going to participate somehow in this amazing, beautiful moment in our child's life?
10:58Karma, believe me, if we participate, it will not be a beautiful moment.
11:03Not if you bring that attitude to the party.
11:05We have a problem here. You don't believe in rules. You don't believe in discipline.
11:08You want this child to wander through his life sleeping with this and piercing that.
11:12This couldn't be a surprise to you.
11:13No, but I figured by the time that we had children, you would come to your... you'd come around.
11:23Well, I kind of thought the same about you.
11:26Dharma, I think that the things that I'm saying are very reasonable.
11:29And I think the things that I'm saying are very reasonable.
11:32No, I can't raise a child like that.
11:33Well, then don't.
11:36What?
11:39I don't think that I can have a child with you.
11:42Dharma.
11:44Dharma.
11:53I'm still gone. It's just cold.
12:01Triple A says we're still looking at another hour.
12:04Big spring storm.
12:06Okay.
12:07I also ran our situation by them, and they said that you shouldn't be so upset that it was just
12:12a silly game.
12:15You know, you actually would have run it by them.
12:18Yeah, because I'm the flaky open one who was homeschooled and has no realistic understanding of how the world works.
12:26I'm sorry.
12:27Don't be sorry for what you believe. It's what you believe.
12:30Look, maybe I was a little unbending in my approach to the game.
12:35Let's try another one.
12:36Let's try another one.
12:38Oh, okay. All right.
12:40This is a good one.
12:41Our son has just finished his third year of law school and announces he intends to join the circus.
12:50Clearly, this is his passion.
12:51He feels very strongly about juggling or trapeze or what have you.
12:57Absolutely.
12:58I would encourage him to join the circus, provided that it is a circus that is animal cruelty free.
13:11We'll never let your son join the circus.
13:14I might.
13:16We should have talked about this a long time ago.
13:21I don't think we can fix this.
13:24We can fix this. We always fix it.
13:32We're out of gas.
13:33Tell me about it.
13:38Abby, if the children come back and you're dead, I'm sure they're going to blame us for it.
13:43Come inside.
13:45Are you ready to meet our demand?
13:47Well, we're not going to take the animal heads off the walls and bury them.
13:51But we will give in on the thermos of hot cocoa.
13:54Oh, goody.
13:56Did you add hot cocoa to the demand list?
14:00Yes.
14:01Because I was outraged.
14:04Abby, please.
14:06I will never let this rest.
14:08We did not even kill those animals.
14:11Well, well, I did kill the moose.
14:13Well, how could you, Edward?
14:15A proud, proud moose.
14:18You pulled out your gun and shot him.
14:21No, no, no, no, no.
14:23He wandered out into Route 6 and I came around the curb and bam.
14:27The thing was a complete mess, but the head was good.
14:32All right.
14:33I am willing to compromise.
14:35Since you are only responsible for the death of the moose, we will end our protest if you agree to
14:42bury the moose.
14:43And bring some of those little marshmallows.
14:49You're never going to get that 8-track working.
14:51It hasn't worked in 20 years.
15:00People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one
15:06And we've just begun
15:08Think I'm gonna have a son
15:11Of course
15:13He will be like a sheep in the ass
15:17Freezing down
15:19Come and see him now
15:21The sun is gonna shine about
15:27Even though we ain't got money
15:30I'm so in love with you, honey
15:33And everything will bring a change of love
15:40And in the morning when I rise
15:43Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
15:47And tell me
15:51Everything's gonna be all right
15:58What are you doing?
15:59Shredding.
16:00Mine's jammed.
16:01Come on, help me.
16:01You can't shred stuff.
16:03Watch CNN.
16:04This is what you do in a situation like this.
16:06What did you say to that woman?
16:07I don't know.
16:08We took some kickbacks.
16:10We did some insider trading.
16:11Why would you say that?
16:13So she'd sleep with me.
16:14I can't believe you're that desperate for sex.
16:18Believe it.
16:19Come on, shred.
16:22Mother Earth, we return to you one of your children.
16:25Or at least its head.
16:28Welcome him home.
16:31Cradle him in your bosom.
16:33Comfort him.
16:36Edward, you knew him.
16:37Best share something with us.
16:39I love it.
16:40Yeah.
16:41The quicker you say it, the quicker we'll be inside.
16:44I just...
16:51This was a moose.
16:53He lived in the woods, and he loved it there.
16:57He, uh, ran around, ate stuff.
17:02Then one day he made the acquaintance of a large German sedan.
17:10Probably had a lady moose in the woods he cared for.
17:15Maybe little ones.
17:17Probably had years ahead of him until I came along.
17:20Bam!
17:24He will be missed.
17:27I'm in.
17:33Should be here soon.
17:35You want me to turn the music back on?
17:36Well, we should probably save the battery.
17:38Yeah.
17:43What?
17:44I was just thinking about the first time I was alone in a car with a girl.
17:49What about it?
17:51Well, I tried to be smooth, put in the seat back.
17:54I broke my little finger.
17:59Ow.
18:00She never knew.
18:01I told her there were tears of joy.
18:05Nice.
18:06You know, all the stuff that we put in the hat, those were all problems.
18:10You know, we didn't put any of the good stuff in.
18:12Like, he just got his first base hit in Little League, and he ran the wrong way.
18:20He waits for Thanksgiving until the whole family's gathered to say his first dirty word loudly and repeatedly.
18:26He just figured out that frozen waffles fit perfectly in the VCR.
18:31He's pretending to be a beagle, and he's chasing cars up and down the street.
18:36He just found someone that he loves more than he ever thought possible.
18:42And he's getting married.
18:44He's getting married.
18:49And what do you think we ought to do now?
18:52What do you want to do?
18:55Let's make a baby.
19:01Now, you're?
19:03Yeah.
19:15Triple A.
19:19We're okay.
19:20Never mind.
19:33All right.
19:34We'll drive you into town, and you can, uh, you can get a bus from there.
19:37Oh, thanks.
19:38You know, I'm sure the kids are back home by now.
19:41They can pick us up when we get there.
19:43It is late.
19:44If you want to stay until morning, that, that would be all right.
19:50You're staying.
19:51I'll get you something to warm you up.
19:54How about some brandy?
19:56Some wine would be nice.
19:58Sure.
19:59I'll see if we have any gallo.
20:08Edward Montgomery?
20:09Yes.
20:10Department of Justice.
20:11What's this about?
20:12We're here to serve you a subpoena for an investigation regarding insider trading and other SEC violations at Montgomery Industries.
20:19Oh, thank God.
20:20I thought it was about the moose.
Comments