- 1 day ago
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FunTranscript
00:06Shall I waste my breath on a list of desserts or do you just want the check?
00:10Just the check.
00:12And some whipped cream to go.
00:21Oh, hey, sir, you dropped your wallet!
00:23Hey!
00:26Sir!
00:26Uh, Dharma?
00:28Dharma!
00:29Stop, please!
00:34Dharma!
00:37Hey!
00:41You got it with my wallet!
00:46Sorry!
00:48Sir!
00:57No!
01:05No!
01:06I don't need to go!
01:08Sorry, are you okay?
01:10Okay.
01:12No!
01:13No!
01:15No!
01:15No!
01:17No!
01:18No!
01:23No!
01:32You dropped your lollies!
01:35Frank, let me go!
01:37What? Why?
01:38Oh, did you steal this?
01:44Darling, darling, they'll take it from here.
01:46Would it have killed you to turn around and tell me you stole it?
01:50Darling, just let it go.
01:51I'm sorry, Greg, but the man was rude.
01:54Forget something?
01:56Oh, I'm sorry.
01:58I'm really sorry.
02:01Here you go.
02:02Thanks. I'll just make an imprint of this on my forehead.
02:06I think he wants cash.
02:07I didn't bring any cash.
02:08That's him! That's the man!
02:11Calm down, sir.
02:12We got your wallet. Thanks to this lady right here.
02:14Oh, thank you so much.
02:16You're welcome.
02:17I'd like to give you a reward.
02:21Here's $40.
02:24Here you go.
02:26Was there something wrong with the service?
02:27Not enough running, perhaps?
02:32You could use another 10.
02:33But we eat there a lot.
02:38I'll be right back with your mints.
03:05I can't believe you ran all that way to return a wallet.
03:07Well, it was no biggie.
03:08We were making out at the restaurant, so I was pretty revved up.
03:11Darma, she doesn't need to know.
03:13Well, why don't I just write this up as a citizen's arrest?
03:16Cool.
03:17Hey, can you put down that I gave Chase and call her the perp?
03:20That's how I'll do it.
03:21Great.
03:23Hey, I have something to ask you.
03:25You and Officer Gorgeous over there?
03:27You got something going on?
03:28What do you mean?
03:30I saw the way he looked at you when you slapped those cuffs on that guy.
03:32Darma, these are very busy people.
03:33Just let them do their job.
03:35One moment, sir.
03:35How did he look at me?
03:36Like he was wishing me you'd put the cuffs on him.
03:39Really?
03:40We've been partners for two years.
03:42He's never even seen me out of this uniform.
03:44Oh, believe me, he has.
03:49Okay, we're all done here.
03:51Listen, if there's anything we can do for you, let us know.
03:54We owe you one.
03:55Can you take a peek at your butt and see if Cupid's arrow is sticking in it?
03:57Oh, thanks very much, all of us.
03:58We should do this again.
03:59Come on, darling.
04:00Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
04:02There is something you can do for me.
04:08Did you know she always wanted to do this?
04:10No, but that's not unusual.
04:18What the hell is she doing?
04:19Oh, that's her mean face.
04:24And the whole time, I'm thinking that he dropped his wallet.
04:28Wow, what an exciting day you had.
04:30She was a hero.
04:31Excuse me, but before we start pinning medals on her,
04:33did anybody stop to think about the real thief?
04:35The one who got away.
04:42Do you know where he's going with this?
04:43I think so, but I don't want to ruin it for you.
04:46The real thief is a system that oppresses individuals
04:50and forces them to steal,
04:52and the police are the unwitting arm of this oppressive system.
04:56Do you people get what I'm saying?
04:59Totally, totally, totally.
05:00Yeah, sure.
05:07So, Abby, I understand you have a birthday coming up.
05:11Any, uh, any special plans?
05:13Oh, no, I don't think so.
05:16Hmm.
05:18Oh.
05:20That reminds me.
05:23Now, now, now what's going on?
05:25Larry and Dharma are planning my surprise birthday party.
05:31Well, shouldn't you be in there?
05:34No, if I rush right in there, Abby's going to get suspicious.
05:37Okay.
05:39Dharma, would you, uh, show me how your sink works?
05:45Sure, Larry.
05:51I never really liked surprise parties myself.
05:53Oh, then you should have Larry throw you one.
05:58Please let me bake the cake.
06:00Why?
06:01Everybody loves my cakes.
06:03Do you remember the cake you cooked for Abby's 40th birthday party?
06:05No.
06:08Neither does anyone else.
06:12Let me bake the cake.
06:14Dharma?
06:14Yeah?
06:15Bill and Ellen are here for you.
06:16Oh, I'll be right there.
06:18Okay, so I'll bake the cake.
06:19You do the guest list.
06:20Right.
06:21Cool.
06:23Let's see.
06:25Eggs.
06:27Flour.
06:29Butter.
06:31Gotta call Dave.
06:33Hi, you guys.
06:35Hi.
06:36Hiya.
06:36Hi.
06:37Ooh.
06:38Bulletproof vest.
06:39Very sexy.
06:40Hi.
06:42We brought you your fake mug shots.
06:44Oh, cool.
06:45Wow.
06:46Ooh, beautiful frame.
06:47Where did you get that?
06:48Uh, we went antiquing.
06:50And we drove down to Carmel.
06:54Carmel?
06:55Did you stay the night?
06:58You have the right to remain silent.
07:02Oh, you did, didn't you?
07:05Dharma, Dharma, don't, don't tease people with guns.
07:11All right, all right, let me handle this.
07:15Anything you found here was found without a warrant and is therefore inadmissible.
07:19Unless you do have a warrant, in which case, we're a house sitting.
07:24It's okay, Larry, these are my friends.
07:27What do you mean, your friends?
07:28They're cops.
07:30Yeah, and they're my friends.
07:32Larry, please don't make a big deal out of this.
07:34I'm not making a big deal out of it.
07:36If she wants to betray the values that I taught her, if she wants to spit in the face of
07:39everything
07:40I stand for, that's not a big deal.
07:42Maybe we should go.
07:43Yeah.
07:44No, no, you know what?
07:45We should probably go.
07:46What's it going to be, Dharma?
07:47The people who raised you, who put a roof over your head for 14 of the 18 years you lived
07:52with us?
07:55Or the enemies of everything they stand for?
07:58Larry, you're wrong about this one.
08:00Bill and Ellen are good people.
08:02Fine.
08:03That's it, then.
08:04Let's go, Abby.
08:09Very nice to meet you.
08:11Remember, peace officer begins with peace.
08:18So you, uh, met Ellen's parents yet?
08:26You believe this?
08:28Two years, I'm driving, and then we start sleeping together.
08:31You know he has to drive.
08:35It's cute.
08:36You're a couple now.
08:38Dharma, how have you been to your dad?
08:40Not so good.
08:41We're not talking.
08:42Anything we can do to help?
08:44Well, do you think you could explain to him that you're not part of a conspiracy to suppress
08:48the masses on behalf of the multinational fascists who secretly ruled the world?
08:53Wow, is that what we do?
08:55No wonder we're so tired at the end of the day.
08:58Oh, I know those guys.
09:00Can we pull them over?
09:01What for?
09:02Just to screw with them.
09:04You got it.
09:08No.
09:09What did you do?
09:10I didn't do anything.
09:13Hey, switch seats with me.
09:15Well, where should I catch a ticket?
09:17Because if I get another one, I'm going to lose my license.
09:20Come on, switch with me.
09:21I don't even have a license.
09:23But then you've got nothing to lose.
09:29Oh, man, are they switching places?
09:31Either that or the little one's trying to throw the big one out of the car.
09:38Attention, seat switchers.
09:40Get out of the car and slowly move to the front of the vehicle.
09:45Last time I let you drive.
09:50This is great.
09:52How do you get any real work done?
09:55Put your hands on your head.
10:00Now put your right leg out.
10:03Now put it back in.
10:06Now put your left leg out.
10:10And shake it all about.
10:15He's, uh, he's still pretty upset, huh?
10:17Well, he's a Taurus, Greg, and his moon's in Capricorn.
10:21I don't need to tell you what that means.
10:23No, no.
10:26You certainly don't.
10:29I'll go talk to him.
10:30You might want to wait until Mercury's out of retrograde.
10:34I'll take my chances.
10:38Hey.
10:40Hey.
10:41What you doing?
10:42Jigsaw puzzle.
10:44Is that Nixon?
10:46Yeah.
10:48Getting on a helicopter after he resigned in disgrace.
10:52I love this puzzle.
10:54Oh, uh, here's, uh, here's, here's somebody's eye.
10:57Yeah, is it shifty?
10:58Uh, looks kind of bloodshot.
11:00Oh, that's Pat's.
11:05Listen, Larry, we, we need to talk about the situation between you and your daughter.
11:08I have no daughter.
11:10Come on, you don't mean that.
11:12Damn right I mean it.
11:18Larry, why is this a problem?
11:19You, you had trouble with me because I worked for the government.
11:22In fact, I think you called me a mindless zombie of the overclass.
11:26Rabbit pitbull of the federales.
11:28Postal workers are mindless zombies of the overclass.
11:32My point is, once you got to know me, you realized I wasn't the enemy.
11:37Why can't you do the same for Dharma's friends?
11:38Because they're the police.
11:40The steel toe are the jackboot of the establishments.
11:43Uh, uh, given.
11:45But, but, uh, the times they are a-changing, right?
11:48Hey, listen to me, Greg.
11:49You weren't there.
11:50You don't know what it was like to protest against an unjust war
11:54and be beaten by sticks and bitten by police dogs
11:57and gassed and tagged and dragged off into jails
12:00because your opinions weren't acceptable.
12:03All that happened to you?
12:04I think so.
12:08I'm pretty sure.
12:12I'm, I'm not gonna change your mind here.
12:15What, what, what about Abby's surprise party?
12:17What about it?
12:18Well, how are you and Dharma gonna work together
12:20if you're not talking to each other?
12:21I don't need to talk to Dharma.
12:23I can throw a party for my old lady all by myself.
12:26Okay.
12:27Well, I guess I better get going.
12:32Tried.
12:33Taurus.
12:37Listen.
12:39Larry, maybe we should call off the party.
12:42Party?
12:43Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
12:46Okay, just tell me you're not gonna make a scene with Dharma.
12:49Hey, I won't make a scene.
12:51I promise you, if anybody ruins your surprise party,
12:53it won't be me.
13:10Dharma!
13:12Hey, check it out.
13:13I'm a menace to society.
13:18I'll, I'll, uh, I'll take it from here, guys.
13:20I, I think she just needs a little tough love.
13:22Ooh.
13:23I promise.
13:27Good work today, guys.
13:29Take care.
13:29See you, buddy.
13:34Good cop, good cop.
13:36Yeah.
13:37Uh, listen, I, I was talking to your dad,
13:40and, and believe it or not,
13:41some of the stuff he said kind of made sense.
13:44It was all wrapped up in bumper stickers and T-shirt slogans,
13:47but, but the guy has been through some stuff.
13:49I know, I know.
13:50I've heard it all my life,
13:51but he's wrong about Bill and Ellen,
13:52and that is all there is to it.
13:53But aren't you the one who's always saying
13:55there is no right and wrong,
13:56it's a duality,
13:57and dualities are an illusion?
13:59How does that apply?
14:01You tell me.
14:02I don't even know what it means.
14:05Thanks so much for taking me to play miniature golf, Greg.
14:09It really made it a special birthday.
14:11Oh, you're certainly welcome, Abby.
14:14It was fun for me as well.
14:17Surprise!
14:19Oh, my goodness!
14:23Larry, I'm gonna get you for this.
14:26You didn't see it coming, did you?
14:30Thanks, everybody.
14:33Where's Darma?
14:34Uh, we should talk about that.
14:36Um, uh, be right back.
14:37Um, she's, uh, she's being pretty stubborn.
14:41Um, so she's not coming?
14:49Surprise!
14:52Oh, jeez, a cracker!
14:54She scared the daylights out of me!
14:57Oh, happy birthday, Abby!
15:00Oh, what's going on?
15:03Darma and Larry are throwing separate parties.
15:05Surprise!
15:09Separate parties?
15:10Only one of which, for the record, was a surprise.
15:13Way to go, living room!
15:14Yes, living room!
15:16Thank you!
15:17Thanks, everybody!
15:19Can I have your attention?
15:20The kitchen party is now serving a delightful 1984 Bordeaux.
15:25And, Greg, your parents are here.
15:30Honey, isn't this a little silly?
15:33Look closer, Abby.
15:34It's insane.
15:36No, it's perfectly reasonable.
15:38Everyone's welcome to go to Larry's party.
15:41They just have to get their hands stamped in order to come back to my party.
15:44Don't be my party.
15:48I'll be right back.
15:50Hold on, Blondie.
15:53You're cool.
15:56This punch is delicious.
15:58You're right.
15:59It does taste a little like punch.
16:05Larry?
16:05Hey, guys.
16:06Hello.
16:08Maybe we should call a truce and have just one party.
16:11So there is another party.
16:12No.
16:13Yes.
16:13Does that one suffer, too?
16:19Come on.
16:19You're being childish.
16:21Let's have just one party for everybody.
16:24Fine.
16:25In the kitchen.
16:26Larry.
16:26We've got punch.
16:27We've got pretzels.
16:29We can make toast.
16:31But I've got birthday cake, Chinese food, and three kinds of pasta in the living room.
16:36Oh.
16:44Come on.
16:45No.
16:48And tell your people not to come crawling to me when they want something toasted.
16:56Is that the punch from Larry's party?
16:58Yes.
16:58Why?
16:59No reason.
17:04Get the camera ready.
17:05We're going to be rich.
17:06You're going to be rich.
17:07You're going to be rich.
17:08You're going to be rich.
17:11Hey.
17:11Hey.
17:12What a surprise.
17:13We were working, but we just wanted to drop by and give this to Dharma's mom.
17:17Dharma told us how much she likes antique quilts.
17:19Hey.
17:20Look who's here.
17:22Hello.
17:22Hello.
17:23Hi.
17:23Hi.
17:24Thanks for inviting us.
17:25Oh, uh, no problem.
17:26Listen, we might have a little bit of a situation here.
17:29Hey.
17:31What the hell are they doing here?
17:32Larry, let's not do this.
17:34No, I want an answer.
17:37I invited them to my party.
17:39You invited them to my house.
17:40And the only way cops come into my house is the regular way, with a warrant and a battering ram.
17:48They're not real cops, Finkelstein.
17:50Come on, officers.
17:51Take it off.
17:52Take it off.
17:57Larry, can we just drop this right now for Abby's sake?
18:01Fine.
18:02Do you want these people in your home?
18:05Well, Larry, they seem so nice.
18:09That's it, then.
18:10My whole family's turned against me.
18:13You got short memories, people.
18:15Well, you know what?
18:16Larry Finkelstein doesn't forget.
18:19I don't forget the cruelty, and the injustice, and the cruelty, and...
18:26Larry?
18:27Dad?
18:28Dad, are you all right?
18:29I can't breathe.
18:30Somebody call an ambulance.
18:31We'll take him in the squad car.
18:33Not the squad car.
18:35Mr. Finkelstein, let us help you.
18:37I'm three.
18:37Ready?
18:38One, two, three.
18:39Passive resistance.
18:41Passive resistance.
18:42Go with your mom and dad.
18:43We'll be right behind you.
18:44You'll never take me alive!
18:48Here!
18:49Take my dress!
18:50It has magical powers!
18:56I'm so sorry, Dad.
18:57I shouldn't have invited Bill and Ellen.
18:59No offense, guys.
19:00It's okay.
19:01I was just being a big jerk.
19:02No, I'm the one who should be sorry.
19:04I've been so pig-headed.
19:06No offense.
19:06That's okay.
19:07I don't want you to just think of me as a man who stood stubbornly by his principles,
19:12but as a compassionate, loving man.
19:14A man who was open to change and who accepted people who were different than himself, even
19:21though they abused and trampled his rights, he will be missed.
19:25Oh, Larry, you're not dying.
19:27Larry Finkelstein was a family man, a good provider.
19:33None of your business, how?
19:35And now...
19:37Oh, Larry!
19:38Dad!
19:39Did I say something?
19:40Please stop breathing.
19:53Is it okay for you to eat that?
19:55Yeah, as long as your mother doesn't find out.
19:57Hey, what's the matter?
19:57Is the boss watching?
19:58Load up the onions.
19:59Oh, jeez.
20:01Hurry?
20:02You called me Dad when you thought I was gonna die.
20:06I know.
20:07It's kind of nice.
20:08You know, if you don't overdo it.
20:10Don't worry.
20:12You'll always be my Larry.
20:16Woo!
20:22Relax, relax.
20:23It's Bill and Ellen.
20:26Hey, Mr. Finkelstein.
20:27How you feeling?
20:28Much better.
20:31Turns out it was gas.
20:33Really.
20:35Hey, can you guys do me a favor?
20:37Sure.
20:37What do you need?
20:38Come on, Larry.
20:39Get in the car.
20:40What?
20:40Trust me.
20:41It'll be worth it.
20:46Edward, are you speeding?
20:48I don't think so.
20:50Well.
20:51You and the Mercedes pull over.
20:53And prepare to be strip searched.
20:56Strip searched?
20:58That's absurd.
21:01Edward, do something.
21:02Here, here, here.
21:03Here's a hundred dollars.
21:04Tuck it in your bra and flirt a little.
21:06I don't know.
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