- 1 day ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01Nunzio, pack.
00:08Good boy.
00:11Hi.
00:12Why do we have a thank you note from the mailman?
00:15Oh, I lent him your razor.
00:18He had a hot lunch date.
00:21Hey, check this out.
00:22Nunzio, pack.
00:27Screw to God, he did it like four times before he walked in.
00:30If I'm not crying, may I ask where Nunzio's going?
00:32San Jose, we're all going.
00:34Greg, pack.
00:36Maybe it's the way I'm saying it?
00:39Why are we going to San Jose?
00:40Because it's the nearest available hotel room.
00:42It's Fleet Week, and so the entire Navy is going to be in San Francisco,
00:45which is really going to throw off the usual sailor-to-cowboy ratio.
00:48Okay, well, that answers most of my questions,
00:50except, uh, why are we going to San Jose?
00:53Oh, you know how we get all those people calling
00:55thinking they're booking a room at a bed-and-breakfast
00:56because some British guy had put in our number by mistake?
00:59Uh, no.
01:01I mean, you've been getting all these people calling
01:03thinking they're booking a room at a bed-and-breakfast
01:05because some British guidebook printed our number by mistake.
01:07So I heard.
01:09So there's this couple, the Coopers,
01:11and they flew in all the way from England.
01:12They called from the airport, so I called the real B&B,
01:14but they're all booked up.
01:15So then I started calling around trying to find them a hotel room,
01:17and the nearest one I could find was in San Jose.
01:19Fleet Week.
01:19Tell me about it.
01:23Well, that must be the Coopers, huh?
01:25They made good time.
01:26Why can't they stay in San Jose?
01:29Honey, it's their 25th wedding anniversary.
01:31Was the song they first danced to called
01:33I Left My Heart in San Jose?
01:34Okay.
01:36Apparently not.
01:39Hello.
01:40Hi.
01:41Welcome to the I Hope You're Not Allergic to Dog Hair Inn.
01:44Oh, that's very good.
01:45Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:48Well, uh, we're the Coopers.
01:50I'm Henry, and this is my wife, Lorraine.
01:53Like the quiche.
01:54But not as rich.
01:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:09Where's he off to?
02:10We don't have a doorman.
02:32It's not a dream.
02:33I'm really sinking.
02:36Come on.
02:37We got to put this way before the Coopers get up.
02:39Ah.
02:40Oh, come on.
02:41You're the one who didn't want to drive down to San Jose
02:43and sleep in a perfectly good bed
02:44that we already paid $59 for.
02:47Sorry.
02:47I thought it would be rude to skip out on the total stranger
02:50staying in our home with our possessions.
02:52All right.
02:52Up and at him.
02:54Come on.
02:54We got to make him breakfast.
02:55Why?
02:56Because, honey, these people are hoping
02:58to stay at a bed and breakfast,
02:59and the least you can do is make them breakfast.
03:01No.
03:02The least you can do is say,
03:04I'm sorry you have the wrong number.
03:05We passed Least You Can Do a Long Time Ago.
03:09Do we have any kippers?
03:10Uh, no.
03:11Uh, the kipper man was late this week.
03:14What are kippers?
03:16Fish.
03:17Huh.
03:18So what's win one for the kipper?
03:22I have no idea.
03:24Let's make waffles.
03:25There's waffle batter in the fridge.
03:27Honey, they are sweet people,
03:29and we are doing a good thing.
03:30I'll make waffles.
03:31And fresh piece of orange juice,
03:32and put parsley on the plate.
03:33I'm not going to put parsley on the plate.
03:36There goes our three-star rating.
03:41Good morning.
03:42How did you guys sleep?
03:44Excellent.
03:44Always do.
03:45He wears earplugs.
03:46What's that?
03:47I said, oh, you.
03:49He gave me that every time.
03:52Guys, you're so cute.
03:54Hey, honey, come out here.
03:55I want you to see how I want us to be in 25 years.
03:57Good morning.
03:58Good morning.
03:58Moistious.
03:59Judging by the colour, I'd say yes.
04:03Lovely.
04:04Is this so freshly squeezed?
04:06Yes, it is.
04:07Oh, dear.
04:09What's wrong?
04:10Oh, it's nothing.
04:11It's nothing.
04:11Could you possibly strain it?
04:14He can't have pulp.
04:15He was born with delicate gums.
04:19The entire family, yeah?
04:22How does the pulp affect his gums?
04:25He's not permitted to floss.
04:28I'm, I'm, I'm very sorry.
04:30One makes two.
04:36Honey, I'm gonna hop in the shower.
04:38Abby's coming to take me to physical therapy.
04:40You're leaving?
04:42Rick will take care of anything you need.
04:47I hope you're okay with blueberry waffles.
04:50I, for one, love blueberries.
04:52Excellent.
04:53But they don't love me.
04:56I'll see if I can pick them out.
04:57Yeah.
04:58Would an omelette be too much trouble?
05:00Omelettes it is.
05:01There's a good fella.
05:03Actually, I'll just stick with the waffles and a pot of tea if you could.
05:08Maybe I should get my pad.
05:11Abby, does Larry's friend still do that Flying High over San Francisco tour?
05:14Oh, no, honey.
05:16He went out of business.
05:17People were disappointed it wasn't in some kind of aircraft.
05:21I really want to take the Coopers somewhere fun, you know?
05:24Not just the bridge in Chinatown and Jerry Garcia's dentist.
05:29Well, I like to take people to sit outside my ex-boyfriend's house and play.
05:32Do you think she's prettier than me?
05:34That sounds fun.
05:36What kind of things do the Coopers like to do?
05:38You know, we just met.
05:39I don't know anything about them.
05:40Henry always wanted to be a potter, but he didn't want to disappoint his parents.
05:43So he went to work for his father's company, which imports cork from Portugal.
05:47But Lorraine's theory is that it wasn't so much trying to please his father as it was
05:49trying to accommodate his witch of a mother who has always hung over their marriage like
05:52a dark shadow.
05:53Her words.
05:54But in Henry's defense, it is Lorraine's mother who lives with him and still brings
05:57home strange men at 78.
06:01Ghirardelli Square is always nice.
06:04Hey, look at Harry.
06:05Oh, yeah.
06:06He's really trying to walk.
06:07Hey, look at Darwa.
06:08Oh, she's trying to walk, too.
06:10Not a competition, honey.
06:12I know.
06:14Very good, Harry.
06:16Yes.
06:18FYI, you may walk first, but I'm wearing big girl underpants.
06:22Tom, it's fantastic.
06:24This was rejected by people from a country whose greatest culinary achievement is fried
06:29fish in newspaper.
06:31It's really good.
06:32Is there anything about it you would describe as, um, gritty?
06:38Nope.
06:40What's in it?
06:41We are cheese, black forest ham, and herbs of Provence.
06:44I cannot believe you like girls.
06:48Okay.
06:49All right.
06:49But it's, it's not gritty, right?
06:53Gregory, I have a crisis.
06:55Nice to see you, too, Mother.
06:56Hey, Mrs. M.
06:58Oh, of course.
07:00I have just come from the zoo, and I am very upset.
07:03Hey, they're animals.
07:04What, you want them to get a room?
07:12What's the problem, Mother?
07:13Look.
07:16Do you have any idea how much money the Montgomery Family Foundation has given to that zoo?
07:21All right.
07:21What am I looking at here?
07:22Oh, there, there.
07:24The Kitty Montgomery Hippo Habitat.
07:27I was promised an aviary.
07:30Well, don't hippos have those birds that live in their mouth and clean their teeth?
07:35Gregory, they are enormous, vulgar creatures, and they wallow.
07:40Gregory, they wallow.
07:41Have you talked to Dad about this?
07:44Oh, he just asked if we could go down there and ride them.
07:50Can we?
07:54Next month, they are opening a butterfly pavilion, and that is where I want my name.
07:58Now, the Buckleys have gazelles, the Allendales got peacocks, and I want butterflies.
08:03Mother, I run a law office here.
08:06I have a job.
08:08I have a hippo habitat.
08:13I'll see what I can do.
08:21Hi, honey, come on in.
08:23It's happy hour.
08:24Yeah, the appetizers are up there, and the well drinks are half price.
08:27Oh, no, I'm good.
08:28We were out sightseeing all day.
08:29By the time we got back, it was too late for high tea.
08:32With any luck, we'll miss it again tomorrow.
08:33Cheers.
08:36Over the teeth and mind the gums.
08:40The, uh, Coopers extended their reservation?
08:42Uh-huh.
08:43Would you like some Sherry Greg or a highball?
08:45We have a full bar.
08:48I know.
08:48I come here a lot.
08:51Stay clear of the scotch.
08:52It's, uh, it's not Glasgow's finest hour.
08:57Irma, uh, can I speak to you for a moment in the kitchen?
09:01Absolutely.
09:02I'll race ya.
09:03Hey, you're walking.
09:04No, actually, I'm running you.
09:06You just can't tell.
09:09Oh, uh, Marcy, is it?
09:11Yes, I knew a woman in Manchester with a glass eye called Marcy.
09:16Her good eye was called Wanda.
09:21Uh, how did she lose the eye?
09:26Why are the Coopers still here?
09:27Oh, we can't find him a hotel room.
09:29At least not one that meets our Fleet Week rate.
09:31Hey, Alcatraz is fun, right?
09:32I mean, it's touristy, but it's fun, right?
09:34How, how, how long will they be staying?
09:36Oh, a while.
09:37I hope the freezer's full of Kippers.
09:40Boy, if my man was weak gums,
09:42he sure can't suck down the fried mozzarella sticks.
09:46Can you, uh, give us a minute?
09:47Yeah, why don't you go help Marcy set up the karaoke machine?
09:50Karaoke machine?
09:52Okay, just when the timer dings on the stove,
09:54you take out the spanakopita.
09:57All I'm saying is if you let total strangers in the house like this,
10:00they're gonna take advantage of you.
10:01They were total strangers,
10:03but now they're our friends.
10:05That's the beauty of having a B&B.
10:08We don't have a B&B.
10:13Darla, look!
10:14Our sailors from the Cape will come, and he did.
10:18Let me buy you a drink.
10:20I'm going to unload some of that scotch for you.
10:31This is it?
10:32This is your solution?
10:34Snakes?
10:34No.
10:35It's not just snakes, Mother.
10:37It's lizards and chameleons and, uh, uh, uh,
10:40these little fellas.
10:41Oh!
10:42They are horrendous!
10:43I don't want this!
10:45I want butterflies!
10:46Well, it turns out that the Butterfly Pavilion
10:48already has a sponsor.
10:49Who?
10:50Well, it's not important who.
10:51Let's talk about the historical importance of snakes.
10:54Let's talk about Adam and Eve.
10:56Let's talk about the ecosystem.
10:57Let's talk about those shoes in your closet.
11:01Oh, my God.
11:02The Manharts have the butterflies.
11:04Yes, they do.
11:05Oh, damn that teensy Manhart.
11:07Oh, she took the antiquities wing of the museum away from me.
11:10She gave more money to the pediatric ward than I did.
11:13She's a terrible woman, Mother.
11:15She has been a thorn in my side for 20 years.
11:17The woman smokes two packs a day and nothing.
11:20Not even a cough.
11:22Nice.
11:22I don't care what you have to do, Gregory.
11:24I want my name on the Butterfly Pavilion.
11:25Mother, I'm...
11:27I'm just blue-skying here,
11:28but have you ever considered the concept of charity
11:31as just giving and not worrying
11:33about having your name on something?
11:38I'll see what I can do.
11:44Hello?
11:45Ah!
11:46Don't blink.
11:47You'll miss her.
11:48She's a blur.
11:50Pumpkin, that's great.
11:52Yeah.
11:53Hey, where's Harry?
11:54There's dust to be eaten here.
11:56Yes, we have a sitter, Larry.
11:59He's with the sitter.
12:03I drove.
12:06Where do you want this fridge?
12:08Oh, in the bedroom.
12:09It's going to be our mini bar.
12:10We're going to put snacks and drinks in it.
12:12Oh, I love those.
12:13Can I have one?
12:13Twelve bucks.
12:14Oh.
12:16This must be a nice place.
12:19You're healing so well.
12:21Do you think it's eliminating cheese from your diet
12:23or the new aromatherapy candles?
12:25It might be the four-inch titanium pin in my hip.
12:29You'll never know.
12:32Hey, you're doing really good.
12:34Yeah.
12:36I got the booty shaking.
12:39So, where are the Coopers?
12:42Oh, they're doing a little shopping.
12:43Oh, by the way, I had to cash a check for them.
12:45I used our emergency money.
12:46What?
12:47Do you know the $500 you keep in the Eddie Money album?
12:49Oh, that's a coincidence.
12:51Larry keeps ours in the Johnny Cash album.
12:55Or he did, until that garage sale.
12:59Tommy, this is from an English bank.
13:01It's in pounds.
13:02Yeah.
13:02I gave him a pretty good exchange rate,
13:04about $2.50 to the pound.
13:06Oh, that doesn't sound right.
13:08Oh, wait.
13:08I'm thinking of converting pounds to grams.
13:15We don't have to worry about cashing any more checks
13:17for the Coopers, because I got them a room
13:20at the Fairmont.
13:22Why, honey?
13:23Maybe they love it here.
13:24Yes, I don't blame them.
13:25I love it here.
13:25In fact, I love it here so much, I'd like to live here.
13:29Ask them to move, Greg.
13:30It's their anniversary.
13:31They're already unpacked.
13:31They already fill out the card
13:32with what they want for breakfast.
13:34Ooh, that's a nice time saver.
13:37I owe you $8.
13:39Okay.
13:40All right.
13:40How about this?
13:41How about you and I will go to the Fairmont,
13:42and the Coopers can stay here.
13:43They can eat our food, steal our things,
13:45however they want to celebrate their anniversary.
13:47I don't want to go to the Fairmont.
13:48Darn it, this is ridiculous.
13:49I haven't slept for two nights.
13:51Oh, do you eat a lot of dairy, Greg?
13:54Listen to her on this.
13:56Give up the dairy, you'll both sleep better.
13:59I'm not going to abandon the Coopers.
14:01They are my guests.
14:02All right.
14:03I have to go deal with my mother,
14:04and after that, if you want me,
14:07I'll be at the Fairmont.
14:08Good idea, Greg.
14:09Keep an eye on the competition.
14:14T.C., are you sure you wouldn't like another biscotti?
14:17I can't.
14:18I wish I had your courage, Kitty,
14:20to be able to gobble them down and not care.
14:26She landed that one.
14:29All right.
14:29I think I've got this.
14:32Mother will get the Butterfly Pavilion in return.
14:34She will give up the fountain at the Opera House
14:36and the chairmanship of the Inner City Book Drive.
14:39Oh, I don't know.
14:40Hang on.
14:41Hang on.
14:41Mrs. Manhart is also giving up her seat
14:43on the San Francisco Council of Churches Immigrants Aid Society.
14:48Well, I think I can live with that.
14:52All right.
14:53It's settled.
14:54An anxious nation breathes a sigh of relief.
14:58Oh.
14:59But not so fast.
15:00I know that sound.
15:03I'm sorry.
15:04I can't do it.
15:05I cannot give up the fountain at the Opera.
15:07It was my idea that the water came out like Pagliacci's tears.
15:12I'm giving up the Immigrants Aid Society.
15:15How can you compare a beautiful work of art
15:18to a huddled mass of penniless foreigners?
15:25I hope that didn't sound callous.
15:29Not at all, Mother.
15:31And I've got a bottle of 25-year-old scotch
15:34and a pair of antique dueling pistols.
15:36You want to get drunk and shoot at each other?
15:38Absolutely.
15:40I think I've lived long enough.
15:42Frankly, I don't see why we don't just kick in another $200 or $300
15:45and put both their names on the damn butterflies.
15:51They have no idea how much you've spent on these things, do they?
15:57What is your point, Gregory?
16:01My point is that I sleep on an air mattress
16:04because my wife has turned our apartment into a bed and breakfast.
16:07And I've sat here for the last two hours
16:08trying to decide whether a wing in a maternity ward
16:11is equivalent to a home for unwed mothers.
16:13Here's the deal.
16:14Either you two work it out
16:15or I go in there and I total it up for them.
16:21Well, this sounds fair to me.
16:29Hi.
16:30Hi.
16:33Sorry I got all bent out of shape before.
16:36It's okay.
16:37How are your folks?
16:39Well, let's just say I'm looking forward
16:40to a nice evening of karaoke with the Coopers.
16:44Coopers are gone, Greg.
16:46Oh.
16:48I went to the store to buy bangers and mash for them.
16:51I figured.
16:53I was supposed to be surprised.
16:55Then when I got home, they were gone.
16:56Not a note, nothing.
16:58All they do is sell out this comment card I made.
16:59Two fares are good and we need a new chef.
17:03Gritty.
17:04There's gritty again.
17:08Right, Greg, every person in the world sucks.
17:11No, I don't recall saying that.
17:13You said that the Coopers were going to take advantage of us
17:16and they did.
17:16Did their check balance?
17:18No.
17:19Did they take something?
17:19Don't you get it, Greg?
17:20They didn't even say goodbye.
17:23I thought they were our friends.
17:25I thought, you know, one day we'd go visit them
17:27and whatchamacallit shire.
17:32I don't even know where they live.
17:33Unless it's actually called whatchamacallit shire.
17:37But, Dorma, they weren't our friends.
17:39They behaved reasonably for people staying in a bed and breakfast.
17:42Come on, Greg.
17:43This is not a bed and breakfast.
17:44It's our home.
17:49Wednesday.
17:52Where are you going?
17:53Take some mints off the pillows.
18:00Does it feel good to get outside?
18:02I suppose.
18:05Hey, do you want to go down to the park you like
18:06and do some cheers for the chess players?
18:09No.
18:11How about we pop a wheelie?
18:15Whatever.
18:17Do you want to walk a little bit?
18:19Why?
18:19Well, you were doing so well
18:21and you haven't gotten out of the chair in a couple of days.
18:24No, you were right.
18:25I was overdoing it.
18:29It's really good.
18:33Hey, what are you doing?
18:34I'm going to give her some money.
18:36What's the point?
18:37Like you always say, she's just going to use it to buy booze.
18:47I don't really say that about violinists.
18:55Hi, honey.
18:56Hi.
18:57Come on in.
18:57Just put your backpacks down and...
19:00Welcome in.
19:01Honey, this is Carl Hines and Valtraud.
19:05They'll be with us for a couple of days.
19:06I was just, you know, walking by the youth hostel
19:09and it was completely booked up
19:10and they were just sitting out there
19:11going through their guidebooks
19:12and I thought, hey...
19:14Honey, I know what you're doing.
19:15I know, it's not very subtle.
19:20I'll get them all settled in.
19:25I'm going to put them on the air mattress.
19:27Bless you.
19:31Just, uh...
19:31Don't go your shanes anywhere for now.
19:36Okay, remember the deal.
19:39You stay for three days.
19:40You eat what's in front of you
19:42and when you go,
19:43you make sure you invite her
19:44to your home in Deutschland.
19:48Give me the book.
19:49You 안GridLike.
19:52I love you.
19:59I love you.
20:13I love you.
Comments