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00:01Oh, Mrs. Montgomery, you can come in now.
00:04Is he gonna be all right, Doc? I feel a little responsible here.
00:07He has a mild hernia. I'm sure it's nothing you did, Mrs. Montgomery.
00:12Actually, it is. I already, uh, uh...
00:15I already told him how it happened, lifting something.
00:20It was me. See, we were in the shower,
00:23so we were both soapy and slippery. Oh, he doesn't need to know this.
00:27Honey, he's a doctor. He needs to know the facts in order to help you.
00:31Anyway, it was Monkey Love Monday, which means you try...
00:35You try something new, so I asked Greg to pick me up. So, what about this hernia?
00:39Do I wear something, take something, what? Excuse me, excuse me, hold on a second. Go, go on.
00:43You were...
00:46It was soapy and slippery.
00:50That's pretty much all there was to it.
00:53Oh.
00:55So, so what do we do here, Doc?
00:57Well, I don't think this is serious enough to require surgery, but you're gonna have to avoid
01:02any strenuous activity for a couple of weeks.
01:04No lifting, no sex, no golf.
01:06No sex?
01:07How would golf hurt it?
01:11What if I was on top, you know, and I was really careful, and I did all the work and
01:14everything?
01:16What if I got a caddy?
01:19I'm sure you'd be very careful up there on top, but if Greg's anything like me during sex, that pelvis
01:26has a mind of its own.
01:28Any kind of vigorous motion could aggravate the Invernal Canal.
01:35Oh, that sounds bad.
01:37Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:39I remember my first hernia.
01:41I was single at the time, but I was...
01:44I was seeing this young Filipino woman down in San Bruno, and she was very gentle.
01:50So, I was an eager beaver, ripped myself from stem to sternum.
01:57Thank, thank you very much, Doctor.
01:58Honey, he's a doctor. You need to listen to him.
02:01Yeah, she was quite a gal.
02:04She had a tattoo on her back that showed Lindy landing in Paris.
02:09If she moved certain muscles just right, she could get the wheels off the ground.
02:31So, these are good for hernia?
02:33Dharma, they're painkillers. They're good for anything.
02:36Well, I just want to make sure they're the right thing.
02:39See, I feel kind of responsible.
02:42We were having sex in the shower, and he tried to lift me up, and pop went the weasel.
02:50These will be fine, thank you.
02:54Dharma?
02:55Scott?
02:56Hey!
02:58Oh, I thought that was you. God, you look great.
03:01You too. Scott, this is my husband, Greg. Greg, this is Scott. I told you about Scott. We used to
03:05go out.
03:05Oh, uh, sure. Nice to meet you.
03:07Hi.
03:09Godzilla, that's a lot of condoms.
03:11It looks like a lot. It's only a dozen in each box.
03:14Greg can't have sex right now.
03:19Well, tell him the whole thing.
03:22We were having a little, uh, jungle love in the shower. I lifted her up. I got a slight strain.
03:27A man's gotta know his limitations.
03:31How was Afghanistan?
03:33Dirty and dangerous. I loved it.
03:36What were you doing in Afghanistan?
03:39Well, I travel a lot. I'm a professional tennis player.
03:41I didn't realize there was a tennis tournament in Afghanistan.
03:45It's not televised.
03:49Anyway, I'm moving back to San Francisco.
03:51Well, you know, if you need a place, there's a vacancy in our building, right Greg?
03:55I don't think so.
03:57There's someone on our floor.
03:58You helped them move last weekend.
03:59You made them zucchini bread.
04:01Is it going away present?
04:02Oh, yeah, then. That's vacant.
04:04Why don't you come by tonight?
04:06And we'll show you the apartments.
04:07Great.
04:08Same old building.
04:08Thanks, darling.
04:10Nice to meet you, Greg.
04:11Same here.
04:11See you later.
04:13Wouldn't it be perfect if Scott moved in down the hall?
04:16Yeah, perfect ending to the perfect day.
04:20So, anyway, I carry a lot of extra cat guts for my tennis rackets.
04:24Well, little did I know I'd be using it to restring Yo-Yo Ma's violin during a private concert for
04:29the Sultan of Brunei.
04:31Oh, hold on, hold on. Yo-Yo Ma plays the cello.
04:36Sure, but when the Sultan wants to hear a devil went down to Georgia, you pick up a fiddle.
04:42So, how are you liking the new apartment?
04:44Oh, I love it. It's great.
04:45It reminds me of that little condo I had in Beijing.
04:48What were you doing in Beijing?
04:50Teaching table tennis.
04:53To the Chinese, the Chinese are the best ping pong players in the world.
05:05Hi.
05:06Hi.
05:07Excuse me.
05:07Scott, honey.
05:08You said you were gonna wash my back.
05:10I'm sorry, baby.
05:11I'll be right with you.
05:14Yikes.
05:14I completely forgot I left her in the tub.
05:18Greg, do you have any condoms?
05:20I'm all out.
05:22You bought two dozen a week ago.
05:24You're right.
05:25It's my own fault.
05:28Thanks for the coffee, neighbor.
05:29We'll see you guys later.
05:31See you later, Scott.
05:33I completely forgot how much fun he is.
05:36I don't know.
05:36How is it possible that a man his age could have met all those people, done all those things,
05:43been to all those places?
05:44I know.
05:45It'd still be so down to earth.
05:47It blows your mind, doesn't it?
05:53Okay, now I need an adjective.
05:55Liar.
05:56That's a noun.
05:57Lying.
05:59Okay.
06:00Now a noun.
06:01Jerk.
06:04Okay, good.
06:04Let's read it.
06:05I love the holidays.
06:07Every year, Dad goes to the Sultan's palace and chops down an eight-foot pathological liar.
06:12Meanwhile, Mom is making up a big batch of lies.
06:16The whole house smells like complete crap.
06:19The highlight is when Dad sneaks into the People's Republic of China dressed like a tennis pro.
06:26Well, not quite the fun with words promised on the cover.
06:29I cannot believe that you buy anything this guy says about himself.
06:32Honey, there's no reason for you to feel threatened by Scott.
06:36I am not threatened by Scott.
06:37Oh, Scott.
06:39Oh, God.
06:40Not again.
06:42Okay, you want to play another game?
06:43Yes.
06:44Sure.
06:46We'll play cheese.
06:47Here's how it works.
06:49We take turns naming a cheese, and the first person who can't name one loses.
06:53I'll start.
06:54Cheddar.
06:55Oh, man.
06:56Don't stop.
07:00Camembert.
07:02Monster.
07:04Gruyere.
07:06Goat cheese.
07:09So, we were in bed playing cheese, and somewhere around mozzarella, Greg started feeling a little frisky.
07:16I can't imagine the cheese that would make me frisky.
07:19Well, there is something about a nice smoked Gouda when you peel back that rind.
07:26It wasn't just the cheese.
07:28My old boyfriend moved in next door, and he was having pretty loud sex.
07:31You know.
07:32Don't stop.
07:33Don't stop.
07:34Can we chat when I'm not flapping in the breeze?
07:38Greg, part of being a good doctor is listening to the patient.
07:43Go ahead, Dharma.
07:45That's pretty much it.
07:47Oh.
07:49Now, listen, son.
07:51I know it's hard with the X around.
07:54I remember one time, I wound up at a ski lodge right next door to my ex-wife and her
08:00latest fella.
08:01I made damn sure they were kept up all night with the sounds of love.
08:06It would have been a little easier if I'd brought a lady friend with me.
08:13And the best part is, gravity keeps your kishkis from slipping down into your goody sack.
08:20This is not what I meant by a second opinion.
08:26Hey, Scott.
08:27Hi.
08:27Sorry to bother you.
08:28Do you have any candles I could borrow?
08:29Oh, sure.
08:30Uh, scented okay?
08:32Oh, yeah.
08:32That'd be great.
08:32And maybe some romantic CD.
08:34Maybe Marvin Gaye.
08:36Sure.
08:36He's just taunting us these days.
08:38Come on in.
08:38My folks are here.
08:39Oh.
08:40Hey, Abby!
08:41Larry!
08:42Oh, Scott!
08:43Hey!
08:44Hey!
08:44Oh!
08:47Great to see you!
08:48Well, what you been up to?
08:50Hey, you're still working for Greenpeace?
08:51Greenpeace?
08:52It's unbelievable, Greg.
08:54Scott takes his dinghy out into the ocean and he puts himself right between the Japanese
08:58fishing boats and poor defenseless whales.
09:00Really?
09:00Why would you characterize that as unbelievable?
09:04Oh, I had to give it up.
09:05The Japanese whalers put a price on my head.
09:08Oh, no.
09:09It's called a shinjokai.
09:10A shinjokai.
09:12A shinjokai.
09:16Oh, I better get going.
09:18I'm running a bath.
09:21Great to see you guys.
09:22Yeah, it's great to see you, Scott.
09:23Later, man.
09:26Oh, what a wonderful human being.
09:29Look, all right.
09:30I don't want to be the one to have to say this, but that guy is a complete fraud.
09:34Oh, here we go.
09:35I can't.
09:35Abby, will you tell him your thing about jealousy?
09:38Okay.
09:39Okay, but I can't take credit for this.
09:41It's actually...
09:41It's an old Navajo myth.
09:44One day...
09:44I'm not jealous!
09:47All right, look.
09:48Here's a listing of every professionally ranked tennis player for the last 20 years.
09:53Scott Kelly is nowhere in here.
09:55I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
09:57Of course there is.
09:58He can't play under his own name.
09:59He has a shinjokai on his head.
10:03Fine.
10:04How about this?
10:04I spy NBC television, 1965.
10:08Robert Culp plays secret agent Kelly Robinson, who masquerades as a tennis pro.
10:13Accompanied by his partner Alexander Scott, played by Bill Cosby.
10:17Does any of this ring a bell?
10:19Sorry, man.
10:20The sixties are kind of a blur.
10:30Hi.
10:31Oh, I'm sorry.
10:33Um, I'm looking for Scott Kelly's apartment.
10:35Oh, yeah.
10:36Just go down the hall and stop when you hear Marvin Gaye.
10:43That's like the fourth woman Scott's been with this week.
10:46Sixth, and apparently none of them know how to bathe themselves.
10:52Gabby, do you think Scott was seeing other women when I went out with him?
10:55Did he say he was faithful?
10:57Constantly.
10:58Well, there you are.
10:59It must be true, because we know he's not a liar.
11:031972, I was in Fresno, but I didn't have a TV.
11:10I can't believe Scott's such a hound.
11:14Darma, let me explain something to you.
11:17There's an amino acid in the penis, which makes men evil.
11:23It's a scientific fact.
11:24I don't know about that.
11:26I mean, do you think Greg is evil?
11:28Greg has a penis.
11:30Greg is in a continual state of war with his evil acid.
11:35It's only a matter of time before the acid is triumphant.
11:40Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way.
11:42Maybe Scott's just trying to find the right woman so he's dating a little.
11:45It doesn't mean he was dishonest with me.
11:47Oh, for the love of Mike!
11:51Honey, are you okay?
11:52Fine.
11:54I mean, it's really hard for Scott to find a woman.
11:56When I met him, he'd just lost his wife in this horrible boating accident.
12:00It was the finals for the America's Cup, I think.
12:05Honey, are you sure you're okay?
12:08Evil acid reflux.
12:13So, who taught you how to pick a lock? The FBI?
12:16Jane.
12:22So, uh, what exactly are we looking for?
12:23Just proof that this guy's not what he claims to be.
12:26Like what? Pictures of him not playing tennis?
12:30Just look for stuff. Bank statements, letters, anything that might tell us who he really is.
12:35Bingo.
12:42What are you doing?
12:44Star 69.
12:45Find out the last person he talked to.
12:47Good thinking.
12:48Hello? Who's this?
12:49No, I asked you first. Who's this?
12:51I know I called you, but I asked you first.
12:54Hang up.
12:57Okay.
13:00Ah, here we go.
13:03Hello?
13:05You called me this time, pal.
13:08Just look.
13:12Oh, God.
13:17Hey, thanks for helping me out.
13:19Oh, no problem. I see Scott still likes his Turkish coffee.
13:22Well, I think he was Mrs. Istanbul.
13:25It's so great having him around.
13:27I just wish Greg wasn't threatened by him.
13:29Yeah, so does Scott.
13:30This must be fun for you.
13:31I don't know.
13:38Anyway, I'm glad you and I can be friends.
13:40And Greg will come around. I mean, you know, he's just in a lot of pain and cranky because we're
13:47not having any sex.
13:49Well, tell her why we're not having any sex.
13:52So why aren't you guys having sex?
13:55He'd rather I not talk about it.
13:57Go ahead and talk about it.
13:59If you're in a relationship like that, sex is very important to me.
14:04Eh, you learn to live without it.
14:07Oh, you must be so tense.
14:10I have a video that starts like this.
14:16I'm just more concerned about Scott and Greg getting along.
14:19Yeah, it'd be great if they did. Then you guys could come to our wedding.
14:23Are you getting married?
14:24Well, as soon as his wife is declared legally dead.
14:27You know, they never found the body.
14:29Oh, from the boating accident.
14:31What boating accident?
14:33He told me his wife died in a boating accident.
14:35No, he told me she died skiing.
14:39Oh, we know one thing. She's good and dead.
14:43This is so weird.
14:44Why would he have lied to you?
14:49Oh.
14:50Honey.
14:51We'll talk later.
14:53I gotta go apologize to my husband.
14:56Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
14:58We sure do.
15:03Gotcha.
15:14So you and this fellow were both in the closet?
15:18Yes. Yes.
15:20But not how you think.
15:22Don't be embarrassed about this, Greg.
15:25Don't. I was once young, too.
15:28I had questions.
15:31Desires I couldn't explain.
15:34I remember one late night I was a soldier on guard duty.
15:39The lieutenant came by and said,
15:42I'm here to relieve you, son.
15:47I was confused because my watch wasn't up for another two hours.
15:56So you're finding your way around the neighborhood okay?
15:59Yeah, it's great.
16:00Hey, thanks for the tip about the dry cleaner.
16:02Oh, no problem.
16:03You know, I, uh, spent a little time with Allison today.
16:06She seems really nice.
16:07How did your wife die?
16:10Well, I-I told you that, didn't I?
16:11She was a professional skier.
16:14I thought she died in a boating accident.
16:17She did.
16:18Water skiing.
16:21In the America's cup.
16:24They had a really good lead.
16:28She was just screwing around.
16:33Oh, hey, you're just in time.
16:36What?
16:38Scott's pants are on fire and he's trying to put them out.
16:40You want a piece of this action?
16:43Thanks.
16:44I don't mind if I do.
16:47You did not use all those condoms.
16:52Bigger fish.
16:53Okay.
16:53I'll just put that aside for now.
16:55This whole, uh, I spy ping pong yo-yo ma shinjo crap stops right here.
17:00Okay.
17:03Okay, I have been lying to you.
17:04I-I'm not a professional tennis player.
17:07I've never been married.
17:11My name's not even Scott Kelly.
17:13Oh, really?
17:14Why?
17:16It's called an EPC.
17:18Easily Penetrable Cover.
17:23The idea is you see right through it and dismiss me as a liar.
17:27That way I can continue with my real work as a operative for a government entity known as the firm.
17:36The firm?
17:37Look, pal, I worked for the government for ten years.
17:40I've never heard of anything called the firm.
17:42Lucky for you.
17:45Anyway, I'd love to tell you more about it, but I've got to get going.
17:49Scott.
17:52David.
17:53David.
17:55Michael.
17:55Michael!
17:56Whatever.
17:57For once, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.
18:01Dharma, we have a saying at the firm about the truth.
18:04I wish I could share it with you.
18:09Anyway, it's good that we cleared this up.
18:11Because I'm going to be leaving soon.
18:12I've been reassigned.
18:14Oh, really?
18:14Oh, so what happens now?
18:16Uh, some sort of, uh, stealth helicopter flies you off to a top secret base?
18:20Regular helicopter.
18:22Logic cuts.
18:25Remember me.
18:30Oh, my God.
18:31He's just insane!
18:33I'm glad you brought it up, because I didn't want to be the one to say it.
18:37I can't believe I was such a fool!
18:38No, you're not a fool.
18:40You're an open, trusting human being.
18:43And that's why I love you.
18:45Oh, thank you.
18:57I still say there's no way you used all those condoms.
19:05You know, I really don't want to wake him.
19:07He's still in a lot of pain.
19:09Well, Dharma dear, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.
19:12Um, Gregory's doctor called us.
19:15Why did he call you?
19:15He's an old friend of Edward's.
19:17We were in the service together.
19:26Well, anyway, he implied that, um, that Gregory's latest injury was caused by, um...
19:36How well do you know his friend, Pete?
19:39Is this about the thing with them in the closet?
19:41Gregory told you about that?
19:43Oh, yeah.
19:43Well, he was embarrassed, but we don't keep secrets from each other.
19:47I mean, when I think of some of the things Jane and I have done...
19:52Really?
19:56I don't approve of what he did, but he had no choice.
19:59I just couldn't face the truth.
20:01So you're telling me that you're fine with Gregory being... gay?
20:11Oh, yeah!
20:16I'm fine with it. How are you guys dealing with it?
20:20Oh, well, we're-we're-we're fine with it, of course.
20:23He's our son, and we love him.
20:25This sort of thing is very popular, from what I understand.
20:30You know what? Why don't I go get Greg?
20:33Let you guys talk to him.
20:42Would it have killed you to play catch with the boy?
20:46You were the one that taught him to dance.
20:49That was one recital, and he was fabulous.
20:52Well, apparently, he's still fabulous.
20:55Hey, what's up? Dharma said you want to talk to me.
20:59Edward.
21:02Son...
21:06Do you want to play catch?
21:08You go, Charlie.
21:12Can I-
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