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00:00Oh! Help! Help! There's a pirate after my precious doubloons!
00:06Ah! Come back here, Wenz! Come out!
00:09Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Are you okay?
00:12I stubbed my toe. I'm gonna take the eye patch off.
00:15Oh, Drake! I think you're just a naked guy with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder.
00:20Right, all right. I'll put it back on. But you have to slow down.
00:24Okay, but promise on your honor there'll be no monkey business.
00:29Aye, I swear!
00:34You swore on your honor!
00:36Ah, pirates have no honor!
00:39Ooh, that's quite a bird you've got there.
00:43And I like your parrot, too.
01:07Well, here we are.
01:09So what do you think?
01:11What is that smell?
01:14Oh, Dharma, how could you drag us to this third-world petri dish?
01:22Be patient. It grows on you.
01:24Oh, I'll bet it does.
01:26Well, couldn't we at least find a clean table?
01:29Not here.
01:32Dharma, I think I saw a board of health notice out front.
01:35You probably did.
01:37Dharma, I cannot possibly stay here.
01:40Hang on.
01:41Hang on for what?
01:42Hey, good afternoon, ladies.
01:46Oh.
01:48Your specials are on the board.
01:49I'm sure they are.
01:55Get back, Loretta.
01:57Stein.
01:59Still wanna leave?
02:00Well, we're here.
02:04Oh, this is bad karma.
02:07I'm gonna get pinched in Italy.
02:10I must say, I do think it is a bit inappropriate
02:13for a group of married women to be ogling
02:15an, uh, admittedly magnificent young man.
02:21Kitty, I love Greg, and there will never be anyone else for me.
02:25But if I'm not free to appreciate a handsome man,
02:28then I'm not free to appreciate a beautiful sunset
02:31or a magnificent painting.
02:33Or that ass.
02:36Or those arms.
02:38Or those smoky eyes that seem to burn into the depths of your soul
02:42as if they knew exactly what you had been missing all these years.
02:48Whoa, who ordered the ugly truth?
02:51Kitty, is there something you'd like to share with us?
02:54Yeah, aren't you getting everything from Edward you need in the bedroom?
02:57Isn't that a rather personal question, Dharma?
02:59Oh, yes.
03:03Well, you might say that, uh, after a certain time,
03:06the dance does become a routine,
03:08and one can do the steps in one's sleep.
03:12And to be frank, occasionally one does.
03:16You know, if you're looking for a way to spice things up,
03:18maybe I can help you out.
03:23Kitty.
03:25I keep a very detailed journal of everything Greg and I do in the sack,
03:28and I'd be happy to lend it to you.
03:32Well, I am right in the middle of Angela's ashes,
03:34but as soon as I finish that, it will be my next read.
03:37I am.
03:38Oh, Jane, are you all right?
03:40She's fine.
03:53Hey!
03:54You want the gold for souvlaki?
03:56Not now, Jane.
03:57I got a situation here.
03:59You do know that by souvlaki I meant Greek waiter butt.
04:02I know, I just can't.
04:04What's wrong?
04:05I'm going through my sex journal for Kitty,
04:09crossing out things that might kill Edward.
04:14But I started to notice something.
04:16On the 11th of every month,
04:19Greg surprises me in the shower,
04:21and we have amazing, wonderful sex.
04:24Yeah, so?
04:25Okay, check this out.
04:27And this was not easy to figure out.
04:29We have fun with food sex
04:31every time there's a space shuttle launch.
04:36Maple syrup, whipped cream, loaf of bread.
04:39What does he do with a loaf of bread?
04:40Dharma sandwich.
04:42Don't you see, Jane?
04:43There's a pattern here.
04:44Wait a minute.
04:45Everything you guys do is planned out months in advance.
04:48I don't plan out sex.
04:49I'm a free-range chicken.
04:51But Greg, look.
04:53Are you going to say something to him?
04:56Well, I can't say anything until I'm absolutely sure.
04:59How are you going to find out?
05:03Science, Jane.
05:05Science.
05:13I can smell the chemicals.
05:17I'm going to go to science.
05:23Science.
05:28I can smell the chemicals.
05:32I can smell the chemicals.
05:34I can smell the chemicals.
05:38Science!
05:45Science!
05:54Science!
06:17When she's dancing next to me.
06:22Science!
06:32Hi, girl!
06:36Don't know?
06:38Yeah?
06:39Okay. Was that fun for you?
06:42Oh, yeah.
06:43You shivered me timbers.
06:46Are you sure?
06:47Because you seem like you weren't really into it.
06:50No, no, no. I always loved Pirate Night.
06:52Because I can drop the whole buried treasure thing.
06:54No, that's my favorite part.
06:59The ex could mark a different spot from time to time.
07:04What?
07:04Nothing.
07:05Sat on the parrot.
07:10Hey, is Stavros getting a little hippie or is it the pants?
07:14Jane, focus. My sex life is in crisis.
07:17I don't understand why you're so upset.
07:19Nothing's really changed.
07:20Are you kidding?
07:22How would you feel if you were 99% sure you were gonna have sex on the beach tonight?
07:27Sweaty. A little nervous.
07:30I'm just saying there's things we're better off not knowing.
07:33Like what?
07:36Like would it ruin it for you if you found out that Stavros was a doctor back home and he
07:40was just working here until he got his American license?
07:43Are you saying Stavros is smart?
07:45He's a surgeon.
07:46You take that back.
07:49He's dumb and hunky and you know it.
07:51See, nothing's changed but now it doesn't work for you, right?
07:57No, it doesn't. Why would you do that?
08:00I'm just trying to make a point.
08:04Stavros, come here.
08:08Where is my medulla oblongata?
08:11Coming right up. We make fresh for you.
08:17You scared the crap out of me.
08:27So the doctor says kiss you, Mrs. Johnson, I shouldn't even be doing this.
08:32That's not the way I heard it.
08:33The way I heard it, the woman's name was Mrs. Taylor.
08:37Really?
08:38And how'd that one go?
08:40Well, there was this woman, Mrs. Taylor, and she goes to visit her gynecologist.
08:45Would you two stop? It's the same damn joke.
08:48Jiminy, Christmas.
08:49What crawled into your pup tent?
08:52You're not still bent out of shape because I beat you, are you?
08:55No, I don't care about that.
08:56So I didn't cheat.
08:57I said I didn't care.
08:58Well, except I'm 14, but you knew that.
09:00Me too.
09:02Where's that ball you lost in the woods?
09:07No, I don't care about the golf. It's Darma and me.
09:10We're just having a little trouble. It's not important.
09:14What kind of trouble?
09:15Your house looks clean.
09:19It's personal, all right?
09:20Ah, the honeymoon's over, huh?
09:22No, we still have sex all the time.
09:24It's just the last couple of weeks you seem detached.
09:29But you still have sex all the time.
09:31Yeah.
09:32And your house is still clean.
09:34Can we please not talk about this?
09:36Look, son.
09:38I've been married a long time.
09:40To your mother.
09:42And one thing I've learned is that passion comes and goes.
09:46And when it goes, you've got to stay the course.
09:50Stay the course?
09:51Stay the course.
09:52Do your duty as a husband and someday her passion will return.
09:57How long does that take?
09:59I'll let you know.
10:02This is Mrs. Taylor. She's up on the table.
10:08Hi.
10:11Hey.
10:12For you.
10:16This is unexpected.
10:18What's the occasion?
10:19No occasion.
10:20Just because I love you.
10:22Wow, this is so spontaneous of you.
10:27Hey, you know what I was thinking?
10:28How would I know what you were thinking?
10:30Why don't we take a little drive, maybe down the coast,
10:33get some linguine at that little place on the pier?
10:35Wouldn't that be nice?
10:37Yeah, it would be.
10:39And maybe afterwards we can take a walk down by the water.
10:42And make love on the beach?
10:44See, you did know what I was thinking.
10:46I'll get the blankets.
10:51No, God, when will this nightmare end?
10:57So you had sex on the beach?
11:00Mm-hmm.
11:01And it was really romantic.
11:03Honey, I'm so sorry.
11:07What should I do, Abby?
11:08Greg has scheduled every moment of our sex life.
11:11Well, not consciously, Dharma.
11:13It's not his fault.
11:15It's just his nature.
11:18Come on.
11:19Are you telling me Greg is pre-programmed to sip champagne out of my belly button
11:23every time PBS has a fundraising drive?
11:25It looks that way.
11:27Should I say something to him?
11:30What would you tell him?
11:32I don't know, that it's hard to get all worked up about a guy sucking on your toes
11:35when you know he's only doing it because his car got waxed.
11:39Those don't sound like helping words, Dharma.
11:42Well, isn't there anything I can do?
11:43Forgive me for suggesting behavior modification,
11:46but maybe there's a way that you could gently sway him from his schedule.
11:52And if that doesn't work?
11:54Then you find a way to love him.
11:56Flaws and all.
12:03Oh, no, Gina.
12:04Cancer night.
12:05It's movie make-out night.
12:08Whew.
12:09No, I can't say anything to him.
12:13Might traumatize him.
12:15I care.
12:20Well, I'm gonna try some subtle behavior modification.
12:23Dharma, movie's starting!
12:24Oh, coming!
12:25I gotta go.
12:26Okay.
12:39Sorry, phone call.
12:40That's okay.
12:41We've got all night.
12:59Were you, uh...
13:02Were you cooking something?
13:04No!
13:10Stay the course, son.
13:12Stay the course.
13:15Come here, Gil.
13:31Love him, Dharma.
13:33Flaws and all.
13:42I'm telling you, Pete.
13:43I'm doing everything I can,
13:44but it just keeps getting worse and worse.
13:46Last night, I swear she took a bath in sour milk
13:49just so I would leave her alone.
13:51Did you?
13:52Of course not.
13:53I, I love her.
13:54I, you know, stayed the course.
13:57I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
13:59but your woman makes love to you every night
14:01and she's just going through the motions.
14:02That can only mean one thing.
14:04She's covering up an affair.
14:06Oh, that's ridiculous.
14:08Yo, buddy.
14:09A guy's wife makes love to him every night,
14:11but she's bored from the poke to the smoke.
14:14She's cheating on him.
14:15Really?
14:17How about you?
14:18Your wife's doing you every night,
14:20but she's bored from the chitty to the bang bang.
14:24Sounds like a classic case of marital infidelity.
14:29And what do you think?
14:31She's a woman.
14:32She's a woman.
14:33Yo, why are you?
14:34She's a woman.
14:37Someone else is cooking your old lady's duck.
14:43I'm sorry, man.
14:44I can't believe that.
14:45Not, not Dharma.
14:46I'm going home.
14:51Best to call first.
14:53You don't want any nasty surprises.
14:58Probably it's someone you know.
15:16Hey.
15:18Where you been?
15:19I stopped and had a beer with Pete.
15:20Listen, is there anything that you and I need to talk about?
15:23What do you mean?
15:24Come on, something's going on.
15:26You figured out what I've been up to, huh?
15:29I'm not sure.
15:30Why don't you tell me?
15:31Look, it's not your fault.
15:32I'm the one with the problem.
15:34But I'm afraid if I go over the details with you,
15:36it's just going to make you feel worse.
15:40How can you be so casual about this?
15:42It's not the end of the world.
15:44I mean, it's not like it was premeditated.
15:48So we're just supposed to go on like nothing's happening?
15:51Honey, we could talk about this all night,
15:54but we both know what's coming next,
15:55so why don't we just get to it?
15:58Where are you going?
16:00I want you to meet someone.
16:06I can't, I can't, I can't do this.
16:10Oh, Father Christmas, Mom, I've cast.
16:14Drop your pants, I'll spank your...
16:20Greg?
16:23We're going to turn it over.
16:33We can pull it over.
16:38I'm going to move it over.
16:39Oh, am I going to pick it over there?
16:42I'm going to turn it over here.
16:48Okay?
17:08Hey! Why did you leave?
17:11I can't believe you're asking me that.
17:14Why are you dressed like a cheerleader?
17:16Because every time you get your alumni newsletter,
17:18you like to play big man on campus,
17:19and I thought the outfit would help.
17:23How did you know about the newsletter thing?
17:24I told you! I figured out your schedule.
17:31Is that what's been going on?
17:33Yeah. What did you think had been going on?
17:36Um, nothing. Or that.
17:38I kind of thought it was that. I wasn't sure.
17:41Don't worry. I'll get used to it.
17:43I mean, it's not like you were doing it on purpose.
17:45Wait, you think what I was doing was unconscious?
17:47What do you think I am, some kind of freak?
17:50So you actually sat down one day and made up that schedule?
17:53Oh, God, no. It took weeks.
17:57Why?
17:59Because when we got married, I figured you were, you know, a little more advanced, maybe, than me,
18:08and I had to come up with a way to keep you, you know, interested.
18:13What?
18:16Dharma, a guy like me goes out with Allison's and Emily's and Catherine's, and you're a Dharma.
18:23It was a little intimidating.
18:25Get out of town, really?
18:28Really.
18:30Wow.
18:32You're killing Emily now.
18:34Listen, I know that I should have, uh, I should have given this up a long time ago,
18:39but, you know, it was put a lot of work into it, and it was kind of doing the job.
18:47What do you say we toss the map and do a little off-roading?
18:50Absolutely.
18:53But, uh, can we start tomorrow?
18:54Because the jewelry thing's kind of working for me.
18:56I know, they're pretty cute.
18:57Oh, yeah.
18:58Do you buy it or rent it?
19:00Oh, no, I rented it.
19:01Oh, we should buy it.
19:02Eh, we'll save money in a long way.
19:05It's in the doctor's office, right?
19:07Now, excuse me, gentlemen.
19:08I'll have you know, my wife was not having an affair.
19:10She was just distracted because she figured out that I schedule each and every sexual move I make.
19:18You didn't consider that, did you?
19:24I guess we're the idiots, huh?
19:27Mrs. Taylor's up in the store.
19:34Come in.
19:40My, my, my.
19:42I didn't know you delivered.
19:53So now what do I do?
19:54You told me I wasn't allowed to take off the apron.
19:58I also told you not to speak.
20:01Okay.
20:02Uh, well, you want me to go out and come back in again?
20:06Yes.
20:11Uh, Kenny.
20:13What?
20:15Am I supposed to have the baklava with me?
20:24Come in.
20:29My, my, my.
20:31I didn't know you delivered.
20:41What's the baklava for?
21:00What's the baklava for?
21:02I don't know you.
21:03I don't know you.
21:03I don't know you.
21:04I don't know you.
21:04I won't believe it.
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