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00:00And this is five, five ducks.
00:04Whoa, what are you doing?
00:05Flash cards, I'm teaching him numbers.
00:07Yeah, then after that, I'm gonna teach him to do a poker from the bottom of the deck.
00:12Abby, look what you're doing here.
00:14You're locking him into the concept that this is two and this is three.
00:17You're putting his little mind in a straitjacket.
00:19Larry, counting is a natural human activity.
00:23I'm counting to ten right now.
00:25Next thing, you'll be singing him the ABCs like letters have to come in some official order,
00:29like G is better than H because it comes first.
00:32Wait, yeah, G.
00:35And you guys, look at this.
00:36This nut is taking a bath in the fountain in front of City Hall.
00:39Look, he's got a shower cap and a loofah.
00:41Oh, wow, Terry's back in town.
00:45You know this guy?
00:46Yeah, he's a performance artist.
00:48We used to do pieces together all the time.
00:51Well, this isn't art, this is hygiene.
00:53Oh, no, this is his art.
00:54Like last year in Berlin, he lined up 500 pairs of shoes in front of the Brandenburg Gate,
00:59and tried them all on.
01:01The piece was called, Do These Come in a Nine?
01:05I'm sorry, I called him a nut.
01:24Wow, thank you.
01:25Thank you for bailing me out.
01:26You know, being in jail is just, it's just changed how I look at everything.
01:31He was in jail for three hours.
01:32Yeah, yeah, and it was hell.
01:34Jail is like, like some kind of cage.
01:38Oh, remember in Minneapolis when you built that giant cage you ran on the big hamster wheel?
01:43Yeah, yeah.
01:43You should do that again.
01:44No, no, no, Dharma, I'm trying to focus on my new series right now.
01:47Right now I'm trying to focus on private acts in public places.
01:51You were always the last kid picked for dodgeball, weren't you?
01:55It's okay, Dharma.
01:57He just doesn't get it.
01:59Look, look at those mirrors.
02:00See, I'm going to shave, nick myself, and then put a little piece of toilet paper on it.
02:07Why?
02:08No, honey, you don't ask for it.
02:10No, no, no, in this piece, I want people to ask why.
02:13Well, look at that.
02:14Good for you, honey.
02:16Oh, look, Chunkin' Applehead dolls.
02:19It's like I want them to ask, why is this man shaving in public?
02:23Does he have no home?
02:24Does he know where he is?
02:25Does his beard grow at some superhuman speed?
02:28Wow.
02:29You know, Terry, your work has really evolved.
02:33I know.
02:34It's amazing, isn't it?
02:35Yeah.
02:36Dharma, listen.
02:37Next week I'm going to do this piece where I live in an art gallery for seven days, on display,
02:4124 hours a day.
02:42Why?
02:43Very good.
02:45Do it with me.
02:46What, live at the art gallery with you?
02:47Yeah, yeah, two people living in a cramped space, irritated, fighting, picking at each other, getting on each other's nerves.
02:52Oh, wow, that sounds like so much fun.
02:55Doesn't it?
02:55Look at this.
02:56Wouldn't this look great in my parents' lake house?
02:58It's grotesque.
02:59I love it.
03:00I'll be right back.
03:03Ah!
03:04Yeah.
03:07Are you sure you're okay with this?
03:08Sure.
03:09You know, it looks great.
03:10You've got your bunk beds and your table and your big window to the street
03:14and the people out there gawking at you.
03:18It really opens the space up.
03:21Wow, we have gawkers already.
03:24Ah, it's exciting.
03:25Can you feel it?
03:25Hey, you ready?
03:26Yeah, totally.
03:27Just unpacking and getting settled and Greg's trying to talk me out of it in a really sweet,
03:32kind of lame, passive-aggressive way.
03:34Oh, well, did anyone hear it?
03:36Oh, I don't think so.
03:37Oh, do you think you can get him to do it again?
03:39Oh, I don't think he's anywhere near through.
03:42I'm sorry.
03:43Can you just help me try to understand why you're doing this?
03:48You mean besides the chance to participate in something amazing?
03:51Yeah, besides that.
03:53Hey, after the car accident, I started thinking about my life and how much I've changed,
03:57and now I stop doing the stuff that's me.
04:00And this is you?
04:02Well, it used to be.
04:04I mean, how long has it been since I've gone trick-or-treating in April
04:06or tried to get a job as a translator at the International House of Pancakes?
04:11I guess too long.
04:13I know, and I miss it.
04:15Okay, well, then you should live in an art gallery,
04:17unless the pancake gig comes through.
04:20Hey, I can say boysenberry in 26 languages.
04:23Try me.
04:23No, I believe you.
04:25Listen, I gotta go to work.
04:26Hey, I love you.
04:30Come on, what kind of kiss is that?
04:32Oh, come on.
04:34Come on.
04:37Okay, I'm sorry.
04:38I just can't.
04:40Have a good art piece.
04:43So he's really okay with this, huh?
04:45Well, he's trying.
04:46But watch, he's gonna think of something else to say to me about it,
04:48turn around, and then change his mind.
04:50Watch.
04:55Oh, that was really good.
04:56I know, I can do it all day long.
04:57There's no money in it.
05:00Hi, guys.
05:00Sorry I'm late.
05:01Let me just change my clothes, and we'll go for a walk.
05:04Already had one.
05:06They got away from me a couple of times.
05:08These are them, right?
05:10What are you doing here?
05:12Oh, don't ask.
05:13You want a beer?
05:14I guess.
05:17Well, where's Abby?
05:18Well, I don't know where she is now,
05:20but she was on my back all day.
05:24Oh, sorry.
05:25Looks like I got the last one.
05:28Split it?
05:28Oh, no.
05:29Thanks.
05:31Did you and Abby have a fight?
05:33She threw me out.
05:34I gave the baby two bites of my beef burrito.
05:37Suddenly, I'm Satan.
05:40Meanwhile, she's indoctrinating the kid in the world of numbers,
05:43the linchpin of consumer-driven material excess.
05:47So she's upset that you gave him meat?
05:50You're not hearing my side of this at all, are you?
05:55Larry.
06:00You do know Dharma's staying at the art gallery.
06:02I know.
06:03That's why I figured it'd be cool to crash here
06:05until Hurricane Abby blows out the sea.
06:09Anyway, I don't want to impose.
06:10I'll just sleep on Dharma's side of the bed.
06:12You won't even know I'm here.
06:12Larry, you're sleeping on the couch.
06:18I wish.
06:19But this is really happening.
06:33Hey, Dharma.
06:36How's it going?
06:37Great.
06:38We had this huge crowd for lunch,
06:40and I clipped my toenails.
06:41Always a lunchtime favorite.
06:44Honey, we have a little problem.
06:48Your parents had a fight,
06:49and your dad spent the night at our place,
06:51and he doesn't wear pajamas,
06:53and he sat everywhere.
06:57Honey, you know what?
06:59He probably came over because he needs a shoulder to cry on.
07:01Did you try comforting him?
07:03Yeah, well, he did spoon me for a moment
07:06until I woke up and tried to peel my own skin off.
07:08Does that count?
07:09He slept in the bed with you?
07:18He claims that he got up from the couch to go to the bathroom
07:22and got disoriented on his way back.
07:25Dharma, can you give me a hand with this?
07:26Sure.
07:27Amazing piece, isn't it?
07:29Uh-huh.
07:33I think maybe you could take a little break
07:35and go and deal with Larry.
07:37Oh, honey, I can't just leave.
07:38It'll violate the integrity of the piece.
07:43Oh, what am I supposed to do?
07:48Honey, you know what?
07:49Abby and Larry get in these fights all the time,
07:51and it always blows over.
07:52And in the meantime, just lay down some towels.
07:58But they're brand-new towels.
07:59They're Egyptian cotton.
08:01He's new.
08:01He wasn't here yesterday.
08:03I'm not part of this.
08:05I'm not comfortable when they talk to you.
08:06I think he represents the repressed dark side
08:09of the human psyche.
08:11Yes, I do.
08:12Whoa.
08:18Larry?
08:19In here, Greg.
08:26Whoa.
08:30I'm sorry, Greg.
08:32Sorry.
08:33Sorry, man.
08:35No, no, no.
08:36My fault.
08:37I should have knocked when you said in here, Greg.
08:41You should have seen your face.
08:45You were so surprised.
08:47Yeah, well, I guess I just didn't expect
08:48to see my in-laws having sex on my butcher block.
08:51Well, Larry told me how picky you are about the bed, Greg,
08:54and we wanted to respect that.
08:56Thank you, Abby.
08:57I just, um, just glad that you made up.
09:00Oh, no.
09:00We haven't made up.
09:02She's still just as mad at me.
09:04Huh.
09:04Maybe more.
09:05But, uh, Larry and I keep our physical
09:07and emotional relationships separate.
09:11We're not about to punish our bodies
09:13for a fight our minds are having.
09:15Hurry, animals, Greg, and we need sexual release.
09:17I mean, I can do it by myself.
09:19I get it.
09:19I get it.
09:20You're still having a fight.
09:22Okay.
09:23Well, I know you probably want to make yourself some dinner,
09:25so we'll go finish in the bedroom.
09:28I thought we were finished.
09:30Was I speaking to you?
09:52Amazing piece, isn't it?
09:53You see that angry guy?
09:55That's a husband.
09:56This is gonna be great.
09:59Why can't anybody in your family keep their clothes on?
10:01It's not that hard.
10:02I'm sorry, what?
10:03I saw your parents having sex.
10:05Oh, did they make up?
10:06Or were they just servicing their bodies?
10:08Either way, the point is,
10:09I now have no place to chop vegetables.
10:11Dharma, please come home.
10:12This is absurd.
10:14Excuse me.
10:15Can you make it clear that you're talking about a marital issue?
10:17Because when you say this is absurd,
10:19it sounds like you're talking about the piece.
10:21And I think the guy in the tweed
10:22is the art critic from the Chronicle.
10:24I'm sorry if I was unclear.
10:26This piece is absurd.
10:29Yes, it is.
10:30Because life is absurd and art reflects life.
10:35You said you were going to be supportive
10:37of me doing the things that I love.
10:39I am, but Larry is driving me crazy.
10:41Yeah, but honey, you know I want to do this
10:43and I don't want to stop
10:43just because you're uncomfortable
10:44looking at my father's tushy.
10:46First of all, I am not looking at it.
10:48And secondly, please come home and deal with this.
10:50It's very important.
10:51Since when do you get to be the one
10:52who decides what's important?
10:53I don't know.
10:54Since you decided to run off
10:55and live in an art gallery?
10:56Look, you knew who I was when you married me.
10:59Okay, you didn't.
11:00But now you do.
11:01Okay, all right.
11:02So that's the way it's going to be.
11:02You get to do whatever you want.
11:03I have no say
11:04and Abby and Larry have sex on our butcher block.
11:05Well, at least my parents have sex.
11:07I leave my parents out of this.
11:08What I'm saying is
11:09maybe you wouldn't be so uptight
11:10if Kitty and Edward Montgomery
11:11had used the butcher block from time to time.
11:13Okay, all right, all right, all right.
11:14If that's what you have to do
11:15is stay here,
11:16then maybe I have to go
11:17and figure out what I have to do.
11:18What's that supposed to mean?
11:20It's art.
11:20It's open to interpretation.
11:32Come on, Greg.
11:32You can talk to me.
11:33I'm not just your father-in-law.
11:35I'm your friend.
11:35Listen, I just think that we're...
11:36Hang on.
11:41That should do it.
11:43All I want to say is
11:44I know you're upset with Dharma,
11:46but I got to tell you,
11:47you've really been short-tempered lately.
11:49Is there anything going on at work or at home?
11:57Well, you're living here.
12:00Exactly.
12:01That's got to be stressful.
12:02That's the kind of thing
12:04that would make you snap at Dharma.
12:06So you agree
12:09that your living here
12:10might exacerbate the problems
12:12I'm having with Dharma?
12:13Hmm, sure.
12:15You'd have to be some kind of a superman
12:16not to have that affect you.
12:19So you're saying that if you moved out,
12:21it might make it easier for me to handle this?
12:24It stands to reason.
12:26And don't be too big a man to say to Dharma,
12:29hey, I blew a fuse.
12:31I got this guy living with me.
12:33He's driving me crazy.
12:34He set fire to my sofa.
12:35He broke my garbage disposal.
12:37You what?
12:40You know, you're right.
12:41Don't bark her down in specifics.
12:42Just say,
12:43honey,
12:44maybe I overreacted
12:45because I'm under stress,
12:46but I love you.
12:47Larry,
12:48flare up.
12:49Hang on.
12:56I'm going to bed.
12:58Right behind you.
13:05Dharma,
13:06you asleep?
13:08No, I'm just watching him
13:09tow that guy's car over there.
13:12Listen,
13:13when that review comes out tomorrow,
13:14if it's a good one,
13:15then how could it not be?
13:18This piece could be extended
13:19maybe for a month.
13:21Terry,
13:22I don't know if I can
13:24do a month.
13:25Because of him?
13:27I prefer it when you call Greg
13:28that guy
13:28because he calls you him
13:29and it gets confusing.
13:31What do you want to do?
13:32Well, obviously this.
13:34I mean,
13:35today when I woke up,
13:36I had a string of spit
13:37hanging from my mouth
13:37and that's when that school group
13:38was here
13:39and those kids are now
13:39going to grow up
13:40to appreciate art.
13:43That's beautiful.
13:45Terry,
13:45don't you think
13:46in a relationship
13:46you have to make compromises?
13:48Absolutely.
13:49So you should tell that guy
13:49he's being unreasonable.
13:51He's talking about me.
13:55Terry,
13:55I think I have to go home.
13:57No, no, no, no, Dharma.
13:58Dharma,
13:58you can't leave.
13:59It's going to ruin everything.
14:00All right, look,
14:00here's the thing, Terry.
14:02I don't know
14:02if my marriage is at risk here,
14:04but I don't really
14:04want to find out.
14:05But if you compromise
14:06the essence of who you are, Dharma,
14:08who is it that Greg gets?
14:09Not the Dharma
14:10he fell in love with.
14:11Yeah, but
14:12if I do stay true to myself
14:13and I am the woman
14:14he fell in love with,
14:15then how do we stay together?
14:16Okay, okay,
14:17we totally have to stop talking
14:18now and start again later
14:18when the gallery opens
14:19because this is brilliant.
14:21Terry,
14:21this is my life
14:22we're talking about.
14:23This is my marriage.
14:23This is everything.
14:27Hey, hey, look at this.
14:29Dharma's little art thing is reviewed in the paper.
14:31Oh, really?
14:32Two people living in an art gallery is nothing more and nothing less.
14:37Well, that should have them popping the champagne.
14:40Actually, the fellow seems to like it.
14:42Oh.
14:43Oh, look at this.
14:45They mention us.
14:46They do?
14:47Then the argument got more heated.
14:49The woman suggested her husband wouldn't be so uptight if, quote,
14:53Edward and Kitty Montgomery had...
14:58Edward and Kitty Montgomery had what?
14:59Oh, that was it.
15:02Oh, you're an Aquarius, aren't you?
15:04It travels in your future.
15:05Let me see the paper.
15:08All right, all right, all right.
15:10You've changed your hair.
15:11It's lovely.
15:15Well, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life.
15:18No, no, no.
15:19What about the time at the governor's mansion
15:20when you took the back of your dress into your pantyhose?
15:24Or the O'Shaughnessy cocktail party
15:26when you sneezed and white Russian came out of your nose?
15:31Or the...
15:32Edward, you have made your point.
15:36And I had a good time doing it.
15:40I'm home.
15:41Please cover your bathing suit areas.
15:43Hey, look who I ran into at the discount meat warehouse.
15:47I thought you said you were going to go take a deposition.
15:49That's just what you say.
15:50Like, you know, I'm going to go see a man about a horse.
15:54Anyway, we pooled our money and we got the butcher's bonanza.
15:58You get six different cuts of steak,
16:00three different roasts, and assorted pork products.
16:04Larry, did you talk to Abby today?
16:06No.
16:07Why?
16:07What's going on?
16:09I'm going to go hang this up.
16:10Careful when you open the closet.
16:12The paint's still wet.
16:15Thank you, Larry.
16:20Looky, looky, looky.
16:21Fat bacon.
16:24Oh, my dad, what's up?
16:26Your mother wants you out of the will.
16:30Oh, no, they printed the butcher block thing.
16:32Let the record show I gave you hell about it.
16:35Son, if you don't mind,
16:36I'm going to cool my heels here for a while
16:37until your mother's tranquilizers kick in.
16:41Sure.
16:42Is that steaks I smell?
16:44It's either that or the sofa.
16:46Hey, Ed, what can we get you?
16:48Have you got a New York strip in there?
16:49Ooh, excellent choice.
16:51Look at the marbling on that.
16:52This came from one lazy cow.
16:55You know, Kitty's been talking to my doctor.
16:57The closest thing I get to a steak these days
16:59is some kind of Salisbury turkey pedi.
17:02I'd kill for that.
17:03The closest thing I get to steak is lima beans.
17:06Yeah, I'm sure that mother's just concerned about your health.
17:09Oh, you know, they say it's about your health,
17:10but it's all about control.
17:11That's why I left Jane.
17:13Jane threw you out and changed the locks.
17:15To control me?
17:18They tell you what to eat, what to do, what to wear.
17:21You think a grown man will be able to dress himself.
17:23Tell me about it.
17:24You line up the buttons wrong just one time,
17:26and they make you stand there while they do it for you.
17:29Is it possible they're just trying to keep you
17:31from looking ridiculous?
17:32The point is, son, that if you're doing something,
17:34they don't understand it, they don't like it,
17:36they squash it like a bug.
17:37Yeah, like how Abby wouldn't let me raise ostriches.
17:40Larry, it's a pretty risky investment.
17:43They're large, they're hard to care for.
17:45Wow.
17:46Put on a peasant dress and some patchouli,
17:48and you're Abby.
17:51You know what?
17:52You're going to make us turn off the game
17:53so we can look at some fabric swatches?
17:56You know what?
17:56I've got to go.
17:58Son, the boys are just teasing you
17:59about your womanly attitude.
18:03I know, Dad.
18:03This is something I've got to do.
18:05Are you going to raise those ostriches for meat?
18:08No.
18:09I was going to train monkeys to ride them.
18:11I saw it in a cartoon.
18:13Nice.
18:16Hello, Greg.
18:17Terry, can you give us a minute?
18:19Can I give you a minute?
18:20What, Greg, do I own time?
18:23First time I ask with words.
18:25Bathroom break.
18:31Listen, I've had a chance to think about this,
18:33and I don't understand what you're doing,
18:35and I wish you weren't doing it,
18:37and it is an inconvenience for me,
18:39but the bigger thing is I miss you very much.
18:43And more than anything,
18:45I don't want to turn into our mothers.
18:49Wow.
18:49That started off really sweet,
18:50and then it got kind of weird at the end.
18:52Yeah.
18:53The thing is, I shouldn't stop you from doing things
18:55just because I don't understand them.
18:56I should accept that they're important to you,
18:58whatever they are,
18:59whether it's living in a gallery
19:00or raising ostriches
19:02or raising ostriches in an art gallery.
19:06The thing is,
19:08you have to do this,
19:09and I have to deal with it,
19:10and then there'll be the next thing you'll have to do,
19:12and I'll deal with that, too.
19:13Yeah, and then you'll do things that I don't understand,
19:15and I'll have to deal with them.
19:17No, I won't.
19:17No, you won't.
19:23Oh, yeah?
19:26Check this out.
19:35I guess I can deal with Larry, uh,
19:37till Saturday.
19:39Yeah, um, actually, honey,
19:40the piece is extended for a month.
19:45Okay.
19:46I'll be back tonight with a pair of pajamas,
19:48some clean clothes,
19:49and, uh,
19:50drapes.
19:52Hey, honey, honey,
19:54bring your electric nose hair clippers.
19:55You used to love that.
20:07Good morning.
20:08Good morning.
20:10I'll make coffee.
20:11Okay.
20:12Morning.
20:13Morning.
20:14Do you mind if I, uh,
20:15get in the shower first?
20:16I have to be at the office by nine.
20:18Sure.
20:18I don't get it.
20:21It's art, Edward Montgomery.
20:24Now, come along home.
20:25We're going to have sex,
20:26as we do on a regular basis.
20:28Oh, my God.
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