- 32 minutes ago
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FunTranscript
00:01You're driving yourself crazy with all that research.
00:04I'll tell you how to buy a car, my friend.
00:06Police auction.
00:08No, thank you.
00:09I got this baby for 4,000 bucks.
00:12Sure, on a hot day you can still tell it was a canine unit,
00:15but that's a hell of a deal.
00:17Look at this car.
00:18Rated number one in the National Transportation Board crash test,
00:21but Consumer Reports gives it the worst repair record.
00:23It's nice. Red.
00:26You know, I wouldn't mind something a little sportier for myself,
00:29but Dharma definitely needs something safe and boxy and Swedish.
00:36Hey, is that a bullet hole?
00:40Oh, yeah. I told you about that girl, Tanya, right?
00:45Hey, check out this pad, boy.
00:47It says $700. I bet you can get it for $5.
00:50Yeah, but where do you dock it?
00:52I hope they move it before Dharma sees it.
00:57Hey, boys. Check out my new wheels.
00:59You mean because, uh, she might buy it?
01:02Woo! Ta-da.
01:20So, what do you think?
01:22Uh, well, it's, uh, it's, uh...
01:27Totally bitchin'?
01:30Yes, that's just the most used I was looking for.
01:35Oh, no, no, no, no.
01:37I want you to arrange the jack-o'-lanterns so they don't look arranged.
01:41Look at this little window.
01:44Hello, out there!
01:46I used to have a car like this.
01:48Your mother never looked prettier than riding beside me the wind in her hair.
01:52Edward, I never knew you when you drove a convertible.
01:56Hmm.
01:57I wonder what ever happened to that gal.
02:00Ed, will you please explain to Dharma that when you buy a used car,
02:03you're just buying someone else's problems?
02:05Honey, you don't know anything about this car.
02:06Oh, I know a lot about it.
02:09It's a great ride.
02:11It's a cool color.
02:13And it has a very roomy trunk.
02:15You don't know how it was maintained.
02:17You don't know how it was driven.
02:18You don't know anything about the previous owner.
02:20Sure, I do.
02:21He, uh...
02:23He liked racehorses.
02:26Smoked Lucky Strikes.
02:29And he...
02:31Had a head.
02:33Ring-a-ding-ding, Dolphus.
02:36Smart hat, buddy.
02:37Here, Ed.
02:38This could be your Halloween costume.
02:40Hey, Kitty.
02:41What do you think?
02:42For the country club thing?
02:44Absolutely not.
02:45We're going as Robin Hood and Maid Marian as always.
02:48Oh, I hate Halloween.
02:50I'm never allowed to eat the candy.
02:52Some kid always eggs my house and I have to wear green pantyhose.
02:58They're tights, Edward.
03:00Tighter every year.
03:02Hey, guys.
03:03How about instead of going to a restaurant tonight,
03:04we get a couple buckets of chicken,
03:06drive someplace where there's a view,
03:08and neck.
03:11Now he's taking the car to another mechanic,
03:14but they all just keep saying the same thing.
03:16Car's fine.
03:17Junk the husband.
03:19I will buy the car from you.
03:20$200 right now cash.
03:22Don't think about it.
03:22Just do it.
03:24Come on.
03:25I would look hot in that.
03:29Well, it's got a lot of problems, but it is safe,
03:31and I must admit, it's a kick in the head to drive.
03:36Really?
03:37Of course, we might have to, uh,
03:39freeze a few palms to get it to pass that smog check.
03:41So, neat jacket.
03:43Did you find that in the trunk?
03:44No, I had the top down.
03:45It got a little chilly, so I stopped and I picked it up for $10.
03:47Look, it goes with the, uh, hat.
03:53Yeah, it does, but they've been separated for years.
03:57Look at you, reuniting them like some kind of weird
04:00daytime talk show for clothes.
04:03You think he would take $6 for the jacket?
04:05I would look hot in it.
04:08Honey, do we have any, uh, juicy fruit?
04:10Juicy fruit?
04:11I'm gonna cruise over to the store and pick up a pack.
04:12Back in the gym.
04:22Do you smell Old Spice?
04:25Yeah.
04:25I think you've been drinking it.
04:28Good night, Finkelstein.
04:29Hold on, Ed.
04:30You might want to take a look at this.
04:32You know how stuff has been walking out of the supply room lately?
04:35Yeah?
04:36Well, I hooked up an extra security camera,
04:37and guess who just snuck in there?
04:39Your secretary and your director of integrated marketing systems.
04:42You're kidding.
04:44Oh, good lord, I don't want to see that.
04:48Neither do I.
04:49But it's my job.
04:52Finkelstein,
04:53do you think you could set up one of those cameras at my place?
04:56You and Kitty want to spice things up in the bedroom, huh?
04:59Listen, Finkelstein,
05:00I want to catch the punk that's been egging my house every Halloween.
05:04You know, you can't get egg off.
05:05You have to repaint the...
05:08whole damn house.
05:12All right.
05:13I'll set it up tomorrow.
05:15Thanks.
05:19Boy, she won't even get me coffee.
05:24Where's Greg?
05:26Got me.
05:27Last night?
05:28He went out for gum, came back three hours later.
05:31Said he was throwing dice with the guy at the store.
05:34Greg doesn't gamble.
05:35I know.
05:38Buy yourself something pretty.
05:44Sorry I'm late, but the chow's on me.
05:46I hit the trifecta at Golden Gate.
05:49Hey, hey, hey.
05:50Who's got a little sugar for daddy-o?
05:55What you got going on here?
05:57You like it?
05:58A little stash.
05:59A little stirbing?
06:01Give it some time.
06:02It'll grow on ya.
06:03It's growing on me.
06:08When did you learn that?
06:10When did I learn that?
06:13I gotta go see a man about a horse.
06:14Order me a porterhouse, y'ight thick bone ends.
06:17Duke him a fin.
06:17Tell him I want it to moo.
06:21You know, the stash might be the least creepy thing about him.
06:25How long has he been acting like this?
06:27A couple days.
06:28It's really weird.
06:29The clothes, the aftershave, and he wants to drive my car all the time.
06:32And then when I ask him what's happening,
06:34he says, you are, baby, you are.
06:37You know what it sounds like to me, Derma?
06:39It sounds like the car has taken him over.
06:42Abby, a car can't possess someone.
06:44No, of course not.
06:46But the residual energy from a previous owner can.
06:51Especially if he departed this plane of existence in a troubled state.
06:56What do you know about this car?
06:58I guess not a lot.
07:00Derma, I'm surprised at you.
07:02You of all people should know you can't buy a used car if you don't first check out its spiritual
07:06history.
07:09You know what is wrong with men's rooms these days?
07:11No shoeshine stands.
07:13Ooh, check out those shoes.
07:15Two-tone spectators.
07:16I'm out cruising around.
07:17I got the top down.
07:18I see them in a window.
07:19Something came over me.
07:20Cuckoo, huh?
07:23All right, Craig, come on.
07:24What is happening?
07:25You are, baby.
07:25You are.
07:28Well, to start with, there's only been one owner.
07:30There's been no major accidents.
07:32And it really does only have 60,000 miles.
07:34I checked with a DMV.
07:35Hey, Pete, thanks for doing this.
07:36Oh, it's no problem.
07:37I had to go down there anyway.
07:38I've been driving on an expired Jamaican license since 89.
07:42So, did you find out about any weird knocking sounds or poltergeists?
07:46Any mention of a bone-chilling draft from the glove compartment?
07:49I don't know.
07:51Maybe it's on the back here.
07:54It almost seems the car has a ghost.
07:57So, did you find out anything about the guy who owned it?
08:00It was a Stanley Green.
08:01He died in 1972, but his sister kept the car in storage until earlier this month.
08:06Oh, yeah, I got an article about the guy.
08:08It's right here.
08:12Local crime figure found dead.
08:15Apparent suicide under investigation.
08:17Ooh.
08:18The hair on my arm just went wah.
08:22Local bookmaker Stanley Shorty Green was found slumped over the wheel of his car in his garage.
08:29Apparent suicide, excessive gambling debts.
08:32Hmm.
08:34Look at Amanda's.
08:35Even back then, same stupid haircut.
08:41Oh, my God!
08:44Hey, Toots, what's happening?
08:48You are, baby.
08:50You are.
08:57Hey, Abby, Greg could wake up any minute.
08:59Can you skip the little spirits and just look for the huge dead gamblers?
09:03Greg still asleep?
09:04Yeah, he was up all night playing Texas Hold'em in the back of some dentist office.
09:07He came home with $200 and a shopping bag full of floss.
09:09Because floss don't grow on trees, baby.
09:12Okay, okay.
09:14I think, I think I'm getting something here.
09:25Dharma, you know what?
09:27I'm not really very good with cars.
09:29I know a woman in Berkeley, but you might have to leave it with her a couple of days.
09:33Couple of days?
09:34Check with your insurance.
09:36Sometimes they pay for a rental.
09:38You know what, honey?
09:40I think you have to consider the possibility that whatever negative energy was in this car
09:45is now in Greg.
09:48So that means that Greg is becoming Shorty Green, and Shorty Green killed himself in this car.
09:54Abby, I have to get rid of this car.
09:55Yeah.
09:56I don't know why they called him Shorty.
09:58He looks like a regular sized person to me.
10:01Where did you find that?
10:02Greg's briefcase.
10:04Dharma, isn't that the file of stuff you showed me before?
10:06No, that's still upstairs.
10:09Whoa, wait a minute.
10:11If this is in Greg's briefcase, then he knows all about Shorty Green.
10:15He's totally screwing with me.
10:20He's just doing this to make me get rid of the car.
10:23Well, Dharma, can you blame him?
10:26The thing's haunted.
10:38Hey, Daddy, your baby's home.
10:41Hey there.
10:43Sorry I'm light, but geez, Louise, the day just got away from me.
10:47I wanted to go shopping for some unmentionables.
10:52But the car just wanted to go to the track.
10:55It's like it knew the way.
10:58And how did things go at the track?
11:01Not so hot.
11:02But I met this guy.
11:03He's six foot one and his brother's a jockey.
11:06Go figure, right?
11:09Anyway, he gave me a tip about a filly running tonight.
11:13But I'm flat broke, so...
11:18How's about you and me go get some lettuce, head back to the track and turn that lettuce into dough?
11:26Come on, come on, I'll drive.
11:29We don't have to do that.
11:31No, we don't.
11:33Do we, Greg?
11:34No, because I can phone in the bet.
11:37Come on, give it up.
11:41Hey, Mikey, guess who?
11:42Yeah, I want to bet the eighth race at Golden Gate.
11:45Uh, elbow room to win.
11:48I don't know, give me, uh, give me five grand.
11:50Eh, make it ten, make it twenty.
11:52He wants to make it twenty, Mikey.
11:56There must be some tip.
11:57You heard the lady, make it twenty large.
11:58And be quiet when you back up the money truck.
12:00My neighbors like to sleep in.
12:03Thanks for the tip, doll.
12:08I'm gonna bop down to the corner for a hot shave.
12:11I'll meet you out front in a half an hour and we'll go paint the town red.
12:14With white polka dots.
12:21Bigel C and I sure appreciate you helping me out with this thing.
12:24Frankly, I'm always glad to get out of the house on Halloween.
12:27Abby has this party for her friends.
12:29They cackle and dance around.
12:31It's a regular coven.
12:32Yeah, I know what you mean.
12:33Kitty has her book club ladies over.
12:36Oh, you mean an actual coven.
12:39They light a big bonfire and parade around naked.
12:42No kidding.
12:43Yeah, tell you the truth.
12:44When her friends were in their twenties, it was kinda nice.
12:48These days I can take it or leave it.
12:50Sure.
12:52All right, we'll watch the front of the house from here.
12:54The camera will give us a view from the side.
12:57We're gonna catch us an egg thrower.
13:00Eggleston, are you sure the camera's pointed in the right direction?
13:03Hey, who's the surveillance professional here?
13:13What are you supposed to be?
13:15A wonderful, trusting human being who is open to many possibilities in this universe, and
13:20because of that, is being made fun of by her husband.
13:24Nobody's gonna get that.
13:27Hey, Dharma.
13:28Is Greg upstairs?
13:30No.
13:31He ran to the corner for a shave, and I don't know how that's gonna work out because there's
13:35just a Starbucks there.
13:37Oh, hey, there's my briefcase.
13:39No.
13:40This is Greg's briefcase.
13:42No, no, no.
13:42It used to be Greg's briefcase.
13:44He gave it to me because he found another one that used to belong to Sammy Davis Jr.
13:49This is your briefcase?
13:50Yeah.
13:50All the stuff in here is yours?
13:52Yeah.
13:53And what was he doing in our car?
13:55I must have thrown it in the trunk when he dragged me down to the Indian Casino.
13:59All right.
14:01This briefcase is yours.
14:03Then what's in it?
14:04I don't know.
14:05The Greenblatt file?
14:06The Suarez deposition?
14:07My copy of the files about the car?
14:12Oh, my God.
14:13So he wasn't screwing with me.
14:16Hey, Greg asked me to bring by some cash.
14:20I heard he's having a little trouble with the ponies.
14:23Tell him I could only get $9,000.
14:25Pete, I made him bet $20,000.
14:28Yeah, and he lost.
14:30He's gonna have to get the rest from his parents or pawn something.
14:34Tell him to do it quick, because Mike is serious.
14:37I thought it was Mikey.
14:38It's Mike when he's serious.
14:44Wait, Pete.
14:45If I wanted to get rid of a car, but I didn't want to sell it,
14:48because I didn't want the burden of unleashing evil onto some innocent person,
14:51what should I do?
14:53If someone stole the car, that wouldn't be an innocent person.
14:57Well, how would I get it stolen?
14:59Besides leaving it here with the keys in it?
15:02Thanks.
15:10And don't stand by it.
15:12Right.
15:16So did she believe it was your briefcase?
15:19Yeah, I was touching gold for a minute, but I didn't think she did.
15:22She's getting rid of the car.
15:23She left the keys in it.
15:28So long, Shorty.
15:33Well, don't stand next to her.
15:34Come on.
15:48Stop that.
15:50Was I humming again?
15:52The seat, Finkelstein.
15:53Stop moving the seat.
15:54I can't get comfortable.
15:55It's a Mercedes.
15:56You're comfortable.
15:59Can I have some potato chips?
16:06What are you doing?
16:07Putting chips on my sandwich.
16:09You can't put chips on your sandwich.
16:11Chips are a side dish.
16:12For you, they're on the side.
16:14For me, they're part of the sandwich.
16:16Some people eat mayonnaise on the side.
16:24No one eats mayonnaise on the side.
16:28Well, if you did, I wouldn't judge you.
16:32I'm gonna hit the latrine.
16:34Oh.
16:35Here you go.
16:36What is that?
16:37We're on a steak-out.
16:39Here's your latrine.
16:40I'm not gonna use that.
16:41It's okay.
16:42I won't watch.
16:43I don't care about that.
16:45I'm going inside.
16:47All right.
16:47Just rinse it out before you bring it back.
16:51Ed!
17:02Hey, you!
17:04What are you doing there?
17:06Stop!
17:06Stop!
17:08Get an answer there!
17:12Did you see who it was?
17:13Oh, Larry!
17:14What are you doing here?
17:15Ed would ask me to help catch the egg thrower.
17:17Oh, well, nice try.
17:19Look at my house.
17:21It'll never come off.
17:22No, egg doesn't come off.
17:24You have to paint.
17:25Ah, I suppose so.
17:26Well, this year I'm thinking Sage with, um, Hunter Green trim.
17:32Actually, the trim's okay.
17:33They missed it completely.
17:35Ah.
17:36You know, Larry, would you check around back?
17:38They couldn't have gotten very far.
17:40Good thinking.
17:40You know, I didn't like the looks of those ballerinas.
17:51Oh, there goes the trim.
18:03I'm really sorry about the car.
18:04Oh, no, what happens?
18:05Cars get stolen.
18:07You know, it was fun while it lasted, but I think we're better off in a more conventional
18:12Swedish car.
18:14Yeah.
18:19Honey, I'm really glad that you're back to normal, but I did a bad thing.
18:22I let someone steal the car you love on purpose, and now some unsuspecting person,
18:26whose only crime is that he steals cars, will be doomed to live out the life of Shorty
18:32Green.
18:33Grandma, nobody's doomed.
18:35Yes, they are, honey.
18:36We have to find that car.
18:37No, we don't.
18:37Listen, the whole thing was a scam.
18:40It was my briefcase.
18:42I didn't make any bets.
18:43We're not broke.
18:44I just figured it was the only way I could get you to get rid of the car.
18:51What?
18:54This kind of thing isn't like you.
18:57No, I know.
18:57And I'm sorry.
18:59I should have stopped, but I got carried away.
19:02It was kind of fun.
19:03No, don't apologize, honey.
19:04It wasn't you.
19:04It was the car.
19:05It wasn't the car.
19:07Honey, Greg Montgomery is not deceitful and lying to his wife and pulling off some kind
19:12of congy.
19:13But you know who is?
19:14Shorty Green.
19:16Did you hear what I just said?
19:18I said I planned the whole thing out.
19:19But not until after.
19:20You had already driven the car and been under its influence.
19:23Honey, it's okay.
19:24I'll find the car myself.
19:25My mother knows a woman in Berkeley who can take care of it.
19:31But a car can't be possessed.
19:32Of course not, honey.
19:34A person is possessed.
19:35A car is haunted.
19:47Oh, look, we have lobster today.
19:53Here you go, kitten.
19:55There's your earring.
19:56Thanks, baby.
19:58Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars.
20:19Man, she is limber.
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