- 1 day ago
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00:01I love your lipstick, Anita.
00:03It's not lipstick. I just ate a popsicle.
00:07Well, it's a very good flavor on you.
00:10Price check, loanback goat's milk.
00:13So how's it going with the two of you?
00:15Real good.
00:16Did you give her the poem you wrote?
00:17You wrote. I didn't have much to do with it.
00:19Now, that's not true.
00:20I probably wouldn't have written her a poem if it wasn't for you.
00:26I'll go right back. I'm gonna get a price.
00:28So what happened with the poem?
00:30Well, it worked.
00:31Yeah, she wants to go out again?
00:32I think she wants to have sex.
00:35Really? What did she say?
00:36I want to have sex.
00:39Woo-hoo! Can I write a poem or what?
00:45Guess who's going to have sex?
00:48If it's not me, I don't need to know.
00:51Why don't you come over tomorrow and I'll give you some pointers on how to please a woman?
00:56You're gonna what?
00:58Don't worry. It's not what you're thinking.
00:59I'm just gonna make sure he knows where a woman's erogenous zones are.
01:04That's like three times worse than what I was thinking.
01:09That's her. Be cool.
01:11Hey, you. Come here.
01:13Remember, shave your legs the day of or not at all.
01:34Hey, you guys remember Donald?
01:36Oh, sure. Donald. Of course.
01:39He's that nice boy. Lives in their building and works in the grocery store.
01:42Oh, Donald. Thanks.
01:45Anyway, great news. Looks like he's going to lose his virginity.
01:49Oh, good. I was hoping we'd talk about this some more.
01:53Greg doesn't like to talk about sex.
01:55Unless he's having sex, then he's pretty chatty.
02:02I just don't think that whatever goes on between Donald and...
02:05Anita.
02:06...is any of our business.
02:07Greg, in many cultures, the breaking of the hymen or the penis's first vaginal penetration
02:12is celebrated by the whole tribe.
02:16Okay, I'm done.
02:19This is a milestone that a person remembers for their entire life.
02:23You know, like your first kiss or your first steps.
02:25Oh, your first steps.
02:27I remember that like it was yesterday.
02:29Me too.
02:30Hold on. You remember taking your first steps?
02:33Sure. Remember, Abby?
02:34I was still kind of bald, so I had that little knit cap on
02:37with the red fuzzy ball on top of it.
02:39Yeah, yeah. You lost that.
02:41Yeah.
02:42No, actually, it's under the couch at Grandma's,
02:44along with a couple pieces of that pumpernickel toast she was always pushing.
02:48Mom, you can't possibly remember that.
02:51Remember? I wish I could forget.
02:53Breast milk and pumpernickel do not mix.
02:57Well, what's your earliest memory, Greg?
03:00Me?
03:00Everything before you said vaginal penetration's kind of a blur.
03:04Come on, seriously, honey.
03:06When's your first childhood memory?
03:09I don't know.
03:10I'm eight or nine, whenever you go to your first mock senate.
03:16That's too bad.
03:19What's your earliest memory?
03:21Oh, gosh.
03:22Um, I remember looking up and seeing this big, beautiful horse,
03:29and then all of a sudden the belly burst open and all these Greek soldiers started pouring out.
03:37Are you talking about the Trojan War?
03:40We called it the War of Greek Aggression.
03:45Honey, all your memories are there.
03:46You just have to find ways to trigger them.
03:48You know what?
03:49Let's try a little experiment.
03:52Scent is a very powerful trigger.
03:55Okay, we'll take this vanilla extract.
03:57Greg, you smell it.
03:59Tell us what it brings to mind.
04:05I don't know.
04:05I'm not really getting anything.
04:07Don't feel bad.
04:08It's really hard.
04:12Come on.
04:13Close your eyes and try again.
04:18Oh, my God.
04:19What?
04:20Well, there was this good humor man who used to drive through our neighborhood,
04:24but my mother would never let me have any
04:26because no son of hers was going to eat anything from a truck.
04:31But one time, the maid snuck out and brought me a nutty buddy.
04:37But my mother caught us, and she sent me to my room.
04:42Oh, that's so sad.
04:43No, no, no.
04:44I got off easy.
04:45She sent the maid back to El Salvador.
04:49Hey, let me try.
04:55Vanilla.
04:58So, Donald, what have your folks told you about pleasing a woman?
05:02Because there's no use in me going over stuff they've already covered.
05:04Well, they focus mainly on disease control and hygiene.
05:09Okay, so you're scared and clean.
05:11Good.
05:12Let's get to the fun stuff.
05:14What do you know about the female orgasm?
05:20Wouldn't that be more in the woman's bailiwick?
05:22You don't think so, but when it comes to sex, your bailiwicks should overlap.
05:29Hey.
05:29Hey, you're just in time.
05:31I was just explaining to Donald the man's responsibility in the female orgasm.
05:39Great.
05:46He's not much of a talker, but let me tell you,
05:48that is a man who will not quit until the job is done.
06:17Free sample of high karate?
06:20Free?
06:20Oh, solid.
06:24Whoa.
06:30The important thing to remember is to enjoy the journey.
06:34Be in the moment.
06:35Don't just touch her body.
06:37Feel the warmth of her skin touching your hand.
06:42Um, Dharma, this might be a good time for another break.
06:46Why don't we just change the subject and talk about setting the mood?
06:50That or current events.
06:51Okay.
06:52It's important that you choose a location that's comfortable for both...
07:04Okay.
07:05That's comfortable for both of you, because sex starts long before sex actually starts.
07:15Well, that's why it's very important to choose a romantic, relaxing location for you to make love.
07:24I mean, once you have more experience, you could do it in the bathroom of a Barnes & Noble with
07:27the manager banging on the door, but you're not there yet.
07:30Well, we've got a couple really good options.
07:32If we can figure out how to take the bench out of her mom's Suburban, there's that.
07:36Or, my grandfather's blind, so if we're real quiet, we can use his place.
07:42Okay, those are both good, but what about your bedroom?
07:46Oh, no.
07:47My mother doesn't even let me take food in there.
07:50Donald, you need a place where you can light some candles, play some music, maybe burn some incense?
07:55You mean like here?
07:56Oh!
07:59Honored.
08:02Greg, however, would go completely mental.
08:05Yeah, I understand.
08:06Yeah.
08:06Oh, you could use my parents' place.
08:08Aw, but my mom would stand outside the door drumming and chanting, and if you weren't raised with that, that
08:13could really throw you off your game.
08:18Tarma, did you know that the guy at the newsstand downstairs remembers leaving Pakistan when he was 18 months old?
08:24Yes, I did.
08:25Did you know he could put his whole fist in his mouth?
08:30No.
08:31Um, listen, I've got this crazy idea.
08:34What do you think if I, uh, if I spent the night in my old room at my parents' house,
08:39you know, so I could smell stuff?
08:40Oh.
08:43It's not crazy, honey.
08:44Crazy is going into a stranger's room and smelling their stuff.
08:48I'll go pack a bag.
08:51You realize what this means.
08:53Well, based on his comments, I can only infer that he's using olfactory stimulation to trigger childhood memories.
08:59Donald, you and Anita can have sex in our bedroom tonight.
09:02Oh.
09:03I got that, too.
09:05I'm just in fear-based denial.
09:07Oh.
09:08Don't worry.
09:09You're ready.
09:10I'll take the dogs, and I'll sleep at my parents'.
09:12Are you going to tell Greg?
09:14Uh, no.
09:15He's got enough going on right now.
09:17He doesn't need to be distracted by being all mad at me.
09:21Whip-cream, candles, grapes, condoms.
09:28Hi, Anita.
09:32Hi.
09:34Paper or plastic?
09:36You choose.
09:37It's all for you.
09:39Um, thanks.
09:41Now listen, it's your responsibility to tell Donald what your body needs.
09:46I already told him.
09:47Beer and chips.
09:52Trust me, Anita.
09:53You don't need alcohol.
09:55If this is your first time, you want to be present and aware of every caress, every tender kiss, every
10:02wham, every bam.
10:06The only intoxicant you and Donald need is love.
10:10Love?
10:11Uh-huh.
10:12Look, I don't know what Donald told you, but here's my deal.
10:15I just don't want to go to college a virgin.
10:19Oh, Anita.
10:21I think Donald might be in love with you.
10:24Oh, man.
10:25I should have known after that stupid poem.
10:28Stupid.
10:31Do you have any idea how hard it was for him, probably, to write it?
10:36Listen.
10:39Maybe you ought to postpone this until you can think it through.
10:42Well, there's nothing to think through.
10:43I just want to have sex.
10:47Understandable, but Donald's a man.
10:49He has feelings.
10:52I'm sorry.
10:53I have to get back to work.
10:56Hey, well, if you want to call me and talk.
11:00Pump them and dump them.
11:01Man, I miss dating.
11:05So anyway, if you need me, I'll be in my old room smelling stuff.
11:15What did he say?
11:17He said he'd be in his room smelling stuff.
11:21Oh.
11:21All right.
11:24Is that something we should be concerned about?
11:28Hey, Ab, do you remember on your 25th birthday, I forgot where I hid your present?
11:36Not really.
11:39Happy birthday.
11:40Oh.
11:42Where was it?
11:44Right where I left it.
11:46Janice Ian's between the lines.
11:50On a trip.
11:54Remember?
11:55It's what you asked for.
11:59How are we going to listen to it?
12:01Easy.
12:02I'll find the A-track player.
12:10It's on the shelf.
12:15In a hall closet.
12:20Whoa.
12:21Did you know we lived in Boulder?
12:28Gregory?
12:31Am I interrupting?
12:32Hold on.
12:34Did I play t-ball?
12:36I wouldn't know.
12:38Uh, so listen, dear.
12:41Has this little, um, uh, memory experiment borne any fruit?
12:46Nothing yet.
12:46Uh-huh.
12:47Well, in the event it does, I thought I might be able to clarify some things for you.
12:53Like what?
12:54Well, for example, your allergy to bees.
12:57Oh, how could I forget that?
12:59I couldn't run barefoot outside.
13:01I couldn't go camping.
13:03I couldn't climb trees.
13:04Yeah, well, funny, funny thing about that, dear.
13:08Um, you were never actually stung by a bee.
13:12You have no allergy.
13:14I made it up.
13:18You made it up?
13:19Well, you insisted on running around and getting filthy, and it, uh, it seemed like a clever solution.
13:28Anyway, you, you stayed inside, you studied hard, and you went to Harvard, so it all worked out.
13:34Bye-bye.
13:39I'm trying to separate out my feelings.
13:42Am I protecting Donald from getting hurt?
13:45Or am I just mad at Anita because she got all snotty about my poem?
13:53Abby, the Betamax, and another garage door opener.
13:58Very good, Larry.
14:00Dharma, can I toss my two cents in here?
14:02Sure.
14:03How well do you recall Khalil Gibran's The Prophet?
14:07A little.
14:08Let me refresh your memory.
14:10Gibran writes, and I quote,
14:15Think not you can direct the course of love.
14:18For love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
14:23And don't forget, there are powerful physical urges at work here.
14:26I remember one summer, when I was a boy, it was a hot day.
14:30I was running through the sprinkler, when my grandmother came out of the house and said,
14:38Which is Yiddish, for take your hand out of your bathing suit before you go blind.
14:46Larry, that's amazing.
14:48It's also a myth.
14:50Back to my main point.
14:52Consider Shakespeare's words in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
14:55The Course of True Love.
15:05No!
15:16My high karate!
15:19Larry, relax.
15:20We'll get some more.
15:21We can't.
15:22They stopped making it in 19...
15:2519...
15:2519...
15:26Oh, my God.
15:28Come back!
15:31Dog!
15:34Larry, it's Nunzio.
15:36Tell him I'll call him back.
15:37I gotta catch the dog!
15:41Hello?
15:42Come on in.
15:44Smelling your clarinet, I see.
15:46Uh-huh.
15:48Well, I'll make this short.
15:50You were a natural right-hander, and I trained you to be a lefty.
15:58What?
16:00Well, you were kind of slight as a kid, and I thought being a southpaw would give you an advantage
16:05in sports, like, uh, Sandy Koufax.
16:08I-I don't ever remember us playing catch.
16:12We couldn't.
16:14Turns out you were allergic to bees.
16:16I don't believe this.
16:18Dad, there is research that proves that forcing a child to use his non-dominant hand can cause severe psychological
16:24problems.
16:26Really?
16:29Well, sorry.
16:30Won't happen again.
16:37Come in.
16:42Dorma!
16:43What are you doing here?
16:44Anita will be here in a second.
16:46I just wanted to talk to you before you...
16:48Is that my robe?
16:49I thought it was Greg's.
16:52I'll go change.
16:53Oh, no, no, no, no.
16:54It's okay.
16:54You look cute in it.
16:58Donald, I have to be honest with you.
16:59I'm having second thoughts about tonight.
17:01What do you mean?
17:04Well, I'm concerned that Anita doesn't have the same deep feelings for you as you do for her.
17:13Really?
17:15Really.
17:16So she doesn't want to have sex?
17:19No, she wants to have sex, but I just don't think she loves you.
17:25But she does want to have sex.
17:29Yes, but in a loveless, mechanical matter of that kind of way.
17:36But again, she does want to have sex.
17:39Donald, listen.
17:40No, I understand that I'm emotionally vulnerable and there's a chance that consummating this relationship is going to end up
17:46breaking my heart.
17:48Yes.
17:50Well, I'm willing to take that chance.
17:54I'm not going to let you do this.
17:56Then I might have to kill you.
18:00No, Dahmer, you don't understand.
18:01At any moment, I could explode and level this entire building.
18:06Okay.
18:07I gotcha.
18:08Careful.
18:15Hi.
18:17Look, don't try and talk me out of this.
18:19I'm going to have sex.
18:21Well, if you want to have it with Donald, you better hurry.
18:27You've had long, beautiful curls, and it was one dress, Edward, one time.
18:33I think he should know that.
18:35Well, then I think he should know that your lawyer took him to the father-son picnic.
18:39They won the damn wheelbarrow race, didn't they?
18:42And besides, you were the one that forgot him, and he meant Marcus.
18:47You forgot him at a bar.
18:49He had his own table, and I left the tab open.
18:53He called me in tears.
18:55Darma, are you there?
18:56Are you screening?
18:57He called me in tears.
18:58Listen, I'm coming home.
19:00It turns out I'm better off not knowing about my childhood.
19:02I'll see you in a little bit.
19:05I have no idea what you're talking about.
19:07Poppycock, at least when I said I was playing tennis, I was actually playing tennis.
19:11It always comes back to that, doesn't it?
19:14Till the day you die, Edward.
19:16Till the day you die.
19:32Hmm.
19:34Pity sex.
19:37I've earned it.
19:45Daddy's very sad.
19:49Why don't you kiss him and make it all better?
19:54Mr. Montgomery, could you move your hand?
20:09Is Darma here?
20:10Yeah.
20:10Uh, Darma, uh, Donald's here.
20:12Listen, Mr. Montgomery, I'm real sorry about what happened.
20:14I don't know what you're talking about.
20:18Well, last night when you...
20:19Um, listen to me.
20:20I don't recall anything that happened last night, and neither do you.
20:28Hey, Donald.
20:29Hi.
20:30I got this dry cleaned.
20:31I sat on some grapes.
20:34Thanks.
20:35So?
20:36How did it go with you and Anita last night?
20:38Great.
20:38It was really amazing.
20:39What little of it I recall.
20:44You're okay with this being just a one-night stand?
20:46Oh, she'll be back for more.
20:50How do you know?
20:51She said, I'll be back for more.
20:54Cool.
20:55What about the poem?
20:56Did that ever come up again?
20:57Hey, Greg.
20:58Hey, hi.
20:59What's up?
20:59Hang on.
21:04Jiffy Lube.
21:05I left the van at Jiffy Lube.
21:09I left the van at Jiffy Lube.
21:29I left the van at Jiffy Lube.
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