- 5 days ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:0188, 89, this is making me horny, 91, 92, we're definitely taking this home, 93, 94.
00:08Darma, have you seen your father?
00:10No, no, why?
00:11Oh, you'll find out, it's a surprise.
00:14Carl, have you seen Larry?
00:16Larry's not here, man.
00:20Hey, Darma.
00:22Hey, Carl.
00:23Greg, this is my dad's friend, Carl.
00:25Carl, this is my husband, Greg.
00:26Nice to meet you.
00:27Nice to meet you is my father's name.
00:29You can call me Carl.
00:32Hey, can I get everybody's attention?
00:34Oh, yeah, we have a little announcement here.
00:36Gather around, Darma, come here.
00:37Hey, can someone shut off the music?
00:40For the last 30 years, I've been lucky to have this beautiful lady lay across my big brass bed.
00:47And I've been blessed to spend my life gazing into these kaleidoscope eyes.
00:54Are you going to start singing?
00:55Gosh, I hope so.
00:56So, to commemorate the anniversary of the day we first met...
01:02And the second time we slept together...
01:06A week from Tuesday...
01:08We're getting married!
01:10Ah!
01:11That is so awesome!
01:13My parents are getting hit!
01:15Ah!
01:16Well, are you sure you two crazy kids aren't rushing into anything?
01:19That was my concern.
01:21No, we've given this a lot of thought, so it's a week from Tuesday, 1 o'clock, San Francisco, City
01:27Hall.
01:28I can't just go get married at City Hall.
01:30You have to let me throw you a big wedding with all your friends.
01:32Right, guys?
01:33Yeah!
01:34Donna, are you sure you don't want to think about this?
01:35Throwing a wedding can be hard.
01:37What's so hard, Greg?
01:38It's just Abby and Larry.
01:39It'll be totally cash, right?
01:40Totally!
01:41Although the food would have to be vegan.
01:42And some of the gang knows lacto-ovo.
01:44And some are kosher.
01:45Mm-hmm.
01:46Kosher vegan.
01:48And you know what might be nice?
01:50If all the guests were on horseback on the beach in the rain.
01:54Ooh, and Abby and I emerge from the ocean like citizens of Atlantis, wearing wedding clothes made of kelp.
02:00Oh!
02:03See, Greg, totally cash.
02:05Hey, I can eat kelp, man.
02:09Mm.
02:24Well, you're right.
02:25These are kinky and elegant.
02:28But I think we need wedding favors that are more symbolic of Abby and Larry's spiritual and physical coming together.
02:33How about little personal vibrators?
02:37I don't think so.
02:38You give 100 people at a wedding vibrators and you're never going to hear the band.
02:42How about these?
02:43Now, these are always a big hit, you know.
02:46Oh, those are cute.
02:47Hey, Abby, what about assorted marzipan genitals?
02:51Oh, Beth Adler gave those out at her parents' 50th.
02:54Hey, what was wrong with my idea?
02:56Larry, we've been through this.
02:57There's no way Lily can put a picture of you and Abby on a gross of condoms by next weekend.
03:02Shoot.
03:05Hey, look who's here.
03:09Oh, dear Lord.
03:11Kitty, what a surprise.
03:14Well, we weren't actually coming to this store.
03:17No, no, no.
03:17Edward, um, he needed change for the meter.
03:21Uh-oh.
03:21There's meters there?
03:22Yes.
03:23Could you hold this?
03:24Yes.
03:25Oh!
03:27Kitty, guess what?
03:29Larry and I are getting married.
03:31And they're registered here.
03:33Hint, hint.
03:33These two go through sugar-free candy panties like there's no tomorrow.
03:37Hey, Lily, can my mother-in-law have just a little taste of some of your panties?
03:40Sure.
03:42Hey, this was Kitty's idea.
03:44She's gone cracker since the change.
03:46Don't be embarrassed, Dad.
03:48In a monogamous deal like yours, you need a couple of deep batteries to keep things humming.
03:53Oh, please.
03:54You've got the same raw monogamous deal I've got.
03:56No, sir, Abby and I have an open relationship.
04:00And starting next week, we're going to have an open marriage.
04:04You're getting married?
04:06Open married.
04:08I'll still be a free man.
04:10Oh, bull squirt.
04:11Oh, yeah?
04:13Hey, Abby?
04:15Do we have an open relationship?
04:17Yes, Larry.
04:19See?
04:21You've been with other women?
04:22Hey, that's not the point.
04:24The point is, out of millions of women that I could sleep with every day, I choose Abby.
04:30You couldn't get lucky if you were a chocolate-covered millionaire with a fistful of new shoes.
04:35Really?
04:36Really.
04:37Okay, watch a little unrepressed sexuality at work.
04:40Excuse me.
04:41I'm on a magical mystery tour.
04:43Would you like to hop on board?
04:45Ksh!
04:49Call this number if you want a hot meal and a bed for the night.
04:52God bless you.
04:56Score.
04:59How many condoms have you done?
05:00I don't know, about a hundred.
05:02What do you think?
05:04That's my parents.
05:05On a condom.
05:08Let's start filling that fertility pinata.
05:12Why couldn't we just get a regular donkey pinata?
05:18So, Mother didn't want the guests beating a papier-mâché animal with sticks.
05:22But she's fine with whooping on the fat chick here.
05:26Hey!
05:26Hey, Larry, come on in.
05:28Do you remember Carl?
05:29I certainly do.
05:32Is Greg around?
05:33I need to ask him something.
05:35No, he went for a walk in the park.
05:36Oh, cool.
05:37Where?
05:38The park.
05:41Hey, Darma, I'm hungry.
05:42You got a kitchen or something?
05:44Try over there, Carl.
05:46Abby wanted me to tell you, she loves the wedding invitations.
05:50Oh, great.
05:50Finally.
05:51Just one thing.
05:52Where it says sunset on the beach, she wants it to be sunrise on the beach.
05:57We can't do that, Larry.
05:59Why?
05:59It's just changing one word.
06:01How hard is that?
06:02Because we're in California, and if you want the sun to rise on the beach, we have to go
06:05to New Jersey or get the earth to spin in a different direction.
06:08Either way, you are the boss.
06:11Is Greg around?
06:14Jay?
06:15Uh, here he went to the park.
06:17Hey, that's where we're going.
06:19Come on.
06:20Hey, just a minute, man.
06:22Look, if you hold this condom upside down, man, it kind of looks like you and Abby.
06:27Yeah, I know.
06:29Whoa, look, there's another one.
06:31Hey, there's another one.
06:34Well, this is starting to freak me out, man.
06:40Come on, buddy.
06:43Well, look, not only looking like puppies, man.
07:01Greg sandwich.
07:04Hi, guys.
07:05Hey.
07:06Listen, I know you're not a lawyer anymore, but I was hoping you could help me out with
07:09a small legal problem.
07:10I don't know.
07:11What is it?
07:11I don't exist.
07:14Isn't that more of a self-esteem problem?
07:17No, man.
07:17He's off the grid.
07:19Listen, I never wanted the man to know where I was, so I don't have a driver's license,
07:23a social security number, or one of those library cards.
07:28That's how they find you.
07:32And they won't give you a marriage license without an ID.
07:36You tricky bastards.
07:39Well, this is no problem.
07:41We'll just get a copy of your birth certificate.
07:43We need to know where you were born.
07:45Don't panic, man.
07:46Okay, we met in Fresno in 68.
07:49Where were you before that?
07:54Dharma, what are you doing?
07:55Oh, I'm going with Jane and Abby to scout some locations for the wedding.
07:59Now?
07:59It's three in the morning.
08:01Well, we have to find some place that looks good at sunrise, otherwise we're flying everybody
08:04to Atlantic City.
08:06Consider turning the earth the other way?
08:08Okay, Bob.
08:09Is there any part of this that I can help you with?
08:12I'm not doing anything important these days.
08:14What?
08:15Not doing anything important?
08:19I mean, you are undergoing an enormous personal transformation.
08:22Yeah, but that still leaves my days pretty much free.
08:26I know, you need this time for yourself.
08:28Yeah, but I...
08:29Oh, yeah, but.
08:29Honey, you had the courage to quit being a lawyer and find out who you really are.
08:33That's huge.
08:34You should be very proud of yourself.
08:36I know I am.
08:38You're welcome.
08:39Don't worry about my parents' wedding.
08:41I'm on top of it.
08:43Good luck.
08:44Bye.
08:48No!
09:00By the way, there's a man coming this morning to pick up some doves Abby doesn't want.
09:03Make sure he gives you a receipt.
09:06Got it.
09:08Here, Bertie.
09:11Here you go.
09:12One official birth certificate for Myron Lawrence Finkelstein.
09:16Wow.
09:17That was fast.
09:18Thanks.
09:19Would have been faster if I'd known Larry was your middle name.
09:23Myron's not something you brag about.
09:25Myron.
09:26Myron.
09:27See?
09:29Yo, Greg, listen.
09:30I got a legal problem myself.
09:31Well, I'm not really practicing law, girl.
09:34See, I wrote this hit song a couple years ago, and I'm pretty sure I'd do some royalties, man.
09:40Really?
09:40What song?
09:41That's what I need you to find out.
09:46Here I come.
09:48Well, look out, Billy.
09:50Woo!
09:51Ah!
09:52Well, what do you think, Abby?
09:54I don't know.
09:55It looks a little claustrophobic down there.
09:58It's a canyon, Abby.
10:01You asked for a canyon.
10:03Canyon?
10:06Well, let's find one that's not quite so closed in.
10:10Jane, we're coming back up.
10:17Isn't it beautiful?
10:22Yep.
10:22Okay, good.
10:23So, Jane will push the tape player on, and then you and Larry will walk down the aisle.
10:27Wait a minute, Dharma.
10:27You're just gonna play a tape?
10:29Isn't that a little tacky?
10:31Abby, we auditioned a dozen different singers.
10:33You didn't like any of them.
10:34Well, because nobody sings it like Kenny Loggins.
10:38Okay.
10:39Well, why don't we get a different song, then?
10:41No, but, Dharma, that's our song.
10:43Okay, but if I can't play it on the tape, Larry, and you don't want anyone else to sing it,
10:46what exactly am I supposed to do, Abby?
10:48You'll think of something, sweetie.
10:50You're very good at this.
10:54I'm on the right.
10:57Rent your jug to my eyes and tell me everything's gonna be all right.
11:10Wonderful.
11:11Thank you so much.
11:14You want Pooh Corner or something?
11:15No. We're just so honored that you're willing to do this.
11:18Yes, we certainly are.
11:23Darmine, I don't know.
11:29What do you mean, I don't know, Abby?
11:32This is Kenny Loggins.
11:35This is the guy who wrote the song.
11:38This is the guy who could have had me arrested when his dogs pinned me in his backyard.
11:43This is the guy, for reasons I still don't understand,
11:46is sitting in my living room while we argue about whether or not he's going to sing at your wedding?
11:52I'm sorry. You want me to leave the room?
11:54Just give us one second.
11:57Darmine, it's supposed to be my day, and no offense, Kenny,
12:01but when I walk down the aisle, everybody's going to be looking at you.
12:06She's right. You know, that's why you've got to stop playing weddings when you get famous.
12:11So it's kind of two against one, Darmine.
12:16Maybe you should just wait out in the hall for just one second.
12:26Abby?
12:27Yeah.
12:30Kenny frickin' Loggins!
12:35I got this from my landlord.
12:38Me and my monkeys are being evicted for no good reason.
12:42Uh-huh.
12:43Here you go.
12:44California code of civil procedure.
12:46Thanks.
12:46Don't you hate phonies?
12:48What a turn-off, huh?
12:51Listen, Pete, you have to, uh, you have to promise me that you won't tell Dharma what I'm doing.
12:55Well, I understand.
12:56I mean, the last thing a wife wants to hear is that her bum husband got his ass off the
13:00couch in his practice in law.
13:02She thinks I'm on this voyage of self-discovery.
13:06See, all of my monkeys are potty-trained.
13:08That's good.
13:09Two of them can read your thoughts.
13:12Hey, Greg, I've been thinking about my buddy's case here, man.
13:16Doesn't the landlord's failure to exercise the no-peck clause in a timely fashion constitute a de facto waiver of
13:22the provision?
13:23It probably does.
13:25How did you know that?
13:27I went to law school, man.
13:31Hey, Myron, dig me.
13:32I'm a lawyer, man.
13:36Okay, good.
13:37Now, at this point, the bridesmaids will come down the aisle, throwing the rose petals from within their bosom, signifying
13:42the nourishing bounty of Mother Earth.
13:44Dama, I don't feel comfortable with that.
13:46All right, Kitty, listen.
13:47My mother feels very strongly that your participation in this will help heal the divisions in our family and strengthen
13:52our spiritual waduda.
13:55Would it kill you to yank some tulips out of your tatas?
14:02Now, the giant lotus blossom will open, and then music, music, music.
14:06I cannot believe you, Larry Finkelstein!
14:09What?
14:10What did I do?
14:11And then, the single women will beat the fertility pinata with sticks, whack, whack, whack, showering the guests with condoms.
14:19You're making a mockery out of this whole ceremony!
14:22I shouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it!
14:26Sorry, where was I?
14:27The guests were diving for rubbers.
14:30Right!
14:30Okay, that's the one!
14:31Mama, Mama, Mama.
14:34Maybe we should call off the rehearsal.
14:36Your mother's pretty upset.
14:37Why?
14:37I don't know.
14:39Must be jitters.
14:40Because she's making a big deal because I brought a date.
14:44You brought a date?
14:45To your wedding rehearsal?
14:47Uh-huh.
14:48Told you we had an open relationship.
14:49Hey, Ginger.
14:50Hi, sweetie.
14:51I'm on the clock.
14:53Are you gonna want another hour?
14:58Larry, I'm sorry I overreacted.
15:00You're right.
15:01We do have an open relationship.
15:04Everybody, this is my date, Carl.
15:07He's a lawyer.
15:10It's my best friend.
15:11I love you, too, buddy.
15:15Can I see the two of you over here for just one second?
15:20Hi, sorry I'm late.
15:21What'd I miss?
15:21I'll tell you what you missed.
15:23You missed two people so afraid of commitment that they're deliberately sabotaging their own wedding.
15:28The flowers are too dead, the food's too alive, the earth spins in the wrong direction,
15:30and now they're bringing dates?
15:35I'm caught up.
15:38All my life, you guys told me that your way was better because every day you chose to be together.
15:45Would you ever stop to think that there was somebody in that house who woke up every morning wondering if
15:49this was the day her parents were going to choose not to be together?
15:53Oh, darling.
15:53No, I don't want to hear it, Abby.
15:54Get married.
15:55Don't get married.
15:55I don't care.
15:56You're on your own.
16:02Well, this party's pretty dead.
16:06Hey, who wants to go downtown and meet some mind-reading monkeys?
16:11What do you think, Kitty?
16:14No, even if you are blind in one eye, you can't call them C&I monkeys.
16:19Oh, hi.
16:21Um, uh, the hot dog stand is right over there.
16:24What?
16:25You wanted a hot dog, remember?
16:27All right, counselor.
16:29You got it, camper.
16:32Ah, street person.
16:34Yesterday, you called me princess.
16:38How you doing?
16:39I feel like a jerk burger.
16:41Well, honey, you had a right to be upset.
16:43Where do I come off being upset?
16:46I had the best childhood of anyone I know.
16:48Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for you,
16:50not knowing whether your parents were going to stay together.
16:52No, but they did, and I turned out fine.
16:54At least I thought I did until I started throwing tantrums like a ten-foot baby.
16:58You didn't throw a tantrum.
17:00You did throw an organic wedding cake off the Golden Gate Bridge.
17:04You know, if Abby and Larry change their minds and don't want to be married,
17:07I should be fine with that.
17:09I mean, look at you.
17:11You were a lawyer, and you quit, and here you are being a lawyer again,
17:14and I'm totally fine with that.
17:16You know I'm practicing law?
17:18Yeah.
17:19I mean, I guess I just have a hard time letting go of my childhood fears.
17:23Like, I know lawn flamingos can't turn kids into garden gnomes,
17:26but I still won't look one in the eye.
17:28Right.
17:29But how did you know I was practicing law?
17:31Honey, the people who were keeping your secret were Pete, Larry, and Carl.
17:37I was going to tell you.
17:40I know you were.
17:41You were just working up to it.
17:42So you're not disappointed in me?
17:44Do you feel this is your true path?
17:47Yeah, I do.
17:48That's great.
17:49Yeah, but it was the path I was on.
17:51But if it doesn't matter, now you know it's your true path.
17:54And you did it pretty quick.
17:56You didn't, you know, spend months doing open mic night trying to be a stand-up comic.
18:01That's true.
18:04I'm a lawyer.
18:05I'm supposed to be a lawyer.
18:08Dewey, come back here!
18:10We're going to sue that landlord, and if we lose, we'll appeal,
18:13and if we have to, we're going to take it all the way to the United States Supreme Court
18:17to protect this man's God-given right to live in an efficiency with ten monkeys.
18:21I'm so proud of you.
18:24Hey, when are you going to tell your parents that you're practicing law again?
18:27I don't know.
18:28Maybe when I get some clients that won't throw their own feces when they lose.
18:33They do that sometimes when they win.
18:39Love the girl who holds the world in a paper cow.
18:44Come on, drink it out.
18:47Love her and she'll bring you luck.
18:51If you find she helps your mind, brother, take you home.
19:07I'm so in love.
19:09Honey, look at the bride.
19:11Look at the bride.
19:11Everything will bring it to me.
19:18Every morning when I rise, bring a tear of joy to my eyes
19:24and tell me everything's going to be all right.
19:32Welcome, everyone.
19:33What a long, strange trip it's been.
19:38But here we are celebrating a relationship that has lasted for 30 wonderful years.
19:45A relationship that has grown stronger
19:47because Abby and Larry always followed their true paths.
19:53No matter what the world said or thought of them.
19:57And so we gather here today to join these two souls,
20:00Abigail Kathleen O'Neill
20:03and Myron Lawrence Finkelstein.
20:05Myron.
20:10In an unofficial, non-marital, but henceforth monogamous commitment ceremony
20:15with no paper trail attracting the attention of the man.
20:23Abby, out of all the women in the world,
20:26many of whom I could have easily been with,
20:33I choose to commit my life to you.
20:36And why?
20:39Because, Abby,
20:41A,
20:43is for your loving attitude
20:45with which you greet me each morning.
20:48B,
20:50because I love you.
20:54C,
20:56is for the comfort
20:57knowing you
20:59throughout my son.
21:01D,
21:02is for my desire
21:03which never fades.
21:06E,
21:07is for every day
21:08she's by my side.
21:10F,
21:11is for friendship.
21:14F,
21:16is for friendship.
21:19is for friendship.
21:22F,
21:28F,
21:32is for friendship.
21:33F,
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