- 6 days ago
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00:01So, Greggly, how is everything going with your plan to, um, oh, what is it exactly?
00:07Waste his life.
00:09That's it.
00:10I can't believe you'd make such a big deal of inviting us over for dinner and give me nothing but
00:15grief.
00:16Oh, I just wanted to give you grief. Your mother insisted on serving a meal.
00:23Gregg is not wasting his life. He is on a path to spiritual enlightenment, and I think we should all
00:28support him.
00:29Fine.
00:30There you go.
00:34Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:36Here, dear, you need another napkin, or do you just want to use your Harvard diploma?
00:41Well, family, you don't need to break out the fancy stuff.
00:44You know what? I don't need to sit here and take this.
00:46Gregory, Gregory, I am sorry. I am sorry. It's just that I worry about you.
00:51I know how difficult it will be for you to have parents that other people look down on.
00:58See, honey, it is about you.
01:01It's just that you haven't worked in months. People are starting to talk.
01:04I tried to cover for you. Told everyone you were at Betty Ford.
01:09Then, uh, Bunny Stanton comes back from Betty Ford and makes a complete fool out of me.
01:14To Bunny.
01:15You're here.
01:18Listen, you guys, Greg is going to figure out what he wants to do. It's just going to take some
01:22time.
01:22And you're comfortable with bringing home the bacon, uh, or whatever it is you people eat?
01:28That's what you do for someone you love, Edward.
01:31I'm sure if you want to take some time off and find another path, Kitty would go out and get
01:35a job.
01:42What is that?
01:43Nothing, nothing, nothing.
01:47Failed now, Edward. Turn into the skin.
01:50Kitty goes to work.
01:51Hello, I'm Kitty Montgomery.
01:53I'm here to work!
01:58They're so narrow-minded. God, get off the treadmill for a couple of months and suddenly I'm wasting my life.
02:04Greg, you can't let your parents get in your head.
02:07You're right. You're right.
02:10You're welcome.
02:14Damn it, Dharma, I'm wasting my life!
02:17Kitty, Edward, get out of there!
02:22I gotta go back to work. I gotta do something.
02:24Okay, what do you want to do?
02:25I don't know. I...
02:27Whatever it is, it's gotta be important.
02:29I mean, not that I need recognition so much.
02:31I just need a sense of purpose, of serving the greater good.
02:34Okay, then you definitely don't want to go back to being a lawyer.
02:38I just wish I knew what it was.
02:40Craig, you're making this too hard. Just follow your bliss.
02:43Find the thing that makes you happy. All the other stuff will take care of itself.
02:46Easy for you to say. I can't think of anything that makes me happy.
02:49I can think of one thing.
02:52I don't want to catch you making a living at it.
02:57Dharma, are you sleeping?
03:00Who are you?
03:07Sleeping?
03:11Never mind. I can wait till morning.
03:21What?
03:23I figured it out.
03:26I know how to make myself happy.
03:31Then why did you wake me?
03:35No, no, no.
03:37I was thinking about what you said, and all of a sudden, it hit me.
03:40What?
03:41My bliss.
03:42Tell me.
03:44Golf.
03:51Golf?
03:53I'm going to spend the rest of my life playing golf.
04:01Well, whack the little ball with the stick off that golf.
04:05You know, I'm pretty good, and I figure if I practice eight hours a day, by the time I'm 50,
04:09I can go on the senior tour.
04:11I'm 50.
04:13You're 32.
04:1518 years, plenty of time.
04:24Golf.
04:25Golf.
04:28Okay, well, great.
04:29Thank you so much.
04:32A lot of wives wouldn't understand this.
04:34Oh, well, you can understand that.
04:39Night.
04:39Night.
04:43Okay, you're hosing me, right?
05:04So she's just going to let you do it?
05:06No, she wasn't thrilled about it at first, but once she understood this was my bliss, she practically pushed me
05:10onto the golf course.
05:11Anyway, Jane, I'd never push me onto a golf course as if we were flying over one in a plane.
05:17Hey, Greg, check it out.
05:19How cute am I?
05:22Very cute.
05:23What are you doing here?
05:24Well, I decided I had a choice.
05:26I could stay at home and complain about being a golf widow, or I could come out here and share
05:30your passion.
05:30Really?
05:31Yeah.
05:32It's terrific.
05:33Hey, Jane, how would you feel if I quit my job and just played golf every day?
05:37Single.
05:37No.
05:40Caddy, shaft me.
05:42Shaft me?
05:45What do you think?
05:47I'd definitely eat it that way.
05:49Good call.
05:52Not sure, Caddy?
05:57Maple syrup.
05:58We've yet pancakes for breakfast.
06:00Yes, that's what I thought.
06:03Give me your finger.
06:04Let me see what you had for breakfast.
06:05Just work the camera, Pete.
06:08Four!
06:10Karma, you don't have to yell four on the driving range.
06:12Sorry.
06:13Never mind!
06:16All right, Mr. Ball, don't get too comfortable.
06:19Here comes Mr. Club.
06:26Caddy, where'd the ball go?
06:28I think it went all the way around the world and came right back here.
06:33Your loyalty and optimism will be reflected in your tip.
06:38All right, you just need to keep your head still, honey.
06:40Got it.
06:41And keep your left elbow straight.
06:43Straight.
06:44Okay, bend your knees like you're sitting on a stool.
06:48No, a bar stool.
06:51I was doing milking stool.
06:52Yeah, I know.
06:53Okay, now just take it back nice and easy and shift your weight to your right side.
06:57Good.
06:58Keep your left foot down.
06:59Keep your left foot down.
07:00Keep your left foot down.
07:00Now, now just all the way back.
07:03Now follow through nice and easy.
07:13Next time, you'll want to hold on to the club.
07:16Caddy, shout for me.
07:19I tried.
07:20I really did.
07:22I played 18 holes.
07:23Whack and walk.
07:24Whack and walk.
07:26God forbid you should jump in the sand and make a castle.
07:32Darma, let me tell you something about golf.
07:34It's a conspiracy to turn precious land and water resources into secret meeting places
07:38where rich, white, fat cats can plot to suppress the masses using golf as a cover.
07:45You know, the man, I did tell him to find the thing that makes him happy, you know?
07:49Good for you.
07:50But are you supposed to stand by your partner when they've clearly lost touch with reality?
07:55Wait a second.
07:57Has somebody been wearing my codpiece?
08:02Larry, who would be wearing your codpiece?
08:05You never know.
08:08Come on, you know, I mean, it's golf, big golf, dumb golf, no windmills, no clown's mouth,
08:12nothing.
08:14Well, honey, you do want a life partner you can admire and respect.
08:18I'm gonna have to shave my legs.
08:20The hair is coming out right through the tights.
08:23Larry, nobody's gonna be close enough to notice.
08:25It feels funny.
08:28Darby, you know what might cheer you up?
08:30Why don't you and Greg come with us to the Renaissance Fair?
08:33No thanks.
08:34I've had some bad experiences at the Renaissance Fairs.
08:37Really?
08:37Yeah, I don't know what happens to the guys who go to those things.
08:40Maybe it's the costumes, maybe it's the medieval beer,
08:43maybe it's just spending a whole day outside their parents' basements.
08:47Whatever it is, they're all over you like fridge magnets on a suit of armor.
08:51You sure?
08:51They're busting in extra hunchbacks for the charity flogging booth.
08:55Come on, Abby, help me out.
08:56What should I do about Greg?
08:58Well, honey, what do you think you should do?
09:02Oh, all right.
09:04I got it.
09:06You don't want to say anything to influence my actions,
09:09just like I shouldn't say anything to Greg to influence his actions, right?
09:14It's not my place to say.
09:20How are you going, honey?
09:21I'm going to go be a little weasel and tell his mom.
09:26Golf.
09:26Golf.
09:28And you are fine with this?
09:29It's not for me to say.
09:32Really?
09:34Just like I wouldn't say anything to you about any action
09:37you might take regarding your son's decision to play golf for the rest of his life.
09:47I understand what you're saying.
09:49I'm not saying anything.
09:51Then it's good we never had this conversation.
09:57What the hell just happened?
10:03Hey, Dharma.
10:04Hey, how was lunch with your parents?
10:07Great.
10:08Greg, listen.
10:09Don't take it personally, okay?
10:10No matter how much she yells at you,
10:12you have to remember that your mother loves you very much.
10:15She didn't yell at me.
10:16Yell or scowl or threaten to write you out of the will.
10:20Greg, it's because she loves you.
10:22No, my mother didn't say much of anything.
10:23My father did most of the talking.
10:24Hmm.
10:25Well, whatever he said, Greg, it's because he loves you.
10:28He offered me a job.
10:30Really?
10:31I wonder what the thinking was there.
10:34I took it.
10:35I mean, I told him you and I needed to talk about it first
10:37because we'd have to relocate.
10:39Really?
10:40That's no problem, honey.
10:41I can teach yoga anywhere.
10:42Where are we headed?
10:43Are you ready?
10:44Do I have to get ready?
10:47Scotland.
10:49I'm sorry, did you say Oakland?
10:53Oakland?
10:53Who moves to Oakland?
10:56Scotland.
10:56Montgomery Industries does a little North Sea oil business.
10:59In Scotland?
11:00And here's the best part.
11:02I talk to the guy who's leaving the job
11:03and there's nothing to it.
11:04You do a little paperwork,
11:05you drive to the coast
11:06to see if any of the rigs are on fire
11:08and that's it.
11:08The rest of the day,
11:09you have to yourself,
11:10in Scotland,
11:12the birthplace of golf.
11:20Well, that one came around and bit me on the ass.
11:27Oh, my God, what is that?
11:30It smells like you're frying vomit.
11:33Plus, I'm making a great big pot of haggis.
11:39What the hell is haggis?
11:40It's sheep's heart and liver
11:44minced up
11:45and seasoned with
11:47just a hint of lung
11:50and then neatly
11:53stuffed back into its own stomach.
11:55Yummy.
11:57That's not food.
11:59That's what happens
11:59when circus trains collide.
12:02Why, it's the national dish
12:03of Scotland, Lassie.
12:05Oh, how about a wee bite?
12:08Not if it was served up
12:09in the glistening Scottish ass
12:10of Sean Connery.
12:14Garland,
12:14can I interest you
12:15in some blood pudding?
12:16It's another Scottish
12:18tastebud tickler
12:19made of,
12:20are you ready,
12:21blood!
12:24What have you been drinking?
12:27Scotch.
12:27Which was invented
12:29by the grunt-scotsman
12:30Angus McBarf
12:32when his wife told him
12:33what was for dinner.
12:37Are you really planning
12:38to eat that stuff?
12:39No.
12:40I'm serving it
12:41to my bonnie husband,
12:43Gregory.
12:46Gregory.
12:50Gregory.
12:53So that he can have
12:54a great big bowl
12:56of his new life.
12:58Sly booty.
13:00Then it won't want
13:01to move to Scotland.
13:03And if that were
13:04to come to pass
13:05and how could it not?
13:06That would be
13:07his life choice.
13:09And I cannot interfere
13:11with the life choice
13:12of another.
13:14I've had doubts
13:15with me, Larson.
13:22I've had doubts
13:23like they've got
13:24Harkis in Japan's.
13:35Excuse me, everybody.
13:36Can I have your attention?
13:37Can you get the music?
13:38Thanks.
13:38Um, I just want
13:40to take this opportunity
13:41to thank my wife.
13:42I was a little nervous
13:43about moving so far away.
13:45In fact, I almost
13:45changed my mind.
13:47But she has worked
13:48non-stop
13:49for the past few weeks
13:51to get me in touch
13:51with my Scottish roots,
13:52the smell of Angus,
13:54the sweet drone
13:55of a bagpipe.
13:56Clan Montgomery,
13:57I'm coming home.
14:01I can't believe
14:02our little girl's
14:03moving to Scotland.
14:04I'm a little surprised
14:05myself.
14:06We're gonna miss you,
14:07punker.
14:08Oh, I know,
14:09but what a wonderful
14:10opportunity.
14:11See what happens
14:12when you don't interfere
14:13with the life choice
14:14of another Dharma?
14:15The universe just gives
14:16you a big thumbs up.
14:19Yep, I can feel it.
14:24Dharma, there's a lot
14:25of boiled cabbage
14:26left over.
14:26Would you mind
14:27if I took some
14:27for the Renaissance Fair?
14:28Sure.
14:29Okay.
14:30It's just what
14:30the Renaissance Fair
14:31needs, gassy geeks
14:32in tights.
14:37So this is it?
14:39You're moving
14:39to Scotland?
14:40Uh-huh.
14:42You're not gonna tell
14:42them this is stupid?
14:44No.
14:45Can I tell you
14:46this is stupid?
14:48No.
14:50I wonder what
14:51Scotland's gonna be like.
14:53Huh.
14:53I'll show you.
14:54I have informative video.
14:57That's Greg playing golf.
14:59Exactly.
14:59Now add a couple
15:00castles and a lake
15:01with a monster.
15:06Pete, did I move
15:06my head that time?
15:07No.
15:08Does he really think
15:08he can become a pro?
15:11Yes.
15:12That little girl's
15:13got a better swing
15:14than he does.
15:15What little girl?
15:17Wind it back.
15:21How about that time?
15:22No.
15:25Wow.
15:29Okay, I have an idea,
15:31but it's bad
15:32and it's wrong.
15:34How can I help?
15:38Well, I guess this is
15:41the last time we'll be
15:42playing together
15:43for a while.
15:44Yeah.
15:45Next time we play,
15:46you'll be a big
15:47hotshot professional
15:48golfer.
15:49Right.
15:50And I'll be
15:51Lord King of the Moon.
15:55And each morning,
15:56I'll bring the dawn
15:57by riding across the sky
15:59in my flaming chariot.
16:00Okay.
16:01I get it.
16:02You don't think
16:03I have a shot
16:03at going pro.
16:04And from my chariot,
16:05I'll bring the rain
16:06by peeing over the edge.
16:07That's enough.
16:08Five bucks a hole,
16:09double on carryovers,
16:10birdies pay triple.
16:11Lord King of the Moon
16:12accepts your wager.
16:15Hey, guys.
16:16Uh, hi.
16:18Where's Jane?
16:18Oh, Jane couldn't make it.
16:20This is Tiffany,
16:20the starter center,
16:21over to join us
16:22so we'd be a foursome.
16:22This is my husband, Greg,
16:23and this is Pete.
16:25Nice to meet you, Tiff.
16:26It's Tiffany.
16:27A tiff is a small argument.
16:28So it is.
16:29Got it.
16:30Isn't she adorable?
16:31Yeah, the kid's
16:32going to slow us down.
16:33I know, honey.
16:35But just think,
16:35one day when she grows up,
16:36she'll be watching
16:37the senior tour on television
16:38and she'll be able to say,
16:40I played with Greg Montgomery.
16:44All right.
16:47Tiffany, why don't you, uh,
16:48go ahead and tee off first?
16:50Lay into it, Tiffany.
16:51Oh, uh, honey,
16:52there's a closer tee up front.
16:55That's okay.
16:56I don't want to slow you down.
16:58Okay.
17:07Oh, you cow.
17:08I knocked this knot
17:09out of that one.
17:11How old are you, honey?
17:12Nine and a half.
17:13Oh.
17:14How old are you, Greg?
17:14Um, shut up and head.
17:18Here I come.
17:27Well, she didn't slow us down,
17:30did she?
17:32You can pick yours up.
17:34Thanks, Tiffany.
17:35I'll put mine.
17:36You sure?
17:36I already won the hole.
17:38I'll put mine.
17:39But you get so mad when you show up.
17:41I'll put mine.
17:43Stand behind me, honey.
18:00Now he's even further away than the floor.
18:04Honey, why don't you just pick up your ball?
18:05I'll finish.
18:06Would you feel better if we call our bed off?
18:08I'll finish, Tiff.
18:11This is going to take long.
18:13I have Girl Scouts.
18:24You can say fudge
18:25if it makes you feel better.
18:32Well, it was kind of nice
18:33at Tiffany to climb that tree
18:35and get your putter back for you, huh?
18:38Surprised it didn't boomerang
18:40back to you.
18:44How?
18:46How?
18:49Anyway, now I know
18:50what to get you for Christmas.
18:51Don't bother.
18:51I'm never playing golf again.
18:53Oh, you mean as a profession,
18:54but you'll still play golf
18:55on the weekends for fun, right?
18:57I don't really want to talk about it.
18:58Could you just give me
19:00a little space, please?
19:02Sure, you got it.
19:11Greg, I'm sorry.
19:12I'm so sorry.
19:13I'm the worst person in the world.
19:15I fed you to a nine-year-old phenom.
19:17You never had a chance.
19:18Please forgive me.
19:20What are you talking about?
19:22Greg, she's not a regular little girl.
19:24She's like a golf Mozart.
19:27She's a freak of nature.
19:28I found her,
19:29and I sipped her on you.
19:33Why?
19:33Because I didn't want to go to Scotland,
19:35which is also my fault.
19:36Please don't make me explain.
19:38You set all this up?
19:40Pack my asbestos pajamas.
19:42I'm going straight to hell.
19:45You know what, honey?
19:47It's okay.
19:48No, it's not.
19:52I suck.
19:55Oh, no.
19:57The whole thing was really stupid.
20:00There's no way
20:01I was going to be a professional golfer.
20:03I know, but...
20:06It was your dream, Greg,
20:07and I crushed it like a bug.
20:10You did me a favor.
20:12But why do I feel so dirty?
20:15You know what?
20:16Forget it.
20:17Next weekend,
20:18instead of me playing golf,
20:19why don't you and I
20:20spend some quality time together?
20:22I don't deserve it.
20:23Yeah, you do.
20:29Oh, thanks.
20:30That's so sweet,
20:31but, um,
20:32I've seen Kev a lot.
20:37But ho, fair maiden,
20:39I have acquired
20:40coin of the realm
20:40with which I shall purchase
20:41two flagons of mead.
20:43Well,
20:44then perhaps after,
20:45thou wouldst lie with me
20:46in thy father's Volkswagen chariot.
20:48It's going to take
20:49a lot of mead, buddy.
20:51Thy wish is my command.
21:00Don't even start.
21:21Don't even start.
21:22Oh,
21:23I'm out.
21:26You
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