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00:05hello anybody home party was at eight right i thought so kitty shh quiet no shouting
00:15you'll wake it wake what demon demon demon demon she means your mother
00:26i finally got her to sleep what about the party where are the other guests
00:31they're on our way where's my father in the garage in the mercedes why because it's bulletproof
00:41she's alive
00:47what do you think well i think one of us should go talk to your dad
00:52it i think you should go talk to your mom i know what you just did me too go with
00:58god
00:59what do you get when you kiss a guy you get enough germs to catch pneumonia then when you do
01:07he'll never phone you
01:13oh hi darma how are you pretty good what you doing out here oh listen to the radio
01:21uh reading my owner's manual what else is new well your mother-in-law is going through
01:29women trouble i see regular ordinary woman trouble no no no no i think this might be the big one
01:36i think she's going through menopause like sherman through atlanta
01:42jeez ed this is a very natural process there is nothing to be afraid of
01:49it's locked hurry
01:54in fact this is good for both of you no more worries about birth control and you can be as
02:00spontaneous and loving as you want you should be celebrating not hiding
02:07ah let me in let me in are you alone open the damn door go go
02:16here you are
02:42what a pleasant surprise
02:47Come in, come in.
02:51It's colder than a well digger's ass in here.
02:56What do I owe the pleasure?
02:57Well, Kitty, I brought Abby along
02:59because I thought she might be able to help you.
03:01Help me with what?
03:02I'm a certified menstrual termination counselor.
03:07Excuse me?
03:08She took a course at the Goddess Institute.
03:11It was part of their midwife to midlife program.
03:16Anyway, Kitty, I'm an expert,
03:18and I can love and guide you
03:21through this mystical transition.
03:23At no charge, of course. We're family.
03:25Oh, that's very, very sweet of you, Abby, dear,
03:27but there's no problem here.
03:28Okay.
03:30Well, this was a good first session.
03:33And if you need me, call me.
03:36Okay, let's go, Dharma.
03:37That's it. I know what I'm doing.
03:39Okay. Bye-bye.
03:41Hang in there, Kitty.
03:43Fine. Go, go, go, go, go.
03:46Everybody leaves me.
03:50Oh, this wasn't supposed to happen to me.
03:53I know, sister. I know.
03:55It's okay.
03:56It'll be okay, sister.
03:59Oh, I was such a beautiful girl.
04:01And now you're a beautiful woman.
04:03No, you don't understand.
04:05You don't understand.
04:06I was stunning.
04:07I was dropped dead.
04:09Leave your wife gorgeous.
04:11Look, look, look, look, look, look.
04:14Ballet, cotillion.
04:16Ah, here I am.
04:17Look at my skin glistening
04:18as I'm riding Prince Rupert.
04:22It's a horse.
04:26What's that?
04:27Oh, that's the, um,
04:29Miss Teen Sausalito
04:30Bath and Tennis Club pageant.
04:33Hey, second place.
04:34Good for you, Kitty.
04:36Oh, what's that?
04:38Vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh.
04:39Well, that's young Miss Newport Beach.
04:42Second place again.
04:44Oh, what about that?
04:47Oh, Santa Barbara.
04:49Miss Congeniality.
04:50You're kidding.
04:55All these contests,
04:56I never won any of them.
04:57Oh, but, Kitty,
04:58you've gained wisdom
05:00and experience
05:01and every bit of it
05:02shows on your face.
05:05Hey, look at this one.
05:07Here you are
05:08with the first place trophy.
05:10Where?
05:10Right there
05:11at the pretty yellow lab.
05:12No, that's the dog's trophy.
05:14Yeah, she was best of show
05:16at Westminster,
05:17blah, blah, blah.
05:19Well, at least she let you hold it.
05:22And you know what came
05:24with that trophy?
05:25A raw high tiara?
05:27No.
05:31My father's love.
05:32Oh, Kitty, Kitty.
05:35Oh, I want to be a beauty queen.
05:37I just...
05:37Oh, of course you do,
05:39but, Kitty,
05:40wouldn't it be more fulfilling
05:42if you threw off
05:43the shackles
05:44of estrogen enslavement
05:45and took your rightful place
05:47as an elder of the tribe?
05:51I said I want to be
05:52a beauty queen!
05:54Go, go, go, go!
05:57Mrs. San Francisco, huh?
05:59It's the only beauty contest
06:00for a woman her age
06:01where she doesn't need
06:02a Harley or a stump.
06:05Come on, Pete,
06:05let's get going.
06:06See you later.
06:07Bye.
06:08Mwah.
06:09Okay, good.
06:10Well, this is the one we'll do.
06:11What are they doing?
06:13Mrs. San Francisco pageant
06:14celebrates the beauty
06:15and sophistication
06:16of the mature married woman.
06:18You can't enter my mother
06:19in a beauty contest.
06:22It's her dream, Greg.
06:23Well, it's my nightmare.
06:26But you call her
06:27and tell her she can't enter.
06:29Well, what exactly
06:30would she have to be doing?
06:32Jane, it's a piece of cake,
06:34evening gown,
06:35sing a song,
06:36save the world,
06:37boom, beauty contest.
06:39If I can do it,
06:39anybody can do it.
06:41I'm not going to have to
06:41look at my mother
06:42in a bathing suit
06:43and high heels, am I?
06:44Not unless you ask a nice.
06:49I have to go now.
06:51Come on, Pete.
06:51Let's go.
06:52This is sweet.
06:53The contestant's husband
06:54reads a love poem
06:56during the evening gown competition.
06:58What do you mean,
06:59if I can do it,
06:59anybody can do it?
07:00You didn't tell Pete
07:01you won a bunch of
07:02teen beauty pageants?
07:03No.
07:04Why not?
07:05I'm sleeping with a beauty queen.
07:07Come on, tell the guys.
07:10Because of that.
07:14Hey, Seal, where is she?
07:16Shh.
07:17She's everywhere.
07:20Like the chupacabra.
07:24Excuse me,
07:24I have to take
07:25Mr. Montgomery his lunch.
07:28Call me, Mr. Montgomery!
07:34Hello?
07:35Close the door.
07:36You're letting in a draft.
07:37Sorry.
07:39Well, hot!
07:41What are you trying to do in here?
07:42Cure a ham?
07:45I had a chill.
07:48What are you writing?
07:50Revising Edward's will.
07:52What can I do for you?
07:55Well, um,
07:56remember how you said
07:57you always wanted
07:58to be a beauty queen?
08:00No.
08:02Kitty.
08:03Come on, remember
08:04Miss Congeniality,
08:06the Yellow Labrador,
08:07your daddy's love?
08:08Oh, yes.
08:10Well, I found the perfect pageant
08:12for you.
08:14Mrs. San Francisco?
08:16Mm-hmm.
08:17Is this a pageant
08:18for older women?
08:19No.
08:20No, it's not.
08:22It's for married women
08:24of all ages over 50.
08:28Over 50?
08:29You know what?
08:29This was a bad idea
08:30thought up by a bad person.
08:32You remember, Jane.
08:35So conceivably,
08:36I would be the youngest contestant.
08:39Not conceivably,
08:40definitely.
08:42Surrounded by a bunch of old biddies.
08:43Which would be bad.
08:44And I told Jane
08:45that you would...
08:47I love it.
08:48I knew you would!
08:50So let us get cracking.
08:53I will need
08:54a dress,
08:55a talent,
08:56a philosophy of life.
08:58Come, Dama,
08:59you have work to do.
09:02Oh, boy,
09:04I'm on the kitty coaster now.
09:07Dama!
09:12Aren't you coming to bed?
09:15As soon as I finish
09:17your mom's homemade dress.
09:20I thought contestants
09:21had to make their own dresses.
09:22So did I.
09:25Hey, do you happen to know
09:26your mother's cup size?
09:30No, but if I did,
09:31I'm pretty sure
09:31I'd have to kill myself.
09:32Good night.
09:37No, this is just terrific.
09:38If it could be
09:39exactly like this,
09:40except lose the sleeves,
09:41not so poofy,
09:43and...
09:44what do we think
09:45of the color?
09:48Well, I guess
09:48we don't like it,
09:50even though
09:50we picked it out.
09:52Good.
09:53Now, I've decided
09:53on my talent,
09:54tap dancing.
09:55Will it be difficult
09:56to put taps on these shoes?
09:57Uh, well, yeah,
09:58sort of.
09:59Then you better get started
10:00because I need them
10:00by the morning.
10:14Come to bed, honey.
10:16The elves will take care of that.
10:22Cute.
10:24By the way,
10:25your mom's a sea cup.
10:26Oh!
10:30A firm and perky sea cup.
10:36Oh, the lines of this
10:38are just perfect.
10:39There's a little too much
10:40activity back here.
10:43And what do we think
10:44of the color?
10:49We hate it.
10:51You read my mind.
10:53Now, I've been thinking
10:54about the tap dancing.
10:56How's that going?
10:57I don't care for it.
10:59I was thinking
11:00that I used to play
11:01the harp.
11:02The harp,
11:03you say?
11:04The harp.
11:20Oh, I broke a nail.
11:29How's my mother's baton twirling?
11:33A little sloppy.
11:37We're going to try
11:38flower arranging.
11:40I don't care for it.
11:42I don't care for it.
11:42Oh, I don't care for it.
11:48Okay.
11:50I owe a really big favor
11:52to a clown friend of mine,
11:53but here you go.
11:55Take it back, Dama.
11:57Why?
11:57Oh, this whole
11:58pageant thing.
11:59It's just,
11:59it's just too much work.
12:00I am exhausted.
12:04Do you have any idea
12:06what kind of favor
12:07a clown asks for?
12:09Well, I'm sorry,
12:10but it's just too much
12:11for me.
12:11I'm going to withdraw.
12:12What?
12:14You can't do that.
12:16Why not?
12:17Why not?
12:19Kitty,
12:20I have sewn for you.
12:23I have schlepped for you.
12:25I have cobbled for you.
12:27You damn near
12:27poked my eye out.
12:29And I'm getting
12:29a seamstress hump.
12:32And this.
12:33Kitty, do you see that?
12:34Oh, my gosh.
12:35I wonder how you get that.
12:36Do you know how you get that, Kitty?
12:37Do you know how you get that?
12:38A harp has to fall on you.
12:40But you know what?
12:42I don't mind all of that
12:43because I wasn't
12:44doing it for myself.
12:45I was doing it
12:47for you, Kitty.
12:49This is your dream
12:50and you deserve
12:50to go out there
12:51and live it.
12:53But, Dama,
12:53Don't you fuck me?
12:54You get your second place
12:55ass on that unicycle
12:56and start juggling.
13:00No, you don't understand.
13:02Her talent
13:02is clever
13:03party conversation.
13:05Unless there are
13:05other people on stage
13:06for her to be clever with,
13:08she's just some nut
13:09standing there
13:10talking to herself.
13:11We'll check into it.
13:15What are you people
13:17doing sitting around?
13:18Come on,
13:18this is D-Day.
13:19This is not a drill.
13:20You told us
13:21we were in the way.
13:21And I'm about
13:22to tell you again.
13:24Where's your father?
13:25Probably in the car.
13:27Well, did he finish
13:27the poem he's supposed
13:28to read during
13:28the evening gown
13:29competition?
13:30I don't know.
13:32What is this,
13:32a game to you?
13:35Well, if it is,
13:35it isn't a very fun one.
13:37Well, look,
13:38I'm sorry you're not
13:39having a good time,
13:40but unless all the horses
13:41are pulling in the same direction,
13:42I'm never gonna win this thing.
13:43What do you mean
13:44by I'm never going to win?
13:45I mean your mother, Kitty.
13:48I, me,
13:49I couldn't care less.
13:51I'm gonna take the last look
13:52before I load her in the car.
13:55Oh, my God!
13:56Her eyes are all puffy!
13:58Did you let her have salt?
14:00She had a bag of pretzels
14:01taped to the back
14:02of the toilet tank.
14:04I did not put them there.
14:05They must have been Edwards.
14:07You know,
14:07I don't think you want to win.
14:08I do, I do, I do.
14:10Well, winners,
14:10don't eat things
14:11that they find
14:12taped to the back
14:13of toilet tanks.
14:15Now, Jane,
14:16go slap a couple of teabags
14:17under those eyes
14:18and you two,
14:19go find Edward
14:19and hold him upside down
14:21until a poem falls out of him.
14:23Mother,
14:24I think you look beautiful.
14:27Did you not hear me?
14:31You married your mother.
14:35Dad, you've had three weeks
14:37to write this thing.
14:38But what's wrong with it?
14:40It rhymes.
14:41Roses are red,
14:42violets are pretty,
14:43the gal in the dress
14:44is my wife, Kitty.
14:47You got a gift, Dad.
14:49It was easy
14:50once I got to pretty.
14:53And Tupac's compassion
14:55garnished
14:56with a sprig of
14:58generosity.
14:59And that, Gary,
15:00is my recipe
15:02for a better world.
15:03Well, that's a spoon
15:05that I'd like to lick.
15:07Well, thank you,
15:08Mrs. Kitty Montgomery.
15:11My next contestant,
15:13this is Elaine Bartlett.
15:15Oh, the thrill of competition.
15:17Wasn't I wonderful?
15:19I was always,
15:19I was confident.
15:21Yeah, that was all good.
15:22I think you strayed
15:23a little bit
15:23from our speech.
15:25This is showbiz.
15:25I was ad-libbing.
15:27The judges may have
15:28been confused
15:28when you ad-libbed
15:29the phrase
15:30Catholics and other
15:31people of color.
15:34Really?
15:35I thought that was
15:36rather liberal.
15:37Okay, let's not dwell on it.
15:39I think we still have
15:39a really good shot
15:40to win this thing.
15:41Now, this is
15:42Frances Webber.
15:43That's, that's Ginger.
15:49We're dead.
15:50Hard as a car.
15:51Why?
15:52Daddy, why?
15:57Come on, Dad,
15:58you've got to write
15:58this poem.
16:00I'm sorry,
16:00I just don't know
16:01what to say.
16:02Okay, when you first
16:03met Mother,
16:04what were you thinking?
16:05Exactly, what was
16:06I thinking?
16:09I mean,
16:09what did you think
16:10of her?
16:10Well, I,
16:13I thought she was
16:14kind of stacked
16:14for a skinny girl.
16:18What is she,
16:19about a B-cup?
16:20C-cup.
16:20Oh, Pete.
16:24I'm sorry,
16:25I came here
16:26to support Kitty,
16:27but I just couldn't
16:27watch that exploitation
16:28of women
16:29one second longer.
16:31I agree.
16:31It's different
16:32when you have
16:33the young ones
16:33in bathing suits.
16:35Larry,
16:36that's worse.
16:37Yes, it is.
16:38Worse than different.
16:42Well,
16:43I agree with Abby.
16:45Kitty doesn't need
16:45to traipse up
16:46and down the stage
16:47to prove how
16:47beautiful she is.
16:48She's beautiful
16:49every moment
16:49of the day.
16:51In the morning
16:51when she's sipping
16:53her tea in the garden.
16:55Don't stop.
16:56Tell us more.
16:57Write down everything.
16:57Got it.
16:58Sometimes when I
16:59look at Kitty,
17:00I can't believe
17:01how lucky I am
17:02to be married
17:02to such an angel.
17:04I hope you're
17:04getting all this down.
17:05I'm on top of it.
17:06So many wonderful moments.
17:08Don't miss a word.
17:09He's half in the bag
17:09and he'll never
17:10remember it.
17:13My heart
17:14is full.
17:16That's why
17:16I'm Sharon.
17:18These words
17:19of love
17:20for my dear
17:21wife,
17:22Sharon.
17:25Wasn't that
17:26lovely,
17:26ladies and gentlemen?
17:27Thank you so very much.
17:28Have a look.
17:30And Sharon.
17:30What are you?
17:32Okay,
17:32we're up.
17:33Do you have your poem?
17:34Larry.
17:36Jane, Jane.
17:37Vaseline.
17:38And Al,
17:39Mrs. Kitty Montgomery
17:40and a poem
17:41written by her husband,
17:42Edward.
17:42Okay, okay, okay.
17:44Who's the queen?
17:44I'm the queen.
17:45Who's got the power?
17:46I've got the power.
17:46Go, go, go, go.
17:51Sometimes when
17:52I look at Kitty,
17:53I can't believe
17:54how lucky I am
17:56to be married
17:57to such an angel.
17:59I hope you're
18:00getting all this down.
18:02I'm on top of it.
18:05So many wonderful moments.
18:08Don't miss a word.
18:09He's half in the bag.
18:11He'll never remember it.
18:14Like the day
18:14I first saw her.
18:17Shouldn't we go back
18:17in there
18:18and watch
18:18Grannies on Parade?
18:23Hey, that's not nice.
18:25But it's true.
18:27Who ordered
18:28the Jägermeister?
18:29I did.
18:30Oh, Larry,
18:32are you going to drink?
18:36No, thanks.
18:38Nuts, give me gas.
18:42Thank you, Mrs. Kitty.
18:44I'm sorry.
18:45It's over.
18:46No.
18:50Maybe not.
18:53And now,
18:54finally in our talent
18:55competition this evening,
18:56a woman whose courage
18:58has been an inspiration
18:59to all of us this evening.
19:01Mrs. Frances Weber
19:02will now sing
19:03Looking Through the Eyes of Love
19:05while signing the words
19:06for the benefit
19:07of her
19:09hearing-impaired
19:11adopted Cambodian daughter.
19:16She's done.
19:17Don't let this
19:19be
19:21It's everything
19:22What are you doing?
19:25Exposing a fraud.
19:27I can see
19:29What's falling
19:31Now
19:33What the hell
19:34is she doing?
19:35I don't know.
19:36I hardly
19:36ever know.
19:39You
19:39Oh, come on, lady.
19:41You can see me.
19:43What's going on?
19:44Okay, I'm sorry
19:44to interrupt this pageant,
19:45but I saw this woman
19:46putting makeup on
19:47in the mirror.
19:48Pretending to be blind,
19:49lady, is not a talent.
19:51Who are you?
19:52And why are you
19:53doing this to my sister?
19:57Sister?
19:57Yes, my sister.
19:59My blind sister.
20:01Uh
20:03Please get off the stage.
20:05I can't
20:05Can I just explain
20:06one second?
20:07Actually, it's a very funny story.
20:08Hit the road, Blondie.
20:12Here we go, Donna.
20:13Well, if anybody
20:14wants to hear
20:14a really funny story,
20:15meet me in the log.
20:19Don't worry,
20:20your mommy's gonna win.
20:24Don't beat yourself up, kitty.
20:26We'll get him next year.
20:31Kitty,
20:32I'm sorry about
20:33that business
20:34with the poem.
20:35Oh, that's all right, Edward.
20:37Abby told me
20:38the lovely things
20:38you said about me
20:39in the bar.
20:40Well, she did.
20:41Yeah.
20:42Well, I meant every word.
20:45I'm sorry you didn't win.
20:46I would have voted for you.
20:48That's very sweet of you, Edward.
20:51Well, it's getting late.
20:53Yes, we'd better turn in.
20:54Good night, Edward.
20:57Good night, kitten.
21:04Oh, you look
21:06absolutely beautiful.
21:08And you?
21:09You have lost weight.
21:11He's divorced.
21:12I absolutely know it,
21:13Fisher.
21:13The Duchess?
21:14Please, come.
21:15I want you to meet him.
21:16No, no, no, no.
21:16I insist.
21:17Duke, darling,
21:18I want you to meet her.
21:20She's from Detroit.
21:20Don't hold it against her.
21:22Ah!
21:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:24ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:24ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:24ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:25ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:25ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
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