- 6 days ago
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00:02Is it you Greg clippin' a lawyer?
00:03Yep.
00:04I already flipped out and he hijacked a bus with a bowling trophy.
00:10Have you been talking to Jane?
00:11Yeah.
00:12She was in here earlier.
00:13She got moon pies and generic vodka.
00:15Her mom must be in town.
00:18Yeah, no, Greg just took a break from the law so we could relax and enjoy life.
00:22Excuse me, miss.
00:23When you advertise double coupons, aren't you legally obligated to double whatever the value?
00:27Only the first dollar.
00:28Just answer the question yes or no, please.
00:31It's not that simple.
00:32Just answer the question, please.
00:34It's nice because now we get to a grocery shop together.
00:37Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, back up.
00:38$1.99.
00:39Does that seem correct to you?
00:40You don't have to answer that.
00:40Honey, don't you want to take that relaxing drive down to the beach to watch a beautiful sunset?
00:44Just a sec.
00:45They're on special for 30 cents a can.
00:47Would you mind reading for everyone the advertised price on this particular beverage?
00:50It says 30 cents a can.
00:52And what is 30 times 6?
00:56I need a key.
00:57I need a key.
01:00We're going to miss that sunset.
01:01There'll be one tomorrow.
01:0330 times 6, that's $1.80, isn't it?
01:05Say yes.
01:06Sir, the individual cans aren't special, not the six pack.
01:09Oh, she just said yes.
01:10Can you believe this?
01:12Essentially, they're charging 19 cents for the plastic can holder.
01:16I know.
01:16It's an outrage.
01:19Hey, look.
01:19The woman who took up two parking spots is loading up her car.
01:22Perfect.
01:22I want to see her face when she reads my notes.
01:27Hey, thank you for being so patient, everybody.
01:29Impulse items on me.
01:31Gum.
01:32Batteries.
01:33Look at this.
01:34Baby born with blowhole.
01:35Who wants it?
01:52All right.
01:54Now just follow your breath.
01:55In with tranquility.
01:58We're breathing out loving kindness.
02:02The woman in the Explorer apologized.
02:07Well, good.
02:08Now why don't we let that go and just stay with our breath?
02:13It was kind of a half-hearted apology.
02:18Uh-huh.
02:19Breathe in.
02:20Now feel your lungs filling with oxygen.
02:23Feel that oxygen-rich blood traveling through your veins to your fingers, your toes.
02:27Arteries.
02:28Arteries.
02:28I'm sorry?
02:29Oxygenated blood travels out through your arteries.
02:31It travels back through your veins.
02:36Thank you for that.
02:37No problem.
02:41Ignore that.
02:42Let's keep going.
02:43It could be the pizza I ordered.
02:45You ordered the pizza?
02:46I thought you wanted to meditate.
02:48Well, you said it would take a half an hour.
02:50I meant around half an hour.
02:52Dharma, I don't know what's in your head unless you say it.
02:57Sometimes that's a good thing.
03:01I'll grab us a couple of beers.
03:05Oh, hi, Donald.
03:06Hi, Dharma.
03:07You left your debit card at the market.
03:09It's not a smart move.
03:10It's lost or stolen.
03:11Debit cards don't offer the same legal protection as credit cards.
03:14Is that the pizza?
03:15No, it's Donald.
03:17I left my debit card at the market.
03:19How could you forget your debit card?
03:20I don't know.
03:21Oh, maybe I got distracted when the woman in the Explorer tried to back over you.
03:27Noted, but you should be aware debit cards don't offer the same protection as credit cards.
03:32That's the word on the street.
03:36Would you like to come hang with us?
03:38Evidently, we ordered pizza.
03:39I can't.
03:40I got band practice.
03:42Oh, did you guys ever come up with a name?
03:44Not yet.
03:44I want to call it Apollo's Army.
03:46You know, after the great god of music.
03:48But, uh, but Stewie, he wants to call it snot.
03:53Well, they're both...
03:56timeless.
03:58No, no, no, no.
03:59Hold on.
04:00Can we not stipulate that when I placed my order, a covenant was created between me,
04:05the pizza orderer, and you, the pizza maker?
04:08Or should I say alleged pizza maker?
04:10Because I've seen no evidence to support the claim.
04:13No, I am calm.
04:14I am very calm.
04:15Look, pal, I meditate.
04:20Hey, would you mind if I tag along and listen to you guys rehearse?
04:23Sure.
04:23I mean, we're not going to be very good.
04:25Our drummer's out with mono.
04:26Can you hold on a second?
04:28Hello?
04:29Oh, good.
04:30Yes, I was in your supermarket earlier today, and I bought some soda.
04:33Can you hold on for a second?
04:35Do you need a drummer?
04:36Because I used to play.
04:38Yeah, sure.
04:39Let's go.
04:40What about the pizza?
04:42I have a feeling that when it gets here, it's going to have spit on it.
04:46I'm going to go play drums in Donald's band, bye.
04:48Okay.
04:50Again, the individual soda cans were on sale for 30 cents.
04:54You play drums?
04:58Well, we look like Apollo's Army, but we sound more like snot, so we'll probably go with snot.
05:04So, you guys need a guitar player?
05:06No.
05:07Brody?
05:09Sorry.
05:10How about if I just stand in the back and yell, free bird?
05:14Has Greg changed his diet?
05:16No.
05:17You know what?
05:17Is he getting enough sleep?
05:19Yeah.
05:20How are his bowel movements?
05:22Abby, is there a problem?
05:24Yeah.
05:25Your husband's out there acting like a big, fat ass, pardon my French.
05:29I know.
05:30He's driving me nuts.
05:31He keeps arguing about everything.
05:33It doesn't matter what.
05:34He has to be right, and if you disagree with him, he just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing.
05:38Sounds like a bowel problem to me.
05:41It's unbelievable.
05:43Abby, every time I say anything, I feel like I'm on trial.
05:46Well, maybe that's it.
05:48I mean, since Greg stopped being a lawyer, that energy has to come out somehow.
05:53Right.
05:54Like when Larry quit being a rodeo clam, but couldn't stop taunting bulls.
05:57Oh.
05:58That was a bad year.
06:01I just, I don't know what to do.
06:02I mean, I've tried everything.
06:03I've been so patient.
06:04I mean, I've meditated with him so long, my mantra's starting to annoy me.
06:08Nothing's worked.
06:09Have you tried engaging that energy?
06:10Argued back at him?
06:12You want me to fight with him?
06:13Well, honey, if you don't, he might feel compelled to get his needs met outside the home.
06:19Oh, but I hate arguing.
06:21Do you love him, Dharma?
06:23If we're going to make band practice, we should go.
06:27I completely disagree.
06:30Honey, it's rush hour.
06:32No, it's not.
06:35How can you say that?
06:40I didn't.
06:46What's her problem?
06:48She loves you very, very much.
06:53I'm getting knocked down.
07:14All right.
07:15All right.
07:16That's the first time we all finished simultaneously.
07:17That's the first time we actually played the same song!
07:20Ow!
07:23Hello.
07:24Hey, you must be Oliver's mom.
07:26Yes, I am. And you are?
07:27Oh, I'm Dharma Montgomery.
07:28And this is my husband, Gray.
07:30Uh-huh.
07:31Hello.
07:31Hello.
07:32And, uh, what are you doing here, Mrs. Montgomery?
07:34I'm the funky backbone to this rock-and-roll beast.
07:41Ms. Epstein, Dharma's taking Eddie's place
07:43because he has mononucleosis,
07:44which is erroneously known as kissing disease.
07:47Especially with Eddie.
07:52Excuse me, what'd you pay for this soda?
07:56I don't recall.
07:59Okay, well, I guess I'll be back in the house
08:02should you need me for any reason, kids.
08:05Any reason at all.
08:07I want this door left open.
08:13Martin, there's a grown woman playing with Oliver!
08:20So, Mr. Montgomery, what'd you think?
08:22You guys are great.
08:23Although, Dharma, I think you were dragging the tempo just a little bit.
08:27Really?
08:27That's what you think?
08:28I'm afraid so.
08:29Well, I'm afraid you're wrong.
08:30I was rock-steady.
08:31Honey, I put my stopwatch to it.
08:33You went from 104 beats a minute down to 99 and then back up to 108.
08:36Oh, boy.
08:37Oh, thanks.
08:40You can't keep time on a watch.
08:42Honey, listen to yourself.
08:44That's what watches do.
08:45I know what watches do.
08:47Well, you don't have to get defensive.
08:48Ah, wrong again.
08:49I wasn't being defensive.
08:50I was being argumentative.
08:51No, no, no.
08:51You were having an emotional reaction.
08:54In an argument, you state facts to support your case.
08:56Okay.
08:56You want a fact?
08:57I rocked!
08:58No.
09:00I rocked is your thesis.
09:01You can't restate your thesis as a supporting fact.
09:04Okay, now you're just making stuff up.
09:07Oliver, you wouldn't happen to have a copy of the American Debating Society rules, would
09:10you?
09:11No, but we could probably download it off the net.
09:13John, we'll be right back.
09:14No, no, you don't have to show me.
09:25We are not the only house in this cul-de-sac.
09:28Sorry.
09:29Okay.
09:31Oh!
09:31No, sorry.
09:32My foot slipped.
09:33Sorry.
09:41Give me the Tranquility juice with extra antioxidants.
09:45Can you give me a little?
09:46No.
09:47I'm drinking to forget.
09:51Dharma, you've had a lot of juice.
09:53I don't need a lecture.
09:56Give me a shot of spirulina and keep them coming.
09:59You wanna talk about it?
10:01No.
10:03Uh-oh.
10:04I just figured out why they call these things smoothies.
10:11I just can't argue anymore.
10:13I'm exhausted.
10:15Last night, I woke him up because he was snoring.
10:17He said he wasn't.
10:19And I said, how would you know?
10:20You were sleeping.
10:21Well, three hours later, I'm forced to admit that since I had no witness, I have no case.
10:26Who do you have to mow to get a wheatgrass around here?
10:32Where is he now?
10:34I needed a break, so I told him his parents said he had a very happy childhood.
10:41I give you Exhibit C, a telegram from a hotel in Mallorca, Spain.
10:45Dear Gregory, sorry to hear camp, quote, sucks, unquote, fondly, Mom and Dad.
10:51Gregory, may I say something?
10:52You'll be given an opportunity to rebut.
10:54I suggest you take notes.
10:57Thanksgiving break, 1978.
10:59A flight home from boarding school.
11:00Did my mother and father meet me at the airport?
11:03Oh, for heaven's sakes, we sent you a stretch.
11:06We sent you a stretch.
11:10Your mother wanted to send a town car.
11:15Edward, you're not helping.
11:22Dermot, he's a trained lawyer.
11:24He argues for a living.
11:25If you play by his rules, he's just gonna wear you down.
11:27She's right.
11:28Greg and I are professional litigators.
11:30I mean, you can't ask an ordinary person to successfully argue with him.
11:33Ah, shut your pie hole.
11:38You gotta get in there.
11:39You gotta hit him hard.
11:40Fighting is like sex.
11:42The dirtier, the better.
11:44I don't wanna fight dirty.
11:46Do you love him, Dermot?
11:48Huh?
11:53There's this guy.
12:00Oh, Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy.
12:07I get knocked down, but I get up again.
12:11You're never gonna keep me down.
12:12I get knocked down, but I get up again.
12:15You're never gonna keep me down.
12:17I get knocked down, but I get up again.
12:20You're never gonna keep me down
12:21I get knocked down
12:23But I'll get up again
12:24You're never gonna keep me down
12:26I get knocked down
12:27All right!
12:29All right!
12:31Thank you!
12:33Okay, we'll be back in 20.
12:36Meanwhile, enjoy my parents' cocktail party.
12:37We are Snot's Army.
12:43You guys sound great.
12:45Thanks.
12:45Thanks a lot.
12:46Really?
12:47Rock steady.
12:47Rock steady.
12:50But...
12:50But nothing.
12:52Okay, I don't get this one.
12:53Hey, guys.
12:54Remember my parents?
12:56Yes.
12:56Hi.
12:57Nice to see you.
12:57Hi.
12:58How do you do?
12:59Thanks for helping Donald
13:00keep his little combo together.
13:02It's so healthy for him
13:03to have outside activities.
13:05Well, it's not a combo.
13:06It's a band.
13:07Well, actually, son, it's either.
13:09Of course, if you had a string and brass section,
13:11you'd be an orchestra.
13:13Well, um...
13:14Technically, an orchestra also requires woodwinds.
13:18Well, anyway.
13:21We think Donald's really cool
13:22and we like hanging out with him.
13:24You hear that, Donnie Duck?
13:26We think he's pretty cool, too.
13:29Oh, Donald, honey, you're sweating.
13:31Why don't you go wash up with an astringent
13:33while your pores are open?
13:36Mom?
13:39Great set, Donald.
13:44This band is a big breakthrough for him.
13:48He has trouble making friends.
13:50Oh, yeah, it's just because he's so smart.
13:52He has trouble communicating with kids his own age.
13:55Intelligence has nothing to do with it.
13:56He just has poor socialization skills.
13:59That's basically what I just said.
14:01No, it isn't.
14:01Ability to get along with others
14:03has nothing to do with intellect.
14:05Well, it's been my experience
14:06that many bright people can be extremely annoying.
14:11Donald, however, is just a little shy.
14:13See, you just proved my point.
14:15Shyness is a result of poor socialization skills.
14:18Donald can't get along with other people
14:19because his parents didn't teach him how.
14:21No offense.
14:23No, honey, Donald can't get along with others
14:25because he was raised by a father
14:26who quotes encyclopedias at him.
14:28No offense.
14:28No.
14:30No, it's because he has a mother
14:31who thinks it's all right
14:32to point out her son's zits in public.
14:34No offense.
14:37I don't think you're in any position
14:38to point to somebody else's mother
14:40as being a poor parent.
14:41Oh, you want to drag my mother into this?
14:43Oh, dig up your grandma if I have to.
14:44Okay, all right.
14:46My mother may have been a little distant,
14:48but that doesn't change my point
14:49that the reason Donald gets pantsed every day
14:52by the chess club
14:53is because he's the pasty offspring
14:54of Mr. and Mrs. Poindexter here.
14:58No offense.
14:59None taken.
14:59I don't see
15:01how you can point to your mother
15:03as being distant
15:04when she lives inside your head.
15:06Okay, okay.
15:07You want to talk about mothers and fathers?
15:08Let's talk about a woman
15:10who can't even call her parents
15:11mother and father.
15:12That would make them authority figures.
15:15That is true.
15:16The titles mother and father do establish...
15:18Shut up!
15:20Oh, my God!
15:22Look, Greg,
15:23I found your mother's heart.
15:26Melt it,
15:27and we've got your father's brain.
15:31Well, at least my father
15:33is an affectionate,
15:35and caring man who...
15:45You want to go?
15:46Yeah.
15:46Okay.
15:47Hey, hey, party.
15:49Let's have a deal.
15:58Wow.
15:59Yeah.
16:01It's kind of nice
16:02to embarrass ourselves
16:03in front of somebody else's parents
16:04for a change.
16:07Hey.
16:09Um,
16:10Dharma, thank you.
16:11For what?
16:12For arguing with me.
16:14For showing me
16:15how my obsession
16:16with being right
16:16has kept me
16:17from achieving
16:18any peace of mind
16:19and serenity.
16:25That's not exactly why I did it.
16:27Well,
16:28it worked.
16:29It doesn't matter why.
16:31Well, no, see,
16:32because you're a lawyer
16:33and you had no outlet
16:34for your argumentative nature,
16:36so I was just kind of
16:37letting you get it
16:37out of your system.
16:38Okay, whatever.
16:39No, not whatever.
16:40I want you to see
16:41the difference here.
16:42It doesn't matter.
16:43Yes, it does.
16:43I want the record
16:44to correctly reflect
16:45my motivations.
16:46So stipulated.
16:46No, no, no.
16:47Don't you stipulate me.
16:48I'm right,
16:48and I can prove it.
16:49Dharma,
16:50there's nothing to prove.
16:50Yes, there is everything
16:51to prove
16:52and nothing to gain.
16:55You're not making any sense.
16:57Ha-ha!
16:57So you agree.
17:01So, sorry we had
17:02to kick you out of the band.
17:03Oh.
17:04But my parents
17:05sort of insisted.
17:06Yeah.
17:07It's okay.
17:08You see their point.
17:09Oh, yeah,
17:10they're doing the right thing.
17:11Yeah.
17:11Well, here's your cut
17:12of our gig.
17:14$12.50?
17:15Sweet!
17:17You didn't fill out a W-2,
17:18so I'm gonna have
17:19to $10.99 you
17:20at the end of the year.
17:22Okay.
17:22I'll set some aside.
17:23Well,
17:24I should get going
17:25because I'm really
17:26not supposed to be here.
17:26Gotcha.
17:27Bye.
17:27Bye, Donald.
17:30So, uh,
17:31what now?
17:31The, uh,
17:32drums go back
17:33to your parents?
17:33No, actually,
17:34I have a chance
17:35to audition
17:35for another band.
17:36Really?
17:37Want to come along?
17:37Uh, no,
17:38I don't think so.
17:39I've kind of had
17:40my fill of garage bands.
17:43It'll be fun.
17:44Oh, it's okay.
17:45I, uh,
17:46it's your thing.
17:47You don't need
17:47me tagging along.
17:48All right.
17:49I don't want to argue.
17:51A one,
17:51a two,
17:52a three,
17:53a four.
17:59All right.
18:00Fine.
18:00You count it in.
18:01I'll count it in.
18:02All right.
18:03Two.
18:03One,
18:04two,
18:04three.
18:04One,
19:04Yeah.
19:05Cool!
19:13Okay, Bob.
19:14You want to see anything else?
19:16Um, what about a moringa?
19:18Uh, poker.
19:20Okay, well, let me see.
19:21You play poker, I'll see.
19:49That's kind of too funky for your style, right?
19:55Not at all.
19:56Come on.
20:30Come on.
20:33Come on.
20:34Come on.
21:06So, can I play with you guys?
21:07Do I get the job?
21:08Well, we don't know yet.
21:10Do you want me to play some more, so you can decide?
21:12Uh, no.
21:12Oh.
21:15I got a van.
21:17You got a van?
21:17Yeah, actually, can you guys help me load up my stuff?
21:23Well, sure.
21:27Come on.
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