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00:03oh my god i can't believe i'm picking out with federal prosecutor of the year western region
00:10division two section b believe it baby
00:32can i tell you a secret i'm almost all ears when i was a little girl i'd lay on my
00:40bed every night
00:41with my journal of the american bar association cutting out pictures of hunky lawyers like you
00:47oh don't be embarrassed all little girls do that
00:52now kiss me show me the plaque first
01:01oh honey honey you want me to help you with that because it's kind of tricky maybe for an ordinary
01:05man but not for federal prosecutor of the year western region division two section b
01:13folks we're here live being undressed by award-winning federal prosecutor gregory montgomery
01:18mr montgomery you clearly have the talent to be an adult film star
01:24what made you choose the law oh you know the usual reasons the groupies the complimentary legal pads
01:31there you have it folks behind every great man nookie and free office supply
01:37you know i can't even remember when i first decided to become a lawyer
01:41probably not enough blood in your head
01:45now isn't that isn't it strange i mean a lot of people have asked me that question but i never
01:48really thought about it why start now here honey let me show you a little trick with these buttons
01:59ta-da
02:02i've spent my entire adult life doing something and i don't know why
02:18you know if anybody but you would ask me why i became a lawyer i'd give them some glib answer
02:23and
02:23that'd be that fine pretend i'm someone else hi i'm patricia pillowhead quick take me before my
02:32husband mr pillowhead gets home no no no don't let me off the hook i gotta i gotta figure this
02:36out
02:38stand by fellas we've hit a snag
02:42what's going on honey i don't know i i'm gonna make some coffee all right boys smoke them if you
02:49got them
03:14honey you gonna come to bed soon you still want to know why i became a lawyer sure of course
03:23well i don't know well it's okay it was a trick question gotcha
03:29maybe it's uh because i never felt worthy of being loved and if i were successful and important i would
03:36deserve that love you thought people loved lawyers see
03:42it doesn't make any sense my whole life doesn't make any sense hey how can you say that you haven't
03:50even lived your whole life yeah well i i guess that's true yeah i mean for all we know life
03:58doesn't even make sense until the end you know like jokes like right now you're just a guy sitting
04:05in a bar with a duck on his head exactly i i'm i'm i'm just beginning it's it's almost like
04:16like
04:17like like today is the first day of the rest of my life like the poster what poster never mind
04:25do you realize what an opportunity this is i mean look at all those windows behind
04:34every one of them are people stumbling through life with no idea why they're doing what they're doing
04:41i think they know why they're doing what they're doing oh you go girl girls
04:57i'm sorry i'm so sorry big breakthrough your whole life is a lie you became a lawyer is a misguided
05:03yeah yeah anyway thanks to you i i finally realized that
05:15want to talk about this inside yeah yeah probably better
05:36it's not popsicles it's obstacles although the obstacles could be popsicles if they were really big
05:43get in your way craig have you slept at all 32 years thank you very much
05:54okay what you doing reading all your books on spiritual enlightenment
05:58really this stuff is incredible do you realize that that most of these guys have spent their entire
06:04lives figuring out who they are and what their true purpose was yeah it's amazing isn't it unbelievable
06:10i mean if you buckle down it shouldn't take more than a month
06:17did you really read all of these books fine i skim them i got the gist
06:24walden simplified tibetan book of the dead we're all gonna die be here now well duh
06:29then next time i'm gonna read the bible oh well let me save you some time first half don't mess
06:34with
06:34god second half be nice to people thank you that's a couple of days right there
06:40i think i need some coffee okay i'm gonna uh try some meditation
06:53okay i see how that can be helpful
07:02phone celia it's probably for you
07:11hello oh hello dama i'm fine thank you well i'm glad you're fine as well how can i help you
07:21well i certainly appreciate you respecting my wishes and calling before you drop by however
07:26now would would not be a good time because i have guests
07:36what do you mean where are they where are you
07:44come in
07:48oh use the door
07:51didn't want to bump into all your guests on their way out oh very clever well do oh are these
07:58just
07:58for anyone apparently so to what do i owe the honor why can't a daughter-in-law just drop by
08:07to say how
08:08do you do because we are not mountain folk
08:14i just wanted to give you a little heads up about greg what about him well last night he had
08:20what's
08:20probably a very normal healthy spiritual awakening and now he's peeling off the layers of greg montgomery
08:27that we're familiar with and replacing him with the whole brand new guy what i'm saying is how can we
08:33be sure of anything this table it's only a table because we call it a table it's only here because
08:39we all agree it's here
08:43so you're against casual fridays
08:47i'm against living an unexamined life so you're for casual fridays sorry i'm late when i miss well
08:54let's see mr claiborne called the meeting to order mr webster brought up the issue of casual
08:59fridays and then buzz aldrin here took off for the moon i'm glad you're here pete nobody help him
09:09pete what is this
09:20who's there
09:23you know there is a very simple way of looking at this okay greg is like a caterpillar who spent
09:30his
09:30whole life in a cocoon and now he's emerging as a beautiful butterfly so he's gay
09:40don't you ever wonder why we're doing this why we all became attorneys
09:50i don't know oh come on people isn't it because we wanted to put on this big fancy mask and
09:57march
09:57around hey look at me i'm an attorney i'm an attorney
10:02not for long
10:07so
10:08so he's just trying to find himself exactly nothing to worry about well
10:16i think we all feel better if i can speak for the group
10:25mrs darma's phone
10:29are you in for mr pete thank you celia you're welcome
10:37hey pete what's up oh that's bad oh oh that's really bad okay i'll be right over
10:44what's wrong what makes you think something's wrong let it go
10:51oh that's handy
10:57hey great let me ask you a question do you still consider this a desk
11:06what do you think honey exactly that's my point it's all subjective
11:21hello hey look at that your desk flipped too
11:27everything's fine he's just gonna go home and take a little break you know what she's right i quit
11:33i didn't say that no you didn't have to i got you i quit uh look mrs montgomery don't you
11:38think
11:39you should let him make this decision it is his decision well then why are you
11:43telling him telling him to quit i'm not i didn't he's not quitting no no no i'm out of here
11:50i quit
11:53if his mother calls this was not my fault okay
12:16i'm standing in the rain
12:19i am experiencing the rain
12:23and the rain is experiencing me
12:28greg those old postage stamps we found in my dad's shed you didn't lick any of them did you
12:36i have spent my entire life getting out of the rain because society said come inside greg it's raining
12:44but why can't it be it's raining greg go outside because it's raining greg come inside
12:54i thought you of all people would understand i do but you're trying to do too much too fast
13:03you think yeah it's okay though i mean look at all you've accomplished yesterday you're a liar of the
13:10year and now you just come inside hey don't elude the the lesbians are watching me now
13:35i got him inside i toweled him off and i put him to bed and that
13:40is where he has been ever since any questions are you telling me gregory quit his job and he has
13:47been
13:47in bed for the last two days yes so but there are no other questions thank you very much for
13:57coming
13:59dharma we don't know we cannot just go we have to handle this crisis it's not a crisis kitty
14:06it's a celebration really i mean greg is rebirthing himself and we all know how exhausting that can be
14:16you know what they say there's no epidural during a spiritual rebirth
14:25i always thought it was there are no atheists in a foxhole
14:30look i just want us all to agree that we are going to give greg our love and support
14:34okay no pressure we have never pressured gregory never are you kidding you guys wrap them tighter
14:40than an airport sandwich don't blame me i was working i barely spoke to the boy
14:50are you saying this is my fault no you're a perfect mother and a beautiful woman
14:58dharma do you have anything stronger than scotch
15:02edward i don't want to judge but your drinking could be part of the problem hey wait a minute
15:06i never drank around the boy i always drank alone okay i think we may have strayed from the subject
15:14what
15:14was the subject how do you dress yourself in the morning you called a family meeting for that
15:27hey hey jane i just wanted to give you this for greg you know casey starts chewing on his legs
15:39it's very funny i didn't even have one i had to go out and buy it
15:47okay now it's not a good time really looks like you have all the ingredients
15:53bye bye jane bye bye i'll be back i know
16:01hey look who's up how you feeling great can you believe i slept for 14 hours oh yeah i was
16:10there for
16:11great of them what you watching some movie this guy's from the future but the movie was made in
16:17the 40s so he's actually from five years ago well i'll be darned how's your voyage of self-discovery
16:24going good going to a giants game this afternoon with the guy who brought the new phone books
16:30you're going to another baseball game yeah but today i'm taking my mitt you know i would have caught
16:34that ball yesterday if i'd had a mitt well you know i was worried that you weren't going to be
16:40able to unwind and slow down but look at you go do you get the new tv guide yes and
16:47the fiddle faddle
16:48yup and i also got you a book it's about how to incorporate spirituality into your everyday life
16:55you know if you ever choose to have one again i wonder how fiddle faddle would taste in milk
17:07but it's been two months two months yeah i know well dharma it takes as long as it takes
17:13hey look who's up morning anyway dharma the best thing you can do for greg is be there for him
17:22and
17:22just give him as much time as he needs to find his true path abby yeah do you know where
17:27this week's
17:28tv guide is here larry thanks oh boy organic fiddle faddle oh ow ow hot hot good though
17:51great what are you doing fixing my hair did you cut it no no i pulled it back in a
17:57ponytail
18:00what do you think
18:05pop-tarts are done
18:12and we're breathing
18:15and we're accepting
18:21oh screw this
18:25oh hot hot good good hot good
18:29all right mister here's how it's gonna be i'm going to the store which in case you're wondering
18:34is how pop-tarts get here and when i get back i want you showered and shaved and on some
18:40damn road
18:41to enlighten i don't care which one this is garfield
18:50where did you get this found it uh half the pages are missing but that's okay because it's not really
18:57a
19:05story
19:06are you gonna dump him no i'm not gonna dump him come on dump him then i'll dump pete we'll
19:12go do
19:13something fun i thought you and pete were happy we are but if you're gonna be single i don't want
19:17to
19:18miss out we're not breaking up i love greg i love greg more than anything
19:25hi pretty lady
19:29i shouldn't have lost my temper you know who am i to tell greg how long this should take
19:34so you're just gonna let him rot on your sofa like a big wheel of stinky cheese
19:38if that's his bliss i just have to figure out how to get his mother off my back she's calling
19:43me every
19:43day well the way i see it you got two choices either you can have a roughed up or you
19:48can fake
19:49your own death either way i know a guy i'll let you know right now i need to go apologize
19:58to greg
19:59right now but you promised all right one ride on the vibrating pony and then we're leaving
20:09greg i got you the new tv guide and some fiddle faddle
20:15greg
20:16darma what
20:21what's this oh my god what you were right i wasn't accomplishing anything sitting at home
20:30if i'm really serious about changing my life i've got to go out into the world and take some
20:34chances i'll call you as soon as i can i love you he's gone wow yeah
20:47can i have his fiddle faddle
20:52you
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