- 8 hours ago
Charlie's Patient Gets Out of Jail
Charlie and his ex, Jennifer, are having an issue with how Charlie still tries to manage her life when Cleo—one of Charlie's patients from his prison anger therapy group—shows up on his doorstep, fresh out on parole. Jennifer decides to get back at Charlie by dating the ex-con.
Charlie and his ex, Jennifer, are having an issue with how Charlie still tries to manage her life when Cleo—one of Charlie's patients from his prison anger therapy group—shows up on his doorstep, fresh out on parole. Jennifer decides to get back at Charlie by dating the ex-con.
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TVTranscript
00:00Let's move on.
00:03Donovan, I know that you and Cleo had some words
00:05about how much time you've been spending in the library,
00:06so you want to talk about that?
00:08Yes. Cleo's been a real supportive lady.
00:11He knows that I have to get my law degree
00:13so I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt
00:15that I'm innocent.
00:16They have you on videotapes
00:17stabbing three people in a Relax the Back store.
00:21I ain't say it was gonna be easy.
00:24Well, Cleo, I know you were angry
00:26about not spending enough time with Donovan.
00:27You want to tell us why you were able to let that go?
00:30I don't want to, but I have to.
00:37Donovan, you know how we said
00:39that if one of us gets out before the other
00:40that we would kill ourselves?
00:44I'd like to revisit that.
00:48What?
00:50I'm getting out today.
00:52I got a letter last week,
00:53something about prison overcrowding.
00:55What?
00:56You knew for a week!
00:58Donovan, Donovan.
01:00You're obviously hurt.
01:01You need to express to Cleo how that makes you feel.
01:03Otherwise, otherwise hurt turns to anger,
01:05anger turns to rage,
01:06and rage turns to...
01:07Holy crap!
01:10Wait, wait, wait. I got this.
01:11I got this. I got this.
01:12Donovan, Donovan.
01:13Why did you tell me?
01:15I thought you might get mad.
01:17Well, he did kill three people over a back pillow,
01:19so good call.
01:21I'm so sorry, monster.
01:23No!
01:24I'm not your monster anymore!
01:27You broke my heart, Cleo!
01:30I could have traded you for jello!
01:32And I didn't!
01:35Here you go, bro.
01:40How about now?
01:41Now's good.
01:44Okay, I know it goes without saying,
01:46but I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
01:49We never hand the angry man a second chair.
02:00Now remember, when you approach the dish,
02:02you gotta do something to distract the pitcher.
02:04Wink at her.
02:04Like, maybe you know something she doesn't.
02:06Like, this generation will be the first
02:08to do worse than their parents,
02:09and we're all doomed for failure?
02:12Just trying to hit the ball and have fun.
02:14Gotcha.
02:15This tournament's making me nuts.
02:17I don't even know how Sam's gonna deal
02:19with the bus ride there with her OCD and everything.
02:21She's terrified of truck stop bathrooms.
02:24Hey, I want my teenage daughter
02:25terrified of truck stop bathrooms.
02:27Good point.
02:29Hey, while we have a second,
02:30will you look at something?
02:32It's a new business I'm looking into.
02:36Green Goddesses?
02:37It's a maid service franchise
02:39that hires hot maids
02:40and only uses green products.
02:42Hot maids?
02:44Where are you gonna find beautiful women
02:45who wanna clean toilets?
02:46Men have been looking for that for thousands of years.
02:49They help you.
02:50You give Green Goddesses $10,000,
02:52and they give you the logo,
02:54the cleaning supplies,
02:55and the short skirts.
02:56It's a no-brainer.
02:58So, for 10 grand, you get Lysol
03:00and a logo of a dolphin with tits and a mop.
03:03Okay, first of all,
03:04it's a mermaid with an eco-friendly dolphin's head.
03:09And why do you have to be so negative?
03:12Remember Downward Dog?
03:14The yoga studio?
03:16For dogs?
03:22Cleo,
03:23it's Derek on the outside.
03:25Hey, I don't think we've met.
03:27This is Derek.
03:28Old ball player buddy.
03:29This is my ex-wife Jennifer.
03:31Hey.
03:31Hi.
03:32Why would you ex this?
03:34Well, who says it was his idea?
03:37But I don't recognize you.
03:38Where did you and Charlie play?
03:40They played at Akron.
03:41Hell of a ball player.
03:43Switch hit her.
03:44Okay.
03:46Come on.
03:47Let's go to the bus.
03:48We're gonna be late.
03:48Alright.
03:50Bye, kiddo.
03:51Bye.
03:52Nice meeting you.
03:57What the hell are you doing here?
03:58I want to see my wife.
03:59Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
04:01You have a wife?
04:01I'm PG, man.
04:03Prison gay.
04:05What happens in jail stays in jail.
04:07So, what happened with your wife?
04:09She said she was gonna wait for me,
04:11but there's a jack in the box where my house was.
04:12She moved to San Diego with some Chinese guy,
04:14and they got three kids.
04:17And a damn dog named Cleo.
04:22Wow, that's, that, that, that really sucks.
04:26So, uh, can I get some water or something?
04:31You know why I'm here.
04:33For water?
04:35My parole officer said if I don't find an address by the night,
04:37I gotta go to a county facility.
04:40I need a place to stay.
04:42Look, look, Derek, I would love to help you,
04:44but I gotta keep our relationship strictly professional.
04:47But if you want to come here for anger therapy classes,
04:50I'd be more than happy to do that.
04:51When's the next session?
04:52Uh, tomorrow, 2 p.m.
04:54Great!
04:55I'm gonna wait on the couch.
05:02Everybody, this is Derek, and Derek is a former member of my prison group.
05:05I want to remind you all that, as always, everyone's private life is confidential.
05:09Nothing leaves this room.
05:11Unless he steals it.
05:15Okay, let's just pick up where we left off last time.
05:18Patrick?
05:18Right.
05:19So, I was at this restaurant having dinner with a friend,
05:22and this prick next to me says that I'm too loud and threatens to call the manager.
05:26I-I got something like that.
05:28I shared a cell with a Russian gangster, and he said I talk too loud,
05:31and if I didn't stop, he'd tie my balls around my neck.
05:37He called it a Moscow bow tie.
05:43Look how much we all have in common.
05:47And what happened, Patrick?
05:49Never mind.
05:52Lazy, how are things, uh, going with your mom?
05:54She's insane.
05:56If I want to keep getting my allowance, I have to get a job.
05:59I thought parents were supposed to fund you unconditionally.
06:02That's love you unconditionally.
06:04And only dogs do that.
06:05Well, she gives my dog an allowance, too, and he doesn't have to get a job.
06:09I fear you, girl.
06:11Mothers can be frustrated.
06:12Mine would burn me with cigarettes.
06:14You learn to stop reaching across the table for food real quick.
06:22And I'm guessing you're gonna pass on the story about the gum wrappers.
06:25Uh, yeah.
06:30You know, Prison Break Jones over there is not the only guy who's had a tough life.
06:35I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
06:36My mother burned me, too.
06:39With unending, subtle critiques of my clothes.
06:44You may not see the scars through there.
06:46Well, I think we can all take a listen from this.
06:49When you think your problems are really big, remember, at least no one's tying your junk around your neck.
06:56Don't quote me on that.
07:01Hey, Derek, how you doing?
07:03Good.
07:03Good.
07:04Charlie's let me crash for a few days, so I thought I'd help out a little.
07:08Well, don't mind me.
07:08I'm just gonna borrow Charlie's washing machine for a couple of loads.
07:12Mine keeps lighting up unbalanced.
07:14I think it's making fun of me.
07:17You know what, let me, let me get that for you.
07:20I'm doing Charlie's of mine anyway.
07:22Wow, thank you.
07:24Don't mind, uh, the granny panties are not mine, they just came with the basket.
07:29Uh, if your washing machine's broke, I, pretty handy, I could take a look at it.
07:32Really?
07:34Yeah.
07:35Okay, that'd be great.
07:36That'd be amazing, thank you.
07:41Why is he doing your laundry?
07:43Because he offered like a gentleman, Charlie.
07:47Is there a Mrs. Gentleman?
07:51Wow.
07:52Okay, I, I, I should probably tell you something about Derek.
07:55Not a ball player.
07:56He was a member of the prison group I volunteered with.
07:59You're kidding.
08:00Nope.
08:01Hardcore criminal, 12 years behind bars, Grand Theft Auto, repeat offender, the whole package.
08:05So he's good looking, not afraid of commitment, and always drives a nice new car?
08:12Don't go there, Jen.
08:13Pardon me?
08:14Don't get involved with this guy, Jen.
08:16Do you really think I'm dumb enough to date a felon?
08:20Why, why do you always second guess everything I do?
08:24Are you sure you want to ask me that question?
08:26Why wouldn't I?
08:27Hey, quit it!
08:30As soon as you write my alimony check, give me some of that pizza, and he's done with my laundry.
08:35I'm out of here.
08:36I could take care of myself, you know?
08:39Uh, did you T-vote Project Runway for me?
08:41Yeah.
08:42I'm gonna go watch it.
08:50Hey.
08:50Hey.
08:52See that guy down there?
08:55It's my patient.
08:56Oh, is he the one that can't get mad?
08:58Yeah, we'll see.
08:59He thinks he's here because I'm setting him up on a date, but I want you to do everything
09:03you can to get him to the breaking point.
09:04How about I marry him?
09:07We're just trying to get him mad, not kill him.
09:16Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope those weren't your good clothes.
09:22No, uh, I'm meeting a girl, but it's okay. That was an honest mistake.
09:33That wasn't as honest. Maybe I'll just have nuts.
09:43Well, at least now you got something where yours ought to be.
09:49Hey, what's your name?
09:53And I feel bad that Jen walked away thinking I called her stupid.
09:56Do you think Jen's stupid?
09:58No, no. I mean, you and I, we have degrees, we read books, we're academic smart.
10:04Jen is more, I'm going up the down escalator. I'm not getting anywhere, so I should probably turn around. Smart.
10:12You know, you might want to get down off your high horse there for a minute, buddy.
10:16I know Jennifer, and while she's no Rhodes Scholar, she's probably smarter than you are in a lot of ways.
10:22I know one way she's not. I know what Rhodes Scholar means.
10:26You know, there's lots of different types of intelligence, Charlie. I bet if I wanted to, I could make you
10:33feel dumb.
10:34For example, spatial visual intelligence. Move only two matches to make a decagon.
10:44It's easy. Define decagon.
10:50Ten-sided figure. And don't worry, even though you're dumb, I still think you're pretty and we're having sex tonight.
10:59What's this?
10:59You have to make a ten-sided figure moving only two matches?
11:03I can do it moving one.
11:07There.
11:07Oh, my God. She's a genius.
11:11And if I do this and this, stick man with a boner.
11:20Might have been a fluke.
11:25You're right. You're right. I could be the bigger man.
11:27I'm gonna go apologize. I'll meet you back at your place later.
11:30Oh.
11:31And for the record, stick man with a coke problem.
11:40Stick man after a car accident.
11:47Because of his coke problem.
11:53Stick man.
11:55Living in a tent.
11:56Because he lost his house.
11:58Because of the car accident.
12:00And he's coke problem.
12:02Who's the genius now?
12:08Just a minute.
12:13Hello.
12:15Oh.
12:15I'm sorry. I should have called.
12:17Yeah, that would have been a good idea.
12:20I was driving home and I thought,
12:22I owe you an apology.
12:24You're not stupid.
12:25You're a smart person and you know exactly what you're doing.
12:27Baby, if that's the food, just bring it to bed.
12:29I'm gonna give you a massage.
12:39Oh, damn.
12:42You don't answer the door when your nails are wet.
12:45But you're in the middle of a prison rubdown and it's come on in.
12:56How stupid can one woman be?
12:58I know this game.
13:00Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, or Jennifer, your ex-wife.
13:04She's sleeping with Derek.
13:06I know it's unpopular, but I'm gonna go with the liberal Pelosi.
13:11Okay.
13:12Pants off.
13:13I told her not to and then she got mad at me for assuming she'd do something stupid.
13:16And then what does she do?
13:17The gay felon.
13:19Did she even know he was gay?
13:21Yeah, she knows.
13:22She's a big girl.
13:23She takes precautions.
13:24That's not what I'm worried about.
13:25I'm worried about the felon part.
13:26Yeah, that's a reasonable concern.
13:29Okay, I'll get the shirt.
13:31I don't want this guy in my life.
13:32He was in prison.
13:33He steals things and hides them in his ass.
13:37Charlie, where are your candlesticks?
13:38I don't know.
13:38I just checked my ex-wife's boyfriend's ass.
13:43Charlie, you're upset.
13:44We have a session tomorrow and we'll talk about this.
13:47So hold that thought.
13:48But right now, hold this and press the blue button three times.
13:54One, two, three.
13:55Look, she knows what she's doing.
13:56She's only doing this to piss me off.
13:59Whoa.
14:00Exactly.
14:00I don't know how far she'll take it.
14:03Are you listening to me?
14:04I can do two things at once.
14:08If she's doing this just to piss you off, then the worst thing you can do...
14:14is, uh, show her you're upset.
14:17Okay, I can't do two things at once.
14:20Okay, you know what?
14:21Just don't do anything and she'll stop acting crazy.
14:24You're right.
14:25She's trying to get a reaction.
14:26I mean, I'm not going to feed into that.
14:27Good.
14:28Now, I need all your attention.
14:30I just want you to put all your efforts into pleasing me.
14:35Oh, what, just push the button again?
14:38Yeah.
14:42Am I actually a part of this?
14:49Hey.
14:50Hey.
14:52Hey.
14:52Make breakfast.
14:53Feel bad about yesterday.
14:55Oh, it's all good.
14:56You can kick her with Jen.
14:57She's not my bitch no more.
14:59Just my baby mama.
15:03Are you trying to talk black?
15:05A little bit.
15:06That's just how Charlie do.
15:10Yeah, well, Charlie don't.
15:15You know, I'm, I'm proud of you.
15:18I mean, in a group you tell us to let go of our anger and you do it.
15:23You really walk the walk.
15:25Because under normal circumstances, a guy comes in your house, eats your food, sleeps in your bed, oils up your
15:30ex-wife.
15:31I mean, a guy could get pretty upset about that.
15:34Well, I always say, leave by example.
15:36Yeah.
15:37Would you pass the butter, please?
15:38Oh, yeah.
15:41That's my butter.
15:43You didn't ask.
15:44You just took it.
15:45And now you're gonna, now you're gonna smear it all over your toast right in front of me.
15:50If you don't want me using your butter, all you gotta do is say so.
15:53I don't want you using my butter.
15:56Shit seems like a waste of good butter.
15:59We're not talking about butter.
16:01I know, I know, I know.
16:05I'm gonna put some honey on those biscuits.
16:06That's cool, right?
16:08Yeah, yeah, honey's just honey.
16:10Hey, Charlie.
16:12Hey.
16:12Hey, Boo.
16:14Ready to head out to the beach?
16:16Yeah, uh, about that.
16:18Uh, can I talk to you out on the porch for a second?
16:22Okay.
16:26Mmm, honey and biscuits.
16:40You son of a bitch!
16:42What?
16:43You told Derek to stop seeing me.
16:45What do you care?
16:46This isn't about Derek, you're just seeing him to piss me off.
16:48You're so full of yourself, it's unbelievable.
16:51I can't just like him?
16:53He's a felon.
16:54He's an ex-felon.
16:55And I'm a 40-year-old single mother living in Los Angeles.
16:58I had to open up the dating pool.
17:00I now accept bartenders, pirates, and magicians.
17:05For the record, I was in jail for a long time, but I earned my GED.
17:08And I'm only two tests away from being a certified VCR repairman, so...
17:16See?
17:17You always have to control everything that I do.
17:20That's over.
17:21From now on, I'm doing whatever I want to do, and you have no say about it.
17:25I don't agree with anything you just said.
17:27And I don't care!
17:29Starting now, we're just a normal divorce couple.
17:32We're not friends.
17:33When we run into each other at the market, it's weird.
17:35If you're five minutes late dropping off Sam, we've got a problem.
17:39Oh, and by the way, Green Goddesses, the woman who bought the L.A. franchise just got a boatload of
17:45contracts.
17:46She's cleaning up!
17:47And I meant to say it like that!
17:54You're not supposed to be friends with your ex-wife anyway.
17:57That's against nature.
17:59I'm not saying it was easy, but it was definitely worth it.
18:01And as a person, I like Jen.
18:04My ex-wife and I hate each other.
18:06How about your kids?
18:06We hate them, too.
18:10What the hell is it?
18:13I knew this guy was trouble. Call the police!
18:16Not every black man running has committed a crime.
18:19They're right behind me! I just stole a car!
18:22You're making me look bad in front of my friend.
18:24I'm going back to prison, Charlie. I tried to make it work, but I'm Miss Donovan.
18:28Now I gotta go get arrested in San Bernardino, so I go back to the same prison.
18:31Wait, wait, wait. This is crazy. What about Jennifer?
18:34Oh, the ex-wife is a beautiful woman, but it just didn't feel right.
18:37I miss my monster.
18:41I gotta go, Charlie. I hope you're not disappointed in me.
18:44Well, it would have been nice if you could have made your life work on the outside, but...
18:46I got very little time in you going on a bit here.
18:50Oh, I told Jennifer in Cheez-A-Mesh you might want to check in on her.
18:55I'll see you next week in group.
19:07That's great. Now you're here to rub it in my face?
19:09Jennifer.
19:10No, no, no. You did it, Charlie. Once again, you proved you're smarter than me.
19:15Smarter than I.
19:18But that doesn't matter. That's not why I'm here.
19:23What's wrong with me? I just, I can't find it.
19:27What?
19:28I don't make good decisions.
19:30Yes, you do. You dump me.
19:34I was mostly my mom and my sisters.
19:37A couple of psychics.
19:40Look, you're not the one who has to change anything.
19:43I think you're right. I do try to control you.
19:45I don't know, maybe it's just my way of making sure you still need me.
19:49Or maybe you're just a butthole.
19:53We can talk semantics all day.
19:57What's important is that we stay friends.
20:00It's been, it's been great for Sam and, and it's been great for me.
20:05All right.
20:06No more judging, okay?
20:08You got it.
20:10Now, hold on to your hat.
20:14What?
20:14No, that's the company name.
20:16It's a little Velcro strap that attaches your hat to your collar.
20:20Thousands of hats are lost every year due to rainstorms, boats, and amusement park rides.
20:25No one has an exact number, but the financial loss reaches well into the millions.
20:33What do you think?
20:35I think, I mean, nobody likes losing a hat.
20:39That's amazing. That's our motto.
20:41Nobody likes losing the hat.
20:45No, I can't, I can't, I can't do it. I'm sorry.
20:47It's, it's, it's, it's a horrible idea.
20:50You'll lose everything.
20:51That was just a test.
20:53No, it wasn't.
20:54Okay, I'm into him for $1,000.
20:58God, I need help.
21:00It's okay.
21:01We'll try and find you some kind of a 12-step franchise anonymous program.
21:06I bet there isn't one. We could start that.
21:09Shut up.
21:15Whohooo.
21:16Huh?
21:17We got you.
21:21Go and tear.
21:23We got on.
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