Goodness Gracious Me brought iconic British-Asian comedy to TV with hilarious sketches, unforgettable characters, and sharp cultural satire 😂🔥 From “Going for an English” to legendary family moments, the show became a comedy classic that still feels ahead of its time. A true gem of British television and South Asian humor 🇬🇧🇮🇳
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FunTranscript
00:25Good gracious me!
00:30A perfect English summer's day, and nothing could be more English than a spot of penis at a new club.
00:39Yes, marvellous darling. Do adjust your shorts. The members don't want to see that.
00:47I see. Isn't that Sergita and we now?
00:53You! Sergita!
00:58Pronounced Sinjin, actually.
01:00And Vanessa?
01:02Of course, of course, of course.
01:05Well, what a nice surprise.
01:08Yes, I was just saying to Vanessa, I can't believe the Kapoor's haven't joined the new tennis club.
01:12You mean the Koopas?
01:15Of course, of course.
01:17So, Dinesh.
01:19Dennis.
01:20D-D-Dennis.
01:21I'm looking forward to getting on court and tucking away some loose balls.
01:24Oh, please.
01:26I'm sorry.
01:28I meant tennis balls then.
01:30I knew that.
01:31I knew that.
01:33So, isn't it marvellous about young Timmy Henman?
01:35Yes, marvellous, marvellous.
01:36Marvellous.
01:37Who?
01:39Jim Henman, the English tennis ace.
01:43Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:44Tim Henman, ha, ha, ha.
01:46Yes, we haven't had a world-class player like him since Vijay Amrataj retired.
01:53Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:53You mean vagina wide.
01:56Yes, that's the fellow.
02:00Shall we digress through to the reception?
02:03Digressing.
02:04Digressing.
02:06Excuse me, where do we sign in?
02:09I'm sorry, it's members only.
02:11Yes, so we'd like to join.
02:14Hence the attire.
02:15Yes, you see, I've got the racket and he's got the balls.
02:21Anyone for...
02:22Dennis.
02:28Where do we sign?
02:29Yes, I'm afraid it's not quite as simple as that.
02:32There are certain rules and regulations at this club.
02:35Glad to hear it.
02:36Well, of course, got to keep the riff-raff out it.
02:39Yes, I don't believe I'm making myself entirely clear.
02:42Um, we have a very restrictive entrance policy.
02:48Quite right.
02:49No jeans.
02:50No work overall.
02:51Sober 21's only, we understand.
02:53Come on, old chap.
02:54How much is here?
02:55Do you take burglar?
02:58I'm afraid it's not a question of money.
03:01Dear me, how can I put this?
03:03Your names would not be appropriate on our members list.
03:09I'm not sure I'm quite with you, old fruity.
03:15Well, let's take a little look at our list of members then, shall we?
03:19Here we are.
03:20Wing Commander Buffy Henderson.
03:23Mm-hmm.
03:26Brigadier Sir Bufton Tufton.
03:29Mm-hmm.
03:30No?
03:31Mr. Reginald Ponson B. Smythe.
03:35Yes.
03:37Well, you must see how your names are different.
03:41What, Dennis Cooper?
03:44What, and that's your name, is it?
03:46Yes, and this is my good friend, Assingen.
03:49Hello, how do you do?
03:50Hello.
03:51But you're both, um...
03:53Yes.
03:54Well, look, we don't allow...
03:57Look, no packies.
03:59All right.
04:00I should hate plot.
04:14Not quite.
04:15Yeah, pussycats.
04:17Yeah, it's me, Smita Smitten Showbiz Kitten.
04:20Spraying hot gossip into your faces
04:23and lighting up your dull little lives
04:25with a little splash of spangly starlight.
04:28So, guess which humble little number one
04:30confident of the rich and famous
04:32has been invited to the fabulous new premiere
04:35of the hottest new Bollywood flicking town.
04:37Yeah, me.
04:38All the stars will be glittering here tonight.
04:41Salma, Akshay, Jackie...
04:44Salma.
04:45And, here we are.
04:47Let's go in.
04:47It's showtime, pussycats.
04:54You've got...
04:56Oh, meow.
04:57You know, female jealousy follows Smita
04:59wherever she goes.
05:01You haven't got any tickets left, mate.
05:04Yes.
05:05Could it be that Salma Khan has heard
05:08that I've been stepping out with Jackie Shroff
05:10and in a fit of peak
05:11has barred Smita from the party?
05:14We've got tickets for tomorrow night
05:16if you want a book.
05:17Or you could come back.
05:21Art Malik.
05:34Well done, Casey. That was very good.
05:37Yes, very good.
05:38You're going to be a big musician when you grow up, aren't you?
05:42Right, has anybody else got a party piece they'd like to show us?
05:46Manoj has one, don't you, Bitta?
05:48Oh, ma.
05:49Come on.
05:50Come on, come on.
05:51Come on.
05:52All the grown-ups want to see, don't you?
05:53Oh, yes, yes.
05:54OK, then.
05:57Good.
05:59OK, are you ready, then?
06:00Hmm?
06:03Twelve pack of toilet rolls.
06:04£4.20, please.
06:08Twenty-mile green lights.
06:10£4.16.
06:11Oh!
06:16Hey, Rose, for the woman you love?
06:18Oh, that's a good idea.
06:21Cos I'm seeing her after I drop you off, innit?
06:27Check, please.
06:38Hello.
06:39Mr. Gotham from the Pest Control Agency.
06:42You rang earlier?
06:43Oh, yeah.
06:44Thanks for coming.
06:45God, we've got mice all over the place.
06:47Well, that's what we're here for.
06:49Oh, yeah, sorry.
06:50Come in, come in.
06:50I'll show you where the problem is.
07:01Oh, that's an unusual uniform.
07:04Uniform?
07:04Oh, actually, I'm a Buddhist.
07:08Well, I think the mice are nesting onto the cooker.
07:11Yes, that's quite normal.
07:13Well, I'll take it from here.
07:30So, what bait are you going to use?
07:33Bait?
07:34No bait.
07:36Oh, right, you use traps, yeah.
07:38Traps?
07:39I do not use.
07:40So, how are you going to kill them, then?
07:42Kill?
07:44Yeah, how are you going to get rid of them?
07:46Ah.
07:48Buddha teaches us there is more than one way to get rid of mice.
07:52We do not have to stoop to killing.
07:55Right, so what are you going to do, then?
07:57Well, I intend to make them think again about their actions.
08:03Hang on.
08:05Think again about their actions?
08:06How are you going to do that?
08:08Ah.
08:09That's the clever bit.
08:10You see, I have brought with me a small bunion tree.
08:18Under which the mice will sit in cross-legged contemplation
08:22until eventually they will reach enlightenment.
08:27Right, and that's going to stop them crapping in the bread bin, is it?
08:31They will reach Nirvana, where there are more enlightened toilet facilities for mice.
08:38Look, you just kill them, will you?
08:40I cannot kill them.
08:41But if you insist on death, I could try something.
08:45But it is an extreme measure.
08:48What is it?
08:49I could create a very oppressive political regime under your cooker.
08:53It will cause the mice to set fire to themselves, in protest.
08:59Shut up!
09:01Now, is there anyone in your firm who kills mice?
09:04Well, there's Mr Kumar.
09:05Right, and he kills mice, does he?
09:08No.
09:08But he'll make them behave so badly that they come back in their next lives as little stones.
09:15Which are much easier to catch.
09:21Right, thanks, that's great. Get out.
09:24Okay, okay, okay, okay.
09:25If you insist, I can call Mr Malik.
09:28He'll kill your mice.
09:29Oh, really?
09:30As long as you don't mind him slitting their throats and hanging them around your kitchen on little hooks.
09:35Get out!
09:44Really cool outfit.
09:46Are you coming to the 70s revival night as well?
09:49No, I just arrived from Fatiola.
09:59Hello.
10:00Would you be interested in some literature about Krishna?
10:04No, sorry.
10:05Rama?
10:05No, no, sorry.
10:07Shiva?
10:08No, sorry.
10:10Double glazing?
10:12Yeah, come in.
10:29Come on in.
10:33She walked into my office like a cool breeze on a hot night.
10:37But I wasn't about to be blown away.
10:40Mr Sati, I need your help.
10:47I gave her the once over.
10:49Nice figures.
10:50You knew how to use our assets and I mean more than just to sit on.
10:54But something just didn't add up.
10:56I think I might be in trouble.
10:59Pretty sure you are, sweetheart.
11:01No one talks to an accountant unless they have to.
11:04Can you help me or not?
11:17I cheat.
11:19That's not what I heard.
11:21The lady had style, but I'd seen it all before.
11:24She was high maintenance, all luxury expenditure, no decent savings account.
11:28I decided to double my fee.
11:3150 a day plus expenses.
11:33Tax deductible, naturally.
11:35She was surprised.
11:37Those pretty brown eyes flickered like a warning sign.
11:41Mr Sati.
11:46I don't have much money right now, but I promise if you help me, I'll find some way to repay
11:54you.
11:54Double entry.
11:55Double entry.
11:57Bookkeeping.
11:58That's all I could think about.
12:00She was good.
12:01Real good.
12:02A real tough cookie.
12:03But I wasn't about to crumble.
12:06Now, you listen to me, cousin sister.
12:09I'm an accountant, see?
12:10I get broads like you throwing themselves at me from all directions.
12:14Well, maybe they're just trying to knock you down.
12:17If you came here because you heard I was cheap, well, I hate to disappoint you, honey.
12:21But that's something we just don't have in common.
12:38Okay, lady, I'll do your accounts.
12:41I'll call you in a week, innit?
12:44You don't have to call me, Sam.
12:47You don't even have to write.
12:51Just use your little machine.
12:53To balance the books.
12:59You do know how to balance the books, don't you, Sam?
13:03You just put your lips together and blow.
13:14And she was gone.
13:16Leaving me feeling like an outdated pep.
13:19But I knew she'd be back.
13:21For tomorrow was the first day of the rest of my financial year.
13:37Hello, old boy.
13:39We'd like to join the Conservative Party.
13:47Oh, that's fantastic.
13:49The party's particularly keen to attract members of all the ethnic communities.
14:10Hello and welcome to this very special edition of MasterChef, coming to you from the bustling Indian city of Bangalore.
14:18And in the Red Kitchen today, we have renowned society lady, Rani Rao.
14:24Hello, Rani.
14:25Hi, Lloyd.
14:25How's it hanging?
14:27What will you be cooking for us today, Rani?
14:30Well, Lloyd, I'm going to be serving up baked truffled eggs, followed by a brochette of langoustine in a fennel
14:36coulee, and finishing off with a three chocolate terrine.
14:39I love that fennel coulee.
14:41That sounds delicious, Rani.
14:43It's quite a challenge for you, though, isn't it?
14:45Oh, well, I'll do my best.
14:47OK, Rani, we'll start the clock now, and let's get cooking.
14:52OK.
14:54Jaranthi!
14:56Jaldi, Jaldi.
14:57What are you doing?
14:58What are you doing?
15:03This is MasterChef.
15:04Yeah, I'm the master.
15:05This is the chef.
15:08You cook the food yourself.
15:09It's a cookery competition.
15:11You're cooking.
15:12What?
15:12Me?
15:12Yeah.
15:13Do I look like a bloody servant to you, huh?
15:14Did you chop your own ears?
15:15Well, didn't you read the rules?
15:17I've never been so studied in all my life.
15:19My father...
15:20Yeah.
15:22Do I look like a bloody servant to you, huh?
15:25Oh, God, Doctor.
15:27Do you realise what you've done?
15:29This is the greatest day in the history of medicine.
15:32You've created an antibody that kills cancer cells.
15:36Come on, we've got to test it.
15:39Kill them, you say?
15:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:42You mustn't kill them.
15:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:51Don't worry, we'll cope, we'll be fine
15:54But our little girl is all grown up and married and gone away
16:03Our last child is married
16:06Gone away to start anew
16:10The house feels so empty
16:14What can we do?
16:20Well, we could chase each other around the living room
16:24You could fight my bottom with a great big broom
16:26Wear each other's juggies like they were crowns
16:29The things you can do when the kids ain't around
16:30We could dance in the rain like Bollywood stars
16:33Do it on the bonnet of a Datsun car
16:35Sit on the washing machine and really feel weird
16:37The things you can do when the kids ain't here
16:39No!
16:42Or we could just talk
16:45To each other
16:47Visit a mossy or two
16:51A walk
16:54By the river
16:56A dine at the Ritz T for two
17:06Or we could roll around in gi play
17:09Hide the kebab
17:10I'll be your punk koala
17:11You could be your men's up
17:12Wear your red tops, bed socks, maternity gowns
17:15The things you can do when the kids ain't around
17:16I could swing from the lime shade in my Batman cape
17:19Smoke the kids dope and hallucinate
17:21Leisure coaster under the duvet
17:23The things you can do when the kids are away
17:37We could just read
17:40To each other
17:43Share a moment
17:47Me and you
17:49Cook
17:50For your mother
17:54Attend
17:55Some cultural
17:56Do
18:00Or
18:01Yes
18:01We
18:02I know
18:03Could
18:04Watch naughty moves on satellite
18:06Build an extension
18:08In the moonlight
18:09Ring the praises
18:10To make apple sounds
18:11What you could do
18:12Without Bunchy around
18:13We could take up our clothes
18:14And cook in the news
18:15Cover each other in lots of food
18:17For nine and a half weeks
18:19We'd be in the mood
18:20Oh, when most people are married off
18:21Most people, they cry
18:23Oh, but this is the happiest day
18:26Of my life
18:28Oh, all the things
18:30That we
18:31Can
18:32Do
18:40It's appalling
18:41Women aren't all that pressure
18:43To be thin
18:44To do their hair
18:46To have their right nose
18:47And that
18:47Oh, absolutely
18:48I agree
18:49That's what's so great about you
18:50You make no effort at all
18:54Okay, please
18:58This is it, man
18:59Euro store
19:00Yeah, man
19:01Just think
19:01In three hours
19:02We'll be in Paris, man
19:03Three hours
19:04Yeah, man
19:04It is the future of travel
19:06In a trans-European style, innit?
19:07Yeah, yeah, yeah
19:08It's like
19:09It's like
19:09Like a fusion, man
19:12Between England and France
19:13And the whole of Europe, man
19:15Just think of all the places
19:16You can get to now
19:16With the utmost
19:17Massive convenience, innit?
19:19Paris
19:20Brussels
19:21Paris
19:23Anywhere in Europe, man
19:25Turkey
19:25Poland
19:26Netherlands
19:28Disneyland
19:30Hold on, man
19:32Turkey's an Asian, man
19:34No, man
19:34You're thinking of Bangladesh, innit?
19:36Oh, man
19:37How fast do you think we're going?
19:39Euro star top speed
19:39Three hundred
19:40Void koppies per hour, man
19:41Whoa
19:42That don't mean nothing to me, man
19:44What's that in miles?
19:46The rating to miles
19:47That is
19:47Nine hundred
19:48You times by four
19:49Take away three, innit?
19:50I'll get used to this
19:52Conversion, man
19:53You've got to get into it, man
19:54Too many Euro cats
19:55Will be ruling all over us
19:56The traditional way of British life
19:57Will be changed forever
19:58By the Euro
19:59Changes, innit?
20:00What?
20:01All of it?
20:01Totally, man
20:02Even our music
20:03They'll be the first to go
20:04What?
20:05You mean like a
20:06Yeah, yeah, yeah
20:07No more techno-bunner disco fever, innit?
20:09No way, man
20:10All traditional British activities will be banned
20:13Oh, no more chilling out outside the temple
20:15Checking out the
20:17No more stealing paquardas at Diwali parties
20:20All paquardas will be banned
20:21Unless approved Euro weight
20:22You're a taste
20:23Man, you know what they put in paquardas in Europe
20:25Drops legs
20:27Sack out
20:28Spaghetti
20:28Mate, we don't want to be European, man
20:30We've got to protect our traditional British way of life, innit
20:32Yeah, let's get off the train, man
20:34Yeah
20:35This is the Northern Line Service
20:38Man, I told you that the terminal wasn't in Tooting Beck
20:48Okay, okay, people
20:49Listen up, listen up, listen up
20:51Before we start the meeting, yeah
20:53I'd like to introduce you to Deb
20:54And he is joining the team as our new Features Man
20:57Woo!
20:58Okay
20:59Deb, as the editor, I'd like to welcome you to British Asian Man's Quarterly
21:03Which, of course, is the premier style magazine for Asian men
21:06Woo!
21:07Woo!
21:07Woo!
21:08Woo!
21:09Okay, let's get on with it
21:10Anil, what's new in health and fitness this month?
21:13Well, JJ, we're running a piece on body toning
21:15Yeah
21:15This season, we're seeing a return to a classic Asian look
21:18A huge beer gut with real spindly legs
21:23Okay, right
21:24Food
21:25Well, I've done a series of easy-to-prepare meals
21:28To fit in with our readers' modern-day lifestyle
21:30Including a new one
21:32Lager and samosa butties
21:34Oh!
21:35Nice one!
21:36And the great thing is
21:38They're printed on perforated cards
21:40So the reader can tear them out and collect them
21:42Yes!
21:45What do you mean?
21:47To give to their wives
21:48Oh!
21:50Okay, Sonia
21:52Love and sex
21:54What have we got?
21:55Well, JJ, we've got some really exciting stuff this month, yeah
21:59I'm starting off with a piece called
22:01What women want
22:02What they really, really want
22:04And how not to give it to them
22:05Oh, right
22:06Yeah, yeah, yeah
22:07And let's get it by
22:08Spice up your marriage
22:10Sleep with your wife
22:11Oh, right
22:12And finally, I've got
22:14Sex after pregnancy
22:16Why bother?
22:19And we're also starting a series of handy tips
22:21On how to attract the perfect partner
22:22Which are printed on perforated cards
22:24Which the reader can tear out and collect
22:26Woof, woof, woof, woof
22:29What do you mean?
22:31To give to their mothers
22:32Oh, duh
22:36Okay, okay, okay
22:37Dev, here's your big chance, sweetie
22:40What are you going to bring to the party?
22:42Well, to be quite honest, JJ
22:44I'm a little bit disappointed with what I've been hearing
22:45Sorry?
22:47Well, you know
22:47I thought this was a progressive, forward-thinking journal
22:50Dealing with real issues for the new Asian man
22:52All I've heard so far is reactionary dribble
22:55Right, sorry you feel that way, Dev
22:57Well, I've written a pretty in-your-face article
23:00About having a pregnant white girlfriend
23:01In the Asian community
23:02Which I think under-
23:05Not sure I'm quite with you on that one, Dev
23:09You know
23:10Quickest way to change your phone number
23:12How to beat the DNA test
23:14Cheekest flight to India
23:15Oh, my God
23:20Oh, my God
23:27Oh, my God
23:29Oh, my God
23:30Oh, my God
23:39Oh, my God
23:40Oh, my God
23:41Oh, my God
23:43Oh, my God
23:43Oh, my God
23:43Oh, my God
23:44Oh, my God
23:55Check, please.
24:05Hello?
24:07Eh?
24:08Hello?
24:11Hello.
24:12I do hope I'm not intruding on your simple rural rituals.
24:17It's just that, see, I'm visiting from England,
24:20and I wanted to see something, you know, authentic.
24:24Oh, please, come in, Mrs. Rose.
24:27Call me Rose.
24:29Oh, my goodness.
24:31This is absolutely perfect.
24:33What is it that you do in England, Rose?
24:37I'm an artefacts buyer for a chain of stores.
24:41Oh!
24:42I know you wouldn't understand such decadent Western practices.
24:47You're more connected with the flow of the seasons,
24:50the pull of the earth and the ripening of the crops.
24:53But that's what I do.
24:55That's my coma, I suppose.
24:58Corma!
25:00I must say, what's that over there?
25:03Oh, what, that rusty old bale you made?
25:06That was my great-grandmother's birthing bucket.
25:12Three generations of downtrodden dung handlers have squatted over its rim.
25:17Lisa, over here, because we like looking at it and crying.
25:24Lonely, isn't it?
25:26Oh, it's amazing.
25:28I mean, you could really appreciate it.
25:31It was mounted on a plinth with subtle backlighting.
25:34Don't you think?
25:36Oh, I've lost you, haven't I?
25:39I do apologise.
25:41I'm sorry.
25:42May I sit down?
25:44Oh, no, please.
25:45Not on my maternal uncle's press-it.
25:48I don't realise I thought it was a ditch, yeah?
25:52I suppose you'll be telling us
25:55that this is a Formica coffee table with a leg missing.
26:00Well...
26:00It is a 200-year-old bullock slide.
26:05You see?
26:06The bullock climbs up here
26:07and slides through the middle of the gap there.
26:11You must think I'm stupid.
26:14But when you think...
26:16I am so stupid
26:18not to have seen
26:19how precious these things are to you.
26:22I mean, this whole house tells a story.
26:25That thing on the wall over there
26:27that, to my Western eyes,
26:29looks like a can opener.
26:31It's...
26:31An authentic turban winder.
26:35The pattern bed spread over here.
26:37Traditional Hessian covering
26:39woven by blind Punjabi widows.
26:41Wait, some, Ilia.
26:43Yes.
26:43It is amazing how our ancient gods
26:45look so much like
26:46the Power Rangers.
26:50I know this is presumptuous of me,
26:52but this whole house
26:54is a monument to authentic India
26:56and...
26:57Well, I could offer you
26:58a sizable amount of...
27:00Oh, no.
27:01You'd never sell your heritage.
27:02What am I thinking?
27:04How much?
27:05£2,000?
27:07Oh, let me help you
27:08load your Land Rover.
27:10And don't forget me.
27:12But are those cowpats...
27:14Coasters!
27:17Authentic.
27:18Oh, now they're used to be
27:21a seed.
27:55The family has decided that Don Messini should be sleeping with the fishes.
28:00We brought you in to make the hit, Mr. G, because you're the best button man in the business.
28:06We want him rubbed out clean, bada-bing, capisce, you understand?
28:10Uh-huh.
28:12Except we want it done out in the public so that everybody can see what happens to a guy who
28:16dishonors the family.
28:17So tell us, are you going to kill him?
28:20Kill?
28:22No, no, no, no, no, no.
28:24You're killing him.
28:28Goodness gracious me!
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