00:02Yeah, in the off season, I did a movie, you know, they're trying to block it, you know,
00:05but, uh, y'all want to see the trailer, these chumps are trying to stop me from, you know,
00:09doing my thing, but check this out.
00:14This summer, Creepy Town Pictures presents the sequel to one of America's most beloved
00:19family movies.
00:20It's Daddy Day Care 2, starring Charlie Murphy.
00:25Y'all like stories?
00:26Story time.
00:28The name of the story is, Whip a Nigger's Ass Like He Stole Something.
00:34I was in L.A.
00:36This guy named Simon, it was kind of like a male groupie, a flunky, whatever.
00:40He used to always hang around the house, and, uh, he came over and he was there,
00:43and I got dressed and everything, it was no big deal, until I got to the part where,
00:48you know, I put my jewelry on, I was like, Dad, where's my watch at?
00:51Soon as I said, where's my watch at, my brother came out and said,
00:55Simon stole your watch.
00:57Now, I'm mad as a motherfucker because my watch is stolen, right?
01:01And my brother made matters worse by teasing me.
01:04You know, he just kept on taking Stevie Wonder songs and changing the words around to where
01:10they had some type of reference to a stolen watch, like, I just called to say I love you,
01:16your watch is gone.
01:18He actually was hitting me on it, like, how many years is it going to take you to save
01:22up your money to buy a new watch?
01:24And when I tried to think about it, I went fucking crazy.
01:29Wait till you see what Charlie does next.
01:32Higher!
01:33Higher?
01:34Higher!
01:35Even higher than this?
01:37Yes.
01:38You asked for it!
01:39Whoa!
01:46I'm into Charlie Muffin!
01:49I ain't the type of motherfucker that called 5-0.
01:51I ain't no bitch-ass nigga.
01:52I don't get on the phone to call 5-0 or call a lawyer up to when I'm going to
01:56get a lawsuit.
01:56I'm going to bust your ass myself.
01:59Because you did it to me, right?
02:00You didn't do it to them.
02:01I don't need them to protect me.
02:03Remember, because you need to practice this when you get older.
02:06Snuff a motherfucker.
02:07Fuck telling them I'm going to take them outside.
02:10You snuff them!
02:12And there's more where that came from.
02:15So how'd you do?
02:17I missed.
02:18What do you mean you missed?
02:25Hell no!
02:26Hell no!
02:28Who the fuck gave y'all peanuts?
02:31Charlie Murphy and a Jeff Garland look-alike in Daddy Day Care 2.
02:35If you steal something from me, I'm coming to you personally and take it back.
02:41With little interest.
02:43Like a piece of your ass.
02:45Coming this July 18th.
02:49You ever notice when politicians talk, whether they're smart or not, if they do like a certain
02:54cadence in their voice, you believe them.
02:57You, the American people, need to understand.
03:00We are at war.
03:03And Dave thought that was funny.
03:06And check out this sketch as he breaks down the presidential cadence.
03:09Listen, watch, laugh.
03:21Ladies and gentlemen of Star Cups Coffee, may I have your attention, please?
03:26You are looking at a man in a hurry.
03:31For the last year, although I possessed the fame of 1,000 men, I have stood amongst you and
03:39patiently waited my turn.
03:41For I realize that my need for coffee is no greater nor no less than any of yours.
03:50Whether you be Jew or Gentile.
03:54I'm actually Jewish.
03:56Or Jewish.
03:57Black or white.
04:00You white, right?
04:02Yeah.
04:03I am tired today.
04:06I am tired of racism.
04:08That's what I'm talking about.
04:09I am tired of sexism.
04:12I am tired of all the isms that plague our society, except Badooism.
04:18I like that record.
04:20Me too.
04:21I am tired of corporate meetings on the nature of humor.
04:25And I am tired of philosophical debates on the harms of the word nigger.
04:30I agree with that, sir.
04:32Because today, ladies and gentlemen, all a nigger wants is a cup of coffee.
04:38You said it, man.
04:39May I cook the land?
04:40Yeah.
04:41No, let that nigger get some coffee.
04:43Go get him, man.
04:44Face him out.
04:45Face him out.
04:47Thank you all.
04:49God bless this coffee shop.
04:51God bless America.
04:53Ah!
04:53Woo!
04:54Woo!
04:55Woo!
04:56Woo!
04:57Woo!
05:00Woo!
05:00Woo!
05:02Woo!
05:02Woo!
05:03Woo!
05:04Woo!
05:05Woo!
05:07Would you like a lap dance?
05:09I promise it'll put your dick on swine.
05:15Mm.
05:17Excuse me.
05:20Ladies and gentlemen of Night Shades, may I have your attention, please.
05:25Just one moment ago, Lexus here offered me the opportunity for a lap dance.
05:30She even made the claim that it would, quote,
05:34put my penis on swole.
05:37Too often these strippers get away with making wild assertions
05:41that prove to be patently false and beyond reproach.
05:46Why, there was once a stripper in Scottsdale by the name of Showcase
05:50who told me that her lap dance would make me forget my girlfriend.
05:56Another stripper in Tampa by the name of Crevice once told me
06:00that if I did not have an orgasm during her lap dance,
06:04that I was gay.
06:08Neither of these accusations proved to be true.
06:12The truth of the matter is this.
06:15The best lap dance that I have ever had was at a house party
06:20in East St. Louis from a woman whose name I did not catch.
06:24I remember she was a schoolteacher.
06:26I remember I was sitting on a pile of laundry.
06:30I remember her young son was peeking through the door through a little crack
06:35while she gyrated on my penis to an entire Jodeci album.
06:40That's right.
06:41And I also remember this detail, ladies and gentlemen.
06:46That lap dance was free!
06:52So I say to you, Lexus, I say to you, Portia, I say to you, Suzuki,
06:59if only for one night, let me have a lap dance for free!
07:11And I want the freedom to touch!
07:25You've got to stop touching the strippers.
07:29Doctor, these strippers gave me a free lap dance and let me touch
07:34just for talking like this.
07:38Really?
07:40Lydia, cancel my appointments for the afternoon.
07:46Get me $300 in singles.
07:50We're going to Nightshades!
07:56We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor.
07:59Hello!
08:02It's Sharon!
08:04Oh!
08:05What's the problem with your baby girl?
08:08Lamar!
08:11I'm pregnant!
08:14Oh!
08:16Well, Pam, knew that rub was broke.
08:21This pussy got to feeling so good, and so smooth.
08:26I gotta go.
08:27No, I need to talk to you!
08:29I really can't talk right now.
08:30Wait a minute, motherfucker.
08:34My dreams.
08:36Click.
08:41Ring, ring, ring, ring.
08:44Hello?
08:46Heard somebody page my phone.
08:48Oh, what's up, man?
08:50That was me.
08:51I was hoping that I could get a bag of marijuana.
08:56Nigga don't say that shit on my phone.
08:58But just how much do you want?
09:01I was hoping for a quarter of weed.
09:08That'll cost you $100.
09:10I got the money.
09:12Just bring it back,
09:13because my girl is giving me problems,
09:16and I need to smoke.
09:18I'll be there round five.
09:21All right, great.
09:22Peace.
09:23Peace.
09:24Holla at your boy.
09:31Eee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
09:50But Dave figured out a way to flip it.
09:52He was gonna do a courtroom trial.
09:54He was gonna play Vincent Price on the stand
09:57and narrate it like the same way that Vincent Price did it
10:00in the original Thriller video.
10:02Dave never got to play Vincent Price,
10:05but there's so much funny elements,
10:07there's so much bits and pieces of this sketch
10:09that we had to put it on the DVD.
10:11It's funny as hell.
10:13It's about to pop off in this bitch's side.
10:50Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.
10:55And how do you rule?
10:57Your Honor, we find the defendant, Michael Jackson,
11:00not guilty.
11:23It's not guilty.
11:30This white guy was keeping McDonald's for like a month and he gained all his weight.
11:35We don't have to worry about that, because we're eating healthy pizza.
11:38But Dave had an idea what if that was black, and this is what happened.
11:42Ever wonder what would happen if a black dude ate nothing but fast food for 30 days?
11:47Pilot Boy Productions presents Maximize Me.
11:50Shit!
11:52Listen, I have to advise you against doing this.
11:55If you do this movie and let these people buy you food for a month, you may die.
12:00I live in the hood. I could die every day.
12:03I might die walking across the street.
12:05I seen a nigga die at a yard sale right by JCPenney's.
12:08What are you talking about?
12:09I seen a guy stick a firecracker up a cat's butt and lit that shit on fire.
12:13It was wild in the hood, nigga.
12:16I give this movie permission to kill me. Cookies, pies, cakes, anything you can.
12:22Any kind of food you want to kill me with, nigga, bring it on.
12:25May I have two half pounders with cheese?
12:29That's the god.
12:32Julia! I need a bigger fork!
12:37Julia!
12:38What?
12:39I need more ketchup.
12:40Ain't no more ketchup.
12:44What the fuck is this?
12:46Ketchup, baby!
12:47This ain't no game, girl. Where my cherry pie?
12:49I gave you your cherry pie, fat bastard.
12:52All right, I got it. Thank you.
12:54You see what I say.
12:57Bitch thinks you're cute.
12:59I know I'm cute.
13:00What?
13:01I made it.
13:02I had a boogie woogie day and night.
13:04About to make a play.
13:06You've got to find a better way.
13:08You've got to do-ba, do-ba, do-ba, do-ba, do-ba.
13:11Oodoo.
13:12Oodoo.
13:14Oodoo.
13:14Oodoo.
13:16Hey!
13:25Shit.
13:26I threw up.
13:28Goddamn.
13:29If you do this movie and let these people buy you food for a month, you may die.
13:37I don't feel so good.
13:39Time out.
13:42Oodoo.
13:46Oodoo.
13:47Oodoo.
13:48My chest is...
13:49Oodoo.
13:55Oodoo.
13:57Oodoo.
13:59Oodoo.
14:01Oodoo.
14:07Oodoo.
14:19You won't believe what happens
14:24when Earl goes from candied yams
14:26and black-eyed peas
14:27to quarter-pound hamburgers
14:29with extra cheese.
14:34Amazing.
14:35I've never seen anyone
14:37go through such a transformation
14:39in 30 days.
14:40But hey, what can I say?
14:42All your vitals or signs
14:44are fantastic.
14:46They're good, huh?
14:48Your receptionist didn't even recognize me.
14:50She thought I was that name from TV.
14:52The skinny one.
14:53Who?
14:54Dave Chappelle.
14:55Listen to this.
14:56Hey, everybody.
14:57I'm a skinny motherfucker
14:58that wears hats.
14:59I look like JJ from Good Times.
15:02Dino-mate!
15:05What a difference a month makes.
15:08I got dog titties, don't I?
15:10I don't know.
15:10We did.
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