Goodness Gracious Me brought iconic British-Asian comedy to TV with hilarious sketches, unforgettable characters, and sharp cultural satire 😂🔥 From “Going for an English” to legendary family moments, the show became a comedy classic that still feels ahead of its time. A true gem of British television and South Asian humor 🇬🇧🇮🇳
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FunTranscript
00:25Goodness gracious me!
00:38Oh, no, no, no. Not another one of these set-ups. You know I'm not interested in an arranged marriage.
00:44Yes, yes, yes. Shut up a minute. We know how you feel about these things.
00:48Ah, that's right. We've taken your view into consideration. We're not going to force you into anything.
00:52So who's in the living room?
00:53All we ask for is compromise, huh? For you to have a little respect for the traditional ways.
00:59OK, fair enough.
01:01So then, if you won't have an arranged marriage, at least consider an arranged shag.
01:09Pardon?
01:10Yes? We've put an ad word in the paper. Professional Hindu Punjabi boys seek suitable girl for no-strings-attached
01:17bunk-up.
01:20We've had a lot of responses. But we think this girl is the easiest.
01:24We've met her family. You know they are very nice people.
01:27And they're quite happy for you to violate their daughter at will.
01:30Go, go in. Talk to her. Get to know her a little.
01:35Although that's not really necessary, but then.
01:38I can't do this.
01:40No.
01:42No, you can't.
01:43You have no respect for the traditional ways.
01:47Now you've upset your mother.
01:49She's just trying to do her duty. We just want to see you happy.
01:52That's right. And who knows more about your sexuality than your own mother?
01:56Look, I can't sleep with someone I don't even know.
01:58Oh, for?
02:00Once you've slept with her, you can get to know her.
02:04Of course.
02:05Now, go and hump.
02:08Get up. If you don't like this girl, don't worry, huh?
02:11We've got a list of very loose women who will see you all right, huh?
02:14And after all, what is 30 seconds of your life?
02:16Get down.
02:16No, no, no, no.
02:17Wait a minute.
02:18You think your Western ways are so perfect, huh?
02:21I know plenty of people whose love shags have ended in disaster.
02:24It's not always orgasm after orgasm, you know.
02:27But what happens if I don't find her attractive?
02:29Did you ever stop to think about that?
02:31Betta, attraction is a very, very complex thing, huh?
02:34There are many different ways in which people can be attracted to each other.
02:38When your father and I were first introduced,
02:41well, there was really no attraction at all.
02:44But then your grandfather gave me some invaluable advice.
02:47What?
02:48He said, my child, what profit is there in looking at the mantelpiece
02:52while you're stoking the fire?
02:55And why bother waking up when you can't even feel the poker?
03:03Good luck, darling.
03:05Do it properly.
03:05Don't forget foreplay.
03:07Dabke, dabke.
03:13Dabke, dabke.
03:18Take care, babe.
03:25Dabke at that moment.
03:30Dabke, dabke.
03:36Dabke, dabke.
03:40Dabke, dabke.
03:48Time goes by
03:54So slow
03:56And you so much
04:03On you
04:07I'm still mine
04:17I'm in your love
04:26I'm in your love
04:29I'm in my street
04:32Your love
04:33To me
04:42Oh, my love
04:47I'm in my love
04:52I'm hungry
04:53I'm hungry
04:57Oh, my love
04:59Oh, my love
05:02Oh, my time
05:07And I'm the one
05:18So anyway, I'm absolutely delighted to be here.
05:21We're going to throw it over now to questions
05:23And fire at us with anything you want.
05:26So many thanks indeed.
05:28Yes, sir.
05:29Oh, thank you.
05:31Just one quick one.
05:31Prime Minister,
05:33have you met my daughter?
05:35I'm not taking her to Prime Minister.
05:37Don't be shy.
05:38I brought her along because she wants to be Prime Minister as well.
05:41I don't want to be Prime Minister.
05:42Just be quiet.
05:43Your father is talking to Prime Minister.
05:50I love these old Cliff Richard films.
05:53Of course you love Cliff Richard.
05:55Because he's Indian.
05:56Cliff?
05:57Cliff is Indian?
05:58Of course.
05:59Born in India, so Indian.
06:01Came from Lucknow.
06:02Also his backing group.
06:04They weren't Indian.
06:05Array.
06:06Why do you think they were called the Shadows?
06:09I'm not getting into this.
06:10Let's see what's on the other channel.
06:14Here we go.
06:15Gone with the wind.
06:16And before you start,
06:17I know that Vivian Lee was born in India, okay?
06:20Yeah, Vivian Lee.
06:21The fellow in this film.
06:22Keenamada.
06:23Clark Gable.
06:23Indian.
06:24No!
06:25Better think.
06:26Look.
06:27Look at his moustache.
06:29Go to India.
06:29Everybody's got them.
06:30Even the little children.
06:31Oh, there you go.
06:32All the great actors were Indian.
06:34Cagney, Indian.
06:35Bogie, Indian.
06:37Laurence of Olivier.
06:39This is ridiculous.
06:40Oh, it's obvious, yaar.
06:41You know, like he said in that Richard III,
06:43now is the winter of our discontent?
06:45Winter.
06:46Vah.
06:46Like Indians pronounce.
06:47Vah.
06:48And don't forget who wrote Richard III.
06:50Oh, don't tell me Shakespeare was Indian.
06:53It's the Pope Punjabi.
06:55That's enough.
06:58Let's see what's on Channel 5.
07:02Here we go.
07:04Apache Indian.
07:05Now he is Indian.
07:07He's not Indian, Buddha.
07:10He's from Dudley.
07:13He's from Dudley.
07:14He's from Dudley.
07:14He's from Dudley.
07:16He's from Dudley.
07:17Attention, Asian house hunters everywhere.
07:21Before you buy your new house, why not come and look at a Bharat home?
07:26Bharat homes are designed especially for Asian homeowners.
07:29Take a look at these features.
07:31Each living room has at least two nests of tables, complete with multi-compartment snack
07:38trays.
07:40All sofas are finished with beautiful non-removable plastic covers, as are the TV and video remote
07:47controls.
07:48And the dining table is pre-set with all the roll-up raffia placemats you'll ever need.
07:56Notice how the carriage clock does not quite fit in.
07:59The hallway is elegantly carpeted in the sumptuous plastic matting.
08:05The perfect match for these stylish, yet practical, two-tone plastic strip doorway curtains.
08:13The fridges are pre-crammed with all manner of Tupperware.
08:18All bedrooms have wardrobes with a set of very old suitcases on top and the gardens.
08:28Yes, completely concrete is over.
08:33So don't delay.
08:35Order your bar at home today.
08:37Today.
08:44I say, Shashi, Veena and Sergita are here.
08:48It's not Shashi, it's Charlotte.
08:50And for God's sake, get their names right.
08:52Okay, okay, okay.
08:52Calm down.
08:53I know what I am doing.
08:57Sergita!
09:08So nice of you to invite us.
09:11So nice of you to come.
09:12Oh, well, we wouldn't miss the Kupur's barbecue for the vine.
09:16I say, pronounced Kupur.
09:19Of course.
09:24What perfect weather you've chosen for a barbecue.
09:26It's simply marvellous.
09:28If anything, it's a little too hot, wouldn't you say, Dennis?
09:32Well, I believe that mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
09:36And after all, my husband is an Englishman.
09:39Which must make you the mad...
09:41Another jug of pimps, darling.
09:43Okay, see you out there, mister.
09:46Dennis, could we...
09:47Dennis?
09:48De...
09:49Dennis?
09:50So sorry, old chappy.
09:52Just keeping an eye out for that mad dog you mentioned.
09:56Sounds a bit dangerous, what?
09:58There is no mad dog, Dennis.
10:01It is a line from a song by Noelle Coward.
10:03Oh, I knew that.
10:05I knew that.
10:06Bubba's all round, eh?
10:08Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
10:13So, where is that son of yours, Subhash?
10:16You mean...
10:16I mean, Sebastian.
10:19Yes, I take it that he's turning up to his own homecoming party.
10:24I say, here he is.
10:26I say, Sebastian.
10:28Come and say hello, eh?
10:29Hi, hi.
10:30It's all colourful.
10:31Hello, Uncle Sirgit, Auntie Vina.
10:33Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:35Sinjin and Vanessa, you little...
10:37So, how is Master Cooper these days?
10:41It's pronounced Kapoor, right?
10:43Oh!
10:46Wag.
10:47So, I hear you've been travelling all around India.
10:53Subhashabas, hmm?
10:54Yeah, I wanted to get back to my roots.
10:56We are Indian, after all.
11:00Why don't you go and have a lie down, Sebastian?
11:03You're obviously jet-lagged.
11:04Look, there's nothing wrong with being Indian.
11:07Have I mentioned the weather all to be?
11:10For God's sake, we're Indian.
11:12We're the Kapoors.
11:14You're the Robin-donuts.
11:15Robinsons!
11:16Oh, please.
11:17Darling, you see, you were born here, brought up here.
11:20We sent you to a bloody expensive public school.
11:23We both thought you were the perfect English gentleman.
11:26Well, I'm not English.
11:28You're sub-bacquase.
11:30And you can be fancy, a game of croquet, ball,
11:34the morris-ing dancing.
11:35I mean, you're not fooling anyone.
11:37You're serving Pimms with courgettes in it.
11:40You haven't even lit the charcoal.
11:42All that meat is completely raw.
11:46Shall we evacuate to your lauatorial conveniences?
11:51Evacuating?
11:52Evacuating!
11:55So, as you can see,
11:57after two hours of reflux of four atmospheres,
11:59the molecular structure is completely broken down
12:02and reconfigured itself into a new polymer,
12:05exactly mimicking the actions of human serotonin.
12:09Hmm.
12:10I could make it at home in ten minutes.
12:14Hmm.
12:16Excuse me.
12:18Um, sorry.
12:19Do you know the way to ask your road?
12:21You want directions?
12:22I can give you directions.
12:23Great.
12:28So?
12:30You don't worry.
12:31You don't worry.
12:32I take care of everything.
12:34I have got a map, if it helps.
12:36Ah, give me, give me.
12:37Thanks.
12:37Hmm.
12:39Hmm.
12:45What?
12:46That just, Richard.
12:47But that was my life.
12:48That was my life.
12:48That was my life.
12:48That was my life.
12:49You don't worry.
12:49I said it was my life.
12:50Don't it.
12:50Don't insult me.
12:51Listen, you just don't.
12:52Don't worry.
12:53I take care of everything.
12:58As the crowd celebrates 50 years of independence here in Delhi,
13:02we at BBC India have managed to get an exclusive interview
13:06with both premiers of India and Pakistan.
13:10Mr. Gurjirav, Mr. Sharif, thank you for joining us.
13:14And as the whole world joins us live by satellite link-up,
13:18there is one question I have to ask you both on this historic occasion.
13:23Have you met my daughter?
13:27Ask them something.
13:29But I don't want to be a third world leader.
13:31It's my Bojilu.
13:32She's my Bojilu, Bojilu, honey.
13:40Skipinda, Skipinda.
13:57Let's get back get pissed and get laid I'm not drunk he's on the Jack Daniels what do you expect
14:21I told him I was gonna stick that Jack Daniels bottle up his fat fluffy ass
14:28That sounds pretty strong language Skip better not let daddy talking like that come on I'll wash your back
14:35Babes and boos to the right turn right
14:39Ha! Bold you!
14:41You dummy, my boy
14:44Why it's three more bar tabs, why it's three more bar tabs, why it's twenty!
14:50You road hogs, hope you crash upside down
14:58Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, you nearly squished my uncle you stupid billet
15:03Good, of course that dummy kid, now for the vodka
15:08Alright mate, woah, there's a bit of a mess isn't it?
15:12What do you think?
15:13Come on mate, where's the booze? Must be around here somewhere
15:16Okay fine, be like that, come here
15:20There's dirt in your eye
15:22Now what are you gonna do now Charles Atlas?
15:28Go and get help
15:28It'd take me an hour
15:30Skippy can do it in a few minutes
15:32Skippinda to you?
15:35Ow! What are you nuts?
15:37That bloody hurts
15:38Go on Skip, find Dad
15:41Yeah you could have told me that instead of sticking a big splinter in my teeth
15:45I'm not heading back there
15:47Nearest off license, that's my game
15:48I've got to sink a couple of jars
15:50And I'm gonna twat that kid over there with the biggest dick I could find
15:54What's that?
15:58Oh, bollocks
16:01Skippy?
16:02No, Henry Kissinger
16:03No, no, no, no, no Skip
16:05Your son stabbed me, look at that
16:09Gently, gently
16:13Yeah, stupid isn't it? I couldn't understand it neither
16:21I really love you man, you're my best friend
16:23Don't drop me
16:26Look out Dad
16:27I could fly
16:30Super rude
16:31Good on you Skip
16:32Now push the hook
16:34Which one of these, two of them here
16:36I'll take this one, concentrate, concentrate
16:38Think of the glory and the blondes
16:44Friends, Romans, countrymen
16:46Lend me your beers
16:47Did you get it?
16:49Oh, you miserable kid
17:11This temple is massive man, massive
17:15It is fierce man
17:17It makes you think innit?
17:19It makes you think innit?
17:20It makes you think like
17:21What we doing here
17:22Yeah
17:24Well that is like the eternal question man
17:26What are we doing here on this earth innit?
17:29No, no, no man
17:30I mean like
17:30What we doing here
17:33It's Diwali innit?
17:34What do you mean exactly man?
17:36Diwali man, the festival
17:38Do you know what a festival is?
17:39Kiss my chuggies man
17:40Ain't no fool
17:43Is it like Glastonbury?
17:46Yeah
17:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
17:48Bit like Glastonbury right
17:49But instead of bands
17:50You get gods
17:51Whoa
17:52Festival with gods
17:54That's why we're here
17:56Man that's why we're here
17:57But that ain't why we're here
17:59Like on the earth
17:59What it's all about
18:00On a religion tip
18:01Know what I mean?
18:02No man
18:03Listen up while I educate you
18:05Our religion right
18:06Is about
18:07The wheel of life
18:08The eternal cycle
18:10You're born
18:11You live
18:12You die
18:13You're reincarnated
18:15And you start again
18:17Whoa
18:19No man
18:20Reincarnation man
18:21It's like
18:22Being re-released
18:23In a new format
18:25I know where you're coming from
18:27Say I'm like
18:28A 12 inch jungle track
18:30Yeah
18:30On vinyl right
18:31Spinning on the eternal wheels of steel
18:33Yeah, yeah, yeah
18:34Then the gods right
18:35They check your mix
18:36And if they find it holy and massive right
18:38They re-release you as the
18:39CD
18:42What happens if they don't like jungle man?
18:45Man then you come back
18:46As a Peter Andre tape in a car boot
18:48Selling for its game
18:50What happens then?
18:52Right then the wheel right goes round
18:53And round and round
18:54Until you've got like
18:55The totally perfect mix
18:56The ultimate groove
18:57And then you reach the highest
18:58Most massive level of enlightenment
19:01CD room
19:02Room
19:03Room
19:04Room
19:04Room
19:04That's deep man
19:05It is the answer to the eternal question of why we are here man
19:08No man
19:09Of course it is man
19:10Now I don't understand why I'm here
19:13Why not?
19:14Because I'm Muslim
19:28I've got a surprise for you
19:30Oh yeah?
19:34Oh my God
19:35Barbados
19:36But that's so expensive
19:38I don't care
19:39Just you and me and the honeymoon suite
19:41Drinking cocktails
19:43Going down to the beach
19:44Going down to the beach
19:45And swimming
19:46And making love
19:47Underneath the stars
19:50Love
19:52I can make it at home for nothing
19:53All I need is a small aubergine
19:57All I need is a small aubergine
20:04Indian
20:06Indian
20:07Indian
20:14Thank you ladies and gentlemen
20:17May I say how honoured I am to be at this world symposium for the mutual understanding of transcendental collective
20:23consciousness
20:23This thing
20:25May I also say what a deeply penetrating pleasure it is to be able to pass off on my divine
20:33knowledge to you spiritually flatulent westerners
20:39Now as you may know Hinduism is a fascinating network of philosophies, legends and nice tunes
20:49All enmeshed by gurus such as myself
20:53You're welcome
20:55I will now take the first question
20:56Uh, Guruji, could you tell us about the elephant god Ganesh?
21:03Yeah, right
21:06Okay
21:06Well, this is a wonderful story
21:10Magical and uplifting
21:13I will translate from the original Sanskrit
21:19Maratha a prantha
21:22Or a can of Fanta
21:27You see, uh
21:29He had a trunk like an elephant
21:34Ears, same, like an elephant
21:37Ears
21:37Ears were very big
21:38You see
21:39Because he was a god
21:40You see
21:40And all the other elephants
21:42Gods
21:42Used to laugh at him
21:44And there was a little mouse that lived in his hand
21:47Right
21:47With a magic pheasant
21:49Awww
21:49Like that
21:50And then there was a cross
21:51And they had just been done seen about anything since they saw an elephant fly
21:55And everything was very nice
21:59Next question
22:01Next question
22:02Well, what about Hanuman?
22:08Monkey god, right?
22:09Right, right, right
22:10Right
22:11Well, this is also a fascinating parable
22:14That shows us the need to discover our inner journey
22:17And also other
22:19Stuff
22:26Amitav na bachan
22:30Staski na hachan
22:34Maduri maduri cholika nachchan
22:39You see, uh
22:40He was, uh
22:41Leader of the monkeys
22:43He was the king of the swingers, in fact
22:47And, um
22:48And he said
22:49He kidnapped
22:51The Mowgli
22:52Sita
22:54He said
22:57Mradangam na bhajao
23:00Halwa na bhajao
23:04Which mean
23:06Ooo
23:06Ooo
23:09I want to be like you
23:11Ooo
23:14And also
23:16Also there was the Shere Khan
23:17And the not yet Baloo
23:19And the vulture from the Liverpool
23:20And everything was very nice
23:22Hang on
23:24Meditation
23:30We interrupt this broadcast to bring you historic news
23:3320 minutes ago, just 20 minutes
23:35An alien spacecraft from another planet landed here on Earth
23:38We take you now live to the contact point just outside Milton Keynes
23:41Where our reporter has the historic duty to be the first person to speak to the leader of the alien
23:46mission
23:48Alien leader
23:49Welcome to Earth
23:53Have you met my daughter?
23:56Wait, just talk to her, will you?
23:59I don't want to be an alien
24:00Don't listen
24:01She's young, she doesn't know what she wants
24:11My papi always told me about when my time don't come
24:15I should marry a little lady just like my dear old mom
24:20So I look real hard for a woman with a stutter and mustache
24:24When I saw my mean love done hit me like a flash
24:29Well I walked into the party
24:31And I saw Dave standing there
24:33With his mobile in his pocket
24:36And blonde highlights in his hair
24:38I thought there's a gal who's modern
24:40That's some backward big pin do
24:42And then he helped my coach when I drank too much
24:45And threw up in the loo
24:47That's right, we chose each other
24:49And we did it all for love
24:52No matchmakers or pundits
24:54And something stars above
24:56We cast an old chicken and trout
24:58Dance around bushes in the rain
25:02We did it on our own
25:04And yes, we'll do it all again
25:09Married quick and moved into a clammy maisonette
25:13She was gourmet in the kitchen
25:15And a greedy pig in bed
25:18And then she started working in some fancy big time job
25:22She told me there's the microwave
25:25You can find your own damn knob
25:27He helped me cut the tubs in
25:29And whisper in my ear
25:31But now he breaks wind over dinner
25:34And talks hard to his beer
25:36If I ask him stuff he calls me a nag
25:39I say nothing, I'm just dumb
25:40You're dumb
25:41I look at my wedding photos
25:43And I wonder where I've gone
25:45That's right, we chose each other
25:47We did just what we pleased
25:50No interfering aunties
25:52No marriage agencies
25:54We didn't knock on wood
25:56Or dance from bushes in the rain
26:00We did it on our own
26:02And we'll never do it all again
26:06I can't talk to my mammy
26:08She says I chose my fate
26:10I could've had my pick of girls
26:13But now it's much too late
26:14Well I couldn't tell my family
26:17You see I've got my pride
26:19Couldn't cope with all the told you so
26:22So my heartbreak I must hide
26:24Why don't you kiss me anymore?
26:26I'd rather have a sneer
26:28Why don't you wear that chicken outfit that applied so dear?
26:33Why don't you give me cuddles?
26:35It's like shagging a porcupine
26:37Why don't anybody warn you
26:40That your love can sometimes die?
26:42That's right, we chose each other
26:44We did it on our own
26:46And cause of that our families think we got what we deserve
26:50And we never did no dancing round those bushes in the rain
26:59Now I'm on my own
27:00Yes, I'm on my own
27:01We're on and on again
27:07Get lost
27:08Get lost
27:09Now you talk to me like this
27:11?
27:12?
27:14?
27:15?
27:15?
27:15?
27:17?
27:18?
27:27?
27:47Oh, my God.
28:01I'm bollocks.
28:06Goodness gracious me.
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