Black Adder is pure British comedy gold 😂 From Rowan Atkinson’s legendary sarcasm to the chaotic historical disasters, every season delivers iconic humor, savage wit, and unforgettable moments. Whether it’s medieval schemes, royal disasters, or war-time satire, Black Adder remains one of the greatest comedy series ever made. 🇬🇧🔥
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00:17I don't know.
00:44Go away.
00:45Well, Lord, there is someone at the door to see you.
00:48Oh, God.
00:50What time is it?
00:51Four o'clock.
00:53Baldrick, I've told you before, you mustn't let me sleep all day.
00:56This woman charges by the hour.
01:00My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.
01:02Someone wants to see me at four in the morning?
01:05What is he, a giant lark?
01:08No, he's a priest.
01:10Tell him I'm Jewish.
01:12Aren't you going to introduce me, then?
01:14What?
01:15Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
01:17Oh, very well, but I think you're making a mistake.
01:20Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to...
01:23I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
01:25Molly.
01:26Of course, Molly.
01:26Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
01:29I'm not dear.
01:31I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick.
01:34Most girls will charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants.
01:37Yes, all right, all right, all right.
01:39Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute.
01:42Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant.
01:45Now, may I go to sleep on...
01:46Yeah, well, what about this priest?
01:48Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here.
01:51And what's more, if he comes begging again,
01:54tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wales,
01:56who drowns babies during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards.
02:01Thank you, Baldrick.
02:03Bye, Baldrick.
02:06Bye-bye, Molly.
02:08I say, get out!
02:11Well, you're a one, aren't you?
02:13When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like
02:16goodness something twice the size of the royal bard
02:19who's just hoved into view between the sheets.
02:21You don't say a word.
02:23But enter the creature from the black latrine
02:26and you won't stop jabbering.
02:28You're treating me like a human being.
02:29Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man,
02:32I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
02:38Yes, Baldrick, what is it now?
02:41It's that priest. He says he still wants to see you.
02:44And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales?
02:47I did, my lord.
02:47What did he say?
02:48He said I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales.
02:52Good Lord.
02:53You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder?
02:56No. No, I'm not married.
02:58In that case, I'll skip breakfast
03:00and get straight down to business.
03:02Do you know what day it is today?
03:05No, I don't.
03:06It is exactly one year ago to the day
03:08that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,
03:12banking with a smile and a stab,
03:15of which I am the assistant manager,
03:18lent you £1,000.
03:22Our motto is repayment or revenge.
03:29Of course, and naturally I would have paid you back,
03:31but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger,
03:34I've gone and lost my wallet.
03:38Dis-astrous.
03:39It had all my addresses in it,
03:40all those little notes saying forget ye not,
03:42and of course all my money.
03:44That's no concern of mine.
03:46The debt is now due.
03:48Not to repay a loan is a sin,
03:50and we Black Monks, we hate sin!
03:53Ah, um, your grace?
03:55May I introduce my mother?
04:00Good morning, my dear.
04:02Dear, I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.
04:07Of course not, Pompey.
04:09Dear, I have a mind, my pretty,
04:12to lay nuns and novices,
04:13so don't forget your wimple.
04:16But as for you,
04:19you come with me.
04:20Where?
04:21To visit the last poor fool
04:23who lost his wallet!
04:26Oh!
04:31William Greaves,
04:33born 1513 in Chelmsford
04:35with the love of Christ,
04:36died 1563 in agony
04:40with a spike up his bottom.
04:43Oh, oh, oh!
04:45Tis ever and so, nuncle,
04:47with the Black Monks.
04:48Oh, oh, oh, oh!
04:49Scream, did he?
04:50Scream and gurgle
04:52as they skewered his cat flap
04:53for want of a father.
04:54I think you'll get my message.
04:57Um, yes, yes, indeed.
04:59But tell me, Bishop,
05:00let me just test the water here,
05:02so to speak.
05:03Um, supposing I was to say to you
05:04something like
05:05I'm a close friend of the Queen's
05:07and I think she'd be very interested
05:09to hear about you
05:10and Molly and the wimple,
05:12so why don't we just call it quits
05:14a fatso?
05:17I would say, firstly,
05:19the Queen would not believe you,
05:21and secondly,
05:22you'll regret calling me
05:25fatso later today.
05:27Ah.
05:28I will have my money
05:30by even some tonight,
05:31or...
05:33your bottom will wish
05:35it had never been born!
05:42Oh, poor Tom's a cold.
05:46Pity poor Tom,
05:47for his nose is frozen
05:49and he does shiver
05:51and is mad!
05:53Oh, shut up!
05:56So, lads,
05:57I'm up a certain creek
05:58without a certain instrument.
06:00Either I raise a thousand pounds
06:02by this evening
06:03or I get murdered.
06:04What should I do?
06:05It's obvious.
06:06What?
06:07You'll have to get murdered.
06:09You'll never raise
06:09that sort of money.
06:11Oh, come now,
06:12poor Drake.
06:13A piffling thousand?
06:15Pay the fellow Edmund
06:17and damn his impudence.
06:18I haven't got a thousand,
06:20dunghead.
06:20I've got 85 quid
06:21in the whole world.
06:23But you're always boasting
06:24to the Queen
06:24about how wealthy you are.
06:26Ah, a cunning web of deceit
06:28subtly spun about the court
06:29to improve my standing,
06:30unfortunately.
06:32What, do you mean
06:33you've been...
06:35dipping?
06:36Yep.
06:37My whole life
06:38has been a tissue whoppers.
06:40I consider myself
06:41one of England's finest liars.
06:43Oh, my God, Percy.
06:44A giant hummingbird
06:46is about to eat
06:46your hat and cloak.
06:47Oh, no!
06:47You see, I'm terrific.
06:53It seems to have gone now.
06:57Couldn't you just
06:57dip into the family fortune?
06:59There isn't one.
07:00My father blew it all
07:02on wine, women
07:03and amateur dramatics.
07:05At the end,
07:06he was eking out a living
07:07doing humorous impressions
07:08of Anne of Cleves.
07:10Oh, Edmund,
07:11I am sorry.
07:11I had no idea.
07:14But do not despair,
07:15for I have some small savings
07:17carefully harvested
07:18from my weekly allowance
07:20set aside against
07:21my frail old age.
07:23By lucky apt
07:24is just over a thousand,
07:25methinks,
07:26and has for years
07:27been hidden beyond
07:27the wit of any thief
07:29in an old sock
07:30under the squeaky floorboard
07:32behind the kitchen dresser.
07:37You've seen it?
07:39Seen it,
07:39pinched it,
07:40spent it.
07:44And the same goes
07:45for the two farthings
07:46Boric thinks he's got
07:47hidden inside
07:47that mouldy potato.
07:48Oh, bloody hell.
07:52Then,
07:53you are doomed.
07:56Alas,
07:59for God's sake,
08:01let us
08:01sit upon the carpet
08:04and tell sad stories.
08:07Certainly not.
08:08When Lord Blackadder
08:09is in trouble,
08:09he does not sit about.
08:10You won't be able
08:11to sit about
08:11with a spike up your bottom.
08:13Well, is it?
08:14But still,
08:15I've got 85 quid
08:17and that's a start.
08:18I'm sure I'll think
08:19of something
08:19as long as I'm not disturbed.
08:22My Lord,
08:22the Queen does demand
08:23your urgent presence
08:24on pain of death.
08:25Oh, damn.
08:26And the path
08:27of my life
08:27is strewn
08:29with cowpats
08:30from the devil's
08:31own satanic herd.
08:36Madam,
08:37you sent for me.
08:38Did I?
08:40I don't remember.
08:42I don't know
08:43what is scatterbrain I am.
08:45Sam!
08:51Well, perhaps,
08:52Mum,
08:52if I might be allowed
08:53to withdraw,
08:54I have one or two
08:55tiny matters
08:55to attend to.
08:56Certainly.
09:06That was a terrific joke,
09:08wasn't it?
09:08Oh, magnificent.
09:09You're so naughty.
09:11What, my lady?
09:13I do know
09:13why I wanted to see you
09:15and I just pretended
09:16I didn't
09:17and I told you
09:18and it worked
09:19brilliantly,
09:20didn't it?
09:21It was terrific,
09:23Madam.
09:24I thank God
09:25I wore my corset
09:27because I think
09:28my sides
09:28have split.
09:34So,
09:34why did you
09:35want to see me?
09:37To crack the lovely joke.
09:39Or perhaps,
09:40Blackadder,
09:41you don't think
09:41the Queen's jokes
09:42are funny enough
09:43for you to be troubled with.
09:45Au contraire.
09:45I'm ecstatic
09:46about the whole incident.
09:47I only didn't laugh
09:48out loud
09:49because I was afraid
09:50if I did
09:51my head
09:51would have fallen off.
09:54If you don't
09:55start soon,
09:57your head
09:57will fall off.
10:02Now,
10:03pay Melchie
10:03his 85 pounds
10:05and run along.
10:0685 pounds?
10:07Yes.
10:07We had a bet.
10:09I said that
10:10you wouldn't
10:10fall for my trick
10:11and Melchie
10:11said you would
10:12because I'm
10:13so super
10:13and you're
10:14so stupid.
10:16You owe him
10:1785 pounds.
10:18Oh,
10:19fine,
10:19fine.
10:20I mean,
10:21it's only money,
10:22isn't it?
10:24I cannot
10:25believe it.
10:27She drags me
10:27all the way
10:28from Billingsgate
10:29to Richmond
10:29to play about
10:30the weakest
10:30practical joke
10:32since Cardinal
10:32Woolsey got his
10:33knob out
10:34at Hampton Court
10:37and stood
10:38at the end
10:38of the passage
10:39pretending to be
10:39a door.
10:43Oh,
10:44shut up,
10:44Baldus.
10:44You'd laugh
10:45at a Shakespeare
10:45comedy.
10:47Edmund!
10:47Oh,
10:48Edmund,
10:48I have awaited
10:49your return.
10:50Thanks,
10:50thank God
10:51you did,
10:51for I was just
10:52thinking,
10:52my God,
10:53I die in 12 hours.
10:55What I really need
10:55now is a hug
10:56from a complete
10:57pruss.
11:00But fear not,
11:01for I have a plan
11:02to save the life
11:03of my dear,
11:03dear friend.
11:04Look,
11:05I'm not interested
11:05in your bloody
11:06friends.
11:06What about me?
11:08Not bad,
11:09Edmund,
11:09this is a good one.
11:10No,
11:11all right,
11:11then,
11:11what's your big
11:12plan,
11:13blockhead?
11:15I intend
11:16to discover
11:16this very afternoon
11:19the secret
11:20of alchemy,
11:22the hidden art
11:23of turning
11:24base things
11:26into gold.
11:28Ah,
11:28I see.
11:29And the fact
11:29that this secret
11:30has eluded
11:31the most intelligent
11:32people since
11:32the dawn of time
11:33doesn't dampen
11:34your spirits.
11:36Oh, no.
11:37I like a challenge.
11:40Well,
11:41Baldur's,
11:41I lost the 85 quid.
11:43The grave opens up
11:45before me
11:45like a
11:46big hole
11:47in the ground.
11:49I did have
11:50one idea,
11:51my lord,
11:51but
11:52nah,
11:53it's stupid.
11:54What is it?
11:55Well,
11:56I have heard
11:56there's good money
11:57to be made
11:58down the docks.
12:02Doing favours
12:03for sailors.
12:08Favours?
12:09What do you mean?
12:10Delivering messages,
12:11sewing on buttons,
12:12like a...
12:14not quite.
12:16Baldur.
12:17My lord.
12:18Are you suggesting
12:19that I become
12:20a rent boy?
12:22Oh,
12:23good-looking bloke
12:23like you,
12:24posh accent,
12:25nice legs,
12:25you can make a bomb.
12:27Just stick a pink
12:28carnation in your hat
12:29and make the old sign.
12:31I'd rather die.
12:33Oh, fair enough.
12:34That's all right.
12:34Then I'll just put the kettle
12:35on while we wait,
12:36shall I?
12:36Got a tip in place.
12:38With a slight alteration,
12:40your sick and sordid plan
12:42might just work.
12:51Give me a kiss
12:52and I'll give you a penny.
12:55A penny?
12:56Well, all right,
12:56let's have it.
12:58All right, go on.
12:59Nothing fancy,
13:00just a peck.
13:01I'll miss my mum,
13:02you see.
13:03When I was a little kid,
13:04my mother always used to come...
13:06Now, get a move on.
13:06He's a prostitute,
13:07not an agony aunt.
13:09Go on, please.
13:11Just a little peck on the cheek
13:12and say,
13:13there, there, Arthur.
13:15Mummy will kiss it better
13:16and you shall have a story.
13:18Well, I don't know.
13:20Do you do requests, Mulder?
13:22Well, kinky stuff.
13:23Yeah, I'm going.
13:24Oh, go on, please.
13:26I miss my mum so much.
13:29I mean,
13:29she was like a mother to me.
13:32All right, go on, boy.
13:35All right.
13:38I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say.
13:39Oh, get out of the way.
13:41I'll do it.
13:43There, there, Arthur.
13:45Mummy kiss it better
13:46and you shall have a story.
13:48What kind of a story?
13:50Well, I don't know.
13:51One about a squirrel, as it was.
13:52And then Squirry the Squirrel went
13:55Neap, neap, neap.
13:57And they all went home for tea.
13:59Oh, thanks very much,
14:01me old shivering mateys.
14:02That was wonderful.
14:04Now then,
14:05how much do you charge
14:06for a good hard shag?
14:16A thousand pounds.
14:19A thousand pounds?
14:20You've got to be joking.
14:21Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.
14:28Right, so we've got sixpence.
14:32Yeah.
14:33Now, all we need to do, my lord,
14:35is to go down the cockfights
14:36and put it on a bird
14:37that's a dead cert
14:38but has got odds of 40,000 to one.
14:42Know you of such a bird?
14:43No.
14:45But we could make one.
14:48No, we couldn't, Baldrick.
14:50Oh, God, I suppose
14:51you have to be told sometimes.
14:53Sit down.
14:55What happens is
14:56a mummy bird and a daddy bird
14:58who love each other very much
15:01get certain urges.
15:02No, no, my lord,
15:03what I mean is
15:04we could get a mad, wild,
15:05kill a bull
15:06and disguise it as a bird.
15:10But it will be
15:11such a strange-looking bird
15:13that no one will back it.
15:14But we'll know
15:15it's a killer bull
15:16so we'll put money on it.
15:17Only we will know.
15:19Yeah, if we stick enough feathers on it
15:21and hang an egg between its legs.
15:23Yes, all right, all right.
15:25A chat with you
15:26and somehow death loses its sting.
15:29My lord,
15:30the Queen does demand
15:31your urgent presence
15:31on pain of death.
15:32You're not making
15:33any friends here.
15:34You do know that,
15:35don't you, ma'am?
15:39Madam,
15:40you sent for me again.
15:41Yes, Edmund.
15:43I wanted to apologise
15:44for the silly trick
15:45I played on you.
15:47Ah.
15:48It was naughty and bad of me.
15:50It was my little rosebud.
15:52If you weren't quite so big,
15:53it would be time
15:54for Mr. and Mrs. Spank
15:55to pay a short,
15:56sharp trip
15:56to body land.
15:59Thank you,
16:00Nursey.
16:01And thank you,
16:02Edmund.
16:03That's all.
16:04Yes.
16:06Thanks for coming.
16:19That was very funny, too,
16:21wasn't it?
16:23My lady?
16:24Drag it,
16:25you all the way across town again.
16:27Just to say sorry for drag it,
16:28you all the way across town
16:30for the first time.
16:31It was Melchia's idea.
16:34I think it's wonderful,
16:35don't you?
16:35It's fantastic.
16:37Melchia,
16:38I prostrate myself
16:39with the feet
16:39of the world's
16:40greatest living comedian.
16:43Oh, you are super, Edmund.
16:46Oh, Edmund,
16:47I promised Lord Melchia
16:49that I would play
16:49a sharp halfpenny with him,
16:51but we have no coin.
16:52Do you have a halfpenny?
16:54Unfortunately,
16:55only a sixpence, Mum.
16:56What a shame.
16:56Oh, no.
16:57A sixpence would do
16:58just as well.
17:00Oh, good.
17:04Oh, gosh.
17:05This place stinks
17:07like a pair
17:07of armoured trousers
17:08after the Hundred Years' War.
17:11Baldrick,
17:12have you been eating
17:13dung again?
17:15My lord,
17:16success!
17:17What?
17:18After literally
17:19and hours
17:20cease for searching,
17:21I have succeeded
17:22in creating gold,
17:24pure gold.
17:26Are you sure?
17:26Yes, my lord.
17:30Behold.
17:33Percy,
17:34it's green.
17:37That's right, my lord.
17:39Yes, Percy,
17:39I don't want to be pedantic
17:40or anything,
17:41but the colour of gold
17:42is gold.
17:43That's why it's called gold.
17:45What you have discovered,
17:47if it has a name,
17:48is some green.
17:54Oh, Edmund,
17:57can it be true
17:59that I hold here
18:00in my mortal hand
18:03a nugget
18:04of purest green?
18:07Indeed, you do, Percy,
18:08except, of course,
18:09it's not really a nugget,
18:10is it?
18:10It's more of a splat.
18:12Well, yes,
18:14a splat today,
18:15but tomorrow,
18:16who knows
18:17or dares to dream?
18:19So we three alone
18:21in all the world
18:22can create
18:22the finest green
18:23at will.
18:25Just so.
18:26I'm not sure
18:27about counting
18:28in Baldrick, actually.
18:29Of course,
18:29you know what
18:30your great discovery means,
18:31don't you, Percy?
18:32Perhaps, my lord.
18:33That you, Percy,
18:34Lord Percy,
18:36are an utter burke.
18:39Baldrick?
18:40Oh, lord.
18:40Pack my bags,
18:41I'm going to sell the house.
18:42What?
18:43There's nothing else for it.
18:44I mean,
18:45I shall miss the old place,
18:46I know.
18:47I've had some happy times here
18:49when you and Percy
18:50have been out.
18:52But needs must
18:53when the devil
18:54vomits into your kettle.
18:57Baldrick,
18:58go forth into the streets
18:59and let it be known
19:00that Lord Blackadder
19:01wishes to sell his house.
19:02Percy,
19:03just go forth
19:04into the street.
19:07This is the den.
19:09Oh, dear.
19:10But I have to tell you,
19:12Mr. Pants,
19:13that I've had an extremely
19:14encouraging nibble
19:16from another client
19:17and I think you know me
19:18well enough to know
19:19that I'm not the sort of man
19:20to ignore a nibble for long.
19:22I noticed some dry rot
19:24in the bedrooms,
19:25Timothy.
19:26Well,
19:26Mrs. Pants,
19:27dry rot is
19:27as dry rot does.
19:29Stop me if I'm getting
19:30too technical.
19:31And the clothes are perhaps
19:32a little uneven?
19:33Indeed,
19:34yes, madam,
19:34and at no extra cost.
19:37Strange smell.
19:38Yes,
19:39that's the servant.
19:39He'll be gone.
19:41You've really worked out
19:42your banter,
19:43haven't you?
19:44No,
19:44not really.
19:45This is a different thing.
19:46It's spontaneous
19:46and it's called wit.
19:49What about the privies?
19:50When the master craftsman
19:52who created this home
19:53was looking into sewage,
19:54he said to himself,
19:55Romeo,
19:56what was his name?
19:57Romeo,
19:58let's make them
19:59functional
20:00and comfortable.
20:02Oh, well,
20:02that seems nice,
20:03doesn't it, dear?
20:04I think we understand
20:05each other, sir.
20:05So,
20:06so then,
20:06drink.
20:07What about
20:08the privies?
20:10Well,
20:12what we're talking about
20:13in, um,
20:14privy terms
20:15is the very latest
20:16in front wall
20:17fresh air orifices
20:19combined with
20:20a wide capacity
20:21gutter installation
20:22below.
20:24You mean
20:25you crap
20:25out of the window?
20:30Yes.
20:32Well,
20:33in that case,
20:34we'll definitely
20:34take it.
20:36I can't stand
20:37those dirty
20:38indoor things.
20:42there.
20:43That's the lot.
20:44He only wanted
20:45to pay a thousand,
20:46but I'm honest
20:47to beat him up
20:47to 1100.
20:49Edmund,
20:49you wily old
20:50trickster, you.
20:51Oh,
20:51credit where credit's
20:52due.
20:52I just named
20:53the price.
20:53It was Baldrick
20:54who actually beat
20:54him up.
20:57Percy,
20:58what is that
20:59on the front
20:59of your tunic?
21:01Ah,
21:02it is a brooch,
21:03my lord.
21:04A brooch
21:04cunningly fashioned
21:05from pure green.
21:08It looks like
21:09you've sneezed.
21:12It is with
21:13trinkets such
21:14as this brooch
21:14and here
21:15a ring
21:17that I intend
21:18to revive
21:19your fortunes
21:20and buy back
21:20your house.
21:22You think
21:22there's a big
21:22market for
21:23jewellery that
21:23looks like
21:24snot, then?
21:26My lord.
21:26The eyes are
21:27open, the mouth
21:28moves, but
21:29Mr Brain has
21:30long since
21:31departed, hasn't
21:32he, Percy?
21:33My lord.
21:34Ah, messenger,
21:35thank God you
21:36came.
21:36Percy and I
21:37could not have
21:37waited another
21:38second without
21:38you.
21:41Majesty.
21:42Thank God you were
21:43right.
21:44Terrible news.
21:45What?
21:46The French
21:47intend to invade,
21:48Black Adam.
21:48My God.
21:50So I need some
21:50money?
21:53Yes, every
21:53nobleman must
21:54pay £500
21:55towards the
21:56upkeep of the
21:56navies.
21:57But we've
21:58decided to make
21:58you a special
21:59case.
22:00Oh, thank you,
22:00ma'am.
22:01Melchie here
22:01hasn't got a
22:02bean, so we
22:03thought, as
22:04you're so
22:04fabulously wealthy,
22:05you could pay
22:06for both.
22:06It would be
22:07awfully sweet of you.
22:08Yes, unfortunately,
22:09ma'am, I'm in
22:09the middle of a
22:10cash flow crisis
22:11and I just
22:11haven't got any
22:12money on me.
22:13But Edmund.
22:14Sorry.
22:16What's that
22:16in your tights?
22:17Oh, good
22:19lord.
22:21It looks like
22:22just over
22:23£1,000.
22:25So it is.
22:26I thought you
22:27said you didn't
22:28have any.
22:29Oh, I thought
22:29you meant real
22:30money.
22:30Oh, this is just
22:31a bit of loose
22:32change.
22:32I must have
22:32left it in my
22:33cordpiece when I
22:33sent these
22:34tights to the
22:34laundry.
22:36£1,000?
22:37Just loosen
22:38your tights?
22:38That is flat.
22:40Anyway, have it
22:41over.
22:43Thanks.
22:44Bye.
22:45Bye.
22:47Well, goodbye
22:47indeed.
22:49Goodbye,
22:50Mum.
22:51Goodbye,
22:51Meltzer.
22:52Goodbye,
22:54Nursey.
22:55Oops!
22:57Bye.
23:03Ha Ha Ha Ha!
23:08Ha Ha Ha!
23:10Ha Ha Ha!
23:11Ha Ha Ha!
23:13Ha Ha Ha!
23:15Oh, Edmund! He's completely full of you!
23:18It's a brilliant job, Betty!
23:21Brilliant man!
23:23And now I'm going to have you executed.
23:27Majesty?
23:28It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
23:33I'm going to knock your block off.
23:36Majesty, I only have to please.
23:39Oh, please! I so want to live!
23:49Oh, praise the Lord for the gift of laughter.
23:59Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.
24:02Why, my lord? I want to avoid these monks, of course.
24:04There's no point. The Black Bank's got branches everywhere.
24:07Oh, no.
24:13If I die, Baldi, do you think people would remember me?
24:17Yeah, of course they would.
24:18Yes, I suppose so.
24:20Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing
24:23and saying, do you remember old privy breath?
24:28Do people call me privy breath?
24:30Yeah, the ones who like you.
24:33Am I, then, not popular?
24:36Um, well, put it this way.
24:38When people slip in what dogs have left in the street,
24:40they do tend to say, whoops, I've trodden an Edmund.
24:45Bloody cheek!
24:46Now, I'll show them.
24:47What, have you got a plan, my lord?
24:49Yes, I have.
24:49And it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
24:53All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel,
24:57some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute,
25:00and the best portrait painter in England.
25:02I'll get them right away, my lord.
25:06My lord, the most famous portrait painter in England,
25:10Mr Leonardo Acropolis.
25:13Right, are you any good?
25:14No.
25:15I am a genius.
25:18Well, you'd better be, or you're dead.
25:21Right, in the bedroom, beard-face.
25:23Walrick, get the door.
25:24My lord.
25:38The bishop of Bath and Wells.
25:41The time has come, Black Adam.
25:44Oh, hello, Bish.
25:45Black monks will have their money,
25:48or I will have my fun.
25:51You enjoy your work, don't you?
25:53Bits of it, yeah.
25:55The violent bits.
25:56Yes.
25:57You see, I am a colossal pervert.
26:02No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.
26:07Animal, vegetable, or mineral,
26:09I'll do anything to anything.
26:12Fine words for a bishop.
26:14Yes, nice to hear the church speaking out for a change
26:16on social issues.
26:18Have you got the money?
26:20Nope.
26:21Good, I hate it when people pay up.
26:24Say your prayers, Black Adam.
26:26It's poker time!
26:28Fine.
26:30Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?
26:33No.
26:34No, no, no.
26:35I kill, I maim, I fornicate,
26:37but as far as my flock is concerned,
26:39my only vice is a little tipple before evensong.
26:43Oh, thank you.
26:48Bend over, Black Adam!
26:51This is where you get...
26:54Drunk, my God!
26:56It's not by Baldrick, actually,
26:57but the effect is much the same.
27:01Squakey-wakey, Bish.
27:02Dear me, you clerics really are slugger beds.
27:05Where am I?
27:06I remember...
27:08Drunk.
27:09That's right.
27:10You should have killed me while you had the chance.
27:14You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Black Adam.
27:18Well, I'm not so sure about that.
27:19I did wonder, though,
27:21what people who saw this might think.
27:25Heavens above!
27:26What creatures from hell are those?
27:28They make an interesting couple, don't they?
27:30I think...
27:30I think you probably recognise
27:31this huge, sweating mound of blubber here.
27:36Eh, fatso?
27:37Ah!
27:39There's no point, anyway.
27:41We have the preliminary sketches.
27:43Soon...
27:43Soon bang off a couple of copies.
27:46Let's see, one for the Queen,
27:47one for the Archbishop.
27:48A couple kept aside, perhaps,
27:49to form the basis of an exciting exhibition
27:51of challenging young artists' work.
27:53By the Holmes of Beelzebub,
27:55how did you get me into that position?
27:56And it's, eh, beautifully framed,
27:58don't you think?
27:59This is ironic, really,
28:01because that's exactly what's happened to you.
28:03You've been!
28:04Never have I encountered
28:06such corrupt and foul-minded perversity!
28:09Have you ever considered a career in the church?
28:13No.
28:13I can never get used to the underwear.
28:15And what I could use, though,
28:17is, say, £1,100 to buy back my house,
28:19£4,000 to cover some sundry expenses,
28:22ten shillings for the two doors,
28:23and, let's say,
28:24threepence for a celebratory slap-up binge
28:27at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop.
28:29Yes, yes, but first, one question.
28:32Who is the second figure?
28:35Who could you have got to have performed such deeds,
28:38to have gone lower that man has ever gone,
28:40to have plunged the depths of degradation
28:43just in order to save your filthy life?
28:47Ah!
28:51Percy, may I introduce His Grace,
28:54the Bishop of Barton Wells?
28:56Your Grace,
28:57Lord Percy Percy,
28:58Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.
29:01Hello.
29:05It was lovely working with you.
29:09To keep the moral of this tale
29:13Be not a borrower or lender
29:17And if your finances do fail
29:20Make sure your banker's not a bender
29:24Blackadder, Blackadder
29:27He trusted in the church
29:30Blackadder, Blackadder
29:34It's left him in the match
29:38Blackadder, Blackadder
29:41His life was almost done
29:45Blackadder, Blackadder
29:49Who gives a toss, no one
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