The Thin Blue Line is a classic British sitcom starring Rowan Atkinson as the hilariously clueless Inspector Raymond Fowler ππ Packed with absurd police station chaos, sharp British humor, and unforgettable characters, this comedy series became a fan-favorite for lovers of classic UK television.
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:33Good afternoon, carry on, sit down, sit down.
00:37Now then, everybody, I have exciting news.
00:40Exciting news indeed.
00:42Gasforth has been selected to host the next sub-district regional police conference.
00:50Yes, I thought you'd be excited.
00:53When I read the letter this morning, I nearly had to have another cup of tea.
00:57We are to have an opportunity to put our views to a deputy assistant under secretary of state to the
01:04cabinet.
01:05A man who has the ear of a man who has the ear of the man who has a foot
01:10in the home office.
01:12You've lost me completely now, sir.
01:15We are just two ears and a foot from the home secretary.
01:19We must not waste this chance to place the issues that really count right at the heart of government.
01:24You're absolutely right, sir.
01:25Let's ask the old git for bear eyes.
01:28There are some of us, Constable Habib, who believe that there is more to policing than the weekly stipend.
01:32Yes, like being able to drive through red lights when you feel like it.
01:36I beg your pardon.
01:38Really cool riot gear like they have on Robocop.
01:42And tear gas.
01:43I had to go with that once.
01:44It was brilliant.
01:46Except you have to check which way the wind is blowing, because I've forgotten it didn't have a sting.
01:52Goodie.
01:53Tell him we want those long truncheons they have on NYPD Blue.
01:57Don't be absurd, Constable.
01:58Those telegraph poles that American officers carry are just so much macho posturing.
02:04The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate.
02:06Personally, I've always felt more than satisfied with 14 inches hanging down inside my trunche.
02:15Have I said something amusing, Constable Habib?
02:17No, sir.
02:18Then you will oblige me by wiping that silly grin off your face.
02:22Anyway, the subject of the conference is rather specific.
02:25We have been asked to prepare an initiative on an aspect of juvenile crime.
02:31So what do you think it should be?
02:32The truancy, taken without consent, the scourge of graffiti?
02:37I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.
02:39I see it as a new urban art form.
02:44Have you run mad, Constable Habib?
02:46No, I'm serious, sir.
02:48Isn't it just a vibrant and contemporary form of youth expression?
02:51No, it's a bunch of nasty little yobs scribbling on walls.
02:55I blame these awful fridge magnets.
03:03Yes, and for those of us who are conducting this briefing on earth.
03:08I've seen it at my niece's house.
03:10Every time her toddler does a nasty little scribble, it gets stuck up on the fridge.
03:15Yes.
03:16And everyone has to say how nice it is.
03:19So young people grow up thinking that their stupid scribblings are somehow wonderful.
03:24So they carry on scribbling.
03:26Forever searching for that warm glow of appreciation that they used to feel when standing wrong
03:33the fridge.
03:36Yes, and that completes this week's training session for the Gasforth Police Synchronised
03:40Idiots Team.
03:42How do you return to the subject of juvenile crime?
03:45I think the first step is to stop seeing these kids as nothing but criminal thugs, sir.
03:49And what other description might one find for those who vandalise property, steal cars,
03:55and instruct me whenever I venture out in my helmet to remove the cold tit from my head?
04:01These kids are bored.
04:03You've got to provide them with some meaning in their lives.
04:05Well, yes, Constable Habib.
04:06In fact, I was thinking along similar lines.
04:08What do you suggest we do to bring about this sense of moral renewal?
04:11Well, we need real jobs, decent housing, we need long-term investment in the urban social
04:17infrastructure.
04:19Hmm.
04:20Yes, I was thinking more along the lines of a short camping trip.
04:25A camping trip?
04:27A bleeding camping trip?
04:30Blimey!
04:31Am I to take it that you do not approve of my proposed initiative?
04:35Yes, you may take it, Raymond, and you may shove it up your truncheon pouch.
04:40Society is collapsing round our ears, and Baden-Powell here calls for a chorus of ging-gang
04:47ghoulies.
04:49Ging-gang ghoulie.
04:50What?
04:51The ghoulies are singular.
04:54The song you refer to goes ging-gang ghoulie-goulie-goulie-goulie-watcher, ging-gang-goo, ging-gang-farer!
05:03We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved by shoving a sausage on a stick
05:08and whistling kumbaya.
05:11It's war out there, mate, war, and the bleeding kids are winning!
05:15It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort.
05:18The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens.
05:22I admit we don't like them.
05:25But if it were illegal to be sex-mad, tone-deaf, and impossible to understand, we should have
05:31to arrest the entire population of France.
05:35Our problem is the tiny minority of repeat offenders.
05:39Exactly, and what they need is a short, sharp shot, mate, not having their coddles mollied.
05:44I have no intention of mollying anyone.
05:47What I'm proposing is tough, demanding, but ultimately rewarding physical endeavour.
05:53There is a course for probationary young offenders run by Brigadier Blaster Sump.
05:58Blaster Sump?
05:59That loony.
06:00I admit he's eccentric.
06:02Eccentric?
06:02The bloke tried to be the first man to reach the South Pole in short trousers.
06:08Look, I'm not having you disgracing this station with a load of wishy-washy, diddums, half-cock, up your social
06:17worker,
06:18foldy-roll, blame-it-on-society, psycho-sicko-socio-clap-trap-crack.
06:29Well, at least I'm doing something.
06:32What are you doing?
06:33Nothing.
06:34Where's your passion?
06:35Your commitment?
06:37Do you know what your trouble is, don't you?
06:39You've no bottom man.
06:42Did you just call me a man with no bottom?
06:46Yes, I did.
06:47Apart, of course, from the one you used to communicate with.
06:51Right.
06:52Well, I'll show you who's got the bigger bottom round this station.
06:56CID are going to make a presentation.
06:58I'll show the conference what you do with juvenile offenders.
07:02You nick them, you lock them up, and you throw away the door.
07:06I mean, the key.
07:08You throw away the key.
07:12All right, sir, let's see your driving licence.
07:14Do you have any idea who my father is?
07:17I'm afraid I can't help you on that one, sir.
07:21Have you tried asking your mother?
07:26What do you reckon, sir?
07:28Do, do, do, do.
07:28I see.
07:31Very nice.
07:32Very ravey.
07:34You've got to make the effort, aren't you, sir?
07:35Yes, you have, Craig.
07:37Because this is a very important operation.
07:40Now, it's my arse, and if you stuff it, I'm going to end up very red in the face.
07:47Now, the kids in this squad are the nastiest little gits in the neighbourhood, are they?
07:51All repeat offenders, sir.
07:53Right, all we have to do is catch them at it.
07:55Those undercover operation constables, very sensitive stuff.
08:01Now, I'm a van driver, as you can see.
08:05You two will have to play the part of brain-dead juvenile morons.
08:10I'd probably be better off using some of Fowler's lot.
08:14Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:16Yeah.
08:17Craig?
08:18Yeah?
08:18I said a good one.
08:19I said I'd probably be better off.
08:22Yeah.
08:23Brilliant, sir.
08:24Try not to be too hilarious.
08:25I've only got one pair of these trousers.
08:27Well, anyway.
08:30Down to business.
08:31I'll show the sub-district regional police conference what sort of kids the modern copper has to face.
08:36Nothing but villains and hooligans, the lot of them.
08:39Do you know what?
08:40There's only one way to deal with it.
08:42You put the maternity hospitals inside the juvenile detention centres.
08:46What?
08:48Out of the mum and into the cell?
08:51Yeah.
08:53That's a very good idea, Craig.
08:56I might suggest that to the home secretary.
09:01I'm really looking forward to going on this camping trip, you know.
09:05Really getting back to basics.
09:07I always think that food tastes so much better if you have to open the tins yourself.
09:13Oh, yes.
09:14It'll be good getting right back to nature and living life in the raw.
09:17You're not thinking of taking your clothes off, are you, Craig?
09:20As if my mother would do her raving nana.
09:23Oh, good, good.
09:25Because I always saw that naturism is a very dangerous idea.
09:29I mean, it would only take one short-sighted squirrel.
09:33Well, squirrels is all we're likely to see on this camping trip.
09:36Do you know, I wish there was still proper, dangerous, wild animals.
09:40Then I could save Constable Habib from one and she'd fall in love with me.
09:43Well, lots of women are scared of spiders.
09:46Maybe Maggie is.
09:47If I put one in her tent, maybe you could save her from it.
09:50Yes, yes, yes.
09:51That's quite a good plan.
09:52But the only problem is, is that I wouldn't go within five million miles of any tent that I'd find.
10:01More social reports on juvenile repeat offenders, sir.
10:05Mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.
10:06Oh, great curry dumplings.
10:09It really is very depressing, isn't it?
10:12I just want to show a few youngsters that innocent pastimes can be fun, too.
10:17Yes, sir.
10:17I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs to have a good time when I was their age.
10:22I had Meccano.
10:27Ecstasy?
10:28I'll tell you what ecstasy is.
10:30Completing a scale model of the fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.
10:35It makes me sad to see these children today with their drugs and sex and music.
10:41They'll never know the joy a young lad can have sitting alone in his room.
10:49With his tool in his hand.
10:53Tightening his little nuts.
10:58Sounds like you've got a cop coming on there, Constable.
11:00Yeah.
11:04Listen to them.
11:06Ruddy morons.
11:08High on ecstasy, no doubt.
11:12Yeah, well, if that girl's on ecstasy, she should ask for her money back.
11:21I've done it, Baz.
11:22I told you it'd be easy.
11:23It's the most terrible thing I've ever had to do in my life.
11:27Yeah.
11:27Yeah, it's horrible.
11:28Did you give me facts?
11:32Right, you two, this is it.
11:33Let's hear your inane giggles.
11:37Not bad, not bad.
11:38We'll make detectives of you yet.
11:41Go on, go and do your stuff.
11:46Yeah, what's happening, man?
11:47Nice one.
11:48Yeah, happening.
11:49Sounds like a bang good way.
11:50Yeah, got any E?
11:52I want a score.
11:53Bug off, copper.
12:02Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.
12:04I was clearing it up a bit and I found this.
12:06You shouldn't have picked it up.
12:07It could be a bomb.
12:08Well, if it is, it's a stink bomb.
12:19The social services are coming to take her to hospital in about half an hour.
12:23No hurry.
12:25How could somebody just dump their baby like that?
12:28She's so beautiful.
12:30She's ugly, Pat.
12:32The only newborn babies are.
12:34They're like prunes.
12:36They get nice.
12:37They start ugly.
12:37Well, how would you look after you'd spent nine months in somebody's stomach?
12:41That's true, that's true.
12:43I've seen things that haven't spent more than five minutes in my stomach.
12:48You know, I wouldn't want to go wheeling them wrong Tescos in a prime.
12:54I mean, it's all Hans the pumps.
12:57There's been a disturbance at the Britannia Social Club.
12:59Some kind of right-wing meeting has developed into an affray.
13:02Oh, I'm a bit spashy, sir.
13:03Am I the best person to go?
13:05I might provoke things.
13:06What do you mean?
13:09Well, sir, I'm Asian.
13:11I don't care if you've just beamed down from Venus, Constable.
13:15You are a police officer, and we recognise only one colour, that of the thin blue line.
13:20Oh, for God's sake, Raymond, don't be such a pompous git.
13:25As a matter of fact, I did not hear that.
13:27I said don't be such a pompous git!
13:39I said don't be such a pompous git!
13:51I said don't be such a pompous git!
14:05Oh, no. You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.
14:09But thanks.
14:16Is she? Is she?
14:19Well, I expect that'll just be wind.
14:21When I had her, I found that just rubbing her back
14:23and the tiniest drop of cowpole on her dummy and she'd go down.
14:28Well, yes, I know I only had her for three quarters of an hour, but...
14:31Well, anyway, just make sure she's not sleeping on her tummy and...
14:34Goodbye.
14:38Do you want to know something?
14:39No.
14:40Ten years from now, there won't be a woman on the falls.
14:42And do you know why? Women's lib.
14:44Oh, yeah? And how do you work that out, then?
14:46Women have babies, right, but you can't sack them.
14:48Cos if you do, bosh, 200 grand compensation.
14:52I don't see why a woman should lose her job
14:54for performing an essential function of existence.
14:56That's fine.
14:57Except your average villain objects to being interviewed
14:59by a copper with leaky nipples.
15:04Catch 22, innit?
15:05Can't do the job, can't be sacked.
15:07Answer, don't take them on in the first place.
15:09But all women want babies, anyway.
15:11All women want babies.
15:13They say they don't.
15:14Then, bang, they turn 30 and suddenly it's...
15:17Quick, put a bun in me oven before me gas runs out.
15:20You are such a Neanderthal.
15:23Aye?
15:23Well, you're in your 30s.
15:25You aren't desperate for a child, are you?
15:27No, not at all.
15:28Not desperate.
15:29You have to remember the restrictions babies bring.
15:32The sleepless nights.
15:33The sick all over everything.
15:35The fat little cheeks you just want to gobble up.
15:38The laughs, the smiles.
15:41I can take it or leave it.
15:44Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.
15:50Constable Goody, I've received a very serious complaint.
15:54Did you punch a handcuffed 15-year-old boy last night
15:58while taking him to the cells?
16:01He was defending me, sir.
16:03He was defending you, Constable Habib.
16:05Oh, I see.
16:06And exactly what threat did this securely handcuffed juvenile pose?
16:11Was he threatening to wither you with a glance?
16:15He was using racist abuse, sir.
16:18The boy has swastikas tattooed on his arms.
16:21What did you expect him to do?
16:23Give you a chorus of ebony and ivory?
16:27You fool, Goody, you bloody fool!
16:31Suppose the lad had sustained brain damage.
16:33How would we tell?
16:34Don't you dare be facetious with me.
16:38I'm sorry, sir.
16:39I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry, Constable.
16:43You have created an appallingly serious situation.
16:47I'm going to have to charge you with assault.
16:49Sir, you can't!
16:50Did Goody hit the boy, Constable Habib?
16:52Yes, sir.
16:53Was Goody or anyone else in any physical danger at the time?
16:55No, sir!
16:56Under the circumstances, then, what do you consider to be my duty?
17:00You...
17:01You could issue a severe reprimand, sir.
17:03I'm afraid I do not have that option, Constable.
17:06The boy's mother is pressing charges.
17:10Constable Goody, you will continue with your duties,
17:13pending an investigation for unprovoked assault.
17:16Yes.
17:17That will be all.
17:20These boots are killing me.
17:22You should have stopped them with damp newspaper and leave overnight.
17:25Ah, good, good.
17:26Carry on, carry on.
17:28Marvellous.
17:31Well, Sergeant, we're off.
17:33It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.
17:37We shall drive to the squat, collect a minibus full of miscreants, and escort them along the rocky path to
17:44the straight and narrow.
17:46Yes, Raymond.
17:47And perhaps next weekend you could take the Arabs and the Israelis to Chessington Zoo for the day.
17:53Dear, Robes, dear.
17:56Dip, dip, dip.
17:59Dob, dob, dob.
18:01Lovely legs, Raymond.
18:03You watch out for those sheep.
18:05They'll nibble your toggle, mate.
18:09Are you sure I can't persuade you to come, Derek?
18:11I'm a policeman, not a bleeding girl guide, Raymond.
18:15Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.
18:18While you fanny about rewarding young offenders, I shall be nicking a few.
18:23Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:30Go, go, go, go, go, go, come on!
18:33Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
18:38Right, they've had long enough.
18:40Great, give it some mallet.
18:41Well, yeah.
18:43Some of your lot have taken them camping.
18:48Fowler, hasn't nicked my villains?
18:52Hey, William!
18:58My name's Blaster Sump, damn you!
19:03Now, you play a straight bat with me,
19:06and you'll find you'll rub along pretty well together.
19:09Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,
19:12a bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end,
19:14and by thunder I'll crush your young testicles
19:17beneath the hard granite of the Mull of Ben Craggy.
19:21And those of the party who were not equipped with testicles?
19:23The victims of tragic accidents, you mean.
19:26No, I mean girls.
19:28Fortunately, I've never been called upon to discipline a girl.
19:31No, quite the other way round, as a matter of fact.
19:34Oh, hell's tits.
19:37Yes?
19:38Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn me, what do you want?
19:40Can't you see I'm busy?
19:42Damn technology.
19:44The present from Mrs. Blaster, some God-rot her vicious soul.
19:48I said, do you want to buy me something useful?
19:51Then get me a big stick with a nail in the end
19:53and somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing.
20:01Now, here's your gear.
20:02You'll find everything you could possibly need,
20:04from lavatory paper to sandpaper.
20:07Don't confuse the two.
20:09I did myself once.
20:11Not a wholly unpleasant experience,
20:12but then I went to Charter House.
20:15Right.
20:16Well, I think that's everything.
20:17Let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg.
20:36It's not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to,
20:47since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel.
20:50Then, off you go,
20:51and last one to the summits of Euro-Federalists.
20:54Go on!
20:55Go away with you!
20:56Go away!
21:02Now,
21:04when I was a boy scored back in Trinidad,
21:06they taught us how to light a fire with a stick
21:09and a piece of string.
21:12I could never understand why,
21:14because I found it a lot easier to use matches.
21:20Well,
21:21long walk tomorrow.
21:22Best turn in.
21:25Great heavenly chestnuts,
21:27my sleeping bag will be a welcome sight tonight.
21:33Unless, of course,
21:34I can interest anyone in a chorus or two
21:36of ging-gang-gooly-gooly.
21:39Sir!
21:39Sir!
21:40Natalie's disappeared!
21:51Nothing at all, sir.
21:52She's vanished.
21:54What on earth could have moved the girl to abscond like that?
21:57One wrong step in the dark,
21:59and she could fall to her death.
22:00Inspector Fowler!
22:01We found her.
22:03This is your fault, Baz.
22:04You made me do it!
22:05Do what?
22:07Tell me what this nonsense is all about, boy,
22:09or by thunder you live to regret it.
22:11It's the baby.
22:12I told her to get rid of it.
22:14So the silly cow dumped it by some rubbish outside your neck.
22:17She reckons it got thrown away.
22:18She reckons she killed it.
22:20Say, so what?
22:22Who cares?
22:23It probably weren't mine anyway.
22:24Why, you little...
22:29Natalie.
22:32I found your baby.
22:34You found her?
22:35Yeah, she's all right.
22:36She's in hospital.
22:37You didn't kill her.
22:39I didn't mean it.
22:41I do love her.
22:43Well, I think it's time we all got some rest.
22:47As you go to sleep,
22:48I want you to think hard about the lessons learned today.
22:50I think about turning over a new leaf.
22:56Will you do that?
22:58Yes, Mr. Founder.
23:01Good night.
23:15Oh, bugger.
23:21Habib, that is enough.
23:23I cannot drop the charges against Constable Goody.
23:26The boy's mother is here now.
23:28There is nothing I can do about it.
23:30I bet you could do something about it if you really wanted to.
23:33Don't be insubordinate, Constable.
23:35But you don't want to
23:36because you think he should be charged.
23:38And why?
23:38Because a precise letter of the law
23:40is more important to you than justice.
23:43Oh, you understand what Kevin did.
23:44You nearly slapped that thug on the mountain.
23:46And had I done so,
23:47I would expect to face the consequences.
23:49We do not have a choice in this matter.
23:52The police cannot choose
23:53when and when not to enforce the law.
23:56If we do that,
23:57how can we expect the public ever to trust us?
24:00If I could see a way out of this,
24:02believe me, I'd take it.
24:04But I can't.
24:12Ah, come in.
24:13Please.
24:14Sit down.
24:19Now then,
24:20Mrs. Bludger,
24:22you have brought charges of assault
24:24against one of my officers.
24:25Where's the thug
24:26that it my defenceless boy?
24:29Little Geoffrey here
24:30could have been
24:30permanently brain damaged.
24:32Possibly.
24:34Well, I cannot imagine
24:35how he would tell.
24:36Now,
24:37I want to know
24:38from the lad himself
24:39exactly what happened.
24:41I ain't talking to no couple
24:42about my lawyer.
24:43You really won't talk to him
24:45or I've met your mama
24:46from the pub!
24:53Mrs. Bludger,
24:54are you aware of the European law
24:57regarding the treatment of minors?
24:58Right.
25:00Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
25:01Ignorance is no defence.
25:02I'm arresting you
25:03for assaulting your child.
25:05Do what?
25:07On the other hand,
25:08of course,
25:09we could forget
25:10the whole thing.
25:13Well, I hope you learnt
25:14your lesson, laddie.
25:15Yes, I have, sir.
25:15Thank you for asking.
25:19Of all the juveniles
25:21in Gaspeth
25:21and you have to pinch mine!
25:25We worked damn hard
25:26on that, Paul.
25:28Didn't we, Cray?
25:29What?
25:30Now I've got nothing
25:32to present
25:32to the Deputy Assistant
25:33Under-Secretary
25:34at the Sub-District
25:35Regional Conference.
25:37Oh, Derek.
25:38I've been thinking.
25:39Oh, God's sake!
25:42The conference
25:42is about youth.
25:44Who better to discuss it
25:46than youthful coppers?
25:48You have a story
25:49to tell,
25:50Constable Goody.
25:51Perhaps conference
25:52should hear it.
25:54Yes, sir.
25:55I think it should.
26:03What story
26:03would that be, then?
26:12I couldn't believe
26:14the crush
26:14at the checkout.
26:15I was in the
26:16Six Items or Less queue
26:17and the woman
26:18in front of me
26:18had some special offer
26:19toothpaste,
26:20a big tube
26:20with a little one
26:21sellotaped on for free.
26:23Well, that's two items,
26:23isn't it?
26:24Two quarters
26:25up to seven.
26:26Seven items
26:27in the Six Items queue.
26:28I cannot stand
26:29that sort of thing.
26:31You're right not to.
26:33That type of
26:33antisocial behaviour
26:34corrupts the entire system.
26:36I thought you said something.
26:38I very nearly said something.
26:39Well, you should have said something.
26:40I was going to say something.
26:41Then I saw these
26:42on a promotional stand
26:43by the till.
26:44I just couldn't resist them.
26:46What do you think?
26:47I don't think they'll fit you.
26:49I don't know why I got them, really.
26:51It's just they were on special
26:52and it seemed silly not to.
26:53And I suppose now
26:54we've got the socks
26:55and everything,
26:55it'd be silly
26:56not to have a baby.
26:58Well, I have to think
26:59about these things.
27:00I'm not getting any younger.
27:01Nobody gets any younger, Patricia.
27:04With the possible exception
27:05of Joan Collins.
27:06It's just a fact of life.
27:08It's all very well for you.
27:10You've been married.
27:11You've had a child.
27:12Yes, and he's the best argument
27:13I can think of
27:14for not having another.
27:16Besides which,
27:17we haven't got time
27:18to start a family.
27:20As far as it's not an occupation
27:22one can walk away from
27:23at the end of the day,
27:24I'm a police officer.
27:26You're a police officer.
27:27I am also a woman.
27:29I know that, Patricia.
27:31You must get a grip.
27:33There is no place
27:33in the Queen's uniform
27:34for ill-disciplined hormones.
27:40You do realise, Patricia,
27:43that if you hit me
27:43with that halibut,
27:45you lay yourself open
27:46to charges of assault.
27:49Give me the fish, Patricia.
27:51Give me the fish.
28:00You may think yourself lucky
28:01that we're not having
28:02a leg of lamb
28:03for supper tonight
28:04or this whole incident
28:06could have been
28:06much more serious.
28:07you may think yourself
28:08or this whole incident
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