- 9 hours ago
Charlie Tries to Prove Therapy is Legit
Charlie falls for Jen's hot new business partner, Lori (Denise Richards), only to find she thinks therapy is a scam. In the therapy group, Patrick asks Charlie to counsel the angry ghost of his mother, who he believes is haunting his apartment.
Charlie falls for Jen's hot new business partner, Lori (Denise Richards), only to find she thinks therapy is a scam. In the therapy group, Patrick asks Charlie to counsel the angry ghost of his mother, who he believes is haunting his apartment.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, Patrick, this brings up a good question.
00:02How does a pile of your boyfriend's clothes end up on fire?
00:06Ooh, I know that one.
00:07You catch him staring at your sister's ass.
00:11I'm pretty sure that wasn't Patrick's problem, Lacey.
00:14It's very simple.
00:15My mother, God rest her soul,
00:17always said that the best way to get gum out of an Angora sweater is with kerosene.
00:22Lots and lots of kerosene.
00:24Sure, and napalm gets out red wine.
00:28So, what I'm hearing is you were upset with Scott, so you lit his clothes on fire.
00:32So, why do they call you people flamers?
00:35I don't mean nothing. I'm just trying to learn here.
00:40Yes, yes, and the burning of the boyfriend's clothes
00:43has been a fabulous gay ritual since ancient times.
00:46Way back to when my great-great-great-great-grandfather boned your...
00:52I don't know, dad, I guess.
00:55That was a great quip.
00:58I can't quip.
01:01Anyway, to make a long story short,
01:03my boyfriend and I had a heart-to-heart,
01:04and he agreed to put his clothes in the hamper from now on.
01:09I think Scott and I living together is gonna work out fine.
01:12Just fine.
01:13I wish I could quip.
01:16Sort of try to think of something clever to say,
01:18and I just sort of ramble, and then by the time that I...
01:20Thank you, Nolan.
01:23Unfortunately, our time is up.
01:24Oh, but wait.
01:25I have another issue.
01:26I think my mother's ghost is haunting my apartment.
01:30Oh, you're so lucky.
01:32My mother's still alive.
01:35Patrick, we'll talk about your ghost next time.
01:38And guys, guys, guys,
01:38I know I've said it a thousand times,
01:40but if you're gonna bring up the undead,
01:42try to do so at the beginning of the session.
01:44Yeah, and we can have s'mores,
01:46like around the campfire in the backyard.
01:48Here's the ghost story.
01:51Yes, nailed the quip.
01:56Hey, Charlie.
01:57Hi.
01:58Lori will be here any minute.
01:59It's a great business idea.
02:01You're gonna love it.
02:02Yeah, I read the brochure,
02:03and I know you're hoping I was gonna invest,
02:05but I'm not sure anyone needs a manicure on wheels.
02:08Although the name Vanicures is terrible.
02:12Charlie, women have nail emergencies.
02:14Oh, no, I ruined my nail.
02:16What am I going to do?
02:18I'm on my way to a big job interview.
02:20Cool.
02:20If you get it, can we drop the alimony?
02:23Shut up.
02:23I'm in the middle of a pitch.
02:25Oh, yeah.
02:25I'm gonna call Vanicures.
02:27They come right to you and repair the nail
02:29so nobody knows you were this close to your life falling apart.
02:34So what do you think?
02:35I think if your life is falling apart
02:37because of a broken nail,
02:39you need a mobile psych ward.
02:41So you don't like it?
02:43Jen,
02:45this is a terrible, terrible idea.
02:54Hi.
02:56Hi.
02:57You must be Lori.
02:58Yes.
02:59I'm Charlie.
02:59Come on in.
03:00Thanks.
03:02Jen was just telling me about your incredibly hot business idea.
03:09Uh, yeah, it's going really well.
03:11I brought the prospectos for you to look over.
03:12Don't need to.
03:13I support the spoon in everything she does.
03:16Yeah, it's like a big open-handed slap of support.
03:19You know, Lori, I've always said that the measure of man
03:22isn't how much he's willing to do for his ex.
03:24Oh, well, Jen's lucky.
03:27My ex can be a little difficult.
03:31Nuts.
03:32I'm a total maniac.
03:35A real whack job.
03:36We get it.
03:43I don't see what the problem is.
03:44All I'm asking you to do is give me Lori's number
03:47then make a call saying how great I am.
03:49Absolutely not.
03:50Okay.
03:52Don't make a call saying how great I am.
03:53Just give me her number.
03:54Absolutely not.
03:55Okay, okay.
03:57Don't make a call saying how great I am.
03:59Don't give me her number.
03:59Just leave me your phone on the table and go grab a snack.
04:03I'm not setting you up with a business associate.
04:06Besides, you wouldn't like her.
04:07You only date empty-headed young girls.
04:09That is a gross generalization.
04:11The last girl you went out with was a boat show model
04:14who posted pictures of your junk on Twitter.
04:17Oh, I'm so touched you recognize me after all these years.
04:22Charlie, that's the kind of person you're attracted to.
04:25I'm trying to change.
04:27I'm trying to find someone more substantial.
04:29Look, I want you to be happy.
04:30Don't you want me to be happy?
04:31I'm gonna be real honest with you, Charlie.
04:33I always want to be just a little bit happier than you.
04:39Look, no matter what happens with Lori,
04:41I promise you, as long as I have you in my life,
04:43I'll always be a little more miserable than you.
04:46Charlie, that's so sweet.
04:49I am sweet.
04:50Help me share it.
04:51Fine.
04:52I'll give her a call.
04:55I won't screw up your business relationship.
04:57And if it doesn't go well with Lori, I promise,
04:59I won't do donuts on her lawn and call her a slut
05:01like I did when you and I broke up in high school.
05:03That was you?
05:04I was going with, like, three guys.
05:06That's what slut was about.
05:10And then last quarter, we doubled gross profits again.
05:13We keep exceeding expectations.
05:15And so do you.
05:17I gotta tell you, I think I'm doing great here tonight.
05:19I don't think I've ever been more charming.
05:23Wow, we've been here for four hours.
05:25I thought it was gonna be 30 minutes
05:26and then straight to the fake phone emergency.
05:29I've used that.
05:30What?
05:31Ten years in the reserves and they're calling me up now?
05:36Jenna was so wrong about you.
05:37She told me you were shallow
05:38and you'd spend the whole night staring at my chest.
05:41Why would she say that?
05:43You catch what I did there?
05:44Told a little joke and I get to stare at your chest.
05:47I don't know how you just put it all out there.
05:49Yeah, I feel like you get to a certain point.
05:51Why waste time on a bunch of BS, right?
05:53Good point.
05:54You wanna go back to my place?
05:56I'd love to, but not on the first date.
05:59We haven't even exchanged
06:00traumatic high school dating stories yet.
06:02I got dumped at prom.
06:03My boyfriend had a chain wallet.
06:04You win.
06:05Let's go back to my place.
06:07I wish I could.
06:08I have a meeting with my investors in the morning.
06:11Yeah, I have an early group therapy
06:12I gotta prepare for anyway.
06:13Oh, that's right.
06:13You're a therapist.
06:15Well, that must be fun.
06:17It can be, but anything's fun
06:19if you like what you do.
06:20Yeah, and what the hell?
06:21If people feel better when they leave,
06:22that's great.
06:24Well, that's what therapy does.
06:26I totally get it.
06:28My uncle was a magician.
06:35I'm free tomorrow night.
06:36Call me.
06:45Friggin' magician.
06:51Hey, Charlie.
06:52Say I'm ready?
06:53I thought she was with you this week.
06:55She hasn't been here all week?
06:57I'll be right down, Mom.
06:59I hate you.
07:01Well, here's your opportunity to get me back.
07:04Did Lori call?
07:05Oh, yeah.
07:08And?
07:09She said she had a great time
07:11and that you're funny.
07:12What'd you put in her drink?
07:14Did she have any attitude about my job?
07:16Because we had a great time,
07:17but at the very end,
07:18she made a little crack
07:18about what I do for a living.
07:20Oh, yeah, that.
07:21She doesn't believe in therapy.
07:22That's what I thought.
07:23It's crazy, huh?
07:24Not really.
07:25Lots of people don't believe in therapists.
07:27Lots of people think
07:28they're just a bunch of big phonies
07:29who get paid to sit and listen
07:30to whiny people
07:31who don't have the guts
07:32to get off their asses
07:33and get their crap together.
07:36Oh, how long have you been sitting on that?
07:40You look so beautiful, Lori.
07:42The food, the conversation,
07:44it's all so perfect.
07:45I just don't want this night to end.
07:48To us.
07:50You know, I thought having a Skype date
07:52was gonna be creepy and weird,
07:53but you know what?
07:53It really is.
07:55I know.
07:56I can't wait for you to get back.
07:57I don't look forward
07:58to having creepy and weird
07:59with you in person.
08:00Well, you are in luck.
08:02As soon as I get back from Chicago,
08:04I think our next date
08:04might have to include
08:05a toothbrush and pajamas.
08:07Now, I know you don't believe in therapy,
08:08but I think your healthy sexuality
08:11is a result of a close-knit family
08:12that provided a safe environment.
08:14Eh, whatever.
08:15I just want to have sex with you.
08:18Or that.
08:21I gotta go.
08:22Fly safe.
08:23I'll see you Wednesday.
08:24Can't wait.
08:25Good night.
08:25Good night.
08:33Are you late
08:34for some sort of business meeting
08:35in a swimming pool?
08:37In fact, no.
08:38I just had a cyber date with Lori.
08:40Right, right.
08:41The entrepreneur not job
08:42who doesn't believe in therapy.
08:44You still chasing that rainbow?
08:46As a matter of fact, I am.
08:48She's actually a very smart businesswoman
08:50who happens to believe
08:51that my life's work
08:52is equal to saw any woman in half.
08:55Speaking of a lack of respect,
08:57I read a great paper
08:58on humiliation this weekend
08:59and it gave me some great ideas.
09:01No, no, no.
09:01I'm sorry.
09:01I'm sorry, sweetie.
09:02I can't.
09:02I can't.
09:03I've got to invoke the rules.
09:05If one party is in proximity
09:07of a serious relationship,
09:08the other party must agree
09:09to suspend sexual relations.
09:11Man, that is gonna be
09:12the weirdest document
09:12I've ever signed
09:13in front of a notary.
09:15Fine, play this thing out.
09:17We'll have sex on Thursday.
09:19Whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:20Just because you shouldn't
09:21believe in therapy
09:21doesn't mean this relationship
09:22can't work.
09:23Fine.
09:24We'll have sex on Friday.
09:26Warning.
09:27No, no.
09:27I'm gonna prove to her
09:28that therapy is valid
09:29and then we can begin
09:30a healthy emotional relationship.
09:32Yes.
09:33And then we'll all hold hands
09:35and wish away hunger
09:36and war and meanness
09:37between people.
09:38And then I'll see you
09:39for sex on Friday.
09:41You know, we could all
09:42hold hands and wish away
09:43war and hunger anyway,
09:45you dark, cynical bitch.
09:50Are you sure it's okay
09:51that I'm sitting in
09:52on one of your sessions?
09:53Well, it's not really
09:54a session today.
09:55I invited a former patient
09:56to come talk to the group
09:57about how successful
09:58therapy's been for him.
09:59Oh, I think it's very sweet
10:00that you care enough
10:01to try to convince me
10:02that you're not stealing
10:03from these people.
10:05Well, I do care, not steal.
10:08And I think it's very sweet
10:09that you're pretending
10:10to be a person
10:10with an open mind.
10:11Well, I am.
10:12Pretending.
10:14So basically,
10:15I lost 20 years of my life
10:17to anger and self-sabotage.
10:20I lost my wife,
10:22my job,
10:23and our home.
10:25But thanks to therapy
10:28and the tools
10:29that this guy taught me,
10:31I mean, I was able
10:32to rebuild my life.
10:33I mean, it's a miracle.
10:35Well, thank you, Rodney,
10:36but let's not put me
10:37on the same level
10:37as God here.
10:38just a regular guy
10:40who does God-like things.
10:44Charlie, is it okay
10:45if I ask something?
10:46Shoot.
10:47I am really impressed, Rodney.
10:49So you don't get angry
10:51at all anymore?
10:51Oh, no.
10:53Everybody gets angry.
10:54I mean, you know,
10:55life is full of challenges.
10:57But with what I learned
10:59here in this group,
11:00I'm able to manage my anger.
11:02Did you learn anything
11:03about speeding up the process?
11:05Because it costed me
11:07a small fortune
11:08to eat bagel bites
11:09and listening to that dot head
11:10and this queer dog
11:11called me a racist
11:12and a homophobe.
11:15He never calls me anything.
11:17Just so you know,
11:18I'm half Jewish.
11:19What's the other half?
11:20French.
11:21I'll work on something.
11:24I have a question, too, Rodney.
11:27At your lowest point,
11:29did you ever feel like
11:30you were being haunted
11:31by a ghost because I've...
11:32Well said, Patrick.
11:33Don't we all have ghosts?
11:35So, Rodney,
11:36why don't you tell us
11:37about the new woman
11:37in your life?
11:39I'd rather not.
11:40Uh-oh.
11:41Sounds like trouble
11:42in paradise.
11:44Hey, Frogstein?
11:46See the dad
11:47or surrender, Berg.
11:49I'm still working on it.
11:53Is the new girl
11:54leaving you, too?
11:55Um, you know,
11:57I drove a long way
11:58to come out here
11:59and help you guys.
12:00I would think
12:01that you might
12:01back off a little.
12:03Okay.
12:04I want to thank Rodney
12:05for his time
12:06and I wish him to...
12:07She tainted on me,
12:08all right?
12:09They all do.
12:11That's how they
12:12train them in hell.
12:14I'm sure Rodney
12:15has somewhere to be right now.
12:16No, no, no.
12:17I can't check back
12:18into the shelter
12:19for another two hours.
12:20I'm all yours.
12:22What about your job?
12:23Nobody buys
12:23the paper anymore.
12:25Do you like
12:26a paper boy
12:27on a bicycle?
12:28Because that's
12:29really funny.
12:30I wrote
12:31the jumble.
12:33Why don't you
12:34tweet about that
12:35to all the other
12:37cheating little whores?
12:40Okay, Rodney,
12:41breathe.
12:42Breathe.
12:43Help me out, buddy.
12:44I'm trying to impress
12:44the girl here.
12:47You never think
12:48it's going to be
12:49your brother,
12:49you know?
12:50And then one day
12:51you walk in
12:52and I'm doing it
12:54on the table
12:55where you used
12:56to write your jumble.
12:58Punch the bubble,
12:58Rodney.
12:59Take out your
12:59and go in the bubble.
13:00No, I'm calming down.
13:02I can feel it.
13:03You son of a bitch!
13:07I gave you
13:08a kidney
13:09and you stole
13:10my wife!
13:12You stupid
13:14re-cuff!
13:15It's a jumble.
13:17Figure it out!
13:21I'm going to take off.
13:23Looks like you've got
13:24your hands full here.
13:25Call me later.
13:26This is fun.
13:31Uh,
13:33Bobo's dad.
13:39And I really thought
13:40me and Laurie
13:40might have had something.
13:42I'm sorry, Charlie.
13:44Oh, look.
13:45It's Friday.
13:47You said morning.
13:48You were wrong.
13:49I win.
13:52I'm never going
13:52to get it up tonight.
13:54I told you
13:55this would happen.
13:57My mom used to tell me
13:59a story about
13:59a fish and a duck
14:00who tried to fall in love,
14:03but it wouldn't work.
14:04because they were
14:05so different
14:06and their sexual organs
14:08wouldn't line up.
14:10There's more to it.
14:12I think
14:13a goose got involved.
14:16But
14:17the point is clear.
14:19It's not even
14:20about Laurie anymore.
14:21Maybe I am a magician.
14:22Maybe therapy is just
14:23smoking mirrors
14:24that won't hold up
14:25in the long run.
14:26Come here.
14:27I'm not in the mood.
14:28I'm not going to touch you.
14:30You said that before.
14:31Every time I get in that bed,
14:32you touch me.
14:34I promise I'm not
14:35going to touch you.
14:36I just want to make
14:37you feel better.
14:39Okay.
14:40But if you make me
14:41feel better,
14:42then I'm going to
14:42want you to touch me.
14:45Charlie,
14:46you picked a profession
14:47with lots of
14:48ups and downs.
14:51And?
14:52That's all I got.
14:53I'm going to touch you now.
14:59Hello?
15:01Patrick?
15:03Is it important?
15:04Because I'm kind of busy.
15:06None of your business.
15:09All right.
15:10I'll be right there.
15:11Where are you going?
15:13Patrick's having a crisis
15:14with his mother.
15:15He says he's seen
15:16her angry ghost.
15:17Well, I have a patient
15:18whose rabbit gives him
15:19stock tips,
15:20but you don't see me
15:21going out in the middle
15:21of the night.
15:23That's just what I do.
15:25You upset?
15:26No.
15:27Just wreck my plans
15:28to get you super horny
15:29and kick you out.
15:31That's what us
15:32dark, cynical bitches do.
15:40Thank God you came.
15:41I didn't know
15:42who else to call.
15:43My mother's ghost
15:43is really mad.
15:45She keeps rattling
15:46that lamp over there
15:47and I don't know
15:48what she's angry about.
15:48How do we know
15:49it's your mother?
15:50Does she actually speak
15:51or is she more
15:51a traditional
15:52woo kind of ghost?
15:54She's more like a
15:55you're a disappointment,
15:56I expected more
15:57kind of ghost.
16:00Is there anything
16:00that happened
16:01that she would be
16:02disappointed about?
16:02That woman would be
16:03disappointed in a rainbow.
16:05Strikes are very
16:06unflattering.
16:09I mean recently.
16:11Well, she died.
16:12A lot of people
16:12have issues with that.
16:14I don't know
16:15what it is.
16:16She won't tell me.
16:17Maybe she'll tell me.
16:20Hello.
16:21Patrick's mom.
16:22Don't say mom!
16:23She hated being called mom.
16:25She said it was
16:25very inelegant
16:26to have children.
16:28What do you think
16:28about bringing that up
16:29in therapy?
16:29It's kind of a big point.
16:31Just call her Mona
16:32and whatever you do,
16:34don't tell her you love her.
16:36I wasn't planning on it.
16:39Hello, Mona.
16:41Put on a British accent.
16:42All her lovers were British.
16:45I don't want to be your lover.
16:47If you want her to answer
16:48you, just do it.
16:49Fine.
16:54Hello, Mona.
16:57Do you work at the docks?
16:58Upscale British.
17:00I'm not doing this.
17:01Let's think about
17:02what was making her angry.
17:03What were you doing
17:04right before she appeared?
17:05At a fight with Scott.
17:07Oh, my God.
17:08Do you think
17:08this is about Scott?
17:10Why would Mona
17:10be angry about Scott?
17:12Well, maybe because
17:14she thinks he moved in
17:15too soon.
17:15Ask her if she wants me
17:16to tell him to move out.
17:18Why are we asking Mona?
17:20Is that what you want?
17:21I don't know.
17:23She always handled
17:24these things in my life.
17:27Your mother handled
17:28your relationships?
17:30Doesn't everybody's?
17:32No.
17:33Although my mom
17:33tried to set me up
17:34with my second cousin once.
17:35I had to draw a chart
17:36to show why it was wrong,
17:37but this isn't about me.
17:39It sounds like you had
17:41a codependent relationship
17:42with your mother.
17:42I don't know about codependent.
17:44And she did make
17:45my decisions for me,
17:46and I was her only friend.
17:49Patrick, you're obviously
17:50upset about Scott moving in,
17:52and you're manifesting
17:53that through your mother's ghost.
17:54I think you know
17:55what you have to do.
17:56Adopt a baby
17:57to save the relationship.
17:59Oh.
18:00You all want to think
18:00about living alone
18:01for a while
18:01and making your own decisions.
18:04That's part of the reason
18:04you're passive-aggressive.
18:05You've never made
18:06your own choices.
18:08So you've always said
18:09what you really felt
18:09out of the side of your mouth.
18:10So there's no Mona?
18:13No.
18:16But how do you explain that?
18:18It's right next to the vent,
18:20and the air just kicked on.
18:22Oh.
18:24I moved it there yesterday,
18:25so I guess that's not
18:27my grandmother
18:27in the dishwasher either.
18:30I know.
18:33I'll see you on Thursday.
18:34You're a good therapist.
18:42Would you call what I do
18:43almost like magic?
18:44Not really.
18:46Good.
18:48Boy, Mona.
18:50Okay, now you're just
18:51making fun of me.
18:52You got me there, matey.
18:55Okay, now you're just a pirate.
18:58And I realized
18:59the whole Rodney thing
19:00was a disaster.
19:01But the next day
19:02I had a great breakthrough
19:03with another one of my patients.
19:04And I realized
19:05I can't prove to you
19:05that there's a...
19:06Charlie, it doesn't matter.
19:08I think it's really cute
19:09you've tried,
19:09but you don't have
19:09to prove anything to me.
19:11I can get past it
19:12if you can.
19:13That's what I came here
19:14to tell you.
19:15I don't care if I'm a fish
19:17and you're a duck.
19:18I think if we work hard enough,
19:19we can get our genitals
19:21to line up.
19:23Okay, that was weird.
19:25Um, I get it,
19:26and I agree.
19:27It's like the great
19:28Paula Abdul once said,
19:29opposites attract.
19:31The great Paula Abdul?
19:33Wait, you don't like her?
19:35Well, sure I do,
19:36but I've reserved
19:37the word great
19:37for people like
19:38Nelson Mandela
19:39and Mother Teresa.
19:40And Paula Abdul.
19:43So, totally open-minded here.
19:45The breakthrough you had
19:46with your patient,
19:47what was it?
19:48Yeah, you gotta think
19:49it's silly.
19:49I saw a guy beat up
19:50a plastic man with a log.
19:52Tell me.
19:53Okay.
19:54He thought he had a ghost.
19:56Really?
19:58So, did he?
19:59Of course not.
20:01Oh.
20:02Because my aunt
20:03has one in her house,
20:04and I've always
20:04wanted to meet him.
20:06So, you believe in ghosts?
20:07Yeah.
20:08But not in therapy?
20:09No.
20:11Okay, okay, okay.
20:13You know what?
20:13I don't believe in ghosts,
20:14you don't believe in therapy,
20:15but we can get past that, too.
20:17We sure can.
20:18I'm Aquarius.
20:18I'm easygoing.
20:20So, you believe in astrology?
20:22I don't make a move
20:22without it.
20:24But you don't believe
20:24in therapy?
20:25No.
20:28Okay, you know what?
20:28I don't care.
20:29I like you, you like me,
20:30let's go back to my place.
20:31I knew you'd ask.
20:33I'm a little psychic.
20:35Awesome.
20:36So, then you know
20:37what we're gonna do.
20:38Yeah, I do.
20:40And by the way,
20:42I don't believe
20:42in birth control.
20:49Well,
20:51I made it to Saturday.
21:00I made it to Saturday.
21:23I made it to Saturday.
21:28I made it to Saturday.
21:28I made it to Saturday.
21:30I made it to Saturday.
21:32I made it to Saturday.
21:35I made it to Saturday.
21:36And I did not realize
21:36and eine 정확h貸し
21:36So, begin with my phone call
21:50with phone call
21:50and I woke up
21:50Thank you sir,
21:55.
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