- 18 minutes ago
Charlie and Kate Battle Over a Patient
A long-standing rivalry over who's a better therapist leads to problems when Patrick, one of Charlie's group patients, decides to leave and see Kate instead.
A long-standing rivalry over who's a better therapist leads to problems when Patrick, one of Charlie's group patients, decides to leave and see Kate instead.
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TVTranscript
00:01Then my wife bought a TV recorder so she can fast forward past the commercials.
00:06Well, I like commercials. They tell me what to buy.
00:10I'd tell you to buy another TV, Ed.
00:12But I guess you wouldn't know which one to get since you haven't seen the commercials.
00:15I don't know what's new. I don't know what's improved.
00:18I don't know what's for a limited time only.
00:21Your days on this planet can't even move on.
00:25You don't need the commercials, Ed. I think there's more underneath this.
00:28Oh, fascinating stuff. I showed Russell Brand a hundred pairs of skinny jeans today.
00:33He ends up buying jeggings. Can I talk now?
00:38Hold that thought, Patrick. Ed, what do you think is really underneath your anger?
00:41Yeah, say it. Get it out. Get mad. Yell.
00:47Nolan, just because you vicariously enjoy other people's anger doesn't mean you should prod them.
00:51I'm sorry.
00:58Also, you're not invisible.
01:03I think we all know what Ed's really angry about.
01:06Just get to the brown people, old man.
01:08It's always about the brown people.
01:10It's not about the brown people, brown girl.
01:14I just like commercials.
01:17I've cried twice in the last 20 years.
01:20One of them was about a commercial.
01:21It was the one with those puppies and that Chinese kid.
01:25I don't know whether they were trying to sell the puppies of the Chinese kid.
01:30But if that one don't get to you, you're a freaking robot.
01:35Hey, he fooled us. He went yellow people.
01:38No, no, no, no. This is good. Ed's finally expressing some vulnerability.
01:42It's peppered with racism.
01:44But therapy is a marathon, not a sprint.
01:47Well, either way, some kid from Kenya's gonna win it.
01:52Are you done?
01:53Good. Fine. My turn.
01:55Sorry, Patrick. We're gonna have to call it a day. Great session, gang.
01:58What?
02:03Well, we certainly learned a lot about Ed today, didn't we?
02:07That's the interim group. Next time, it'll be your turn.
02:09Oh, no, no, no. We don't need to talk about me.
02:11After all, there is no I in therapy.
02:13There's just a why. As in, why do I bother?
02:18Because of the P, which stands for the progress you're making,
02:20and the H, which stands for, hey, I'll see you next week.
02:24Hey, now.
02:26Hi.
02:27Uh, am I allowed to say hi to him?
02:29No, no. Just ignore me. That's what we're doing today.
02:36Sorry, Charlie. I should have brought Sam in the back door.
02:38I forgot you were doing group at your house.
02:40You know, they look just like regular people.
02:44So do you.
02:46By the way, you owe me 20 bucks.
02:48For what?
02:49That's your half of the SAT prep books we just bought for Sam.
02:53SAT prep books?
02:54Mm-hmm.
02:56You're in middle school. You don't take that test for another four years.
02:58The competition is unreal.
03:00I read that Asian Americans only make up 5.6% of the population,
03:04but they make up 25% of the kids in the top 10 schools.
03:07Do you know how many times more likely they are to get into a good school than I am?
03:12No, but if I were an Asian kid, I could probably figure it out.
03:16Look, you want to stand down?
03:19Get some extracurricular activities. Start a club.
03:22Yeah, I was in a club in high school.
03:24Smoking in the bathroom is not a club.
03:27The vice principal said it was a club. He should know he was there.
03:32I have an idea. What about a college prep club?
03:35You and the rest of your nerd army can get together and talk about the tests, the applications, the personal
03:39essays.
03:40Personal essays?
03:41What am I going to write about?
03:43The worst thing that's happened to me is you're a divorce and you guys insist on getting along.
03:48Listen, kiddo, everything is going to be fine.
03:51When the time comes, you're going to be totally prepared to do what you need to do.
03:55You really think so?
03:56Nah, it's a load of crap my dad laid on me.
03:59Now I'm passing it on to you.
04:05Sam, you forgot a book.
04:06Oh, no, no, no, no. That's okay. I'll give it to her.
04:09Give it to her.
04:14Sabrina's Satin Surrender.
04:17This is yours, isn't it?
04:18It's a historical novel set against the backdrop of the Civil War.
04:23One woman's heroic journey to find true love and defend her land amidst the ashes of a bitter conflagration.
04:31No, that's gone with the wind.
04:33This is just a spank book.
04:36It is not a spank book.
04:37How about a little support? I'm just trying to broaden my horizons.
04:42Okay, let's see how broad your horizons get in chapter two.
04:47Her breathing quickened as she felt his turgid manhood urge itself against her satin skirts.
04:53These weren't the soft hands of an aristocrat.
04:55They were the calloused hands of a man who knew the plow.
04:59And plow he does.
05:01Oh, give me that. You're making it dirty.
05:04It is dirty.
05:05Okay, you're making it creepy.
05:07All I'm saying is why don't you read something worthwhile?
05:09There's so many great books you haven't read.
05:11Like, all of them.
05:14It's just harmless fun.
05:15Like all those women you were with when we were married.
05:19Wow.
05:19What are you reading?
05:20Just took a nasty turn.
05:24Let's start over.
05:27Oh, just a historical novel about the Civil War. Good for you, Jen.
05:31Thanks, Charlie.
05:33I'm gonna tell you who wins.
05:34Oh, I know who wins.
05:36Every soldier who comes in contact with Sabrina.
05:46I know, it's just a stupid romance novel, but I can't let it go.
05:50Well, it's not unusual for a woman to be stimulated by reading.
05:54You know, men and women are wired differently.
05:56Men are visual, and women are, you know, smart.
06:02Hey, we're not only stimulated by dirty pictures.
06:05We're not that crude.
06:07If you're worried about me seeing your thighs, don't be.
06:10Last night, I used them as earmuffs.
06:13You know, I cannot wear this skirt to a televised trial.
06:15You know, I mean, I am whoring myself out as an expert witness,
06:19but I don't want to look like one of those hookers
06:21this whack job killed.
06:23Allegedly.
06:24Damn it.
06:24I have to remember to say allegedly.
06:27I remember to think twice about whack job as well.
06:30What is going on with me?
06:32Maybe a romance novel followed me as a child.
06:36More likely you're hostile towards these novels
06:38because they hold men to an unrealistic standard
06:40you feel you can't compete with.
06:42You know what?
06:43I think you're right.
06:48Why are you taking off your pants?
06:50So we can have sex.
06:52We don't have sex during sessions.
06:54I thought we were done.
06:55You used Allport's concept of expressive behavior
06:57to explain what I was doing.
06:58I had an epiphany.
07:00You got half naked, I got another epiphany.
07:03Carly, now that I'm your therapist
07:04and not just your sex buddy,
07:06we need to keep our sessions free of distractions.
07:08And for the record, it wasn't Allport.
07:11It was Harlow.
07:12Sure, it was Harlow.
07:13We're talking about monkeys being raised by sock puppets.
07:17Otherwise, it was Allport.
07:19Why did they even let you graduate?
07:21It was Harlow.
07:22You ready to put your body where your mouth is?
07:24Well, I wouldn't need you if I could do that.
07:27But you're on.
07:29You're on.
07:30Winner picks position.
07:32Done.
07:34You never learn.
07:36I guess Google wants you to do a reverse cowgirl.
07:40I'll be buying you in.
07:41I don't care.
07:42Just help me figure out something to wear to the trial
07:44and then, yeehaw.
07:47Sorry.
07:48Gloating's over.
07:49There's a patient of mine who's a personal shopper.
07:51Patrick.
07:52I'll text you his number.
07:53He can't make you smarter than me, but he can make you look great.
07:58Oh, I guess the gloating wasn't over.
08:04So, we have to take as many AP classes as we can,
08:07because if we don't end up in the top fifth percentile,
08:10we fail in life.
08:12Who cares if I get into a good college?
08:14The only reason I'm going at all is so I can partake in underage drinking
08:17and have lots of protected consensual sex.
08:19Lots.
08:21This immature attitude is exactly what I want to rise above with this club.
08:25Sam, we know you're worried that you'll never have sex
08:28because of your OCD stuff.
08:30But it's okay.
08:31We'll all share our stories with you.
08:33You're right.
08:34I will never have sex.
08:37Because I've already made love.
08:40With who? You've never even been to camp.
08:44No.
08:46But I've been to my Aunt Sabrina's horse farm,
08:49and that's where I met a stable boy named Beauregard.
08:52I called him...
08:57...Beau.
09:01We were on vacation,
09:03and I decided to cool off in the lake.
09:08As I emerged, my moist skin glistened like diamonds in the moonlight.
09:14He approached.
09:15Was he wearing a condom?
09:16Yes.
09:17He was standing in the middle of the woods wearing nothing but a condom.
09:20You're an idiot.
09:22Then what?
09:23He pulled me to him, and I felt the...
09:28...hard shape of his arousal.
09:31Then we rode back to the farm, and he encouraged me to take a lot of AP classes so that
09:35we could meet it again at a good college.
09:38That is so unfair.
09:39I went to my uncle's horse farm, and all I did was shovel crap all summer.
09:45Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.
09:48We can get started.
09:50I guess Patrick should be here any minute.
09:53What's Patrick even doing in this group?
09:57Passive aggressiveness is not anger.
10:00My day we called it being on the rag.
10:04There are 12 major kinds of anger, Ed.
10:07And congratulations with your display of misogynistic homophobia.
10:10You've collected the whole set.
10:14Oh, come on, guys. We've talked about this.
10:17You're supposed to turn your phones off before group.
10:19It's a text from Patrick.
10:20I got one, too. He's quitting group.
10:22What?
10:23Mine's ringing, but there's nobody on the other end.
10:26He said, text your old man.
10:30Holy crap. I've got 70 of these things.
10:34I have Patrick quitting, all right?
10:37Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed.
10:40But I'm not surprised that Patrick would text everybody and leave me out.
10:44Classic passive-aggressive behavior.
10:47Oh.
10:48Here we go.
10:50Please tell Lacey, Nolan, and even Ed that I will miss them.
10:54Respectfully, Patrick.
10:56You didn't say respectfully, did he?
11:00Uh, let me check. No.
11:05Okay, how many of you were able to keep your kittens alive over the weekend?
11:13Okay, I guess we'll stop doing this one.
11:17We have a success story.
11:19We could use one of those. Why don't you tell us what happened?
11:21Well, see, our anniversary's coming up, so I made a nice, fresh batch of toilet wine, and I got some
11:27Little Debbie snacks, and my brother smuggled in some coke to make the toilet wine seem good, and somebody stole
11:33my Little Debbie snacks.
11:34I'm seeing my baby so upset, almost sipping into a blind rage.
11:39And the success story?
11:41Oh, yeah, well, well, Cleo talked me down.
11:44I went through his steps, and we ended up having the best anniversary ever.
11:50See, it turns out that I had misplaced my Little Debbie's.
11:53That was in my ass the whole time.
11:57Always the last place you look.
12:02You know, I'm going through something similar right now.
12:06I lost something, and I'm having some emotions about it.
12:09What'd you lose, boss?
12:10Actually, it was a patient from my private group.
12:12We worked together for years to get him to a better place, and he just up and left.
12:16And I'm feeling a little disrespected.
12:18I got a story that might help you out.
12:20A couple years ago, this girl left me.
12:23I felt totally disrespected.
12:25Turns out, my friend stole her from me.
12:28It made me very angry.
12:30But I thought to myself, he's a good friend.
12:32He probably had a good reason.
12:34Long story short, I killed him.
12:38I killed him both.
12:45Thank you, Wayne.
12:46That is a terrifying story.
12:49Man, Charlie, in a game, somebody leaves, you track them down.
12:55But you'll never go to the house.
12:57Because they're never going to show up at the house.
12:59You just burn that down.
13:02And go straight to they work.
13:04I can't go to his work.
13:06It's an invasion of privacy.
13:08It can jeopardize our confidentiality.
13:09But the whole left you.
13:15You know what?
13:17I'm going to go to his work.
13:18I deserve an explanation.
13:19Yeah.
13:20Then you kill him.
13:23Then you kill anybody who saw you.
13:33Hello, Patrick.
13:35Charlie.
13:37Well, this isn't wildly inappropriate, you showing up at my work.
13:42No one here knows who I am.
13:43I didn't come to embarrass you.
13:45Then why are you wearing that shirt?
13:48Now, goodbye, Charlie.
13:49I only talk to customers.
13:50If you think that's going to get rid of me, it's not.
13:52I'll buy a shirt.
13:55How about this one?
13:57Yeah, I got to stop wearing these anyway.
13:59They don't breathe.
14:00They stink.
14:02I think I'll just chuck it.
14:05I know why you're here, Charlie.
14:06And just so you know, my new therapist says the best thing to do is make a clean break.
14:10Is this about you feeling ignored at the last meeting?
14:13Because that was a conscious effort on my part not to...
14:16New therapist?
14:19Is it Kate?
14:20Look, I'm a challenging case.
14:22I just needed a different level of expertise or any expertise at all.
14:28Is it Kate?
14:29Now, this is really a better shirt for you.
14:31Now, you almost look professional.
14:33Come on.
14:34I know you're dying to tell me.
14:36But you won't because your pattern is to be manipulative in a hurtful way that allows you not to be
14:40called out on your anger.
14:41You know what? Kate doesn't do as much as the blah blah.
14:45I knew it.
14:47She stole you.
14:48You were just supposed to dress her.
14:49That's it.
14:51And I did it brilliantly.
14:52The woman has boy hips and monkey arms and I made it work.
14:56You're making a mistake.
14:57You need to continue with me.
14:59Need?
14:59You have no idea what I need.
15:02Look, I will also say that Kate is a highly trained professional and certainly a most capable therapist.
15:07Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go.
15:11I'm having dinner with the monkey-armed bitch.
15:19Look, I got the good table.
15:21That's great.
15:23Did you steal it from somebody else?
15:25After they spent years on it trying to make it a better, more well-adjusted table?
15:30Okay, I know what you're thinking, but I would never do that to you.
15:33It was 100% Patrick's decision.
15:36I'm sorry.
15:37I wasn't listening.
15:37That outfit is fabulous.
15:39It makes your arms look almost human.
15:42Are you feeling angry?
15:44Don't therapize me right now.
15:45We're talking as buddies.
15:47Oh, and buddy, that was a real dick move you pulled.
15:50Charlie, we're both professionals.
15:52Hey, people change therapists all the time.
15:55This is payback for me being right about the Alport thing.
15:58And by the way, you're completely undoing Patrick's therapy.
16:01So, ignoring him was therapy?
16:03Oh, so, yes it was.
16:06He was seeking attention in a passive-aggressive way and I wasn't going to reward that.
16:10What you're doing is going to make him completely backslide.
16:12Okay, I understand you are frustrated and I give you permission to physicalize your anger appropriately within the environment.
16:20You give me permission.
16:22I don't need permission to do this.
16:34If you could attack me with some salt necks, that would be very helpful.
16:40You do understand, this means war.
16:43Sorry, nothing compared to what you guys do.
16:46Thanks for that, by the way.
16:48This means intense conflict.
16:52Eh, it's not the same.
16:57God!
16:59Damn it!
17:05Charlie, I need to talk to you.
17:07We have a problem.
17:09Why can't you ever come in here and say, Charlie, we have a solution?
17:13It's Sam.
17:14She's talking about sex during her college prep club meetings.
17:17Finally, some real college prep.
17:20Hope they cover her to make a bong out of an apple and not to hump quietly in a bunk
17:23bed.
17:24Rule number one, always take the bottom bunk.
17:27Charlie, your daughter's talking about her own sexual encounters.
17:31But she hasn't had any.
17:33Well, according to the other parents, she's talking about swimming naked and loins and erections.
17:38Loins and erections.
17:39Sam!
17:41You know, if Sam's had sex, it certainly didn't happen on my watch.
17:45You know, I did drop her off at that skinny dipping erection party last week.
17:48Was that bad?
17:51What's up?
17:53I'm in a prep club meeting.
17:55Sweetie, we've heard that you're telling all your friends that you're having sex.
17:58What's going on, Sam?
17:59One of the girls said that I was never going to have sex, so I made up a story.
18:03But don't worry.
18:04I'm going to wait until I'm 25, just like Mom did.
18:15Let's get back to the stuff Sam made up.
18:18It was just stuff I read.
18:20Aha!
18:21You see what happens when you leave filth lying around the house?
18:24Hey, I don't have one single piece of filth in this house.
18:26I got rid of all that when I bought my nook.
18:29Mom, it was one of your books, Sabrina's Satin Surrender.
18:39Okay.
18:40Now we know where it came from.
18:41It's not the end of the world.
18:43Sorry.
18:44Look, this isn't about blame.
18:46You felt peer pressure to oppress your friends.
18:48We all do that.
18:49I guess the only other thing I have to say is, aha!
18:54Sam, go back and send your friends home for tonight.
18:56We'll talk about this when they're gone.
18:58Thank God it's over.
18:59Beauregard died like four chapters ago,
19:01and all I've been doing is planting cotton and raising the kids.
19:08Maybe I should get a nook.
19:12So it is a turn on.
19:14Yes.
19:15It's the way women wish they were treated.
19:18A woman loves it when the guy comes back and fights for her,
19:22sweeps her off her feet and takes her.
19:24Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
19:24So it's about making someone feel wanted with a dramatic display of intense emotion.
19:28Yes, Mr. Spock.
19:31He's doing it because he has to have her.
19:33It's about the passion, being overwhelmed.
19:37That's irresistible to women.
19:38But you'll never hear a girl say it because it sounds kind of rapey.
19:46Patrick.
19:47Charlie, what are you doing here?
19:50The case all wrong for you.
19:52I need you back and I need you back now.
19:53I don't think.
19:54Don't think.
19:55There is nothing but this moment.
19:57You are coming back to group.
19:59You will be in that chair tomorrow.
20:00And if you need extra attention, you'll pay me and we'll do a private.
20:04Okay.
20:06I'll see you in session.
20:08Wait, you're not even going to carry me off?
20:10I have a tendon from my ass and my knee and I don't want to test it.
20:19Hey.
20:20Hey.
20:21I just got a text from Patrick.
20:23I understand he's back with you and I'm okay with that.
20:26Good.
20:27You coming in?
20:28It's up to you.
20:29You know how much I hate apologizing.
20:32And so here's the deal.
20:33You can either have me or you can have an apology.
20:36Can I have a peek under that coat?
20:39Only if you don't pick apology.
20:42Let me say, it's like nothing you've ever seen.
20:45Are we talking topiary?
20:46The piercing?
20:47Just pick sex.
20:49Well, not so fast.
20:50You're not going to sucker me into this one.
20:52As a matter of fact, since you offered the apology, I know you already feel that you were wrong.
20:55So I don't need an apology.
20:57I'll take you.
20:58Very nice.
20:59Pennington's theory of anticipatory reasoning.
21:03You did that on purpose, didn't you?
21:06What?
21:07Well, you said Pennington, but you know it's Wilmington.
21:10Okay.
21:10Okay.
21:10Fine.
21:11Pennington.
21:12I don't care.
21:15I don't care.
21:18I don't care.
21:19I don't care.
21:21I don't care.
21:22I don't care.
21:23I don't care.
21:23I don't care.
21:26I don't care.
21:27I don't care.
21:29I don't care.
21:29I don't care.
21:29I don't care.
21:30I don't care.
21:30I don't care.
21:31I don't care.
21:31I don't care.
21:34I don't care.
21:40I don't care.
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