- 2 days ago
Charlie's Dad Visits
Charlie gets an unexpected visit from his father, (played by Sheen's real-life father Martin Sheen), who tells him he wants to move in with him. In the therapy group, Charlie attempts to help Lacey with road rage.
Charlie gets an unexpected visit from his father, (played by Sheen's real-life father Martin Sheen), who tells him he wants to move in with him. In the therapy group, Charlie attempts to help Lacey with road rage.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, Ed, I know recently you've been having some anger over not being able to find a post-retirement job.
00:05How's that going?
00:06I worked 45 years supervising 200 people in waste management,
00:10and I can't even get a job as a Walmart greeter.
00:14And may hire handicaps and whatever else tumbles off the short bus.
00:21I'd like to say something as a person with a job.
00:23You're lucky not to have one.
00:25I'd trade places with you in a second if you weren't a creepy old man.
00:30It sounds like you're having some issues with your new job, Lacey.
00:32You want to talk about it?
00:32It's bad enough that my mother makes me work to get my trust fund check.
00:36But the job starts in the morning.
00:39Have you ever woken up in the morning?
00:42It's horrible.
00:44The sun's in the wrong place.
00:48You may not believe this, but most people wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.
00:54It started in the 40s when they were rationing daylight during World War II.
00:58The worst part is sitting in traffic for hours.
01:01It's like waiting in line at a club, except when you get to the end, there's no dancing.
01:06There's just me selling blush at Sephora.
01:09Ain't nothing going to fix that face, bitch.
01:12After they buy makeup from you, they buy clothes from me.
01:14Nothing is going to fix those hips, bitch.
01:17Then the bitch comes home to me.
01:21And I have to pay the credit card bill.
01:25And that's how America works.
01:29Well, great session, everybody.
01:30See you all tomorrow.
01:31I just realized I'm not a part of how America works.
01:41Oh, hey, Lacey, before you go, I'm worried about how rush hour traffic might affect you.
01:46How have you been dealing with that?
01:47Pretty well.
01:48I just take it out on all the other drivers around me.
01:51Yesterday, I bumper-tapped a minivan into an intersection.
01:55You're on probation.
01:56If you get arrested for road rage, they will put you in prison.
01:59I know.
02:00I should probably see somebody about that.
02:03Lacey, where are you right now?
02:07I'm...
02:09Oh, okay.
02:13How about I go out driving with you in the morning traffic?
02:15I can show you some techniques how to diffuse your anger on the road.
02:18Okay.
02:19Pick me up at nine.
02:20No, no, no, no.
02:21You're going to drive.
02:22Ugh, in that traffic?
02:26Hey, we got to figure out a schedule for your dad's visit.
02:29Dad's visit?
02:30Who's he visiting?
02:31Us?
02:32You?
02:33Tomorrow?
02:34What?
02:35He didn't call you?
02:36He's been calling a week, but I didn't answer.
02:38Not talking to him is so much easier if I don't pick up the phone.
02:43Well, he's coming in tomorrow and he's staying with you.
02:46Of course he's coming now.
02:48You know why?
02:48He knows I'm happy.
02:50He could smell it all the way from Ohio.
02:52Maybe he just wants to see you.
02:54You know, he's getting older.
02:56He's not going to be around forever.
02:58Stop trying to cheer me up.
03:02I'm happy.
03:03I'm happy.
03:04Wow.
03:06Candles.
03:07Romantic.
03:08That's not what we do.
03:11This is purely sexual.
03:12I just read a study about which smells increase male arousal.
03:16This one's vanilla.
03:17That one's cinnamon.
03:19That one's donut.
03:21Smells like a stripper standing in a Krispy Kreme.
03:25I like it.
03:34I don't want to see my father.
03:35Is that so horrible?
03:38Well, if you're imagining him right now, it is.
03:42He drives me nuts.
03:44I don't want him in my house.
03:46Let's take a moment and get past this.
03:49Okay, if I were your father, what would you say to me right now?
03:53Dad, that's not the bra you usually wear.
03:56Come on, serious.
03:57What would you say?
03:58I wouldn't say anything because he doesn't listen.
04:00He just criticizes.
04:02He shows no affection whatsoever.
04:04The guy's never hugged me.
04:05I can't do right by him.
04:06I can't talk to him.
04:07I can't...
04:08I can't breathe.
04:11Okay.
04:12You're hyperventilating.
04:13Put your head between your knees.
04:17It's not working.
04:18Okay.
04:19Put your head between my knees.
04:22That only relaxes you.
04:28Hey, Charlie.
04:29I got us tickets to take your dad to the Dodger game on Friday.
04:32Does that sound good?
04:32Well, great.
04:33We can get him one of those giant foam hands to poke me with
04:35while he reminds me how I screwed up my baseball career.
04:38That catcher could have been you.
04:40Poke.
04:43Will you stop anticipating problems?
04:46I don't anticipate problems with my dad.
04:48I anticipate disasters.
04:50You watch.
04:51He'll walk through that door, warn him and acknowledge me.
04:53And then no matter what I do, he'll find a way to complain about it.
04:56That's a problem, not a disaster.
04:59No, it will be when it destroys everything with this heat vision.
05:03Is Grandpa here yet?
05:05Not yet, honey.
05:06You know, I don't think I've ever hung out with you and Grandpa at the same time.
05:09Maybe they're the same person.
05:11I didn't even joke about that.
05:18Charlie!
05:20Oh, all right.
05:28Charlie.
05:30Hey, Dad.
05:32Come here.
05:38Here you go, Dad.
05:38Yeah.
05:39Imported, huh?
05:41I know you like Bud, but I've been so busy working the past few days, I didn't have time
05:45to go to the store.
05:45You know, I don't like imported beer.
05:49But this is delicious.
05:55And now to you.
05:57Yes.
05:57You know, every time I see you, you get more and more beautiful.
06:00Oh, Martin.
06:02I used to think you were a shameless flirt.
06:03But now I know you're just telling the truth.
06:07I always thought Charlie was an idiot for letting you get away.
06:10Here we go.
06:11But you two seem happier now than when you were married.
06:15You're a good man, Charlie Goodson.
06:17You took a bad situation and you made it work.
06:20And?
06:22And I'm proud of you.
06:26Sam, why don't you show me why I'm bunking?
06:29All right.
06:31Good night, Dad.
06:32Good night.
06:33It's so good to see you.
06:35Both of you.
06:43Good night, guys.
06:45Good night.
06:48I know how this story ends.
06:50I call his wife in Ohio and she says,
06:52How can you be with your father?
06:53He died five years ago.
06:59I'm not buying it.
07:00Nobody changes that much.
07:02Maybe he's mellowed out.
07:03You're a therapist.
07:04You're supposed to believe that human beings can change.
07:06I do believe that human beings can change.
07:08None of that applies to my father.
07:11I think you're overreacting.
07:13I'll prove it to you.
07:14He's not just critical of me.
07:15He'll come down on anybody who disagrees with him.
07:17Religion, politics.
07:19He'll always find a way to make it feel like you're wrong.
07:21Charlie, I don't want to be a part of this.
07:22Something smells good.
07:25Oh, good morning.
07:26Good morning, Dad.
07:27Sit down.
07:28Made breakfast.
07:28Coffee's brewing.
07:29Who's my neighbor?
07:30Michael.
07:30Michael?
07:31Good to meet you.
07:32You too.
07:32We were just talking about how active you were in the unions.
07:35Yes, indeed.
07:36Unions are the foundation.
07:37Middle class.
07:38Michael doesn't believe in unions.
07:40He says they cut into corporate profits.
07:43I did?
07:45Well, you know, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.
07:48Tell you the truth, since I retired, I've been keeping my eye on the stock market as well.
07:54Really?
07:54Michael also said the Democrats are screwing up the country.
07:57I have got to get to work.
08:00I don't think they screw you up.
08:02Of course, if I was president, there are probably a few things I'd do differently.
08:07You, as president?
08:09I just can't picture it.
08:11Thank you, Charlie.
08:13Michael also said...
08:14Your son has a girl that he just calls for sex.
08:16They're not in love.
08:16They're never getting married.
08:17It's just sex, sex, sex.
08:21Is that true, Charlie?
08:23As a matter of fact, it is.
08:25Well, then, it's a good thing you're not getting married, because a loveless marriage is a tragedy in the eyes
08:30of God.
08:33Speaking of God, I don't believe in him.
08:35Oh, boy.
08:37Or her.
08:38Oh, God.
08:40I struggle with that myself sometimes.
08:43But every time I look in your eyes, I know that he or she exists.
08:49Well, good meeting you, Michael.
08:51I hope you'll forgive me, but, uh, I don't want to misjudge duty.
08:58Well, Charlie, you proved it.
09:00You're an ungrateful little snot.
09:02Now, give me my breakfast.
09:04This black Republican union buster needs his energy.
09:12This is why I hate traffic.
09:15Just relax.
09:15It'll start moving here in a minute.
09:17There's a carpool lane.
09:18Why can't they have a separate lane for attractive people with fast little cars?
09:22Okay.
09:22This is obviously an anger trigger for you.
09:24Remember your techniques.
09:25Use imagery.
09:26Think of this fiat as your bubble of calm.
09:28And just breathe.
09:29Okay.
09:31Open your eyes when you breathe.
09:34You're freaking me out.
09:36Sorry.
09:37Sorry.
09:38Why don't we just talk?
09:40So, I didn't know I was going to meet your dad this morning.
09:44He seems like such a nice guy.
09:46Yeah, thanks.
09:47Mm-hmm.
09:48He's like the nicest old man I've ever met.
09:51He's like Santa without a beard.
09:54All right.
09:58Whoa.
09:59I came out of nowhere with no warning.
10:03Dad, relax.
10:04What are you doing?
10:05You're totally bursting my fiat bubble.
10:08I mean, come on.
10:09Look at his bumper stickers.
10:11Coexist.
10:12Visualize world peace.
10:13You want everyone to think you're nice?
10:15But I know the truth, jerk face.
10:19Dude, what are you doing?
10:21I'm sorry.
10:25Let my dad get the best of me.
10:29Yeah, perfect.
10:31It's okay.
10:32Let me handle this.
10:33Girls.
10:35You're on.
10:38It's a chick.
10:40Please be a lesbian.
10:41Please be a lesbian.
10:42Please be a lesbian.
10:48That's a heck of an idea, Martin.
10:52What's a heck of an idea?
10:54Oh, your daddy and I were just chewing the fat talking about how hard it is to get a job
10:58at our age.
10:59And I was talking about my road rage issues and how I should probably hire a driver before I accidentally
11:04kill somebody, because I really want to kill somebody.
11:08Well, I just thought maybe she could toss Ed a few bucks and he could drive her around.
11:12Oh, yeah, Dad.
11:13It's a nice idea, but Lacey and Ed have a very complex dynamic, and there's a lot of emotional ramifications
11:18to an arrangement like that.
11:19How's 20 bucks an hour?
11:20I'll do it for 30.
11:2250 if you want to listen to that Arab music while I'm driving.
11:27Whatever.
11:27It's my mom's money, and I'm Indian.
11:30White people work for us now.
11:33Well, I got to go.
11:35Really nice meeting you.
11:36I hope you all get well soon.
11:38Hey, Dad, where do you go?
11:40I have a big favor to ask.
11:42Sure.
11:44You want me happy, right?
11:45That's all I've ever wanted for you, Charlie.
11:48Of course.
11:50Would you be willing to see my therapist with me and maybe talk some things out?
11:55Is everything okay?
11:57No.
11:58Dad, everything's not okay.
12:01Well, okay.
12:02But, you know, I've never been in therapy before.
12:05Why would you have to?
12:09So, Charlie, you said some things about your dad.
12:12Can you give me an example of what you mean by distant, hypercritical, fascist?
12:21Okay, little league game.
12:22Nine years old.
12:23I was so desperate to make you proud of me.
12:26Fourth inning, I dropped the pop fly.
12:28You stood up and stared at me with a look of disgust.
12:31Turned your back and left.
12:33I would never do that to you.
12:34Don't you remember what happened?
12:36Your cousin came to the ballpark to tell me Aunt Cecile got killed by a bus.
12:40I had to leave.
12:41It was an emergency.
12:43Aunt Cecile got killed by a bus?
12:45Yes.
12:46Wasn't she the one who was drunk all the time?
12:48Yes.
12:49Work, at home, sadly, at the bus stop.
12:54You never told me that.
12:55This is very common.
12:57Two people often remember the same incident differently.
12:59And, Charlie, sometimes we selectively remember.
13:03I suppose that's possible.
13:05But I know for a fact that he took the guitar that I bought with my own money and smashed
13:09it in the driveway because I was playing it too loud.
13:11He's right.
13:13I did smash the guitar.
13:14Well, thank you.
13:16I thought I was going crazy.
13:17But not because you were playing too loud.
13:20I smashed it because I'd warned you.
13:22If you don't get your grades up, I'm going to have to get rid of the guitar.
13:24Okay, okay, all right, you know what?
13:26There's more.
13:27How about the time you took the puppy away?
13:29I had to.
13:30It died.
13:32You missed my graduation.
13:33I had to work.
13:34You made me shave my long hair.
13:36Because you had lice, which you got from the puppy.
13:39My whole childhood, you were a bully.
13:41A bully?
13:43Excuse me, Kate.
13:44Would you please give me a moment alone with my son?
13:47No problem, actually.
13:48This is a good time for me.
13:49Big iced tea, running waterfall, bad combination.
13:53Oh, son, it really hurts me to hear you say that you've been carrying around all this pain for so
14:00long.
14:01I know I wasn't the perfect father, but I am not that guy you think I was.
14:07Maybe.
14:08Maybe Kate's right.
14:10Maybe I rewrote some of my history to avoid taking responsibility for some of the crap I did.
14:16There are lots of ways to set things right.
14:19I tried your therapy.
14:21How about you trying mine?
14:27Do it for breakfast.
14:28Ah, come on.
14:29Do it.
14:29All right.
14:31I'm the kid that stole the candy.
14:33I'm that Yankee doodle dandy.
14:36Jimmy Caldwell.
14:38More.
14:39Do some brando.
14:43Are you an assassin?
14:45I'm a soldier.
14:47You're neither.
14:49You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect the bill.
15:02Charlie, if your father's marital status ever changes, I'd like to be your new mama.
15:08A bartender wife?
15:09That sounds interesting.
15:10Do you cook?
15:11In bed.
15:12In bed.
15:13In bed.
15:13In bed.
15:14In bed.
15:14Seriously, my trailer is that small.
15:16The microwave is actually next to the bed.
15:20Here's looking at you, kid.
15:25So, that girl you're sleeping with, the one you have no intention of marrying, it's that
15:32therapist, am I right?
15:33How did you know?
15:34I didn't until just now.
15:38Anyway, if you're not going to remarry Jennifer, which you should, you should seriously consider
15:43making an honest woman out of Kate.
15:45She's more fun as a dishonest woman.
15:48Let me tell you something, son.
15:49Your dear mother, may God rest her soul.
15:51She's not dead.
15:52Quit saying that.
15:53She's remarried and living in Tampa.
15:55I don't keep track.
15:56Anyway, she reminds me a lot of Kate.
15:59A lot to handle, but well worth it.
16:03Well, here's to difficult women and the men who cannot handle them.
16:09It's my 10th birthday.
16:11It's my dad, my brother.
16:13That's me on the end.
16:14Oh, you're lucky.
16:16My family never made any home movies with me.
16:18I was the fourth kid.
16:20My father was fond of saying I was the fourth of three.
16:24Hey, can I just Photoshop you into mine?
16:27Here, Charlie, we got you a 45-year-old bald man for your birthday.
16:29Hey, the stories are kind of a bummer,
16:31but they make you feel better about your own life.
16:36You don't have to do that.
16:39I just can't get over how young I...
16:43Hold on.
16:45What?
16:49That woman with her back to us?
16:51Yeah.
16:52That's my Aunt Cecile.
16:54My dad said she died a year before this.
16:55Good for her.
16:56Looks like she's almost completely recovered from her death.
17:00God, I'm straight.
17:01I'm not crazy.
17:02My dad really is a terrible person.
17:05Congratulations.
17:10Really glad you're driving me, Ed.
17:12I'm going to show up at work so much more relaxed.
17:14My pleasure, Miss Daisy.
17:16I don't know if I ever told you,
17:18but a long time ago, I used to drive...
17:20Don't let that girl in.
17:20Don't let her in.
17:21Why'd you let her in?
17:22Because she had her blinker on.
17:24She smiled at me.
17:25I'm a sucker for that.
17:27Quick, that lane's open.
17:28Go, go, go, go.
17:29That is not a lane.
17:30That's a shoulder.
17:32That's for emergency.
17:33Yeah, well, you're going to need to go to the hospital
17:35if you don't pick up the pace.
17:36Oh, I knew that was not a good idea.
17:38I'm warning you.
17:39One more word out of you.
17:40Just one more word.
17:41Yeah, what you going to do?
17:42That's it.
17:50Stay in.
17:51My driver left.
17:54Ed?
17:59Hey, Charlie.
17:59Hey, Dad.
18:01Can you get your beer?
18:01Sure.
18:02What do you got?
18:03Well, let's see.
18:05I've got dirty, filthy liar.
18:09My dad's a bastard.
18:12And a lager from Holland.
18:16Still haven't gotten any Bud Light, huh?
18:18There he is.
18:20Hi, Dad.
18:27Okay.
18:30What happened?
18:31You told me Aunt Cecile died when I was nine.
18:34I've got home movies of her at my 10th birthday,
18:38sitting at the table when I blew out the candles.
18:42Was she moving?
18:46Just enough to get her beer mug to her face.
18:49So I lied about one little thing.
18:51No, you didn't.
18:52I found my report card from the year you smashed my guitar.
18:56My grades?
18:57They never dropped.
18:59And I talked to Mom.
19:01You traded the puppy for a power drill.
19:03Well, at least the dog didn't die.
19:05I mean, I'm sure he's dead now, but...
19:08Why did you come here?
19:10Why are you being so nice?
19:11What do you want?
19:13I want to leave Ohio.
19:15There's nothing left there for me.
19:17All my friends are gone, and...
19:21Your siblings won't have anything to do with me.
19:24What about your wife?
19:26Corinne left me last month.
19:30And if it'll make you feel any better, she took my puppy.
19:34So now you're a puppy guy?
19:36Charlie.
19:37Look.
19:39I want to move out here, and I want to live with you.
19:44You act like a jerk my whole life, then lie about it,
19:46and now you want me to take you in?
19:48I really need some help, see,
19:49because I don't have enough money left to live on my own.
19:55And if I could do anything about the past, I would.
19:58Hell, you know I tried.
20:00And it would have worked, too,
20:02if it hadn't been for the boozy ghost of Anne Cecile.
20:07Look, I'll do the best I can from here on.
20:10That's all I can promise.
20:12One last thing.
20:13Anything.
20:14And I need the truth.
20:15You bet.
20:17Did Mom really leave you,
20:18or did you trade her to that guy in Tampa for a belt sander?
20:23No, actually, it was a leaf blower.
20:30Don't get too hard on yourself.
20:32Your dad fooled us both.
20:35I think it's really sweet that you're getting him his own place out here.
20:39Yeah, it's in a really nice area.
20:40He just has to decide if he wants to be a blood or a crip.
20:45Charlie.
20:46Kidding.
20:47Kidding.
20:47It's about 20 minutes away.
20:49He's just far enough,
20:50so he can't just walk over here whenever he wants.
20:52At least now I know what you look like in your 70s.
20:57Based on your dad's looks,
20:58I could still be doing you.
21:00Thanks.
21:02You got to push your mom
21:03so I can see what I might be getting into?
21:05Actually, I look more like my dad.
21:07But if it makes you feel any better,
21:09he's got an ass that won't quit.
21:41Ha ha ha.
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