- 7 hours ago
Charlie Outs a Patient
Charlie has to evaluate the depth of his involvement in his patient's lives when he tries to help his patient Nolan who has difficulty asserting himself and has become involved with a woman who has no such problem.
Charlie has to evaluate the depth of his involvement in his patient's lives when he tries to help his patient Nolan who has difficulty asserting himself and has become involved with a woman who has no such problem.
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TVTranscript
00:02Charlie, you in there?
00:04What? I'm in the shower!
00:06What?
00:07What?
00:09What?
00:09What?
00:10Ugh, damn it.
00:13What the hell? I'm naked!
00:14You better have a fistful of singles or get out!
00:16Yeah, whatever, you couldn't hear me.
00:18Now, don't look, I gotta pee.
00:21There's two other bathrooms in this house.
00:23Yeah, well, I'm in a hurry.
00:25And I gotta talk to you.
00:27Can you handle Sam's sleepover this weekend?
00:30Oh, man, I really wish I could.
00:31I have big plans,
00:33which I'm desperately trying to come up with
00:34even as we speak.
00:37Well, I have actual plans.
00:38A guy invited me to Palm Springs
00:40for the weekend to play golf.
00:42He don't play golf.
00:43He's a cosmetic dentist.
00:44He's rich. I play golf.
00:48No way. This is why we have a schedule.
00:51Okay, I'm gonna approach this differently.
00:57That's what?
00:58You're gonna scold me into a sleepover?
01:01Let's ask the toilet.
01:05Okay, okay, damn you. I'll do it.
01:09What the hell was that for?
01:11That's for covering up the tattoo of my name on your butt.
01:14I didn't cover it.
01:16I just added for a good time call
01:17and your phone number.
01:19I don't know who I thought was gonna say it,
01:20but it seemed like a funny idea at the time.
01:30I have a quick little topic
01:32I'd like to cover before we break.
01:34Someone gave me a negative review on Yelp.
01:38What the hell is Yelp?
01:40It's the sound you make when you sit on your balls.
01:45Yes.
01:47It's also a site where anyone can review anything anonymously.
01:49The complaint was that I go off topic.
01:51Now, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions
01:52and make a big deal about it,
01:53so maybe you can just tell me who did it.
01:56I knew it was you!
01:58Actually, it wasn't,
01:59but I do think you're going off topic.
02:02All right, forget the Yelp thing.
02:04I'm just gonna let it go.
02:05Anybody have any last things they'd like to discuss?
02:07I knew it was you!
02:10No, uh...
02:11I'm a little nervous about a date I got tonight.
02:14Oh!
02:16I'm sorry I didn't realize your group was still in session.
02:18I'll go wait in the kitchen.
02:19That's all right, okay, we're almost done.
02:20Oh, yeah, we're all friends.
02:21Here, come on.
02:22Sit down next to Texas Thunder.
02:26Thanks, I'm just gonna grab some coffee
02:28and ride out the storm.
02:30Anyway,
02:32I've been dating this girl from work
02:34for about a month now.
02:35You do know that accidentally walking next to someone
02:37on the way to the bathroom isn't dating.
02:40That is how we met.
02:41But now it's real.
02:44So tonight's our fourth date,
02:45and we're in that awkward phase
02:46right before she gets weirded out
02:48and doesn't want a fifth date.
02:50Nolan, what's the negative?
02:52Things don't have to work out that way.
02:53Have some confidence in yourself.
02:55You're a great guy.
02:56We're not taking opposing views yet, Patrick.
02:59I just wish I was better at liking myself.
03:02That's one of the things I hate about me.
03:06I really just want this one to work out.
03:08I mean, Athena, she's different
03:10than the girls I usually date.
03:11When you say different,
03:12you mean no angry voicemails,
03:14no drunken tirades,
03:15no stealing your car
03:16and using it in a liquor store robbery?
03:18Yeah, Debbie was great.
03:21But Athena's different than that.
03:24And she's a gentle lover in bed.
03:27That's right.
03:28We did it.
03:29Sick.
03:32If for some reason you make it to a fifth date,
03:34I would love to meet this woman
03:36and see if she actually exists.
03:39Yeah, and tie her from the radiator
03:40and bring her in.
03:44No, I haven't told her I'm in anger therapy yet.
03:47I wouldn't really be comfortable
03:48introducing her to the group.
03:50Oh, we'll be nice.
03:52We'll just put her up here on the table,
03:54turn her around a couple of times,
03:55see if she's a good-breeding filly.
04:00Because I believe that's the nicest thing
04:02that's going to happen to her here,
04:04I'm going to nip this in the bud.
04:06No, I think you should just focus
04:07on your date tonight.
04:08So where are you taking her?
04:08Well, there's a discount sushi truck
04:11I've been trying to catch up with.
04:14Or else just a married peasant for drinks.
04:16I go with the peasant.
04:18I mean, unless you're going to propose,
04:19then definitely go with the poisoned sushi.
04:23You're not really going to do that, right?
04:26Do what?
04:27Show up at the bar
04:29to help Nolan get to the fifth date with that girl.
04:31What are you talking about?
04:32Oh, please, Charlie.
04:34Why else would you ask him
04:35where he's going on his date?
04:37It's for a research paper.
04:39Places of Patients Go on Dates.
04:41It's a follow-up to my earlier work.
04:43Bipolar's Guide to Amusement Parks.
04:46You're overly involved in your patients' lives,
04:48and it's a big problem.
04:49Look, I'm just going to pretend I'm an old buddy
04:51and chat the guy up in front of his date.
04:53Tell her he's solid, dependable, charismatic.
04:57I happen to be a very persuasive, you know, liar.
05:01Charlie, you have a distant mother and a critical father,
05:05and that is why you have an overwhelming need
05:06to be loved by everyone, including your patients.
05:09Or I just want to help my patients have a healthier life.
05:12I guess you don't.
05:14My God.
05:15How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
05:17Except for the fact that you're very, very pretty.
05:22So, I was thinking maybe we could go to the Renaissance Fair this weekend.
05:25Are you free?
05:26Yeah.
05:27Well, that would be our fifth day, methinks.
05:31But thine would have to drive,
05:32as my car needeth a new belt of timing.
05:38Hey, Nolan.
05:41Charlie, what are you doing here?
05:43I just stopped by for a drink.
05:44Hi, I'm Charlie.
05:45Uh, this is Athena.
05:46Athena, this is, uh, Charlie.
05:48Hi, Charlie.
05:48Hi.
05:49I don't want to bother you two.
05:51Looks like you're having fun.
05:52But obviously, everybody has fun with Nolan.
05:54Solid, dependable, charismatic Nolan.
05:57We have a great time whenever we're hanging out.
05:59So, how do you guys know each other?
06:01Oh, Charlie's my, uh, urologist.
06:03Really?
06:05You're his penis doctor.
06:07Yes.
06:08Because that's what a urologist is.
06:12Oh.
06:13So, my penis is fine, right?
06:16It's delightful.
06:19Charlie, excuse me.
06:20There's a guy at the bar who's really lit,
06:22and he's pissed because I had to cut him off.
06:24I think I need your professional skills.
06:25Oh, my God.
06:26Is something wrong with his penis?
06:28I'm off the clock, Brett.
06:30Maybe you should call the cops and go handle it.
06:31No, you're an anger management therapist,
06:33and you're right here.
06:35Wait.
06:36Is that how you know him?
06:38Were you just lying to me?
06:40Are you in anger therapy?
06:41Well, maybe, kind of.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Uh, I'm just going to handle this myself.
06:51I can't believe this.
06:52Athena, it's not what you think.
06:53It is exactly what I think.
06:55Someone lied to me right to my face.
06:57Don't call me.
06:58Don't come over.
06:59We're done.
07:04Okay, before you say anything, let me just say,
07:08dinner's on me.
07:13Whatever plans you have today, break them.
07:16That's a problem,
07:16because my plan today was to break all my plans.
07:19Now I'm confused.
07:22Here.
07:23What are these?
07:24Space is available for your new office.
07:26Why?
07:27Are they bulldozing my living room
07:28and putting in a new shopping mall?
07:30You know how you're not supposed to work in your bed
07:32because it's where you sleep?
07:33I don't know if I agree.
07:34I think I do some of my best work in bed.
07:37Yes, you do.
07:38You show up whenever you're supposed to,
07:40and you keep a tidy workspace,
07:42and you've gone 110 days without an accident.
07:46My point is, having patients in your home
07:48makes you feel like they're your family,
07:50and that just encourages you
07:51to get over-involved in their lives.
07:53Will you stop worrying about that?
07:54I'm telling you, it's not a problem for me.
07:56It is.
07:57You almost went to the bar last night
07:59to make sure that your patient had a good date.
08:01I didn't almost go to the bar.
08:04So you went to the bar?
08:05Yes.
08:07And it went badly?
08:09No.
08:10It went horribly?
08:12Yes.
08:15That's Nolan and Athena.
08:16I'm gonna help get them back together.
08:18You are in complete denial.
08:19Well, maybe.
08:20It's better than partial denial.
08:21That's so wishy-washy.
08:23I say go bigger.
08:23Don't go home.
08:26I'm so sorry.
08:28I overreacted.
08:29I do that a lot.
08:30That's okay.
08:31Most people think you have to be angry
08:33to be in anger therapy,
08:34but there are lots of other related issues,
08:35like Nolan's.
08:36Can't lump people together.
08:38Not all the Vikings raped and pillaged.
08:40Some of them just like sailing.
08:44You know, Nolan,
08:44those rape analogies don't always work,
08:46but that one is on the money.
08:48I just want you to know
08:49that I'm here for you on your journey.
08:52Our journey.
08:53I feel so much better.
08:55Now I don't have to hide anything.
08:57Thank you, Charlie.
08:58I love you, man.
09:02I'm getting a little emotional.
09:03I'll be right back.
09:07Are we done?
09:10Uh, as soon as Nolan gets back from the bathroom,
09:12I guess you can go.
09:13Really?
09:14Thanks.
09:17Did I say something wrong?
09:18No.
09:18You're a therapist.
09:19You're God.
09:22Well, we better go.
09:24If we leave now,
09:25we can still make the Renaissance fair.
09:27Thanks again for taking the time
09:29to explain everything to me
09:30so that Nolan and I could get back together.
09:33I won't forget this.
09:35Do you blink?
09:37I don't think you blink.
09:39I don't want to miss anything.
09:41See ya.
09:49Hey, Nolan.
09:50Hey.
09:50Sent you a couple emails.
09:51Didn't hear anything back.
09:52Is everything all right?
09:52Yeah.
09:53I was over at Athena's
09:54and I went to the bathroom
09:55and when I came back,
09:56my computer was smashed on the floor.
09:59Athena said her cat did it.
10:01Her cat?
10:02Yeah.
10:03I mean, her cat's real crazy.
10:05I guess he was playing with my phone
10:06and erased all my old girlfriend's numbers.
10:09Hey, Nolan, I've never had a cat,
10:10so maybe I'm alarmed for nothing.
10:13It sounds like you, me, and Athena
10:14need to have another session.
10:16Not necessary.
10:17I actually want to talk about Athena
10:18and group today.
10:19It's very healthy.
10:20Let's get started.
10:22Okay.
10:23Wait, where's Ed?
10:25Turns out he was the one
10:27who complained about me on Yelp.
10:29Apparently, he also complained
10:30about the Patriot Acts
10:31and now he's down at the Federal Building
10:32trying to prove he's not a Honduran national.
10:35Now, I think Nolan has something
10:37he'd like to share.
10:38Thanks, Charlie.
10:39I'm leaving the group.
10:41Bye, everybody.
10:42Okay, cool.
10:43My turn.
10:44Hold on.
10:44Hold on.
10:45Patrick, what do you mean
10:47you're leaving, Nolan?
10:48Well, last night,
10:49Athena was explaining to me
10:50how inappropriate it is
10:52for my therapist
10:52to be meddling
10:53in a patient's personal lives.
10:54And she really knows
10:56because she's been in therapy
10:57a bunch of times.
10:58I mean, a lot.
11:01What was she in therapy for?
11:03She said it's very complicated
11:04and that the records were burned
11:06in an unexplained fire
11:07in her foster home.
11:09It's weird, huh?
11:11But here's the good news.
11:14We're moving in together.
11:16Bye, everybody.
11:18Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:19At the risk of being too involved
11:21in your personal life,
11:22do you really feel you know her
11:23well enough to move in with her?
11:25Athena said you'd say
11:26the exact same thing.
11:27She's pretty much right
11:27about everything.
11:28She said I don't need
11:30to go to therapy anymore
11:31because she can tell me
11:32what to do.
11:35From what I'm hearing,
11:36we need to keep talking.
11:37This is a terrible time
11:38for you to leave therapy.
11:39What?
11:40This is group?
11:40Why don't we hear
11:40what the group has to say?
11:41Okay, I'll go first.
11:44Nolan, there are so many issues
11:45I don't even know where to start.
11:47One, I'm amazed you even know
11:49how to get here by yourself.
11:52Two, who would want you
11:53with that hair?
11:55Three, think with your head,
11:57not with your wiener.
11:58Four, who would want you
11:59with that shirt?
12:03Four, who would want you
12:03All right.
12:04Thanks, dude.
12:08But you did say something
12:09in her that made sense.
12:10The wiener thing?
12:10Yes.
12:10I knew it.
12:13Nolan, I think your feelings
12:14for Athena may be clouding
12:16your judgment.
12:17She didn't push me into anything.
12:18She said to take my time
12:20and really think about it.
12:27That's Athena.
12:28She misses me.
12:31I gotta go get her stuff
12:33from her ex-boyfriend's place
12:34while he's still at work.
12:40You've gotta help him, Charlie.
12:42It's like watching a baby possum
12:44crossing the road at night.
12:45I've hit so many,
12:47I can't watch another one die.
12:50Well, then you might want
12:51to rinse off your bumper
12:52because here comes a big one.
12:57Hey, Charlie.
12:58I feel bad about bailing on you
13:00this weekend,
13:00so I brought over some snacks
13:01for the leaveover.
13:03Aw, thanks.
13:03I'd have done it myself,
13:04but I got a lot of crap going on.
13:07Condoms?
13:09Am I expected to provide
13:10sex partners for all these girls?
13:12Those are mine.
13:14Strawberry flavored?
13:15Your rich cosmetic dentist
13:17is not gonna like
13:17the sugar in these.
13:18You know,
13:19four out of five dentists
13:20recommend sugarless condoms
13:21for their patients
13:21who chew condoms.
13:24Don't give me crap
13:25about going away with this guy.
13:27I already feel bad enough
13:28missing Sam's sleepover.
13:30Tell me about guilt.
13:32I tried to help a patient
13:33with his girlfriend
13:33and I broke them up.
13:34Then I get them back together
13:35and it turns out
13:36she's unstable.
13:37You know,
13:37this feels really nice,
13:39like old times,
13:40talking about your problems.
13:41And if I wasn't on my way
13:42to screw some guy
13:43in Palm Desert,
13:44I would so stay
13:45and help you working out.
13:47I understand.
13:47You have to trap a man
13:48into loving you.
13:49I get it.
13:51Thanks for having me.
13:54Hey.
13:55How's it going?
13:56They're texting about
13:57how lame this is.
13:59How do you know?
13:59They're texting me.
14:03Is there anything
14:03I can do to help?
14:05How about some Pictionary?
14:07Fun stuff is supposed
14:08to happen spontaneously.
14:10Oh.
14:12Oh, my God, look.
14:13It's Pictionary
14:14for no reason.
14:16Caitlyn with a K
14:17wants you to leave
14:18because you're annoying.
14:20And Caitlyn with a C
14:22says you're not annoying,
14:23which is boring.
14:25I think I know why
14:25she spells it with a C.
14:26I don't know.
14:27I don't know.
14:31Hello?
14:32Nolan, how are you?
14:34Are you okay?
14:35Pretty good.
14:37I'm at the Sun Valley
14:38battered women's shelter.
14:41You're what?
14:42It was the nearest place
14:43they could take me.
14:44Turns out,
14:45Athena has anger issues.
14:46Could have used
14:47a heads up on that.
14:49I am so sorry, Nolan.
14:51Where's Athena now?
14:52She took off.
14:53Police are looking for her.
14:55Can you please pick me up?
14:56It'd be kind of hard
14:57for me right now,
14:58and I'm not sure
14:59it'd be appropriate, Nolan.
15:00Isn't there anybody
15:01else you can call?
15:02I tried Lacey,
15:03but she didn't pick up.
15:04Because there's anybody
15:04you can call
15:05who actually cares about you.
15:07That's why I called you.
15:10Look, I can't go back
15:11to my house.
15:11I gave a key to Athena.
15:13It's kind of ironic
15:13because she stuck it
15:14in my eye.
15:16Look, Nolan,
15:17I need a ride quick.
15:20You're not exactly
15:21pro-dude here.
15:24Of course I'll be there.
15:25You just hang tight
15:26at the shelter.
15:27I'm on my way.
15:28What the hell's going on?
15:30Why is somebody
15:30at a shelter?
15:31And why is there no pizza?
15:32I thought this was
15:33a sleepover.
15:36One of my patients
15:36got beat up
15:37by his girlfriend.
15:39Look, I'm gonna bind here.
15:40I need you to do me a favor
15:41and watch the girls.
15:42No.
15:43I can't bring all these girls
15:44to a battered women's shelter.
15:45Their parents will crucify me.
15:46But you can leave them
15:47with the beer-drinking neighbor
15:48who had a pot brownie
15:49about an hour ago
15:50and is still feeling pretty good.
15:53Okay, Cheech.
15:54Just hang here
15:55and help yourself
15:56to anything in the fridge.
15:57There's egg salad
15:57and leftover sloppy joes.
15:59Awesome.
16:00I'm gonna make myself
16:01an eggy joe.
16:04Would you guys mind
16:05if I left for about an hour
16:06to run an errand?
16:07I don't know.
16:08I don't trust myself
16:08with liquor in the house.
16:11Okay, who wants to go
16:12to In-N-Out Burger?
16:13Yeah, you can go.
16:14I wanna go.
16:16Eat your eggy joe.
16:18All right, on the way back,
16:19I gotta make a quick stop
16:20to grab a buddy of mine
16:20and all I ask
16:21is that you don't tell
16:22your parents about
16:22this little detour.
16:24Are we going on a drug run?
16:25No, we're not going
16:26on a drug run.
16:27I wanna go.
16:28I said we're not going
16:29on a drug run.
16:29Eat your goddamn eggy joe!
16:35Sorry, kids.
16:43What happened to your face?
16:45I'll answer that, Nolan.
16:46He had an accident
16:47giving his cat a bath.
16:50Yeah, whiskers can be
16:51pretty ferocious
16:51when she's been drinking.
16:55Why were you
16:55at a woman's shelter?
16:59Okay, I think it's time
17:00to tell him the truth
17:00about what really
17:01happened to you.
17:04Nolan is a reporter
17:05for Time magazine
17:07doing an expose
17:08on what it's like
17:09to be a man
17:09living in a woman's shelter.
17:11Then he walked
17:12into a door.
17:15You must be
17:15a pretty crappy therapist
17:16if you don't know
17:17domestic abuse
17:18when you see it.
17:22Ruby's right.
17:23Nolan is a victim
17:24of domestic abuse.
17:26I'm really sorry
17:27everybody had to be
17:28involved in this.
17:29It's all my fault.
17:30I should have known.
17:31You don't unload a dishwasher
17:32while someone's on the phone.
17:38Check it out.
17:40Your daughter and her friends
17:41did some makeup on me.
17:42Turns out I have
17:43combination skin.
17:47Lacey,
17:48what are you doing here?
17:49You texted me.
17:50Oh, you mean
17:51why do I care?
17:52You know,
17:53Charlie's always saying
17:54we should give a crap
17:54about each other.
17:56You're touched, Lacey.
17:57Yeah, well,
17:57I figured I'd try it once
17:58to get you off my ass.
18:01So where's the bitch
18:02that hit you?
18:03I don't know.
18:04She hasn't texted me back yet.
18:05What?
18:06You texted her?
18:07I didn't want her to worry.
18:10Dad,
18:11there's some woman
18:11outside of the house
18:12yelling for Nolan.
18:13I think she's drunk.
18:14How do you know that?
18:15She keeps yelling,
18:16I'm drunk.
18:18Ah, crap.
18:19All right,
18:20take all your friends upstairs,
18:20tell them there's 20 bucks
18:21in it for every kid
18:22who doesn't text their parents.
18:23If they give you any lip,
18:24go to 30.
18:27Okay, okay,
18:28just wait here.
18:29I'm gonna go out there,
18:30try to talk her down
18:30before this thing
18:31gets any further
18:31out of control.
18:32I got this.
18:33Lacey?
18:35Lacey?
18:36Come on, Lacey!
18:37Come on, Lacey!
18:37Come on, Lacey!
18:37I just want to talk to you!
18:39I want to talk to you, too!
18:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
18:41slow down, slow down.
18:42Nothing was ever solved
18:43by hitting someone
18:43with a giant spoon.
18:46I'm responsible for this.
18:48I'm the one
18:48who has to do something about it.
18:49Get out of here!
18:50You're right.
18:50You should be doing something.
18:51Here, hold my earrings.
18:52Lacey,
18:54you never said
18:55how mean she is.
18:55She's drunk.
18:56She'll kill you.
18:57Take the big fork, too.
19:00Lacey, sit down.
19:02Nolan, listen to me.
19:03I get it now.
19:05I don't care
19:06if you like me
19:06or hate me anymore,
19:07but watching you
19:08stand here
19:08ready to let Lacey
19:09go out and fight
19:10for you with cutlery,
19:10no matter how big,
19:13is the last straw.
19:15I failed you
19:16as a therapist.
19:17No, man!
19:17So I'm gonna go out there,
19:18get rid of Athena,
19:20then you're gonna find
19:21a new therapist
19:21who can help you.
19:22Nolan!
19:23Wait!
19:24Give me the spoon.
19:26You're not going out there.
19:27Charlie's not going out there.
19:29I'm the only one
19:30going out there.
19:30and I can only
19:31be stopped with a kiss.
19:34I'm not gonna kiss you.
19:36Charlie, you?
19:36I think we sent
19:37the wrong message.
19:40Okay.
19:42Here I go.
19:46Baby, I miss you!
19:47You're really gonna
19:47let him go out there alone?
19:49You know what?
19:50He really needs to do this.
19:55See?
19:56They're talking.
19:58She's turning around.
20:00Walk into her car.
20:02She's getting in.
20:04Now she's driving away.
20:07And now she's
20:08turning around.
20:10Now she's chasing Nolan.
20:13Call the cops.
20:13I gotta go.
20:16Drop the spoon
20:17and run, man!
20:24Hey!
20:26I'm not getting strawberry.
20:27They're like utter pops.
20:29They all taste the same.
20:32I'm not getting strawberry.
20:33So anyway.
20:36Lacey grabs a giant spoon
20:38to go after Athena.
20:39But Nolan stopped her
20:40and went outside
20:40and got chased up a tree
20:41by a Toyota 4Runner.
20:43And this all happened
20:44in front of a bunch
20:44of screaming little girls.
20:46Well, I think I know
20:47what the giant spoon represents.
20:49No, no, no.
20:49This wasn't a dream.
20:50It actually happened.
20:52So what was the final outcome?
20:54Well, you were right
20:55and I was right.
20:56I inspired Lacey
20:57with my methods
20:57but I inspired Nolan
20:58with yours.
20:59But by using your methods
21:00I made them mine.
21:01So it was a total victory
21:02for me.
21:04Good for you.
21:06You know,
21:06if you want another victory
21:07tonight,
21:08you're gonna have to
21:08give it to yourself.
21:10Here's banana.
21:11Tastes like strawberry.
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