- 14 hours ago
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00:01Okay, who would like to start today?
00:03I would.
00:05What's with the attitude?
00:07It's a splint.
00:09I broke my finger last night because of you.
00:11See, everybody?
00:14And how exactly was I involved in that?
00:16You didn't answer your phone.
00:18I was in line at a club when some dog-faced bitch shoved me,
00:21and I tripped and fell on the ground.
00:23And that's how you broke your finger?
00:24No. I was angry, so I called Charlie to talk me down,
00:28but you didn't pick up, so I found said bitch,
00:31took her face, shoved it into the turntables,
00:33got my finger caught in her cheap-ass weave, and it broke.
00:37First of all, said therapist takes no responsibility
00:39for said bitch-slam.
00:42But, Lacey, if you hadn't gotten a hold of me,
00:44what would I have said?
00:45You would have said for me to use my communication skills,
00:48express my hurt, breathe deeply, and walk away.
00:52So why didn't you do that?
00:53I couldn't get in touch with you.
00:55Okay, let's solve this problem.
00:57Well, if we took some of that tape around her wrist
01:00and put it over her mouth, I think that'd solve it.
01:05Look, you all know the basic techniques of anger management.
01:08Now, in the event that you can't get through to me,
01:10there's no reason you can't contact each other.
01:12We'll call it the anger buddy call system.
01:14This is actually a really good idea.
01:17Ed, you'll call Patrick.
01:18Oh, crap.
01:20Patrick, you'll call Nolan. And Nolan...
01:22Ed calls me. I call Patrick.
01:24Oh, crap.
01:26Nolan, you'll call Lacey. And Lacey, you call Ed.
01:31Hello?
01:32Hi.
01:34Guys, I don't think you're getting the idea.
01:36Nolan, if you call Lacey again, you better be...
01:38On fire.
01:40...with rage and about to...
01:41Stab yourself in the face.
01:43Lacey, sometimes I worry that you're...
01:45Too bitter to ever find a good guy to love me,
01:48that I'm gonna end up living in some 90s stucco condo
01:51in Burbank with some loser?
01:54Like Nolan!
02:06Hey, Charlie.
02:07Charlie.
02:13Hi, Kate.
02:14Don't worry about it, Charlie.
02:16This is my friend, Victor.
02:17Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
02:19Victor and I met at a silent auction
02:20for the Museum of Contemporary Arts.
02:22We got into a little bidding war
02:23over one of Andy Warhol's wigs.
02:25We were outbid by the Sultan of Brunei.
02:29I feel ya.
02:31Can't tell ya how many wigs I've lost to that guy.
02:33What a dick.
02:36Hey, well, see you tonight.
02:38Mmm.
02:43Excuse me, but don't you and I have a little play date tonight?
02:45Huh?
02:47Victor and I are going to engage
02:48in some pseudo-intellectual one-upsmanship
02:51over dinner, then the symphony,
02:52and then I'm coming over to your place to bang.
02:55So, how are you feeling today?
02:57Stupid, but bangable.
02:59Oh, come on. You're not jealous.
03:01Of Grandpa Victor?
03:03Oh, I'm sure his tales on the Old West are spellbinding.
03:07He just has a brilliant intellect,
03:09and I find him fascinating.
03:10So, do you guys ever go out during the day,
03:11or does the sunlight make him burst into flames?
03:14Charlie, I can't believe you're this upset.
03:16You barely met the guy.
03:17Well, you saw how he was.
03:18The Sultan of Brunei stole my wig.
03:22Look, just because I like someone smart
03:24doesn't mean you're dumb.
03:25You are the smartest ex-baseball player I know.
03:29Victor's just been a cultured intellectual all his life.
03:32You're nouveau smart.
03:34Hey, hey, I've been smart my whole life.
03:36I just happen to be a good-looking athlete
03:37that didn't need to use it to get girls.
03:40But I've always had that bullet in the chamber.
03:42Just waiting for my looks to fade.
03:46I'm still waiting.
03:49Charlie, double-shot latte.
03:52I'm sorry, Allie,
03:55but I ordered a double-shot espresso.
03:56Would you mind drinking this anyway?
03:58Because if you return it, then I gotta pay for it.
04:00Tell you what,
04:01I'll bet that in the next five minutes,
04:03someone will want a double-shot latte.
04:04And if not, I'll pay for it.
04:06Statistically,
04:07considering the number of drinks that we offer,
04:08the foot traffic this time of day,
04:10and the relative popularity of a double-shot latte,
04:12you're looking at odds of 20 to 1.
04:15Wow.
04:16Impressive.
04:16Where'd that come from?
04:17I'm working on my PhD
04:18in applied statistical economics.
04:20And you just used it in your real life?
04:22You might be the first person to ever do that.
04:25But I think your odds are way off.
04:27You wanna bet?
04:28Okay, but I'm legally bound to warn you
04:30that I'm a psychotherapist,
04:31and I know the power of subliminal primate
04:32and cognitive influence.
04:34Oh, impressive.
04:35And I guarantee that someone will order one of these
04:38in the next five minutes.
04:40You're on.
04:41Okay.
04:41Clock starts right now.
04:43Hello.
04:45I'd like a double-shot latte, please.
04:48If you have one room temperature,
04:49that'd be great.
04:50Well played.
04:52Too bad we didn't decide on a wager.
04:54Well, we're both so smart.
04:55I just assumed we were talking about a dinner date.
04:57How do I know you're my type?
04:59Maybe you can gather some empirical evidence
05:00by going out to dinner with me.
05:02Okay.
05:03I'd love to.
05:04But only because you used the word empirical properly.
05:08Thank God.
05:09I was gripping the wheel on that one.
05:18Wow.
05:19You were on fire tonight.
05:20That opera Victor took me, too.
05:22You wouldn't think a woman who kills her husband
05:24in the bridal chamber would be such a turn-on.
05:27You know, I've been looking for a good husband murdery opera to go to,
05:30and this sounds like the one.
05:32You're going to an opera?
05:34I made a new friend.
05:35Oh.
05:36A new friend.
05:38I've been going out a couple of times.
05:40Saturday, we're celebrating that she finished the dissertation,
05:42so we're gonna go to the opera.
05:44Opera?
05:45Dissertation?
05:45Does she know you're only going out with her to get back at me for Victor?
05:48Hmm.
05:49She's extremely smart.
05:50She'll figure it out.
05:53That's only part of the reason I'm doing it.
05:55She's the smartest woman I've ever met, and she finds me fascinating.
05:59We have a meeting of the minds.
06:01Is this meeting at the corner of wishful and thinking?
06:06No, actually, it's in your building.
06:08She works in the coffee shop.
06:10Wait.
06:12You're not talking about Ellie, are you?
06:14You know her?
06:16Yes.
06:16She's a patient of mine.
06:18I don't think you should be seeing her.
06:20Oh, come on.
06:21Why?
06:21Because it's a huge conflict for me.
06:23You're dating her now, you're gonna be sleeping with her,
06:25and I need to be objective about your relationships when I analyze you.
06:28Now, pull my underwear down with your teeth.
06:32No problem.
06:33I'll just go out with her as a friend, just like you do with the guys that you see.
06:36Yes.
06:37But you can't just have women friends.
06:39Sex is your Achilles heel.
06:40The longest you've ever resisted a vagina is now,
06:43and it's starting to get me upset.
06:47All right.
06:48I don't like it, but fine.
06:49I'll explain to her that I can't see her anymore.
06:52Thank you for respecting my wishes.
06:55Okay.
06:56Underwear.
06:57Teeth.
06:57Now.
06:58Aren't you forgetting something?
07:01Please.
07:08What the hell?
07:13Hello.
07:14Ed.
07:15It's Patrick.
07:16From group.
07:17What are you calling me for?
07:19It's the middle of the night.
07:20It's 9.30.
07:23I get up at 4.
07:24I get up at 4.
07:25That's when I piss, shave, and have breakfast.
07:28That's three things I accomplish before you get your first Peter in your face.
07:33Can you come over, please?
07:34I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.
07:36They've been having a party for the last 12 hours, and it's driving me crazy.
07:40Call the cops.
07:41I did, and they won't do anything.
07:43You're my anger buddy, Cox.
07:45Please come over here and talk me down.
07:48If I come over there, somebody's gonna get hurt.
07:51I don't want you to beat them up.
07:53I'm talking about you.
07:56Look at me, dude.
07:57You want me in there.
08:02What's up, Patrick?
08:03What do you want?
08:04Hi.
08:04I'm about to lose it with my neighbors.
08:06I called Ed, but it blew me off.
08:09What are they doing?
08:09They're having a party.
08:11The really loud music that has been going on forever.
08:13Listen.
08:15Sounds like the DJ's playing Skrillex.
08:17Cool.
08:17I'll be right over.
08:27Nolan residence.
08:28Nolan, I need a ride to Patrick's now.
08:31And I'm supposed to just stop whatever I'm doing?
08:34Yes.
08:36Okay.
08:38I'm at the Abbey.
08:39Yeah, you are.
08:44Charlie.
08:45Sorry I'm late.
08:46It took me a while to print out my dissertation.
08:49For you.
08:51Wow.
08:52You're flattered.
08:53Yeah.
08:54Statistical deviations in the estimated gross domestic product of the Soviet bloc, 1971-1972, as compared to the...
09:00You know what? I'll read the rest of the title tonight.
09:03Okay.
09:04It may be a little dry for somebody who's not into statistics.
09:07Even for the casual statistics lover.
09:10You might want to think about ending the title with Beyond Thunderdome.
09:14I'm sorry, I don't know what that means.
09:16Really?
09:16Mad Max?
09:17It's a movie?
09:19Yeah, it doesn't matter.
09:21Allie, I can't go out with you anymore.
09:23Okay, it's only like two hours of my life.
09:25I'll watch the movie.
09:27No, no, it's not that.
09:30Kate Wales is my best friend, and we're both her patients, and she doesn't want us to do this.
09:35Really?
09:35Yeah, she felt pretty strongly about it.
09:37There's no wiggle room here.
09:38It's forbidden.
09:39Forbidden, huh?
09:41Well, I mean, that just seems so silly.
09:43We're just friends.
09:44What do we have to hide?
09:45I know, I know.
09:45I agree with you.
09:47I just don't want to upset her.
09:47I mean, it's...
09:48It's not like we're doing this.
09:50Doing what?
09:52I mean, if Kate saw that, she would be pretty upset, right?
09:57If the Vice Squad saw that, they'd be pretty upset.
10:00Zipper nut buttons.
10:01Oh, you're bad.
10:04I wonder what Kate would say if she walked in on us in the bathroom in the next 15 minutes.
10:09She'd probably say, I can't believe you're doing this, and I'm deeply disappointed in both of you.
10:14But there's only one way to find out.
10:21Sam, I promised my friend I'd read her dissertation, and I'm seeing her tonight.
10:24Are you done yet?
10:25You got my 10 bucks?
10:26Not so fast.
10:27The deal was, you write me a one-page synopsis of it so I know what I'm talking about, and
10:31then you get the money.
10:39This is a very interesting dissertation with multiple themes that I have found to be very interesting.
10:45It is about the statistical deviations in the estimated gross domestic product of the Soviet bloc, 1971 through 1970.
10:51Hey, all you did was copy the title.
10:54Hey, all you did was give me 10 bucks.
11:02Hey, hey, hey. Don't eat that. It's for the group.
11:05Sorry.
11:05Don't put it back.
11:06You touched it.
11:08Well, I'll toss it.
11:09Don't throw it away.
11:10It's perfectly good food.
11:11What am I supposed to do with this?
11:13Well, you might as well eat it now.
11:16You're not so fast.
11:17You want to taste it?
11:17What is wrong with you?
11:20I'm sorry, Mike.
11:21I'm on edge.
11:22I did something that I shouldn't have done.
11:25Touched a muffin you weren't supposed to?
11:27Well, in a way.
11:31I had sex with one of Kate's patients last night.
11:34Why is that a problem?
11:35She told me not to.
11:36I agreed not to.
11:37And now I want to do it again.
11:39Well, Kate better not find out.
11:41Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.
11:45Uh, Mike, it's Shakespeare.
11:47Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
11:50Yeah, trust me, Charles.
11:50A woman doesn't throw a can of scorned at your head after you had sex with her sister.
11:55I stand corrected.
11:57Is that why you got divorced?
11:58No, no, no.
11:59Political differences.
12:00Yes, that's why I got divorced.
12:03I betrayed her trust.
12:05Well, that's what's so weird.
12:06Kate and I have no emotional obligation to each other, but I still feel like I'm cheating on her.
12:10Stop seeing the girl.
12:11I don't want to.
12:13She's smart.
12:14She's attractive.
12:15She thinks I'm intelligent.
12:16And she's into all this crazy, dangerous sex.
12:19You can barely drive the woman home without risking your life.
12:23It's awesome.
12:28The problem is Kate's our therapist.
12:30Wait.
12:31Don't you have great sex with Kate, too?
12:33Yes.
12:34So, let me get this straight.
12:37You have two women that you have great sex with, and I haven't been laid since the Niblet incident.
12:44I got nothing, and you're hassling me about a Danish?
12:47Shame on you.
12:52You were supposed to talk me out of it.
13:01Hey, guys.
13:02You owe me $750 for bailing these morons out of jail.
13:07Jail?
13:09Anyone want to tell me what happened?
13:11Moe? Larry? Curly?
13:14My neighbors were having a really loud party, so I used your anger buddy thing and called Lacey and Nolan,
13:21and they came over to try to calm me down, and then things got crazy.
13:25So, neither of you were able to help him control his anger? You just went over there, went all thunder
13:29gnome, and got arrested?
13:31What's that?
13:32No one knows that movie?
13:34For your information, Mr. Jump to Conclusion's face, we calmly went over there to dialogue with them.
13:43Turns out they were really nice and had tequila shooters.
13:47Lots and lots of tequila shooters.
13:50Tequila? What were you thinking? It's the Mel Gibson of alcohol.
13:55But then, when the cops got there, Patrick screwed up everything.
13:58All I asked was if they knew where the cowboy, the construction worker, and the Indian were.
14:03Then, and you'll be proud of us for this, somebody else started a fight, and we just ran away.
14:11They found us an awesome hiding place in the back of a car. Turns out it was a cop car.
14:16God, we were drunk.
14:20Then they got one phone call. They called me.
14:24Wait a second, wait a second. So, Patrick got mad, and he called Ed, but he wouldn't come over?
14:28Yeah.
14:29Yes.
14:30And then Lacey and Nolan came over, and you all got drunk, told up a cop, and got arrested?
14:34Yeah.
14:35And you called Ed to bail you out?
14:36Mm-hmm.
14:37You called Ed instead of me?
14:39Yeah.
14:40Phone system works!
14:46Oh, great.
14:50Charlie.
14:53Charlie!
14:53Is that what you think? She's the maid. I slipped. It just happened. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me.
15:01Charlie, it's 2012.
15:03What?
15:04Oh, right. We're divorced.
15:06Man, that was like riding a bicycle.
15:09Hi, I'm Jen. Charlie cheated on me a lot.
15:12Hi, I'm Ellie, and I kind of figured that out.
15:15Uh, do you have the check for Sam's cam?
15:18Yeah, it's in the kitchen.
15:19Got it. Uh, nice meeting you. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
15:26You know, if we start again right now, she might catch us on the way back out.
15:32Nah, she'll leave through the kitchen.
15:34You know, we could go do it on the front lawn, see if we get on Google Earth.
15:39Yeah, I've already done that.
15:42I'll show you later.
15:49Crap! Kate, just a sec!
15:59Hey!
16:02Hey, Charlie, can I borrow your binoculars?
16:04I'm skipping work to go to the Heritage Blues Festival with Victor.
16:07You're probably in a hurry once you come back out to your car and I'll bring them to you.
16:10Actually, I've got 20 minutes. Why don't we go upstairs and knock out a quick one?
16:14Are you kidding? You've got to get to a blues festival early.
16:17Half of the fun is watching the blind musicians trying to make it to the stage.
16:21You know what? I think they're in the kitchen. It's the big room with the stove.
16:27Are they in one of these drawers?
16:29I think so.
16:33Well, it's all just cooking stuff.
16:36I think they're in one of these drawers somewhere.
16:40Check the pantry.
16:44I don't see them.
16:45Look on the top shelf.
16:48I don't think they're here.
16:50Go back. Go back.
16:51And look again.
16:53Charlie, this is ridiculous.
16:55Oh, you're there.
16:57See? There.
16:58You're all set. You better get going.
17:02Okay, go. I mean, come on.
17:08Drive safe. Enjoy the songs of hard times and racial oppression.
17:13Thanks. See you later.
17:20That was so much fun. How turned on are you right now?
17:23Not as much as you.
17:25Where's Kay going?
17:26To a blues festival.
17:28Let's do it in her office.
17:31That would be insane.
17:32Are you not kidding?
17:34I don't think we should.
17:36Oh, I know we shouldn't.
17:38But we're going to, aren't we?
17:39Uh-huh.
17:41By the way, remember how you thought I was really smart?
17:44Yeah.
17:45You were wrong.
17:51Oh, wow.
17:54How perfect is it that Kate trusts you enough to give you a key to her office?
17:59Have you ever fantasized about having sex in here?
18:01Fantasized?
18:02No.
18:04Well, I have.
18:11This is so exciting.
18:13Come here.
18:15You know, this may sound crazy, but I think I'm having one of those bungee jump moments.
18:19What?
18:20It all sounds great when you sign up and then all of a sudden you're up there ready to go
18:24and you think, who's that screaming?
18:26And you realize, oh, it's me.
18:29Yeah, and then you jump and you never knew anything could be so exhilarating.
18:37I'm going to set the mood a little bit.
18:48Okay, so the mood is set for all of Santa Monica.
18:52Oh, this is so hot.
18:53We have to do it on the couch.
18:57Or, different idea, we go out of the parking garage, we do it in Kate's spot.
19:02It says head in only, but we can back in.
19:06Come on.
19:08Hey, I can't have sex on this couch.
19:10Hey, you said you wanted to do this.
19:11You can't just get me all revved up and then not follow through.
19:14Well, okay, you can, but then you have to finish strong.
19:18I'm sorry, but Kate's my best friend and I just can't do this to her.
19:22I don't know what it's called for the ladies, but I think I'm blue balling you.
19:27There's no word for it, because no one ever turned down sex from a hot woman.
19:31And let me tell you, I'm not crazy about being the first.
19:34But this is really, really unhealthy.
19:37I think we both might want to do a little work with Kate on our obsessions with dangerous sex.
19:42That might be your problem, but that's not mine.
19:44I went to see Kate because I was morbidly shy.
19:46Oh.
19:48Well, in that case, you're making terrific progress.
19:55On my couch?
19:57I just had that cleaned.
20:00I told you nothing happened.
20:02I felt horrible and I shut the entire thing down.
20:04I'm really sorry.
20:06Okay. Okay.
20:09Thank you for telling me.
20:11At least now I know that when Allie talks about that old guy who pink balled her...
20:17Pink ball?
20:19Yeah, blue balling for women.
20:21I knew I wasn't the first.
20:24Old guy?
20:26Just so you know, I think a little of this might be my fault.
20:33I should have never teased you about Victor.
20:35I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't think your intellect wasn't, you know, borderline above average.
20:43I'd probably still sleep with you, though.
20:46Hmm, Charlie-like.
20:49By the way, Victor and I are done.
20:52Really? What happened?
20:53He wrote me a love sonnet.
20:55Ooh, rookie mistake.
20:57I wonder this guy's 90 and single.
21:00He's just not my type of guy.
21:04Come over here.
21:05I'd love to, but Jen's gonna be over any minute.
21:08So, you're afraid she'll catch us?
21:11You know how you just said I was smart?
21:12Yeah?
21:13You were wrong.
21:37I've never been at the end of this night.
21:39You know what?
21:42I've got two appeals, too.
21:45I'm sorry.
21:45I'm really sorry.
21:47I'm...
21:54What's the name of it?
21:55I'm not even if the name of it is Jonathan Street.
21:55And it's not so great.
21:55I'm not, and I'm not gonna be aess.
22:02Where are you talking about the type of guy?
22:02I'm not a bad guy.
22:04Which is a classic guy.
22:04You can see that I'm not a bad guy.
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