- 4 hours ago
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FunTranscript
00:07Look at this.
00:09Look, not only does our darling daughter make us fresh orange juice in the morning,
00:12but she's also very considerately taped right to the picture
00:15the new Bloomingdale's buy-me-give-me-get-me catalog.
00:21Nicole doesn't have to shop at department stores like that.
00:23I mean, I could take her to places she wouldn't believe.
00:25I mean, places only I know about.
00:26Oh, yeah, great.
00:27Places where you shop, where the merchandise is pre-bagged
00:30and set out on the curb every Thursday.
00:33I know what our daughter likes, okay?
00:35I'm the one that works at home, remember?
00:36I know where she goes, I know what she does.
00:39I know who she hangs out with.
00:41Guys, how you doing?
00:43Nice shirt.
00:45Let's move, Nicole.
00:47See, I like to get to school ten minutes early, you know?
00:50I like to watch the steam rise off the track team while they do laps.
00:58Who is that?
01:00Oh, huh?
01:01That's a real good friend in the calls.
01:03Good morning, Dads.
01:04How you doing, Nick?
01:05Shelby, did you meet my dads yet?
01:07Nope.
01:11Dad, this is my new friend, Shelby Haskell.
01:14Hi.
01:14It's nice to meet you.
01:16Hello.
01:18Nice to meet you.
01:20Nice to meet you for the first time ever in my life.
01:22Mister, I know who my daughter hangs out with.
01:30Shelby thinks I should have a boy-girl party in the loft.
01:35Well, Joe, why don't you handle this?
01:36You two go way back.
01:39See, here's the thing.
01:40You two and Nicole are the talk of the whole school.
01:42You guys are symbols of love, cooperation, and understanding.
01:47Well, I thought we should all get together here and celebrate that with boys.
01:53What was the question?
01:55I want to give a party.
01:57With boys?
01:58Yes.
01:59No.
02:00Girls?
02:01Joe.
02:02No.
02:02No.
02:03No.
02:03No boys.
02:04No boy-girl parties.
02:06No boys.
02:07Party yes, boy no.
02:09Is that your last word, Tarzan?
02:11Yes.
02:12Good.
02:13Now, here's what we're going to do.
02:15We're going to have a boy-girl party right here in the loft, and I'm going to tell you
02:17why.
02:18I'm going to hate this.
02:20Joe, look, this is a very significant moment in our daughter's life.
02:22I assume you remember what happened the first time we had a boy-girl party?
02:25Yes, I do.
02:26Uh-huh.
02:27I was pivotal.
02:29This is exactly why I don't want to have a party for her, let alone here.
02:33I mean, we have the first party for her here.
02:34What are we saying, Michael?
02:36We'll be saying, hey, you get your little adolescent monkey paws off my daughter.
02:40And especially, we'll be saying, gee, aren't we glad that Nicole is here at this party in
02:45our place, instead of being at a party in Shelby's little dark hellhole of a basement.
02:50Capisce?
02:52This is perfect.
02:54Now, are these lights on a dimmer?
03:04You can count on me No matter what you do
03:09You can count on me No matter where you go
03:14Standing by your side I'll be right behind
03:18No one loves you more than I do
03:21Put your hand in mine I can see a part of me and you
03:28There's something special that comes shining through
03:32I hear it in your laughter And I feel it when you cry
03:37I will be right there for you Until the day I die
03:42You can count on me No matter what you do
03:48You can count on me No matter where you go
03:53You can count on me
03:58Nick, this is just as much your house as it is my house, and I want you to feel like
04:01you can have any kind of party here you want.
04:05And my house.
04:08I want you to treat this place with respect, okay?
04:10So there are a couple of things that we just want to work out.
04:13Okay.
04:13Now, no boys over 14 years old, right?
04:16I want everybody out of here by 10 o'clock.
04:19Dads, this is just a little get-together.
04:21Nothing's going to happen.
04:23Yeah, you've got my absolute guarantee.
04:31Well, thank you.
04:36I say, uh, hickey check in the morning.
04:42Hello.
04:44Hey, Corey, how you doing?
04:45Now, take a close look at this boy, okay?
04:48You want us off your backs, you invite 15 of these to your party.
04:54A, uh, dog was about to mess up your mail, so I brought it up.
04:57Was that okay?
04:58Thank you very much.
05:00It's all dry and everything, even this letter for Nicole, which looks kind of personal,
05:05but we each have our own lives, and she doesn't have to tell me who it's from if she doesn't
05:08want it.
05:11Help!
05:13Help!
05:13What?
05:16I can't believe it.
05:18Too excited.
05:19I smell boy.
05:20I can't believe it.
05:21It's from Zach.
05:24Zach?
05:25Perhaps a, uh, kindly but aging uncle?
05:29Zach Nichols.
05:30So we went to Camp Okefenokee up in the swamp together for three summers.
05:33We met in the infirmary when we were nine.
05:35It was so cute.
05:36He had this mosquito bite in his eyelid, and it swelled up so big, it looked like a second head.
05:42I can do that.
05:45And our last summer, we were both 11.
05:47They had this carnival, and there was a marriage booth, and we got married!
05:51I still have the ring.
05:53Kill me now.
05:56So, uh, Mrs. Zach, what does hubby have to say there?
06:00He's moving here.
06:01He's going to our school!
06:04I have this great idea.
06:05Why don't we make the party in his honor, so everybody gets to meet him?
06:08Is he cute?
06:10Rawr!
06:12What the heck was that?
06:19Let's get to school and tell every human being we see.
06:22Bye, Dads.
06:23Come on, Cory.
06:26I delivered the letter myself.
06:28I took that letter out from under that dog at great risk to my own personal sneakers.
06:34You know, I think Nicole's going to do to me what that dog was going to do to the letter.
06:40Hi, Cory.
06:41Oh, bother.
06:44Well, Cory's depressed.
06:46Nicole got married in a swamp.
06:49I always wanted a big swamp wedding.
06:52Gnats swarming.
06:53Alligators snapping.
06:55My family sinking into the bog.
06:59Cory feels a little threatened because the kid's moving up here.
07:04When do we meet him?
07:05Well, Nicole's going to have a little party to introduce him to all of her friends.
07:09A teenage party?
07:11With boys?
07:12Here?
07:13In my building?
07:14Yes.
07:15I have two words for you.
07:18Uh-uh.
07:20Judge, we're both going to be right here to make sure nobody has any fun whatsoever.
07:23Wrong, Mikey.
07:25They're going to have fun because we're here.
07:28I mean, look how lucky these kids are, huh?
07:29Their first party with boys, and their chaperones are not the wrinkles Jay Geezer and his wife Wheezy.
07:36It's us.
07:37Young, hip, us.
07:43Talk to him.
07:45Joe.
07:46Let me explain something to you.
07:48See, this is how kids Nicole's age count.
07:50Seventeen, eighteen, old, coma, dead.
07:55Joe, here's the natural order of things.
07:57When the Aztecs were your age, they'd wander out onto the desert to die so they wouldn't be a burden
08:03to their children.
08:07Joe, these are your wander years.
08:11Oh, yeah?
08:15Hey, what's the matter?
08:17You afraid you're going to get showing up, huh?
08:20You're afraid that I'm going to be a big hit in front of Nicole's friends, and you're just going to
08:23be good old Mr. Taylor.
08:25Yeah, that's exactly it.
08:26Joe, look, it doesn't matter.
08:28No matter what you do, these kids are going to see you as some old guy in a polyester sports
08:32coat and big bell-bottom pants and a flower tie and sideburns down to your ankles.
08:37Maybe I should bring a date.
08:39Ew, gross.
08:40Old people making out.
08:42Oh!
08:56Nicole, ever since Zach's letter came, I've been kind of jealous and I've been acting stupid.
09:04I know I've been embarrassing you in school with all the crying and stuff, and I want to apologize.
09:12Apology accepted.
09:14Let's pick boys for the party.
09:16I've made a list.
09:21No, no, yes, no, yes, yes.
09:23Oh, God, yes.
09:26How'd you decide so fast?
09:27I use a numerical system.
09:29On a scale of 1 to 10, they have to be at least a 6.5.
09:32Ladies, I'm surprised at you.
09:34Ladies, I'm surprised at you.
09:35This is sexist.
09:36There's more to a man than just looks.
09:39There's personality, sensitivity, bulk.
09:43I mean, if it's wrong for a woman to be a sex object, isn't it just as wrong for a
09:49man?
09:49Um, we don't mean to offend anyone, especially a 9 1⁄2 like you, Mr. Klawicki.
10:00More fries?
10:10What's my rating?
10:11Ten.
10:12Ten, huh?
10:13Ten!
10:15Ten.
10:16Ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten.
10:19The woman I love called me a ten.
10:22Zach can't beat that.
10:23I am home free, uh-huh.
10:26Hey, I'm a ten.
10:29Good.
10:33Hey, Wake, how you doing?
10:35Hey, about Nicole's party.
10:37Want to cater it?
10:38Jeez, I'd be honored to, Joe.
10:40What's the, uh, theme for the evening?
10:42Celibacy.
10:49Excuse me.
10:50I'm looking for Nicole Bradford.
10:52She lives in this building.
10:54And, uh, who should I say is calling?
10:59Tell her it's her husband.
11:10You grew up beautiful.
11:13I'd marry you all over again.
11:16Ew.
11:21Smooth, Joe.
11:23He's like a, he's like a little version of you.
11:38I can't believe you wore a suit.
11:41Of course I wore a suit.
11:43Hey, Kojo's wearing a suit.
11:44I told you tonight, I'm gonna behave like a father.
11:46I was very firm on this subject.
11:47I remember because I gave myself chills.
11:50What do you mean to say that you were gonna wear the dark blue death suit?
11:53I mean, only Ward Cleaver wears the dark blue death suit to a party.
11:58Yes, Joe.
11:59I am Ward Cleaver.
12:00And I'm proud.
12:01Because at least Ward knew how to behave at the Beavs' parties.
12:04He knew to stand by the punchbowl like a tower of dullness.
12:07And when June suggested, hey, Ward, why don't we get down with our bad selves and show these
12:12youngsters how to Watusi?
12:14It was Ward who responded, and correctly, oh, no, sweetheart, that's what Joey would do.
12:20Yeah, and from then on, all the parties were at Lumpy's house.
12:25Hey, Nick, the party has arrived.
12:27Could you let them in?
12:28I'm not ready.
12:29You got it, babe.
12:31Joe, just, just remember, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.
12:36Why?
12:38Because you can.
12:43All right, now, this thing, this is the M2D power envelope amplifier.
12:48This thing's got 200 watts per channel, not counting the preamp, all right?
12:51Now, look, look, hey, you guys, uh, you Stevie Winwood fans?
12:55Hey, uh, Joe, wait a minute.
12:57You know what you ought to do?
12:58You ought to come by some weekend, we'll sit around, we'll listen to a couple of the
13:01old albums he did when he's with Traffic.
13:03Joe!
13:06Excuse me, my Aunt Muriel's calling me.
13:10Traffic?
13:11Albums?
13:15Joe, you're annoying everybody, and no one likes you.
13:18It's not me, Michael, it's your suit.
13:20It's sucking all the oxygen out of the room.
13:25Flowers!
13:26Nice touch, Kupkas.
13:29Corey!
13:29Hi.
13:31Would this be for me?
13:33It's a friendship bouquet.
13:36You are so sweet.
13:39Ah, that's gotta be him!
13:40Everyone else is here!
13:45Hi.
13:46It's him!
13:46He's here!
13:55Hi.
13:57Hi.
13:58I'm ready to go!
14:05I thought I'd show this rose how pretty you are.
14:09Oh.
14:13Hey, look who's here.
14:15Guest of honor.
14:16How you doing?
14:17Thanks.
14:18Thank you both.
14:19You sure know how to make the new guy feel welcome.
14:21Hey, well, Nicole speaks very highly of you.
14:24That's great.
14:25Because I sure have missed her.
14:30Come on, everybody.
14:31We've got burgers on the table.
14:32I can't eat them all myself.
14:34We've got sliced tomatoes.
14:35What else do we need?
14:36Uh, excuse me, sir.
14:37Do you have any more chips?
14:41Yes, yeah, sure we do.
14:43What'd you say?
14:44He just wanted to know if there were more chips.
14:46I said, I'll get them.
14:46No, I want to hear him say it.
14:48I just wondered if there were any more chips.
14:51I hope I'm not out of line, sir.
14:53There, there.
14:54There.
14:55You called me...
14:58Sir.
15:00Yes, sir.
15:01Don't do that.
15:02Don't do that.
15:03Look, look, you don't have to call me, uh, that, okay?
15:07I mean, just think of me as one of the guys, okay?
15:08They call me Joe.
15:12Why?
15:18Knock yourself out.
15:22Good.
15:23That's a nice, friendly atmosphere of terror in the room.
15:27It's good to keep everything under control.
15:32I am nobody, sir.
15:35Here we go.
15:38Come on, what kind of party is this, huh?
15:39We got the girls on one side of the room.
15:41We got the boys on the other.
15:42Let's, uh, come on, crank it up here.
15:45Let's have a party.
15:46Come on, who wants to dance?
15:50Nick.
15:54Come on, let's go.
15:55Let's go.
15:57Let's go.
16:02Let's go.
16:16Let's go.
16:18Birthday greetings, bottle of wine
16:22If I'd been down till quarter to three
16:25Would you love the door?
16:29Will you still need me?
16:31Will you still feed me?
16:32When I'm sixty-four
16:40I'm a fossil
16:43I'm a mummy
16:46You should put me in one of those climate control cases
16:48So I don't rot
16:51Oh, man, if I look up and you're smiling
16:53I'm gonna drive your teeth right through your cheeks
16:58Thank you
17:05Joe, look at it this way
17:06You broke the tension, okay?
17:07There was tension there
17:08You broke it
17:08That party is definitely happening out there now
17:11Of course, we're in here now
17:14Coincidence?
17:15I don't know
17:18Is the music a little bit loud?
17:19I only mention it because my guts are humming right now
17:22It's perfect
17:23Nobody makes out to music like this
17:25See, now there you go
17:27That's great
17:27You're functioning just like a dad
17:30Dear old dad
17:31Come on, you're very alive
17:33You are, in fact, I will admit
17:34There are times I feel a little stuffy next to you
17:38That's true
17:39Of course, there are other times
17:41That you make me feel real smart
17:44Like tonight, huh?
17:45That's correct
17:49Shh, shh
17:50Come on, come on
17:51The music's done
17:57Hi
17:59Margaret Wilbur, federal judge
18:02I was just relaxing in my chair
18:05When I couldn't help but hear the music
18:08Hi
18:09Margaret Wilbur
18:11Well-connected down at Juvenile Court
18:17Which one's that?
18:21Cute
18:24Hi
18:26Margaret Wilbur
18:28Nicole's like a daughter to me
18:31I support capital punishment
18:36Welcome to the neighborhood
18:38Thanks
18:39It's a real pleasure
18:44Well
18:44Just thought I'd come up and introduce myself
18:48Why don't I turn the music back on for you?
18:56There
18:57That's nice
19:08Nicole
19:10May-may I
19:11Have this dance
19:13Treasure this moment
19:17Excuse me, Zach
19:18I believe I asked her first
19:19I believe it's her call
19:22Nicole
19:24Nicole
19:32Uh
19:33Nicole, you know, as a rule
19:34I don't usually do this
19:36Come here
19:36Fine
19:38Fine
19:39Fine
19:39Fine
19:43Cora
19:46I'm sorry
19:47I'm sorry
19:48You wouldn't believe how sorry I am
19:53I'm sorry too
19:55I usually make a better first impression
19:59I really want you guys to like me
20:04But there's some things worth fighting for
20:08I'll call you tomorrow, Nicole
20:10No, you won't
20:19Hey, Nick, come on
20:20You're just gonna have to get used to guys fighting over you
20:22Why?
20:23You inherited that from your mother
20:27I really like Corey
20:28And we like all the same things
20:30And we have a good time just talking
20:31What do you call that?
20:33You call that friend?
20:36Well, I'm Zach
20:36Ron, Zach
20:37I got all nervous
20:38I don't know what to say
20:39And I feel like my head's too big
20:41What do you call that?
20:43It's called, uh
20:44It's called trouble for me
20:46It's called breach of contract
20:48What?
20:49Now, correct me if I'm wrong
20:50But when we got you
20:52Weren't you like this little girl?
20:54And they said
20:55Do you like this little girl?
20:56And we said
20:56Oh, yeah
20:57We love this little girl
20:59But now, where did it say that you could grow?
21:02I mean, suddenly you're turning 14
21:03And there's parties and boys
21:06And this Shelby person I got a shooting pain
21:08And I got a sneaking suspicion
21:11That next year, this time
21:12You're gonna want to be 15
21:13Huh?
21:14Well
21:15I gotta tell you, Nick
21:16I'm your father
21:17And I'm a lot wiser than you
21:18And I've been giving this some thought
21:20And I've decided that from now on
21:23You're 10
21:25Hey, I want to cut in here, okay?
21:27I just want to say
21:27That I think we should let her be her own age
21:29Why?
21:31Because I think we should all be our own age
21:33Oh, you do?
21:34Yeah, I do
21:35I mean, take our age, for instance, right?
21:37You know why?
21:38You know why it's so good to be our age?
21:39No, why is it so good to be our age?
21:41Because we've already been her age
21:43And who else better than us
21:44To help her get through it?
21:46Well
21:47Nice to have you back
21:52Now
21:55What did they answer your old man, huh?
21:58Yes, sir
22:21You know, Nicole, as a rule, I don't usually do this
22:25I don't usually do this
22:30I don't usually do this
22:31I don't usually do this
22:33I don't usually do this
22:36I don't usually do this
22:37I don't usually do this
22:38I don't usually do this
22:40I don't usually do this
22:41I don't usually do this
22:41I don't usually do this
22:42I don't usually do this
22:42I don't usually do this
22:42I don't usually do this
22:43I don't usually do this
22:43I don't usually do this
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