- 4 hours ago
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00:08Oh, yes.
01:17Papers here?
01:18Is that the Sunday paper?
01:20I heard the paper. Dibs on the magazine.
01:38Well, wouldn't you... Look at this.
01:40Chrysler Cordoba, 1976, original paint.
01:48Oh, the review of books.
01:50How very exciting.
01:53Listen to this. Listen to this.
01:54Here's a guy. He's in prison for arson.
01:57He writes a book.
01:58Playing with Fire.
02:00Right away, catchy title.
02:01And it's about a guy who, coincidentally enough,
02:04himself gets out of prison
02:05and proceeds to set fire to everything he sees.
02:07The guy's name, ready for this?
02:09Vernon Vernon McCracken.
02:12They let this guy out of jail?
02:14He sounds like a guy with revenge on his mind.
02:17I'd hate to be the judge that sent this guy up.
02:19Yeah.
02:21Yeah.
02:34You can count on me
02:38No matter what you do
02:40You can count on me
02:42No matter where you go
02:45Standing by your side
02:47I'll be right behind
02:49No one loves you more than I do
02:52Put your hand in mine
02:54I can see you're part of me and you
02:59There's something special
03:01That comes shining through
03:03I hear it in your laughter
03:06And I feel it when you cry
03:08I will be right there for you
03:11Until the day I die
03:13You can count on me
03:17No matter what you do
03:19You can count on me
03:22No matter where you go
03:24You can count on me
03:27Read it. Page one.
03:29Read what Vernon Vernon wrote.
03:33I am the cleansing fire
03:35I will smoke out those who judge me
03:38They will stand unprotected
03:39And I will judge them
03:40For I am the avenging flame
03:43Ooh, the avenging flame
03:45That's what I get when I eat Mexican
03:47I don't like him talking about smoking out judges
03:50I think he means our judge
03:51Honey, it's fiction
03:52That's not real
03:53It's a threat
03:54The book might as well have been tied to a rock
03:56And thrown through the judge's window
03:57She is in danger
03:59This kind of thing goes along with her profession
04:01What do you want to tell her?
04:01You want to tell her to stop being a judge?
04:03She can be a judge
04:04A kindly, merciful judge
04:06Who never puts anybody in jail
04:08She's got to put people in jail
04:10Otherwise, she gets ootsie
04:13Nicole, when you're in the public eye
04:15You get threats
04:16It's the same for celebrities
04:17And sports heroes
04:20Don't
04:20Especially sports heroes
04:22Don't
04:22Yep
04:23Sports heroes get them all the time
04:25You mean like you?
04:27Oh, Joe
04:29Why I got threats
04:30Was because I made some bad snaps
04:32That maybe cost a couple or eight games
04:35So I started getting some very threatening letters
04:37But I ignored them
04:38And nothing happened
04:40Wait a minute
04:41That was around the same time my car blew up
04:46Smoke
04:47Oh, yeah
04:48Eight-track tapes flying all over the place
04:50No, no, no
04:51No, I smell smoke
04:55There's some here, too
04:57Fire!
05:02Fire!
05:02Fire!
05:15Hey, Nicole
05:16I will burn down the buildings
05:19Those who judge will I judge
05:21Come on, Michael
05:22Wake up and smell page fifty-seven
05:24Hey
05:25Blackie
05:26It was a grease fire
05:27Okay?
05:28Klawicki had a grease fire
05:31Hey, Joe, do you still believe
05:33that Vernon Vernon had nothing to do
05:35with the fire at Kluwikis?
05:36Still reading that book, huh?
05:38Yeah, and not doing her homework.
05:40Fine. I'll do my history.
05:42We're studying World War II.
05:43Did you know that started as a grease fire?
05:47You guys got some imagination.
05:51Gee, I wonder where she gets that from.
05:55Hey, one can never have too many fire extinguishers.
05:58What are you gonna do with this?
05:59Put out a burning clown?
06:00No.
06:02Hey, it's okay to be brave in front of Nicole,
06:04but you and I both know that we could be in danger here.
06:06No, actually, we don't know that.
06:08I mean, I know Nicole thinks that the judge is in danger,
06:10but you're saying now that we are in danger?
06:11Yes.
06:12Yeah, hey, I read the book.
06:14The guy says that he's gonna burn the buildings
06:15where the judges are hiding.
06:17Well, we're living in the building
06:18where the judge that put the guy away is hiding.
06:21That's words. That's just words on paper.
06:23Creative writing.
06:24You know, you're an artist.
06:25You know that creative stuff is nothing.
06:28Just, listen, just don't get paranoid.
06:29He doesn't even know where she lives.
06:31Hey, I'm just being careful.
06:32I'm nowhere near paranoid.
06:34Wait a minute.
06:35Wait, wait, wait.
06:46If the sparrow flies at dawn,
06:50will the billy goat know truth?
06:55I forget mine.
06:57It's okay.
07:00Hey, guys, I found this in front of the judge's door.
07:04It's a burning Vernon's book, all right?
07:06All right, all right, don't panic.
07:07Don't panic, all right?
07:09Yes.
07:10To Judge Wilbur, I'm burning to see you.
07:13All right, so he does know where she lives.
07:15We're all gonna die.
07:16All right.
07:19Judge, burning Vernon's book was found on your doorstep this morning.
07:22And look what he wrote.
07:23I'm burning to see you.
07:24That's a threat, Judge.
07:26Sweetie, if I had a nickel for every threat I've gotten,
07:29I'd have a little over a buck.
07:33Judge, we all admire your courage, okay?
07:35But this is getting a little scary.
07:37You gotta get yourself some protection.
07:38I think we should call the police.
07:40No.
07:40Why are you being so stubborn?
07:42You tell some guy who got mugged in the village
07:44there was no cop around because I needed to be protected.
07:47From nothing.
07:49Hey, this is not nothing.
07:50Is this how you handle evidence in your courtroom?
07:51I would say that we have reasonable grounds to panic.
07:56Boys, if you want to panic, don't let me stand in your way.
08:07Where are you going?
08:08Where are you going?
08:09I'm going back to court.
08:11Me too.
08:12Why?
08:12Because we enjoy each other's company.
08:14And since you think it's perfectly safe to be with you,
08:17within match-striking distance of you,
08:21you should have no objection to my coming along.
08:24Nobody likes a smart-ass kid.
08:29Fine, don't like me, but stay here and let us protect you.
08:32I don't need protection.
08:34Judge, look, at first I felt the same way you do,
08:36but now I'm scared and I want to move, frankly.
08:38You know what you need, Judge?
08:40You need a bodyguard.
08:41Joey, I read his book, too.
08:44I think you can interpret it any way you want,
08:46and it still doesn't mean anything.
08:48That's why it's a critical success.
08:51Now I'm going to my apartment.
08:52I'm going to freshen up,
08:54and I'm going to continue my day.
08:56You're not going to be able to get into your apartment.
08:58Why?
08:59I changed the locks.
09:02That's it.
09:03You're right.
09:04I'm in terrible danger, I admit it.
09:06I need to be protected.
09:08From you!
09:13You hired someone to protect a judge without even considering me.
09:17Hey, wait, come on.
09:18We thought about you,
09:19but what kind of experience you got as a bodyguard?
09:21Hey, 14 years in pro football,
09:23I protected the quarterback.
09:24Protection was my business.
09:27And in those 14 years of my protecting the quarterback,
09:30I'll have you know only one died.
09:33Hey, Clark, he...
09:35Don't.
09:36Clark, he, look.
09:37The guy that we got, he's a professional officer,
09:40and he volunteered for this anyway
09:42because he knows the judge personally.
09:43Don't.
09:44And look, he works in the courtroom.
09:46He works in the courthouse?
09:47Eeps.
09:48Michael.
09:50What?
09:51You got a shrimpy little stenographer?
09:55You said you needed somebody who could scare people!
09:58You need size!
10:00You need big!
10:02Who's bigger than me?
10:17Hi, everybody.
10:19Get your meat hooks off me, you mutant.
10:23She's the feisty one, isn't she?
10:26I'm Bull Shannon.
10:28Bodyguard.
10:31Okay, Judge, these folks look safe.
10:35Wait a minute.
10:38Who's the little guy?
10:52Hold her right there, little fella.
10:55Just what do you think you're doing?
10:57What's it look like, bullet head?
10:59I'm pouring coffee.
11:01How do we know it's not poisoned?
11:03Bull, he pours a thousand cups of coffee a day.
11:07So maybe he's a mass murderer.
11:12Well, taste it first.
11:13Part of my job.
11:32What are you doing?
11:34Many of your lethal toxins require time to take effect.
11:37So now we just wait for the convulsions to kick in, is that it?
11:41Hey, if he dies, how do we get him out of here?
11:45All righty, it's not poison.
11:47Though I certainly wouldn't have a second cup.
11:52Well, my cup's empty.
11:53I must be ready to go.
11:55Good night, Ford.
11:55I'm out of here.
11:56All righty.
11:57Everybody puts their hands where I can see him.
12:08Are you my long-lost brother, Timmy?
12:16By the way, boys, thanks for the bodyguard.
12:19I feel so much safer with this banana following me around.
12:25All clear.
12:26Stay close.
12:27I got a choice.
12:30I feel better.
12:31I do.
12:32It's nice to know the judge is being protected by somebody who may or may not know what the hell
12:36he's doing.
12:38Bull's no bodyguard.
12:40Tasting coffee?
12:42Nobody poisons coffee anymore.
12:44Anymore?
12:45I guess that would be the good old days, huh?
12:47He doesn't have the eye.
12:50Me, I smell danger a mile away.
12:53That guy walks in.
12:55If he's trouble, I spot him right away.
12:59Something the way he carries himself.
13:02Something the way he looks.
13:05Now, not everybody can see it, see?
13:09But I see.
13:10I got a trained eye.
13:12It's a gift.
13:16Hi, can I help you?
13:19I'm just looking around.
13:21Can't a guy just look around?
13:34That's gotta be him.
13:36That's Vernon Vernon.
13:37The worst thing we can do is jump to conclusions.
13:39Anybody seen a Judge Margaret Wilbur?
13:44I think we should jump now.
13:46I'm here to take care of her.
13:47I think we should jump now.
13:49We don't know enough to jump.
13:50Hey, you sell lighter fluid?
13:53Jump!
14:00Look, if people don't want their feet washed,
14:04you can't wash people's feet against their will.
14:09Leave them alone.
14:16$50 and time served.
14:20Next case.
14:23Wait!
14:24Can't be too careful, Judge.
14:26I better frisk him.
14:31Wait a minute.
14:32I'm the assistant DA.
14:35Oops.
14:37Paul, you frisk one more woman,
14:39I'm tossing you out of this courtroom.
14:42Okey-dokey.
14:45Your Honor.
14:46What?
14:47More crime?
14:49This is Mr. Harold Streebeck.
14:51He's been accused of burglary.
14:52I was trying to deliver a singing telegram.
14:55And nobody was home.
14:56I'm paid to be persistent.
14:58So he broke in through a window.
14:59I object.
15:00The man is innocent until he's proven guilty.
15:03Shut up, thief.
15:05You have a lawyer?
15:06No, Your Honor.
15:07I'd like to plead my own case.
15:09I really think a lawyer could help you.
15:15Never mind.
15:17I'd ring-singin' telegrams.
15:20I'm no thief, not me, no ma'am.
15:22The VCR they found on me
15:24was purely circumstantial.
15:27Wrong.
15:31Believe it or not, Your Honor,
15:32this is Mr. Streebeck's third offense.
15:35Maybe we should sign up to sing-sing.
15:42You are one big doofus.
15:46Thank you, ma'am.
15:49Hold Caruso for trial.
15:51Next act.
15:55I like the way the old hangin' judges presided.
15:58They could reach a decision just by lookin' at somebody.
16:05Guilty.
16:08Hey, Judge, this is all Michael's fault.
16:10Oh, you're great under pressure, Joe.
16:11We didn't even start, and you'll crack your lousy,
16:13stooly thinker.
16:14I want to see my mouthpiece.
16:16I want to see my mouthpiece.
16:17Order, order in this court.
16:19You actually say that?
16:21Do you know, um, do you know, uh, objection sustained?
16:25I love this.
16:28What's the charge?
16:29Assault and battery, Your Honor.
16:32You are so strict.
16:34Why is that man bleeding?
16:36He was struck on the head with a cast-iron skillet.
16:41Why?
16:43Well, look at him, Judge.
16:44He's a suspicious-looking, obvious-criminal-Bernin'-Bernin' type.
16:50Who's the arresting officer?
16:56So we screwed up.
16:58Gene, you were supposed to stay undercover.
17:03I was trying to.
17:06You know this guy?
17:08Officer Eugene?
17:09Sure.
17:10NYPD.
17:11Assigned to stake out your apartment in case Bernard Vernon showed up.
17:15You assaulted a police officer?
17:18You didn't have to do that.
17:20You want to see where I work?
17:22You just come visit.
17:25Actually, Your Honor, these men are just accessories.
17:28Where's the perpetrator?
17:33Hi, Judge.
17:34I got busted.
17:35Hold it.
17:36First of all, she doesn't get tried in this court.
17:39She gets tried in juvenile court.
17:41And she doesn't get tried at all, because I can't believe she did anything.
17:47Lacko.
17:49We already had him knocked out.
17:51She just wanted to do her part.
17:54You got a report?
17:55Yes, Your Honor.
17:58I entered the premises at 6.15 this evening, inquired as to your whereabouts, and regained
18:03consciousness approximately 12 minutes later, whereupon I promptly arrested everybody I
18:07saw.
18:10Come on, Judge.
18:11It's his word against ours.
18:12We're neighbors.
18:12We live in the same building.
18:14Who are you going to believe?
18:18We're going to the big house, aren't we?
18:23You know, I admit, prison life takes some getting used to.
18:28The rooms are small.
18:31It's hard to entertain.
18:34It's impossible to make a fashion statement.
18:37But isolation can sometimes be good for creativity.
18:43In fact, to some people, prison life can be downright inspiring.
18:54Wouldn't you say, Vernon?
18:57Hiya, Judge.
19:02What's it been?
19:03About six years?
19:06Boys, I'd like you to meet Vernon McCracken.
19:10Vernon, Vernon.
19:11Oh.
19:14Scary dude.
19:17Relax.
19:18You won't have to wrestle me to the ground or anything.
19:26Judge, I'm here because I want you to send me back to prison.
19:30They're waiting for my second book.
19:33And I can't write on the outside.
19:35Freedom is much too distracting.
19:38In prison, there was a creative community.
19:41And there was a guy named Ice Pick Izzy, who was the best darn editor a fella could ask for.
19:48You got writer's block, and you want me to send you back to jail?
19:52Please.
19:53I miss Izzy.
19:57No can do, Vernon.
20:00But I'm booked on the Today Show.
20:03Brian Gumbel's gonna ask me about my next book.
20:06You know he will.
20:08And I got nothing to tell him.
20:11He'll tear me to shreds, Judge.
20:13You gotta put me away before 7 a.m.
20:16Eastern Standard Time.
20:18I can't send you back in for no reason.
20:22How about if I kill you?
20:24You're an arsonist, not a murderer.
20:27People change.
20:29I changed in prison.
20:30I traded burning things down for writing books.
20:34Whatever's creative.
20:37I'll tell you what.
20:40Supposing I could arrange for you to go back in three mornings a week.
20:44You could work with the inmates.
20:47They could benefit from your example.
20:50Starting tomorrow.
20:53I'm sorry.
20:54I'm sorry.
20:55I'm sorry.
20:57I'm sorry.
21:09You could work with the American criminals collection.
21:10I've already got German Vernon, the dairy killer.
21:14German Vernon, the evangelist killer.
21:17And after you, all I need is wheat German Vernon, the serial killer.
21:30Hey, Judge, thanks for convincing the cop to drop those charges.
21:34I figured felony assault wouldn't look good on Nicole's college application.
21:39Well, anyway, now you don't have to worry about burning Vernon anymore, huh?
21:43I was never worried.
21:45You were worried when I wanted to stay with you.
21:47You were afraid something might happen to me.
21:51So?
21:54So you were afraid.
21:57I was afraid for you.
21:59Because you love me.
22:01You love all of us.
22:05Tell me you love me.
22:08Yuck.
22:10Come on, Judge, face it.
22:11You are a member of this family, and that scares the hell out of you.
22:14But we care about you, and we're always going to be around to protect you.
22:17What do you think of that?
22:23I've had worse threats.
22:40I've had worse threats.
22:41I've had worse threats.
22:42I've had worse threats.
22:42I've had worse threats.
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