- 2 days ago
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00:01Happy birthday!
00:03Oh, wow! Totally adored!
00:04This is supposed to be great stuff!
00:06It's Joey's favorite cologne.
00:08And, no doubt, the official scent of the Indianapolis 500.
00:11Smells terrific.
00:14Very fragrant. Keep it away from open flames.
00:19Thanks, Nicole. Thanks, everybody.
00:21I mean, this was really terrific.
00:22Hey, Corey, you're 13.
00:25You're a teenager.
00:26Feel any different?
00:28Oh, not exactly.
00:30Was I supposed to?
00:31Yeah. Yeah, don't you want to borrow the car?
00:34Stay out all night?
00:36You know, come rolling in at dawn in big trouble, huh?
00:39Oh, well, well, I can't drive yet,
00:41but I guess I could take the subway in,
00:43and if I rolled in at 9.30, that'd be a half hour later
00:45than I'm supposed to be in, so I guess I'd be
00:47in some trouble. Would that be okay for now?
00:51Yeah. Forget it.
00:54You know what? How about,
00:56Well, in honor of the birthday boy,
00:57Joey and I treat you two kids to the movie of your choice
01:00tomorrow night. Selection of movies subject to approval.
01:02You must be back by 8 o'clock. Your mileage may vary.
01:04What do you say?
01:05Yeah. Yeah, that'd be terrific.
01:07All right. Good.
01:09Uh-oh. Hey, uh, your brother's here, Cora.
01:11Oh, hey, Roy. Uh, you missed the whole party.
01:13Oh, gee, I must have timed it just right.
01:16Roy Kupkes, you son of a gun.
01:18And you're still an unpleasant person.
01:21Mr. Taylor, you're looking rested.
01:27Well, see, I think you know everybody, right?
01:29Not me.
01:30Oh, good. Because you're a judge,
01:32and, uh, you two would have met eventually.
01:34Judge Wilbur, this is Roy Kupkes.
01:37Show her the profile, Roy.
01:39Hey, Corey, uh, Mom wanted me to pick you up
01:42because it's raining.
01:43She's afraid you'll dissolve.
01:45Oh, okay, let me get all my stuff together.
01:47Hey, happy birthday, all right?
01:49Hey.
01:49And we will see you tomorrow night
01:51when you come to pick Nicole up
01:52at the properly early appointed hour.
02:00Well, I'll see you tomorrow night for the movie.
02:03Happy birthday.
02:04Thanks.
02:16Sit down.
02:18Why? I thought we were gonna go.
02:20You call that a kiss?
02:22The mouth, on the mouth.
02:25You put your lips to her lips and hold.
02:28Breathe through your nose, got it?
02:31Come on, Roy, that was Nicole.
02:33Well, excuse me for being a guy,
02:35but I thought she was your girlfriend.
02:37She is.
02:39Well, then you ought to be getting
02:40more than a mouthful of cheek, shouldn't you?
02:43Hey, Corey, this guy bothering you?
02:46Uh, no, Mr. Kulwicky, he's my brother.
02:48I know, is he bothering you?
02:51Hey, Soda Jocky, you got a menu or do I guess?
02:55Terribly sorry.
02:57May I recommend the...
02:59Watch your attitude, punk on toast.
03:03Roy, be nice.
03:05Kid, kid, these big guys,
03:06they think just because they're overgrown
03:08I'm supposed to be, like, intimidated.
03:16At your convenience, sir, I'll have a milkshake.
03:20Coming up.
03:22Look, squirrel head,
03:23Dad's not around anymore.
03:25That leaves me in charge of guiding you
03:26through your dorky adolescent years.
03:29I'm just not sure about this kissing and everything.
03:32Well, you gonna fight nature?
03:34You're 13 now, you're a man.
03:37More than that, you're a cup kiss.
03:40Now, you got a date with Nicole tomorrow night, right?
03:44Well, I'm gonna be there to make sure
03:45you're not watching the movie.
03:50This is me, Nicole Bradford.
03:52Cute, huh?
03:53This is my dad.
03:54And this is my dad.
03:56How'd I get you, Dad?
03:57They inherited me.
03:58Congratulations.
03:59It's a girl.
04:01Here's the judge who brought us together.
04:03She lives in our building.
04:04My building.
04:05I own it.
04:05She's gonna make sure we're one big happy family
04:08with one dad who's down to earth
04:09and one dad with his head in the clouds.
04:12I think we're father of the year.
04:14You can count on me
04:17No matter what you do
04:19You can count on me
04:21No matter where you go
04:24I'm standing by your side
04:26I'll be right behind
04:28No one loves you
04:30No one loves you more than I do
04:31Put your hands by me
04:33You can count on me
04:36No matter what you do
04:39You can count on me
04:41No matter where you go
04:44You can count on me
05:03No matter what you do
05:03Hey Corey, how are you doing?
05:05Hey Corey
05:06I know you're here a little early
05:08Nicole's not even home from school yet
05:09Oh, yeah, I know. She has Glee Club on Fridays. Uh...
05:12That's why I came over.
05:13I wanted to speak to you and Mr. Harris alone.
05:16Okay.
05:17Okay, yeah.
05:18You want to sit down?
05:19Yes, I believe so.
05:26As you know, Nicole and I have been out a number of times
05:29and done homework together on many occasions.
05:34Yes.
05:37Oh, this is very awkward for me.
05:39Like I'm not awkward enough already.
05:42I just didn't know who else to talk to.
05:45I mean, my dad's not around anymore,
05:47and you're the only older guys I know.
05:49Hey, Corey, we're on your side.
05:51Yeah, whatever it is, we can talk about it.
05:53Really?
05:54Sure.
05:57Okay.
05:59Should Nicole and I be kissing?
06:08When you say kissing, you mean like kissing goodnight at the end of a date?
06:12No.
06:14Like kissing all during a date.
06:20If this is too awkward for you...
06:22No, no, no.
06:22Hey, it's not too awkward, and I know exactly the answer to your question.
06:25And it goes like this.
06:26Time out.
06:27Time out.
06:27What?
06:29Golden opportunity at the sink.
06:31Hey, what are you talking about?
06:32Opportunity.
06:33Knocking.
06:34Sink.
06:35What?
06:36Go to the sink.
06:42Excuse us.
06:45Listen, our daughter's boyfriend just came to us for advice on what he should be doing
06:48with our daughter.
06:49This is terrific.
06:50It's terrific.
06:50Do you understand why it's terrific?
06:52Yeah, because we can kill him now.
06:53No.
06:54Look, most fathers of girls, they live in the dark.
06:57They don't know what the boy is thinking.
06:58They don't know what the boy is doing.
06:59So they worry, they imagine the worst, they bleed internally, and they die.
07:04But we have the opportunity to influence the boy.
07:08We can shape him.
07:09We can get him to do what we want him to do.
07:13We don't want the boy to do anything.
07:16I agree with you.
07:17Look at him.
07:18Look at this kid.
07:19He's like a young tree.
07:21He's a young tree about to grow his first leaves.
07:24We are the gardeners, okay?
07:26We can prune him.
07:27We can shape him.
07:29So he'll grow tall and strong and never lay a branch on our daughter.
07:35Okay.
07:36Make sense?
07:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:38Okay.
07:38All right, all right.
07:39I mean, hold on.
07:42Corey, I get the feeling, and this is just me, that you're not really comfortable with
07:49this whole kissing thing, or else you wouldn't have come to us in the first place.
07:52I get the feeling that you would like to take this a little slower, and you're just waiting
07:58for somebody to tell you that it's okay.
08:00Well, it's okay.
08:02You take this as slow as you want.
08:07You sound like Pat Boone.
08:12I don't know, you know.
08:14I do like Nicole, and maybe I should kiss her.
08:18Don't.
08:20What?
08:21Look, Corey, I know some of your friends are kissing now, and, you know, but Michael and
08:26I, we're your friends, too.
08:27And we're saying, don't.
08:31What Mr. Harris is trying to say is that maybe there are some girls who think that they're
08:36ready for this, but Nicole, she's special, you know?
08:39And, and if you try something that she doesn't want to do, you could ruin everything.
08:43And I don't think that she would have a lot of respect for you.
08:48Isn't that what you're trying to say, Joe?
08:49Yeah, don't.
08:54Corey, hi, you're early.
08:56Were you supposed to get something to eat before the movie?
08:58A movie.
09:00That's what I came by to tell you, Nicole.
09:02You know that English assignment where we have to write a sonnet by Monday?
09:06Well, I'm not real good at poetry, and it's going to take me the whole weekend.
09:12Why?
09:18Because I have to think a lot.
09:22So, I don't think tonight's such a great idea.
09:25Maybe when we're older.
09:27Goodbye.
09:33What's wrong with him?
09:34Did I do something?
09:35No, no, sweetheart, you, you didn't do anything.
09:37Oh, really.
09:38And you won't.
09:44You know, kid, it pains me to see you like this, Friday night, 13 years old, you're heading
09:50a book instead of some girl's ear.
09:53Well, what can I do, you know, Nicole, my main squeeze is sick with the flu.
09:59No, no, no, looking at you sitting there all alone, I'm one sad cup kiss.
10:07Gee, I wonder who that could be at this hour.
10:12Samantha, what a surprise.
10:15Come in, come in.
10:17Oh, and who's this?
10:18It's my little sister, Sabrina.
10:21Nice to meet you.
10:22Oh, well, you come in, too, my dear.
10:25Excuse the mess.
10:26I certainly wasn't expecting visitors tonight.
10:33Hey, can I take your coats?
10:35So, uh, what would y'all like to do tonight?
10:39Perhaps a friendly game of Parcheesi?
10:42We could cuddle.
10:43Well, sure.
10:45That's all right for you and me, but what about Sabrina here?
10:49Wait.
10:52Corey.
10:53Hey, maybe he could keep your company.
10:57Happy birthday, kid.
11:08Hey, I got a great idea.
11:11I got this real sad movie we could watch on tape.
11:14And why is that a good idea?
11:18Because, Mr. Dork, the girls will cry a lot.
11:21We give them mucho comfort, you get it?
11:24I don't want to do this, Rory.
11:25What do you mean you don't want to?
11:27I mean, I'd rather have a bag of mosquitoes tied around my head, okay?
11:33Well, what about Nicole?
11:34You like her, don't you?
11:36Well, you think she's going to wait around?
11:38Girls got needs.
11:41Corey, I'm a little chill from the rain.
11:45How old is Sabrina anyway?
11:4720?
11:5014 and a half.
11:52Well, look, maybe those two have needs, but Nicole doesn't.
11:54She is a special girl.
11:56Oh, who told you that?
11:58Her father's.
12:00Oh, well, let me give you my big surprise face.
12:05What do you expect them to say, moron?
12:08They don't want you to touch her.
12:10They're the enemy.
12:14Nicole's just not like Sabrina.
12:16I can see it now.
12:17The mood is right, and Nicole turns to you and says,
12:20Now.
12:20How?
12:21And then you turn tenderly and whisper,
12:24How?
12:43Okay, what's going on?
12:45I just called Corey, and his phone just rings and rings.
12:47And he told me he'd be home working on a sonnet.
12:50And why does he need all weekend for a sonnet
12:51when he knocked out Ode to Nicole in one lunch period?
12:54Listen.
12:58You are Bacall, and I am Bogart.
13:02You are the fruit in the bottom of my yogurt.
13:11So you see what kind of talent he has.
13:13Why did he cancel on the movie?
13:15And why did he tell me he needs all weekend to write a sonnet?
13:25Please, Mommy, don't be sick.
13:27Stop crying, sweetheart.
13:29Mommy has to die now.
13:33But maybe she comes to the operation, okay?
13:37Oh, there, there.
13:42This is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life.
13:47Well, let's keep on watching and see how it ends.
13:58You want to dance?
14:00No.
14:04No move.
14:10Gee, look who got well soon.
14:12Hello, Roy.
14:13Your phone's broken, so I was just stopping by
14:15to see if Corey needed any help with his sonnet.
14:18Oh, well, gee, Nicole,
14:20I think he's got all the help he's gonna need.
14:29Hey, Michael,
14:31you know that Nicole's over there talking to Corey right now
14:34asking why they're not going to that movie.
14:36This isn't gonna blow up in our faces, is it?
14:38Hey, he's a 13-year-old kid,
14:40and besides us,
14:41his only advisor is his older brother,
14:43the Marquis de Kupkis.
14:44So our advice to Corey
14:46just neutralizes his advice to Corey.
14:48Yeah, you're right.
14:49Hey, we did the right thing.
14:50Yep.
14:54Why the hell do I listen to you?
14:57He told me he was studying.
14:59When I got to his house,
15:00he was slow dancing with some girl.
15:04Sweetheart,
15:05there may be a very reasonable explanation.
15:08Yeah, maybe it was a cousin
15:10that he hasn't seen for a while,
15:11you know,
15:12or a friend that he was consoling,
15:14or maybe it was just a practical joke
15:17and you happened to walk in at the wrong time.
15:20You're good.
15:23Thanks, Dad,
15:24but I know what was going on.
15:25Boys have urges,
15:26and he was having urges tonight.
15:28Excuse me,
15:29you know about urges?
15:30I know about urges.
15:31Of course you do.
15:33Incidentally,
15:34how?
15:37My mom,
15:38hygiene class,
15:39books.
15:39Oh, oh, okay.
15:40So,
15:40so this knowledge is purely academic
15:42and in no way obtained
15:44in any kind of tactile manner.
15:48I don't know what you're talking about.
15:50You've made me very happy.
15:54What should I do?
15:55I mean,
15:55maybe I should be having urges, too.
15:58Hey.
16:00Hey,
16:00why,
16:01why,
16:02why do you think that, sweetheart?
16:05Some of my girlfriends
16:06are kissing boys.
16:08Name names.
16:09They say it's the only way
16:10to keep a boy interested.
16:12Do you think Corey's not interested anymore?
16:14Is that why he was with that girl?
16:19Honey,
16:20you can't do
16:20something that you don't want
16:22just to keep Corey interested.
16:23Why not?
16:25Aren't you more interested
16:26in girls who kiss?
16:30Humming,
16:30humming,
16:31humming,
16:31humming,
16:31humming,
16:32humming,
16:32humming,
16:32humming,
16:32humming,
16:33humming,
16:33humming,
16:34See,
16:34Nicole,
16:35this is the wonderful thing
16:36about having two dads.
16:37One of them has a blowout,
16:38you got a spare.
16:40Now,
16:41honestly,
16:41don't you think you're a little too young
16:42to be thinking about kissing?
16:44I'm almost 13.
16:45Yeah,
16:46but we just got you.
16:47Toss,
16:47you're like five months old.
16:48Yeah,
16:48we're just still happy
16:49you're sleeping through the night.
16:50Yeah.
16:51I'm not a baby.
16:53Nicole,
16:54boogie-boogie-boogie.
16:56Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie.
17:06She's right,
17:06Michael,
17:07real babies go nuts
17:07for this stuff.
17:08Really?
17:09Dad,
17:10I need your help.
17:11All right,
17:12all right.
17:12Sweetheart,
17:13all right,
17:13let me ask you,
17:14do you,
17:15do you want to be kissing boys?
17:17Please say no.
17:21I'm not sure.
17:25Corey's special to me.
17:27Yeah,
17:27well,
17:28you're special to us.
17:29And we save all our best advice for you.
17:32So,
17:33anybody who's really worth it's going to be interested in you
17:35without the kissing.
17:37That's right.
17:41I was never interested in girls like that.
17:46Boy,
17:46I tell you,
17:47it's tough to have a daughter.
17:48Yeah,
17:49I always thought I'd have a son.
17:52One day,
17:52he'd come to me,
17:53and he'd say,
17:54Dad,
17:55you know,
17:55I've been having these,
17:56uh,
17:56these feelings about girls.
17:58And I'd sit him down,
18:00I'd look him in the eyes,
18:01and I'd tell him the most important thing
18:03that my father ever told me.
18:04Son,
18:05don't get caught.
18:09Sage advice,
18:10Joe.
18:11Listen,
18:11when you get a chance,
18:12do me a favor.
18:13Never talk to my daughter.
18:17Roy,
18:18leaving so soon?
18:22Yeah,
18:22I was just looking for the runt.
18:23Did you stop by here?
18:25You mean,
18:25Cory,
18:25no.
18:26Yeah,
18:26what a wuss.
18:27You know,
18:28I set him up on the perfect date,
18:30instant experience,
18:31no questions asked.
18:32And what does he do?
18:33Runs like a shrimp.
18:35Wait a second.
18:36What are you saying?
18:37You said you set him up?
18:38Your little birthday surprise.
18:40Yes.
18:41So then,
18:41Cory is in no way responsible
18:43for why our little girl
18:44is in tears right now.
18:45Oh,
18:46is she?
18:46I am terribly sorry.
18:50But you know,
18:51the way I look at it,
18:52I was doing Nicole a little favor.
18:54How do you figure that?
18:56Well,
18:56she's a sweet kid,
18:57and you want the best for her,
18:58right?
18:59So I'm making Cory into the best,
19:01teaching him how to make the right move
19:02at the right time.
19:08What's he doing?
19:10Parenting.
19:10It only hurt for a minute.
19:12You know what?
19:13I think right now,
19:14the right move is bye.
19:22He looks like a short spy.
19:25I don't know what's wrong.
19:27He's been sitting there almost an hour,
19:29nursing the same soda.
19:32No fries?
19:33I offered him some.
19:35Told me to mind my own business.
19:37He said that?
19:39To you?
19:40Yep.
19:41Then he left me a $6 tip.
19:45I forgive him.
19:56The seat taken?
20:08Corey.
20:10Corey.
20:12Corey.
20:12Hello, Nicole.
20:13Mr. Harris, Mr. Taylor.
20:15Hey.
20:16You okay, Corey?
20:17Before I can answer any questions,
20:19I'll have to consult with my attorney.
20:25I'm fine.
20:30I'm fine.
20:36Corey,
20:37it's okay.
20:38Roy came looking for you
20:39and he told us what happened.
20:41We told Nicole,
20:42you're cleared.
20:44There goes my retainer.
20:46Well,
20:47there is still one more thing.
20:51Nicole,
20:53my brother says
20:54you and I should be up to kissing by now.
20:57Your fathers
21:00disagree.
21:03What do you think?
21:06I don't know.
21:06What do you think?
21:10Nicole and I need to talk about this kissing thing.
21:13Could we be alone?
21:14No.
21:19Okay, then.
21:28Uh,
21:29Nicole?
21:34Uh,
21:35have you been waiting for me
21:36to make my move
21:37like Roy says?
21:38No.
21:39Are you afraid
21:40of what my fathers
21:41will do to you
21:41if you try anything?
21:44Yeah.
21:47But I'm more afraid
21:48of
21:48messing things up
21:50between you and me.
21:53I'm not ready yet, Corey.
21:55At least not for what
21:56your brother's talking about.
21:59I don't even know
22:00what my brother's talking about.
22:03This is working out
22:04better than we deserve.
22:06Uh,
22:07do you think
22:08you ever will be ready?
22:10Someday.
22:15when?
22:18As soon as she is,
22:20you'll be notified
22:20through your attorney.
22:24Okay.
22:26Okay.
22:28In the meantime,
22:29ice cream's on me.
22:38A happy ending.
22:41I feel all aglow.
22:47It's the lucky felon
22:49who appears
22:49before me tomorrow.
22:54Well,
22:55another day,
22:57another preteen crisis
22:58successfully contained.
23:00Yeah, but
23:01someday
23:02she's gonna be a teenager
23:04and someday
23:05she's gonna come here
23:06with real teenage problems.
23:09And you know what
23:10we'll tell her someday?
23:12Hum-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.
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