- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:05Lady, get out of the house.
00:12Oh, that's it. She's dog food now.
00:15Hey, Joe, don't you think maybe this is a little too violent for Nicole?
00:18Come on, lady, get out of the house.
00:23Oh, here comes a chainsaw.
00:27Oh, lady, get out of the house.
00:29Come on, lady, get out of the house.
00:33Okay, next lady.
00:37Maybe we should watch something less gruesome.
00:48Hello?
00:53Hi. Where are you?
00:56Here. You're back in the States?
00:58You're back in this state.
01:00What are you doing in New York?
01:02You're visiting me.
01:04Yeah, but I'm surprised.
01:06Of course I'm thrilled.
01:07I'm standing here thrilled.
01:08You should see me.
01:11In an hour.
01:14Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
01:17Oh, boy.
01:18What's going on?
01:19Oh, boy.
01:20What's the matter? Who's coming to visit?
01:22My mother.
01:29This is me, Nicole Bradford.
01:31Here, Tom.
01:32This is my dad.
01:33And this is my dad.
01:34How'd I get to, Dad?
01:36They inherited me.
01:37Congratulations.
01:38It's a girl.
01:39Here's the judge who brought us together.
01:41She lives in our building.
01:42My building.
01:43I own it.
01:44She's going to make sure we're one big happy family with one dad who's down to earth and
01:48one dad who's his head in the world.
01:51I've been wet on all the years.
01:52You can count on me no matter what you do.
01:58You can count on me no matter where you go.
02:03I'm standing by your side.
02:05I'll be right behind.
02:07No one loves you more than I do.
02:10Put your hands by.
02:12You can count on me no matter what you do.
02:18You can count on me no matter where you go.
02:22You can count on me.
02:28Ma, you just got here.
02:30What are you feeding us?
02:30We ate.
02:31Oh, you cooked, Michael?
02:32No, we had Chinese.
02:34Take out food.
02:35Well, Joe, you just set off the mother alarm.
02:37Don't you cook for Nicole.
02:39It's skinny time.
02:40Nicole, you are too skinny.
02:42It's tuna time.
02:43It's only a tuna sandwich, but it's the best I could do on such short notice.
02:47Oh, she'd make the greatest tuna fish sandwiches all day.
02:49I never used to eat at home.
02:50I think I gave my own mother a tuna inferiority complex.
02:54Oh, you are in for the pastry of your life.
02:59Mm-hmm.
03:01Mm-hmm.
03:01Mm-hmm.
03:02Mm-hmm.
03:03Don't ever leave.
03:06Nicole, there's a funny thought.
03:09Oh.
03:10Oh, I remember when you used to take a bite out of one of my sandwiches, and I would look
03:14at that face, and I would say, someday this boy is going to be gorgeous.
03:17And I was right.
03:19You are gorgeous.
03:21Um, it's my tuna fish smile.
03:25But I don't understand the beard.
03:27Why do you cover up that face?
03:29Go shave.
03:32Go on.
03:35Okay.
03:39Hello?
03:40Hey, Corey, how you doing?
03:43I'm fine.
03:44So, uh, yeah, what do you want to talk about?
03:46Dad?
03:47Oh, you want to talk to Nicole, huh?
03:50All right, well, she's right here.
03:51All right, bye.
03:54I can't believe it.
03:56If I had drawn a picture of what I wanted in a grandchild, there she is.
03:59We're the luckiest two dads I know.
04:01Who's Corey?
04:03A friend of Nicole's.
04:04He's more than a friend.
04:05Oh, you mean she's Nicole's best friend?
04:07No, we mean she's a boy.
04:09Great kid.
04:10You're going to like him.
04:12Guys, don't use the elevator for a while.
04:15The inspector was just here.
04:17Apparently, the city code calls for metal cables.
04:21Hello?
04:22Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
04:24Uh, this is the judge that gave us Nicole, and she's our landlord.
04:27Judge Margaret Wolber, this is my mother, Evelyn Taylor.
04:30Oh, very pleased to meet you.
04:33Michael didn't tell me you were coming or I would have worn clothes.
04:38That reminds me.
04:39Can I borrow some detergent?
04:41My clothes just all stood in the corner and demanded to be washed.
04:46I'll check.
04:49Hi, sweetie.
04:51Hi, Corey.
04:54I get a hive judge when she's talking to a girlfriend, but it's just a wave when she's
04:59on the phone with her boyfriend.
05:00Boyfriend?
05:01Great kid.
05:02You're going to like him.
05:03So you're the one who's responsible for this arrangement.
05:07It is so comforting to know there is a woman around who can teach these boys how to do all
05:12those little things her mother's always had to do for them.
05:16Yeah.
05:19How much do I use?
05:21How big's the load?
05:23So big by so big?
05:25Half a cup.
05:26You've done this before.
05:28Very nice to meet you.
05:30Oh, well, I hope we can get together.
05:31I'd love to know how you and the boys work this all out.
05:33Oh, they do all the working out.
05:36I just stop in from time to time to tell them they're going to die if they use the elevator.
05:41That's the judge.
05:42She gave us Nicole.
05:43We give her Boratine.
05:45Come on.
05:45Let's finish our snack.
05:48Well, this certainly is an interesting table.
05:52I made it.
05:53As you can see, it was a bicycle.
05:54I took the spokes out and put a little piece of Formica in here to fill the wheels in.
05:58What I'm going to do is put a trash can lid on here, make this like a lazy suit.
06:04It's very creative.
06:06I made everything in here.
06:07And it's wonderful.
06:09I mean, I've always told Michael he should have a hobby.
06:15It's not a hobby.
06:17You know, Ma, it's interesting, but Joey actually sells a lot of this stuff.
06:20He didn't sell this.
06:23Yeah, well, how could he?
06:24Where would we eat?
06:26Well, Joey, I know you're an artist, and all of this seems like a lot of fun.
06:32Yes.
06:34But really, do you want to spend the rest of your life doing things like this?
06:39It seems such a waste of your talent.
06:42That's what my father said.
06:43Well, maybe he has a point.
06:45Uh, Nicole.
06:46Hey, Nicole, you're being rude.
06:48Bye, Corey.
06:50Come on, talk to your grandmother.
06:52Come talk to your grandmother.
06:53And look who came to talk to you.
06:56Sorry, Grandma.
06:57Oh, I know it's almost time for your bed.
07:00But before I tuck you in, you know that suitcase that Joey said was so very heavy?
07:05There just might be one or two things in there for you.
07:07Really?
07:08Yeah.
07:12Grandparents are great.
07:13How many more do I have?
07:30You know, these pillowcases don't match these sheets.
07:33Darn.
07:36I wonder if I snuck into my room to get the other one.
07:38No, it's not worth the risk.
07:39You wake your mother up, she's going to come out here and say, hey, Joe, isn't a little cold in
07:42here?
07:43What's the matter?
07:43Didn't she sell enough art to buy heat?
07:46Hey, Joe, it's just four days.
07:48Ninety-six hours.
07:49And heck, four of them are already over.
07:52She's going to be asleep for the next eight.
07:53And like that, we're down to 84.
07:56My heart of time flies, huh?
07:59Michael.
07:59Pillowcases.
08:00My pillowcases didn't match.
08:02Oh, I figured you had mine.
08:03You know, I was putting my things away in your closet and I noticed the moths were getting at a
08:07couple of your sweaters.
08:08Now, I could mend them.
08:10Mothballs.
08:10But now you might finally use mothballs.
08:13Shoe trees.
08:13And those shoe trees I sent you?
08:15Use them?
08:16Mm-hmm.
08:17Oh, and one more thing.
08:18I know this has probably been on your minds, too, and I can help you here.
08:23Oh, she must be in your closet now.
08:25Now, I know how we can keep this boyfriend thing from getting out of hand.
08:28There's no boyfriend thing out of hand.
08:31Twelve years old is too young for Nicole to have a boyfriend, especially in today's world.
08:36I mean, if she's dating at twelve, what's she doing at fourteen?
08:39Ma.
08:39Taylor.
08:40I don't like what you're thinking about Nicole.
08:42Oh, Joey, you're misunderstanding me.
08:44I think Nicole's an angel.
08:46But she's a kid.
08:47She takes her cues from her parents.
08:49So I guess she's not insulting Nicole.
08:51Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
08:51She's insulting us.
08:53Michael, you have a responsibility to instill the proper values in Nicole at as young an age as you can.
09:00No matter what happens to your child, it's always the parent's fault.
09:04She's still insulting us?
09:06No, no, now she's insulting Mother Wilkes Booth.
09:09Ma, there's not going to be a problem because Corey's not really a boyfriend.
09:13I mean, all they really do together is study.
09:15And talk on the phone.
09:16Yeah, study and talk on the phone.
09:17That's it.
09:18Does she study and talk on the phone with any other boys?
09:20No, just Corey.
09:21He's a great kid.
09:22So no matter what you say, it's still an exclusive relationship, which means boyfriend, which means trouble.
09:28Now, here's my plan.
09:30Okay.
09:31We arrange for her to study with some other boy.
09:35I mean, not that she can't see Corey, but that way she doesn't become obsessed with him.
09:40Doesn't that make sense?
09:42Fine.
09:42No, it doesn't.
09:43We'll talk to her about it first thing in the morning.
09:46Oh, fine, fine.
09:47Good night, boys.
09:48Good night.
09:50Hey, Michael, what did you just agree to, huh?
09:52I agreed to peace, Joe.
09:54Relax, relax.
09:55In 83 hours, my mother's going to be on a plane to Florida telling a co-pilot how to raise
09:59his kids.
10:01So in the meantime, be passive, avoid conflict.
10:06Be like Mahatma Gandhi and meditate while you wait for the British to leave India.
10:12Boys, don't stay up all night talking because you know I'll just come back like I used to and turn
10:17out the lights.
10:23Oh, my God.
10:30Oh, my God.
10:31Find the subject in this sentence.
10:33The dog ran very fast down the road.
10:36The dog is the subject and the rest is the predicate.
10:39I'll write your turn.
10:40Find the subject.
10:41Nicole and Marshall should study together all the time.
10:47Let's change the subject.
10:49You see, boys?
10:51See what?
10:52Well, everything's fine with Nicole.
10:54Oh, don't thank me.
10:56Just takes a little experience.
11:01Um...
11:02Michael, this is a big mistake.
11:04Why are we doing this?
11:05Because your mother said to?
11:06Nicole does do a lot of homework with Corey.
11:08And my mother coincidentally pointed that out.
11:11Come on.
11:12Who is it going to hurt to make my mother happy?
11:26Hello, Nicole.
11:28Hello, Corey.
11:30You know Marshall.
11:32Marshall?
11:33Yes, I believe you played dodgeball once.
11:36So sorry about that shot to your head.
11:41Have your ears stopped ringing yet?
11:43Oh, it was really nothing once the swelling went down.
11:47We should play again.
11:49We should.
11:51Oh, well.
11:53I don't mean to interrupt as I see you have some studying to do.
12:03My life is over.
12:07Go on, Michael.
12:08Go on.
12:08Go on.
12:09Tell him that it's only going to be a couple days.
12:11Please don't think that I'm jealous or anything.
12:14Please don't think that when I see them together,
12:16I just want to take my three-ring binder
12:19and pull one of those rings open
12:21and catch his lip in it.
12:28What is happening to me?
12:30I'm not this kind of a person.
12:33I collect three UNICEF.
12:36Hey, Corey, it's natural for a guy in your situation
12:38to feel this way.
12:40Yeah, and why is he in this situation, Michael?
12:42Hey, Joe, I just got a great idea,
12:44and here it is.
12:45Shut up.
12:50Hi, Nicole.
12:51Hi, Marshall.
12:53Hi, Nicole and Marshall.
12:56Goodbye, Nina.
12:58Hi, Mr. Taylor.
13:00Hi, Mr. Harris.
13:01Hi, Corey.
13:04Hi, Nina.
13:07Everybody at school says you and Nicole
13:09aren't studying together anymore.
13:12You know, if there's a subject you're really hurting in,
13:15perhaps I could help you.
13:21I'm kidding.
13:27Well, Dad, I'm done studying with another boy now.
13:31Certainly hope you're pleased.
13:34Now I'm just going to go back upstairs to the loft
13:37and watch Grandma pick out my school outfit for tomorrow.
13:41Unless I get a phone call or something.
13:47Give me a quarter!
13:49I mean,
13:52might I please have a quarter?
13:54Here's 50 cents.
13:56You talk as long as you want.
13:57Thanks.
13:58Hey, Corey,
13:59if anybody's mother answers,
14:00hang up.
14:01Hang up.
14:28Okay.
14:30Either you're trying to get me up or I'm having to dream about the train again
14:34Hey, I have not been able to sleep all night, Michael
14:37And I can sleep through anything, anything I can sleep through
14:40But you know what is keeping me awake?
14:42Your mother's asleep
14:45Yeah, that's the big dark secret in my family
14:47Every night at 3 o'clock, my mother goes unconscious
14:51Boy, did I make a mistake
14:52I let her criticize my art, I let her criticize my family
14:55I mean, I don't mind her picking on me for a couple days
14:58But when she gets my daughter upset for one second
15:00That is it, I have had it
15:02Joe, I know you're upset
15:05But it's just for a couple of more days
15:09That's it, that is it, that's it
15:12That's the last time you say that to me, the last time
15:14You said that to me 50 times, I kill you, I kill you
15:1750 times you said that to me, I kill you
15:20What's going on?
15:22Pillow fighting, guy stuff
15:24Sweetheart, go to sleep, this doesn't involve you
15:28Adults get to stay up late and have all the fun
15:30What do you mean it doesn't involve her?
15:32Your mother got her involved
15:33Hey!
15:35You're not allowed to yell at my mother
15:37You're right, you know, I can't yell at your mother
15:39Because she's your mother
15:40She's not related to me
15:41Good
15:42But I can't yell at my mother-in-law
15:47What's all the noise?
15:48What's everybody doing up?
15:51We're talking calmly, we're talking calmly
15:53Oh, a family powwow
15:56Well, it's a strange time for it
15:57But look, if we're all going to be up
15:59I'll make some tea
16:00I don't want tea
16:01No, he doesn't generally drink tea
16:02How about some milk?
16:04No, I don't want milk
16:04He had milk for lunch
16:06I know, a nice tuna sandwich
16:12No, uh-uh
16:13Uh-uh
16:14This is my home
16:15That is my refrigerator
16:16That is my stove
16:17If I want something to eat
16:19I'll go downstairs to Klawicki's
16:20And I'll order it
16:21It's two o'clock in the morning
16:23You want a milkshake?
16:25Okay
16:28Isn't it a little late?
16:30No, Ma
16:31I think it's just, just in time
16:33Nicole, sweetheart
16:35Take your sweater
16:37This one?
16:46Well, you certainly don't have to tell me
16:48What that was all about
16:50Oh, he'll get over it
16:53You'd think so, wouldn't you?
16:55But interestingly
16:56He's not the getting over a type
16:58He's the type that screams and yells
17:00Until things get fixed
17:01Oh, do things need to be fixed?
17:03Mom
17:05Nicole is not your daughter
17:06But she's my granddaughter
17:08There's a big difference there, Ma
17:10There's a whole layer of parent
17:12You're just sort of jumping over
17:13Was I wrong to say a 12-year-old
17:15Is too young to go steady?
17:17No, Ma
17:18You're right about most 12-year-old girls
17:20But you're wrong to make my daughter a generality
17:22You're wrong because you don't know her
17:24And I do
17:25You're wrong because you're not here
17:26I am
17:28Michael, forgive me
17:29But you and Joey
17:31I mean, this is no time
17:33For a couple of boys to play at being parents
17:36Ma
17:37We're getting real close to the part where I yell and scream
17:41Well, maybe I should just pack my bags
17:43And get on a plane back to Florida in the morning
17:46No, maybe you shouldn't
17:47Because we've got to talk right now
17:49Let's pick it up from where you said
17:51Joey and I don't know how to be parents
17:53Oh, Michael, I didn't mean that
17:55That's exactly what you meant
17:58Did you ever change a diaper?
18:00I mean, did you ever rock her to sleep in the middle of the night
18:04Or try to understand her first words?
18:10Or take her for her first haircut?
18:13No, Ma, I didn't
18:14You did all those things
18:16You're a good parent
18:17That's not the issue here
18:18Well, then what is the issue, Michael?
18:20In your heart, you don't believe that Joey and I are proper parents
18:22However, if I met a woman tomorrow
18:24And we got married the next day
18:26And we had a baby nine months later
18:27That would be fine with you, wouldn't it?
18:29I don't know
18:30Tell me more about this woman
18:34You're impossible
18:36Oh, Michael, forgive me
18:38It's just that no matter how old you get
18:41I always think of you as my little boy
18:43And Nicole is my little girl
18:47Which makes us both parents now
18:49We are members of the same club, Ma
18:52I expect the same rights and privileges that you've had
18:57I respect you
19:00Now you respect me
19:04You want me to look at you as a father, Michael
19:08And forget the little boy I taught to tie his shoes
19:13And hold a spoon
19:16You want me to go from being your mother
19:18To your friend
19:21And you consider that a promotion
19:25I want
19:27I want you to consider
19:29That my being a parent
19:31Is going to teach me how much
19:33You've always loved me
19:41All right
19:44It's your turn to bring up a child
19:49I hope you do as well as me
19:53Thanks
19:58Getting late
20:02Hey, Ma
20:06Could you make me pudding?
20:16Okay, I think I've got it
20:18I doubled the mayonnaise
20:19And chapped in some Bermuda onion
20:25No
20:27No
20:27Why?
20:28What is missing?
20:29I don't know
20:30Okay, it's not hers
20:31And when she makes tuna
20:32There's something else in there
20:34Maybe it's snail polish
20:42What are you doing here at this hour?
20:45We're hungry
20:45What are you doing here?
20:46I had night court
20:48I'm going to have my dinner now
20:53It's three o'clock in the morning
20:54She should be in bed
21:02You listen to me, Judge
21:04You listen to me
21:06I am her father
21:08Now, I don't care
21:09If it is the middle of the night
21:10If she is hungry
21:11I'm going to bring her down here
21:13And I don't have to ask anybody, okay?
21:14I don't have to listen to what anybody else says
21:16Because I am her father
21:23Still hungry, sweetheart?
21:25No
21:28Get the hell upstairs
21:32Yes, ma'am
21:45Good, very good
21:47You be sure and tell your sister
21:49About the new me
21:49Maybe then she'll have some children
21:56Hey, Cory
21:59Cory, I don't believe you've met my grandmother
22:05Oh, well, I got an anonymous phone call
22:07That said you needed someone to walk you to school
22:13Young man
22:14I'm dead
22:15No?
22:17Now, Nicole's two fathers seem to hold you in very high regard
22:22And who am I to argue with Nicole's two fathers?
22:26Thanks, Grandma
22:31Leaving so soon?
22:33Oh, Michael and I thought it was best
22:35Get your coat
22:35Why?
22:37Well, you're taking me to the airport
22:38Isn't that the customary son-in-law thing to do?
22:40Well, maybe I'm busy
22:41Well, maybe I don't care
22:43And maybe we have some things to get over
22:46And maybe I can make it worth your while
22:48How?
22:50One can of fancy albacore tuna
22:52In water
22:55A half a cup of celery
22:58And a quarter teaspoon of
23:02Fennel
23:05Fennel
23:07Fennel
23:09Fennel
23:09Of course, Michael, Fennel
23:12What's Fennel?
23:36Fennel
23:37Fennel
23:37Fennel
23:37Fennel
23:37Fennel
23:41Fennel
23:42Fennel
23:44Fennel
23:45Fennel
23:45Fennel
23:46Fennel
23:46Fennel
23:46Fennel
23:47Fennel
23:47Fennel
23:48Fennel
23:48Fennel
23:48Fennel
23:49Fennel
23:49Fennel
23:49Fennel
23:51Fennel
23:52Fennel
23:54Fennel
23:55Fennel
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