- 5 minutes ago
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00:15It's no big deal.
00:17You back so soon?
00:18Hey, that's it. No more movies from Finland.
00:21You took Nicole to that European sex movie?
00:23Well, how are you supposed to know?
00:25It has this lovely Scandinavian title,
00:27The Family Svensk.
00:28And the poster shows this adorable little freckle-faced girl
00:31Standing in a field of wheat.
00:33So, how are you supposed to know?
00:34I knew.
00:35You saw it?
00:36I'm in it.
00:38Is that dad?
00:39Now, Judge, as one woman to another,
00:41Shouldn't I be allowed to see movies like that?
00:44Go home and make Rice Krispie squares.
00:48Yes, ma'am.
00:50And from now on,
00:51We're only seeing movies with dogs, all right?
00:53Benji dogs and Lassie dogs and 101 Dalmatian dogs, right?
00:56Just dogs.
00:59So, Michael, how was the movie?
01:03Woof!
01:13Dad, I'm gonna learn about all this somewhere, you know.
01:15Oh, what is that? A threat?
01:17Can I tell you something, Missy?
01:18I don't want you learning about sex in a dark theater.
01:20I'd rather you get your information about sex at home.
01:33Wow.
01:36I never saw this one before in my life.
01:44You can count on me
01:48No matter what you do
01:50You can count on me
01:52No matter where you go
01:55Standing by your side
01:57I'll be right behind
01:59No one loves you
02:01No one loves you more than I do
02:02Put your hand in mine
02:04I can see you
02:06I can see you are with me
02:07I can see you are with me and you
02:08I can see you are with me and you
02:24You can count on me
02:27No matter what you do
02:29You can count on me
02:32No matter where you go
02:34You can count on me
02:38I'm sorry if we interrupted you or anything
02:40If you want, we could come back in
02:42What do you need?
02:42Five minutes?
02:45Just great
02:46Just great
02:47Live and in person
02:48The worst possible thing you could see
02:51Joe, do you have anything to say for yourself?
02:53Yeah, get out of here
02:55Good suggestion, Nicole
02:56My name's Nicole
02:58There we go
03:01Jenny Slater
03:02Joey's told me all about you
03:04Really?
03:05Well, how long have you known my dad?
03:07Oh, a long time
03:09I own the art supply store on 7th
03:11He stops in all the time
03:16Is this your sweater?
03:18I love it
03:19Well, thank you
03:20Although my dad never lets me leave my clothes in a pile on the floor
03:27Well, gosh, isn't this wonderful
03:31A cozy little chat between my daughter and her new naked friend
03:37I think I should get dressed
03:38See, that would be a good plan
03:40And, uh, you, uh, you may need these
03:44Those are mine
04:00Nicole
04:01Room
04:01Come on, Michael
04:02You think I don't know about this stuff?
04:04We're all adults here, aren't we?
04:06Oh, yeah
04:06Yeah, exactly
04:07We're all adults
04:08Hey, how to husband?
04:09How to kids?
04:11It's okay
04:12She could stay
04:12She could stay
04:13It's no big deal
04:15Hey, look, Nick
04:15Look, Jenny and I
04:16We, I mean, we like each other a lot
04:19And because we like each other so much
04:21We were just in here kissing
04:25Dad, it's 7.15
04:27You stopped kissing like Tuesday
04:31Nicole
04:32Room
04:34Hey, before you get started
04:36I just want to say
04:37That I consider this to be a perfectly natural thing
04:39Yeah
04:39Okay, so now
04:40Nicole knows that her father had sex
04:42He does
04:42Nearly
04:44What, your mom and dad never did it?
04:47Yes, but they didn't roll a bed into the living room
04:49And put on a dinner show
04:51If this is my bedroom
04:52What am I supposed to do?
04:53I mean, you came home early
04:54It wasn't my fault
04:55It could have happened to anybody
04:56No, it wouldn't happen to me
04:57Because my love life happens elsewhere
05:00Where elsewhere?
05:01Elsewhere
05:01Her place
05:02A cheap motel
05:03Underwater
05:05See, locales where my daughter
05:06Is not proling to discover me
05:08See, as a rule
05:09I personally
05:09I tend to avoid having sex
05:11In places like
05:12Nicole's algebra class
05:13I don't have sex there
05:14You see?
05:14Her locker
05:16Would be another beautiful example
05:17The junior miss department at Bloomingdale's
05:19Do you see what I'm saying?
05:20I think I should be leaving
05:22Michael, it was a pleasure meeting you
05:26Joey
05:26It was a pleasure
05:32Almost
05:38Now can I come down?
05:39No, just six more years, honey
05:42See, she loves it
05:44She loves this stuff
05:45She's up there right now
05:46Throwing smurfs out the window
05:47And putting up hunk bun calendars
05:48Nothing is gonna change, okay?
05:51She knows all about this stuff already
05:53She's a mature, sensible kid
05:54She's gonna handle this
05:55In a mature, sensible way
05:57Behold
05:58The love band
06:01Ooh
06:03What were they doing when you walked in?
06:05Shelby, I've told you this story four million times already
06:08It was nothing
06:08It was no big thing
06:09Again
06:10Okay, so I walk in
06:12There's whipped cream all over the place
06:15And this gets better every time
06:17Nicole, it is way cool to have such romantic dads
06:20I can't imagine my dad ever being romantic
06:23I don't even know how I got born
06:25So what happened next?
06:27Well, it was hard to make out exactly what they were doing
06:30Because of the strobe light and the smoke machine
06:35Joey!
06:42So, Mr. Harris, did you get this woman through a service or what?
06:46She's a perfectly nice woman
06:48I heard there was a trampoline
06:51No, no, no, Cory, you got this whole thing all blown out of proportion, okay?
06:54I mean, I shouldn't even be talking to you guys about this anyway
06:57So what's it like dating twins?
07:00She wasn't twins
07:01She's one woman
07:02I date one woman at a time
07:04And so should you
07:05Is somebody writing this down?
07:06One woman at a time
07:11I don't wanna know
07:14Date lessons from the master
07:18I heard there was a trampoline
07:22All right, look
07:23Look, I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea about this stuff, okay?
07:26You're young, you got a lot to learn yet
07:27So meet here once a week
07:28I'm trying to tell you something
07:29Hey, shh, man, he's gonna tell
07:31Look, I got a lot more experience than you, okay?
07:34So I'm not gonna teach you how to get experience
07:35But you wanna understand, girls?
07:37I'll teach you
07:38I'm gonna teach you the real stuff
07:39Because you're right
07:40What better institute of learning is there than a good old you-up joke?
07:43All right, now
07:44First thing you gotta know
07:46Is that women are people?
07:48People
07:50They're just not exactly the same kind of people that we are
07:52So if you want girls to understand you
07:54You want them to like you
07:57Then you gotta know what they're thinking
07:58Oh, professor
08:01This girl has a thought
08:04Can you tell me what it is?
08:08Ow
08:10Hold that thought
08:12Joe
08:13Upstairs in our apartment at this very moment
08:15Four girls are worshipping your bed
08:18Wow
08:35I'm not teaching the boys anything advanced
08:37I'm just giving them a couple pointers
08:38Well, let them learn it on the street
08:40What are you screwing them up?
08:42He's just jealous of my reputation
08:44Get therapy
08:46I'm talking about Nicole's reputation
08:49Well, all these kids, they think that
08:50Well, since Nicole's father has this active love life
08:52Hey, maybe she does too
08:54And it's certainly worth their phone call to find out
08:57That's another boy
08:58I'll bet you a buck
08:59It's another boy
09:00Hello, another boy
09:02No, no
09:03Nicole cannot come to the phone right now
09:04Because I won't let her
09:06No, that's the other father
09:08It's not gonna do you any good to call back either
09:10Because you know what?
09:10I answer every call
09:12You want to leave a message?
09:14Yes, I'll be sure to tell her that you think women are people
09:20They're quoting you now, oh God of love
09:22Hey, what can they say?
09:24Come on, they're a bunch of kids
09:26No, they used to be kids
09:27Now they're the Joettes
09:28I'm just giving them some of the benefits of my dating experience
09:31What's the matter with that?
09:33I'm not teaching them any of the advanced stuff
09:35This is just like the introductory lesson, okay?
09:38Joey 101
09:39Really?
09:40Well, let me give you a little bit of Michael 101, okay?
09:44The name of this course is
09:45Don't Come Round Here, Sonny Boy
09:49See, that's what you tell little guys who want to date your daughter
09:52Don't come round here, Sonny Boy
09:54You have to say that
09:54You're a father, that's your job, okay?
09:57So when little Goofus and Gomer come a-knackin' at the screen door
10:00See, and they go
10:02Hey, we seen your daughter and she's mighty purty
10:05See, what you do not say is
10:08Oh, well, come on in, fellas, and help yourself
10:11See, you don't say that
10:13But what you do say is
10:14Don't come round here, Sonny Boy
10:17You see that?
10:18Don't come round here, Sonny Boy
10:20Michael, no matter what I say to Nicole's friends
10:23Don't come around here, Sonny Boy
10:23She's gonna do whatever she wants, okay?
10:25Nothing I say is gonna change Nicole or her friends
10:27Well, I beg to differ that much, okay?
10:31Because the girls are having a York Bed Coffee Club
10:33And you turned all the boys into little Joey wannabes
10:36Hey, Mikey
10:40I'll tell you, you got some imagination
10:55No problem
10:59Hey, Corey
11:00Ready for a date?
11:05Problem
11:11You
11:17Hey, what are you looking at me for?
11:18I'm looking at you because I'm looking at her
11:20And I'm looking at him
11:21And I don't like the looks of this
11:23And you, stop looking altogether
11:25In fact, don't be here now
11:27We have a date
11:28For which I studied all day
11:30Hey, Corey
11:31Maybe you should go now
11:32But what?
11:33Ah, I see
11:36I'm playing hard to get
11:38You're amazing
11:41Hey, Cole
11:41Babe
11:43Later
11:44Maybe
11:49And you
11:50Latoya
11:52Get down here
11:53What is the problem?
11:55Since when do you ever leave the house dressed like a fruit roll-up?
11:59I have an image
12:00I can't go out dressed in a burlap sack
12:02I'm Joey Harris' daughter
12:06I think you stink
12:08Okay?
12:10Nick, go on
12:11Get change
12:12Okay
12:12I have the same thing in leopard skin
12:14Do you have the same thing in a two-ply hefty bag with a Ziploc top?
12:18I don't get it
12:19My friends are waiting
12:20I don't want you to see your friends
12:23Why not?
12:24Because Joey ruined them
12:27You want me to just stay in my room?
12:29Yeah, yeah
12:30And I don't want your friends to stay in their room, too
12:33Dad
12:34Well, tell them Joey said to
12:36Okay
12:37Then they'll do it
12:40All right, before you say something
12:41I got one thing to say to you, okay?
12:42And I don't want to hear one peep out of you until I'm done
12:44I'm, I'm peep-less
12:47I was wrong about the whole thing
12:50That's it
12:51No, nobody's happy with that
12:53All right, I'll fix the whole thing, okay?
12:54I'll talk to everybody
12:55I'll put everybody back the way they were
12:56And I'll talk to her
12:57Oh, yeah?
12:57You're gonna talk to all of her friends?
12:59You're gonna talk to everybody that her friends spoke to?
13:01You're a legend, Joe
13:02You can't kill a legend with just words
13:04So then how?
13:05I don't know
13:06You tell me
13:07You're the love guard, pal
13:08I don't know
13:09How do you kill a love guard?
13:10What, I don't know
13:10What, a stake through the heart?
13:12Kryptonite?
13:12What?
13:13I don't know
13:13The whole stupid thing started
13:15Because I got caught in this law for the woman
13:16And now the guys will want to be like me
13:18Yeah, so what do you have to do now?
13:19I guess I gotta make them not want to be like me
13:22Yeah
13:22How do you do that?
13:23I guess I gotta humiliate myself
13:24How do you do that?
13:26I guess I gotta fail with a woman
13:28How do you do that?
13:44No way it's gonna happen, Michael
13:46No way is Joey gonna take a dive in front of all those adoring kids
13:50But look, if those kids are to grow up right
13:52Joey has to be shot down by a woman in public
13:55In the most humiliating way possible
13:59Boy, that's entertainment
14:03He can't choke on purpose
14:04It's not in him
14:06You'll see, at the last second
14:08He'll look at this ringer you set him up with
14:10And his instinct will kick in
14:12Yeah, he'll flash those baby blues
14:14And she'll melt like cheese on a grill
14:18Nicole, what kind of stuff do you learn
14:20Living in the same apartment with Joey Harris?
14:22You learn to knock before you enter
14:26Nicole seems to be enjoying a new popularity
14:30Squash it like a bug
14:32That's the whole idea, Judge
14:34Good boy
14:37Is this your ringer?
14:39Yep
14:40Melinda Weller
14:41I know her for years
14:43She's an IRS agent
14:44She rips people's lives apart for a living
14:46This is nothing for her
14:51Melinda, you look wonderful
14:54In fact, let's forget this daughter lesson
14:55You and I go to either your place
14:57The cheap motel
14:57Or underwater
14:59Not a chance, Michael
15:00Good, you didn't go for it
15:02Don't lose that
15:02You can take this guy
15:03Michael, I think it's wonderful
15:05That you're teaching your daughter
15:06Proper social behavior
15:08Really?
15:08You think it's really wonderful
15:09And your heart goes out to me
15:11And you want to get close to me?
15:13Let me just get into character
15:14No
15:16How am I doing?
15:17That's perfect
15:17Thank you
15:18Just don't use it all up on me, champ
15:19All right?
15:20Here's our lucky loser now
15:21Melinda, smoking Joe Harris
15:23How you doing?
15:24Nice to meet you
15:25Thanks for doing this
15:26Oh, my pleasure
15:28I'll be gentle
15:32Hey, this ain't gonna work
15:33You picked the wrong woman
15:35What are you talking about?
15:36She's perfect
15:37Hey, we looked at each other
15:38There was chemistry
15:39I'm telling you
15:40Her beaker's bubbling
15:41So what?
15:41You think she's falling for you?
15:43What?
15:43You didn't see it?
15:44No, perhaps I blinked
15:46All right, look
15:47I'm gonna do my part
15:48Just like I said I was going to
15:49But I'll tell you right now
15:50I am not responsible for her behavior
15:53I am gonna love this
16:04How you doing?
16:06Guys, it's Joey with a woman
16:08We get to see the master in action
16:12Fine
16:12How are you?
16:14Better now that you're here
16:17Wait
16:17What?
16:19What is that I see in your eyes?
16:21Am I wrong?
16:22Or do I see little flecks of gold
16:23Glittering in the deepest of blue
16:25Like stars flickering
16:26On a hot summer night?
16:28He's the best
16:30He's getting to her
16:31He's getting to me
16:35You know, usually
16:36When I first meet somebody
16:38I like to take things
16:39Kind of slow, you know
16:41But there's something else
16:42Going on here
16:42Between you and me
16:43Am I right?
16:45Why resist it?
16:46When you say we get out of here
16:48We go someplace
16:49Where we can be two people
16:51Just lost in each other
16:53Get the trampoline
16:58Before we go get lost
17:00In each other
17:01May I ask you a question?
17:04Anything
17:05Do you really believe
17:07That a woman with a brain
17:09Could actually get turned on
17:10By what you just said?
17:12I think that you're
17:14The lowest species
17:15Of inarticulate grunt
17:17That I've ever had
17:18To share air with
17:23And I'll tell you something else
17:25You rutting little pig
17:29Women of substance
17:31Are not dazzled
17:32By cheap pickup lines
17:33Did you hear what I said?
17:35Uh-huh
17:37We want a relationship
17:38Based on respect
17:40And true affection
17:41Or we want nothing at all
17:44See, it ain't so, Joe
17:48And let me tell you something else
17:52Rather than go out
17:53With an overgrown adolescent
17:55Like you
17:56I would choose
17:58A responsible
18:00Sensible
18:01Compassionate man
18:03Like
18:03Like
18:05Him
18:14You realize this means nothing?
18:19I'm, um, completely unaffected
18:27And so
18:29The god of love
18:30Is reduced
18:33To schmutz
18:48Hey, Joe
18:48Would you come out of this sweater, huh?
18:51Not until the kids grow up
18:52And realize what a good thing
18:53I did for them
18:57I'm a laughing stock
18:58Hey
18:59I'm not laughing
19:00The judge isn't laughing
19:01Klawicki's not laughing
19:03Nobody's laughing
19:04Hey, the kids are laughing
19:05Nobody with a job is laughing
19:07Those kids would not
19:08Have grown up depraved
19:09Just because I got caught
19:10In this apartment
19:11With a woman
19:11All right?
19:13I mean, this is all your stupid idea
19:14To make me look bad
19:15And you look good
19:16Come on
19:17It's crazy
19:27Well
19:28I guess the phone
19:29Won't be ringing
19:30For me anytime soon
19:31I guess boys
19:33Won't be hanging around
19:34Me in the cafeteria
19:35Anytime soon
19:35I guess I won't be showing
19:37My face in public
19:38Anytime soon
19:39For I am the daughter
19:42Of Schmutz
19:47Sweetie, sit down a second
19:49I want to tell you something
19:51About this guy here
19:53This guy
19:54What you see before you
19:55Is a man who was shot down
19:59By a woman
19:59In the full glare
20:00Of the public eye
20:02A dating Hindenburg
20:04Exploding in flames
20:05A lovesick Titanic
20:07Just
20:07I'm building
20:09Into something
20:09Well, Harry
20:10What I see
20:11I see a man
20:13Who loves his daughter
20:14So much
20:15That he was willing
20:16To sacrifice
20:17His image as a hero
20:18To her and her friends
20:20To prove a point
20:22What was the point?
20:23Yeah, it was
20:24It was a set up
20:25Joey planned the whole thing
20:27You embarrassed yourself
20:28In front of my friends
20:29On purpose?
20:31Why?
20:31Because I didn't like
20:32What was going on
20:33With your friends, Nick
20:34I mean, you got the boys
20:35Calling you
20:36Because of your reputation
20:36Based on my reputation
20:38As a big deal ladies, man
20:39I mean, that's a bad example
20:41So I, uh
20:42I got Melinda
20:43To kill my reputation
20:44And, uh
20:45No one that would kill
20:46Your reputation
20:48So
20:48You disgraced yourself
20:50In front of my friends
20:51For me?
20:53I'm your father
20:54I love
20:56You understand that?
20:57Yeah
21:01Well, you'd do the same thing
21:03For me, wouldn't you?
21:05Okay
21:07Well, I think we did
21:09A doggone good job
21:10And that's it
21:10That's, you know
21:11That's the end of it
21:11No more sexy reputations
21:13No more love of God
21:14No more problems
21:29Although, every boy
21:30Does need a role model
21:31Thank you for listening to the show
21:36Thank you for listening to the show
21:39Thank you for listening to the show
21:40Thank you for listening to the show
21:41Thank you for listening to the show
21:41Thank you for listening to the show
21:41Thank you for listening to the show
21:41Thank you for listening to the show
21:42Thank you for listening to the show
21:42Thank you for listening to the show
21:44Thank you for listening to the show
21:47Thank you for listening to the show
21:49Thank you for listening to the show
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