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00:02hey dad look what the judge lent me it's a miniature cassette tape recorder what are you
00:07doing with that well i'm gonna send a cassette letter to my friend molly in florida want to say
00:11hello come out but no come on just say something i have nothing to say what am i gonna sugar
00:16pie
00:17honey bunch oh you know that i love you thank you okay guess what guess who met somebody guess
00:28who met somebody and his fallen head over heels nuts in love oh um ed begley jr me me so
00:38i'm wrong
00:39dad you met somebody hey nick love at first sight this is the first time this has ever happened to
00:44me except when i first met you hey molly one of my fathers just fell in love and you heard
00:50it here
00:51first stay tuned she's gonna be over here any second for dinner oh you are gonna love her michael oh
00:56she
00:56is fantastic yeah she uh by fantastic means what she uh she made parole on her first try
01:04hey i meet her we start talking right we go for a walk in the park for hours and hours
01:09but it just
01:09seems like minutes you know and then all of a sudden we just we look at each other and we
01:13realize
01:13without saying any words we realize that this is it this is it we're meant for each other
01:20there she is there she is oh man i never felt like this i am so excited michael have you
01:27ever
01:27seen him like this before uh only when the roller derby's in town
01:35ashley joey
01:43i can't stand being away from you how long has it been an eternity oh is that all seems like
01:48forever
01:52hey i want you to meet my daughter this is nicole nicole this is ashley bukowski you have a wonderful
01:58father two oh and this is uh my roommate and co-partner in the the co-father thing that i
02:06was telling you about this is michael taylor hi you're the uh financial advisor right well what
02:13that means so the delineation between yourself and the average stockbroker is what greater
02:17diversification terms of trust planning more personalized money management is that it roughly
02:22wow you probably don't roller skate at all do you
02:26uh let me show you around my castle
02:29so what do you think i think she's beautiful i think she's well-dressed i think she's highly educated
02:36i think she'd be perfect if it weren't for her one glaring flaw
02:39what she's with him
02:43this is me nicole bradford cute huh this is my dad and this is my dad how'd i get you
02:50dad they
02:51inherited me congratulations it's a girl here's the judge who brought us together she lives in our
02:56building my building i own it she's gonna make sure we're one big happy family with one dad who's
03:02down to earth and one dad with his head in the cloud i i think we're father of the year
03:07you can't count on me no matter what you do you can't count on me no matter where you go
03:17i'm standing by your side i'll be right behind no one loves you more than i do put your hands
03:25by
03:26you can't count on me no matter what you do you can't count on me no matter where you go
03:37you can't count on me
03:42so molly joey met this lady who's everything michael ever dreamed of it's like some computer dating
03:48service mixed up my dad after i finished my undergraduate studies at wellesley i got my mba
03:55from wharton
03:59isn't she great michael huh she's got taste she's got style she's ball
04:07i also spent two years studying art at the sorbonne which is why i am so taken with joey's talent
04:13the sorbonne so you must speak french oui mais bien sûr je parle langue d'amour which means
04:20means i speak the language of love i speak french too really uh doesn't just hearing someone speak
04:26french put you into a romantic mood oui l'amour est mavalu d'accord
04:42well i'm uh glad i could be of some help
04:46you know coincidentally i've got an mba myself really well then we have a few things in common
04:52then don't we
04:56by the way those silences you hear are long passionate kisses next time i'll send you a video letter
05:02in the meantime let's listen
05:06so ashley how did you come to have an interest in business
05:09well actually it was a tough decision my first love was opera
05:13you love opera i love opera
05:18bunch of fatties singing to the stratosphere
05:22joe you're so outrageous isn't he outrageous
05:25he kills me
05:28anyway i i guess i gravitated toward business because i love manipulating money and i love playing the stock
05:35market and i love any vulgar display of wealth
05:41molly news bulletin i think mike likes joey's girlfriend i can tell by the way he's squeaking
05:47i'll tell you something i don't care anything about that money stuff the only thing that matters to me
05:51is the people that are in my life and my heart
05:53which is what i love about you
05:57well that'll do it for me
06:00i'm gonna just uh i'll just go step outside and uh jump in front of a bus
06:05yeah oh i can just make one
06:13hey clarky i want you to make me dinner okay and whatever you want to make i'm gonna eat it
06:18really michael yep
06:19jeez i'm flattered you don't usually eat here
06:22to what do i owe this pleasure
06:25it's a suicide attempt
06:29problem
06:30mike
06:33nope no problem
06:34i just met the woman of my dreams
06:37this is the most perfect woman for me she understands my work
06:40she shares all my interests my my hopes my fears my prayers my joys
06:46and
06:47she loves joey
06:51he'll have the meatloaf
06:59judge i've come to depend on you for good advice
07:01you got any
07:04you got any
07:07mike
07:09it's a dog eat dog world
07:12how you gonna let the fact that joey's your lifelong pal
07:15stand in the way of a long shot chance at an uncertain relationship
07:20with a woman you've known for less than a day
07:24yeah go for the girl to hell with your pal
07:29how many friends you got judge
07:32none i can't understand it
07:36wrong thanks
07:39hey hey hey hey hey hey what about my meatloaf
07:43i want to live
07:49i just want you to know that i'm hello
07:53just want you to know that i am really genuinely happy that the two of you found each other like
07:57this
07:57and ashley i just have one question for you do you have a sister for me huh
08:01afraid not no brothers no sisters i am the last of the van durens
08:05van durens
08:06i thought your last name was bukowski
08:08oh that's my married name
08:11you're married
08:12would you go to bed please
08:15you're married
08:15i was i'm divorced my maiden name is van duren
08:19oh
08:19so you know the company i work for we represent uh a charles van duren who was like one of
08:23the wealthiest
08:24men in the world too bad he's not a relative you'd be sitting pretty
08:28yeah well actually he's my daddy
08:36really
08:39gee life just tickles me
08:42well you must know this but
08:44you're rich
08:47yeah i still love you anyway
08:50you are so sweet
08:51he's my friend he's my friend he's my friend
08:55actually i'm not that rich at all
08:57my father's a self-made man
08:59he believes that i should make my own way in the world without any benefit of his help
09:03and you share his philosophy
09:05what are you nuts
09:07yes i hope you don't mind me asking this but whatever happened to your husband
09:10the bukowski guy
09:12oh my father never really approved of him and
09:15finally he convinced me he was right
09:21hey i have an idea how about the three of you come up to our state in connecticut tomorrow night
09:25for dinner
09:26joey it would be the perfect chance for you to meet my father
09:29hey i suppose that would be great huh
09:33do you hear that we're going to connecticut
09:35ashley what should i wear
09:36well show me what you got and i'll help you pick something out
09:38follow me
09:40hey huh
09:41what do you think
09:42oh her
09:44she's uh
09:45she's okay
09:48she's not my type
09:50i'll trade you my stereo for her
09:52hey this will be great huh
09:54we'll go up to connecticut we'll have a lot of fun
09:55listen i'm gonna do you a big favor pal i'm not going to connecticut with you
09:59i want you to go to connecticut with me
10:00listen if you want ashley you're gonna have to convince her old man that you're a normal single father you
10:05know
10:05who can use the right fork and wear the right clothes say the right thing and fit right into his
10:09right wing world
10:12but i'm not you are
10:14hey come on michael you gotta help me here okay
10:16you gotta teach me how to dress
10:18you gotta teach me how to act
10:19okay how to eat
10:21i don't want to blow this
10:23excuse me you want me to teach you to be like me
10:29yeah
10:33shut up
10:36you know molly i saw this old movie on tv once called my fair lady where this guy gives this
10:41flower girl a makeover
10:42well let me tell you he had it easy
10:45hey joe are you coming out or what
10:48i look stupid
10:49come on
10:50this is uncomfortable
10:51hey this is not me michael
10:53well then we're heading in the right direction
10:54come on let me see
11:04i feel like a coffee achiever
11:07no no you gotta work your way up the coffee achiever
11:10right now you're just a decaffeinated lunatic in a suit
11:15oh molly
11:16michael just got joey to put on a suit
11:18and let me tell you he looks fabulous
11:20i mean he ought to wear a suit every day
11:24i'll erase it
11:27you know there's something wrong with this it really don't feel right
11:30of course it's your first suit your body's rejecting it
11:34i gotta spend all that money for a suit for one night
11:37joe look at it this way
11:38if the evening is a success
11:39you marry the girl you wear the suit at the wedding
11:41and if on the other hand you meet the father and he drops dead
11:44you wear the suit at the funeral
11:45okay so either way you're wearing the hell out of this suit
11:48it's called amortization that's lesson one
11:52um do i get a new dress
11:53what for one night
11:57all right now we got you looking respectable
11:59see but i still gotta figure that at some point during the evening you're gonna speak
12:05which brings us to lesson number two
12:07right
12:07the greeting
12:08okay you're in your suit
12:10you're in connecticut
12:11a very wealthy man walks up to you
12:14and you say hey how you doing
12:15now
12:16no this is not your friend benny the fence
12:18okay
12:18this is charles van deren the third
12:21at least
12:22okay so what do i say
12:23you say very pleased to meet you sir
12:26very pleased to meet you sir
12:28right and then you shake his hand
12:29now what is this
12:32what this does not say very pleased to meet you sir
12:35this says
12:35hey benny how much you want for the roland's
12:38to which he says
12:39get out of my house in connecticut
12:41and go shake thumbs with some other slob in soho
12:43who by the way will also never date my daughter
12:45okay
12:45i walk up to the guy
12:47walk up
12:48and i say very pleased to meet you sir
12:49i'm joey harris
12:50now
12:51what
12:52it's not joe
12:53we don't say joe
12:54introduce yourself as joseph harris
12:56hey my name is not joseph okay
12:57it's joe
12:59joe harris
12:59that's even worse
13:00now you sound like a baseball player
13:02for like the albuquerque mud hens in the 30s
13:04joe crazy legs harris
13:06you batted 164 your first year
13:08and then they traded you to oslo
13:10okay okay
13:10i'm wearing the wrong clothes
13:12and i'm using the phony name
13:13what's next
13:14all right
13:14you're at the dinner table
13:16you're at the dinner table right
13:17what is the first thing you do
13:19it isn't eat is it
13:23never never eat dinner in connecticut
13:26you weren't invited to dinner to eat
13:28you were invited to be examined
13:29you were invited to be put under a microscope
13:32you are a germ
13:33you are soho caucus
13:37what the hell
13:37come here
13:38this is your first test
13:39come here
13:40just come here
13:40walk right
13:41okay
13:41now listen
13:42just remember everything i told you
13:43remember
13:44don't be yourself
13:49all right
13:50okay
13:52judge
13:52very glad you can make it
13:53i'd like you to meet a very good friend of mine
14:04good afternoon
14:07very pleased to meet you
14:09i'm joseph harris
14:12likewise i'm sure
14:16zip up your fly
14:24so molly
14:25we made it to connecticut
14:26and all the way from new york
14:28michael has been making
14:29last minute joey adjustments
14:30which joey is taking very well
14:32um
14:33what
14:35earring
14:36i'm not taking the earring out
14:38this is my good luck earring
14:39okay
14:40i got good luck when i wear it
14:44see
14:46hello
14:48i'm ashley's father
14:49charles van duran
14:51i believe you've met my vase
14:57hello i'm michael taylor
14:58ah
14:59oh no i'm not your daughter's date
15:01not that i wouldn't be very flattered
15:02it's just
15:03however tonight it is my friend
15:04and not i that i am your daughter dater
15:07very pleased to meet you sir
15:09joseph harris
15:12might i apologize for my friend here
15:14who
15:14who is obviously a dribbling idiot
15:17oh um
15:18then you would be ashley's young man
15:20and this is my daughter nicole
15:22hello nicole
15:23you have a beautiful house
15:25mr van duran
15:26why thank you
15:27my uh family built this house
15:29about uh
15:30well 200 years ago
15:31your family's been living here that long
15:33no do you know they built the house
15:36my family were bricklayers
15:38generations of bricklayers
15:39laying brick on top of brick for almost 20 decades
15:43until i said hey
15:44how about aluminum siding
15:47and here i am
15:53but enough small talk
15:54let's uh get to the point
15:56a man in my position is forced to be very protective of his uh
16:00one and only child
16:01well mr van duran i'm uh
16:03i'm an up and coming artist
16:05with a solid reputation
16:07if not a solid bank account
16:10and
16:11and you're from a family of bricklayers
16:13i'm from a family of plumbers
16:15and uh
16:15i'm just trying something new
16:17just like you did
16:18hope you can respect me for that sir
16:22nice earring
16:24i must apologize for ashley being late for dinner
16:27but if she weren't late she wouldn't be ashley
16:29come this way
16:31beautiful
16:37daddy
16:38oh ashley good
16:40here you are
16:40so sorry i was late
16:42i was out looking at new ferraris
16:44and i completely lost track of the time
16:46so tell me what do you think of joey
16:49i think he's blunt
16:50i think he's raw
16:51in fact he reminds me of me
16:54at his age actually I think you finally picked a winner what I mean I was sure
17:01you think he was like my ex-husband Bukowski hardly this boy has a future
17:09come let's join our guests Harrison more wine for our guests except for Nicole
17:17who is a young person I like to keep up with young people and what they think
17:23what do you and your friends think of aluminum we like it would you go so far
17:33as to call it bitchin what's the matter sweetheart why did you wear that stupid
17:42suit to dinner just trying to make a good impression I wanted you to be yourself
17:47we'll talk about it later the game is about to begin I'm sorry daddy did I
17:57tell you that Joey might very well be Nicole's father of course Michael might
18:02be her father also no one really knows direct hit dying dying I don't
18:13understand joy I thought Michael here was simply a friend of yours well Michael and
18:18I were both very close to Nicole's mother who passed away and rather than see her
18:23go to go to an orphanage we decided to share the guardianship oh I see well well that's very
18:31commendable a sense of parental responsibility in a young man is uh is very rare well done
18:38gentlemen daddy Joey's a Democrat oh will she stop at nothing he'll outgrow it Joey may we speak to
18:52you alone for a moment please sure honey excuse me oh certainly and that gives me a chance to escort
18:58Nicole to her choice of ice cream come with me there you love the kitchen it's aluminum Harrison
19:13the hell are you mumbling she does not love your friend she loves only her father's money
19:21what are you talking about your friend is simply the latest offbeat character that Ashley
19:28brings into the house in order to enrage her father why extortion sir extortion cash gifts in
19:40exchange for dumping the unfortunate of the month are you saying she's done this before she even went
19:47so far once is to marry one of the wretches just to raise the stakes this is the most bizarre
19:53story
19:53I've ever heard in my life where do you get this allow me sir to introduce myself Harrison Bukowski
20:13hey that Michael did a heck of a job on me huh I want you to stop listening to Michael
20:18he's just jealous of you and me
20:20what are you talking about I'm making a great impression on your father I think he likes me
20:24Michael is jealous don't you see he's trying to break us up by turning you into someone that I don't
20:29love
20:29so why don't you just take off this stupid jacket and come back when you're you
20:40hey Joe I gotta talk to you yes listen this is about Ashley and it's not easy for me to
20:46say this to
20:46you I'll bet look I just had a little talk with a butler it seems Ashley may not like you
20:54for the
20:54reasons that you think she likes you no let me tell you something Michael okay Ashley likes me
20:58for all the right reasons she likes me because I'm me and you can't stand that can you all right
21:05look Ashley and her father they have this lovely little understanding do you remember how she said
21:10her father's a self-made man and he thinks that she should make her own way in the world okay
21:14how
21:14she makes her own way is she brings home some off-the-wall guy makes daddy nuts until he has
21:19to hand
21:19her a check to dump him oh and this time that's me yeah lifestyles of the rich and deranged so
21:25she's
21:25gonna try hey maybe I should drop her first I'm just telling you what I heard no hey that would
21:31work
21:31out great for you wouldn't it then the girl of your dreams would be available then you can just step
21:36right in there hey come on you know it's true you just can't stand that I met the girl of
21:40your dreams
21:40and she's in love with me Joe let's all right look I will I will admit I was jealous but
21:45come on you
21:45know me your whole life we would never let ourselves get into a fight over a woman except
21:49for the one time with Marcy when we didn't speak for 13 years just shut me up anytime here
21:55Nicole Michael and I are gonna yell could you please wait outside dad you gotta hear this
22:04sweetheart could this wait no that wasn't it see I accidentally left the tape recorder on when
22:09Mr. Van Duren and the butler were talking in the dining room and this time I got lucky Harrison
22:14it looks like Ashley's latest boyfriend isn't going to cost me a cent
22:21what does it mean
22:26so Michael and Joey apologized to each other all the way home and they said that jealousy should
22:30never get in the way of a lifelong friendship hey I'm sorry I called you jealous okay I mean I
22:35should have known that a good friend like you was gonna be looking out for my best interest
22:38listen I'm sorry things didn't work out I'm sorry I thought Ashley was so classy let me tell you
22:43there's nobody as classy as you pal hey I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to set
22:48me
22:48straight well I'm sorry I had to I'm sorry this is making me sick
22:55yeah he's here hold on hey Joe it's a Chuck Van Duren wants to talk to you and he's whining
23:00bad
23:02tell him I'm not interested good for you very good for you I'm proud of you hey I'm very proud
23:09of you
23:09excuse me one second I'll take it
23:12yeah
23:12yeah
23:18yeah
23:20yeah
23:20yeah
23:20yeah
23:21yeah
23:22yeah
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