- 29 minutes ago
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00:00No doubt about it, I'm on my way, take it over, I'm here to stay, one day you'll be looking, when you're on my way, don't drop, don't tell me to stop, cause I'll be taking over today, I'm taking over this whole place, I'm on my head to outer space,
00:29it's an unusual day for the borderline team, the authorities have suspended most of the airport's inbound schedule in order to receive a very important flight, North End has been chosen as it has the lightest schedule of any airport in the UK or Europe, to help things run smoothly, Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is joined at today's briefing by an unfamiliar face,
00:54I'd like to introduce you to a very special guest, he's from the Met, and he's come up all the way from London to be with us today, so please give a very warm welcome to, from the special branch, Mr. Terry Bradshaw.
01:09Please, thank you so much, Linda, okay, let's just get this out of the way, I know I'm a policeman, and you guys are borderline, and traditionally, our departments don't get along, but, and don't tell the other cops I said this, I think you guys do a valuable service, so I guess, I just want to say, thank you.
01:31Are you okay?
01:32Are you okay?
01:33Okay.
01:34So, I'm sure you're all wondering, why is this guy still talking, what's his point, and when's he going to get to it, well, let me put you out of your misery, today, we have an international criminal being extradited to the UK, boring, I know, we're bringing them through North End Airport, because, I read your service records, and you know what, you guys, are you?
02:00You guys, are one of the most talented, borderline staffs, in the whole of the UK.
02:05Is that what it actually says?
02:07Stop being modest, Linda, you've done a fantastic job!
02:11So, the little speech I did back there, you've got to warm up for those, um, hydrogenated vegetable oil, hydrogenated vegetable oil, hydrogenated vegetable oil, yeah, still something to get the, get the chops moving, get the blood moving, to,
02:29funnel out all the, all the bullshit I have to sell.
02:33I mean, look at this team, look at this guy, look at him, and look at this guy, I mean, wow, no one's getting past this guy, what's your thing?
02:42Rugby?
02:43Yeah, I wouldn't want to be caught scrumming against you.
02:46Played a bit of rugby high, but it was, it was a long time ago, and I had about, I had one too many cuts today.
02:52Wow, and listen to that accent, amazing, the complete package, adorable.
02:57You can make them up yourself as well.
03:00Um, Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.
03:03Iris Murdoch's lost box of socks and clocks.
03:07Capital gains tax.
03:09I haven't paid my capital gains tax.
03:13Now, let's just wrap this up.
03:16So, while I'm here, I'm officially commandeering, which means I'm in charge.
03:21If that's okay with you, Linda.
03:23Ah, great.
03:24Do I fancy Detective Bradshaw?
03:27Guilty as charged.
03:29I thought I was done and dusted in that department, but that's the biggest twinge I've had since Poldark.
03:34Later this afternoon, the criminal in question will leave the plane.
03:38I will take their passport and pass it to one of you.
03:40You will then stamp the passport and pass it back to me.
03:43Simple as.
03:44The whole thing should take about five seconds.
03:46All I need is someone to stamp the passport.
03:50Hmm.
03:52Okay.
03:53Okay.
03:54Do I?
03:55How about, uh...
03:57How about you?
03:59Would you do me the honor, Miss, um...
04:02Church.
04:03It's Andy Church.
04:04Andy?
04:05What's that short for?
04:06That's a boy's name.
04:07Andrea.
04:08Hmm.
04:09Lovely name.
04:10Can I be the...
04:11Sorry about saying anything, but...
04:12Can I be the...
04:13One that stamps the bad guy's passport?
04:15Ah, Andy Church already has that covered.
04:17But if I need anything else, I'll come straight to you.
04:22Okay.
04:23Thank you so much for having me.
04:26Any questions before I go?
04:28I've been here for three years, and no one has ever asked me what Andy is short for.
04:32It was nice.
04:37My mom has a horse named Andrea, so I'm named after a horse.
04:40You guys have been fantastic.
04:43Now, get out there and keep those borders safe.
04:47Oh.
04:48Oh.
04:49Come on.
04:50Clap.
04:51Oh.
04:52Yeah.
04:53Oh.
04:54Oh.
04:55That's okay.
04:57Yeah.
04:58Oh.
04:59That's okay.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Oh.
05:02Okay.
05:03Well, thank you very much.
05:04Thank you, Terry.
05:05No.
05:06It's...
05:07Honestly, it's my pleasure.
05:08It was our pleasure too.
05:09It was my pleasure.
05:10It really was our pleasure.
05:11Linda!
05:13It was my pleasure.
05:15So, just...
05:17It was my pleasure.
05:19Okay?
05:23Seriously, I hate this fucking place.
05:26Best case I ever worked on?
05:27The Bahamas.
05:29I stayed in a six-star hotel.
05:32That's more than five.
05:35And then, last night in my hotel in North End, I ordered a martini and it came with a straw.
05:44This place.
05:45It's like The Walking Dead.
05:48It's amazing that a plane will fly here.
05:52Here.
05:53With the upbeat Detective Bradshaw temporarily in charge, Chief Inspector Proctor is left with
05:57a rare chance to catch up on case studies and other outstanding admin.
06:01Oh, God.
06:02These people think I give a shit about their babies.
06:05Yeah, I've got this traveller that I need to land.
06:07I just need to sign off on that.
06:08Oh, I can't.
06:09It's the lovely Detective Bradshaw is in charge today, so...
06:12I mean, it'll take five seconds.
06:14Yeah, it would.
06:15It would if I were able to, but, um, unfortunately, I can't because I'd be in contempt of the police.
06:21Right.
06:22Well, I mean, I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with the law.
06:24So...
06:25Oh, cunts.
06:34Even though it's a quiet day, the agents can still find themselves preoccupied with important matters.
06:40Hey, everyone.
06:43Hey, man.
06:44You're a bit of a man about town, eh?
06:49Yeah, sure.
06:50I want to read you this text, right?
06:54This woman, she says, erm...
06:57It was a really nice evening last night, and, er...
07:01I really love the time, and I love noodles.
07:04And the man replies, erm...
07:06Who are you calling a noodle?
07:08Noodle.
07:09But that was the last text that I sent.
07:12And that was last night.
07:13Er, and she still hasn't replied?
07:15No.
07:16And the man's getting nervous?
07:18Maybe.
07:19Go on, bro.
07:20I've got a text game.
07:21Oh, no, no.
07:22It's not my phone, no.
07:23That's not your phone?
07:24Someone else's.
07:25Oh, OK.
07:26So there's someone else who wants to know what...
07:28Well, I guess that there's someone else who'd like to know why she hasn't texted back yet.
07:31I mean, do things go too far?
07:33Maybe the noodle joke wasn't that funny or things moving too fast?
07:36I think, you know what, they should just calm down.
07:38Play it cool.
07:43Play it cool.
07:44Yeah, man.
07:45And if you're still worried about it, make sure next time you see them, you look dope.
07:53Yeah.
07:54Yeah?
07:55Yeah.
07:57Thanks, mate.
07:59It's all right.
08:00Hey, Tarek.
08:05Yeah?
08:06It's my phone, by the way.
08:09Meanwhile, after drinking six teas and interrupting several meetings, Chief Inspector Proctor is at something of a loose end.
08:16Deciding to use her time productively, she utilises her human resources training to encourage team building and self-improvement.
08:24Just write on the post-it notes things that you think might be helpful for me to address,
08:29and then just stick them on me.
08:33And then I'll, I can really own them then.
08:35Is that why you spend all the work either?
08:39Long hours.
08:41Yeah.
08:42Yeah.
08:44I think maybe sometimes you should just go home at six.
08:49Thanks.
08:50I've got a short fuse.
08:53Candy sometimes.
08:54Sugar.
08:55Yeah.
08:56Uh, my, my mum found that sometimes if she cut down the amount of sugar she's...
09:05Okay.
09:06Okay.
09:07...having, it's less...
09:08Right.
09:09...just because it's, because you have, not you, but one...
09:11No, no, I think you've made yourself clear.
09:15Sugar again.
09:16Yeah, I agree.
09:19I agree.
09:20Whilst preparing for the arrival of the prisoner, Detective Bradshaw takes extra care to brief Agent Church.
09:27So this is the criminal, surname Starkey.
09:30Sounds like a character from Game of Thrones.
09:32Oh, you, you watch that show?
09:33Uh, no, actually, um, but I have read it.
09:36Yeah.
09:37You should try reading.
09:38Oh, no, reading's for nerds.
09:40Oh, and educated people as well.
09:42Can you, can you read that?
09:43Yeah.
09:44I like an audio book for when I'm pumping iron in the gym.
09:49Okay.
09:50What, like a Lee Child or...
09:51Sure, I love a child.
09:52Jack, Jack Reacher.
09:53I mean, uh...
09:54Hey, guys, what are you doing?
09:55Learning?
09:56Uh, no, I was...
09:58Yeah, we were just...
09:59...going over the case with Agent Church.
10:01So that's, yeah, I'm probably gonna run these back to my desk then.
10:04Great.
10:05Bye, Andy.
10:07Come on, Clive, what was that?
10:09What was that?
10:10Did you need something?
10:12I just wanted to shoot the shit with you.
10:15I've always wanted to be a policeman.
10:18Oh, there's bodies everywhere.
10:22Ah.
10:23Ah!
10:24I tried to help.
10:25All right.
10:26Yeah.
10:27Okay, well, I'll see you at the police lunch.
10:31Do you have a gun?
10:32No.
10:33Bulletproof vest?
10:34No.
10:35Have you ever seen a dead body?
10:36Yes, but I don't want to talk about it with you.
10:39Makes sense.
10:40Pain of memory.
10:41Have you ever touched it?
10:42Listen, I'd love to.
10:43Great.
10:44But I've really gotta...
10:45Ah, do you need help?
10:46Ah, probably not with the kind of stuff I'm doing.
10:48Oh, maybe.
10:49You know, borderline, the Met, working together.
10:52Listen, Clive.
10:53I'm a police officer.
10:55I save lives.
10:58You're a stamp jockey.
11:03I've gotta go.
11:0410-4.
11:05That's not a real thing.
11:06You call me a stamp jockey.
11:08So cool.
11:09I'm gonna start using that about myself.
11:11Stamping is my favorite part of the job here, borderline.
11:15Um, I can't even carry around my own ink bag the whole time.
11:18So when I start, uh, stamping shift and I got it all fresh.
11:21I mean, you can't win a race without a jockey.
11:23And I'm a stamp jockey.
11:25And if a jockey falls off the horse and the horse still finishes the race,
11:28then it doesn't count.
11:29And if a horse breaks its leg, then they kill it.
11:32Shoot it in the head.
11:39Um, I'm sending you a message.
11:42It's a quiet day at borderline,
11:44as the team prepare for the arrival of an international criminal.
11:48Stop.
11:49Ah, yes.
11:50Sorry, I forgot to say stop.
11:52Stop.
11:53No, no, no.
11:54Stop.
11:55No, stop.
11:56Stop doing that.
11:57While they wait, Detective Bradshaw joins Agent Mansoor
11:59in order to gather some valuable intel.
12:02What are you listening to?
12:04Oh, no.
12:05Oh, come on, try me.
12:08Kendrick Lamar?
12:09King Kunta himself.
12:11A big fan.
12:12Nice.
12:13I'm surprised.
12:14I'm surprised you guys would like this kind of music, actually.
12:16Oh, I mean, just because I'm a massive racist doesn't mean I don't like good music.
12:21Yeah.
12:23So what about that Andy girl?
12:25Who?
12:26Andy.
12:27The only attractive girl in Miles.
12:29Is she single?
12:30Yeah, I guess, but...
12:32She's...
12:33You been up in that?
12:35Nope.
12:36Good.
12:37Because I'm going to fuck her.
12:39Mm-hmm.
12:40One time I was working a murder case and, um, wow, the victim's sister was good to go.
12:48Being a detective is like being a magician.
12:50And women love magicians.
12:51And women love magicians.
13:01Is this too much gel?
13:05Yeah, that is...
13:07That's too much.
13:09You look like a vicar.
13:11Thanks, Mum.
13:16I said dope.
13:18Agent Brodie isn't the only one looking to better himself.
13:21Chief Inspector Proctor's also experiencing the benefits of self-improvement,
13:25after an hour's worth of thorough, constructive criticism from the team.
13:28Meditate.
13:29That's a nice...
13:30That's positive.
13:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:32That's a positive suggestion.
13:33I wanted to balance it out.
13:34Thanks, Derek.
13:36Why have you got those on?
13:38I'm just thinking about things that I can work on.
13:40Oh, that's nice.
13:41I like that.
13:42And that's inclusive.
13:43Because none of us are perfect, are we?
13:44No, no, no, no.
13:45No.
13:48What does that say?
13:49Personal phone calls.
13:51I just meant...
13:52Sorry, that was unnecessarily hard.
13:53No, that's fine.
13:54Just think if you are going to take them, you could shut the door.
13:56Anything else constructive that anyone can think of to say?
14:01Ooh.
14:04Chillax.
14:05Chillax.
14:06Yeah.
14:07Yup.
14:08Proctor now has a wealth of useful feedback
14:11and has decided to put it into action immediately
14:14by heading back to her office to chillax.
14:17The rest of the team is therefore released to kill time
14:19until the international criminal lands.
14:22Head down.
14:23Why have you put hair gel on your neck?
14:26Well, I've done the top and it's gone all shiny
14:28and I've tried to do the bottom, but, and it's, well, I've panicked.
14:32Look up.
14:33Sorry.
14:34You don't need all this crap.
14:35You look fine without it.
14:36It's very kind of you to say, Andy.
14:38It's this girl I've been seeing, you know,
14:40she's got my head spinning with the whole manner of emotions,
14:43and, well, I've, I've texted her last night
14:45and she's, she's not got back to me, you know.
14:47Well, maybe her phone died.
14:50Aye.
14:51I think maybe I've never thought about it like that, maybe.
14:54Yeah.
14:55Yeah, I just relax and don't freak out.
14:58Yeah?
14:59Aye.
15:00Okay, look up.
15:01Silly.
15:02Oh, that's nice.
15:03Okay, that's me done.
15:04There, actually.
15:05Yeah.
15:06What do I think of Terry?
15:07Well, borderline in the Met.
15:08Just don't mix.
15:09It's bad blood, you know.
15:10He seems like a nice bloke, but there's something about him I don't like.
15:15Do you know?
15:16So you're not buying this detective nice guy routine, are you?
15:17What do you mean?
15:18Don't you think he's a bit too nice?
15:19Too nice?
15:20Oh, yeah, God.
15:21I'd prefer to hang out with people that are, you know, horrible or mean.
15:25You know he likes you, right?
15:26Oh, no.
15:27He likes you and he's gonna...
15:28Andy, can I have a word?
15:29Yeah, sure.
15:30Whilst they await the arrival of the International Criminal, Agents Brodie and Hasselhoff,
15:32Agents Brodie and Hasselhoff, are you sure?
15:33Oh, no.
15:34I don't think he's a bit too nice.
15:35Too nice?
15:36Oh, yeah.
15:37God.
15:38I'd prefer to hang out with people that are, you know, horrible or mean.
15:39You know he likes you, right?
15:40Oh, no.
15:41He likes you and he's gonna...
15:44Andy, can I have a word?
15:47Yeah, sure.
15:56Whilst they await the arrival of the International Criminal, Agents Brodie and Hasselhoff
15:59kill some time and reflect that today's events feel a little like one of their favourite movies.
16:05I like Conier.
16:06It's a really good film.
16:08Yeah.
16:09You know the bit when Steve Buscemi gets on the plane and he's got the mask on his face?
16:17And everyone's like...
16:18That scared me.
16:19Everyone's like, is that Steve Buscemi?
16:22Can't tell.
16:23How can a wee guy like that be a crazy murderer?
16:27Oh.
16:28It's always the ones you...
16:29It's always the ones you'd at least expect.
16:33I could never do that.
16:35What?
16:36Order anyone?
16:37No.
16:38No.
16:39No.
16:40Why would you think that you would?
16:43I don't know.
16:44Sometimes I think like maybe I will.
16:46Yeah, well.
16:59Hey, Monica Tariq.
17:02It has been a while, yeah.
17:04Are you busy tonight?
17:05Chief Inspector Proctor isn't officially needed when the prisoner comes through passport control.
17:10Nevertheless, she's eager to practise her newly calibrated leadership skills, even when she's not required to.
17:16Chief?
17:17Hmm?
17:18I just wanted to let you know that the airplane, the planes are out.
17:21Oh.
17:22Just like Connor.
17:23Does Terry want me?
17:24Right?
17:25I mean, has he asked for me?
17:26No, no, no, he didn't ask for you specifically, but I just, you know, with the criminals there, everyone stops there, so...
17:31Clive!
17:32What?
17:33Help me look for my shoes.
17:34Okay.
17:35How?
17:36Thank God.
17:37Come on, come on, come on, come on.
17:38It's okay, just...
17:39Just...
17:40No, just leave it, leave it, leave it.
17:41Leave it, leave it.
17:42No, don't go in front of me!
17:44Finally, the long wait is over.
17:47As one of Europe's most notorious criminals sets foot on British soil and heads towards passport control, the borderline team stands ready.
17:56All of today's anticipation, hard work and preparation have come down to this moment.
18:05There's no ink.
18:06Give me that.
18:13Does anyone have an ink pad?
18:18Here you go.
18:21Open this.
18:22Two agencies working together.
18:26Mm-hmm.
18:31Welcome to the UK.
18:41And that's why I always carry an ink pad.
18:46It's been a successful collaboration between the two government agencies.
18:50Now the agents are free to get back to their regular duties.
18:53For Agent Brodie, that means checking his incoming text messages for the 128th time today.
18:59Got a text.
19:00Turns out Dasha had run out of batteries.
19:04Andy was right.
19:05Just as well I didn't panic too much.
19:07And then in the text she said, well, that's between me and Dasha.
19:08All right, well she called me a bear but in a sexual way. So, pretty good.
19:12As the borderline team prepares to leave for the evening, Agents Mansour and Church have a chance to reflect on the day's events.
19:25So, when's your date with...
19:26Terry?
19:27Yeah, no, we're not going on a date.
19:28No.
19:29Just had sex.
19:30Yeah, really fulfilling sex.
19:31Just now on the runway.
19:32In front of a plane load of people.
19:33Did he ask you out?
19:34Yeah, he did.
19:35I said no.
19:36Oh, you said no?
19:37Why is that surprising?
19:38No, I just thought that he was...
19:39Hey.
19:40Hey.
19:41Hey.
19:42What are you doing here?
19:43Oh, you are a first date on a date?
19:44Oh, I know how to call her for your date.
19:45Oh, that's fine.
19:46I'm not sure how to call her.
19:47Who did you take that off of a date with a date?
19:48I did.
19:49You know, just had sex.
19:50Yeah, really fulfilling sex.
19:51Just now on the runway in front of a plane load of people.
19:52Did he ask you out?
19:53Yeah, he did.
19:54I said no.
19:55I said no.
19:56Why is that surprising?
19:57No, I just thought he was...
19:58Hey!
19:59What are you doing here?
20:00I wanted to come and pick you up after work.
20:01Nice had him to meet you at the pub.
20:02Yeah, I know.
20:03But you don't have a car and I thought I'd give you a lift.
20:05Nice I had to meet you at the pub. Yeah, I know but you don't have a car and I thought I'd give you a lift. What can I say?
20:10I'm on a good date. I know it's not a date. We're just gonna hang out
20:14Hang out? Okay
20:17Hi, I'm Andy. Hi. Hi. I'm Monica
20:22So since we're just hanging out would you like to come along? Oh, no, thank you. I've just had a really long day
20:28I've just had tons of sex with this hot policeman at work
20:30Oh, do you want me to introduce you because he is really good-looking? He'll take you on a proper date
20:36I mean once I'm done hanging out with this one. I would love to go on a proper date
20:48This has been fun
20:50Yeah, we're just gonna go on
20:52Just go hang out. It was so nice to meet you Andy. Yeah, you too. See you soon. Yeah
20:57It's been an unusual day at North End Airport
21:00But with the sense of a job well done the team can head home for detective Bradshaw the successful handover means he'll regrettably be leaving North End
21:09But with a little luck he'll be back very soon
21:12You know, I've got to be honest every time I come to North End. I am always like where are the cameras and now there are actually cameras so
21:21It makes a lot of
21:23sense to me
21:25Although I'm still not really sure
21:27is this
21:29Is this is this show
21:31called the bleakest place on earth? Is that the name of the show?
21:39No doubt about it
21:41I'm on my way
21:43Take it over
21:45I'm here to stay
21:47One day you'll be looking
21:49When did you come away
21:51Don't tell me
21:53Don't tell me to stop
21:55Cause I'll be taking over today
21:57I'm taking over this whole place
21:59I'm on my way to outer space
22:01Don't tell me to stop
22:03You
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