- 10 months ago
Category
🎈
FunTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a program all about things that are happening.
00:26Things like this.
00:27Grease looks more likely than ever to withdraw from the Eurozone.
00:30It's weird really, normally you grease things before putting them in, not pulling them out.
00:34The words Greek and exit have been combined to make the new word Grexit.
00:38And apparently if that happens, we're fooned.
00:40It's the 30th anniversary of EastEnders, the gripping drama celebrated by going live, just like TV wasn't 30 years ago.
00:48I couldn't miss a big day, could I?
00:50Even if it does mean bumping into the bold ginger one.
00:53How's Adam?
00:57Adam Woodyatt, aka Ian Beale, has been in Albert Square since the very beginning.
01:02Nothing survives that long on a soap, except maybe a pube.
01:05Bad news for drugs fans as scientists uncover a link between powerful grass and mental health problems.
01:11Research indicates smoking skunk may triple the risk of psychosis.
01:15Psychosis!
01:17Bad, it's probably nothing to worry about.
01:18Former this morning weatherman Fred Tolbert was found guilty of child sex offences.
01:23He was immediately remanded in custody after the judge studied illuminating footage which suggested he might try and skip the country.
01:29More of that sort of thing coming up.
01:31But let's start here.
01:34As the election inch is nearer and the leaders continue to spar, vinyl tyrant David Cameron has thus far been winning the battle of personalities, despite not having one, as ITV News clearly explained.
01:45Voters are more likely to describe him as statesmanlike, competent and intelligent.
01:51F*** me.
01:53Whereas Ed Miliband is more likely to be seen as coming across as someone like me, or just plain weird.
02:00Hang on, aren't those the same thing?
02:02The Conservatives have also been buoyed by economic news of late, with polls indicating they're more trusted with the national wallet than Labour.
02:09But a recent big money story spelled big trouble for the Tories.
02:13The BBC identifies senior political figures and donors who were among those known to have held Swiss bank accounts with HSBC.
02:21Yes, the news temporarily contained more H than steps, as the HMRC came under fire for not investigating HSBC, who stood accused of hiding huge amounts of assets in a handy hole.
02:31A Swiss hole.
02:32The news that Tory donors might have been on HSBC's mucky books invigorated Miliband, as the BBC made clear.
02:39The current Conservative leadership have become the political wing of the offshore hedge funds.
02:45Uh.
02:48Not sure saying uh warranted that kind of applause.
02:51Uh.
02:54Mind you, uh is the most inspiring speech he's ever given.
02:57Maybe it could be his campaign slogan.
02:59Egged on by the applause, Miliband went even further in a particularly testy PMQs, calling Cameron dodgy.
03:06He's a dodgy Prime Minister surrounded by dodgy donors.
03:10It caused such a ruckus, Speaker John Bercow almost burst into song.
03:14He didn't...
03:15He didn't...
03:16He...
03:17No!
03:20It has always to be said, the questions will be heard, and the answers will be heard.
03:26Yes, those answers will be heard!
03:28Miliband had singled out Tory donor Lord Fink, played here by Terry Scott, as a tax avoider in the Commons, and Lord Fink was not amused.
03:36I challenge Ed Miliband to either repeat his allegations outside the House of Commons, or perhaps to withdraw them publicly.
03:44Yeah, yeah, that's right Miliband, say it to his face. Dare ya? Fight!
03:49Brilliantly, the next day Ed was visiting the comprehensive school I didn't realise he'd gone to, and which Wikipedia says it's the same comprehensive all three members of Ndubs and Steve McFadden went to.
03:59And he went on stage in front of a whole school, and he stood his bloody ground.
04:03Now, yesterday, a conservative donor, Lord Fink, challenged me to stand by what I said in the House of Commons, that he was engaging in tax avoidance activities.
04:12Yeah?
04:13I do.
04:14Ooh, he's hard.
04:16Wow, they're clapping, and he didn't even say, oh!
04:19Anyway, Miliband's gambit worked, and Fink folded, much to the delight of Channel 4 News.
04:24So, Lord Fink doesn't want to sue Ed Miliband after all. Instead, he's admitting he did avoid tax, but only he claims at the vanilla, bland end of the scale.
04:34Ultimately, Redhead's tit-for-tac, tax-for-tax tactics left him in the pink, having a drink, when Fink blinked, I think.
04:39Meanwhile, big chief ham head David Cameron, so furious at being labelled dodgy by Miliband, was busy dodging reporters' questions.
04:46Is tax avoidance normal, Mr Cameron? Mr Fink said it was.
04:50Oh, come back! Oh, look, he's up to his old trick of abruptly stomping off when he's said his bit so the press can't keep asking him any more questions.
04:56Questions which might be hostile. Basically, he's avoiding a tax.
05:00We raise money from people previously evading and avoiding taxes, and we'll go on doing that as a government.
05:06Actually, that's not avoidance, that's evasion.
05:09Denmark is on high alert tonight after a gunman fired into a cafe in Copenhagen.
05:14Oh, no.
05:15The body collectors of Freetown getting ready for another harrowing day at work.
05:21Oh, God.
05:22They've been doing this...
05:23Powerful skunk-like cannabis is associated with one in four new cases of psychosis.
05:28Hmm.
05:29Don't know if you've noticed, but the news has been kind of dispiriting recently.
05:32It's a bit like a sort of top 40 countdown of things to be worried about, which might look something like this.
05:39At 40, unpredictable and armed to the teeth, it's North Korea featuring Kim Jong-un.
05:48At 39, far out and far right getting Nazi in Greece, it's Golden Dawn.
05:52A new entry at 38, it's those apparently endless A&E waiting times.
05:56At 37, absolutely everybody from the 1970s.
06:00And hot on their heels at 36, people of colour beware, it's the US cops.
06:04At 35, still moving up the charts, whatever's killing the bees just won't buzz off.
06:09A surprisingly rough new entry at 34, sex symbol heartthrob, Christian Grey.
06:14Dropping several places to 33, ask your parents, it's nuclear war.
06:18Leaping 76 places to 32, white deadly and delicious, it's sugar.
06:22And at 31, Control-Alt-Kill, it's artificial intelligence.
06:27Yes, no less an authority than Stephen Hawking recently suggested artificial intelligence might one day do us all in.
06:33I think the development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.
06:39You know what's most worrying of all? The machines are already rising up.
06:43Everything's being replaced by robots, isn't it?
06:45We've already got robot workers, robot aeroplanes, robot despots, and soon we'll have robot cars.
06:51Although at least, as this promo explicitly indicates, driverless cars look sleek and amazing.
06:56The Mercedes Xbox, or whatever that thing's called, is ironically the opposite of a hard drive.
07:01With no steering wheel to worry about, it's the ultimate hands-free mobile.
07:04Freed from the tyranny of doing this, you could drive to work while knitting or eating lasagna.
07:09You only have to worry about it crashing, which might make it crash.
07:12But wait! This vision of the future is actually a vision of now!
07:16Because driverless cars are here! They are!
07:19Albeit a little bit less glam.
07:21Yes, this brand new driverless vehicle on trial at the O2 is less total recall and more total bumhole.
07:26In fact, it resembles what the offspring might look like if Brian the Confused.com robot f***ed a milk float.
07:32Sky's Eamon Holmes seemed woefully underwhelmed.
07:34They're golf buggies, really, at the end of the day, aren't they?
07:37Shh! Don't let it hear you, Eamon. That's your future master.
07:40Although he mainly seemed annoyed it wasn't sexy enough.
07:43Until they get a lot of chrome on them and big wheels and, you know, some sexy colours.
07:48Some of them look quite sexy. I don't think he had the sexiest one there.
07:52And what do you want, Eamon, a car you want to sleep with? A kilf?
07:55Well, would you?
07:57Mmm. Mmm. I agree.
07:59As well as the quasi-telligent cattle truck down the dome, there's also this spectacular pod-mobile
08:04that will mosey along pavements in Milton Keynes, where the biggest problem it will face
08:08is locals deliberately lying down in front of it, begging for death.
08:16At 30, they're online and out of order. They're the Twitter trolls.
08:19Looming ominously at 29, it could body-slam the planet, an extinction-level asteroid.
08:24At 28, making no attempt to fit in with the rest of the chart, it's those bloody immigrants.
08:29At 27, someone murdered Lucy Beale. You could be next.
08:33And a new entry at 26, narcissistic. It's a selfie stick.
08:37Selfie sticks are all the rage, by which I mean they're generating all the rage.
08:41You know who's got one now? Barack Obama. Yeah.
08:44Yes, supercool Obama recently appeared in a zany online video
08:47in which he pulled off the most depressing presidential headshot since Lee Harvey Oswald.
08:51He's not the first president to manipulate a selfie stick in the White House.
08:54Nixon got terribly lonely during his final days in office.
08:57Critics said it was a tad demeaning for a pres to piss around like this.
09:01You wouldn't see Abraham Lincoln taking a selfie. He'd never be able to fit that tall hat in.
09:05The clip quickly racked up more views than your mum's Instagram feed,
09:08and irritating people in the street found it awesome and really cute.
09:12That's awesome. That's really cute.
09:15Now show them one where he drone bombs a village in Pakistan.
09:18But wait. According to an unamused Fox News, Obama's bonkers antics had been filmed just hours
09:23after he'd learned of the death of a US hostage at the hands of ISIS,
09:27making this goofing possibly a tad insensitive.
09:30YOLO, man.
09:32The president says, YOLO, man.
09:34And for people at home who may not know what that stands for,
09:37YOLO stands for you only live once.
09:41Well, you know who's not alive? One, now, Kayla Mueller.
09:45And this was shot on the same day that information was released regarding her death.
09:50Hmm, yeah, that does sound pretty bad.
09:52But I'm not sure it's worse than reading a book about a goat during 9-11.
09:56We're not living in silly times, but we have a silly president.
10:00Hmm. All those antics certainly are attention-grabbing, aren't they?
10:03Just like the world of showbiz. People love showbiz.
10:06That's why they like talent contests like The Voice, which is brilliant.
10:09Look at it. Isn't it great? Ooh.
10:11But could it be even more brilliant, maybe,
10:13if it was compacted into an easy, digestible form and presented by Mr Jake Yap?
10:18I reckon it could be. Let's have a look.
10:24Now on BBC One, time for a fresh new TV format.
10:26A singing competition.
10:28Not The Face, the socially responsible karaoke contest.
10:31Four judges. Tom Jones.
10:33I'm just a humble valley boy, you know.
10:35I knew Frank Sinatra, you know.
10:37Rita Ora.
10:38Don't get too used to me.
10:39The sexy young female spots only a temp job.
10:41Ricky Wilson.
10:42This is just so wildly exciting.
10:44And Will's self I am.
10:46Broccoli is not a meaningless metaphor.
10:48You need to be broccoli, dog.
10:50Broccoli that's getting out of the fridge.
10:52Hello and welcome to The Voice.
10:54I'm Emma Willis and with me is some bloke off of JLS
10:57who looks like he's here because he won a competition.
10:59Here comes the first of an endless parade of Susan off the boils,
11:02but first let's cut to an interview with them from before they sang
11:05and then a sound bite from the judges from after they sang
11:08so that the whole show loses any anchor in time and place
11:10and feels like lost the musical.
11:12At least the band's live.
11:14Somewhere.
11:16Bang.
11:17Rita has turned round.
11:18Bang.
11:19Bang.
11:20There go Tom and Will and bang.
11:21Not to look out of place.
11:22So is little Ricky, even though he knows he stands
11:24piss all chance of being picked over the big boys.
11:27Oh, I'm going to have to go with Rita or Will or Ricky or Tom
11:32because me sister or me mum or me auntie or me probation officer
11:35will kill me if I don't.
11:36Hugs.
11:37Next warbler, please.
11:38Oh, no.
11:39No one's turned round.
11:40Oh, no.
11:41I think I should have hit my button.
11:42If anything, you were too good.
11:44Never mind.
11:45More hugs.
11:46It's a middle-class kids' birthday party
11:48where everyone wins past the parcel,
11:50taking the brutal Darwinism of The X Factor
11:52and making it into a toothless love-in.
11:54You're all winners.
11:55Yay!
11:56Auditions are starting soon for the next series,
11:58but I wouldn't bother choosing us over The X Factor
12:00since your prize is literally nothing
12:02except a line to put on your poster
12:04when you start singing on the pub circuit.
12:06See you next year!
12:07Not you, Rita.
12:14At number 25, just what the f*** is wrong with them?
12:17It's men.
12:18Down several places to 24,
12:19not quite as popular as they used to be,
12:21Al-Qaeda.
12:22At 23, you won't see them on the news,
12:24but there's just no escaping your own personal demons.
12:27Radicalising people left and right,
12:29click to log on to the internet.
12:31And at 21, it's Harriet Harman's female-friendly,
12:34awareness-raising pink bus.
12:36Pink bus sounds like a euphemism,
12:39but it's actually a debacle.
12:40The pink bus was supposed to drive around Britain's market towns,
12:43desperately attempting to engage with disenfranchised women
12:46in supermarket car parks like your dad did in the 80s.
12:49But the choice of pink caused immediate controversy across the news,
12:52with many claiming it was patronising.
12:54Interesting colour or patronising?
12:57Surely if they'd wanted it to be inexplicably popular with women,
13:00they'd have avoided pink altogether and painted it 50 shades of grey.
13:03Anyway, as Sky News brightly indicated,
13:05many pundits seem to think the pink bus was a bit of a brown idea.
13:09You don't convince people who aren't voting for you to do so
13:12by telling them that you think they're stupid.
13:15And that's what this bus is doing.
13:16It's telling all those women voters who didn't vote in 2010
13:19that they can be easily distracted by bright colours.
13:22Hmm, but not as easily distracted by bright colours as the news,
13:25which immediately bombarded Harriet Harman with questions.
13:28Not about women's issues, but about pink.
13:31Why does it have to be pink if it's appealing to women voters?
13:35Pink, magenta, cerise, which is it?
13:37You signed the colour off, did you? You take responsibility for the pink.
13:40I do, I do.
13:41Now, you've said today that pink was signed off by you. Why?
13:46This bus is not just a colour, it's about something.
13:49It's about our democracy.
13:51It's quite a small bus, but it's a very big issue.
13:54Lots of important issues you mentioned there.
13:56Unfortunately, they are all getting lost today
13:58in the noise of the pink bus issue.
14:01Yeah, and whose fault's that?
14:02Maybe the same media that decided to wang on about pink all day.
14:05They likened the bus to other pink buses.
14:08For some, the campaign is more Barbie Van than Battle Bus.
14:11They walked around showing members of the public pink bits
14:14on their mobiles to gauge reaction.
14:16Did you vote last time?
14:17No.
14:18Could this make you vote this time?
14:20Probably not, no.
14:22It was also notable that a lot of the people talking about pink
14:24on the news were wearing it.
14:26Haven't got a great deal of room to talk.
14:28As you can see, I'm wearing a bright pink jacket today.
14:30And there were ladies, because only ladies wear pink.
14:32Clatty's playing safe in fuchsia.
14:34Still a feminist, though.
14:36Get out of my mask!
14:38Soon, Labour were engaging in pink avoidance,
14:40dodging questions about the colour.
14:42And just so we've got it on the record, what colour is this?
14:45Hot...
14:48Er...
14:49I'll tell you where we got the...
14:51I mean, it's like pink's a reason...
14:53I mean, I don't know.
14:54Eventually, Harman claimed it wasn't even pink at all.
14:56Harriet Harman's response to this is,
14:58it's not pink, it's magenta.
15:00Yeah, that's right, it's magenta.
15:02Like, magenta divine.
15:04Or the three key on a ZX Spectrum.
15:06Or that pink bus.
15:07To be fair, there weren't many other colours they could have used.
15:09Red van is post office.
15:11Blue, yellow, purple and green are bagsied by the other parties.
15:13And they couldn't drive a white van, cos Labour hate those.
15:16Besides, Labour's actually been using magenta
15:18as an official colour for a while now.
15:20Look, look, here's Ed Miliband delivering an inspiring speech
15:23in front of a huge wall of it.
15:25I...
15:29Anyway, ultimately, normal people either didn't seem to care much
15:31or quite liked the pink bus.
15:33What about pink?
15:34Do you think it's patronising?
15:36No.
15:37No.
15:38I like the colour pink.
15:39I think they should have done it a long time ago.
15:41They might have won the next...
15:42the last general election if they had.
15:44Mind you, some men were unimpressed.
15:45I think they felt a bit left out.
15:47After all, poor old men are only catered for by 98% of everything.
15:51What about men?
15:52They would say that there are lots of MPs in Parliament who are men,
15:55so we know what men's views are.
15:57So they're going out to try and listen to women's views.
16:00Hmm.
16:01Still, men were provided with their own political mode of transport
16:04as harrowing adult baby David Cameron did his bit to patronise male voters,
16:08appealing to their inner schoolboy by hogging the controls of his own private train.
16:12A train Wickle Prince George Osborne clearly wanted a go on.
16:15Poor George, staring at those endless lines stretched out in front of him.
16:19He just had to lean in for a cheeky toot.
16:21I'm at full compression.
16:23There we are.
16:24Very good.
16:26And the quiet one.
16:27There we are.
16:33At number 20, we've all seen your pink bus, thanks to revenge porn.
16:37And 19, if grease pulls out, looks like we got ourselves the Eurozone Crisis.
16:41Dropping down to 18, inexplicably enough, it's Tele Savalas.
16:45And at 17, CC everyone, CC, a huge cache of your hacked emails.
16:49And at 16, Earth's shatteringly nerve-wracking, it's fracking.
16:54Quite a few people are very concerned about fracking.
16:57None more so than former Happy Mondays mascot, Bez,
17:00who, as part of his ongoing We Are The Reality Party campaign,
17:03recently staged a genuinely charming week-long awareness-raising bedding
17:07with his girlfriend Feruza.
17:08And we're hoping to raise awareness about the fracking.
17:11I'm here with my girlfriend Feruza for a week-long protest!
17:16As well as many public displays of affection between the most in-love couple in Britain,
17:20the nightly 60-minute webcasts contained a wealth of highlights,
17:24including sing-alongs...
17:25If you're happy and you're always clap your hands!
17:28..polite questioning...
17:30So, you've been doing a study into the possible health impacts of fracking.
17:35Could you let us know what you found out, please?
17:38Bits where no-one seemed sure what was happening...
17:40I think...
17:43I believe we're on.
17:45Can I do? Yeah, we're on, but we're back on air.
17:48An intense political discussion punctuated by baffling interruptions.
17:51Yeah, well, I've been saying that all week.
17:54It's, er...
17:55Er...
17:56Profit, corporation profit before the welfare of the people.
18:01Yeah.
18:02It's not right.
18:04Well, you know what I think?
18:06Oh, no, it's supposed to be against...
18:08I think Feruza's got the answers.
18:10Hmm.
18:11Say what you like, but this shit's all over question time.
18:18At 15, it's creeping up on you, ready or not, all day.
18:20Dropping six places to 14.
18:23Looks like we've lost the war on drugs.
18:25At 13, it's Stool Pigeon from Kid Creole and the Coconuts.
18:29And number 12, contrived format points on television shows.
18:34Bit in.
18:35And at number 11, the world has its eye on Vladimir Putin and the Ukraine rebels.
18:41The grim situation in Ukraine's been rumbling away in the background
18:44like a stomach ulcer for months.
18:46You can see why Ukraine's worth fighting for.
18:48Look, it's got some lovely architecture.
18:51Er, acres of rolling mud.
18:53All the smashed up rubble you can eat.
18:55And that cat.
18:57Another quickly puts down a stray cat when he sees he's being filmed.
19:01Well, there's no need to put it down.
19:03Well, you know what they say.
19:04The first casualty of war is truth.
19:06The second is cats.
19:07Many suspect Russia of backing the pro-Russian rebels,
19:10none more so than Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko,
19:13who showed off some of the passports of what he claimed were Russian soldiers fighting in Ukraine
19:18in scenes closely resembling bid-up TV.
19:20This is the best evidence for the aggression and for the presence of Russian troops.
19:25The key to a peace deal seemed to rest on negotiations with this man, Vladimir Putin.
19:29Must be hard negotiating with Putin because his expression never gives anything away.
19:33You can't accuse him of being two-faced.
19:35He's only got one face, that one, and he wears it no matter what he's doing.
19:39I mean, check out this startling footage of his recent trip to Egypt
19:42where they mangled the Russian national anthem.
19:45Putin's face never wavers, even when the music does.
19:48You can't accuse him of being two-faced.
19:51You've made it to lots of people.
19:52You've made it to get a picture of the arm.
19:54When you come to the vehicle of one hand over,
19:55you've made it to stand up for your own actions.
19:57I have to admit this.
19:58You've made it all a good thing.
19:59He's made it all a good way.
20:01He's made it all a good way.
20:03You've made it all a good way.
20:04If you are all the people that have been five years old.
20:05You've made it all a good way.
20:06You've made it all a good way.
20:07You've made it all a good way.
20:08It's the most difficult way.
20:10Get this place.
20:11The next is when the people I left it all a good friend
20:14and you've made it all a bad fight
20:15and so it's not a good fight.
20:16Turns out the Pentagon might have a theory for Putin's apparent passiveness as gleefully
20:24detailed on Fox News.
20:26A newly released Pentagon study claims the Russian President Vladimir Putin may suffer
20:33from a mild form of autism that affects all of his decisions.
20:38Researchers say if you look at President Putin during a judo match or similar activities,
20:43you can tell the right side of his body is slow to react.
20:46In other words, it takes a while for his body to sync up with his brain.
20:50Yes, news channels thoughtfully claimed Pentagon experts had analyzed video of Putin and diagnosed
20:55him as suffering from Asperger's, or as the Americans call it, Asperger's.
20:59The Russian President carries a neurological abnormality, Asperger's Syndrome.
21:04And that's what led to the Asperger's or autism-like symptoms.
21:07Hmm, Asperger's.
21:09I suppose if Putin does have autism, he's a Ukraine man.
21:13Speaking of which, as Channel 4 News expertly detailed, Europe's Francoise Hollande and
21:17Angela Merkel managed to get both sides round the negotiating table in Minsk.
21:22First Petro Poroshenko arrived, then Putin popped by, swaggering like a guy checking his
21:26trousers after a triumphant outdoor piss.
21:29Not very Asperger's.
21:30The handshake was perfunctory to say the least.
21:33I wouldn't shake it.
21:34He's got piss on that hand.
21:35And then it was down to who blinks first.
21:39Who blinks first?
21:40That's going to take ages.
21:41It's a still photograph.
21:42Finally, a ceasefire deal was reached after through the night talks.
21:45The whole thing had taken 17 hours of negotiation, breaking Putin's previous record by 17 hours.
21:52Hanging suspiciously round number 10, just what went on there, Dolphin Square.
22:01What she said now, goading the Twitterati at nine, it's Katie Hopkins.
22:05Slipping down at eight, let's hope the worst is over from Ebola.
22:08And at seven, probably doesn't belong here to be honest, it's Greg Wallace.
22:12At number six, it's President Bashar Assad of Syria.
22:17The thing about Syria's President Assad is he's a sort of accidental despot.
22:21He was training to be an ophthalmologist at the Western Eye Hospital in London when his brother was killed in a car crash,
22:26meaning he had to go home and inherit the family business of iron-fisted bastarding.
22:30It's basically a rags-to-wanker story.
22:32But despite being roundly condemned as horrible and ruthless,
22:35he's sort of awkward and gawky-looking, the least physically terrifying villain since Count Ducula.
22:39In fact, I can't quite work out which non-threatening thing he most looks like.
22:43He's a bit like Lord Percy from Blackadder or Nicholas Lindhurst playing a French postman.
22:48Sometimes he looks like he's played by Odo off the entertaining Deep Space Nine.
22:52Until recently, we were told Assad was the most evil thing in existence, but he's been usurped of late by ISIS.
22:58The whole thing is just like the marvellous 80s parable Superman II.
23:01Lex Luthor, that's Assad, he was the main bad guy until General Zod and Co show up being even more evil than him.
23:08And they wear black, just like ISIS. It's the same.
23:17Recently, the BBC's Jeremy Bowen, very much the Terry Wogan of the apocalypse,
23:21caught up with President Assad, meeting him in a plush palace for a chat
23:24so he could get to know the real monster.
23:26Jeremy, you have tried for a very long time to get this interview.
23:29Why has he agreed to give it to you now?
23:31Maybe he's got a new album out.
23:33During the interview itself, it was immediately apparent Assad doesn't just look non-threatening,
23:37he sounds non-threatening too.
23:39What about barrel bombs? You don't deny that your forces use them.
23:42I know about the army, they use bullets, missiles and bombs.
23:47I haven't heard of army using barrels or maybe cooking balls.
23:50You know, hearing and seeing him, he's a bit like Andy Kaufman's Latke character
23:54from the feel-good sitcom Taxi.
23:56Hi Latke, what did you do today?
23:58Oh, meet girls, marry her, she leave me. It was funny.
24:05Although that's where the similarities end, because Latke, to my knowledge,
24:08was never accused of being a genocidal tyrant who killed and starved his own civilians.
24:12And that, again, is against the laws of war, starving civilians.
24:17That's not correct for one reason, because in most of the areas where the rebels take over,
24:23the civilians fled and come to our areas. Very simple.
24:27Wait a minute, no, he's that bloody meerkat from that irritating advert, isn't he?
24:31Simple.
24:32Simple.
24:37At number five, overtaking Assad, it's ISIS.
24:40At number four, a bit of Dettol oil sorted out, antibiotic resistant bacteria.
24:45At number three, oh no, why do that? It's acts of God.
24:49And at number two, more dangerous still, our own worst enemy, human stupidity.
24:54But at number one, it's not going anywhere, it's climate change.
24:58Yes, so, climate change. What is it, anyway?
25:02Here to find out is Philomena Kunk, with one of her moments of wonder.
25:06Our planet is changing, and not in a good way, like into a butterfly or a giant magic shoe.
25:25And we're all to blame. I'm talking about climate change.
25:29Nineteen centuries ago, there was an industrial revolution which used coals.
25:35Coals is a fossil fuel which means setting fire to dinosaurs.
25:39It's this dirty dinosaur gas which has been blamed for climate change.
25:44What's more, so many dinosaurs were burned for steam trains
25:48that nowadays there's almost no dinosaurs left.
25:52Rising temperatures are a worldwide problem.
25:56Experts say they're responsible for making the North Poles melt, meaning too much sea.
26:02Not everyone wants to live in the sea.
26:04You don't have to be a scientist to know that.
26:06You just have to have seen a little mermaid. She hated it.
26:10The government says we need to cut our greenhouse gas emissions by 2050.
26:15But if, like me, you don't have a greenhouse,
26:18they say you can reduce your carbon footprint by not flying and walking more.
26:23But my feet swell up when I walk, which is why I came here in a car.
26:29Storms battering the coast. Tornadoes. Blizzards. Rain. Women in bikinis. Floods.
26:38If we keep discussing climate change at such an alarming rate,
26:42scientists predict the world's stock of weather footage will be exhausted by 2050.
26:47But not everyone thinks climate change is real.
26:50This hot topic has split the science community straight down the middle, 90-10.
26:55To hear both sides of this debate once and for all, I found one climate expert.
27:01Good afternoon. What are you?
27:03My name's Andy Watson. I'm a marine, atmospheric and climate scientist.
27:09How does weather actually work?
27:12And if you could make it snappy, because it's going to be on iPlayer.
27:15Um, well, the atmosphere is constantly in motion.
27:20This motion means that you get winds, if the air is rising...
27:24Yeah, I'm going to need you to be a bit more snappy.
27:26Um, you get rain, you get snow.
27:29Snappy. In one word?
27:31Uh, energy.
27:34Energy, yeah.
27:36The world's getting hotter, isn't it?
27:38But how can we stop ourselves from turning into steam?
27:42What do we do?
27:43Should we just start eating more salad and stuff like that?
27:46It's certainly true. We will have to adapt to, uh, to a warmer climate.
27:51And, and we will probably have to eat different things, uh, because...
27:55Ice cream and stuff.
27:56Um, well, certainly as the world gets warmer, you know...
27:59Probably going to be an ice fan, though, isn't it?
28:01So we can't have ice lollies.
28:03I don't think so. It's not, it's not that bad.
28:05How hot is too hot?
28:07You know, I mean, we'll be, like, going out all the time.
28:10If global warming happens really slowly,
28:14then the world could probably adapt to being quite a lot warmer than it is today.
28:19Yeah, and we'll be long gone by then, so...
28:21Well, that's true, but you've got to think about, you know,
28:23our children and our children's children.
28:25I'm not going to have kids, I don't think.
28:26Um, well, some people, uh...
28:29Yeah, some people will.
28:30Yeah, but it, but not, not until, like, their children's children,
28:34so we don't sort of care, do we, by that?
28:37Well...
28:38There's a difference between thinking climate change is man-made
28:43and thinking climate change is made up,
28:45but I can't remember it, because I'm too hot.
28:48And that might be a warning to us all.
28:51A global warning.
28:56Next time on Moments of Wonder,
28:58I'll be finding out where do fists come from?
29:04Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
29:06Till next time, go away.
29:36What do you think?
29:37No.
29:38...
29:42...
29:43...
29:45...
29:47...
29:50...