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00:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:08Read all about it, read all about it, news of the world, news of the world.
00:16Read all about it, read all about it, news of the world, news of the world.
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breein.
00:30Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Catherine Ryan and Ed Byrne,
00:34Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Stuart Francis.
00:42Thank you. Thank you.
00:44We start with a round call.
00:45If this is the answer, what is the question on the board of six categories?
00:49Rob, which category would you like?
00:51Politics. I love a bit of that.
00:52Your category is politics. The answer is 13.
00:54What is the question?
00:56Is it the number of people on X Factor's first episode with dead relatives?
01:05Is it if Wayne Rooney went to Real Madrid instead of Gareth Bale,
01:09how many months would it have taken him to manage the Spanish for hello?
01:15Oh, is it? I know what it is.
01:17Is it when Louis Walsh goes over to One Direction's house to play ping pong,
01:21how many little white balls are in the room?
01:30That's what it is.
01:31Spot on. Mathematically, yeah.
01:33Okay, is it on which day of Christmas to wonga.com come and repossess everything?
01:37Is it, uh, is it the number of BBC programmes currently hosted by Dara O'Brien?
01:50Is it?
01:51How many times did I have to watch that Miley Cyrus video before I could really consider myself to be well-informed on the subject?
02:00Is it, in fact, how many times a day does Oscar Pistorius think,
02:05well, I suppose I could just have knocked?
02:07Is it the number of feet required by the restraining order that I have on Brian Blessed?
02:21Stuart, I know you want some!
02:28Is it the number of soldiers France will actually send to Syria?
02:31Is it the politics there, mate?
02:35Yeah.
02:37At what age do you realise that One Direction might be shit?
02:46Can we have a croissant? Can we have a croissant?
02:47What is the atomic number for unlucky-um?
02:50It was, by how many votes did the government lose the crucial vote on Syria?
03:07Yes, it was. Thank you very much for you, Jeff.
03:10Well done, man.
03:13Yes, the question I was looking for was,
03:16by how many votes was Prime Minister David Cameron defeated in Parliament last week
03:20on the proposed military strike on Syria?
03:22This is the news that after recalling Parliament early,
03:25the Coalition lost the vote by 272 votes to 285.
03:2839 members of the Coalition voted against the motion.
03:32Nothing after a really funny round gets the mood up in a room like Syria being mentioned,
03:37a situation of deep political complexity and huge humanitarian sensitivity,
03:43the kind of stuff that Mokhtiwik does so well, historically.
03:46I heard that some of the ministers missed the vote
03:49because a bell wasn't functioning.
03:52I don't understand that because everyone in Parliament is a functioning bell.
03:57I guess a number of them didn't, actually.
03:59Justine Greening, who's the International Development Secretary,
04:02and the Foreign Office Minister Mark Simmons said they didn't hear the bell
04:05because they're in a room discussing Rwanda.
04:07Oh, wink, wink.
04:08Oh, wink, wink.
04:10That old chestnut.
04:11Let us not deliberately imply anything of the...
04:16I'm with you, Darren.
04:19We should just legally point out that it's perfectly reasonable
04:22for the International Development Secretary
04:24and the Foreign Office Minister to discuss Rwanda at any stage.
04:27The Parliament, I think, you know, the vote went against the Parliament
04:39because Parliament was very worried that going to war
04:41is like a mobile phone contract.
04:42It's very easy to start, it's impossible to leave,
04:45and it's very expensive when you're abroad.
04:47it's a bit rich though that Labour have come out so heavily against any kind of action though
04:59doesn't it Labour are all like oh we shouldn't be no without we know without UN support and
05:03none of it's illegal and memories are kind of short aren't they yes don't you remember Iraq
05:08it just seems a bit much Labour taking this hard line with the Tories on this it's a bit like
05:12be a bit like Madonna phoning up Lady Gaga and going for God's sake put some clothes on
05:16you know we've said you know you mean the way to stop him killing innocent civilians is probably
05:24not sending in cruise missiles which are liable to kill innocent civilians but we need to send
05:28him something to make him think twice about using chemical weapons again something surprising
05:32I'm thinking atomic kitten they've just you know what I'll do many of the many criteria
05:43would you judge that I think surprise it definitely rates very high which lineup of
05:48atomic kidney you're planning to send in well if you send in Kerry Katona with a credit card she
05:51will bankrupt the country Kerry Katona would bring more chemicals in though so according to Obama now
06:01this is going to harm the special relationship and John Kerry as well has said that the special
06:05relationship is now in jeopardy which I think is good because I think the special relationship
06:09has always been a bit creepy especially when you consider the age difference between the UK and the US
06:13the special relationship fell apart about ten years ago didn't it in love actually when Hugh Grant
06:20was in charge is this why you chose politics as a choice always think you know if you're not sure on
06:29something give it a go it might be for you how has Obama reacted to this oh very badly
06:36he's done his homework yeah yes there in fact there's a picture of him here in one of the most brash
06:47political photographs I've seen in a long time essentially essentially going I'm not happy and I've got my ass kicking shoes on right here
06:56he says he's saying I'm just giving my balls a bit of air he's on the phone going yes the desk is doing
07:04that thing of floating off the ground again I've got it under control for the moment but if you can
07:09send somebody with some weights or something Joe Biden is of no help in this situation he's just
07:15looking on I heard they were discussing Rwanda as well if that was a photograph of Bill Clinton you'd
07:25think they'd just airbrushed Monica in ski out this is a power move one power move is to sit and eat
07:33when you're in a tête-à -tête with someone another is lunging like look how look how you feel now we're
07:39kind of having an argument what about now then you know karate's on its way if that was it to eat was
07:55the other one was it three phones I know he's a president he's got three phones he might he might
08:12have three phone calls fair enough yeah in fairness you think though he might have a secretary or one
08:20phone that could was capable of taking many lives yeah he's going I don't I'll try to find out
08:26wait on the line both of you wait on the line I'm gonna bring you the number this isn't working for
08:36me Obama's foot on the desk I think it'd be funny if a comedian on a panel show were to say it's a
08:44Brock here I'm gonna put you on sneaker phone I think that'd be funny if a comedian on a panel
08:49I think of the other comes what how what is Francis position doggy style
08:59okay next topic yeah because that because that's that topic settled
09:10you know the news what has Cheryl Cole spent a reported 50 hours doing she has had a new tattoo
09:20done all over her back and it's all over her bum as well there we go yeah you know now it look she
09:26doesn't look bad does she looks good having four roses tattooed on your ass you're thinking that's a
09:31mistake though in 10 years time that is going to look like Kew garden isn't it everybody's hacking on
09:38her harshing on her as the kids say thanks they get into the regional stereotypes she's from Newcastle
09:47she has a Geordie so there's a good chance once twice a week she's going to take a shit outside right
09:52what they do she can squat in the rose garden twist one off Bob's your uncle well done Jerry
10:09apparently took 50 hours 50 hours to get it done are you thinking well you know while she was having
10:16the tattoo done she wasn't making or releasing music she does sex the naughty way is it called botany
10:28I guess her real worries will get stalked by Alan Titchmaster an aphid spray if you're going to have your
10:37entire ass done as a tattoo have something a bit more practical maybe like a pair of shorts or something
10:43like that when it's a bit hot and you know you're getting it you know you think oh yeah down we go
10:49nobody knows I think if I was if I was going out with Cheryl Cole I would definitely get a picture of
10:57some secretaries tattooed on me penis she actually looks like you're pruning a bush also you wouldn't use
11:09a condom would you use a fison's grow bag okay I'm so bringing that to an end like a watering can
11:23tattooed they're all over here that would look awesome you would get a bee tattooed like a
11:38god that would be a ridiculously large bee though I think who daddy want pollen
11:44now we play a round called school of hard mocks this game involves Rob Andy and Stuart so if you
12:01could make your way to the performance area please this round is a stand-up challenge I launch a wheel
12:06of news and whoever chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward and talk about that
12:10subject the winners whoever I think is the funniest okay here we go let's spin the wheel the first of
12:17it is consumerism who wants to come in a lot any passes so we we always like to have a go at politicians
12:24I for getting us into debt but we we're also addicted to dairy people waste this stuff well you know loads
12:29of nonsense it things like personalized number plates don't ever do it anybody can get a personalized
12:35number plate yeah you can change your name by depot for a tenner all right just change your name to
12:42your car registration number and it's the same people going oh yeah look I've got a new watch got a new
12:54watch I have yeah it's a divers watch yeah goes down to a depth of 200 meters this does 200 meters is the depth
13:00of the North Sea if you find yourself at the bottom of the North Sea you're not diving the ship has sunk
13:09the air bubble is running out and it's going to be little consolation you know what the bloody time
13:14it's going to be a good point thank you very much Eddie Parsons okay let's spin the wheel again the next
13:26subject is food who wants to come in us Rob I like food I eat most days the thing is that I've moved out
13:35my mum's now so I'll go home and see me mum and dad and I'm excited to see them but I'm more excited to
13:39the contents of the fridge but she's going to diet me mum right she got all the brothers around me
13:45brothers around for a Sunday lunch don't you did the old family for Sunday lunch couscous for lunch
13:50I wrong child line I didn't want to know I don't trust couscous to be honest with you anything you put
13:58in your mouth that feels already chewed should not be in there it's fat sand I don't any part of it
14:04all right she served it with toasted pita bread if you have a toasted pita anyway why is it so hot
14:09a little bit of folded bread what's its problem a little bit of toast pops out warm and toasty the
14:16pit is on fire once you get past the hour cook I've got a dragon breath inside to deal with
14:22there's only two things in the world not on a toasted pita bread one's the sun yeah and the other's
14:28the cheese and tomato toasted sandwich what's that prick's problem right what's his problem
14:35I mean the cheese I've not got a problem with the cheese the tomatoes that little slice is a lava
14:40I'll put you in a toasted sandwich making up Dante's peak what are you doing
14:46you fight into it you anchor on to the slice you pull the sandwich away the slice stays slaps you on
14:51the face burns your face off three days at a big red circle like that I look like a thirsty dog
14:59well done job okay that leaves you sure let's see what you've got it's been the wheel and the
15:11topic is jobs where you go was my French teacher into golden showers we
15:20I'm a Canadian comedian but if people think I'm Russian Soviet
15:31as a gynecologist I was terrified of vaginas I won't go into it
15:41very sad I've just come back from the funeral of my coke dealer
15:47I was fired as a boy scout leader I wasn't prepared for that
15:59I used to be a sarcastic high jump coach get over it
16:07used to be a professional table tennis player in Southeast Asia and recently I went back for a big party
16:18oh it was a real Hong Kong ping-pong ding-dong
16:20and someone fired up the old karaoke machine oh it was real Hong Kong ping-pong ding-dong sing song
16:28and someone rang the doorbell
16:32I used to be a cop I used to be a cop one night a guy asked me if the if he could urinate on my wrist I said not on my watch
16:47thank you very much good night thank you very much sir Francis points there for Stuart and Rob and Andy what the hell come on everyone gets points
16:58now play a game called picture of the week I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening so what's going on here
17:09what's going on here have a Newcastle United sign three new players is it badgers protesting against the possible calling of Brian May
17:20I hope nobody blows on his hair because there'd be a field of dandelions
17:28he's finally supporting a charity for black dogs that have been run over by road marking laws
17:36both Brian May and the Pepe Le Pew appreciation is
17:42trying to raise that I couldn't find me about your costume so I just painted stripes on me Womble mask
17:49does anyone know what it actually is it's part of Brian May campaigning to save the badgers from the call
17:57absolutely thank you very much Ed Byrne
18:04yes of course this is the news approaches have begun in the wake of the badger cull in the west of England
18:09trademarks including farmers have been granted a license to shoot up to 80 badgers each night in the first of the government's
18:14controlled pilot schemes to destroy up to 5,000 badgers in a bid to tackle the spread of bovine
18:20tuberculosis people have objected to this though have they not well the thing is that people love baggers and
18:25they people love hedgehogs but people don't know that badgers eat hedgehogs so the government had got it all wrong instead of campaign to kill the badgers
18:32they used to campaign to save the hedgehogs and then the same people who dressed up as badgers would be dressed up as hedgehogs going save the hedgehogs
18:39cute it cute it
18:41they eat hedgehogs and bizarrely hedgehogs and skylocks that is a that's a bit of hunting that I never thought the badger would be capable of
18:51just flying behind a skylark on a set of improvised wings with a skylark mask you know when they're with that V when they migrate
18:58and just eating the last one in the line and just looking forward one and then going is there something behind us and there's a badger floating
19:06well by me I'm another skylark
19:10it's going to make spring watch more interesting because it'll be a bit like it's being directed by Quentin Tarantino now
19:15it'll certainly make it very tense
19:17oh we join them outside the set and they slowly
19:23well it's an explosive end to tonight's spring watch
19:25yes
19:26wait 8 hours to see that badger
19:28I mean even even the coverage around it I mean this is how the Sunday Telegraph ran the story about the badger cull
19:32it's just an unfortunate conjunction of photograph and headline there
19:41behind that it's essentially the Crimean War at this stage
19:45and badgers they eat eggs and they just complain and they eat like rotten fruit and they get drunk off it
19:50they're basically the elderly we don't need them
19:54you do feel a bit sorry for them though because you know the whole Syria thing is about you know we need more evidence before we take action
20:01there's no evidence that calling badgers works
20:03yeah
20:04and the badgers presumably you know thinking well you why are you attacking us without a UN mandate
20:10who has joined force of Brian May in protest of the badger cub
20:13is it
20:14Brian blessed
20:15yes Brian blessed has as well
20:17there he is
20:18oh
20:19yes they have released there's a single which has been become quite popular because of shows like this for example
20:23going on about it because it's great we even have a clip of the video which is the badger badger badger
20:28badger
20:29save the badger song
20:30oh no
20:31a
20:32call
20:33badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger bad
21:03Clearly, that's how they catch the Skylarks.
21:08Moving on, what's up with this sad fellow?
21:11Oh, God.
21:12Oh, my God.
21:13When I saw this photo, it reminded me of a conversation I had with Dara
21:16before he went into make-up.
21:17And that is...
21:19And that is...
21:23Why does a comedy on television have to be so hurtful?
21:27Dara...
21:28Is Dara just after you...
21:30I'm not doing it!
21:33Oh, Dara, Dara, you've got a little something coming out your lip there.
21:42You've got a little...
21:43Oh, sorry, that was...
21:44Sorry, that was the other.
21:45Yeah, I'm sorry.
21:46Are we only doing this round so you can do a lingering comparison photograph with me
21:49and a blobfish?
21:50Is it...?
21:51It's not you.
21:52Yeah.
21:53Can we...
21:54Can we...
21:55Can we move on from this?
21:56To be honest, that looks like William Hague is one too close to the Fukushima plant.
21:59I think it's what most people on Match.com actually look like.
22:02Has a badger sneezed itself inside out?
22:07I don't even know why he didn't use, by the way, the blobfish.
22:11Well, is it...?
22:12Because...
22:13Is this why fish normally come in batter?
22:14Is it...?
22:16Is it Nemo checking into the priory?
22:19Yeah, he can get to his head.
22:21Is it, in fact...?
22:22Is it, in fact...?
22:23Oh, man!
22:24I lost myself!
22:27I think it's quite worrying, because it does...
22:29You know, is it one of Jordan's implants that have become sentient?
22:34I wrote both of the first book myself.
22:36No, it's been nominated, the blobfish has been nominated by an organisation called the Ugly Animal Preservation Society,
22:45which is a conservation society that basically highlights the fact that we tend to want to conserve cute, cuddly animals,
22:51not delightful creatures like the blobfish.
22:54Or those of the Titicaca water frog, which is not...
22:58Which looks actually quite cool, to be honest.
23:01It's not likely at all, isn't it?
23:02The pig-nosed turtle, with another one as well.
23:05It's alright, isn't it?
23:06It's okay, you know, it's great.
23:07It just looks like a normal turtle with a guest mouth.
23:09And...
23:11And the perennial favourite, which is the brebosus monkey.
23:14Oh!
23:15They're trying to save the pubic lice, why do you want to save the pubic lice?
23:19Pubic lice, pubic lice are dying out because of...
23:23Well, it's Brazilians, isn't it?
23:24Brazilians, and just general tidiness, cleanliness.
23:28Are Brazilians going around killing pubic lice?
23:30Yes.
23:31Yes, because they spread bullies.
23:33You think they'll have better things to do, protecting their rainforest?
23:36It's a bit weird having, like, ugliest animals, but it would be even weirder if it was like,
23:39oh, let's save the fittest ones.
23:41I think, like, oh, his beard's got really nice horns.
23:45OK, I'll kill that round.
23:46The points go to Ed, Katyn and Andy.
23:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:54Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
23:56so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
23:58I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
24:02OK, here we go.
24:04The first subject is...
24:06Extracts from DVDs that would never sell.
24:11Welcome to exercise for manic depressives.
24:14Down.
24:15Up.
24:16Down.
24:22Welcome to this How to Use a DVD Instruction DVD.
24:27First, put this DVD in the slot for the DVD.
24:31Stephen Spielberg, circumcision, the director's cut.
24:48Welcome to the Suffragette Story with me, Miley Cyrus.
24:52Ready to get fit, ladies?
24:58It's Johnny Depp, Pilates of the Caribbean.
25:05The main point of this self-help DVD is that only you can help you.
25:11No need for me, then.
25:12Thanks for the 20 quid.
25:13Hello, welcome to Funeral Etiquette.
25:19When's the right time to fart?
25:25We are in Africa filming the continent's biggest predator, Madonna in Malawi.
25:34Welcome to the best of German, who do you think you are?
25:37So, your grandfather was a...
25:40OK, we'll leave it there.
25:47Welcome to the best of Test Match Special.
25:50That one works.
25:51That one works.
25:58That really helps.
25:59This is the DVD you've been waiting for.
26:02All the tweets of Alan Sugar, read out loud by Stephen Hawking.
26:13Welcome to Filthy Dirty Nurses 2.
26:15The Rise of MRSA.
26:17Hello, I'm Ed Byrne.
26:24Welcome to Wank Yourself Skinny.
26:34Twerk yourself thin with me, teen sensation Stuart Francis.
26:38First, second, third, fourth, yes, all my wives have divorced me because I'm such a twat about cars.
26:55It's just a car in it who gives a shit.
27:04This car is actually owned by Jeremy Clarkson, which is why I'm running my key along it now.
27:14My first impression is that the dashboard layout is actually quite unorthodox and very minimalist.
27:18There doesn't seem to be a steering...
27:20Actually, I'm sitting in the back.
27:22LAUGHTER
27:28Ah, it still has that new hitchhiker smell.
27:35I don't know about you, but I think it'd be quite nice to walk today.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:45These sales have been surprisingly low for the new Renault Bellend.
27:52This car has been modified for the American market.
27:55It's got six cup holders, a sandwich stand and a small rotisserie attached to the dashboard.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01This week on Top Gear, we're going to be talking about some penises.
28:06Cars! We're talking about cars!
28:08Cars! Oh, cars!
28:12This car's personalised management system remembers who you are and how you drive.
28:17This morning it locked me out and told me to fuck off.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22Well done, again, lads.
28:23And that's the end of the show.
28:24This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Catherine Ryan and Edward.
28:38CHEERING
28:42Commiserations to Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Stuart Francis.
28:46CHEERING
28:47Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
28:52CHEERING