- 2 days ago
After Parker nearly drowns Binghamton, during an accident on the 73, The Captain calls for a Fitness Board Inquiry to determine Parker's fitness for duty.
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00:00The Poor Skipper
00:30I don't believe it, he just had his tooth pulled
00:42Who's the dentist, Bob Hope?
00:43Hey, hey, Skip, why so happy?
00:44What'd you do, bite the dentist's finger?
00:46Happy? Are you kidding? I'm in agony
00:49Oh, come on, Skip, what's the joke?
00:53You think it's a joke to have a tooth yanked?
00:56Yeah, the doc used that new painkiller, nitro...
00:59Nitrous oxide
01:00Yeah, that's it
01:01Hey, yeah, that's that laughing gas, Jazz
01:03Wow, that must be some juice
01:05Just look at it
01:06Oh, you're sure feeling no pain
01:07Are you kidding? No pain?
01:11It's killing me
01:12Yeah, the doc says we're off pretty soon
01:14We better get the skipper back to the island before he strains something
01:17Don't worry, Skip, I'll take over
01:24He'll take over
01:27Must have been the way I said it
01:29How you doing, Skip?
01:45I never felt worse
01:47Well, don't worry about a thing
01:49I got everything under control
01:50Mr. Parker, a boat dead ahead!
01:53Hold your boat, uh, I'll pull backwards
02:03Too late
02:05You murderers!
02:13Hey, this is Captain Binghamton
02:14Pull him out!
02:15Stand there
02:16Skip, we just ran over Captain Binghamton
02:23You ran over Captain Binghamton
02:26Now he'll have his whole shot
02:29Skip, permission to go on sick call
02:31I want to get a tooth pulled
02:46On the right hand
02:47smoke, I'll find that
02:48Yes, that is
02:48For today
02:48The
02:49bilir
03:15get your head off of me you seagoing murderer you i've got you this time tried to kill me in
03:33this hot rod that's what he tried to do no no no wait a minute captain if you want to blame
03:36anybody you'll blame me sir you see i had this tooth pulled out i hear you see that quite a
03:41hole i don't care about that i'm sick of your excuses mikhail sick sick sick i'm gonna do
03:47something with this imbecile i should have done a long time ago skip thomas against regulation
03:51of spanker jr yes sir i am going to send a message to conflict and you know what i'm going to request
03:56a couple cases of ketchup uh skip forgot to tell you we're low on ketchup i am going to request that
04:01a fitness board convene a fitness board now wait a minute captain you can't oh can't i huh all they've
04:07got to do is take one look at this goofball's record and they'll break him down to one second
04:12class so fast it'll make your head spin what do you think of that goofball he's nauseous already
04:17now wait a minute captain i'm not going to stand by sir and see my executive also railroading no
04:22sir huh well when it comes to railroading mikhail i'm a regular casey jones all right take me to the
04:28barn i hope he runs off the track of all that funny tricks can he do that bring mr parker i don't
04:37know don't skip it's against regulation is where in front of us enlisted men
04:41oh come on will you chuck take off that hat you're still an ensign and if we have anything to do
04:59about it you're going to stay in ensign yeah when that fitness board gets here boy it's going to be
05:03so long mr parker hello charlie what a rotten deal it ain't fair how do you get out of this chicken
05:10navy all right all right listen stop your jabbering and start using your skulls there must be somewhere
05:17we can get dingham to call off this hearing yeah if we can only jolly him up some way you know get
05:21him in a good mood lead bottom even an undertaker couldn't put a smile on his face well i got it
05:26guys why don't we call a truce maybe even throw him a party hey that's a great idea we could throw a
05:31real wing ding and birds could sneak some nurses over from the base and willie could throw up a
05:35batch on the steel and we could dance and drink and get loaded and and go right to the brink that's
05:41all right now wait a minute wait a minute hold it boys i think you just cued your uncle dudley on
05:46to something now wait a minute we might have a chance if we get old lead bottom in a happy mood
05:52right right right well now this is strictly out of left field but uh remember what i felt like when
05:57i came back from the dentist the other day sure skip the laughing gas wow if binghamton felt that
06:03way he'd not only cancel a fitness board he'd probably promote mr parker to admiral and if that
06:09don't jolly up old lead bottom nothing well listen he'll be so hysterical he'll do anything
06:14what do you think chuck uh well i'm still trying to get used to it uh admiral charles parker
06:19admiral bb parker you bunch of hyenas come here we got plans to hatch now listen to this
06:31presto one tank 100 proof laughing gas compliments of the base that lost good work good work always
06:37nothing mr parker i'd steal a whole dentist all right all right now you guys sure you know what to do
06:42have no fear skip once you lure lead bottom to the office window he's in happy land
06:47and mr parker's practically off the hook well i sure hope so not that i mind being an enlisted man
06:53but i don't know how mother would ever explain it to the bridge club all right come on boys let's go
06:57now remember glue right between the eyes don't worry skip this is going to be a million laughs
07:06how the fitness board is gonna love this record july 16th during gunnery drill he shot down a target plane
07:13august the first he torpedoed one of our garbage scouts said he thought it was a nip sub camouflaged
07:22with potato peels hi captain mikhail don't you ever knock what do you want sailor oh me uh well
07:32captain we just thought that perhaps i don't care what you thought you're not gonna change my mind you're
07:37finished you're done you're kaput well uh captain seen us how we can't change your mind about uh
07:42getting mr parker booted out uh well we just thought we'd come over and make sure there was no hard
07:47feelings no hard feel would you quit trying to snow me mikhail now what do you want what what what what
07:53see i thought you wouldn't believe it skip well i guess you're right chuck so go ahead and give him
07:58the gift that you bought for him and then we'll shove off go ahead captain on behalf of no hard feelings
08:04and through deepest admiration on this auspicious for pate's sake will you knock off that dribble
08:08and get to it get to it get to it you buy me a present what'd you get me well
08:14here you are sir oh that's terrible sir well you see that's all we could find
08:23yes sir oh what you need is some air yes some air get these out of here
08:38what are you cutthroat doing out there landscaping details sir we're just spraying the shrubs that's
08:44right so the whole island's been invaded by the dreaded frangipani flies look out here they come
08:49a flock of them frangipans i never heard anything sorry dick you squirted that right in my face stupid
08:58hey wait a breathe deeply captain breathe deeply now you clear your lungs
09:01you clear your lungs oh there's some fresh air hey here they come again another flock of them
09:08frangipans at three o'clock geronimo
09:14we're being invaded by flies
09:21yeah well don't you worry about us thing captain we're right behind you yes sir we'll stay by you to
09:25the bitter end because we're your friends we're your friends that's a good one yeah it's a real
09:30buddy
09:39that's too bad you have to lose him sir
09:44what do you mean lose him well you're the one who sent for the fitness board the one that's going
09:48to reduce me to semen i'll take care of that carboner go fake it in here
09:56ah so chucky you torpedoed a garbage gal what's so terrible about that potato peels could have
10:03fooled anybody why is it the worst
10:06hey this potato juice has got a kick stronger than a mule yeah it's almost as strong as my booze
10:15you called sir i don't know did i yes you called
10:19send a message up to complete and cancel the fitness board
10:24yes but you oh oh i get it sir it's a joke
10:31do i sound like i'm joking
10:33yeah so get going copy and send a message come on isn't that right wally that's right quinn baby
10:39you don't send the message now just as fast as your fat little legs will carry you
10:43out at work and the stuff is going to start to wear off we got to go
10:53thought they're going to get rid of you didn't they chuckie
10:56i'm not going to do it because i like you chuckie wucky i like you bingy wingy
11:02bingy wingy what you need sir is a little bit more fresh air yes a little bit more
11:07yes hey get ready you guys
11:14it's stuck skip
11:18the window's stuck
11:21what's so funny about that don't you get it sir it's a riot the window's stuck
11:25sir that's funny the potato peels yes i'll go along with that it's funnier than potato
11:31what are you eight balls doing here hey wait wait wait wait just try to open your window sir yes
11:39well remember i'm chuckie wucky get my own window open what is this chuckie wucky are you out of your
11:44mind uh
11:49we've heard you you're not laughing
11:54i don't know what this is all about but i'm
11:57sir sir i ran all the way oh mission accomplished why would i send a dummy like you on a mission
12:04you're a dummy but sir you specifically ordered me to radio conflict and cancel anson parker's fitness
12:09board what well sir you you said and i quote sir get going as as fast as your fat little legs will
12:16carry you withering dodo have you lost the last few marbles that you had why would i want to cancel
12:23if anything i want the thing on this hyena speed it up no no no no no look captain i don't know
12:29what you're trying to pull here but i'm going to drive over to the radio shack and take care of this
12:33myself get away from my window let me open your window come here yeah i'm not bingy wingy well
12:39well you are when the window's open yeah yeah you wouldn't want to do this to an old pal chuckie
12:43yeah after all the laughs we've had together yeah oh god i don't know what about the two irishmen
12:51fairweather friend oh i'm confused what is going on here
12:58we're just trying to open up his window
13:01now we're gonna go see if he needs some help with the wind and the jeep
13:03hey quick we got to give another belt with this stuff otherwise mr parker's a goner here chuck
13:15take this now when i get his attention give him a blast the rest of you guys follow my lead captain
13:22captain uh don't start that motor sir don't start the motor you just watch me start the motor get
13:26those pirates no no no no no no sir no sir we just got an emergency order from maintenance sir
13:30they said to check all vehicles for possible enemy sabotage that thing out of my face you
13:46ex ensign you sir sir i am not worried about any enemies you are the only enemy that i have and as
13:52for sabotage you nincompoop what in blazes are you doing up there well you never can tell sir
14:00those flies might be spies are you bucking for a section eight get off of my vehicle
14:07where's my key oh the key's right here sir right here
14:12that did it that did it i'm not gonna wait for any fitness board to convene i'm gonna put you away
14:17myself
14:30hey chuckie walkie come on now enjoying the fun okay bingy-wingy
14:38hurry up you little buddy's old pal old friend of mine
14:42gee i love that kind of
14:47oh well well well if i didn't make you a little trick from ward seven how are you beautiful
14:53captain really captain really i never heard of him i'm captain binghamton
14:56captain sure's a barrel of funnesty lieutenant am i on the right island
15:06come on honey let's you and i go on sick call together
15:16come back there mercy come back hey it sounds like he caught her man i'd like a shot of that happy
15:22juice myself well gather around boys the laughs are on me all right all right he's off you guys
15:27oh but skip it worked i'm off the hook yeah for now but we're still not out of the woods yet
15:32let's just hope the captain forgets all about this by the time he gets through whooping it up
15:41hey skip brass ahoy
15:43oh no admiral shoemaker come on boys
15:54sure that shoemaker from the fitness board but he must have left conflict before the cancellation
15:59reached him well what a time for him to show up all right you guys come on get lost on a double go
16:04on go on well escape what are you gonna do well i'm gonna try to keep him away from binghamton
16:08well if they ever get wise to what we pulled on old lead bottom we'll all end up see him in seconds
16:12look you get rid of that tank and stay out of sight where i'll take care of this stay out of
16:16your tank and get you get rid of your
16:30uh admiral shoemaker sir lieutenant commander mikhail welcome aboard sir mikhail is captain
16:35binghamton in uh yes sir we're here a little sooner than expected i know sir uh i believe you'll
16:40find captain binghamton inspecting the warehouse uh right this way sir sorry to hear about your man
16:46parker hey yes sir and if it's all right with you sir i'd like to put in a good word for mr
16:50parker he's a fine executive officer sir and well i can't understand what
16:57a little early in the day to be hooping it up mikhail oh well it's a special occasion you see
17:02one of the nurses just got uh engaged yes and they've thrown her a party and well you know right
17:08this way now hold on is it uh possible that binghamton is oh no sir captain binghamton is not the
17:15kind of a man sir to be partying during duty hours right here sir
17:26why that's binghamton come on honey live it up that's an order
17:36come on let's go no no sir you don't understand you see lay it mikhail it was a nice try covering
17:41up for your co but it didn't work
17:45uh
17:57hi quinny winny
18:10Who are you?
18:30What are you doing up here?
18:32Attention!
18:36At ease.
18:39Binghamton, what in the name of the great white fleet is going on here?
18:43Admiral Shoemaker.
18:45Stand attention, nurse. Don't you see the Admiral? You're in distress.
18:48Help me down.
18:49For heaven's sakes.
18:51Go to your quarters.
18:52Out, out, out, out, out. Go, go.
18:54I'll see that she's punished, Admiral.
18:56Imagine that dancing on tabletops.
18:58That shameful conduct is shameful.
19:00Yes, I would say so, Captain.
19:02It appears that we arrived just in the nick of time.
19:05The nick of time?
19:07Oh, the nick of time, yes, yes.
19:08You mean, uh, Ensign Parker's fitness board.
19:10Oh, yes, you got here not a minute too soon, Admiral.
19:12Why, that man is a disgrace.
19:14He's totally unfit to be an officer.
19:16Totally unfit.
19:18What's it we're saying, Captain?
19:20Who put that on me? I don't understand.
19:22What is this, McHale? What is this?
19:24Uh, don't look at me, sir.
19:26Oh, stop trying to pass the butt, Binghamton.
19:28And you wanted us to pass on the fitness of one of your officers.
19:32Oh, yes, I do, Admiral.
19:33I don't let all this fool you, sir.
19:35This is just something that he thought up to get Parker off.
19:37Oh, well, Mr. Parker doesn't wear, um, roses, sir.
19:43Now, McHale, you're mixed up in this someplace.
19:45I insist that we get in, Mr. Parker, and we get to the bottom of this.
19:48Don't worry, I intend to.
19:50McHale, where is Parker?
19:51I want to see him on the double.
19:52Have a b-b-b-bust her and a b-b-b-b-b-b-r-e-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g.
19:58Air raid! Air raid!
19:59Air raid! Air raid! Everybody out! Let's go!
20:00No, wait a minute, Admiral.
20:02Hey-do, don't-don't you see, this is all part of the plot.
20:04He's just faking an air raid, son!
20:06Bring them some of you lost your mind.
20:08Now, to the shelters!
20:09Yes, sir.
20:10Yes, sir!
20:11Yes, sir!
20:12Oh, thank you. Thank you!
20:14Oh, my God.
20:44Oh, you missed again, Nippies.
20:53I'm over here.
21:02Hey, where's Mr. Proctor?
21:04I don't really see him.
21:05Beats me.
21:06Figured he was here.
21:07Maybe you better have a look.
21:08See, Slightman, take a look.
21:09I'm sorry about this inconvenience, Admiral, but just as soon as this raid is over, then
21:18we can get back to the Parker case.
21:19Oh, I can tell you things about that nitwit you wouldn't believe.
21:23Only mackerel.
21:25It's Mr. Parker.
21:26I told you, Admiral, there's something the matter with that boob taking a walk in an air raid.
21:43We've got to get him.
21:43He'll be massacred.
21:44Come on, boys.
21:45Lay it, Patel.
21:46It's bad enough there's one man out there.
21:47You stay put and that's an order.
21:49But, sir.
21:50It's suicide out there.
21:51Look at him.
21:58He seems happy about the whole thing.
22:01That's what I keep trying to tell you, Admiral.
22:03The man is just not normal.
22:04Oh, will you pipe down?
22:09Hey, you're getting closer.
22:14Chuck, get in here.
22:21Good heavens, he's got one.
22:34And I swear that he didn't even aim.
22:36Oh, Mr. Regiola shoots, sir.
22:37The Deadeye Parker.
22:38Yes, sir.
22:39Oh, Deadeye Parker.
22:44Hey, one-handed.
22:48Hey, hold it right there.
22:52Right in the tail.
22:56Hey, the rest of them are turning tail.
22:58Why, Mr. Parker whipped a whole bunch of them.
23:00Single-handed.
23:01He always does.
23:02Don't be ridiculous.
23:03They probably ran out of bombs.
23:05Admiral, I tell you, that man is totally unfit to be an officer.
23:09Belay that, Binghamton.
23:10Anyone who'd stand laughing in the face of death like that brave lad
23:13was born to be a combat officer.
23:15Ah, you're right, sir.
23:16You see, Captain, I told you it was a mistake to call that fitness hearing.
23:20I don't know about that, McHale.
23:23After what I've seen around this base today,
23:25I'm beginning to have grave doubt about you.
23:29Now, come on.
23:30Let's go out and congratulate that marvelous young man.
23:32Yes, sir.
23:34Bye-bye, Captain.
23:35Doot, doot.
23:36Come on.
23:36Why me?
23:44Why is it always me?
23:46So long, you clowns.
24:05Oh, is that hot?
24:06Mr. Parker, you were...
24:09Well, magnificent is the only word for it.
24:13Magnificent?
24:14What'd I do?
24:15He shoots down an enemy bomber all by himself.
24:18Out in the open, all alone in a major attack.
24:21And he says, what did I do?
24:23Ah, well, Mr. Parker's always very modest, sir.
24:25I shot down an enemy...
24:27By myself?
24:30Sir, Hanson Parker has a request.
24:32Request?
24:33Yes, sir.
24:33Permission to faint.
24:36Yes, I was saying, sir.
24:38Hanson Parker's very modest, sir.
24:40Eisenhower...
24:49Oh, boy!
24:50Oh, boy.
24:50Oh, boy.
24:51I don't even know.
24:52I don't know.
24:53�� do, is there anything to say?
24:55Well, I see a theres.
24:56Oh, boy.
24:56Oh, boy.
24:57Oh, boy.
24:57Oh, boy!
24:58Oh, boy.
24:59Oh, boy.
24:59Oh, boy.
25:01Oh, boy.
25:02Oh.
25:03ض stared at me.
25:04Oh, boy.
25:05Oh, boy.
25:05Oh, boy.
25:06Oh, boy.
25:07Oh, boy.
25:09The End
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