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McHale and His Schweinhunds
McHale's Navy: Season 2, Episode 3
After being accused of cowardice by Binghamton, Parker orchestrates the destruction of a German U-Boat, on a mission to rendezvous with a Japanese patrol.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
00:30I just froze
00:31Forget it
00:32What's done is done
00:33Come on
00:34I'll buy you beer
00:35Come on
00:36Oh, Captain
00:40Just a minute, please, sir
00:41What is the bot, bot, bot?
00:42The dynamite charge is a place, sir
00:44Request permission to blow up the tree stumps as ordered, sir
00:46All right, all right
00:47Blow
00:47Yes, sir
00:48Get that out
00:50What kind of a navy do you think I'm running here?
00:53Sorry, sir
00:53Hey, sir
00:54It was up till now
00:56Tom and Posse
01:01Good job, Chuck
01:05Parker
01:07What the nuts devil is about
01:09Please try to control yourself, Ensign
01:12We are simply dynamiting a few tree stumps
01:14Oh, well, I thought the devil's got a good thing
01:17Hey, think at all
01:19He'll panic
01:20Oh, now, wait a minute, Captain
01:21You know, he didn't panic
01:23He was instinctively trying to protect our beloved commanding officer
01:26Oh, knock that off, McHale
01:28If that was a real air raid
01:29There was no man in your outfit
01:31That wouldn't slam the shelter door right in my face
01:34Oh, no
01:35That's for you, Parker
01:36I'm gonna put it in your fitness report
01:38That you've got a gold stripe on your shoulder
01:40And a big yellow one right on your back
01:43Oh, but, sir
01:44Get out of here
01:44Out, out, out, out
01:46Yes, sir
01:47Well, very good, sir
01:48That's telling him
01:49Imagine an officer of the United States Navy
01:51Cracking up over a little thing like
01:53What was that?
01:56Just to know the tree stump, sir
01:57How?
01:58Must have been a delayed fuse
01:59Yes, I suppose
02:00Put me down
02:00What's the idea of grabbing me like this?
02:02Pull yourself together, Lieutenant
02:04You are a disgrace
02:06Yes, sir
02:07Yes, sir
02:07Yes, sir
02:08Yes, sir
02:10¶¶
02:40Hey, Chuck! Chuck! Hey, Chuck!
02:59Hey, come on, boy. Now, snap out of it.
03:04Don't pay any attention to the old man. He's just talking to his gold braid anyway.
03:08No. Well, he said it's true, Skip.
03:10I'm a coward. I'm telling you, when that Nip P.T. boat hit us, well, I was just terrified.
03:16You may as well know, every time we've gone into action, I've been scared stiff.
03:22Well, uh, welcome to the club, Chuck.
03:25Yeah.
03:28What do you mean?
03:30Oh, look, boy, we're all scared.
03:32Any guy who says he doesn't get the yips on the fire is just a liar or just plain stupid.
03:37Oh, now, don't tell me you get scared.
03:39Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:41I get butterflies as big as bats.
03:44Or should.
03:45You know, being scared doesn't make you a coward.
03:47When the old ice hits the belly, that's when you gotta take charge.
03:51Lick it before it licks you.
03:52Think positive, boy.
03:54Charge your head.
03:55Look, when you're attacking, you can't retreat, can you?
03:58Hey, yeah, yeah.
03:59That makes sense.
04:00So just lay it in there tough, boy.
04:02The next time it happens, just remember, gutsy is as gutsy does.
04:08Hey, Skip, you got it.
04:09Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
04:11Hey, boy, now, why didn't I think of that?
04:14Hey, look, Skip, any time you have any problems, I mean, you know, career-wise, well, just come to me and we'll talk them out.
04:18Oh, thanks, Chuck.
04:21Now, as a matter of fact, there is something you can do for me.
04:25I wonder if you take the boat out and check number two engine?
04:27Oh, sure, Skip, sure.
04:29I'll get it, yeah.
04:30Boy.
04:33Guts he is as gutsy does.
04:35Boy, I love that kind of talk.
04:37Take it, don't sneak up on me like that.
04:50Don't you know we're in enemy waters?
04:51Sorry, Mr. Parker, I just want to know if you think she's running okay.
04:55What?
04:55Oh, uh, yeah, that number two engine sounds pretty good.
05:01Hey, wait a minute, isn't there a rattle in the number one?
05:02I doubt it, sir.
05:03We're only running on number two.
05:05Well, then you're wrong.
05:08Christy, take her back to the barn.
05:10Hardest starboard.
05:12Or port.
05:13Whichever one's shortest.
05:16Hey, Mr. Parker.
05:17I've got a hot one on the sonar bearing 0-9-2.
05:20Hey, there she blows at any sub.
05:24Where?
05:24Where?
05:25Just off the point of that island.
05:29Hey!
05:30It's a German U-boat.
05:32U-boat?
05:33Oh, come on, there ain't any U-boats in these parts.
05:35I'm telling you, it's a U-boat.
05:37I know a U when I see one.
05:38You know, it's like a V only it's got a round bottom on it.
05:41That's a U-boat doing around here.
05:43Boy, what are we doing around here?
05:45Tinker!
05:46Oh, full ahead.
05:47No, I mean that way.
05:48Yeah.
05:48I got you, sir.
05:50Oh, boy, wait till the skipper hears about this.
05:52Yeah, when the skipper finds it, the skipper...
05:54Hey, boy, that, Tinker!
05:56Oh, wait a minute, you guys.
05:57We gotta lick this before it licks us.
06:00Guts he is as guts he does.
06:01All right, you guys.
06:05Battle stations.
06:06We're gonna attack.
06:07Attack?
06:08Mr. Parker, that U-boat has a five-inch gun.
06:11It'll blow us right out of the water.
06:13What's the matter?
06:14Ice hitting your belly, kid?
06:16Well, hang in there, tough boy.
06:18Stand by to fire torpedoes.
06:21What's the range?
06:22No time for that now.
06:24Fire one, fire two.
06:25Fire two.
06:25Fire one.
06:26Fire two.
06:27Fire two.
06:28Fire two.
06:29Fire two.
06:30Fire two.
06:31Fire two.
06:33Tough luck, Mr. Parker.
06:34We missed him.
06:35Uh, yes, sir.
06:36You were just a speck wide to the left.
06:37Say, about, uh, 400 yards.
06:44Well, it wasn't a complete loss.
06:46At least we got a piece of the island.
06:47Hi, Captain.
06:51You sent for me?
06:52I not only sent for you, McHale.
06:54I sent for your entire gang of Japanese secret weapons.
06:58Now, where are they?
07:00Oh, well, sir, the crew isn't back yet.
07:01You see, Ensign Parker's out checking number two engine.
07:03Ensign Parker, you let that juvenile delinquent loose on the high seas with an armed vessel
07:09of the United States Navy?
07:10Well, yes, sir, but that's it.
07:11Hey, there's no trouble.
07:12That does it.
07:12That does it.
07:13You're responsible.
07:14You're included in the charges, too.
07:15Charges?
07:16Charges?
07:16Now, wait a minute, Captain.
07:17Well, what happened?
07:18Oh, you're going to love this one, McHale.
07:19This is a real grabber, this is.
07:21That chicken-livered Ensign of yours, he no doubt was frightened by a seagull.
07:25He fired off two torpedoes, and he blew off the tip of Analuco Island right there.
07:31No, are you sure?
07:33It looks all right to me, sir.
07:34Stop with your jokes, McHale.
07:36It looks all right to you.
07:37I have a report from the native chief on that island, and as of this moment, his people
07:42are right up to their little suntan navels in shredded coconut.
07:48Well, now, don't get steamed up, Captain.
07:50I'm sure it was just an accident.
07:51Ah, store the excuses, McHale.
07:53Well, the Navy has had it with you and your rat pack.
07:56You're confined to your quarters pending the court-martial.
07:59Court-martial?
08:01Handsome Parker reporting with information for naval intelligence.
08:07Hey, hi, Steve.
08:08Hi.
08:09Hey, you'll never guess where I just took a shot at.
08:10Hi, Captain.
08:11Shut up.
08:11You're under arrest.
08:14Under arrest?
08:15For what?
08:16I stow it, Chuck.
08:17The Captain already knows about you blowing up that island.
08:20Oh, there.
08:21Oh, that's not the important thing.
08:22The only reason we hit the island is because we were Mr. U-Boat.
08:24What?
08:25Well, at least he admits he's responsible for...
08:29A U-Boat?
08:31Yes, sir.
08:31Yes, sir.
08:32That stands for Unger Sea Boat.
08:33That's German.
08:34With an umlaut.
08:35I know what that stands for.
08:36I'd kick you right in your umlaut coming in.
08:38You're a pony story like that.
08:40Oh, Chuck, are you sure it was a U-Boat?
08:42Oh, Skip, I saw a U-Boat.
08:43Scout's honor.
08:44God, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
08:47Any gibbering fool knows there's no U-Boats in these waters?
08:51Parker, that is absolutely the most ridiculous.
08:56I'm busy.
08:57I don't...
08:58Oh, yeah.
08:58Why didn't you say it was the Admiral?
09:00What did I...
09:00Chuck, couldn't you dream up a better story than a German sub?
09:05Skip, I'm telling you, I saw a U-Boat.
09:08Clam up!
09:08Oh, no, not you, Admiral.
09:11Yes, sir.
09:11All right, sir.
09:12Yes, I'm listening, sir.
09:13Well, listen good, Binghamton.
09:14This is urgent.
09:16I want to alert you to some trouble in your area.
09:18I already know about the trouble, Admiral.
09:20And I've got the culprit right here, sir.
09:22It's one of McHale's men.
09:23Now I want you both to listen to this.
09:26Huh?
09:27It was Ensign Parker, Admiral.
09:29And you know how he tried to alibi his way out of it.
09:33Said he saw a U-Boat.
09:35What are you cackling about?
09:37You don't know what you did.
09:39I'm sure he undoubtedly...
09:42Would you repeat that, Admiral, sir?
09:44I said he undoubtedly did see a U-Boat.
09:48That's the emergency I'm calling about.
09:50I'm glad somebody down there is on the ball.
09:54Parker, well done.
09:56Yes, sir.
09:58Well done.
10:00Now hear this, Binghamton.
10:01Get Commander McHale on this right away.
10:04Sink that U-Boat.
10:06Yes, sir. Sink that U-Boat.
10:07Yes, sir.
10:07Thank you very much, sir.
10:08I just want to help.
10:09Admiral Reynolds.
10:10Ensign Parker here.
10:12Listen, thank you very much for the well done.
10:14And, Admiral, I want you to know that we're behind you.
10:17Yes, sir.
10:17Goodbye, Admiral.
10:18Yes, sir.
10:18Goodbye, sir.
10:19And we're shoving off right now, sir.
10:21No, Captain, thanks for letting us listen in.
10:24Bye, Captain.
10:25Bye.
10:28Hey, Skip.
10:29Mr. Parker tell you about the U-Boat?
10:30He sure did.
10:31And we're going after that Dutchman right now.
10:33Take her.
10:33Turn him over.
10:33Let go out.
10:35Hold it, McHale.
10:39Hold it, McHale.
10:40I'm going with you.
10:41I'm going to take command of this mission personally.
10:44Oh.
10:44Well, you're the boss, sir.
10:46But to what do we owe this great honor, sir?
10:48That Admiral Reynolds hit a nerve?
10:49Oh, knock it off.
10:51I'll tell you why I'm going with you, McHale.
10:52I'm sick and tired of you locking in all the glory.
10:55Oh, not me, sir.
10:57Mr. Parker's the man of the hour.
10:58Oh, Skip, it's nothing.
11:00My any gutsy officer would have done the same.
11:02Listen, I'm behind you all the way, Wally.
11:03And maybe you'll get a well done, too.
11:05Get your head off.
11:06Let's get this garbage cow rolling.
11:08Yes, sir.
11:09Garbage cow rolling out.
11:23Well, what do you think, Chuck?
11:24Is this about where you sighted that sub?
11:26Well, that's the island, Skip, but it doesn't look the same as it does on the chart.
11:30How could it?
11:30You blew one end of it off.
11:32Only two islands in this area, sir, with coves big enough to handle an enemy sub, Kokani and Malura.
11:39All right, Parker, you and I will take Kokani.
11:41McHale, you take the boat and you cover that other place.
11:43This time, if you get lucky, you're going to get lucky with me.
11:46Well, now, wait a minute, Captain.
11:47It's not a question of luck.
11:48It's just a question of not letting the old ice hit your belly.
11:50You've got to lick this before it licks you.
11:52I'll knock it off and quit talking to me like I was an ice cream cone.
11:56Cover me.
12:05Cover me.
12:06What's the matter, Captain?
12:19There's a couple of Germans.
12:20Let's get out of here.
12:21What are you doing, Captain?
12:23What's the matter?
12:24Butterflies, huh?
12:24Big as bats?
12:25Welcome to the club, fella.
12:26What?
12:27Look, Captain, being scared is nothing to be ashamed of.
12:30The best of us get scared at times.
12:32The little trick that separates the men from the girls is what you do about it.
12:36Just call me Mabel.
12:37Bye.
12:37You're going to attack.
12:40You're going to attack.
12:57You're going to attack.
12:58Well, that'll teach those crouts to stay out of my territory, huh?
13:23Well, take a look around, see if there's any more of them.
13:28See, Captain, it worked. We moved ahead. We licked it before it licked up.
13:33Oh, shut up, you people.
13:34Can't you carry out a simple assignment to have to do everything myself?
13:37What would I do wrong?
13:38You knocked out this German officer. I want to question him.
13:41I want to find out what is he doing here.
13:43Oh, well, uh, here.
13:45Come on, Fritsy boy. Come on. Wake up. Wake up, boy. Come on.
13:49All right, he's coming too. Question him, question him.
13:52Spreckenzie Deutsch?
13:54Oh, yeah. Spreckenzie. Of course he's Spreckenzie. He's German, isn't he?
13:58They all Spreckenzie over there.
13:59Find out if he's off that U-boat and what is he doing here?
14:02That's what I want to know.
14:03Jawohl, yeah.
14:04Under the boat.
14:06Get diving.
14:07With their umlaut.
14:09Is that the ring in the bell?
14:11His name, his name. I want to know his name with the ring in the bell.
14:16Quite classy.
14:18We'll do that.
14:19What nomenhoppensee?
14:21You know, like, what's your name?
14:23Schweinhund.
14:25Lieutenant Schweinhund.
14:27Here. Glad to meet you. Sorry.
14:29Oh, Clam, that isn't his name. He just called you a dirty dog. And he's right.
14:34Well, now, look, Mac. You better watch your language, cause you're not messing around with kids.
14:39Hey, Captain. Japanese fuel barge. The beach is crawling with nips.
14:42Oh, I can't. He's freaking out.
14:56All right, quick. We gotta get out of here.
14:58Oh, you should fall apart in a hurry, Captain.
14:59Mr. Ryan, we're outnumbered. We gotta make a run for it.
15:01Negative, sir.
15:02Now, look, if the nips barred us, why, when the skipper and the rest of the guys on the 73 came back, they'd be sitting ducks.
15:07Now, what are we gonna do? Why, why, why?
15:09Well, now, look, we gotta think positive.
15:11We gotta lick this before it licks us.
15:13I'll start with that licking again. I'm gonna strangle you.
15:16Well, now...
15:17Hey, I got it. Tinker, help me out with this guy's uniform. Come on.
15:20If that comes a gun, he should fly to me.
15:22Knock him over here.
15:26Okay, straighten up there, sailor. You're in the German Navy now.
15:28Look, Mr. Parker, the only German I know is by me, Mr. Shane.
15:31Don't worry about a thing. Whatever I say, you just say, ya boh.
15:37You okay, Captain?
15:39Of course, I'm not. Parker, untie me. I've changed my mind. I don't wanna be a prisoner at war.
15:43No, Captain, there are only two uniforms, and, well, this is the only way I can save you from the nips.
15:46How did I ever let you tuck me into a thing like this?
15:49Now, this is our only chance. We just gotta bluff this thing through.
15:51Mr. Parker, the nips is coming. Ya boh. Ya boh.
15:54It's been out of my mind. Get me outta here.
15:56Just relax, Captain.
15:58You gotta think positive.
16:00Good, bad.
16:01Good, good.
16:03Good.
16:04Good.
16:05Gesundheit.
16:06I'm gonna take it from the Japanese Navy.
16:08Yes, yes, yes.
16:10Lieutenant Johann Sebastian Bach.
16:12Dutchman.
16:13Under the boat, dive in.
16:15Good, good, good.
16:16Good, good, good, good.
16:18Yes, yes, yes, yes.
16:20Wiener Schnitzel.
16:21Yes, yes.
16:22Sauerbraten.
16:23All liberalists.
16:24Yes, yes.
16:25Sorry, I do not speak German.
16:28German do you speak English English you have taken American prisoner captain how
16:49you capture such important officer he was all survival of ship we could think
16:55yeah yeah he refused to go down with the ship yeah he big yellow the belly he is on my
17:04prisoner and I do man my rights under the Geneva Convention my men are unloading the fuel oil when
17:18will you both be here oh yeah well there has been change in plans yeah yeah so you take into your
17:24men and go back to your base at once now that means hurry up but I am to make rendezvous with
17:30a U-boat well they won't be here for some time don't know maybe high five dry weeks so you take
17:38your men and shoving the often I have orders to wait for you both I stay it's your fault please stay here
17:53why didn't you get on with the ship
17:54uh-oh oh there's something on the beach all right but it ain't no lead bottom take around the other
18:09side of the island quick before they spot us what's up skip a nip landing party it looks like
18:13mr. Parker's luck has run out come on let's get out of here quick
18:16is that a weird setup those crazy guys they're trying to bluff their way out of a spot what do we do skip
18:39going for a shootout oh no that's no good this can't take a chance of our boys getting hurt hey
18:43skip we got company holy jumping torpedoes it's the german U-boat they must have come back to
18:52refuel what a time for them to show up oh brother if they get to our boys they're goners
18:58ruber you come with me the rest of you guys cover us come on
19:04jawohl die japaner haben alles fertig gemacht kommen sie mit mir
19:19hey group get in this uniform huh me in a nazi uniform oh come on skip if i gotta change size let
19:36me go japanese get into this uniform look you gotta get into their camp and keep those nips off the
19:41beach stall them i don't care how you do it but stall them until i give you the high sign
19:45hey the rest of you guys go back to the boat and rustle up a couple of depth charges
19:50we're gonna go into the oil business come on boys let's go
19:55come shorts great on all the way to show you guys come on start
19:59what do you say bye bye bye bye bye your U-boat has returned
20:03good good good good that she is that you won't mean you won't yeah yeah oh boy
20:09oh boy
20:10yes it is one that comes to a
20:11act to
20:12oh
20:14Hitler
20:17whoo
20:18guber
20:19herrkommendag grubber to you schweinhund
20:21jawohl
20:22ah kommendag guber welcome yeah yeah i do mean welcome
20:26oh boy
20:27thank you
20:27you got a stall in the ipsnays
20:30oh yeah yeah i will have my man log the oil
20:34oh not yet i mean uh
20:36post the on
20:37herrkommendag grubber is in charge here
20:39he will tell you when he's ready uh
20:41you want to interrogate the prisoner
20:43oh yeah yeah yeah yeah
20:45jawohl
20:46is das nicht der kapitan
20:55ja das ist der kapitan
20:57is das nicht der kreppig stunk
20:58ja das ist der kreppig stunk
21:00ist das nicht der bottom led
21:02ja das ist der bottom led
21:04kapitan
21:05kreppig stunk
21:06bottom led
21:07oh
21:08oh
21:08we germans always sing when we're happy
21:19one more time
21:20i set the timer for 45 minutes right skip
21:23yeah right
21:24uh-oh
21:25folks you can't tell a depth charge from an oil drum without a scorecard
21:29well that's the name of the game baby
21:32once these babies get on board
21:34wapo
21:36wapo boy
21:38that submarine will be nothing but alphabet soup
21:41okay that one's all done
21:43okay verge pass the word will you
21:45right let's get this down there
21:46easy
21:47easy
21:52easy
21:52holy
21:57shayness
21:59holy
22:00shayness
22:01okay
22:01stop the music
22:03you can get load now
22:04and muckers is sure you get load in every oil drum on the beach there
22:07don't
22:07shall we take the prisoner with us
22:10put in concentration camp
22:12oh
22:14that is pretty good offer
22:16i know
22:17if we take him out and shoot him
22:19yeah yeah
22:19spinehorn
22:20thank you
22:26thank you
22:27no time for you mr parker
22:37come on let's get out of here
22:38no
22:39harassment
22:39hey nice foot boys
22:45good going chuck
22:46oh thanks
22:47like you say gutsy is as gutsy does
22:49gutsy you
22:51striking a superior officer
22:53we'll see how gutsy you are at the court marshal
22:56you can forget about the court marshal
22:59oh thank you sir
23:00you're gonna face a firing squad
23:02wait a minute captain now
23:03mr parker saved your hide sir
23:05yeah
23:05if it wasn't for him sir you wouldn't be here now
23:07remember we had a firm offer from the japanese
23:10mr parker standing in front of a firing squad
23:13uh he can hardly verify that you helped sink a german submarine
23:16now goody
23:17yeah
23:17mr watch submarine where was that
23:19where
23:19well i ought to have those oil drums loaded on by now
23:22including our little gift packages
23:24so i'd say in about five seconds
23:26four
23:27three
23:28two
23:29that's one german submarine
23:36how you how you
23:38put me down
23:39what's the idea of grabbing me like that
23:41put yourself together
23:42ransom
23:42you're a disgrace
23:44you schweinhunds let's go
23:46after you sir
23:47won't you ever touch me again
23:49all right all right all right pipe down you guys hold it hold it hold it
24:00i would like to uh make a toast to our guest savannah
24:03herr parker
24:05herr gruber
24:06herr bell
24:07the only men who served in two navies on the same day
24:10afton
24:13present
24:15present
24:16herr parker sam
24:18i cook this in your order
24:19what is it
24:21is das nicht dein wiener schnitzel
24:23ja das ist dein wiener schnitzel
24:25ist das nicht dein wehrer kuck
24:27nein das ist ein wehrer kuck
24:29wiener schnitzel
24:30wehrer kuck
24:31hooooh wie scheehers
24:34hooooh wie scheehers
24:37hooooh wie scheehers
24:40scheehers hooooh
24:42hooooh
25:10wehrer kuck
25:12gosh
25:20wehrer kuck
25:24okay
25:32You
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