- 7 weeks ago
A lazy, pampered, rock and roll star is captured by a Japanese patrol, while out on maneuvers with McHale and The Crew, and holds a captive audience.
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FunTranscript
00:00He's here, sir! His plane just landed! He's here! He's here!
00:15Who's here? What do you mean bursting in here like a ninja?
00:17Harley Hatfield, sir, don't you remember his travel orders that he was being shipped here for two weeks temporary duty?
00:21Oh, Harley Hatfield, so what?
00:23So what? Why, sir, he's the number one singer in the country.
00:26Lay that pistol down, baby. Lay that pistol down. Please, please, a pistol.
00:31Stop that this minute.
00:33What's the matter with you wiggling like that in front of your commanding officer?
00:39There's all that racket out there.
00:42A little crowd is gathering to welcome Harley Hatfield.
00:46Well, they are now. We'll see about that.
00:56All right, all right, all right. What's going on here?
01:04Is this a naval base or is this a stage door at the Paramount Theater?
01:08Well, that's an easy one, sir. Naval base.
01:11What are we doing? Shutting down the war because some two-bit crooner showed up here?
01:16Oh, he's not a crooner. He swings.
01:18Haven't you ever heard him, sir?
01:19You know, lay that pistol down, baby. Lay that pistol down. Pistol.
01:35Just stop that. All of you. Just stop that right this minute.
01:38Carpenter, put them all on report. All of you.
01:40Yes, sir, I will. As soon as I get his autograph.
01:45Get out of my way. Stand back here. This is your captain speaking.
01:49Mr. Hatfield, please.
01:51Carpenter, you're a disgrace.
01:52What?
01:52Ah, stay here, sailor.
01:54Seaman Hatfield reporting for duty, sir.
01:57As you were. All of you.
02:01Now listen to the naval base.
02:02Howdy, ladies. I just love you.
02:07Captain, you are going to be ashamed of yourself.
02:09Don't just stand everything. He'll help me with this load.
02:19letter.
02:19Hold on, baby.
02:28Hold on, baby.
02:38Hi, Bernard.
03:01Yes, sir.
03:02I was talking to Comfleet on the phone.
03:05They said not a single one of the dispatchers that I sent this morning
03:08has been received.
03:09Now, how do you account for that?
03:10Very simply, sir, because none of them have been sent yet.
03:13What?
03:14Well, sir, the radio shack has had more than it could handle this morning.
03:17Harley Hatfield had to contact his agent three times.
03:19His agent?
03:20Oh, yes, sir.
03:21And he had to also contact his tax man
03:23and also get in touch with his record company
03:25about his royalties on Child Ahead Blues.
03:27Child Ahead Blues.
03:29Carpenter, how dare you let an ordinary seaman use the radio shack?
03:32Oh, but, sir, he's not ordinary.
03:34He's Harley Hatfield.
03:35Why, I heard that he sold over $1 million in war bonds.
03:39I don't care what he sold.
03:42Why wasn't he assigned a duty with the rest of personnel?
03:45Well, sir, I asked him what he'd like to do,
03:46but we had to rule out quite a number of things
03:48because he doesn't get up until 10 in the morning.
03:5210.
03:54Up by 10, is he?
03:55Well, then, why don't you loan him my Jeep?
03:57It's nice to go surfing at that time of day.
04:00Sir, I'm glad you said that because that's just what I did.
04:02You let him my Jeep?
04:06Are you mad?
04:07Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
04:07It was a very fair trade because, sir,
04:09he left you an autographed copy of his latest hit,
04:12Child Ahead Blues.
04:12See, he signed it right there.
04:14He did.
04:16Now, Carpenter, you get this, and you get this straight.
04:19I haven't received any special orders on Hatfield,
04:23and he is to be treated just like any other sailor,
04:26and that's an order.
04:26Yes, sir.
04:27And as for this,
04:30one chowderhead deserves another.
04:32Well, isn't it exciting having a celebrity on base?
04:59Yeah.
04:59He's got a piece of paper.
05:00Well, I don't know.
05:01Let me see.
05:02I got some here.
05:03What's going on over there?
05:05Why, why, why?
05:05We're friends of Harley Hatfield, sir.
05:08Hi, Captain.
05:08Can I borrow this?
05:09I want to get his autograph.
05:15Hatfield.
05:17Sorry, folks.
05:17That's all for now.
05:19Frank!
05:23I don't know where you're going, sir.
05:25Are you all right, sir?
05:26I'll never be all right when I get rid of that Hatfield.
05:31Get rid of him, sir.
05:32But he's a star.
05:33A star?
05:35That goon is a star?
05:37He's a menace with sideburns.
05:39That's what he is.
05:40An eight ball?
05:42Speaking of eight balls, McHale,
05:45maybe I just solved my problem.
05:47I'm going to assign him to you.
05:49Oh, wait a minute, Captain.
05:50You can't transfer him now.
05:52He'll really follow up our base.
05:54Well, on your base, it'll never be noticed.
05:56Hey, fellas, lay those pasteboards down.
05:58We've just struck oil.
05:59Hey, what's up, Bruce?
06:00The skip and Parker just landed with Harley Hatfield.
06:03He's going to be bunking with us.
06:04Harley Hatfield?
06:05The movie star, Mr. Happy Hips?
06:07Wow.
06:08Where's the oil coming?
06:09Use your imagination.
06:11We're going to put on a show.
06:12We'll sell tickets.
06:13He'll sing.
06:14And during intermission,
06:15we can unload that trunk full of hooch
06:16at five bucks a bottle.
06:18Hey.
06:18Hey, what a break.
06:20Hey, Skip, isn't this terrific?
06:21Where is he?
06:22Hey, yeah, listen, where's Harley?
06:23All right, all right, calm down, boys.
06:25Now, look, let's get one thing straight here
06:27before anything else happens.
06:37Where would you like this stuff, sir?
06:39Oh, just put it right down there, sonny.
06:42Here's something for your trouble.
06:44Hey, Skip, five bucks.
06:46I already told you, Chuck,
06:49that's an Anson's uniform you're wearing,
06:51not a bellhop's.
06:52And quit tipping the officers, will you?
06:55Say, uh, Harley, old soul,
06:57you can have my bunk.
06:58Anything else you want to make you happy,
06:59just name it.
07:00Take mine.
07:01Hey, hey, hey, hey.
07:02Thanks, fellas, but I'm just happy
07:04being here with you fighting men.
07:06And I finally found a place
07:07where nobody expects me to put on a show.
07:09Skip, let's see.
07:10That is absolutely 100% correct.
07:15Nobody, but nobody around here
07:17expects you to do anything
07:18but your share of the work.
07:20Work?
07:20Who said anything about work?
07:22Where's the action?
07:23I want to give myself a nip.
07:25Wait a minute, Harley boy.
07:26You are too valuable to get mixed up
07:28with all that nonsense.
07:29Yeah, you're allowed me to get
07:30your hip shot off.
07:30Forget it.
07:31Take it from me, cousin.
07:32I'm a lanceman.
07:33All the boys are right.
07:35You know, your record showed
07:36that you didn't have basic training
07:37at boot camp.
07:38We're not even supposed
07:39to let you go near a gun.
07:41What?
07:42Why, however you know,
07:43back in the Blue Ridge,
07:44I was one of the best
07:45rabbit hunters around.
07:47If this gun was loaded,
07:48I'd...
07:49Give me that gun, will you?
07:53Give me that gun.
07:54What are you trying to do?
07:55Tell us all.
07:56What do you think we are, rabbits?
07:57Hey, group, you sprung a leaf.
07:59Oh, and that was such a good batch, too.
08:01Let's grab some of that in here.
08:03I'm sorry, friend.
08:04Here's the 20 to cover the damage.
08:07Here, let me have that.
08:09You keep your 20, Hatfield.
08:11And from now on,
08:12the only weapon I want to see
08:13in your hand is a swab.
08:15A swab?
08:16See here, McHale.
08:16I'm going to call my agent.
08:18Well, now, you go right ahead
08:19and do that.
08:20When you get off duty,
08:21right now, go stow your gear.
08:24And fast!
08:26The rest of you guys, outside.
08:28I want to talk to every one of you.
08:30Come on, come on.
08:30You too, Groover.
08:31Let's go.
08:32Say, Hatfield,
08:33if you do autograph this bullet hole,
08:34I could send it home to my mother.
08:36Come on.
08:37Come on.
08:41All right.
08:42Now, hear this, you guys.
08:44Now, we've been stuck
08:45with a prima donna by Captain Binghamton.
08:47But, I don't want any of you
08:50buttering him up
08:51or doing him any special favors.
08:53Do you read me good?
08:55Special favors?
08:56They ruined the whole case of good booze.
08:58And you were going to give him your bunk?
09:01Here, it's a read.
09:06Hey, you critters ain't ever going to win a war
09:08hugging the ground like that.
09:10Well, what do you mean by that crack?
09:11Well, I was just practicing.
09:13I threw a grenade out the back window.
09:16Hatfield,
09:17one more boneheaded move like that,
09:19so help me.
09:20Even Eurasian won't be able to help you.
09:22I told you to pack your gear,
09:24so get moving.
09:25Move!
09:26Move!
09:26What a chicken outfit this is.
09:33All right.
09:34What wise guys threw the grenade?
09:36Oh, gee.
09:36If tired of my cooking,
09:38just say so.
09:39You all right?
09:39Hey, the creep almost got him.
09:41Well, we gotta get rid of that
09:42Harley Hatfield.
09:43Harley Hatfield this year?
09:44Why, you know him too?
09:45Oh, sure.
09:46He's very big in Tokyo.
09:48Oh, lay that pistol down.
09:52Babe, lay that pistol down.
09:54Tom.
09:55All right, all right, all right.
09:56Hold it, hold it.
09:57You want him to hear you?
09:58Now scoot out of here before he sees you.
09:59Go on, go on.
10:00But I want his autograph.
10:02Wait a minute, sure.
10:03A one-way ticket to a PW camp
10:05is what you want.
10:06Now go on, scram.
10:07Beat it.
10:07Go on, go on.
10:08All right, Dr. Christopher.
10:13Well, I know one thing for sure, boys.
10:15We gotta get rid of Killer Hatfield.
10:17I'll buy that.
10:19Smith, you heard him.
10:20He ain't leaving
10:21until he bags himself a nip.
10:22Yeah, you'd think he'd settle.
10:23He'd almost got himself an officer.
10:25Well, I say if it takes a nip
10:27to get him back to the States,
10:28then that's exactly what we'll get him.
10:30Around here?
10:31We haven't seen any Japanese in weeks.
10:33Yeah, that's the trouble at war.
10:34There's a shortage of everything.
10:36All right, all right.
10:37Hold it, hold it.
10:39Now look,
10:39if we can make a five-year-old scotch
10:41out of two-day-old coconut juice,
10:44we can certainly make a nip
10:45for a Hatfield.
10:46Hey, man, battle station
10:54and snip side at Morago.
10:55Let's move out.
10:58Okay, come on, come on.
10:59Let's go.
11:00Come on, Hatfield, you two.
11:05We need every man we can get.
11:07Move, will you?
11:07No!
11:09Told you, here I come.
11:11All right, boys.
11:13Okay, Chuck,
11:13Tinker should be in position by now.
11:15Now, are you sure
11:16that the men have nothing
11:17but blanks and their guns?
11:19Yeah, Skip, sure.
11:19Okay.
11:20All right, boys,
11:22go get them.
11:23Now, Mr. Parker's in command here.
11:25Okay, Chuck, take her over.
11:26Paul, stop!
11:27Those nips aren't gonna wait all day,
11:29you guys.
11:29Full speed ahead.
11:31Alfred, how was that, Skip?
11:33Well, fine,
11:34except you forgot to get on board.
11:36Hey, wait for me!
12:02All right, man.
12:09Spread out.
12:09Keep your eyes open.
12:10This is it.
12:11Keep down.
12:12Yeah, watch out for snipers.
12:15Hey, I think I saw a nip over there.
12:18I'm going after it.
12:19It's all yours, Harley.
12:21Yeah, Tinker's on the job.
12:23Everything's going to
12:23according to schedule.
12:24Yeah, we'll soon have
12:25old sideburns out of our hair.
12:29All right, who's using real pull-up?
12:30Come on, get out!
12:32Run for it.
12:35The nips are here.
12:35Real nips.
12:36You're kind of overdoing it, aren't you, Tank?
12:38There aren't any real nips.
12:42Any questions?
12:43All right, men, fire back.
12:46Hamlet!
12:47Hamlet!
12:48What are you doing?
12:48We're looting with blanks.
12:49Hey, we better run for it.
12:50Wait a minute.
12:51Leave Hatfield here?
12:52What am I going to do with blanks?
12:53Look, we'll come back and get it.
12:54We've got to get help.
12:55Oh, wait a minute, Ben.
12:56I'm in command here.
12:57I'll make that decision.
12:59I just made a decision.
13:00We've got to get help.
13:02Captain Binghamton.
13:07Oh, Admiral Steinholtz.
13:09How are you, sir?
13:10How's the boy?
13:12Oh, I'm all right.
13:14Not you.
13:15Harley Hatfield.
13:18Harley Hatfield?
13:18That goon?
13:20Goon?
13:21Have you lost your mind?
13:24Well, Hatfield is the pride of the Navy Department.
13:26He's sold over a million dollars worth of war bombs.
13:28He's a VIP, you know.
13:31Oh, he's a VIP.
13:33Well, I must admit, Admiral, he's one of the nicest goons I ever met.
13:38Yeah, well, if you like your job, you hear this.
13:42I want you to have Hatfield put on a show down there tonight.
13:44I'll be there to pin on his ribbons and give him a special citation from the Navy Department.
13:51Yes, sir.
13:51I'll give him the order, sir.
13:54Don't you dare order him.
13:57You ask him.
13:57And nicely.
13:59Nicely.
14:00Yes, sir.
14:01Nicely.
14:03Goodbye, sir.
14:03You mean you actually left Hatfield on Moraga with all those nips?
14:14Skip, they had real bullets.
14:16All we had were blanks.
14:17Yeah, Mr. Parker's right, Skip.
14:18Oh, what a snafu.
14:21Well, all right.
14:21Come on, let's move.
14:22We got to load up with the real McCoy and bring him back here.
14:25Come on, let's go.
14:30Hey, Skip.
14:31Binghamton wants to talk to you.
14:33He wouldn't pick a time like this.
14:36Let me have it.
14:38McCoy speaking, sir.
14:40How is my boy Harley Hatfield doing?
14:42Hatfield?
14:43Oh, he's just fine, sir.
14:45Yes, sir.
14:45Just fine.
14:46Now, I don't want you to put Hatfield on any detail that might tire him.
14:51He's going to put on a show over here tonight at 1900.
14:55A show?
14:57Tonight?
14:58Yes, a show tonight.
15:00Admiral Steinholtz is going to decorate him.
15:02Yes, sir.
15:03Yes, sir.
15:04I'll tell Hatfield.
15:05Yes, sir.
15:07Now, do you mind, sir?
15:08I do mind.
15:09And put him on the phone.
15:10I'll tell him myself.
15:11He's just taking a nap.
15:13Yes, sir.
15:13Just a nap.
15:14Yeah.
15:14And I'm sure you wouldn't want me to wake him up just to tell him there's going to be a show.
15:19Oh, no, no, no.
15:20Take a nap?
15:21Isn't that cute?
15:23I will make sure he's covered, McHale.
15:24And have him over here tonight, 1900 on the dock.
15:28Yes, sir.
15:29Yes, sir.
15:30What a mess.
15:31Oh, what are we going to do, sir?
15:33Well, how could Hatfield put on a show if he's a prisoner?
15:35Maybe even dead.
15:36Oh, no, no.
15:37Don't say it.
15:38We've got to think positive.
15:39Boys, we've got to bring him back.
15:41Right, Skip.
15:42Let's move out.
15:43No, no, no.
15:44No, wait a minute.
15:45No, not you, Chuck.
15:46No, you stay here.
15:47And look, if we're not back for the show by 1900, stall him.
15:54I don't care what you do, just stall him.
15:56Come on, boys.
15:57Let's move out.
15:58Oh, hip singers.
16:00Whatever happened to Crosby?
16:10What's going on here, Binghamton?
16:11This show should have started an hour ago.
16:13I don't know, Admiral.
16:14I'm just as anxious to have it get started as you are, sir.
16:16I've never seen Harley Hatfield perform.
16:18Well, neither have I, so come on.
16:20Let's get going.
16:21Yes, sir, Admiral.
16:22I'll check and see what's holding you.
16:23Go on, go on.
16:24You look lovely up here, Mr. Parker.
16:26We'll never get away with it.
16:28This is desperation time.
16:29The skipper set the stall, and they're not going to sit still much longer.
16:33Yeah, but me as Harley Hatfield, that's ridiculous.
16:35Will you stop worrying?
16:36And this outfit almost looked like him.
16:38Boy, I wish I'd have gone with a skip.
16:39At least they ought to have had a chance to get killed.
16:41You relax.
16:42You mouth his words.
16:43I'll play his records.
16:44And Captain Binghamton?
16:46Harley, I hate to disturb you right now, but the Admiral's getting it.
16:51Parker.
16:52Howdy, sir.
16:54Don't show howdy, sir.
16:55Me.
16:56Where is Hatfield?
16:57What are you doing in that get-up?
16:58Well, well, you see...
16:59Go stop that.
17:00Out with it.
17:01I want the truth.
17:02Now, where is he?
17:02Where, where, where, where?
17:04Well, you see, he's in the hands of the enemy.
17:07The enemy?
17:08You mean the army's got him?
17:09The Japanese army.
17:12Oh, the Japanese, oh, well, that's...
17:14The Japanese army.
17:17I won't believe that.
17:18I refuse to believe that.
17:20Well, you're not trying, sir.
17:22I'm not trying.
17:23I'd like to...
17:24Sir, no violence.
17:25I think our only chance is to let Mr. Parker go out and storm until the skipper gets back with Hatfield.
17:30And deceive Admiral Steinholtz?
17:33Are you mad?
17:34Well, I guess the only thing left to do, then, is tell Admiral Steinholtz the truth.
17:38You know, how you railroaded Hatfield onto us.
17:41I, I, the show must go on.
17:44Yes, I can see you, boys.
17:45But if anything goes wrong, I'll have you both boiled in oil before I'm shipped out.
18:00Well, hi, you all.
18:11For my first number, I'd like to...
18:13To...
18:13To play one of my favorites and yours.
18:18P-Pist...
18:19Pistol-poking mama.
18:22Uh, tackle-picking mama.
18:24You know what I mean.
18:26Drinking beer in the cabaret, and was I having fun.
18:35Till one night you caught me right.
18:39Oh, lay the man down with that Mr. Lennon.
18:44He looks a lot fatter, I expected.
18:46Shorter, too.
18:48Oh, well, he's probably not wearing his elevator shoes and his girdle.
18:53Well, you know how these stars are.
18:55I was dead.
18:57Oh, lay that pistol down, baby.
19:00Put that pistol down.
19:02I'm pistol-packing mama.
19:05Lay that pistol down.
19:13Put it down.
19:15Bravo, Harrison.
19:16We dig you the most.
19:19If I didn't know you were such good fans of mine,
19:21I wouldn't try to take a shot at y'all.
19:23Can you sing Rob Me or Rive Me or Let Me Be wrongly?
19:29I don't think I know that one.
19:32What about Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?
19:35Is you is or is you ain't my baby?
19:40Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
19:50But it seems my flame in your heart's done gone out.
19:54Well, he seems to lose a lot when you see him in person.
19:58Oh, well, I thought that was wonderful, Admiral.
20:01Well, you know, that's quite a trick, imitating a broken record.
20:04So, it's very...
20:06Isn't he great, man?
20:08Huh?
20:08Great, great, great.
20:10Just win your show.
20:13Great, isn't he, man?
20:14Great, great, great.
20:15Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?
20:21Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.
20:23I don't believe it.
20:24Look at him go.
20:25Well, he's got him right in the palm of his hand.
20:27We were worried about him.
20:29Preferably use him to sell Japanese war bonds.
20:32What do we have anything to do with it?
20:33His baby's still my baby true
20:37Ah, Sticky, Sticky!
20:42Oh, no more holly, son.
20:43My men and I very much like to have your autograph.
20:47Sure enough. Gather round, boys.
20:50Hey, now's our chance, boys. Let's go get him.
20:52Help!
20:54All right, all right. Get him up here, boys.
20:56By golly, you've had it.
20:57Come on, get him down there.
20:58Hey, take it easy, McHale.
20:59He's president of my Tokyo fan club.
21:01Oh, the fan club to you.
21:03Now, come on, get moving.
21:04You've got to do a show for our side tonight.
21:06Let's go. Come on.
21:07Help! Help!
21:08Come on, let's go.
21:11Hey, business is getting good.
21:17Now, for my next number, I'm going to sing
21:20Pistol Packin' Mama.
21:25Pistol Packin' Mama?
21:26Two hours of this is all I can stand.
21:29I'm going up there and giving me a citation.
21:31Uh, just a minute there, Hatfield.
21:35Just a minute.
21:38That was a...
21:38That was a fine show, young man, a fine show.
21:42On behalf of the United States Navy,
21:46I at this time would like to thank you
21:48and shake your hand.
21:53What are you doing?
21:57I better get going.
21:57All right, believe it.
21:58Both of you now, a titan.
22:02All right, you.
22:03All right.
22:05All right, go ahead.
22:06Start talking.
22:06You're not Hatfield.
22:07Who are you?
22:08Go on, speak.
22:08Speak, speak.
22:09Speak, speak.
22:10I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I.
22:11Anson Parker, sir.
22:12Anson Parker?
22:12You know me.
22:13What goes on here?
22:15I was hoping not to have to tell you this, Admiral,
22:17but did you, there's a very simple explanation.
22:20Well, I would certainly love to hear it.
22:22So would I.
22:23Shut up.
22:23Way that pistol down, boys.
22:27Way that pistol down.
22:29Let's go back and buy.
22:32Way that pistol down.
22:34Way that pistol down, boys.
22:37Play that pistol down.
22:39It's a разделing weapon.
22:41Way that pistol down.
22:43Yes, sir. We just captured the Japanese patrol on Moraga Island that was spying on our ship, sir.
22:50Oh, yeah, yeah, sir. Congratulations, McHale. You all right, Harley?
22:55Admiral, you're looking at the man that actually deserves all the credit.
23:00We couldn't have captured them if it hadn't been for Harley Hetfield. Yes, sir.
23:09That's right. They almost passed out just listening to me sing.
23:13I understand that already. Congratulations, my boy.
23:16Congratulations, Harley. You showed raw courage.
23:19What about me getting up here like this? Took a lot.
23:21All right, men. Let's hear it now for Harley Hetfield. Hip, hip, hooray!
23:27Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
23:34Thank you. Thank you.
23:36And now that I see myself some action, I really feel like singing.
23:39I'm going to entertain you all to the wee hours of the morning.
23:41Oh, no, no, no, no, my boy.
23:44Oh, you've done enough for your country for one day.
23:46But you've been listening to him imitate me.
23:48Now you're going to hear the real thing.
23:50Mr. Parker, let's go get me in my singing clothes.
23:54I hope you didn't stretch him none.
23:56Oh, that's not where you have to worry.
23:57All right, McHale, take the prisoners to the compound.
24:03No, no, you don't, McHale.
24:06If I've got to stay here and listen to him, then they're staying, too.
24:10All right.
24:12Prisoners, front and center.
24:14It's showtime.
24:15What do you think?
24:33What you think?
24:34What you think?
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