- 2 days ago
A director comes to Taratupa to film PT boats, and McHale's crew schemes to be in the film, but must re-shoot when Fuji sneaks in.
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00:00Welcome back, Yankees.
00:24Hey, food, did you put up that sign?
00:26According to Geneva Convention, prisoners only have to give name, rank, and serial number.
00:31Right, Ensign Parker-san?
00:33Right. Oh, yeah, Fooj, but I mean, you're not really a prisoner around here.
00:37Ah, so? You at party, Fuji here. You at USO, Fuji here.
00:42And you at hot dance, Fuji at hot stove.
00:45Ah, now, wait a minute, Fooj. You know, you gotta stay in hiding.
00:49If anybody spotted you, why you'd spend the rest of the war in a PW stockade?
00:53Well, right now, this a PW stockade, to me...
00:56I'll get it, Skip.
00:59PW stockade.
01:01Uh...
01:02Yeah, dance partner.
01:03Yeah, yes, Captain Binghamton.
01:05Yes, sir.
01:06Yes, sir, I'll get on it right away. Yes, sir.
01:08Right.
01:09What do you want, Chuck?
01:10Routine assignment. Build an airstrip.
01:11What?!
01:12Yeah.
01:13And he said we're restricted, the basehold's completed.
01:16Build an airstrip in all that jungle? Are you sure you heard right?
01:19Well, yeah, loud and clear, Skip.
01:21Seven guys build an airstrip?
01:23On this muddle?
01:24Well, that sounds crazy, even for Binghamton.
01:27All right, all right, wait a minute, hold the pipe down, will ya?
01:31As soon as I can get in a uniform, I'll go over to the main side and get to the bottom of this.
01:34So take it easy, will ya? I'll see ya.
01:36All right.
01:37All right, you guys, come on, we're giving an order, so let's grab these tools. Come on.
01:40You're too, Fuji.
01:41Not me. Gotta get back the hot stove.
01:44Poor time help. Come on, Mr. Parker, let's move it.
01:47All right, I'll take the sledgehammer.
01:49Are you sure you can handle it, Mr. Parker?
01:51I'm an old sledgehammer you're talking about.
01:57Watch that first step!
02:06The Sledgehammer!
02:16The Sledgehammer!
02:21Her bad job!
02:22Hark, hark, what light a-through yonder window breaks.
02:52It is the moon.
02:54Captain Binghamton.
02:55Captain.
02:56Oh, Carpenter.
02:58What is it, Carpenter?
03:00What do you want?
03:01I'm just checking this light to see.
03:03What's wrong with it, sir?
03:05What's wrong with the light?
03:06Well, it's broken.
03:08Don't you see that?
03:09What do you want?
03:10What is it?
03:10Well, I just received this message, sir.
03:13John Burton and his cameraman will arrive at 1400 this afternoon, sir.
03:16Oh, Burton?
03:17Burton?
03:17John?
03:18Burton?
03:19Yes, sir.
03:20You know, the Hollywood director who's coming here to make that documentary film about
03:23P.T. boats.
03:24Yes.
03:24Oh, that completely slipped my mind.
03:27Aren't you thrilled, sir?
03:29What do I look like?
03:30A movie-struck idiot?
03:31Oh, no, sir.
03:32Never, sir.
03:33But Mr. Burton has won four Academy Awards, sir.
03:35Five.
03:36Five.
03:37Yes.
03:37And if everything goes smoothly, he could win another one right here, which reminds me,
03:42what about McHale and his men?
03:43Oh, they're working, sir.
03:45And if I may say so, sir, dreaming up that airstrip assignment to keep them out of sight
03:48during the filming.
03:49Oh, that was a good idea, sir.
03:50Good idea.
03:51It was a stroke of genius.
03:52Genius.
03:53Mr. Burton would ever use those cutthroats in his film ought to be a bigger disaster than
03:57Pearl Harbor.
03:59Captain Bimpton.
04:00Okay, what are you doing here?
04:01You're supposed to be a restrictor to your island.
04:03I had to talk to you, sir.
04:04I don't know what you had in mind when you ordered seven men with picks and shovels to
04:08build an airstrip.
04:09But it's certainly not a good idea, sir.
04:11Not a good idea.
04:12Anyway, it was a stroke of genius.
04:13If John Burton were ever to pick any of your pirates to be in the documentary film, then
04:17I'm trying to tell him so.
04:19Documentary film?
04:21Aha.
04:22So that's it, eh, sir?
04:23Oh, blabbermouth, you.
04:25All right, McHale, I'll give it to you straight.
04:27John Burton is going to do a film here, and that's why I restrict you and your men to your
04:31island, because as far as I'm concerned, you've got the biggest bunch of foul-ups and
04:36deadbeats in naval history.
04:37Captain, you've got no right to talk like that.
04:40No right at all.
04:41I've got every right to talk like that, Lieutenant Commander.
04:44Now you get back to your island.
04:45Out, out, out, out, out.
04:53Oh, you certainly told him, sir.
04:55Certainly did.
04:56Just hope I didn't strain my speaking voice.
05:02Spray, Elroy, spray.
05:03Thank you, sir.
05:04Me, Elroy.
05:05Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
05:06I forgot.
05:07Hey, Skip, are we going to take this lion down?
05:11Well, I don't know what we can do.
05:13Well, sure, I'll go along and say the Binghamton's out of line, but he did give us a direct order,
05:17didn't he?
05:18But it's not fair for him to restrict us.
05:20He's just afraid that we're going to steal the picture.
05:22Skip, if that director ever saw us in action, he'd snap us up in a second.
05:26Right, boy?
05:26Yeah, right.
05:27Sure, great.
05:28How's he going to see us in action if we're...
05:31If we're...
05:33We're in business.
05:36Verge, you monkey who caught the brass ring again.
05:39What do you do, Skip?
05:40Ah, John Burton is going to see us in action.
05:43Yeah?
05:44Yes, sir.
05:44Binghamton wants to get tricky.
05:46So can we.
05:47So can we.
05:50I'm sorry I was delayed, sir.
05:53Yeah, just in time, Carpenter.
05:54Here comes Mr. Burton now.
05:56Oh, yes, sir.
05:57Oh, I do hope you get to play the commanding officer in the picture, sir.
06:03Binghamton, that mustache.
06:05In case he thinks I'm too young for the part.
06:14Hi, I'm Mr. Burton.
06:15I'm Captain Binghamton, sir.
06:17Welcome to Tarotuba, Mr. Burton.
06:19It's the fighting as PT base.
06:20Hiya, Captain.
06:21Smitty, will you see that they get all this camera gear on shore?
06:23And tell him to be careful of the fishing tackle.
06:26Mr. Burton, as the commanding officer here, I'm very happy to be able to offer you all of our facilities.
06:32Thanks, Bungleman.
06:33As a matter of fact, I was going to...
06:34That's Binghamton, the B-I-N-G...
06:37I'll take your word for it.
06:39Now, I want to get started as soon as possible.
06:41So I want to pick the people that I'm going to use in the picture.
06:43That's where you come in.
06:44Yes, of course, of course, that's right.
06:47Now, I'll need a PT boat and crew.
06:49We have several PT boats and crews available, sir.
06:52Cut, cut, cut.
06:53Pardon, sir?
06:54That's show business talk for shut up.
06:58That's right.
07:00As a matter of fact, we have no PT boat crews available at all.
07:04However, I think that I can put enough men together under my command to satisfy your needs.
07:09Oh, fine, Binghammer.
07:11The job's yours.
07:12That's Binghamton.
07:12Uh, Smitty, will you check out this camera gear as soon as possible?
07:16As soon as I finish this picture, I've got a date with a marlin.
07:21What's that?
07:22Oh, that's just an air raid, Mr. Burton.
07:24Now, I think that this picture's...
07:26An air raid?
07:28Hold on, Sidney.
07:28A man coming out of the sand.
07:33Let him have it.
07:44Keep down, Captain.
07:45It's a sneak attack.
07:46Wait.
07:46Hey, Captain.
07:47You got a caterpillar on your lip.
07:50Oh, you old netwet.
07:51Don't you know a mustache when you see what?
07:53Keep down, mister.
07:55Say, you look just like John Burton, a movie director.
07:58I am.
08:00No wonder the nips attacked.
08:01Boy, what a feather in their cap to knock off a guy who directed Fanny of Blueberry Hill.
08:07Now, don't worry, Mr. Burton.
08:08We'll protect you.
08:09Oh, ow!
08:19Verge!
08:20Verge!
08:21Are you hit?
08:22Yeah, Christie.
08:24But it's only a flesh wound.
08:27I'll be all right.
08:28Somehow.
08:32Okay, you nips.
08:33You asked for it.
08:37That's for Joe.
08:39And that's for Larry.
08:41Any requests?
08:42Let me out.
08:43I keep him down.
08:44And there's a zero coming in at three o'clock.
08:46I don't see any plane at three o'clock.
08:48You're looking in the wrong place, sir.
08:50Their nips are on daylight savings time.
08:51Oh, hold it.
08:57Cease fire, man.
08:58We've got him on the run.
09:00Hey, hey.
09:00Cease fire.
09:01Well done, man.
09:02Bye.
09:05Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Burton, but it's the war, you know.
09:08Too bad you didn't have your cameras ready.
09:10Yes, I missed quite a performance.
09:12Yes, sir.
09:13All right, McHale, you've really gone and done it this time.
09:16Done what, sir?
09:17Well, we'll skip the penny ante stuff like disobeying orders and breaking restriction.
09:21We'll get right to the big money, faking an air raid.
09:24Well, wait a minute, sir.
09:25Did I put in a word here, Bingleton?
09:27That's Binghamton.
09:29And as soon as I settle McHale's hash, Mr. Burton, I'll be ready to start filming.
09:32What I wanted to say was that I won't be needing you for the picture.
09:36Yes, sir.
09:36Thank you very much.
09:37And I...
09:38You won't be needing me?
09:41I'm going to use Commander McHale and his crew.
09:43Oh, well, thank you, sir.
09:45Oh, well, you're not going to fall for that fraudulent air raid.
09:48I mean, I didn't see any...
09:49Did you see any planes?
09:51No, but I saw a lot of imagination.
09:54With an inventive bunch like that, we should be able to finish the picture in no time.
10:04Would you stop waving at me, you pea-brain?
10:08Mr. Burton, surely you're not going to fall for a dishonest trick like that.
10:11I mean, with all your experience, you can tell when some movie struck,
10:14Eggball has got a horse's way into your picture.
10:17I certainly can.
10:19Now, about your mustache.
10:23Okay, McHale, we start filming tomorrow.
10:25Yes, sir.
10:40All right, men.
10:41Everybody up.
10:42What are you doing?
10:43Let's go, men.
10:44We've got a picture to make.
10:45Mr. Burton, it's the middle of the night.
10:47It is exactly 4.39 a.m.
10:49The cameras roll at 5.
10:51Well, what's going on here?
10:51Oh, there, McHale.
10:53I'll be needing your hunt to process film in for the next few days,
10:56so we'll get your stuff out, okay?
10:58Attaboy.
10:58Hey, man, Mr. Burton.
10:59Yep.
11:00Why so early?
11:02We've got a rugged schedule,
11:03and I'm going to make a great film
11:04if I have to work you boys 24 hours a day.
11:0724 hours?
11:09You are going to change, I hope.
11:12My orders from the Pentagon are no cheesecake.
11:15Let's go.
11:15Camera rolls in 20 minutes.
11:17All right, 20 minutes.
11:19All right, all right.
11:22Come on, you star-struck bunch of gorillas.
11:24You wanted to be in pictures?
11:25Sorry, now you're in pictures.
11:27Let's go.
11:28Gee, I thought my knees were kind of cute.
11:32All right, who swiped my comb?
11:34Hey, has anybody seen the shoe polish?
11:35Hey, Grover, will you let me at that mirror, please?
11:38Back to you, peasants for a star.
11:40Hey, stop it, stop it, will you, Grover?
11:41I can't do a thing with my hair.
11:43All right, you glamour girls.
11:44Let's get out.
11:45Come on, on the move.
11:46Come on, come on, come on.
11:46Let's go.
11:47Come on, Christy.
11:47Come on, half.
11:48Come on, big group.
11:50Come on, boys.
11:51You two.
11:52Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
11:54Fooj, where you going?
11:55Going to be movie star.
11:57Wait a minute, boy.
11:58Hey, you know all the big brass is going to see this picture.
12:01Do you know what will happen to you if you're discovered?
12:03Sure.
12:04I go to Hollywood, just like Shari Yamaguchi.
12:07You go into the stockade for the duration of the war.
12:10You mean I can't be in picture?
12:13Sorry, Fooj.
12:14Not even in foreign version?
12:16No, samurai.
12:17You get out of those clothes and just get out of sight.
12:20Go on up to the cave and just eat, sleep, rest.
12:23Take a nice long vacation till the whole picture's over, okay?
12:27I think I'll write to Geneva.
12:29This is a heck of a way to treat PW.
12:30All right, men, for this opening shot, you've just gotten a submarine alert and you're going
12:42to scramble.
12:43And I mean really scramble.
12:45Okay, McHale?
12:45Right, Mr.
12:46All right, let's go.
12:46Let's go, boys.
12:47Benny, you ready?
12:48Roll them.
12:52Action!
12:53Let's go, McHale!
12:54Cut, cut!
13:05Oh, that's no good, McHale.
13:07It's too slow.
13:08You guys look as if you're headed for a sick call.
13:11Come on, let's go back and do it again.
13:13Come on, boys, let's go.
13:14Come on, boys.
13:44What in the blazes?
14:03Keep crawling!
14:05Move!
14:06Move!
14:07I want this to look like the real thing!
14:11They act like the real thing.
14:14Hey, they are real bullets.
14:19He's Burton.
14:19Real bullets!
14:20Hey, you guys, get down.
14:22Don't anybody stand up.
14:22You'll probably get killed.
14:23I'm the dirt.
14:24I can learn to follow orders.
14:27Parker!
14:28Hey, get down.
14:29That nutty director's...
14:30Oh, I'm sorry.
14:31I didn't know you were the nutty director.
14:32Parker, why did you stand up?
14:34Now I've got to shoot the whole scene over again.
14:35Oh, no, we won't.
14:37I'm sorry, Mr. Burton, but using real bullets is sure just going a little bit too far.
14:41Listen, McHale, when it comes to realism, I never compromise.
14:45You know why Blueberry Hill won the Academy Award?
14:48Real blueberries?
14:49Enemy aircraft at 2 o'clock.
14:53Mr. Burton, you want realism, you're going to get it.
14:56Oh, thank goodness.
14:57Boy, we sure need the rest.
14:59Battle stations.
15:00Come on, everybody.
15:01Let's go.
15:02What am I going to do when it rains?
15:04All right, boys, battle stations.
15:06Let's go.
15:06Let's go.
15:07Let's go.
15:09Let's see now if this Hollywood phone needs as good as his press clippings.
15:14What's that, sir?
15:15Oh, they're just staging a fake battle.
15:17Oh, it sounds awfully real to me, sir.
15:19How do you know?
15:20You don't even know what cut means.
15:21But, sir.
15:35There's another one at 11 o'clock.
15:37Come on.
15:40Keep firing, McHale.
15:43Five Academy Awards,
15:45and the man doesn't even know how to stage a simple battle scene.
15:49I knew he was an incompetent when he picked McHale over me.
15:54Sir, it's a Nip Zero.
15:56Nip Zero?
15:58Do you know an American plane,
15:59when it's painted over to look like a Nip Zero?
16:01It's a pretty sloppy job, too.
16:06There's a bomb.
16:09You firecrackers stuck in the ground.
16:12It's a pretty sloppy job, too.
16:14Hollywood know-how.
16:15Come on, boys!
16:19You got him!
16:20Oh, we got him!
16:22We got that skidding!
16:24Hey, Mr. Burton!
16:26Hey, Mr. Burton!
16:27Was that real enough for you?
16:29Just great, McHale.
16:31A real enemy Zero being shot down in a real bombing attack.
16:35What a finish for my picture.
16:37Did you hear that, sir?
16:38It was a real attack!
16:40Oh, yes, of course, Carpenter.
16:42I knew it all the time.
16:44Well, then why did you keep telling me it was a fake, sir?
16:47Very simple, boy.
16:48I didn't want you to panic.
16:49Oh.
16:51Oh, sir!
16:52Sir!
16:52Oh, my goodness.
16:55Well, McHale, that wraps it up.
16:56Everything's in the can.
16:58Thanks again for your cooperation.
16:59You did a fine job.
17:01Oh, well, thanks, Mr. Burton.
17:02Well, I can't say we're sorry it's over.
17:04Smitty, get that last real process as soon as you can.
17:07We're taking off after that marlin in the morning.
17:09Right, sir.
17:10Thanks again, man.
17:11Now I'll be off.
17:13After a rough filming like that, I need a rest.
17:17You hear that, guys?
17:18He needs a rest.
17:19Now I know why them Hollywood movie stars quit acting and volunteer for frontline fighting.
17:24They're cowards.
17:26I shower in a hot meal in a couple of days of war, and we'll forget it ever happened.
17:31Yeah, a hot meal sounds great.
17:32Hey, one of you guys better go up after Fuji in the cave, huh?
17:36Don't bother, Skipper-san.
17:39Hey.
17:41What are you doing in that get-up?
17:43All you other actors wear this get-up for last scene, so I wear it.
17:48Fuji, are you trying to say that you sneaked into the last scene of the picture?
17:52Ah, so?
17:53And not only last scene, I sneak into lots of scenes.
17:57You what?
17:59Pretty sneaky, huh?
18:00Fuji, do you realize what you've done?
18:03What?
18:03I'm just trying to break into pictures.
18:06Do you realize that when the big brass runs this film on a big screen, that you'll be spotted in a minute?
18:11Then they'll just lock us up and throw away the key.
18:15Mama mia.
18:16Skip, that cameraman is processing the film right now.
18:20Boy, we got problems.
18:22Well, we'll just have to wait until Smitty goes off fishing with Bert, and then, well, see if we can cut Fuji out of the film.
18:27Yep.
18:28That's me.
18:29Always end up on cutting room floor.
18:31Well, that wraps it up, boys.
18:35See you at the screening tonight.
18:37Okay.
18:37Wish me luck.
18:38So long.
18:40Cut it.
18:46Hey, look at the junk they got in here, huh?
18:50Let's try to find the scenes that Fuji's in.
18:56Hey, this is it.
18:57Hold it up to the light.
18:58What a mess.
19:10All right, look, bring it all over here.
19:12Easy now, and just put it right around this thing.
19:14But the whole thing is ruined.
19:20Well, at least we don't have to rewind it, Skip.
19:23What do I do now, Skip?
19:24Well, why ask me?
19:25I don't know.
19:26All I know is we've got to come up with a film by tonight.
19:28You don't mean we start this all over again.
19:30What else?
19:31It's worth a try, Skip.
19:32Yeah.
19:33We have no other choice.
19:34Okay, then we're wasting time.
19:36Grab the equipment, boys.
19:37Let's go.
19:38Hey, Booch, you know how to operate that camera?
19:40Of course, Skip Fasan.
19:42I Japanese, remember?
19:43How can I forget?
19:45You got us into this mess.
19:46Come on, let's get going.
19:47Come on, boys, move.
19:49Action camera.
19:50Roll them.
19:51We're making pictures.
19:52Gee, I love that kind of talk.
19:59Hiya, Chuck.
20:00Hey, you are, sweetie.
20:01Sorry for the delay, Admiral, but you see, he had a little bit of engine trouble, didn't you, Chuck?
20:06I know.
20:07How's it look?
20:08I don't know, Skip.
20:09We didn't have time to look at it.
20:10Barely had time to slap it together.
20:14Okay, ready to go, sir.
20:15I hope this is good.
20:17Good?
20:18It's a John Burton production.
20:20It's going to be great.
20:21Roll it, Smitty.
20:22Try it, O'Chief.
20:23What Llewellyn's name is all that, Smitty?
20:45I don't know.
20:46Search me, Chief.
20:47Why, this is indiscreet.
20:48Quiet.
20:49I don't want to hear another word until this film is over.
20:53I don't want to hear another word until this film is over.
21:23Okay.
21:24I don't want to hear another word until this film is over.
23:26Well done, McHale.
23:29Thank you, sir.
23:31And you, too, Burton.
23:33Yeah, really glad someone around here showed some real judgment.
23:35Come along with me to the jeep.
23:38I'll tell you about the last Marlon I caught.
23:40I was always kidding, Admiral.
23:41Yes, I know it was funny, Admiral.
23:43Admiral, I know it was funny, Admiral.
23:45I was laughing.
23:46I laughed.
23:47Don't get mad, Cap.
23:48Maybe he can be in our next picture.
23:50We got one.
23:50I'll tell him.
23:51No, no, no.
23:52No, Cap.
23:53Oh, no, Captain.
23:56Captain.
23:56You don't want to hurt one of my running starlets.
23:58Oh, no, no.
23:59Ah!
24:02Come on.
24:04Bye-bye, Captain.
24:04Bye.
24:05And so this citation is presented to the commander and crew of P.T. Boat 73 for their part in
24:12creating an outstanding training film.
24:14Boy, that's just like an Academy Award.
24:16Hollywood, here we come after all.
24:18We're stars.
24:19Who wants my autograph?
24:20Who needs it?
24:21Not get off, you weight balls.
24:23We're through at the movie business.
24:25From now on, we're supposed to be fighting a war, remember?
24:28So there's no more of this Hollywood nonsense.
24:30And besides, where's Fuji with the breakfast?
24:33Fuji!
24:39You rang, sir?
24:41Get out!
25:00You rang, sir?
25:15All this tonight is a very short music show.
25:17It's pretty good.
25:19Whoa.
25:20Come on, let's try it.
25:24All this крас3 for the red flag sugar borers are taken.
25:28Now, if you wanted to jump in place where you ketchup up.
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