- 5 hours ago
The crew and geisha Binghamton (Joe Flynn) pose as a traveling kabuki company to steal gasoline. With Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Captain Bingham, please, sir.
00:08Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
00:09Why do you have to interrupt me, you birdbrain,
00:11just when I got McHale zeroed in?
00:12It's Admiral Reynolds, sir.
00:13It's very important he's on the scrambled phone.
00:15Admiral Reynolds, why don't you say so?
00:16Hold me.
00:16What's the matter?
00:18Oh, it hurts, sir.
00:18Oh, be brave, man.
00:19You're a sailor.
00:21Yes, Admiral, yes, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, sir,
00:23but you caught me right in the middle of a weapons drill.
00:29What can I do for you, sir?
00:30Just a reminder about the logistics conference, Binghamton.
00:33We convene Saturday at 0800,
00:35so give yourself plenty of time to get here.
00:37Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
00:38I've been looking forward to the conference for weeks, Admiral.
00:40I'll be there bright and early.
00:44What's that?
00:45Binghamton, are you holding a band concert at this time of day?
00:49A band?
00:49No, we don't have any.
00:52The enemy must be jamming our frequency, Admiral.
00:55I'll call you back, sir.
00:56Yes, sir.
00:57What's going on out there?
00:58What?
00:58What?
00:58What?
00:59Oh, sure.
01:00Look out there.
01:08What in the name of Nimitz is that?
01:11Coming Friday, the PT-73 follies?
01:15Kale's dreamed up another way to sabotage the war effort,
01:18but he won't get away with it.
01:20Be brave, sir.
01:21Let's go with him.
01:22Let's go with him.
01:23Let's go with me.
01:23Come on, Ma.
01:24What?
01:24Come on, ma.
01:25Get out, ma.
01:27Come on.
01:27Come on.
01:30Come on.
01:30I'll let you do it.
01:31Come on.
01:31Come on.
01:32There we go.
01:33Come on.
01:35Come on.
01:35Come on.
01:41Play with me.
01:43меня.
01:44All right.
01:45Come on.
01:45All right.
01:47Fuckin'
01:51Dime in the meadow
02:09When the itty bitty pool swam
02:11Three little fishies and a mama fishy, too
02:13Swim, said the mama fishy
02:15Swim, if you can
02:16And they swam, and they swam all over thee, dear.
02:35This record's headed. You guys are going to have to dream up another song.
02:40Who needs a record player when you've got real tell?
02:46Pipe down, you guys. Pipe down.
02:50Now I'm going to take over, say, and I'm going to run this whole show.
02:53Nobody's going to stop me. See, yeah, because I'm the guy around here.
02:56If anyone tries to stop me, I go, yeah.
02:58You don't have to get sore about it, Tink. I mean, you know.
03:01I ain't sore, Mr. Parker. That's my imitation of Edward G. Robinson.
03:03I do about 50 more. Guess who this is?
03:07Mr. Christian. Mr. Christian, come here. I'll have your lash to the mast.
03:12Who is it, Betty Grable?
03:13There you go.
03:14I went out with a bun and shoot. Come on, guys.
03:20Parker, your worries are over.
03:21Look what I whipped up. A real, genuine, homemade gazika box.
03:24Oh, you didn't have to go to all that trouble.
03:26I mean, just a few card tricks would have done, you know.
03:28Card tricks? Why, that's strictly for the peasants.
03:31With this, I make a beautiful girl disappear.
03:33Here, Mr. Parker, step in the box.
03:35Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm not a beautiful girl.
03:36I'm an officer and a gentleman.
03:37Oh, so for the sake of the demonstration,
03:38we'll pretend you just got your commission in the waves, huh?
03:41Well, why don't you take one of the ladies?
03:42I mean...
03:43Easy.
03:46No.
03:46There, you coming?
03:48Toes in.
03:49Good.
03:50Same way, uh...
03:51Boge.
03:52Now, knife.
03:55Behold, a miracle.
03:58Yeah, the real...
03:58You'll never get one of those.
04:00What are you worried about, fellas?
04:02It's all entertaining.
04:03Boge, throw one on your side.
04:05Wait, go.
04:06Perfect.
04:09Hi, game.
04:10Hello, girls.
04:11Uh, where's the great Siegfeld?
04:13Uh, Mr. Parker?
04:13He's in the box.
04:15What is this thing, an instant suicide kick?
04:18Oh, relax, Skip.
04:19A few passes of the magic cape,
04:20and Mr. Parker is gone.
04:22Abracadabra?
04:23Abracadabra!
04:28Chap, are you all right?
04:31What are you trying to do?
04:32Get rid of my executive officer?
04:33I can explain it.
04:34This was too much abra, not enough cadabra.
04:36Yeah, abracadabra, but...
04:37The box.
04:38The box was too big.
04:39The answer was too small.
04:40The answer was too small.
04:41The box was too big.
04:44Well, little girl,
04:45let's back to the drawing boards.
04:48We're still stuck for an opening act, Skip.
04:51How about me?
04:52I can tell plenty funny Japanese jokes
04:54if Skip doesn't be my straight man.
04:56Okay, Uncle Miltie, go ahead.
05:01Oh, boy, this better be good.
05:07You guys, come on, Fuji, quick, get into the box.
05:10Ah, hello there, Captain.
05:17How are you, sir?
05:20All right, I give up.
05:22Is this a PT base,
05:24or is the Section 8 ward having their annual picnic?
05:27Oh, no, sir.
05:28We're perfectly normal.
05:29Straighten up there, girls.
05:31Well, sir, the men were just putting a show together,
05:34and, you know, for the men on the main base.
05:36You must have heard.
05:37Oh, yes, I heard all about it.
05:39Carpenter heard about it, too.
05:41The admirals heard about it.
05:42I imagine that even Emperor Hirohito
05:45has heard about it by now.
05:47Boy, our publicity campaign's really going over it.
05:49Oh, yes, I can keep out of this.
05:52You are bucking for seamen second class.
05:55I got a little bit of news for you, too, McHale.
05:57You're not putting on any show.
05:59I've just rung down the curtain.
06:01Oh, now, have a heart, Captain.
06:03The men are starved for entertainment.
06:04Well, there hasn't been a USO troop through here in months.
06:08And you know why?
06:09Because we are supposed to be conducting a war here,
06:12not auditioning for the next edition of the Ziegfeld Folly.
06:15Ha, Ziegfeld Folly!
06:17That's a good one, Captain.
06:20We can use that as our opening joke.
06:22Yes!
06:23Now, now, now, wait a minute, Captain.
06:25There's nothing wrong in the men putting together a show, is there,
06:28on their own time?
06:29Nothing wrong, huh?
06:30I'll tell you what's wrong.
06:32You're interfering with communications.
06:33You're disrupting normal routine procedures.
06:36You're misusing naval personnel and you're wasting government property.
06:40And what's in the box?
06:43Nothing, sir.
06:43It's just a magic prop I built.
06:45I guarantee it's absolutely empty.
06:46There's nothing in it.
06:47Nothing in the box.
06:48And in that case, you won't mind if I have a little look, will you?
06:50Oh, no need to look.
06:52See?
06:54Hey!
06:55That was just me.
06:58I'm practicing a ventriloquist act.
07:00Watch.
07:01Yikes!
07:01See, my lips didn't even move.
07:02It's not ventriloquist.
07:04You wouldn't even make a good dummy.
07:05There you are, sir.
07:15You see?
07:15We're as pure as the driven snow.
07:18There's been a lot of snow around here, and I'm going to put an end to the blizzard.
07:22There's going to be no show Friday night, and that's an order.
07:25Well, bye-bye, Captain.
07:27Bye-bye.
07:29Get out of here.
07:31Skip, the whole base was counting on us.
07:33Yeah, I know.
07:34And you want to know something?
07:35We're not going to let him down, either.
07:37Old Leadbottom gave us specific orders.
07:39Not to hold the show on Friday night, huh?
07:42But he didn't mention anything about Saturday.
07:45And on Saturday, he's going to be holding that conference at Comfleet, right?
07:50Yes.
07:51And when he won't know, won't hurt him.
07:53Right.
07:53Skip, that's a stroke of pure genius.
07:55Well, you're not so bad yourself, Groove, you know, making Fuji disappear in the nick of time.
08:01Fuji?
08:02Yipe!
08:05Hey.
08:06Hey, what were you doing?
08:07What happened?
08:07How'd you get back?
08:08Don't ask me.
08:09That's what you call chubis.
08:13Captain Binghamton, sir.
08:14The 68 boat is at the dock ready to go.
08:16Good, good, good.
08:18Hey, now, there's my tonnage reports, my logistic shocks,
08:22my toothbrush, oh.
08:25Gentlemen, take a memo.
08:27In my afternoon, Lieutenant Carpenter will be temporarily in charge.
08:30So, anyway, quick.
08:31What's going on here?
08:32What, what?
08:34Nothing, sir.
08:34We're just...
08:35I'll be the judge of what's going on here.
08:36What have you got behind your back?
08:38Nothing.
08:38What is that, you sneak?
08:40Let's see that.
08:42P.T. 73 Follies changes to Saturday.
08:46McHales Island, 20 hundred hours.
08:48Tell your friends and burn this.
08:51So those pirates refuse to take no for an answer, do they?
08:54They think they're going to put on their South Seas sideshow in spite of my orders, huh?
08:59But, sir, what about your conference?
09:00And the 68 boat is waiting.
09:01Patten your hatch.
09:02The 68 boat, I won't be needing them.
09:04Yes, sir.
09:05Put down the phone when I'm talking to you.
09:07South Seas Schuberts think they can cross Wally Binghamton and get away with it, huh?
09:12I'll show them.
09:18Joe sent me.
09:19But how about these souvenirs?
09:38How am I supposed to peddle these at double last year's prices?
09:41Simple.
09:42With every native trinket, you give them one of these.
09:45A genuine French postcard.
09:47Aha!
09:47So that's why you money-grubbing eight balls wanted to put on this show.
09:51So you can make a killing during intermission.
09:53But, Skip, no harm in just trying to make expenses.
09:56Yeah, yeah.
09:57And no jacking up the prices, either.
09:59And that phony French postcards.
10:01No.
10:02But, Skip, they ain't phony.
10:03Here, look for yourself.
10:05Yeah.
10:07A picture of General De Gaulle?
10:09Yes.
10:10We're going to live up to our advertising.
10:16Binghamton's coming.
10:16And I'm going.
10:19Hey, Skip.
10:21Hey, Binghamton's coming.
10:22Boy, if he finds out, we're putting on this show.
10:24Well, he's not going to find out.
10:26Come on, you guys.
10:26Cover this up.
10:27And let's get out of here.
10:28And remember, act natural.
10:30Or our next performance will be on a rock pot.
10:32Let's go.
10:32Oh, hello there, Captain.
10:38I want to bring you out here in these parts, sir.
10:40Yeah, we thought you'd be on the way to the conference by now.
10:42Yeah, Jeff.
10:42Well, I'm leaving in a few minutes.
10:44Oh, well.
10:44Happy sailing, sir.
10:45Yeah, bye-bye.
10:46So long.
10:47Bon voyage, all that.
10:48I intend to bon voyage because you men are going to take me.
10:52Yeah, we're taking you.
10:53We're taking you?
10:54We can't do that, sir.
10:56Oh, yes, you can.
10:57I'm going to kill two birds with one stone.
10:59I'm going to ride up to Comfleet on the 73.
11:01And at the same time, I'll make sure that your little peep show doesn't go on.
11:06Okay, Captain, so you got the goods on us.
11:10But have a heart.
11:11The boys have worked hard on this show.
11:12And the men over in the main base deserve some entertainment, sir.
11:15Yeah, and besides, the house is all sold out.
11:17It's S.R.O.
11:18Uh, that's standing room only.
11:19I know what S.R.O. is.
11:21And you men being the old troopers that you are, I'm sure you've heard that expression,
11:26the war must go on.
11:27How does it feel to be back in the Navy and out of show business, McHale?
11:38Oh, I'm really enjoying this trip.
11:40And at the rate we're going, we'll be up at Comfleet with hours to spare.
11:44Yes, sir.
11:45Look at Binghamton up there.
11:47That dirty rat, I'd like to give it to him like he'd give it to us.
11:53Not so much that he'd call off our show.
11:54What are you going to do with 500 pictures of General DeGolf?
11:58Condition red, condition red, an enemy plane.
12:00She's diving right out of it, Skip.
12:04Battle station, cowboys.
12:07There she is, 7 o'clock, Skip.
12:09No, wait a minute, no, he's about 1115.
12:11No, 1117, big hands up.
12:13Stop with the numbers, all right.
12:24Okay, cease fire, cease fire, he's running for it.
12:32Everybody okay back there?
12:35Everybody's fine, Skip.
12:36All right, let's get moving, McHale.
12:38We're losing time.
12:40That's not all we're losing.
12:41That nip hit our tanks, Doug.
12:43Got him.
12:43You're right, Skip.
12:44Boy, the fuel gauge is really going down fast.
12:4527, 26, 25.
12:47Here he goes with the numbers again.
12:49Will you stop that?
12:50How far away from a friendly base?
12:52Too far.
12:53We'll have to put in our nearest island and make repairs
12:56and see if we can get more gasoline.
12:58I don't know, Skip.
12:59Those are all Japanese held.
13:00Yeah, well, maybe we can fool him into honoring an American credit card, huh?
13:04I think I left mine in my wallet, Skip.
13:06I don't know if we can go back.
13:07Let's go, Keith.
13:08But if you say you can use it in your show,
13:11I'll strangle you, you bird brain.
13:17All right, men.
13:23Let's go find us some gasoline.
13:25But remember, keep your eyes open.
13:27Listen, dial in and just crawl in with nips.
13:29Come on, let's go.
13:30I'll leave soon.
13:45Hey, look.
13:47Jackpot, you guys.
13:50There's their fuel dump.
13:51Hey, the winner.
13:53Can't just barge in there, McHale.
13:55We'll have that whole island on our necks.
13:57Enemy truck.
13:59Hit the deck.
14:17Hey, what do you know?
14:34They got Kutloff's in their army, too.
14:40Hey, fellas.
14:42I think our transportation problems are just solved.
14:44Keep me covered, boys.
14:46Okay, guys, come on.
15:16Hey, nice going, Skip.
15:21Yeah, that's brilliant.
15:23What do I do now?
15:23Drive up to the nips and tell them to fill in with a high test?
15:26Well, I'd settle for regular, sir.
15:29Hey, Skip!
15:31Hey, get a load of this cargo.
15:33Yeah.
15:34Patashi Kabuki players, Osaka.
15:36Yeah, how about that?
15:37Hey, we must have hijacked a bunch of nip minstrels.
15:39Look at all this stuff.
15:40Wigs, makeup.
15:41It's even got magic props.
15:43Must be a Japanese USO show on the island.
15:45Uh-huh, show business again.
15:46No wonder they're losing the war.
15:48Ah, no, just a minute, sir.
15:49Boys, let's get this truck right in the bushes.
15:52Tie up that driver.
15:53Captain, I know you're against show business,
15:55but I feel that this is going to be our ticket right into that fuel dump.
15:58Come on, boys.
15:59Let's get going.
16:00I got an idea.
16:00All right, come on, you guys.
16:10Get out here.
16:10Let's take a look at you.
16:12Hustle, Skip.
16:12Hey, happy.
16:15Yeah, Virgil.
16:17Yeah, Christy.
16:18I'm Willie, Skip.
16:20You're the old Christy.
16:22Oh, Christy.
16:22Oh.
16:23Hey.
16:23Hey, girl.
16:26Take care of you.
16:26How about that?
16:30We are ready, Your Honorable Skip Assange.
16:32Which one's the key?
16:33Oh, sure.
16:34All right, all right.
16:35Knock it off, you miserable mistles.
16:37Where's Mr. Parker?
16:39Come on, Skip.
16:41How about this?
16:41Dope out of sleeves.
16:43Hey, what's holding up the cap?
16:44Last time I looked, he was still struggling with his girdle.
16:49If it wasn't an officer, I'd ask him to marry me.
16:51All right, knock it off.
16:53Good morning, you, McHale.
16:55If we get killed because of this fool's stunt of yours, I'm going to see to earth as your
16:59court mark.
17:00Oh, whatever noble captain desire.
17:02Why do I have to wear a geisha outfit?
17:04It's a disgrace.
17:05It's a positive outrage.
17:06Oh, I think you look beautiful.
17:07Well, I suppose you go.
17:09Oh, shut up.
17:10Oh, no, no, sir.
17:11Now, fellas, look, we've got to move fast, so we're going to go over this once more.
17:14Now, I'm going to tell the officer in charge that we've come to give him a sample of the
17:18big show that we got in store for him, right?
17:20Then the great Grubuji waves his magic wand and holds the guard spellbound with a few
17:24hundred assorted tricks, right?
17:27What do you expect?
17:28Made in Japan.
17:29While Drew's making with the hocus pocus, the rest of us load the gas drums into the
17:32truck.
17:33Check.
17:34Now, one thing.
17:35I'm the only one here that can speak enough Japanese to get us by, so the rest of you
17:39guys keep your big mouth shut.
17:41I'll do all the talking.
17:42Uh-uh, present company.
17:43Accept it, sir.
17:44All right, you paisans.
17:45Come on.
17:45Into the truck.
17:46Christy, you drive.
17:47Pardon me, sir.
17:51Ladies first.
17:52Oh, you nitwit.
17:54Oh, at least you can call me an honorable nitwit.
17:56Oh, you nitwit.
18:01Hey, come on.
18:03What's your name?
18:07We are the women in Japan.
18:10They're the women.
18:11They're the women.
18:12Okay, come on.
18:13I'll call you a title.
18:15I'll call you a title.
18:19You're a title.
18:20You're a title.
18:21You're a title.
18:22Don't pay any attention to him sir. You don't want him to think you're that kind of girl.
18:52Okay okay summarize he fell for it. It's showtime. He's gonna put us all in that
18:58tent over there. The whole detail. Have no fear Skip. I won't let you down. You better
19:03not or our next bookie will be in a prisoner of war camp. Make it look good boys.
19:15Shouhei no minasan Tokio de yumei na Grubiji o shokai shimasu.
19:21That's right, huh?
19:23Where are you from?
19:45Okay, boys, get that gas. Come on, boys, let's go, quick.
19:51Okay, boys, let's go.
20:21All right, get rid of them on the double. Two men get that fuel in the truck.
20:33What?
20:35Hey!
20:37What's going on in here?
20:43What's going on in here?
20:45The great blue Bee Gees not making out so well.
20:47How'd you make it?
20:48Oh, I got rid of that sentry. I dealt with them again.
20:50Good, good.
20:51Good for you, ma'am.
20:52Uh, sir.
20:53Hey!
20:54Hey, hey!
20:55Hey, hey, hey, hey!
20:57Sting breaks?
20:58What do they want for nothing?
20:59Jigino maku!
21:01Now they want another rack, but we haven't got any more to give them.
21:04Boy, too bad we aren't fighting a French.
21:06I mean, at least I could sing Frere Jacques.
21:09French, Japanese, what's the difference between them?
21:12I'll go out there and hum it.
21:13Yeah, come on, go ahead out there, go ahead.
21:17Hide it, hide it.
21:19Hide it, hide it, hide it.
21:21Hide it, hide it.
21:38I'll give it, hide it.
21:40They'll give it, hide it.
21:42Put it, hide it.
21:45It's hard to tell you that to when you're selling it.
21:47OK, let's have a look at her.
21:48Oh, no one's, you aren't ever.
21:50No one's, I'm not, you aren't.
21:52Don't look so good.
21:54You're not like that.
21:56I'll give it.
21:58I'll kick one at a time.
21:59Give it to me.
22:00I'll give it.
22:01Let's drop it, let's go ahead.
22:03Let's go ahead and roll up the ball and run it.
22:05So that's true.
22:07Oh, okay, okay.
22:11Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
22:13The jukulele's out of tune.
22:14Oh, fracket.
22:16Uh-oh.
22:17Everyone, now, you obey.
22:20Yeah, and we need the time.
22:22So come on, Madam Butterfly, your public awaits you.
22:25Go away.
22:37Oh, okay, hey, hey, hey.
23:07Go on in and give a hand.
23:08Go ahead.
23:22Hey, go, go, look.
23:25Boys, get out of here.
23:26Let's go.
23:26Come on.
23:27Come on.
23:28Come on.
23:34Christine, hit that gas, boy.
23:37Come on.
23:44Come on, sir.
23:44Come on.
23:59Come in.
24:00Oh, hello, Captain.
24:01What's the meaning of this outrage?
24:03What, what, what, what?
24:04Well, sir, we thought we'd come over and give you a little preview, sir, of our PT-73 folly.
24:08Curtain of $200 tomorrow.
24:10Yes, sir.
24:10And all donations go to the Naval Relief, sir.
24:13Here's your ticket.
24:13$100.
24:14You'll just sign it right there, sir.
24:15Yes, sir.
24:15I appreciate your donation.
24:16A hundred dollars.
24:17Ha!
24:18What makes you think I'll even let you put on a show?
24:21Oh, well, sir.
24:23Yes, yes.
24:25Let's just say that, um, it's in memory of, uh, Madam Butterfly.
24:30You think it'll go over real big at the offices club, don't you, sir?
24:32Awesome.
24:33Take a personal check.
24:34Gladly, sir.
24:35Gladly, sir.
25:04Gladly, sir.
Recommended
48:12
|
Up next
25:35
22:34
25:33
25:38
25:37
25:31
25:37
25:33
25:35
25:34
25:33
25:37
25:37
25:34
25:31
25:36
25:24
25:33
Be the first to comment